Anyone with Experience with Loss of One Twin?

Hi C.
You are not alone. You have gotten some wonderful advice and support here (and some inconsiderate and insensitive posts, which is unfortunate). If you would like to speak with someone who has shared a similar experience, I would welcome you to contact us at Empty Cradle: www.emptycradle.org. We have phone support as well as meetings once a month. I hope this helps.

I just went through the exact same thing. It is a little bit hard and a little sad, but I feel so happy and blessed to be having another baby. (We already have a 2 yo.) I think things happen for a reason and that you are given what you can handle. I know that in "theory" having twins sounds like twice the fun and so cute, but it is soooooo much more work and incredibly exhausting, as well as expensive. (We couldn't afford to have a nanny and don't have family close by.) I would want to give my 2 yo as much attention and love as she deserves and has been getting her whole little life. With twins, that would be super difficult. Don't feel sad...feel blessed to have what you do have and appreciate that.

So sorry!! It is hard maybe look for a support group that can help and offer advice. I hope the saddness passes soon. Again so sorry

My condolences. 23 years ago, when I found out I was pregnant, I felt CERTAIN that I was with twins. I got very big very fast. I told my mid-wife that I was sure I had two babies; she told me that it was too early to tell without a tests. Then at about 3 months 3 weeks, I suddenly changed my mind and "felt" only one baby. Doppler magnification heard only one heartbeat at the 4 month check up - so I thought I must have been wrong about the twins.

Fast forward to birthing day: After being in labor for several hours, my water still hadn't broken so the midwife had me stand and did it manually. Our beautiful daughter arrived about 2 hours later. When the afterbirth was being expelled, it was clear that there were TWO placentas! We discovered that my water HAD broken, but that the second placenta had simply been blocking the cervex opening. Twin had never formed past the 3 1/2 month point. I had been pregnant with twins -!

My wonderful midwife explained that it is a far more common experience than you would have thought. Before we had all the modern tests and sonograms etc. most women never knew. And most doctors and midwives wouldn't disclose the "second" placenta so as not to upset the mom.

Here is how I reconciled it in my heart - Our daughter is an amazing young lady and I think it is because she has the strength, intellegence and heart of TWO! Please remember that you have your blessings. LL

I'm so sorry about your loss. Remember, even if it doesn't seem like it, your husband is facing the loss, too.

Men's brains are hard wired differently than women's. To a man, asking how you feel or talking about the pain you're in seems like the completely wrong approach. He's sure that will just cause you more pain, and keep you thinking in endless circles about things you have no power over and can't change. To men, if you can't change it, you ignore it; that's how they feel better. Men are also very action oriented, so to your husband, the proper course of action is to DO domething. That something was looking on the bright side, the fact that you have one healthy baby. He is probably extremely puzzled as to why that thought didn't help you. To him, that seems like the only positive fact of the situation. That's why he's going the other direction now and saying, "Hey, maybe we will have twins," hoping THATY'S what he should have said first. When that thought doesn't cheer you up, he'll probably get very grumpy and unresponsive, NOT because he doesn't love you or because he doesn't feel the loss of the baby, but because his best attempts at making you happy again have failed, and he doesn't know what else to do. Men do not understand why you would keep thinking about something that hurts.

A girlfriend would instinctively gather you up in her arms and cry with you while you told her how much it hurts. Men cannot understand that, because to them, it looks like that is making the pain worse. Tell your husband, VERY clearly, what you need, or he'll continue to be confused and do things that irritate you. He may say things like, "How will that help?" or "That won't change things," when you explain your need to discuss your feelings. Be prepared to explain, "This is how I can feel better, even if it seems strange to you." Assure him that when he listens, or says, "How are you feeling?", it DOES help. Remember, too, that he needs you right now, just like you need him! He's just no good at telling you that, because he's a man.

You can always honor the memory of this baby AND be happy again. It doesn't seem like it now, but you WILL feel like yourself again. And, you'll be able to help other moms, because you'll know how they feel. God bless!

I don't know if this will help you at all, but it helped me...

I was told (at a 7-week ultrasound in a similar situation) that only 10% of pregnancies that start out as multiples end up that way, which is to say that 90% are like yours and mine. I know, it's just a statistic, but he also explained that the lost twin was most likely never viable, never had a heartbeat, like a seed that never germinated.

I realise that this may be no consolation at all. However, *please*, for your sake and your baby's sake, try to focus on the positive. It sounds like you have many wonderful positives to focus on.

Oh C., I'm so sorry for your loss ((((hugs))). I have been through the same thing, vanishing twin syndrome. My last child, who is now an 11-year old boy, should have had a twin. Due to previous problems, I began having ultrasounds very early in my pregnancy, so I knew by 7 weeks I was expecting twins. I had always had a life-long facination with twins, so having a set of my own was a dream come true! I ran out and bought twin advice books and my news of twins traveled very fast! I never felt anything was wrong, and sailed into my 11-week ultrasound appointment expecting to see how my babies were doing. As soon as the ultrasound screen came up, I knew something was seriously wrong....where before there had been two identical sacs and beating hearts, now one was shrunken small with no hearbeat. I was devastated...my twin B was "reabsorbing".
Grieving was very hard. I had lost a baby, and my dream of twins, and yet, I was still pregnant! I didn't know how to feel...it was a confusing time. My husband was no help, his attitude was "hey, you're still pregnant!". No one knew what to say, and I kept bumping into people who did not know, and I would have to try not to cry while explaining. I was SO angry. Angry at God, my body, my husband, and especially anyone I happened to see who had a set of twins! I would look at them and think, "why are they healthy enough to have twins, and I'm not?" Looking back, I have to admit I was not very pleasant to be around, but this was how my grieving went. My mind refused to bond with baby A, who I was still carrying, because I truly believed it was only a matter of time until I lost him too. I tried not to think about this baby at all, and everyday expected another loss. It was my way of "protecting" myself. I went through the motions of life with my other kids, but emotionally just sort of shut down. You don't say how old you are, but for me at nearly 40, I needed an amniocentesis. "Great," I thought, "another opportunity to lose this baby!" I was really a basket case.
Finally, after the amnio results came in with the news that I had a completely healthy baby boy on the way, I relaxed and started counting on really having another child. It was like the clouds lifted, I got happy again, and went on to enjoy a normal pregnancy and delivery. My beautiful 4th child arrived on Valentine's Day, and is the most loving and delightful boy. I thank God for him everyday. I think after going through all that, I appreciated him more, appreciated the whole delivery for the miracle we sometimes forget that it is...
My deepest sympathy for your loss. That baby will always live in a little corner of your heart. I still wonder who my lost baby was, and hope I get to meet him or her someday in heaven. Like someone else mentioned, I collected all the cards, ultrasound pics, ultrasound video, and put it in a special keepsake box. I still look at it occasionally and feel sad. But I figure now that it happened for a reason, maybe that child would not have been born healthy, and how different our lives would have been coping with that. Be good to yourself during this time, grieve how you need to, and move on when you can. I'll keep you in my prayers.

I'm afraid this is not going to sound very supportive, but this is one of the problems of these early ultrasounds. Back in the day, we had no idea of what went on in early pregnancy, or even later on, the sex of our children. Many pregnancies were probably like yours, with an extremely tiny organism reabsorbed, and the person didn't even know she was pregnant.

Although I don't know that I ever lost a twin, I did have a miscarriage fairly early in pregnancy and it was an "undeveloped" mass of tissue. I wasn't devastated, because there was no evidence that it was ever going to have been a baby, and I was happy that "nature" had done what was "right" for this "potential" child. You see, I had already had a baby with very severe multiple birth defects, whom we loved and were caring for. She did not have much quality of life, and died nzturally at age 2 1/2. Although our family benefited greatly from loving her, and from the many lessons her life taught us, in a sense that is a selfish point of view, because her life did not benefit her, and she lived mostly in pain at worst and discomfort at best. The geneticists who looked at the miscarriage told me that life would have never been viable for this mass of tissue, so I did not think of it as a "baby," although of course we were sorry that the pregnancy had not come to fruition.

I went on to have three perfect and healthy natural children, to add to a family of four we adopted. I suggest you cherish the children you have, the new one that is on the way, and think of the second speck of organism as something that was never going to be a baby in any case. By dwelling on the concept that a "twin" has been lost, you are thinking about something that was never going to be, and was not meant to be. "Nature" or "God" as you choose, knows better than any of us! Your husband may think that holding out hope is kind, or maybe he really believes it, but it will probably just lead to continued and prolonged thought about this. It is not healthy for you or your family! If you can't shake it soon, I would suggest visiting a counselor for cognitive therapy.

I think any kind of loss like this is hard. When we were trying for #2 I was a couple days late took a test. Negative. I was late for a week. PG Right? nope negative. Then when it showed up I was really sad. The ONLY time I had ever been late was when I was PG w/ the first. I was upset for a couple days. And I hadn't even had "confirmation" that I was PG. My Aunt had an eptopic (in the tubes) when I was a baby, early 80's. she was hemmoraging w/ no reason (didn't know she was PG) and they went to do exploratory surgery and found what was going on. She lost the whole left side. 5 years later she was PG w/ twins and lost one I think around 10 weeks. It was hard. Since then she has gone on to have 6 more, 7 total. With only one side! There is light at the end of the tunnel. Her second is a little self centered so we joke that she didn't want to share. Most likely these were fraternal twins from 2 seperate eggs and one was not attached properly and therefore didn't grow properly. More then likely if the baby gestated long enough for birth he/she would not have survived. Also with these kinds of complications it could have put you and your other baby at risk. Please know that there is abosolutely no way you could have prevented this from happening. It is in no way your fault. It happened for a reason. Maybe share with your husband some of the things these mamas are saying. It is hard and it is a loss of life. Especially having all these hormones going everywhere it is even more tough. You will get through this. I have heard of families releasing ballons for this kind of situation. Maybe that will help. Is there anyone who can come and help you for a couple days? To help you out with the kids and be there for you. I am sorry for your loss and hope you feel better soon.

I was 49 when I learned that I was not only pregnant....but expecting twins! The news was exciting but frightening as well after the doctors warned me of all the dangers of having children so late in life. One thing I was warned about was the missing twin syndrome. My entire first trimester I was very concerned that I would lose them both, or at least one of them. During my 2nd month I was at dinner with my 25 year old son & started bleeding very heavily. I called the doctor & he told me to come in the following day. At that very moment I thought for sure I had miscarried, or lost one of the babies. I didn't sleep at all. When I went in....all was well. I finally realized worrying would only hurt the babies. I knew they fed off of me not only for their food, but their entire growth. If I wanted healthy babies I knew I had to focus on the positive. I told myself that if I lost one, or both, it was meant to be. I laid my trust in God & chose to continue my pregnancy with only positive feelings. I believed everything was in God's hands and that if I lost one or both He knew more than I. It's o.k. to feel sad that you lost one of your babies, and I'm sure you will feel sadness for years to come. The baby that is in your tummy needs you to be strong so that it can grow. I know God has plans for you. He knows more than we do. Your baby that you lost could have been very sick, or the baby that you are still carrying may need your undivided attention as it grows. Focus on that baby that you are now nuturing and rely on God for strength to help you with your mourning. Enjoy every day. You have been blessed with the two daughters you have, and have been blessed with one more on the way. Spend your time with your two daughters getting ready for their new sibling. Good luck to you & may God be with you during your time of sympathy.

Hi C.-
I am sorry to hear your news, and understand why you have been upset by the news. Though I am now blessed with three great kids, the journey to this place has been sprinkled with several miscarriages, the latest occurring at five months. The situations are different, I understand, but the advice someone gave me may be helpful to you. I got it after we lost the second pregnancy at five months. We had a two year old at home, and like you, I was devestated, in bed and feeling like life was unfair, what had I done wrong, etc. My husband was supportive for the first three days. We grieved together, and we attended a grief counseling session together. The counselor said something to the effect of: "The longer you wallow in your grief, you dishonor the family that you have. So many people try so hard and can never have one child. YOu need to focus all the love and attention you can on the blessing you have right here with you. It's not fair to allow yourselves to not give him all you have."
I went on to have 2 more kids after two more miscarriages (it turns out I have a medical condition that makes carrying babies to full term difficult) and as hard as it was to hear that we needed to move on, I realized he was right. I had to take care of myself, and I had to take care of the child we had with us already. The longer we allow ourselves to grieve for what is not, we dishonor what is. We make choices in life. And though you didn't choose this tragedy, you can choose to move forward for the sake of your two kids at home, and the baby that is waiting to join your family. Your family deserves this, and so do you.
I hope you can hear this advice for what it is, and that it can help you the way it helped me. I would also recommend that if it gets increasingly more difficult for you to move on, to get some counseling. Grief counselors are terrific. Your OB should be able to recommend a good one in your area.
Take good care-

I am so sorry. Of course you are devastated, this is a loss just as any other. Hopefully you and your husband can talk it thru and you can help him understand where you are coming from so he can show you more support.
I have to say I am not in the medical field, but I studied womens health in college and I have twins myself. I have not known it to be true that you can get pregnant with a second baby later on, a day later perhaps but not much more than that. At this stage they for sure should see a heartbeat. I saw heartbeats with my twins at 7 weeks and a heartbeat with my singleton at 5.5 weeks I asked my perinatologist this same question--"were my twins conceived several days apart?" because one was measuring a bit smaller. And we were trying to figure out how they happened since we only saw one mature follicle at my ovarian ultrasound (it took me a while to get pregnant so we had an ovarian u/s to make sure things were looking normal). He explained that it is possible for one egg to mature, ovulate and get fertilized and then another one to do the same a little while later, but that can only happen in about a 24 hr. window. So I am sorry to say that what your husband is hoping for is probably not the case. Unless fertility drugs were used, then that could change "what's normal" but I am not familiar with that arena, nor did you specify if you were on them. But typically fraternal twins are at the most 24 hrs. apart. I think the u/s tech. was probably quite accurate in what he/she told you. My heart goes out to you. My hope for you is that you allow yourself to grieve and work thru it. Before you know it you will have another little baby in your arms to hold and love, and that is the most precious thing in the world. Peace to you and yours.

My 2nd son just turned 16 a couple weeks ago. When I was 8-9 weeks pregnant with him I experienced some cramping and talked to my dr. who told me to go the ER. There they did a vaginal ultrasound and I was told the same thing, that it looked like I had been pregnant with twins. They could see the outlining of another sack, but the baby didn't develop and that my body would absorb it. It was sad to think there may have been another baby but for whatever reason, only God knows, it wasn't meant to be. I think it would have been devastating to miscarry altogether and I am very thankful to have had just one, totally healthy baby. And, I have to be truthful, if I had twins with that pregnancy, I most likely would not have had more children after that. My 16 year old is a great kid, but one if him is more than enough! Even though it may not make sense right now, God does know what He's doing. I want to encourage you to focus on your family and the little one who is growing in you and look forward to seeing his/her face on their birthday. I wish you a happy, healthy, vibrant pregnancy and a perfect little one in every way. Blessings!

Hi C.,
I have no experience of twins but I did see a special over the weekend about a variety of mothers that had twins but one twin was not fully developed (no head but had a heart)but was still needing blood so the undeveloped twin latched on to the fully developed twin. It was a tough decision for the family but they had to go and cut the cord that the undeveloped baby had on the fully developed baby. The fully developed baby would have died (or had major brain damage)if the other twin had continued to take blood from it. It was a very dramtic event and the prep prior to the surgery had the mother very indifferent. I found myself glued to the TV because it was heartbreaking but also a sense of hope that the fully developed baby could live a healthy life. My heart goes out to you and nothing anyone says can make it better just time and your own love for the living twin will make you feel good that he/she survived any potential issue (such as the above referenced) As for your situation - you didn't have a choice like that to make and the sadness of losing one twin was out of your control.

God Bless you and your family C.. Looks like you have a great support and love in your girls and your hubby. Remember, men will never understand ultimately the feeling you bare of the loss but I think your heathly little angel that will be born soon will help you heal.

Sincerely,
B.

Hi C.,
I had an ultrasound and found out that my baby was not developing properly and I was devestated. It took awhile but I eventually realized that mother nature (or God, whatever your belief system supports) has a way of deciding outcomes for all of us. Be grateful for the woderful children that you have and for the beauty that is growing inside of you. Tey not to focus on what could have been b/c in reality maybe it was never meant to be. Took me awhile to get so pragmatic but I hope that it does offer you some comfort. Take care Mama!

C. I am sorry for your loss. I haven't had this experience but a dear friend of mine went though a similar loss. She was actually pregnant with triplets and lost one of them. The Doctors also used the term "reabsorbed" which is not a very nice term I don't think. She was devastated as well. Everyone kept telling her "you still have 2 healthy babies" but that of course does not help when you are trying to deal with the loss of the other baby you also loved!! Somehow she got thru and eventually she was able to think of the baby as her "third angel" and she always tells her girls (She did carry the other two babies to term and they were born perfect and still are)about their sibling, the angel, who is always watching over them.I hope that helps you a little.

Hi C.,.

Please, please, please, ignore the very RUDE comments that Morgan made to you in the previous post. She was out of line and inappropriate. You are entitled to your feelings about this situation, and nobody has the right to make you feel guilty for mourning the loss of a child. I am so very sorry that this has happened to you; it must be difficult.

Someone suggest a support group; I wonder if your local hospital has a group you can attend? You can ask you OB for a referral, if you are interested.

Please feel free to take all the time you need to process the emotions you have about this. It takes time to get over the loss of a child, regardless of how the loss happened.

You are in my thoughts, sweetie.

I have not been through this experience, but it happened to my best friend. It was devastating. All I can tell you is the baby who surviced is now the smartest, funniest, most talented and NICEST person I have ever known. He is 17 now. And good looking too! I think the loss of his twin over time made both he and his mom better, more compassionate people.

I have suffered other very difficult losses in my life, and there unfortunately don't seem to be any great fixes.
Everybody mourns in their own way for their own time. You have to hold on like you're riding a roller coaster until it gets better--and it will, I promise you. You will be happy again. Don'tpush your family away! Love your children and husband, love and care for whoever is developing in your tummy, and try to accept that you are not in control of this. You can't make the facts different, but you can use this experience to become a better mom, a better person.

My friend and I did. You can too.

All my love and prayers to you.

I wish I could just give you a big hug and reassure you right now. My amazing 6 yr old son was a twin. We lost his twin at 14weeks. Since I was further along I ended up having a miscarriage and my body did not reabsorb the twin. It was a terrifying experience but it all turned out alright just as yours will. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and if you need to talk feel free to message me.

C.,

I was pregnant with triplets at one point and each time I went in for an ultrasound one would disappear until the last one finally could be seen but had stopped developing (no heartbeat). I did not want to believe that I, who was always termed as Fertile Murtle, had miscarried not one, but 3 babies. I already had a 6 year old and 5 year old twins but this was very devistating to me. I also felt that my husband could have been more supportive. I think a big part of me learning to get past the pain is rejoicing in the children that I already had and looking forward to trying again. Although my husband wasn't as supportive as I would have liked, I also know that sometimes men deal with grief in an entirely different fashion than women, and often times they don't know what to say, so they say nothing. It hurts but it is the truth. I am sorry for your loss. Keep telling yourself that things will be ok and think positive. Focus on the darling little life that is still growing within you. Nuture your baby as it grows and love it unconditionally when it arrives in this world. BTW, the newest edition to our family turns 4 months on Wednesday. Look forward, not back. Bless you.

You are "allowed" to mourn the loss of the other baby, so take it, but don't squander the moments and miss the blessings of your other children and your baby who feels everything.

Remember that 30 years ago, you would have never known you potentially were pregnant with 2 babies. This technology CAN be a good thing, but there is always a flip side of everything. On one hand, you knew there were 2 and on the other hand, you knew there were 2.

At the risk of sounding lame, you can place one hand on your forehead and the other hand in the indentation under the collarbone and next to the shoulder....this is the point for grief. (Feel free to look up organ/emotion association.) Tap both hands while thinking of your loss.

Sending you lots of love.

PS: My mom had 8 miscarriages - and I was her 9th pregnancy....and I was a twin pregnancy with a "vanishing twin".

Hi, C.,

I'm sorry to hear that things are not turning out the way you had hoped.

I experienced something similar. During my first pregnancy, conceived through expensive and painful fertility treatment, IVF, one of my twins did not develop. I felt disappointed but did not feel terrible at that point because I was hopeful that the second would survive. A few weeks later, I found out that the other one had not survived. I was devastated. I went through a second round of high-tech fertility treatment, ICSI, a few months later. I miscarried again. I was even more distraught after the second miscarriage. I tried yet another round, a third round of fertility treatment, which was canceled because the prospects did not look good. On our fourth and final round, we finally succeeded in conceiving and carrying a healthy child to term. I carried my first live child to term at 40 1/2. To my amazement, my husband and I naturally conceived what was to become my second son six months later. He was born two months before my 42nd birthday.

Each person feels different about miscarriage, and each miscarriage is different. I think that after several rounds of failed fertility treatment, my husband was very disappointed, as at nearly 40, we both wanted to have kids but neither one of us had and we had spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to achieve what was increasingly seeing to be impossible for us. He did not seem nearly as upset as I did, though. Before I had any kids, I was very distraught about the idea of never having kids. However, after bearing my first live child, even though I realized that the risk of something going wrong in subsequent pregnancies was fairly high, I felt much calmer because I had already been blessed with the experience of becoming a mother. Some of my relatives and friends have not been fortunate enough to have any children even though they really wanted to have children. I feel very lucky.

Another thing that helped me recover from the demise of my unborn offspring was holding a memorial service for my miscarried offspring, attended by just my husband and me, shortly after my second miscarriage, at the beach.

I recommend reading the book Unsung Lullabies by Drs. Diamond and Jaffe.

Something you might try that my friends who have lost newborn infants have tried is joining Compassionate Friends.

Best wishes,
Lynne E

I am sorry for you loss.
This is actually quite common.I have been through 2 miscarriage, but there was only 1 embryo and that was hard but that is all that there was. No other survivor.

I don't think you should be upset at your husband for this. But i know that never stops us anyway To him, it is not real until he actually sees a baby, we are just more invested cuz it is our baby that we are incubating. He probably doesnt know how to deal with this. I have been married the same amount of time and sometimes my husband doesnt know what to say to me or what to do. But I know he loves me and our girls with all his heart.

The second time i miscarried was after I already had to children and it was a lot easier for my to deal with because i know that it happens and almost everyone i went though has had at least 1. And having those two kids gave me something to focus on. aND knowing that they needed me more right now. The first time was before any children and i felt the loss so hard because i felt just kept picturing that baby in my arms.

I totally understand your feelings. However, your husband is on the right track and you have to open yourself in respecting that too and for the fact that you also have two beautiful girls who really need their Mommy's attention and share of love too. I too, am a mother of a lost child at birth. I shut my doors on my husband who advised me, talk to me, I ignored and had no care for our other children whom, my husband worked so hard in spending extra time with them, take them to park, swimming on the weekends as we always done as a whole family tradition, he was at their every football games not considering the cost of gas and rushing from one kid's game at one location to the next,cleaning the house, laundry, cooking for the family, tending to our kids homeworks,exhausted, drained,trying to come around to talk to me and I kept pushing him and everyone away, refusing to accept anything he says. I didn't realized how much pain he has been carrying and the very late night crying tears, the sobbings, that one night I followed the sound and found my husband at our front porch in the dark just sobbing and in so much emotional pain. All that time, I didn't know, didn't feel his pain as well, yet,not a word of complaints except he tries to be there for me and our kids. A mother's feelings are much deeper but know that a man also is just as torn, but someone has to be strong for the both of you. Try and not to be too stressed out and too deep in the stage of depression and saddness because you are putting the baby in the same situation. I had turned my back on God after the loss of our baby, stopped going to church, refused to look at anyone who has anything to do with church. Miraculously, we were blessed with three more and we could never be more happier. I found out I was pregnant four months after the loss. The baby boy we lost, looked very identical to the baby I gave birth to very shortly after. And two more after that. They are all very strong, healthy, and straight A's in school. Great in their football careers. I realized then that "Things happen for a good reason and whatever that reason is, we will never know and understand except it's God's plan." He create things and take them away for good reason. Remember how you feel, the baby is feeling it too and he is too little to be put into such stage. He needs your strength and energy to survive and so does your family :) Be strong.

I am happy to tell you that I have a healthy busy 7 year old that was a twin as well. I had a scan around 7 1/2 weeks only to be shocked to find that we were having twins! One was smaller and my Dr said not to get my hopes up as it was more common than you'd think to start out with 2 but lose one early. I believe he called it vanishing twin syndrom. I of course had my heart wrapped around the fact that all would be well for all of us. I had some odd cramping/light spotting around 11 weeks, did an ultrasound and found that only one baby. I was deflated, sad and of course worried out of my mind for the baby. I learned that because of early scans now days that it is more common to find out twins and have one fail to progress...before the widespread use of ultrasounds in early pregnancy women just didn't know and went on to have a healthy baby. It did get me comfort knowing that I was not having some bizarre experiance. You have ever right to feel whatever you need to to get through this loss but remember that you have a little one that is still with you and not to let your grief spill over into affecting yours or the baby's health. I had beautiful baby #3 from my experiance and was grateful to hold her in my arms. We went on to have a surprize #4 a year later and all was well... Crazy with 4 little people but life was good. I know it's a hard time and if your like me you'll be nervous until you get much farther along. I held my breathe with each kiddo until about 25 weeks and then I felt like now we'll be ok. Take care of yourself, know your not alone in this and seek out a support other than your hubby to turn to with this as well. Men just don't understand our feelings of loss when things happen early sometimes or maybe they just are not really connceted yet to the whole real experiance because it's not their body and hormones going nuts. I found support in a friend through that time and it wasn't until years later that my other half filled me in on how he had felt. It was a little late but we still have each other and learned to communicate in the moment... Not later on.I'm so sorry for your loss! May you find many blessings in the months to come and peace in your heart. XOXO

HI C.,
Let me start off by saying how sorry I am for your loss.
I am presently 20 weeks along with a baby boy, but was originally pregnant with twins. We lost our precious Baby B somewhere between 9-10 weeks and we were very quite devastated over it. I did grieve for about 2 weeks, with each day getting easier. At one point I realized how blessed I was to lose just one and not both of them. My doctor told me that if I had lost Baby B any later, it would have meant I would miscarry them both. I also realized that my emotions would affect my sweet Baby A that was still in utero and so I forced myself to spend my timing thinking about Baby A...how I wanted to decorate his room, finding clothes for him, names, basically anything that allowed me to spend more time thinking about him.
Also, one thing I did that was recommended to me was to build a memorial box for Baby B. We decided to name her just to give the baby a personality (even though we did not know the sex), and we collected all of the ultrasounds, flower clippings from bouquets that were sent, etc and placed them neatly inside. We wrote a letter to her telling her that we miss her, but that we will see her in heaven. Than we bought a large flowering color bowl and put it out on our front door with a little name plate on it for her. I guess this was our way of having a memorial service for her and gave us an opportunity to say our final goodbyes.
Your family may have a hard time understanding your grief. There is a special bond between a mother and her babies in utero, and you will experience that closeness at the moment of conception as you feel all the bodily changes. The baby will not be as real to your family until you give birth to it. So, you may have to tell your family what you need or expect from them by way of emotional support. It's not that they aren't saddened by the loss, they just didn't have the opportunity to know and love your sweet little one like you did.
I sincerely hope this helps. Know that you are not alone. My prayers are with you.

C., I am so sorry that you feel it as a loss. My last child was a twin and I lost her "sister" at 10 weeks. Now that my daughter is 6 I can see that she has parts of her sister in her. The hard part was going on with the pregnancy. Because the uterus was prepared to carry two babies, all of my test came back with concern. I had to switch Ob's when I found out I was pregnant and we had a hard time getting the new OB to acknowledge that I was originally pregnant with two. He was only worried about the one that I was carrying. We decided to just focus on her. She was a surprise to begin with. I look at her now and am so grateful for her. Like I said before, her sister is a part of her. I know that and I am grateful that I can see it. I do not think that I have shared that with anyone. It is my way of dealing with it. Good luck and treasure all of your children. Let them know that you are there for them all.

Hello C.,
you have our deepest condolences. (I am responding for my wife, E., who is sitting next to me). Our first child miscarried, and although we did not have twins, the loss was devastating. E. was only 12 weeks pregnant when we found out. We were on our way out of town (8 hour car trip) and passed by the Dr before hitting the road. We were both weeping so hard when I called to tell my mother that we had to pull the car over. As a man I am a bit unusual: I am very expressive emotionally. I am however fairly typical when it comes to how I respond when my wife is emotional: I intellectualize and try to give her solutions rather than empathising with her and simply experiencing her emotions with her, and sharing while she works through them. That solution oriented intelluctual response is the standard guy way to react. It is a bit different from the way most women react to emotional trauma. I know this is not exactly what you are looking for, but hopefully this can at least help you to understand that maybe your husband isn't really being insensitive so much as sort of "speaking a different language." I don't know if it would be out of place in your relationship to gently express to him that you need his emotional support, but you could try being direct with him if you think he could handle it. I don't want to instigate strife for you guys, but men and women very often have completely different ways of reacting to the same situation. I know I have to work hard every day to modify my reaction to E. with the understanding that sometimes she is not looking for a solution (I try to fix everything) but often just wants a sympathetic ear and emotional dialogue. If you do try the direct approach with your Prince Charming, try to keep the focus on what your are feeling rather than what he is not giving you. He propably just doesn't understand what you need during this deeply emotional, heart breaking time. Help him to understand. Please don't get me wrong: I don't think it is all your job, but we men (brick headed emotion vacuums that we are) just need a gentle reminder from our Princesses sometimes.
As far as getting through the loss, what worked best for us was knowing that our beloved baby was definitely in a better place. For us, since it was our first pregnancy, we had to wait to pour out all of that extra love on our other children, but I think that could be helpful to you. Just pour out that extra love on the ones you already have that much more. We also named our sweet little baby we never got to meet. His name is Christian.
-Peter and E.