Approaches to Teen's Poor Attitude

Hi K.,
First of all, let me start by saying my kids aren't teens yet, so I know I haven't been there and might not understand completely. But I have many friends with teens and have seen what works and what doesn't. Second, I have definitely noticed every kid is different and responds to different things, so I keep that in the back of my head for when MY turn comes! But I have to say something. You sound so very meek and mild. I don't know if that's how you really are or if it just came across that way. It sounds like your daughter can push you around no problem. If there's one thing that chaps my hide it's out of control teens. I know they have to stretch their wings etc, etc. They are pushing hard at the boundaries they've had when younger. But let me say this. I think it's time to put your foot down, step up and be sure she understands you are the parent and she is STILL the child, even though she may feel like she's an adult now. I do want to give respect to all the others with teens who have answered with what has worked for them. As I said, I store it all away for my turn! But honestly, I would just sit her down and give her the talk of her life. Let her know you are her mother, you deserve her respect and she will do what you ask or tell her to do....PERIOD. Tell her her attitude is unacceptable and will not be tolerated any longer. When she is asked to help with something or do something, she will do it, no questions asked, no eye-rolling, no heavy sighs, no foot stomping. And again, as many have mentioned before, find the thing that matters most to her and say, if we continue to have problems with this, starting NOW, you will not be able to go to ______, or you will get your ______ taken away immediately, and I will decide when you get those privileges back. You will be respectful to all adults and everyone in a position of authority over you or these deprivations will continue to happen. I am not budging on this because I will not tolerate your rudeness and poor attitude any longer. Let me assure you (yes, even as a mother with no teens yet!), even at 14, those kids are looking for that boundary line and testing it to make sure it's still there and they are still safe, just as they do when they are 2 or 3 or 4...whenever their independence issues hit the first time around! If she thinks she can step all over you, she'll do it in a heartbeat. Not because she's a "bad" kid, but because she is a human kid and it is perfectly normal. I know it would break your heart to know or hear someone say they don't want their kids to be around her because she's a bad influence. All of us as mothers want our children to be kids people WANT to be around. But there is hard work involved in that. Sounds like it's way past time to start! Good luck K.. My heart goes out to you. I pray you summon the strength to stand tall and do what needs to be done, even if it tears you up to do it. It is SO worth it when you finally see your kid doing something thoughtful without being asked and without having a fit about it.

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K.,

I am so sorry your daughter has hit, what my mother calls, the fog. I really think it is important for you to take control of the situation. Your daughter is trying to assert her independance, yet she is not ready for the complete responsibility of adulthood. So, when she is rude to you or others, you need to correct her behavior immediately and be firm about it. If you believe that as an adult, she should do incidental favors when someone asks, then you immediately after her refusal say, "Julie, it is not acceptable for you to treat others this way. I expect you to help when asked and I expect you to be pleasant about it. That is how an adult would behave." You respond with something like this for every situation. She will eventually get the idea. My parents, when I hit the fog, consistently told me what they expected and reinforced the idea that the expected behavior was what adults did. As an adult now, I find myself using this on my daughter and we have many conversations about expectations and responsibilities. Then, if the behavior does not change with the reprimand, my daughter loses a priviledge. "If you are unwilling to behave like the mature young woman you are, then you will not be allowed to attend the dance, use your cellular phone, go out with friends, use the computer. These are priviledges for individuals have proven that they are mature enough to handle the responsibility." It seems harsh, but they do eventually learn that pleasantness and maturity go hand-in-hand.

D.

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Dear K.

It sounds like she is in control of the situation. You have to be firm with her. She is the child, you are the adult and she has to know that. As the child she doesn't have the right to make you feel bad or guilty about things you say or do. It sounds like if you did something in the wrong you would apologize and that is great, but you, in no way should feel bad for acting like the parent. Be firm, resolved and show her who is boss, because at the rate she is going she won't have anyone but you. She needs to learn to appreciate the mom she has. As a teenager I was a lot like her, strong willed, selfish, and disrespectful. My mom whipped me into shape, and now as an adult I love her more that ever, and wouldn't change a thing about the way she handled me, except she could have done it a little sooner. you have to handle it now while you have control because you possibly have only a few more years before she is off to college or wherever her heart leads her.

Best Wishes,
K.

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1st and foremost get a counselor immediately to work with you on these issues. I have two daughters now 25 and 18. Your daughter is being "blatantly" disrespectful and it has already gone to far. If you love and respect her you will get tough now and demand she show respect and helps you around the house and with her younger sister. She is setting a poor example for her. Been there done that. Put your foot down or you will not like her later. And no one else will either. You know in your heart of hearts what is expected. Be strong your a good parent!

Hi K.,
I'm a family therapist specializing in teens, and I would want to know-- first, is this a drastic change in behavior, like came on in the past 6 months, or has she alsways been more self-centered than you would like? If it's a very recent change, you might keep an eye out for signs of drug use. If it's more her style, try praising her when she does something you do like-- it's the surest way to get her to do it again. 'Successive Approximation' is the idea that you reward any behavior that's in the dirst you're trying to go. So, when she talks in a pleasant tone of voice, occasionally mention, 'I really like it when you speak to me softly.' Don't do it every time-- maybe every 3rd. You should start to see improvement very soon.

Could be puberty problems. Notice if she is fussier at certain times of the month. Then ask her if she is on her period. My daughter would get mad at her brother often for nothing. Finally, I started asking her if she was on her period and within 2 days, she would start. She then became aware it was she not he.

Also, if you don't have a family meeting say once a week with all family members, try it. Begin by saying it is not to point blame or cause friction, but to become better aware of anything you are missing. Start by saying positive things about each other, but then ask questions about some misunderstanding and just say you want to understand better how to approach a situation. Good luck

Dear K.:
I applaud you for attempting to e clear about your feelings and possible feelings of others in response to your daughter's rudeness and insensitivity to the feelings of others and her apparent feeling of superiority. Teens often try out certain behaviors they see in others and on the media and are so aware of their own feelings that they frequently miss the responses of those around them. Books on the subject are good if she will read them so that she can identify with the characters and the rules, but will think it is her own insight rather than what has been identified as her problem. It sounds as though you are very patient and that is really good. Just keep letting her know your feelings. Eventually she will start caring about your feelings and those of others. Good luck on having an intelligent wonderful daughter who is just going thru the teen-aged hard times. N.

I have a 14 yr old son. They do get an attitude from time to time, but it's up to you to set the bounderies for what is ok and what is not. Your daughter is being disrespectful and if you don't put a stop to it now she will thinks it's ok to talk to all adults like this. When she is asked to help out, it is not a choice, she needs to get up and help. Everyone pitches in, in a family. That way no one person has to do all the work and the work gets done faster that way there is more time for fun things. If my son told me the things that your daughter said to you, he would have a very boring life, because he wouldn't be left with much to do. She will continue to talk to you this way until you put a stop to it, right now she thinks it's ok. If she spilled juice on you would you tell her she is a bad child or would you just chalk it up to an accident. I'm betting you would just tell her it's ok and help her clean it up, and she had better clean it up, not just ignore it and have you do it. Let her know she has a choice, if she chooses to talk badly to you, then she can get thinks taken away, grounded or whatever, but if she is nice and helps out then she can continue to enjoy the comforts of tv, phone, friends, outings, etc. It's her choice but make sure you follow through, that is the most important part. Good luck!

K.,
I have grounded my children for speaking to us in that exact manner. They have not done it since. Once they were calmed down enough we had a dicussion about how to speak to people. We have been working on it for the past two years as she keeps relapsing into her self-centeredness. While she has not spoken to us in that manner again, she has tried other stunts. The most recent was to badger us into letting her get her belly button pierced. That one earned her no phone for two weeks and she was grounded as well. Some how, it seems to fluxuate with the hormones. She is now 16, and just got her license. I wish you the best. W.

Hi K.,

It seems to me, from what you shared, that your daughter may be experiencing an inner moral dilemma. This is a natural part of the process for becoming an adult, whatever your age may be.

She's lashing out at you because you are her primary role model and the cues she gets from you help her sort out the adult responses she's learning to expect from herself and how she will relate her values to others.

Unconscious questions she may be having right now could be, for example, "Now that I'm closer to being an adult and closer to assuming adult responsibilities, what are my priorities? If I have sex, I could get pregnant. Would I be a good parent?"

She's learning to value herself, that's very good and very healthy; OK maybe she goes about it in an obnoxious, hamfisted way but she's really just barely a toddler in the adolescent, learning-how-to-be-a-grownup world. We wouldn't expect a toddler to be a master trapeze artist. Toddlers are just learning how to stay balanced so they can learn how to stay on their feet. Maybe run someday.

My advice is to check out some books at the library on the subject of teenagers, especially from the young feminine perspective, and slow down a little yourself from making snap judgements on her critical observations and the poor responses you see in her. Remember, for the most part, her peers have a lions share of influence on her in her life, unless you homeschool her. We won't even go into all the beauty advertisemsents and the "Am I Pretty???" american feminine ideal cultural norm. It's a privilege that she share her life with you, even if you sometimes find her behavior unpalatable.

You said you were a grateful mom, stay grateful, even if it's another lousy, poopy diaper phase.

Stay Balanced & Loving,

-M.

Hi K.!

First, you need to know, that this is normal girl behavior. It can last for about 2-3 years!!!! Hopefully not that long, though.

At first, we went through "shock", and not knowing how to respond. Then , we tried to react "properly" with a calm tone saying, "honey you are surprising me with this new attitude you have........can you please relax..." Obviously, this was a way too "mature" approach for her, because it was too nice and created more sarcastic responses from.

When the un-appreciation began, I stop doing her laundry and breakfast, etc... It was up to her, the "New Enlightened One with all the answers"........oh boy, did that create a "Cinderella" mode, but at least I wasn't doing anything to be yelled at for.

What started to work, was when she actually NEEDED me for help (a ride, or something). Then my response wasn't... well, lets' just say my responses were something I wasn't too proud of then :o) But I was at the end of my rope! If she needed a ride, I would remind her of all the hurtful things she has said to me that day, like "Oh, you mean, the ugly skirt mother, who makes runny eggs and doesn't wear her makeup right?...excuse me...did you say you needed something from me?" The first time I said that, she was shocked because I finally lowered myself to her level/age.

Anyway, when it got really bad....I phoned) her cheerleading coach (in front of her), and told the Coach that my daughter's attitude has broken the boundaries of family values and respect. I told the Coach that there might be days when my daughter isn't at practice because she disrespected me and I will refuse to take her..... That opened her eyes because it hit at her heart.

Unfortunately, it took me lowering myself to her immature level with sacastic replies back to her. Something that I'd worked years to overcome in the first-place!

K., just know you are not alone. Stand you ground of respect early on, and she will learn faster than my daughter. I gave my daughter too many chances because I was trying "to be nice". Show you daughter that you mean business. You might have to ask your younger daughter to leave the room before you 'speak"....

Good Luck!

~N. :o)

Hey K. -

Welcome to parenting teenagers. :)

A question -- is your daughter like this with other adults, or only in the family home?

If she is relatively polite with others, then the behavior is likely a 'more normal' fight for individuation between mother and daughter. How is she in her friends' homes and with other parents?

If she is respectful elsewhere, I recommend 'trading homes' over Winter or Spring break. Specifically, one of her friends moves into your home and she moves into their home. Everything is swapped -- rooms, rules, allowance, privileges, etc.

Living in another home can jar a kid into realizing that there are certain rules of living that we all have to abide by -- and it gives you both a bit of a break. I did this as a teenager for two months with my best friend -- 35 years ago. Both families agree it was an awesome and eye-opening experience all around. All of our relationships improved enormously. If this is not possible, then I would recommend getting her into therapy. There are many excellent therapists who work exclusively with adolescents, and some who work only with girls.

If her behavior is disrespectful all the way around, then you likely need some professional help. Kids don't 'naturally' act out this fiercely to other adults, and it's something you should not ignore.

If you need help with a referral to a good professional, please let me know.

Best,

J.

Now that I am safely into the territory of parenting a 20-something college student, I am breathing easier. The teens really are a challenging time and you've gotten some good advice. I guess what I would add is that your daughter is changing and your way of parenting her has to grow and change with her. (That's not to say roll over and let her walk on you.)

Don't take her behaviour personally - it's not about you and learn about the developing brain of teens, it's fascinating and explains a lot.

Finally, I found the book "Uncommon Sense for Parents of Teens" by Michael Riera a good guide for navigating those years.

K. - welcome to life with a teenager. Your daughter is busy being herself. I know it's hard to hear and see her behavior, just remember that it's not personal. On the subject of limits, choose your battles. And learn to say 'this conversation is finished,' when she is going on and on.

That said, keep a close eye on her. Always be the one driving them all home from an evening event. If you are a strong parent and consistent through this process, God-willing she will grow up to appreciate your attitude and use it with her own teenagers.

The teens at this age have a hard time seeing beyond themselves. Check out Piaget's stages of development. What she is doing is completely normal. HOwever, it doesn't make it right. She does need to be taught how to be empathetic, just like she needed to be taught Algebra. My suggestion is to take her to some homeless shelters, but not tell her where you all are going. Let her really be in service to someone who has NOTHING and let her see what it's like to have to live day to day not knowing if you will eat. It might make her a bit more humble.

You can't take it personal or attribute it to her personality. This sounds like classic early-mid-teen behavior. She will grow past it. Just let her know you feel she behaved out of preportion to the event and that everyone makes mistakes/spills. Mention that even if she & her frieds treat one another like that you would appreciate that she not treat family members in this way. In real life it is not a polite way to respond to other.

Basically there are two responses to avoid.
First, you don't want to meet rude with rude. Your job here is to be the adult. That said,
Second, you don't want to be a doormat either.
Easier said than done, of course.
You've gotten a lot of good suggestions here, and things to watch out for. The points I'd repeat are:
1) She may have other reasons for being stressed (hungry, tired, period). It doesn't excuse it, but it gives you something to watch out for, and to point out to her. An important thing for her to learn at this age is to recognize these situations that make it hard for her to behave as she should.
2) This isn't just about her behavior with you child/parent. This is about how she thinks you treat other people Rude is rude. Fourteen is old enough to begin behaving like an adult.
My own experience was that it worked better to go forward with this (we are adults living in this space together - your dad carries things in too - rather than backwards - you are the child here and must do as I say.
3) Remain honest with her. This isn't a matter of playing games, and making up dialogues. She does things that hurt your feelings. Tell her that. And there are behaviors that you can't tolerate - if you had a roommate who was an adult you wouldn't accept them either.
4) If you are now asking her to move into a more adult to adult relationship with her, make sure that there are corresponding benefits for her. If you are asking her to treat you in an adult manner, are you, in turn, treating her like an adult?
This is a rough time, as someone else said, the terrible two's is nothing to the terrible teens.
Just keep your temper, and your sense of humor too.

Hi K.

I feel for you, I understand your teens attitude challenge.
I have three teens but they are all boys. I have gone through a few workshops. If your interested in what I have done and what I incorporate to ensure that my kids respect me then let me know if you want more info.

Dear K.,

I've just come through several difficult years with my teen boys. One completely withdrew and the other flared like a bonfire at almost everything. So, I'll my suggestion:

Some of our best communication was non-verbal. I believe that what we are thinking and feeling is "heard" by our children. And that goes both ways. But we're the adults. So when we were in conflict, I would remove myself to a quiet place and focus/meditate on how much I love them and respect them. I would remember them as newborns and visualize them as loving parents and successful adults. It would put the stressful moment into perspective in the bigger picture and I would calm down. My body language and tone of voice would help. I wouldn't come off looking like the hysterical woman.

I focused my thoughts to them as if we were using some kind of biological ESP. The message should be something simple, a personal statement of your unconditional love.

When you get to the place where you feel calm, it's easier to find the right words. And what you say aloud might be, as simple as - I do love you but not the way you spoke to me.

It worked so well, I started doing this every morning and evening with my prayer and meditations. I 'talk' to my sons about our life together. Sometimes the results are dramatic. But I always feel better and stronger as a parent.

One more thing:
My eldest son's preschool teacher told me that most of the conflicts we would have in our life together would be the result of lack of sleep, hunger, dehydration and physical exhaustion. So, wait to tackle the big problems when you've both had enough sleep and your blood sugar level is stable.

That advice meant even more to me during the teen years.

I'm a tea lover and I'm always better at talking to my family over a nice cup of tea. I used to make a cup at a time but now my boys join me often enough that I brew a teapot. I hope, when they are adults, they remember our teatime conversations and not our arguments.

I think one of the most important things to remember is that it is NOT a parent's job to make their child happy. We are charged with growing, responsible independent, polite functional adults, not serving their every whim and solving every problem for them. When the attitude starts to show it's hard not to respond with anger or sarcasm so it's best to have some sort of plan that you and your spouse can agree upon and then let the kids know in advance what the concern is and what the consequences are. Something like " Your dad and I are really concerned about the disrespectful language that you are using with us and we won't tolerate it around our house (or with any other adults for that matter) If you choose to speak to us in that way (tone or words)there will be consequences. Then you have to figure out what sort of consequences will be powerful and then be consistent in the responses. Maybe it is taking away computer access or cell phone for a short time, maybe something that will help around the house, whatever works for the particular kid.
A lot of this is just the teenage experience, but that's still no excuse for rude behavior. I have been through some tumultuous times with my daughter who is now almost 18 and the one thing she told me is that the reason she has never gotten into trouble much is that she NEW if she got into some sort of trouble that there would absolutely be consequences and said that most of her friends had very inconsistent or unpredictable consequences that their parents didn't follow through on.
Good luck to you. Keep the lines of communication open with her, she's going to need you guidance.

What fun. {:)

It seems your daughter is in the "OH NO! Mom and Dad AREN'T the super heros I always thought they were!" stage. It seems she's trying to find where she stands now and it's coming out as an obnoxious teen. {:)

I taught at-risk kids for five years and the most important thing is to stand firm and NOT accept this behavior. She's old enough to be talked to in a solemn, no-nonsense manner about her actions being unacceptable and that they will not be tolerated. See if you can get her to explain why she's acting this way. Don't direct her toward any specific answer and it may be hard, but she may not be able/willing to give answers right now but the questions will be in her head and I bet she'll think about them a lot. It's important not to be emotional but logical--emotion feeds emotion. Reinforce that she's a good kid and remind her of all the qualities you love about her and it might make it easier for both of you. That's a scary age, as I'm sure we all remember, but knowing the the folks are going to love/treat her as you always have might be enough to "bring her back from the dark side". }:)

Good luck, stay strong, and remember that you haven't changed and you're still doing your best to raise a caring, lovely woman.

M.

I would say its probably mostly the age. You get to teach and train her and the younger one now by demanding respect and calling them on it when its not given. Consistency is the key and you need to have a plan on what the consequences will be. Like if she doesn't want to do something thats asked of her let her know she will do it or have something added to it and something she likes taken away. Once they know you are going to do what you say they will start to get it. You are not alone they all do this. My daughter just dsaid to me you haven't washed my jeans to which I said no you were told to do your own laundry. She is 14 also.

K.,
Something you might try is to not respond to her rude behavior at all, instead take note of the words and body motions she makes, and next time she asks you for something respond as she would. Shrug your shoulders, roll your eyes or say "whatever . . . I'm doing something for me right now and I can't help you". If you can do this with a straight face, I think she may start feeling what you felt today. It's really important, though, that you make sure that you're not angry when you do it, or start laughing in the middle of it.
Another thing that tends to be a humbling experience for kids is to go help out in a soup kitchen, homeless shelter or giving food and gifts to families without. Seeing it with her own eyes will alter her own selfish perspective. Sometimes exterior experiences are the best teaching moments.
Hope that helps, and let us know how it goes!
D.

Hi K.,
I read some, but not all of the responses below. So please forgive me if some of this is redundant.
As a therapist, whose main area is working with teens, I understand what you are seeing. The moms below have had some great things to say too.
Have no fear. A lot of this sounds exactly like teenage behavior.
Does that mean let it slide, "she just being a teen?" No. Though this is developmentally appropriate, it is still your job to set boundaries and enforce them. By your example, your discussion and your rules, it is your job to show her what respecful behavior means to your family.
Just keep in mind that at this age, not unlike most childhood years, praise is more important and effective than punishment. Give her opportunities for showing kindness, perspective taking, empathy; and really praise her when she takes the opportunity (even when you have to make her do it). Also, when you talk to her about it incidents like todays, talk to her in terms of empathy. "you know, that was just an accident. How would it make you feel you were treated that way when you made a mistake?"
Setting her up for volunteer opportunities is a great idea too. Lessons learned in kindness, empathy and being humble are the greatest ones.

Isn't teenhood fun? You can tell her how to behave without diminishing her self esteem. Say, "that was rude," etc. Name the behavior and tell her to cut it out.

Hi!
This is a sticky, tricky situation. My brother IL and mother IL both have this sort of "I'm entitled and better than thou" attitude and it's hell when you're the reciepient of their wrath. So I emphasize with you! As a former high schools swim coach, this attitude is common with teens, but it's much like a toddler pushing their limits. My suggestion would be to set up a date with your daughter, either one on one or with another trusted adult like at a quiet, nice lunch place where you can both talk. Focus on the positive and let her know how you're feeling and how it hurts you, that as an example, the juice was an accident. Try to get her to open up and see why she's behaving the way she is... was her sis in the room when some of these things happened? Was it about showing sis that she could get away with that sort of thing? The other thing is that if you're afraid you won't get her to open up on a lunch date, you might need to invite either her father or another impartial adult that you BOTH trust, a favorite Aunt, maybe, to be the referee. You need to let her know that this type of attitude is not acceptable and won't be tolerated, but not put her on the defensive at the same time. Is she involved in enough positive after school activities? That also helps with the attitude when there's other positive role models around as well. Good luck!!!

My daughter is a pre teen so I read a book called For Parents Only by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice. It has a workbook that goes with it too. The book is a compilation of interviews and research done with teenagers that gives you insight into what they are thinking and why they do things. I highly recommend it. I found it at a Christian bookstore but it might be at a Borders or something like that too. Good luck!