Anyone Else a SAHM and Their Husband Works @ Home?

My husband worked from home for the first two years after our first son was born and it almost ruined our marriage. He is still self-employed and has very flexible hours, but it finally reached a point where we both knew that he had to get an office outside of the home. The biggest problem was that we were both in one another's business - me involved with his clients and he involved with discipline, etc. here at home. The best thing we did during that time was find/build a place where he could go and close the door (an office). He agreed not to come out except to go the bathroom or for lunch until dinner (in our case he was able to come and go through the back door without the kids seeing him). We invested in walkie-talkies so we could communicate without using up cell minutes and without the kids knowing that he was actually in the house. Trust me, if you don't implement something now, it will get out of hand and your whole family will suffer! In addition, we both had to make a very concentrated effort to stay out of eachother's business (if he heard our son throwing a temper tantrum, he didn't come out to see if I was okay handling it & if the phone rang we checked the caller ID - he asnwered if it was business or let the machine get it and I answered otherwise). Finally, we have implented a family pick up time. Several times a week, after dinner and before bed, we set the timer for 15 minutes and everyone, including dad, go through the house and pick up and put away whatever we can in that 15 minutes. It doesn't get it perfect, but it really goes a long way toward getting rid of the clutter and making the house feel like you can breathe in it! Hang in there - working from home has its advantages, but it takes time to figure out a system that works for your family!

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Oh Dear! R., I know how you feel.

I am a SAHM of three girls (3, 2 and 6 months!). My husband has been working out of our home for almost a year now. It is both a blessing and a curse. I also thrive on schedules so here's how I handle it. I do not offer him any assistance in his work schedule. If he gets up and starts working, great. If he doesn't that's his problem. I don't try (anymore) to keep the kids quiet for him. I go about my day exactly as I see fit. Now, his 'office' is actually in our 'closet', so he can isolate himself if he needs to (It's a big closet, don't worry!). The kids and I go do our own things throughout the day and dinner is on the table between 5 and 6 whether or not he's done with his day. Then we begin the bedtime routine. Luckily, he doesn't want to miss out on much time with the girls, so this has prompted him to make sure he's done with his day at least by bedtime. (In sales, that may not be possible) I can't rely on him being home for me to be able to go to the store while the kids nap or anything. I have to just pretend he's not there and wait for them to wake up and bring them with me. If I absolutely need him to (like when I was pregnant with my third and had dr. appts), I do ask if he can please make himself available for an hour or so...but that rarely happens. (I don't know if any of this helps you!)

As far as picking up after him. I wish I could tell you how many women I've talked to, (whose husbands work from home) who's #1 complaint is having to clean up the lunch time dishes that are just left like at a restaraunt...etc. Maybe there's comfort in at least knowing you're not alone. For me, it's been a very long...slow...tedious process (his mom helped him alot too!), but we're finally at a point where he will bring his own dishes to the kitchen! It's a start but I figure in about 10 years, I'll have him loading the dishwasher! hahaha. The best advice I can give you is to praise the very smallest of efforts (and try not to throw up while you're doing it, cause believe me, it's nauseating how dumb you feel!). If he opens the mail, for instance, and just leaves all the empty envelopes all over...if you see him even try to put them into a pile for you...thank him up and down and let him know that it has helped you so much. Also, let him overhear you tell a friend on the phone about how much more helpful he's being now. It sounds dumb, but I'm a firm believer that it works! That said, my grandmother once said at her 25th anniversary party, "If only I could teach him to pick up his socks". I guess some things may never change!

Good luck and congratulations on the new little one!

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Okay here is what I did. When my husband lost his job and he was in and out the house going to interviews and what not it was driving me nuts too. His mother also picked up after him of course that wasn't often because there house was a mess most of the time. I sat down one night with my husband and created a schedule. I showed him that I would be doing this at a certain time and that I would need him to either make his own lunch, clean up whatever I need him to clean etc. I explained to him that I was tired of arguing about the house and the disarray it was in. I also told him that I am one person and I was taking care of 4 kids at the time, my nieces and nephews, and that I had to have them on a schedule or I was going to lose it. So after a long discussion and the schedule things got a little better. It took him awhile to pick up after himself and a little bit of reminding from me but I think he is starting to get it. I do walk past him every once and awhile and say "Okay I don't want to nag but could you please make sure you pick up, whatever it is that he needs to pick up."

It took me awhile to realize arguing is not the solution to this problem. They are so use to there mothers doing everything for them but now that they are on there own they need to figure out how to do it.

Just a little side note. I have been married for 6 years and last week while I was at school I was surprised to come home and find that my husband had cooked dinner for us. He has never cooked a meal in the 6 years we have been married. This is how well it worked for me.

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I have a husband EXACTLY like yours (in the not picking up, making bigger messes than the kids area) and I totally agree with you. It's frustrating, annoying, and stressful but still easier to pick it up and clean it up than to moan and groan about it every day.

As for his work at home, is there any space in your house or a spare room in your house that your husband can use when he "goes to work"? Perhaps you could even invest in one of the nice Morgan buildings or shed type structures to make him an office in. This would give him his own space and keep him out of yours.

My only other advice would be to include him in the schedule, as soon as my husband hears "it's time to ______ now, go ask Dad for some help" he high tails it out of the room and becomes too busy to play real quick! Ha Ha Anything to keep him out of your hair!

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I am at home and we own a business from home. If this had happened at any point before 4 years ago I would have been like you. I actually enjoy having him around. I home school my daughter so we have to have a set schedule and he respects that while I respect his schedule too. The only thing I can advise is to accept him as he is right now. People grow and change and he might start to help out, but even if he does not it is not in your best interest or your families to let it be a bitterness for you. When I get to thinking of all the negative things about my husband I get very angry and depressed and it does me no good. I have found that if I look and think of his strengths and why I love him I can handle the irritating things he does. After all I do many things that are his pet peeve too and he still loves me and does not let them be a source of bitterness for him. Also if you know Jesus pray and ask Him to help you be the woman He wants you to be.

A little about me
Home school mom of 10 year old girl, have 18 year old son who does not live at home.

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I am not a SAHM but my husband works at home, and like in your situation, he was raised having his mother do things for him. For 9 years that has been a struggle for me as well, but I have noticed some improvement. The nagging didn't work (it made things uncomfortable between us), but I resorted to "positive reinforcement" hahaha. He likes it, and sometimes he even asks for his reward. His rewards include just acknowledgement, a treat, or even you know what. I rarely cease to tell him how important it is to me to have his clothes off the floor, put his own dishes in the sink or the dishwasher, or be courteous about leaving stuff out for me to put back, or balance things in the trash can for me to struggle trying to tie the bag. The attitude is the key for my mental sanity, and when I keep in mind that I should be thankful to the Lord for my precious husband, picking up after him becomes less of a burden. Oh - another thing, he has his own office space that I do not touch, it is horrible, but the rule is, I do not move a thing.

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Hello R.,
I believe I can relate to your situation. I love structure, order and schedules. Been married for 23 years now and had to learn how to just let some things go (that's making adjustments) because I found myself missing out in enjoying my family. There are areas in our home that are strictly classified as his domain, such as a junk drawer or two (or three or four), the garage indeed, his office, his truck but it certainly didn't start off that way. I once read a lady's story about "Living With A Messy," which caused to me appreciate my precious honey the more (especially his messiness). This lady being a praying woman (as well as myself), woke up one morning with the thought that for every sock, shoe, paper trail, magazine, shirt, water bottle, paper napkin, dirty dish, clutter and remnant left on the floor and all over the house by her husband, is a reminder and sign that he is still home with his family and not some unknown place. For in many homes there are absent fathers and husbands.
I've learned that there are flaws of my husband that may never change, and there are some that take time (even years darling) to change, but guess what? That applies to me (and you) too. For the harmony of the marriage and family, there has to be adjustments. I just bet your precious husband has wonderful qualities other than being a Messy. That's a character trait he inherited from his upbringing (environment) you had no control over. But what character traits does he possess that made you say "yes" to making him your life partner? Were you attracted to his knack for cleaning or how special he made you feel? With young children, do you two spend anytime together? Have you considered making it a family time to clean the house together? Not all day, that's tiresome, but like around bedtime for the kids? I commend you for wanting to create a peaceful, structured atmosphere in your home. It takes a lot of work and effort, but in every family there are seasons of change. You just happen to be in a season in which your husband can be close to you and your children. That's a precious season for you. I hope that helps.
I also encourage you to check out messies.com (Messie Anonymous) which is a site devoted to anyone who lives with a Messy.

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My husband had a SAHM who always did everything for him, so when we moved in together I was slapped in the face by his inability to pick up after himself. I did the same as you but he seemed oblivious to the messes he left. So, eventually I held out on him. We luckily had a guest room, so I exiled him until he was too overcome and he decided to compromise. Then I babysat him for a week, showing him all his messes he needed to clean up before he joined me in the bedroom. Hope this helps!

R.,
Does he have an office space? A room to call his own? Dump all his stuff in there and close the door. I am wondering, what was his office space like at his old job?

I work at home, too. I struggle with the balance sometimes. He needs to set office hours and STICK to them. Most prospective clients understand how life works. He needs to be flexible enough to meet their needs but his family comes first. Office hours would help destress you and make him more productive in the office. That way, it is a win win situation. The happier you are, the more he will get done. It is all in our perspective. We work at home to have freedom. We are paid on our production and not on our hours. I wish you both well.

Gee, R. how about telling him like it is....you have a child, another on the way and you need another supportive adult not an older child. Does he have an office in your home? If so let that be the area that he can do whatever in and leave it there ...otherwise...he is not the only person living in the rest of the house. He needs to grow up OR you need to accept him as he is.......L.

O.k. You didn't spoil this man. His mama did. So I suggest you take yourself out of the equation. Hire a maid to come in make him pay for it and I bet he will count the cost of his mess pretty quickly. You have your plate full and you need to co - labor with him for your family needs to be met - explain to him that it is marriage maintenence- you get help with the mundane tasks of cleaning and he has a refreshed wife after you put your children to bed at night. The trick is you need to create an energy reserve to devote time to nurture your relationship at night - I don't know you but the man ypou are describing sounds a bit jealous of all the attention you give your children - he wants you to be his sugar mama too. So a part of him is acting out to get the reaction -

Bless your home! R

For the most part, we ignore him. lol My son and I have our schedule and unless we've discussed it ahead of time, my husband isn't involved. Does your husband have a separate room/office in the house? That has helped a lot in that he goes to 'his room' during the day and we see him here and there.

We also have an online calendar set up on Google. I have one for the family (classes, doctor's appts, outings, etc.) and he has one for work. With Google you can share calendars and then color code the different ones. This way I can see what I have going on and then add his calendar and see if there is a conflict. It works well for us.

As far as the house, I've been there. What finally worked was to sit down with him and really explain what it means to me to run the house a certain way. All the nagging, the asking nicely, the screaming and crying didn't work because he was hearing me tell him to do something specific -- like pick up clothes! After he would pick them up that one time, he figured he was done -- silly man! So really explaining how I NEEDED to have the house run a certain way in order for me to function emotionally, he got it. Now don't get me wrong, there are still some things that he doesn't do to my standards but you have to have some compromises.

Good luck and I hope you guys find your groove soon!

My husband was out of work for about a year. He did remodeling to bring in some money, but for the most part if he wasn't working he was at home. It was very odd hours and I'm just like you. I have a schedule to keep, with 4 girls depending on that. Keep to your schedule. I let my husband know that no matter what he had to do, my schedule would stay the same. If he gave me advance notice, my schedule could change, but otherwise it did not. Also, do not pick up after him. I did the same for a while, but an adult has to take at least as much resposibility for himself as you would expect froma child, which is not much. Even my 3 and 5 yr olds know they can not leave their clothes on the floor, or leave dishes in their room. Expect the same and more from your husband. If his clothes are on the floor, leave them there. If he eats, he needs to pick up his plate when he's finished. When you have more kids, it will be much harder to do all the things you need to get done without doing stuff for him all the time, too. Also, it makes it easier on him later, with more kids, if he's used to picking up after himself. Stick to your schedule. This will also help your kids learn responsibility and be considerate of other people's time. Hope this helps.

I know exactly how you feel! Mostly about the messing up your schedule part. I have told my hubby to stay away til he's home for the evening bc of our schedule. I stay at home too and my hubby--self employed attorney--eats lunch away from home and if he ever swings by to say hi on his way back to work after lunch, it disrupts our whole day. My advise to you in your situation would be to sit down and talk to him. He has to know you well enough to know how set you are about organization and structure. Just explain that for your day to run smoothly, you have a few expectations. ANd let him know what he can do to help you with that. Reassure him how much you love him being with you and your daughter, but you need some structure. Good Luck with this! I know it can't be easy!!

Maybe you need to sit down and have a talk with him. First thing when you do this tell him that you do realize that he was this way before you married him, and that you still love him, but we need to make some changes. This needs to be something that you are both do some giving and taking. He needs to know in a calm manner exactly how much this is affecting both you and your daughter, and for this to work with him working out of a home he is going to have to do his part of keeping some kind of schedule and picking up. Maybe for a compromise on the mess situation you can ask if he could at least keep it mainly to his office space during the day while he is working. Maybe your husband needs the caos to work. My mother is that way and it drove me crazy when I lived with my parents when I was a kid. But now that she is in my home everyday watching my son she knows that in my space I can't have that and she respects that. Your husband needs to know that it is not just about the mess, but also about respecting each other. If you can't respect each other and work together by making changes for each other so that things can work then neither one of you will ever be happy. I have always been told that it is easy to love someone, but a marriage takes work. I have been learning myself how true this is in my 4 years of marriage.

I would see if he is willing to have a frame of a schedule. I realize his appointments will vary day to day and week to week, but he has an idea of what his work week will look like. Have a calander or something that you bot use, have him write down his appoitment times, he schedules them in advance, he doesn't just show up unannounced. that way you at least have a refernce and an idea of what to expect. Don't change your schedule!! My husband works nights so is home during the day, he has scheduled sleep time, so I know when to get the kids out or keep them quiet etc, he also lets me know when he is going to do something in the day, he officially doesn't "get home" ie no schedule, no plans etc until 4:00pm.

And really to be sucessful at sales, you have to have a set work time, you can't just work whenever you feel like it. So I'm assuming he is sucessful and therefor knows when he is going to be working there is no reason for him not to share that information with you.

Go on with your schedule like you always have and indicate to your husband he naturally is included in meals etc. but just go on about your business. Enjoy that you may be able to see more of each other, & try not to be too uptight on everything in it's place at all times or you will drive yourself, and your famiy to stress-vill. Now for HIM ,Yelling never helps, but you may go the route of him being a good example to your children, by picking up after himself,so they can learn from him, or at least keeping all his (stuff) in one room and then just shut the door.

I apologize if any of this is a repeat, I didn't get to read the other posts. Anyway, how old are your kids? The reason I ask is maybe you could make a "Duty Chart" that includes not only kids but mom and dad. Lay out all the duties you have (which may help him to see what exactly you do all day) and set some duties for him (start small, you don't want to overwhelm him). Also, have some patience (I could use that advice also). My husband was in sales and it really takes its toll on them, especially if the job is mostly commission. Men tend to keep things inside while women like to talk about it so most likely he has a lot going on in his mind which makes him lose focus at home. A calm talk might help him to see your frustration - take notes about what you'd like to say so you don't get off track, keep it simple and absolutely no blaming, yelling or name calling (not that you do but that never solves anything). Good luck, things will work out just give it some time and praying when you get frustrated might give you a little peace.

We go through this too... ALL OF IT!!!!
I would try to talk to him about it. Because to him he is doing this to spend time with you and your little one.
Dont be afraid to tell him how you feel.

I am right there with you! I am a SAHM to 2 toddlers so picking up all day is my specialty!!! I also have the hubby who leaves the wet towel on the bed after showers and belts on the kitchen table!!! I think I have a bald spot from pulling my hair out. This is how I look at it. If I have to pick up after the kids what is a little more - Really! I would rather him change the cat litter box and take out the trash (which he does) so it all works out! I have a suggestion about schedule. How about one night at dinner or after the kids go to sleep you put you schedule in a spreadsheet and show it to him. Explain how this keeps you sane in an unsane world and since he will be home off and on during the day to try and fit into it. My hubby needs visuals since I know for sure things I tell him go in one ear adn out the other - so I have spreadsheets for everything I need him to pay attention to!!! I've been married ten years and am still happy. Hey here is mu number ###-###-#### if you want to meet up and vent sometime. I like taking the kids to parks and stuff. I live in Anna so I am a little short on parents to hang with... good luck!!

I know your pain very well. First off, try to relax just a bit about the schedule. If you keep too much of a schedule in your life, your child will never learn to be flexible- and that is a valuable lesson at any age.
I know it is a daily struggle to have your husband home with you 24/7. Try planning trips to the library, the park, etc. and that will be fun for you guys and give you both some time away from each other. As far as the clothes situation, what I did was stack all of his clothes he left on the floor in a pile right next to his side of the bed so he would have to step over it everytime he got in or out of bed. I just left them there- dirty- until he decided to pick them up and wash them (I told him I wouldn't wash them if they were in that pile) and finally he picked them up and washed them and I no longer find clothes all over the house!
Good luck- and on the positive side, it is nice to have a helping hand sometimes and after the adjustment, we both love having Daddy around more.

My husband has worked from home for 16 years. It is an adjustment for both of you. I have stayed home with my children for 17 years. I can completely empathize with your situation. Please read my entire reply as I am on your side.
I would encourage you to read Top Performer by Zig Ziglar. This book was written for business but you are in a home business yourself. The business of running a household. All of these things you manage are completely the same as the managerial duties you face in business. I am an excellent manager and CEO today of a multiple six figure business because of the skills I mastered as a stay-at-home mom.
I do not know you so prepare yourself because I am just going to be honest here. You are not being very supportive of his new job. You are more concerned with your schedule than his desire to be a great provider for his family. I would encourage you to make a list of all the good qualitiies you admire in your husband and focus on those. You should be proud that he is excited and working. Many women do not even have husbands that would allow them to stay at home and raise their children. I have met hundereds of women who cannot even get their spouse to want to work. Find the good in him and focus on all those admirable qualities that inspired you to marry him in the first place.
Secondly, read The Five Love Languages by Gary Smalley. If you can concentrate on him...on what makes him tick it will remove your need to nitpick at his little faults. Are you making him happy? If you find the good in him you will be pleased and happy. But if you keep on this path of dissatisifaction you and him will most certainly continue on a path of frustration.
Have you ever studied any of the various personality traits? I would venture to guess that you both are of different personality types. This does not make one or the other of you bad this makes you different. If you can identify the differences and celebrate in them you will not consider these mole hills the mountains they seem to be at the moment. Okay, so he is messy. Find an alternative. Give him a room in the house to be his office. Then let him make all the mess he wants in "his" space. You can close the door and not have to look at it. It is his space. I can tell you this works as I have lived this. Do I get my pany in a wad ocassionally...yes. Then I realize that I love him beyond his indifference to disaster and choose to focus on what an outstanding provider he is for our family. He will be a much more effective salesmen if you support and enoucage him in his work. And I know you want him to be the best salesmen he can possibly be. Won't it be great when he is top producer for his company and you support helped him to arrive? You betcha!
Please feel free to contact me if you would like to discuss the challenges and benefits to at home working. I would be honored to assist you in any way.

W. M.
www.imagine-believe-achieve.com
888-917-1114