September 01, 2008,
L.D. asks from Kansas City, MO on August 28, 2008
Anyone Have Any Advice on Preteen Attitude????
My daughter is 11 1/2 going on 31. Does anyone have any advice about how to handle pre-teen attitude???? Lately, it's gotten worse. I really think that it's just getting to that time where it doesn't matter who is talking to her. I've tried just talking to her in a low soothing voice and she still gets an attitude with me. She doesn't really seem to have an attitude with her dad, it's more with me. I try not to let it bother me. She may just be getting ready to start her period for the first time. If she's acting this way and it's not even started yet, what am I really in for?? HELP!!! Any help would be greatly appreciated.
2 moms found this helpful
S.R. answers from St. Louis on August 29, 2008
Ask her who she thinks she is talking to with that attitude! Put her in her place verbally first then lay down the law with dicipline if that doesn't work!
Either that or ........prepare for it to get way worse as she gets older AND prepare for her sister to follow in her footsteps because if you are going to let one walk all over you, the other will see that and follow.
R.W. answers from Kansas City on August 28, 2008
Well L....welcome to the teen years (almost). : ) I have a 14 year old girl who is almost 15 and I am still alive so you, too, will make it. One thing I have with my kids that works well is to tell them that I will not speak to them when their tone is rude or hateful. Period. And mean it. Now some would assume that means I never get to talk to them. Not true! She gets it now and will usually apologize when she realizes she is being rude. I also try to use this to encourage myself to speak more kindly to her. I think that so often kids this age range are so used to talking like that (the whole drama thing) that it becomes habit rather than personal. Remember that people treat us how they are allowed to so try to nip it in the bud and things will slowly start to get better. The main thing, like I said earlier, is tell her you will not discuss matters with her when she is disrespectful or rude. Point out her tone immediately but then move on. And if she continues to be snotty then take a away a privilege (a big one such as tv, computer, whatever she holds dear) and let her know that when she can learn to speak nicely to whomever she is speaking to that that will earn her that privilege back. AND MEAN IT. The trick is consistency. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Actions always speak much louder than words! : )
It will get better with time-but only with you taking action now rather than later. You will get it worked out. Things will get easier. I promise. Good luck!
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T.R. answers from Joplin on August 29, 2008
i hear preteens are like rabid dogs...back away slowly and don't look them in the eye, it must makes them angry. could just be a rumor, though. as far as the lipping off to you and not to dad, that's totally normal. i did it, my mom did it, i'm sure most girls do. and it gets better after the periods start and are regulated...then it's just once a month instead of constantly. lay down limits and consequences for behavior and stick to them...start a "pissy" jar...everytime she's pissy with you she owes you a dime, or something, from her allowance or stash of cash. that'll get the point across pretty quick. good luck!
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C.S. answers from St. Louis on August 29, 2008
I am a SAHM of two girls as well, 13 & 9, and am going through the same thing with my 13 year old. (Much more of an attitude with me, but now occasionally with her dad,) The only thing that has worked for us is the taking away of privileges, particularly the computer. She does not like to talk on the phone, but loves to be on the computer and IM her friends. We have told her that as her parents who have tried to give her the best life possible we deserve and demand a certain amount of respect and if she cannot handle giving us that amount of respect and common courtesy, then we do not feel that she is ready to handle the privileges that come with the lifestyle we have worked to give her. Usually, when she starts giving me attitude I don't even start going down that road and just send her to her room so that she knows that I am not even going to deal with her until she can be respectful. She has improved considerably, but sometimes she still has to test the waters.
1 mom found this helpful
N.F. answers from St. Louis on August 29, 2008
Here's the good news -this will not last forever - here's the bad news, hang on it will last until she is about 18! I raised 3 girls alone, and I like to tell people they woke up one morning when they were about 12 and I did not see my child again until they graduated high school.
The thing to remember is you are the mom - no matter how much she dislikes your rules, that is just how it is. A lot of parents make the mistake of trying to be their children's friends. They have their own friends, some good and some bad
but only one mother.
My girls are now grown - 27 and an Optometrist, 25 and a nurse and the 22 year old is a massage therapist. They tell me now they thought I was strict when they were teenagers, but they appreciate it now. My oldest says she can remember the minute "mom grew up". She was about 15 and we had a habit of arguing about everything. One day right in the middle of an argument it hit me this was BS, I am her mother and when I say no I mean no! We sat down and actually talked and I told her when I tell her no there will be no more arguing about my decision - and if what ever it is is REALLY important to her - she needed to come to me calmly and present her case and we would talk it over, but I told her I was through yelling! It wasn't easy at first because old habits die hard but it did work! This did not keep the attitude at bay, but it did make it easier.
Keep punishments consistant and find the one that works the best - one of my girls hated being around the rest of the family - so her punishment was being grounded to the family, another one hated being sent to her room - there is always something that works for each one - you just have to find it.
Just hang in there and remember it's nothing personal! And it is all worth it when she re-emerges from the dark side - she will thank you!
1 mom found this helpful
K.B. answers from Wichita on August 29, 2008
Good Morning L., what your in for is sort of like a roller coaster ride of a life time. Girls get those little attitudes all the time. If you check with your mom she could probably share some of the things you went through also. ;) I know mine could lol
Our 9 y/o gr daughter has one of those attitude problems too, with her mom more then anyone else. I won't tolerate it, and she knows it. Tia pouts, then if that doesn't work she gets teary eyed. Tia does come by it naturally though as her momma really throws even the Word "Attitude" around all the time. It really gets on my last nerve at times.
What I personally have done with our GD, is taken her out alone some where, maybe a park or just go driving. We talk about what is happening in her young life and what if anything we can change to make it better. Sometimes there is nothing we can actually do but talk about it. Get it out in the open, not bottled up inside.
Ask her why it seems she wants to speak Ugly to you. Act ugly, or just be rude. Let her know it's ok to be mad at you (if that is it) but she still needs to speak to you respectfully. Family members are the most important people we will ever have in the beginning of our lives, they help to nurture, guide, love and console us. If our attitude towards the ones we love is off, nothing good can happen until we can learn to correct it.
Is she having a hard time at school? Is she being bullied or is someone picking on her so that she takes it out on you?
Yup the hormones could be raging now also. Gezzzz it seems kids are maturing sooner then they used to! Developing quicker, Tia is wearing little bra's now, and has started to get under arm hair. WHICH momma tells everyone about Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Tia is 9.
Momma speak slang alot as she was raised in a not so good part of town where the language was clipped and slangy. So she also points out Tia's Bootie. Some of her niece's and nephews are Bi-Racial so she speaks that way to. She doesn't have conversations with anyone. She Conversates.
Please understand I am not putting down other race's, it's how we were raised etc.. But I do feel if your not African American you shouldn't try to speak like one either!
Sorry I digressed.....lol
Take you daughter to a movie or have a girls day out and just talk to her, see if she will tell you whats going on in her world away from the family.
Will pray for you L. and your little lady
K. Nana of 5
1 mom found this helpful
R.G. answers from Kansas City on August 29, 2008
It always takes two to argue. It is hard but, now that my daughter now 13 we are close. I choose my battles wisely. We also talked about ways she responded to me and how she could controll it. I saw that she could be nice to friends and dad.
I would simple not responed to any thing she said unless it was nice. If she rolled her eyes at me I would turn around and ignore her request. I would tell her she needed to talk to me with tone, behavior with respect. I had one work- check your self. I was calm and didn't get caught up in the drama. It wasn't easy... I made lots of mis-takes at first. We would talk about her body changeing. I would give her some grace but, if she need to vent she needed to say so. I would let her vent all she wanted... on how she felt. But with-out the YOU word. Some times time I would just ask, do you need to vent? Set the boundries.
A.L. answers from St. Louis on August 29, 2008
Sorry to say it is a girl thing with their mothers. my oldest who now in collegs was ans is still like that. she is daddies girl. it really hurts.I know. hang in there and do your best to tell hr love her and MAKE SURE you and your husband don't disargee on the rules. you both have to agree and you can go afterwards and talk if you don't.
pray!! pray!!! my youngest is got the tude too but she is better with me then my husband. as least for now.
I know this is tough. hang in there.
K.O. answers from Kansas City on August 29, 2008
I would listen to the advice about stopping the behavior now from several of the other moms I have read. My advice was going to be the same thing as Nancy F, Linda S and Christine G for example.
The other quick thing is I remember when my younger sis when she was about 11 right before she started her period. OH MY! My parents did not believe me that when they left us alone she turned into demon child or something. She was uncontrollable when they were not around and an angel in front of them. This lasted several months until she finally started her period, which she ended up coming to me first about. She was very much more normal and loving after that moment. So my story is that partly could be hormones yes. Teens have attitudes it is part of growing up and just adjust and keep teaching them that right way to get through life and relationships with people too. It all passes then they are grown up! Hang in there and try to have fun with her too.
Sometimes I go into my teen son's room and hang out with him for a while and play a game and talk....when I am in 'his' world he loosens up more.