May 09, 2013,
A.S. asks from Lansing, MI on July 10, 2009
Anyone Else Have a Husband That Stays up Really Late?
First of all I want to say that I have a great husband and never complain about him. But lately I've just been so very frustrated.
I go to bed every night by 10 p.m. but he comes to bed sometime after midnight (EVERY SINGLE NIGHT). We've been married for 8 1/2 years and at first he would come to bed with me every night. After a couple of years he began staying up late to play video games, watch t.v., play his guitar, etc. He gets about 5 - 6 hours of sleep / night and I swear it wears on him physically because he eventually ends up with these migraines and goes home early from work to sleep (happens at least once per month). Or he'll be tired from lack of sleep so he ends up sleeping an evening away while I get to take care of the house and kids (mind you I work full-time too!). Now my son, who is 3 years old is staying up late with Daddy!
I'm just very frustrated with this. My husband knows I'm frustrated and I've voiced this to him over and over again. His own Dad has talked to him about it (he blames himself for doing the same thing to his wife and says he realizes now that it was the wrong thing to do and a bad example), and I've even brought it up in counseling when we saw a counselor for a short period. Plus, I think it's a bad example to our kids that he's up at night while Mom goes to bed.
Does anyone else's husband do this? What do you think? I'm not suspicious of anything bad going on during this time; it's probably just his way of "getting away" and having some time to himself. I could also just be more upset than usual because I'm pregnant and hormonal too! LOL
Just looking for some support from you Mom's out there I guess!
A.G. answers from Detroit on July 11, 2009
My husband goes to bed after me too. I think he just needs time to himself. He likes to watch the TV shows he has recorded that I don't watch. He is also very tired all the time and suffers insomnia. It is his choice to deprive himself of sleep and he has to deal with the consequences. However, if he spent all evening snoozing while I took care of the kids myself then that would be a huge problem. I think you should let him do what he wants to do to himself, but when it comes to contributing to caring for the children, he needs to be awake and present.
D.D. answers from Detroit on July 11, 2009
A., they just never grow up do they??
My husband is the same and I usually have to get him up in the morning (after geting myself up and showered then getting our daughter up and dressed). The poor guys have so many responsibilities they need some "alone time" - unlike us women who have the common sense to know that we cannot operate without sleep and don't have the luxury of being sick!!
I don't have any answers for you - it's 8am, my husband is in bed, my daughter is awake, I have done some housework (not because it needed to be done, just because that's what I like to do when I am awake - sorry, sarcasm) and my daughter and I have had breakfast. When he does get up he will get himself something unbreakfastlike to eat and will leave the dirty dishes then he will go and do some yardwork or clean out the garage (our garage should be so clean after all the work he does in there!!!) and I will get to entertain our three year old while trying to do everything else!!
It is rather frustrating when they get their alone time in the evening then again in the morning.
But... warts n all, we love em and they aren't so bad but they do need reminding and retraining cause their brains don't operate the same way as ours, bless 'em, which is why they were always sent off to work within a structured environment while we stayed home and took care of everything else. (now we get to do both)
Hang in there and keep smiling.
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A.W. answers from Grand Rapids on July 11, 2009
At our house, I'm the one who stays up every night. I stay up because I am taking online classes and I can be most productive when the kids are in bed, but I would stay up later than my husband even before I enrolled in classes. It was definitely to enjoy some "me time" and have some peace and quiet. Perhaps it's causing problems for you because A) it's affecting his productivity during the day, and B) You feel YOU don't get any time to yourself, yet he gets it every night. You have every reason to be irritated by these things. Maybe you can ask him to come to bed a little earlier than he has been, mentioning to him that you think it's affecting him during the day and perhaps causing the migraines. And maybe you two can come up with a way for YOU to have some time to yourself. With three kids going on four, I am sure you've got your work cut out for you there, and you deserve a break - even if it's just an hour a day.
I doubt he's "up to anything" - he just can't resist that quiet time to do whatever he wants. It's difficult for me to go to bed because I enjoy the quiet so much!
Anyway, hope you can find a happy medium so that you can both be happy and well rested.
C.S. answers from Kalamazoo on July 15, 2009
I was told by a physician that I worked with that everyone has a sleep pattern and they are not all the same. And yes I believe it is inherited. As a child I would lay in bed from 8pm until 1 or 2 am. Yes I was tired the next day. But try as I might, I could not change. And yes, I drove my mother crazy because of it. She didn't know what to do. I also have 4 brothers and sisters with the same problem and 1 sister without.
Some times I do go to sleep at a "regular" time, but not often. My ex use to nag at me all the time because I wasn't tired when he was. The anxiety was terrible. My 18 yr old son is the same. Some times he will stay up through the next day. I find that I am really tired from about 4pm until 9pm. Then no matter how tired I was at 7pm, I am wide awake at 9pm.
The doctor I told you about relayed a numerous story about him and his wife who was the same as your husband. It drove him crazy until he realized that her natural sleep pattern was different than his. They made a truce. She wouldn't vacuum the house after 10pm and she would go to bed when she was tired.
If you keep nagging him, he will only feel worse and it will cause anxiety. If you let it go, he will work it out and maybe once in a while he will go to bed when you do.
A.H. answers from Detroit on July 10, 2009
Lack of sleep does attribute to a lower immune system, as well as migraine and headaches. However, with a young child in the home, I also stay up late - as the mom - to read, watch t.v. or play on the computer where I am free to have my own uninterrupted thoughts and play time.
Perhaps if you try not to make too big a deal out of it - he will not do it as often (not sure how often you push the issue -so no offense.). But make sure you have your time together as well as a family, but as husband/ wife by sending the little one off for a bit with other family members.
K.G. answers from Detroit on July 13, 2009
I know that it is probably annoying but he is an adult and can take care of himself...that also means not making your life harder even if he is tired.
As far as your son staying up with Daddy...he is not old enough to make that choice for himself. He needs to go to bed earlier.
Congratulations on baby #4!!
L.H. answers from Detroit on July 15, 2009
Guys cope differently to stress than women. If that's his time, let it be his time. I do find it difficult to swallow that your 3yo is up with him, though; I would put the breaks on that immediately. Little children need sleep to grow and keep their systems working properly.
L.W. answers from Detroit on July 11, 2009
I am the one in my house who goes to bed every night late. My husband turns in at 10/11 and i go to bed at 11/12/1...just depends on how tired I am. It is my only time to mentally "take a break" and I cherish it! Yes I am tired in the morning when the baby wakes me up at 7/8...but I mentally NEED my nights to stay sane. I don't think it's a big deal at all that a husband/wife turn in at different times (?). As long as everything else is good in the marriage (health, communication, "etc."), I don't see the harm.
Maybe what would help your situation at this pregnant/hormonal time...as you put it :) is for your husband to come up to bed with you once in a while to spend some time with you/kiss you goodnight before he heads back to watch tv. May sound corny, but maybe the well-deserved attention would make you feel better (pregnant mommies desrve some TLC).
S.G. answers from Cincinnati on May 09, 2013
My husband and I play video games together, we have a daughter and only play when she is in bed (of course). However, my husband stays up way later than I do. The latest I stay up is 1 am and that's rare. I tried many times to talk to him about it but he gets mad and says "Fine, I'll go to bed at 8 pm." And exaggerates the situation! I let him sleep until almost 3 pm on most days, now because I just don't want to deal with it. He can't say anything about time to his self because he takes 30 minute smoke breaks (and I know it only takes him 5 minutes) every 30 minutes. Not to mention he doesn't not help around the house AT ALL. I'm near my breaking point and thinking about going to live with my mom.