Appropriate Behavior for a 13Yr Old.

If a person can't be role model, they can at least be a warning.

Use this situation to tell your kids, "Do you see them? I think that is embarassing for them and probably for their families too. I would be SO embarassed if I ever saw you doing that at your age, ESPECIALLY in church."

I would also remind them that kissing and hugging is okay, and nothing to be ashamed of, but there's a time and a place for everything. For example: do we comb out hair at the dinner table? NO - there is a time and an appropriate place for everything.

I would definitely talk to the Pastor but do so from the standpoint of trying to keep the church as a sacred place and also reflective of wholesome values. He may not know it's happening and I'd bet he would be ashamed of his grandson's behavior.

Well, while it sounds like you are trying to instill certain values in your son, not everyone around you shares the same ideas. This is going to be the case for the rest of your son's youth--you can only teach him what you think is right but you the older he gets, the less and less you will be able to control what he is exposed to. Regardless of what you suspect is going on behind their mother's back, it is her concern, not yours. Are you over-reacting? Yes, I think you are a little because what is happening is not on your property not does it directly involve your child. I do see your point and I understand what you are trying to teach your son--if you feel you must say something, I guess you will have to address the pastor directly about his grandson. In the future your son will be faced with watching other people do things you've told him are wrong--drinking, smoking etc As long as you teach him that just because others are doing it doesn't make it a good idea or a good choice. But as far as you yourself deciding that church should be "free" of tweenage/teenage displays of affection, I'm not sure if it is your place. Sorry!

This is such a hard issue. My daughter is 13 and she has a "boyfriend" now. Do I want her to? NO! But, I cannot physically stop her. So what I have done is this - she is not allowed to go on dates. I have allowed him to come here a couple of times and there are strict rules. They can only be in the living room and they are monitored. I sat her down and explained what I expect from her. I reminded her that she is a lady and a child of God and that she has morals to uphold.
I did catch them kissing. The punishment? The next day she had to dig up 10 pricker bushes from the back yard. The rule in my house is you respect me. NO MAKEOUT SESSIONS!!!! I told her next time I will hand him a shovel too and he will be helping her.
I have made it a point to meet his parents and I plainly told them that at this age the hormones are raging and I do not approve of all the kissing that they do. I also told them if I caught my daughter and their son kissing like that again that both the kids would be doing yard work at my house.
Church is not a place for kissing. I don't know about your church, but in our church it is not uncommom for another church member to speak up and tell the children that their conduct is not acceptable. I do not think you are over reacting. If you are comfortable, I would either tell the parents what is going on in church or the next time you see the kids kissing, tell them it is not appropriate.
As for your children, we can raise them the best that they can, but ultimately they have to make their own decisions. I would use this as a tool. Explain to your kids that this conduct is wrong, and why. Talk to them about how kissing can lead to other things and once the line is crossed you can not change it. I purchased some good books from a Christian book store on teens and dating and how to maintain their morals.
This is a tough world to live in with teens. Keep up the fight, though. It is up to us, not the world, to mold our young kids.

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I'm not sure if you're more uncomfortable with the PDA at church or kids that age showing PDA. Kids that age do those things, I know I did. I didn't end up pregnant at 15. I was 32 and married. These kids are just starting to learn about what's appropriate and what's not. It takes some time to learn how to navigate in an adult world doing what is probably one of their first adult actions. I would be willing to bet if this is what they're doing in public NOTHING else is going on behind closed doors. They don't have to be sneaky because their parents allow the behavior. Their parents are trying to keep an honest and realistic relationship and expectations with their kids from the sounds of it. Your kids will see and hear LOTS of things that you won't like. Our job as parents is to instill the right values in our kids that will allow them to make appropriate decisions as they grow older.

You asked if you're overreacting and I do have to say yes. I'm sorry. I can understand that maybe it's due to your sudden realization that your kids are starting to mature and be confronted with adult situations. I think all of us moms can relate to that! It's a tough business raising kids :)

What you can do in this situation is have an open dialogue with your kids. Ask them how they feel about the behavior those kissing kids are participating in and ask whether or not your kids feel it's inappropriate. It is my experience that if you keep your own opinions to yourself prior to asking your kid about what they think you're more likely to get an honest answer. Once they answer you'll get an idea of where they are and what further lessons youhb need to continue to instill or where you can say "YAY! I nailed that one!".

Take a breath, relax, and understand that you can't do anything about anyone else's kids, and what you can do with your own is limited. They are their own people. All you can do is your very best and the rest is up to them. I hope that I haven't been quite as harsh or judgemental as some of the other responders. I can understand where you're coming from. I don't agree with it but I can certainly understand it. You and your kids will be great!!! Good luck!

No, you are not overreacting! I completely agree that kissing in church is inappropriate no matter what age. These parents are basically giving there children the okay to do whatever they want, when they want. I also agree that if this is what they are doing in front of people, they are doing a lot more in private. As far as your children...they are always going to be exposed to things that are opposite of your teachings. I'm guessing that if you talk to your kids about it, they will agree that all the PDA is gross.

I have to laugh at the idea some responders have that if we Moms are just vigilent enough and demand respect we will keep our teenagers from kissing. Sorry but no way can a parent stop the normal and healthy beginning of a kids awakening to sexuality. Just because they are kissing at 13 doesn't mean they will be pregnant at 16. I was kissing at that age and my first pregnancy was planned after marriage at 29. I'm confused as to how these other kids would effect your son at all. I assure you there are a million things he sees other kids do that your family would not condone. This will increase through high school. He will have to make his own decisions about all kinds of activities, many more dangerous and scary than kissing in a church. My advice to you is be sure he feels he can really talk to you about life's tough choices. Don't you want him to see you as a level headed Mom who is realistic about what's going on out there in the world? Trust me if he thinks you are unrealistic about what kids do and have a tendency to overreact he will not talk openly to you or worse keep important things from you. By all means tell him how you feel but try to do it in a more casual and general way. These children are only 5 years or so away from being legal adults and the next few years will bring challenges and choices that carry a lot more weight than a kiss.

I think you are way too interested in other teens.

No they should not be making out like monkeys but they are normal teens who are exploring their feelings etc.

If your attitude toward your son is that this behavior is "dirty", "shameful", etc you are teaching him that affection is dirty and shameful.

You can't stop kids from exploring but you CAN keep the lines of communication WIDE OPEN at your house so your child can feel free to talk to you about anything and not feel like something he is considering is to dirty to talk to mom about. Get my point.

I'd much rather my 15 yr old feel comfortable enough to come to me and ask questions, etc than to get an idea that affection is dirty and be inspired to act on the feeling she might have at some point.

You model behavior for your children and trust that you have taught your children and MYOB on other's.

Different strokes for different folks.

I think it's a good lesson to teach your kids that while some parents are okay with that behavior - you are not. That (teens, unmarried people, etc) kissing in the church goes against your own family's morals and you feel that it is highly disrespectful. This topic can branch out into other areas where you feel behavior is disrespectful.

If you are close to the boys mom, you could mention that you saw them kissing in church - presented as a "I thought you should know" type of thing rather than a judgement on her parenting skills (I cannot believe you let your son kiss a girl in church!). Other than that, this is definitely a MYOB thing.

It's only hugging and kissing. What behavior is allowed at church is up to the pastor, I would think.

Thirteen is a normal age to start kissing members of the opposite sex. As long as they keep it relatively tame -- no vigorous french kissing and rubbing up against each other, I don't see the harm in it.

MYOB??

K.:

You can continue you teach YOUR children YOUR morals and values.

Hugging and kissing WILL happen. Do I think it's appropriate in church? No. Is it YOUR responsibility to speak out? In a way - it does take a village - however, it's a FINE LINE - you can speak to the pastor and explain that you have seen YOUNG ADULTS (really?! they are 2 years away from driving and 5 away from being legal adults) making out in the church and that's not the values you feel the church has - while making out is NOT un-appropriate - the location is.

It is a fact of life - you CANNOT stop this from happening. They are at an age when they are exploring their feelings and all the hormones raging through them. Keep in mind - they are NOT YOUR CHILDREN.

My husband and I hug and kiss in front of our boys - no, we do NOT deep french kiss or rub each other - but we openly express affection for each other in front of our children.

YOU are responsible for YOUR children. You can tell them what YOU FEEL is appropriate and NOT appropriate. Keep the lines of communication open - you don't want them getting their sexual advice from other kids (you can't get pregnant the first time, rainbow parties are fun and are no harm, you can't get pregnant if you have anal sex, you can't get any diseases if you only touch (any open wounds and body fluid can transfer a disease) - it IS YOUR responsibility to teach them, keep them informed and get informed yourself.

I really can't see why this concerns you. If your son watch someone steel a car would he do that also?? You and your husband are your sons roll models. The church should be free of this kind of display........hugging and kissing. Why? Affection is not a crime nor is it unholy. Its seems your way to interested in teens that are not yours. I however agree that at 13 you may not be ready for a heavy make out session. But teens at that age are interested in the opposite sex. Thats your job to teach YOUR teens what you think is proper in public.

your 12 year old is going to see a lot of behavior that you don't personally condone. in the last 12 years he already has. has it warped him thus far? the world is a varied place, and there is nowhere, not even church, where you can shelter him from all the things you don't want him exposed to.
i suggest that instead of focusing so much on other people's kids and how they raise them to focusing on your own.
i personally have no use for the paradigm that 'if kids are doing this in front of us, they are doing far worse behind our backs.' kids who are raised in that atmosphere of suspicion and control will indeed act out in all sorts of ways when they can get out from under. kids like your friend's son probably behave in private much as they do in public, because they know that they are trusted and respected.
i'm not quite sure what your main issue is. you seem to take umbrage at your friend for being more permissive than you, that the PDAs are taking place in church, that the boy is the pastor's grandson (??), that you don't believe the kids are just kissing, and finally that you want tips on how to raise your own child better? maybe if i knew what was really bugging you i could zero in on some suggestions.
khairete
S.

McK4 said it perfectly

K.,
I think your reaction is natural and appropriate. If I were at church and saw 2 kids hugging and kissing, I would be uncomfortable and appalled if no one said anything. It is one thing to put up with it on TV or out in the street, but church should be a safe haven. Don't relax your standards just because no one else around you seems to care or think it's wrong.

While you can't control other people's kids, you can continue to teach your kids right from wrong. As for speaking to the pastor, tread lightly. Sometimes they take it personally when it's their family.

If I look back, my youth group in the mid 70s spawned a lot of couples. That wasn't the focus of the group by any means, but it was also a safe place to meet people. There was only one couple that pushed the envelope, showing more affection than I was used to in public. They married a few years later and I think are now divorced. Such is the life of teenage "love".

Personally, I'm not big on the public display of affection. (I had to laugh...I had to look up what PDA meant on an online slang site. I used to think PDA was a personal digital assistant...like a palm pilot...but I knew that wasn't what people were talking about. Go figure!) I may not be up on the latest acronym, but I'm also not a prude. I don't mind seeing people walking hand-in-hand or arm-in-arm or thoroughly enjoying each other's company. But people slobbering all over each other in public, whether young or old, just isn't cool in my book.

If the kids are truly making out in all the places your son mentions, think of it as an excellent opportunity to see what your son thinks about it and for you to express your feelings about it. It's an excellent teaching point and springboard to talk about attraction and PDA (see...I can be taught! : P).

But personally, I think a conversation with your pastor would be appropriate. It doesn't have to be a big judgmental "did you know" kind of conversation. But it might open the door to talking about different ways that people handle things like this.

There's plenty of time for kids to grow up. We don't need to rush our kids to that path. Perhaps the pastor could weave the topic into some youth group discussions to explore the comfort and discomfort various kids have with the topic. What better place to talk about it than in our churches and youth groups?

I'd rather not see people clinging to each other in public like Velcro. But at 13, it's a fine line. We want to teach our children what love and respect are all about. We want them to learn affection and joy. But it's not appropriate to "get a room" at that age. Still, there is a place and time for everything, and I think these two kids could be asked to cool it a little.

There are LOTS of ways of expressing one's feelings for each other. Sure, kissing and hugging feel really nice. But talking and doing stuff together and with others can enrich their lives as well. It can be an exercise in learning a wider range of ways to enjoy each other. : )

Considering I have seen overly made-up pre-teen girls dressed like tramps, standing in a corner in the mall before getting hit on by an older teen male and following him into his car for who-knows-what; and, considering kids in elementary school are already being offered drugs, I'd say a pair of kissing teens is the least of your problems...yikes!

You have cause for concern. What does your Pastor say about such behavior on church property? You need to check with your church authorities first. I would think those young teens are on the path to immorality. Sexual sin is rampant in our society. AF

I do not like PDA, especially when it happens to be "children" I definitely think the church/youth group activities should be a place where they respect each other and others around them. I would not hesitate to not only inform the pastor, but also say something to the "children" who are acting so inappropriately. I am not a prude, I am well aware that kids that age will kiss, I don't think they have any business doing it, but at least know when it is the time and place for it! Good for you for instilling morals in your children.

their behavior is very inapproiate! true it seems that today's kids are much more advance but not that advanced! and i'm surprised thee grandparents approve of this behavior also. the oarents may feel they are doing so smart and "keeping up with the times", but teenage pregnancy is never cute and that's where these 2 thirteen year olds are headed. so no you are not overreacting. I'm not sure what you may telling your 12 year old. but just try and instill that they need to wait to do these things and what these things lead to! eventually they will want to do these things but not at this age. good luck and keep up the good work.

NO kids at 13 years old should be making out....it is NOT ok and you are NOT over-reacting...I know times have changed, but why would anyone encourage or allow it?! I know at this age, hormones are raging and curiosity is there, but we as parents/educators should use this time to be an example. If you are allowing it and encouraging it - you better have talked to them about birth control and what makes babies....chances are, if they are doing this in front of people - what they do while not so much in public is more involved. We have to educate our children about MORALS and what is acceptible....just think what they will be doing in public when they are 20 if they are allowed to make out in public when they are 13.

Church is definitely not the place - I was raised to respect the church. My advice would be to speak to someone who would be able to handle the situation and explain that what those kids are doing is not setting a good example for the others in the youth group and even the younger kids. It is your right as a member to speak your concerns.

Now for those of you who believe that all of this is OK - take into consideration there are girls who my 13 year old attends Middle School with who are pregnant...people - these are 13 and 14 yr old girls! That means there is a BOY out there who has a child too...how many of these kids do you think truly take care of the babies? Its the parents who end up with responsibility while the kids go to school - IF they choose to return. If they do not return to school, you have teenage parents who largely lean on Mom and Dad to take care of them and the baby.

All of this being said - my husband and I pride ourselves in keeping communication open in our house...meaning the girls can come to us with anything. I have preached to my girls about the responisbility that sex brings - there are consequences and make sure that they are ready for it. I would be crazy to think they will never do it, but I can make sure they are responsible people and that morals are instilled. So, my advice would be to talk to your kids about what is happening at church. Let them know how you feel about it and ask for their opinion. So many people are afraid to broach this subject with their kids - but in the future, you will be glad you did. Hope this helps!!

telling a pre teen boy not to watch a young couple kissing is about like handing evel knivel a motor cycle and a tank of gas and telling him not to go anywhere.its going to happen. your son is growing up, there is a big difference between telling your child not to do something that you dont approve of, and telling your neighbors child not to do something that you dont approve of. if the neighbor is comfortable allowing the kissing then your son shouldnt being running to you to report it.what is he doing, following them around, watching ?
K. h.

I missed the original post. I attended a session thru PTA with the AIM organization. Did you know that even if it is consensual, that it is illegal at their age??? Google AIM or Marilyn Morris for more info.