Anyone in a Relationship/ Married to a Man with Adult ADD And/or Anxiety?

Updated on February 23, 2010
C.P. asks from Saint Helens, OR
4 answers

I am 26 and engaged to be married June/2010. My fiance' is on Zoloft and Adderall for adult ADD and for Anxiety and his psychiatrist is still changing medications and dosing until they find the right combination for him. The Zoloft seems to be working better than the other meds the doctor had him on before, but we are still having arguments because of his outbursts that the ADD/ anxiety causes. You have to "walk on eggshells" sometimes so that what you say doesn't come across the wrong way or else he could take it the wrong way and become overly defensive and have outbursts where he will say hurtful things he doesn't mean and act out towards objects in the house (throwing things, knocking things over,etc).
It has taken an immense toll on our relationship to say the least, and because of it I am emotionally distant from him and I have been for some time. After the outbursts, he apologizes and is ready to turn the page and move on but I am not ready to, as I am still hurt and angry towards him.
I have been really trying to feel the same way about him like I did when we first met but it has been hard to push all of the hurt he has caused aside. We are seeing a therapist who deals with couples and ADD/ADHD. It has been helping but we have a long ways to go.
Also, he has been working so much lately and working Saturdays too which he never has had to do before but someone at his job voluntarily laid himself off so my guy has to pick up the slack. When he gets home lately, he is exhausted and has no energy for any love making and I feel even more distant from him because of this. He says that the lack of love making has nothing to do with not wanting or loving me, and that he is just so exhausted. It still makes me feel like he doesn't find me attractive and that he doesn't want me.
Plus, with him also taking the Zoloft,I think it is affecting his libido negatively a little too.
Him and I love each other more than anything and we want to make this work so bad. We are getting married in 4 months!!
I was laid off from my job almost a year ago, and have been looking ever since to find work. In addition to that stress, I have battled with being overweight almost my entire life and I want to lose some before the big day and so with the arguing that has gone on, and the stress to find another job, and to lose some weight before the wedding, I am feeling so pressured and depressed and I have suffered from depression since around my first period. I am taking Wellbutrin and once added Cymbalta a few months back and while it helped a lot it affected my libido negatively and not wanting it to affect my love life I stopped taking it. But, now that my fiance is on Zoloft, and is less interested in intimacy because of i ( I think), and because of him working so much, should I go back on the Cymbalta regardless of it affecting my libido? My fear is that if I do go back on Cymbalta, everything might be happier in both our worlds, but where does that put our love life? I don't want it to be non-existent but I don't want to be depressed either. All I want to do lately is sleep all day and I can barely drag myself out of bed to do anything and I am so sick of feeling this way!
HELP ANYONE PLEASE!!

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P.W.

answers from Dallas on

Honey, you have a lot to think about. I would suggest your find a relationships counselor and start going immediately. This is not the way you want to start out your lives together. It's wonderful that you are supporting one another but you need to work out a few things with your medications before you can move forward. Talking about your feelings with a trained counselor would certainly help you along, take the pressure off, and allow your wedding day to be happy and carefree............even if you end up delaying the date.

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A.E.

answers from Minneapolis on

I know this is hard but perhaps you should consider postponing the date until you both have everything sorted out with your meds and you can smooth over your relationship. I don't know much about depression but eating right and exercise can help as well. When I was getting married I wanted to lose a few pounds and didn't know where to start so I bought the Fit Yummy Mummy e book. It is a program tha actually works and it only cost $40. Perhaps you could try that. Good Luck. You really need to tell him how you have a hard time just letting the hurt go. He needs to know how he affects you even if he can't always control it.

L.B.

answers from New York on

My husband has ADHD and I have to say it is not easy, but everyone is different and if you and your fiance are willing to work with it, it is manageable. Google adhdmarriage.com, a site that is run by Ned Hallowell, PHD. Dr. Hallowell has done a lot of work with people with ADHD and has ADHD himself. His web site is reputable. He has written many good books on ADHD and recently published a book on ADHD and marriage. I can't remember the name of it.

Talk to your doctor about your concerns regarding your libido and antidepressants. He should be able to work with you in finding one that does not have that effect on you. There are many antidepressants and you just need to find the right one or combination with the fewest side effects. You have been on Wellbutrin for a very long time, maby it is not working anymore? If your doctor is not that knowledgeable about the different antidepressants, you can see a psychiatrist for medication management. Maby your fiance can try another type of antidepressant, one that does not cause him to have a decrease in libido?

It sounds like you are on the right track, you are seeing a therapist and reaching out for help, keep reaching until you get it and you are satisfied with the results. Good Luck
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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

Oh gosh kudos to you for wanting to help/find help/find a remedy for this.
Not everyone could handle that enormity.
Just keep in mind that it will be a lifelong journey/problem/experience and daily.
And you too, along with he, would probably benefit from counseling, since there are so many issues to consider and even the most able human, always needs professional help to manage it, healthily.

He sees a Doctor for his meds... but is he also seeing a Therapist or Psychiatrist, since they are the one's who can prescribe meds as well?

You seem to be getting real affected by all of this, perhaps seek a support group or counselor for yourself... since you are getting depressed, and to get the right mix of meds for yourself.

Also, it is all something you really want to do/live with and "be" in your life? Or not? What are your honest feelings about it... and do you really want to do it or are able to? And if there are children involved... then how is that with respect to your/your fiance's emotional issues, and is the child able to cope, as well? If there are so many anger outbursts and fighting etc. then it must affect any child as well, in your family... and it affects you as an adult.
I would also consider helping or providing some sort of help for any child you have in your family, in dealing with this as well.... because children are always affected by these things too.

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