Anybody on a Standstill in Relationship on Whether to Have a 2Nd Child?

D.,

I was in a stalemate with my husband about having a 2nd child for 6.5 years. I wanted my first son but my husband has a very small family and he was never around children so he didn't want children at all. I coaxed him into my oldest son. After that he was adamant that we weren't having anymore children no matter what. I always wanted another one no matter what his feeling were. I let him know that and when my son was 6 years old I began to pray and pray every night that my husband would have a change of heart. I was not going to beg him, I was not going to coax him, I was determined to let him have the same desire as me to have another baby. Again, I just prayed every night for 6 months and one day, out of the blue, he actually came in the kitchen while I was cooking and said he wanted to have another baby. I was so shocked I didn't even know what to say. In fact, I didn't say anything until after my son went to bed that night. Then I told him he didn't need to explain why, I knew that God had answered my prayer and changed his heart. Four weeks to that day, I had a positive pregnancy test. I tell you this because I don't know your faith or religion but just pray about the situation. Ask God to give you wisdom and to change your husband's heart. It may take 6.5 years like it took my husband but I have no regrets. My husband is a good father to both my sons but he is particularly close to our 1 year old. My advice would be to enjoy your son and don't force the issue with your husband. He will eventually come around. It may not be as soon as you want him to but he will. Men think differently than women do. There are reasons that he is not wanting another child right now that he may not want to talk about. It could be any reason. Most of the time men don't want children for selfish reasons. They are content with the one. Your husband is comfortable with having one maybe because he doesn't think it can get any better than it already is. Adding another child can add stress to your relationship, finances, and his freedom. I don't know how long you've been talking with him about a 2nd baby but hang in there, don't force the issue, and be patient. Above all pray that God will change his heart and you will have another baby at just the right time. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I agree with you! We have two kids and they play together so well. They have each other, they love each other. They play all the time together which leaves me time for me. :o) My grandma was an only child and both her parents passed away...she was all alone and says she would have given anything to have a sibling to support her through that. Children learn from their siblings, they learn to share, they learn to love deeply, they learn to care for the other, they learn to do everything sooner, talk, walk, etc they are never alone....not with a babysitter, not with grandparents, etc

Only children tend to be more spoiled. Not b/c the parent intentionally does it but b/c everything is theirs...all toys, all everything. It is cheaper to have only one, but it is not 'that' expensive to have two, just college. :o)

Before I get any nasty responses, there are also many kids who are only children and they turn out great too!

1 mom found this helpful

Take your husband on a date that he would like (or just lay in bed some night or morning -- whenever he's most relaxed) and talk about it reasonably (not with your agenda of 'YES' at the forefront).

Let him give his reasons for not wanting another child, and calmly and lovingly alleviate each of his concerns one at a time. Men take parenting very seriously, and he may just be fearful about your relationship, finances, having enough room (he may think he'd have to provide larger living quarters and vehicles), etc.

1 mom found this helpful

MY husband too always said only 1, but when we had our second 23 months later :)......he would not have it any other way. Even though our boys fight, to watch them play togather is simply a delight.(suggestion to make your hubby consider another baby: go visit a friend in the hospital who just had a baby.....worked for mine:))
L.
http://nomoreboringclothes4boys.blogspot.com/

Show him examples of other siblings playing together happily.

Address his concerns. Did he have a bad relationship with his siblings? The book "Siblings without Rivalry" may give him the tools to make things different for his kids.

Point out to him when you see your son loanly or board or during special occations that if you had a second child you'd all be having more fun.

Play up the importance of character development for a boy becoming a big brother.

Complain that he has his boy and you'd like to try for a girl and how much that would mean to you.

Tell him that it's easier now rather than later since you already have some baby stuff around.

Be patient and whatever you do don't get pregnant without his blessing. Your marriage is more important that the number of children you have.

D., go ahead and do what's in best interest for your 31/2 year old son.i agree,i would not want my child being alone as a only child.

Let go and let god! Cc

D.,
i am going through a similar situation right now. luckily, my husband is on board with whatever decision is made. my daughter is almost 3, i am almost 35, so i know that i need to make up my mind soon. i will share this with you~i'm an only child and turned out okay :). best of luck as you search your heart.....
M.

This is a really important decision and needs to be examined carefully. Are your expectations about your children being friends realistic? If your son is already 3 there is a good chance the two children will be five years apart or more. My husband and his brother are 5 1/2 years apart and didn't have that much to do with each other as children. It wasn't that they didn't get along, the age difference was just too great. Can you and your husband talk about this calmly? Can you really listen to each other's point of view? You and your husband may need help from a third party (counselor) to really examine all of the issues surrounding this decision. Good luck.

We have 3 sons. After the 2nd child we decided to not have anymore because of my difficulty during pregnancy. God had different plans for us and blessed us with a 3rd child. You need to sit together and really talk about how you each feel. I am sure both you and your husband have reasons for wanting or not wanting more children. If you are a praying family really pray about it. Good Luck

We are there now!! I would really like to have another child but I am making some transitions with my job and my boyfriend just started a new job about 3 months ago! We just keep battling about the money...how can we afford...this, that!!

Hi D.
My post may not be too helpful, but I wanted to tell you that you're not alone with your tug of whether to have another child or not. We have a 2 year old son, who is just an absolute angel. Things are good - the three way relationship b/n me, my husband and my son is great. He's really talking well and he's so much fun to be with. But I have this "something" in my heart pulling me toward wanting to have another child. My husband is satified with just one child. We don't really have resources here, or we would've probably had another child. I agree that I would want my son to have a sibling around. Both, my husband and I have siblings. I feel torn, but I also can't shake that feeling about wanting another.
If you need to talk feel free to email me (____@____.com)
If I can't help, I do have a great ear for listening :)

Best,
PJ

We have two sons and they are four years apart. They are not close, never have been, and as a matter of fact they fought quite a bit for several years. They are now adults and get along OK, but I would never suggest having a second child just to give the first a playmate. It might not turn out the way you expect.
Also, there are lots of kids who are an only child and they are fine with it.

Wasnt this discussed before you got married?? Neither of you should have assumed what the other wanted, and this should have been planned. If you have a child, would your husband leave? I agree that one great kid deserves another, and they will be best friends. Find out why he doesnt want one. Can you afford it? Big major, life changing decision. Pray for the right answer. God will bless you either way.

I am definitly in the same position. I despiratly want another child, but my husband does not. My mother is an only child & has told me that it is very lonely, espescially when she got older & had to deal with her parents deaths alone. She has also mentioned that there is noone to reminisce with who was there with her. I completly support having multiples & hope once I am out of nursing school I can give my 3 1/2 yr old son a sibling. But if u want the perspective of the other side, there is an article in Parents mag from a month or two ago titled "loving your one and only." goodluck in your decision.

D.,
This is a decision that you guys have to make together. But I will say this. You say that you want to give your child a playmate but is having another child the best option for giving your child that. Does your child really need someone to play with or he he good at entertaining himself. Also, is he fulfilled by just playing with other children during playdates, daycare, etc?
Your children will be 4 years apart. I was 3 1/2 years younger than my sister and we never had much of a relationship. We did not go to the same school until high school and we were always on different levels.
I am one of three children and am pregnant with my second child (planned) so I am not one to say that people should only have one child. But if your only reason for wanting to have another child is to give your 3 year old a playmate, I would give the decision a little more thought.
Betsy

I wouldn't say we were on a standstill regarding a 2nd child... but a co-workers wife gave me a perspective that I - having 2 crazy brothers - would never have thought about.... Her own children were 7 years apart and she had gone through quite a bit to have their 2nd baby. I asked what made it so important... She was an only child and growing up she said that it was all fine and good, but as an adult it was very lonely. Her parents passed away and because she didn't have any bothers or sisters or a big extended family, she felt alone and that made her determined to have more than one child. It made complete sense to me and made my mind up 100% as my own mother had passed a year before and I couldn't imagine not having my brothers and their families during that difficult time. Just another point of view for your husband.