Please tell me I am not alone. I am about ready to cry. My 4 year old daughter is crabby ALL the time. She is sassy, crabby, bored, and winey all the time. I don't know what to do anymore. My husband and I do not speak to each other the way she speaks to us. I have tried time outs, taking things away, sending her to her room, but nothing seems to shake the bad attitude from her. She feels horrible and cries when she gets in trouble for speaking so unkindly towards us but it never seems to stick. Is this a stage? What am I doing wrong?
K's mom- although you said you weren't trying to acuse me of anything you did. That was hurtful. I was having a horrible day already and then to acused of not feeding my kids healty (we eat organic, gluten dairy sugar free), not paying attention to them (I don't even own a cell phone) and make it sound like its all my fault. I am glad your 4 year old is perfect and never has a bad day.
Oh my gosh THANK YOU Ladies! I feel so much better already. You gave me so much encouragement and some great ideas on how to deal with her attitude. I do forget sometimes that she is only 4. Sometimes I forget that I am home all day with a 2 and 4 year old and expect a little emotional regulation and self control out of them....but they are 2 and 4! I its not going to happen! You have made my night ;)
Pretty much. ;)
I think it has a lot to do with them being bored or just needing extra attention. Like they dont get enough right?
If my daughter had her way, we would be on the go nonstop!! She gets bored and mouthy pretty easy. Its a blast!!
It is sooo funny you ask this.....as I type my four year old is standing here, in his Captain America costume repeating,''mom, please roll down my sweat pants, dad rolled them up and they are annoying me''......My response...''no, take off the costume and roll them down yourself.'' He walked away and stopped whining.
This followed the half hour fight we had over some silly old McDonalds toy.
He will be five in Jan, so he is an old four. Which does not help his cause at any better...Because the thing I dislike worse then a whinging four year old....Is a whining five year old;p
He whines about EVERYTHING.
I have gotten to the point where, if it becomes insanely annoying, he gets a quarter to the wall with his nose for three minutes.
Not the punishment for everyone...but he hates it. So even just the mention, he normally quiets down;p
Six has been a much better age, in regards to the whining. My oldest is 6 and he has leveled off very nicely:)
so the light is on, the end is in sight...You just gotta stick it out a bit longer!!
Everyone always talks about the terrible 2's but it seems like they are annoying at almost every age. lol. And just when you start to figure out what works and what doesn't the kids enter a new phase with just as many irritating traits that you have to figure out. lol. Hang in there.
Oh the fours!!! We had no terrible 2s or 3s and got it full force at age four from our daughter. Not as bad for our son at that age... Our rule is that all emotions are ok, all behaviors are not. I learned quickly that I did not have to explain or negotiate with my daughter when she was being rude or disrespectful. I would just tell her, " I don't like when you talk to me like that. I'll talk to you when you can speak to me nicely, the way I do to you." I would validate her ( I hear that you are angry and we don't talk to each other that way." And then set the boundary, (go in your room until you feel able to talk to me kindly). We always did talk about it after, and she learned that rudeness, tone and attitude didn't get her very far.
I also was very aware of what triggered her ( tired, sick or hungry), which again I understood not feeling well, but still did not excuse a crummy attitude. As she's gotten older, she still go through these periods. I tell her that she needs to take care of her body... " You're tired and cranky because you got up too early and refused to rest. You need to sleep when you're tired." Same thing with eating etc...
Four is hard... they want to be and act older in many ways, but they can't deal with their emotions by either expressing them appropriately nor knowing why they are even feeling the way they are.
If there's a younger sibling in the mix that factors in too, and I can tell you my experience around that. I recommend two books... Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child and How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen SoYour Kids will Talk. If there is a sibling then, Siblings Without Rivalry to excellent as well...
Good luck~ You're not alone :)
She is having growing-pains.
This encompasses: physical and cognitive AND emotions.
They at this age, are not rocket-scientists about their emotions. It is taught.
Not even adults, are adept at it.
So for a 4 year old, keep this in perspective.
AND 4 years olds, much less adults, do not have automatic coping-skills either. This is taught, as well.
4 year olds are not expert at emotions or their feelings nor how to manage... said feelings. Not even all adults are.
Yes, she feels horrible for feeling crabby. She doesn't know why. She needs your guidance and consoling.
Teach her... how to know and say her feelings. The words for it.
Teach her how to... communicate.
Teach her.. .it is okay to be grumpy. Even adults are that way. But teach her... HOW to... manage it. Commiserate with her, then give her ideas... on how to shake it out. Either by joking or laughing or just making it into a silly thing. Coping-skills.
I tell my kids, EVEN Mommy gets grumpy. We all do. Its okay. BUT we TRY OUR BEST.....
And your daughter feels horrible about her 'bad' moments. So that is GOOD. Now teach her.. that she is not 'bad'... she just needs to, with your HELP, to LEARN other ways, of expressing that.
Because, you don't want her to be all clammed up... and then be afraid to tell you ANYTHING. Let her know she can communicate to you about anything.... and you are there for her.
But teach her HOW.... to say it.
Give her INCENTIVES, instead of punishments.
It does not have to be prizes.
But a hug, or smiley face sticker etc.
So that they do not equate, 'good behavior' with toys.
Encourage her.
Not just it being about her being "good" or "bad."
For me, I COMPLIMENT my kids on their EFFORTS. I know they are not perfect. Even I am not. So why and expect them to be "perfect?"
I value... that my kids "try their best...." Always.
Put your child to nap. When/if she is over-tired.
They get like this when sleep-deprived.
You are not doing anything wrong! My daughter was like this when she turned four (she just turned 6 and can still turn on the sass and the whining--but at least now she has an easier time snapping out of it). Behavioral stuff is a huge challenge and you might get a lot of people saying things like "I NEVER let my daughter talk to me like that. Sassing is not tolerated in my house! or You need to show her who the parent is!" Ignore it all. I never ALLOW my daughter to sass me--we address it at the time and we also talk about it when she is calmer but the fact is, she is still a little kid (even at 6) and they are still learning impulse control (I know I shouldn't behave this way but I can't stop!) and they still get tired, hungry etc. or have bad days like we all do. Except the older kids get, the more we expect of them...and some days we just expect them to act more grown up than they can. Which frankly, would make me crabby too.
Hang in there. She will out grow it with good behavior modeling, patience and TIME! :)
**My best tactic for snapping my girls (3 and 6) out of it is to COMPLETELY IGNORE it and keep on talking cheerfully, changing the subject etc. Sometime when kids are looking for a reaction, the best thing to do is not give one them. And before I know it, my girls are in good moods again and have forgotten what they were so crabby about. Though, I'm no Mother Theresa. Sometimes I can't be so patient and I snap!
Girl! We have the same kid! My gal gets her panties in a bunch over the littlest things! She's bossy as can be and thinks she's my mom!! Your not alone, im hoping its a phase.
That's funny - I was thinking of posting a similar question. Mine is at the tail end of 4 and he has been so cranky the past few weeks. He has just started to learn that words can be used as weapons and has leveled a couple "I hate you"s at me recently. I told him next time he says that there is no passing Go, no collecting $200, straight to time out!
Tonight we got into this whole stupid argument over a book. Three times I tried reading it to him and he was either standing on his head, walking on his hands or hiding under the covers. So, finally, the third time I had HAD it and got up and put the book away. Of course, he burst into huge tears and begged me to read it, then threatened to not sleep and said he would never listen to stories again unless I finished reading this one. Yeah, right. Forget it, bud.
I think it's just a stage - but if so I can't wait for it to pass. I want my sweet-natured 4-year old back!
Is she possibly overtired? My kids are all kinds of crazy when they get too tired. If not, I'd amp it up A LOT and make sure she knows what isn't tolerated. Also make sure she knows what is good too though. When my kids ask for something kind of bratty I ask them "how SHOULD have you said that?"
Part of it is the age. We've started using conscious discipline and really like it. Our dd is also 4 and it's trying my patience to say the least. I notice it's the worst when she's tired, but this book has given us some great tips and they're working. Not saying she doesn't still throw some fits and they're doozies, but it helps us deal with them. For ex, when she starts getting a little mouthy, I'll ask if her words are kind or hurtful and she'll catch it almost every time and apologize before things have escalated and she's really starting to now think about what she's saying before she says it (not always, but an improvement). It's taught us skills for helping her mellow out rather than completely exploding. The biggest thing is getting her to bed at a decent time...even though it's not the most convenient for our schedule, but we've learned she needs to be in bed by 7:30 and we can't miss that mark by much or we're into meltdowns and not a great night of sleep. Hang in there. The biggest thing you should take from this is you are absolutely NOT alone! I've heard from several four was also their tough age. Fun times, fun times
Im not going to accuse you of anything, and I know all kids can be different, but, here is my view of the 4 yr old in our house. She is wonderful, delightfully funny, happy and sweet. Until her M. gets crabby, and wont pay any attention to her. She is the most fun when played with and only gets crabby when ignored. She asks a question in a normal tone of voice, but if M. doesnt pay attention to her, and ignors the question she starts to get frustrated and asks over, and over again and eventually, yes, she is whining. But I dont blame her. If M. doesnt stop reading, or texting or watching tv long enough to hear her child say, "may I have some milk please?" Then I think M. deserves to have a child who whines and fusses and makes her miserable. Amazing to see how well behaved and happy the attitude is on a child when they get enough sleep, decent foods, fresh air and attention they need. Then of course there are some who just feel awkward in their own skin and just have to get past it. Some kids arent happy no matter what you do and just need time to get over it. But still, more sleep, better foods, and someone paying attention to them and making them feel important and loved usually makes a huge difference.
