Anyone Else Not like to Be Affectionate?

I was not abused as a child, but I also always stiffen up when someone hugs me - not my husband or kids though, I love to hug them.
where I am from (UK) we don't hug everyone like they do here in texas, I had to get used to it and force myself so people don't think I am wierd lol!
I also don't like to kiss people very much, unless it's hubby

So I don't think you are wierd - everyone is different

Just jump in and start. Practice on your kids (they're the easiest to be affectionate with), let them lead the way. Once your more comfortable with it, try a little on your husband. Running your fingers through his hair can be a way to show affection that is soothing for you too.

It sounds more like you don't like being the recipient of touch. Maybe if you make yourself the instigator of touch, you will be more comfortable with it since it's in your control.

Good luck.

Yes, you just described me to a degree. I can't stand it when my mother or husband kisses my cheek and have a hard time when my husband or kids touch my face. Backrubs or playing with my hair is okay. I love to give my kids hugs and love to cuddle with them, but not with anyone else.

I would start small. Learn to do the little things like hold hands. I love to give my kids little hand massages or rub their back. I lay a pillow in my lap and they lay their had on the pillow and I play with their hair when we watch movies together. I softly masage their litle fingers or feet and they love it, and it helps them calm down or go to sleep at night.

Just because you don't like being touched, you can still work around that by keeping your personal space to you, but showing affection and closeness to others.

I know some woman who were abused or attacked or assaulted have a lot of issues like this. If that is the case, you probably need to work on this with your counselor.

Sounds like me except when it comes to my kids. I am probably over affectionate with them. It bothers me and my husband. We have come to deal with it and like you said we are intimate and have a great sex life. I just don't like the other stuff. Definitely start with the kids. They matter the most not to mention they will LOVE it! No judging and they won't think it's weird. When I actually do try to show my husband a little more affection he gives me a weird look and almost backs away. The reaction I get embaresses me and I tell myself I won't try that again. So I told him that and now he just acts like its nothing even though it really thrills him just so he doesn't make me uncomfortable or stop doing it. It's a burden and a flaw. I know what you are going through. My dad is the same way so my mom is starved not only from him but me. It really bothers her that I cringe when she hugs me. To tell you the truth it bothers me too because I love her soooo much.

I have the same problem. My mom and dad were always the most affectionate people in the world, to each other. My mother was never the touchy feeley type. My dad we'd give a kiss good night. Mom we would but it still seemed forced. Hell I've always felt like she didn't want all of us, my father did.

Well I'm like my mother. Affection is painfully well painful. It has caused alot of problems between me and my husband. He doesn't understand this because he not this way. He'd be all over me every single second if I let him. Well I try to let him. But I know it's forced.

Then three kids have came along. You know it is super hard but I try and think about it constantly. I don't always do the best I'll be honest. My son will climb up next to me in the rocking chair and I try so hard and be ok with it but then he starts being like his father and rubbing my arm, he's just affectionate like that, and he'll kiss me on the cheek. It's so sweet and he's 8 years old so I know this won't last. It's easier with my daughter for some reason.

But anyways I have a therapist and she always just says go and do it constantly. Make an effort to think about it and go and do it. Basically till I get use to it. Well I've been trying that for about 5 years and I still feel forced and I've gotten a bit better. But just a bit. I'm still trying and that is all I can really do. That is all you can really do. I still think I'm horrid at it but I've improved. I never think I'll be "normal" but what is that anyways.

So basically I'm just raising my hand. I guess just try and go do it like I've been told. Supposedly it gets more natural over time. Maybe it does. I do think I have improved.

This is a tough one. My husband is the exact same way, and I have just learned to accept that is who he is and remind myself that he loves me in other ways. Did something happen as a child that caused you to retreat in this way? Obviously you don't have to answer that here. The reason I pose this question is because if there is an identifiable "cause", you are one step closer to "healing." I say try another therapist. Try 10. I know friends who have gone through 8 or 9 therapists before they finally get it right. Think about that...you are telling your most personal thoughts to a stranger. If you have only tried 1 or 2 therapists, maybe they just didn't "do it" for you. Do not give up.

Also, maybe try relaxing and cuddling with your little ones, one on one. Try having a glass of wine some night and laying with your hubby. Tell him you want to just relax and let you lead, and explain why you are doing this. Try to just hold each other. Don't put pressure on yourself. Start slow and lead into more if you can. If you can't stand it and it brings anxiety, try again another day. You know you love your family, and they know it too.

-Best wishes to you.

I guess I have a similar situation. I was raised in a hands-off way but my husband is very physical in his affection. I remember being sort of weirded out upon meeting his extended family and watching EVRYONE kiss on the lips. I find hugging to be outside the norm and so making out with your aunt just felt hinky!

However, I very quickly came to love my affectionate husband and met him in the middle. Meaning, I became more comfortable with hugging good bye instead of just saying good bye. = ) And then when my kids came along...It just came naturally. We are super cuddly in my family and find that both my boys have grown up to be very socially adept kids and I sometimes wonder if it is because they learned to connect with people.

But...! As the demands on me have grow with time. I have found myself sometimes reverting back to my less physically affectionate former self. I think it is because I feel like so much is taken out of me each day -- emotionally, physically, and mentally...That I sometimes just cannot give any more...Not one more hug is left in me by the end of the day. My husband occasionally notices, then I feel guilty and then I vow to do better the next day. But it doesn't come naturally.

I HATE to hug!!! When and how did it become the thing to do to hug and kiss everyone when you see them!! I suffer anxiety just going into a situation that I know I will be hugged. It is so totally awkward for me. When my kids were little I would hurry up and hold one of them so I could get out of hugging. They're too big for that now unfortunatley. The only people I have no trouble with affection are my husband and children.

I'm the same way...I've never been comfortable w/ people getting close to me, putting their arm around me, or touching me in any way. I grew up in a non-affectionate family so I believe this has something to do w/ it, we to this day don't hug much...that's just how we are. My husband's mother is the exact opposite, she hugs anyone and everyone, and has even been known to put her arm around complete strangers that she strikes up conversations with in the middle of a check-out line in a store! I cringe when she goes in for the hug w/ me, I just don't like it! I have to add that I have no history of being abused, it's just the way I am. With my husband and kids I'm different though, I will hug them and hold hands and have no problems with that. Just wanted to assure you that you're not alone. If it's bothering you then you're doing the right thing by getting counseling and hope it starts to help some...hope you soften to showing affection one day. Good luck!

I grew up in a household in which it was just not the norm to be physically affectionate. Then I married my husband. When I met my youngest brother in law, who would have been like 16 at the time, he gave me a huge, full body hug--the kind I thought was reserved for intimate relationships. The more I've gotten to know my inlaws, the more I know this is just the way they are. They are definitely not perfect, and sometimes they drive me downright batty, but I made a conscious decision that I'd rather my kids grew up like THAT than like I did--with plenty of hugs and kisses and affection. I am still not comfortable hugging other people, and I'm particularly not comfortable BEING hugged...but after teaching high school and being involved with church groups and raising my own kids, I can see how much a little physical touch can help people--kids especially. I hug and kiss my kids a bunch now, and the other kids I know through teaching or church I don't hug so much, but I do put my hand on their shoulder if they need support. For me, reframing it and realizing I wanted more for my kids was enough to make a conscious change. I haven't been abused, so that may have been much easier for me than for you, but I thought I'd share regardless.

I'm also not a very touchy feely person. With DH and my son its totally different for me, but with relatives or friends its a hands off policy. My MIL still doesn't get this and I've kind of had to learn to deal with it. I have spoken to her and gotten a reduced sentence, but it continues. My lack of touchy feely in my life isn't due to any incident, its just who I am. It took my husband some time to come to learn that at first (it took me a while to even be comfortable with constant contact with him) that it wasn't him, it was 100% me. I think my issues might actually have more to do with sensory than anything else.

Do know like others said that you're still an amazing person. The love you give your children, family and friends is still genuine and special. You've heard the phrase "kids say the darndest things?" They do. They ask about anything they don't understand without hesitation. I'm not sure how to handle their question, but I think its possible that its not something that really upsets them, its just something they don't understand. I also agree with what others have said. Start small and work your way up. Try to expand your comfort zone, but do it slowly and with people you're genuinely comfortable with.

Maybe try a little at a time. Either a hug in the mornings, or holding hands when you are out. Once you are comfortable with that, add something else. I think it is one thing to not need that touch, but the fact that you tense up with it, makes me think that something more is involved. Do you know why you don't like to touch? I would talk to your medical doctor about it.

i can relate to your story-as being a victim myself...if someone comes up behind me an touches me-im like a cat hangin from the ceiling-im not a huggy huggy person either-but with my kids i made myself overcome it...some things are just mind over matter-put it in your head that your kids cant hurt you...we live a kinda isolated lonely world dont we??..a hug feels great once in a while-but its getting past the fear thats pure hell.so to try to help overcome this-i hug my pets.my kids are about the only ppl i hug...and their grown..make yourself push thru this not only for your kids sake-but yours as well.they need to feel your hugs,hand holding etc.otherwise they will grow up thinking theres something wrong with them that mommy wont touch them...good luck

As with changing anything, just take it one step at a time. :) Set up a goal chart/reward system for yourself for incorporating one new thing each week that you have to do every day that involves affection. Like the first week, you have to hold your kids hands once that day. The second week, continue the hold hands goal, then add that you have to put your arm around them while reading them a story every day, etc....you choose your daily "affection" goal...just focus on it one day at a time, and you will notice yourself being more naturally affectionate after continuing to work on it--your kids and your husband will notice too (and you can associate your affection with something pleasant--whatever you choose to reward yourself with).

It's wonderful that you are thinking about this -- you are clearly a terrific, thoughtful mother. I hope that you will figure out more ways to be affectionate with your children, because I think it's important for their health and happiness. Being touched lovingly stimulates hormones that make one feel calmer and happier.

Perhaps you could experiment with ways to touch that don't make you feel uncomfortable? Squeezing into a big chair with a child? Sitting so close on the couch that your arms are touching? Backrubs or footrubs, like someone else mentioned? Maybe you can start holding hands?

When a mother holds her child's hand, it's like she's saying "I love you" every time.

My family was and is really affectionate. My husband's wasn't. It has taken him a while to be affectionate enough with me, but it was never an issue for him being affectionate with our children. He has always hugged and kissed and snuggled them, and now our boys are 10 and 13 and they are still very huggy. Those little hugs and kisses say "I love you" and make us all feel warm and close and happy.

I am sure it is rooted from your past abusive experience. And perhaps counseling didn't work back then but maybe it would now. Thankfully your past experience didn't paralize you to the point you couldn't have an intimate relationship and have a family life. Which means you already broke through some walls and need to continue. You trust your hubs and your kids so like everyone else said start with them. When they go to sleep add a hug to the kiss on the cheek. When you are sitting watching TV with hubs just hold his hand. But never feel like you have to hug people to be social. My son hugs only who he likes and that is pretty much family only and not all family. You don't have to like being hugged by outside people, but just know when they are hugging you it is their way of showing their affection for you and you are loved. Baby steps.

My daughter is like this and has been from birth. She has never been abused. From the day she was born, she did not like to be snuggled or even held. It made her irritable. And now, at age 20, she will be the first person to tell you, she hates that she is that way. She cringes when people hug her, and sometimes even when she is touched. It is hard for her because the rest of the family is very affectionate with one another. We've finally come to the conclusion that it's a weird case of nature over nurture. Her dad is not like that, but virtually everyone in his family is. My daughter is terrified that she will not be able to be affectionate with her future husband and children.

I wish I had answers for you, but I hope it helps to know you are not alone.

I totally hear you on this, S.. I am the same way and have received complaints from my husband, other family members and my daughter. I was also abused at one point in my life. I am working on this issue because I do want to become more affectionate. So far, I have just put forth extra effort to show more affection. All I can offer you is my support and understanding, and I hope to receive advice from other responses to your question.

Hi S.,

You are so awesome for sharing this. I'm a huggy person, my daughter is, and her mom is not. Same background too, interesting. My 10 yo little girl always reaches out for my touch: In car rides it's her foot, walking anywhere it's her hand.

Know that you are an amazing person, you have an abundance of your unique love to share with others, and that you are an absolute piece of us. We need you, all of you. Start with what you are comfortable with and see where it can go. You will receive bunches of love energy back with every touch and hug. Promise! Just do it. ;-)

I was interested reviewing the responses you received. In my opinion you are getting good advice.

I grew up with a mother who, like you, was not outwardly affectionate. Due to the way she was raised she did not give hugs, etc. My father was very affectionate. I will tell you that it was difficult for me as a child. I struggled until adulthood wondering if there was something wrong with me that made my mom was not able to show me love. Children internalize everything and think it is because of them.

My mom and I have a fabulous relationship today, but it took us a long time to get there.

Please, please, make an effort with your children. Maybe with practice it will become more comfortable for you. In the meantime, fake it if you have to.

Hi S.
I wish I still had the link-- but go to youtube and look up
hugs for free
watching the powerful effect of even stranger intimacy on just a basic level- may open your mind to see it gets easier once you're out of your comfort zone.
Stay with it- the biggest hurdle is the desire.
And- a HUG from me to get you started

About me - 49 yo perfusionist, wellness coach also doing a nationwide online wt challenge for $, mom with 9 yo twin girls

B. J

I've always heard fake it till it's real. Even if it makes you uncomfortable take your kid's hand and pretend to be happy and excited about it. Give your kids hugs and kisses (and hubby too) Eventually it becomes something you want to do and are happy to do and one day you will realize you're not faking anymore. I know it isn't as easy as it sounds, but as an adult sometimes we have to do things that are uncomfortable.

You sound just like my mom. You're not an Aquarius by any chance are you? : )

Instead of me getting affection from my mom, I got it from my grandma and my dad and stepdad. But I will tell you one thing... My mom was never abused and she's like that. I will also tell you that I never really wanted to talk to my mom about issues in my life because I never felt the sympathy from her that I needed. If I had a bf dump me, I talked to my stepdad about it. My ex-hubby is my mother w/manhood. I couldn't deal with him either. My hubby now... Is more like my dad.

I'm personally not into pda or holding hands... But affection in our own home is different. I will cuddle with my hubby for a little while. With my kids though... I am always showing affection anytime I get the chance.

I don't know really how to help you be more affectionate with hugs and whatnot with your kids... Some people are just the way they are.

The best advice I have, which is the same advice I gave my sister, is Just do it. My ex husband wasn't overly affectionate either when we met- no hand holding or anything- but I was. Once he "got the hang of it" it became second nature to him. Yes it took time- a year or two. or three :) But it came to him, and he was the one reaching out for my hand in the end. Eventually it will become natural to you

I am not an affectionate person, except when it comes to my son. I dread saying hellos and goodbyes to friends/family that hug and even worse kiss!! My moms side of the family kiss mostly on the cheek, but some of them kiss on the mouth and even though it makes me extremely uncomfortable, I don't want to be rude or disrespectful. Having my son around makes it easier in these situations, like someone else wrote on here, I will grab my son when it is time to say goodbye so I can avoid hugging/kissing.

I know the reason I am like this is because of how I was raised. Even though my mom came from a very affectionate family, my dad did not, so neither of my parents were that way with me. My parents don't even tell me they love me, even though I KNOW they do and I have a really great, close relationship with my mom. I don't mind being affectionate with my husband, but I am rarely the one who initiates it. Like I said, I am only really affectionate with my son, and I want to make sure that I am always that way and always tell him that I love him, because I never had that and I think deep down that is something I've always needed/wanted.

Before getting to that line in the story, I thought you might haver been abused, which of course I am sorry about...to keep working with a therapist on this issue is definitely the key to success for you, but I also would like to encourage you to make a habit of those little things that come unnatural to you right now...could you have your children lay down next to you in bed and read them a story at night? That calls for affection because by being so close a hug or a kiss is easy to give and get, just to say "I love you" without words...I snuggle so much with my son at bedtime, it fills my heart of joy everyday. It got to the point where my son, during the day, comes up to me and steals a kiss, then runs away back to his playtime...he is used to affection at any time now because I made it a regular way to communicate with him, to let him know that he is important to me. So I guess my advice is to establish some kind of "ritual" such as a big hug everytime your children step in the door, or you pick them up at school, or some snuggling at bed time, even some physical playtime on the bed (gentle "fighting" or tickling for example), or kisses at any time in the day "just because". Try it, perhaps making it an habit could be helpful and make you feel more comfortable..

Have you tried occupational therapy? Even though you suspect a root cause in trauma, this still sounds like it has some sensory component to it.

In the meantime, can you think of something that you would find ok to do with your kids? Like the holding hands? That's an easy one because you can link it with another action: when we cross a street I will hold their hands. It's temporary, it's a short time, but it will help them feel better.

I want to start by saying that you are a great mom : ) I grew up with my family not being affectionate. To this day we don't really hug. When we do it's like - let's hurry up and get this over with and it's the fake pat on the back. I am not overly affectionate with people that aren't my kids or husband. My husband caught on that I wasn't affectionate when were dating. That caused problems so I had to learn to give him that sort of attention. They say it doesn't bother them but deep down it really does. Be careful for outside affection from other women. Not cheating or anything like that. But you don't want to leave the door open. I learned real quick that I better pay attention to my husband with little signs of affection or someone else will. Anyway, start out with your family and leave it at that. If you don't want to hug friends or people you greet on the street then don't. But I would make an conscious effort and start with your kids. Your daughter brought it up because it affects her and she wants that kind of attention from her mom. Surprise her one day and grab her hand as you cross the street. At first it may seem like a stretch for you but in time it will become natural. Especially when you see how happy it makes your kids : )