Any Other Single Moms by Choice?

Yes, I am a single mom "by choice," in that I chose not to miss out on motherhood just because I had not yet found Mr. Right. I do NOT consider single motherhood to be the choice that I made; the choice I made was to be a mother despite being single. (Marda sounds very similar to me.) I wholly believe that the ideal situation for a child is to be raised by happily married parents, so this is certainly not what I'd planned. I chose to adopt a child, as a child needing a family needs a family whether one with two parent or one parent andd I wanted to be a mom. That's just my personal decision; it isn't right for everyone. I am a good mom, and my daughter has a wonderful life in a family where she is loved.

For me, I was at an age where even meeting Mr Right would make me pretty old to be a first time bio mom, and I didn't want to rush a relationship just to have a baby. It was pretty much "now or never" time for motherhood...there is no "now or never" time for marriage. It could still happen someday...unlikely at the moment, since I don't have time to devote to a romantic relationship.

A few thoughts I will share is to really look at your total resource situation. Where are you on estalishing your career? Do you have to travel for work? Do you own a house? Do you have an emergency fund and some savings? Are you debt free? Get ALL of that in order before becoming a single parent by choice. I took a lateral job move to virtually eliminate needing to travel for business, and I am not particularly promotable right now. I couldn't have done that at 28 or 30, and I also was not in the right position at 28 to do the optimal set-up for single parenthood. You have some time to do this...be sure you've got the pre-work established, as it will make your life easier when you really need it to be as easy as possible.

I was prepared to be a single mom, and I wanted my daughter more than anything in the world. I absolutely adore her, and it is the best thing I've ever done. However, it is unbelievably hard work (and extra stress) to parent alone with no co-parent. I knew it would be a lot of work, but it's even harder than I expected. I am single, but I have the lifestyle of an old married couple just without the husband. Divorced single moms often have visitation time away from their kids (and child support), and you will not have that break and are the sole provider. My daughter is sometimes confused about why she doesn't have a dad, especially around Father's Day.

Daycare is a lifesaver, a challenge and a huge expense. And, when you look at daycare prices, add in at least an extra $100 per month for extracurricular daycare activities, classmates bday parties, supply fees, registration fees or teacher gifts. If your child is sick, you have to stay home from work, and kids are sometimes sick a lot.

I will say that it gets much easier to be a single parent the older my daughter gets. It's still a lot of work, but it's not nearly as tough as it was when she was 2.

What I will say unequivocally is not to choose a mate just so that you can have children or a coparent for your child. If you want to marry, choose someone you want to be with for life, including life without or after kids. An unhappily married two parent family is no more preferable than a happy single parent. If you haven't met the person you want to spend your life with, single parenthood can be very rewarding for you and your child. Just be sure you've done your groundwork in preparing the best possible situation for you and your child.

12 moms found this helpful

I'm not a single mom, but pardon me for throwing in a little advice...you are only 28, contrary to all the media reports that your biological clock is screaming...many women have babies well into their 40's (I'm one of them who got pregnant naturally close to 45).

A lot can change over your adult life...I look at where I was at your age and sooooo much has changed. I never thought I'd get married, yet I did when I was 36. Finding a compatible partner is harder when you have a child and being a single mom is hard too (can't imagine raising the one child I have alone...it takes both of us to coordinate everything.)

Please don't rush into this, you're still very young.

8 moms found this helpful

I am not in your boat. But i can say that when my children did arrive I had a new profound soft spot for single moms because it was the hardest thing I've ever done WITH a supportive husband. I have spent many moments wondering how single mothers do it. I don't know how they do it. But here't the rub: neither could I ever condone purposeful single parenting. I agree with Sally R. you are too young to be taking this step and therefore really limiting your potential for a solid family. I'm not a single parent, but I am a parent and I can say parenthood is not something to go alone.

8 moms found this helpful

Being a single mother by choice thru actually giving birth was not as acceptable as it is now. But I did try to conceive and didn't. When I realized I wasn't going to be getting married and still wanted a child, I adopted my daughter. I was in my mid forties. I still was criticized by a couple of my co-workers who said I should not be a single parent.

I'm so glad that I did adopt. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to conceive, tho doing so would've been difficult 35 years ago. I currently have heard of single mothers who are accepted in their social group.

8 moms found this helpful

I did what you are planning..(AI). I too decided that marriage was not in my future and I have always wanted to be a mother. So I decided by choice to be a single mom. It hasn't been easy....but it has been the BEST decision I've ever made in my life. I got pregnant the very first try. I took that as God's blessing. He gave me the most beautiful baby boy. I can't imagine my life without my son. My life is sooo more complete with him and I have NEVER regretted my decision once. Would it have been easier to have someon here with me....yes. But how many women on here are unhappy in their marriage and have horrible divorces.....ang worse yet child custody cases. I can't imagine my baby not being with me every night.
So I applaud your decision. I only suggest that you make sure that you are financially secure and have all your ducks in a row. Good luck and God Bless!!

8 moms found this helpful

I have 2 healthy daughters yet one missed 37 days of school this year due to sinus infections, strep throat and 3 stomach viruses. I personally would never choose to do this alone.
You are only 28. Why do you think marriage isn't in the cards for you?

8 moms found this helpful

Your 28, not dead!!!

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AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:

Got it, you have your S..... together and will have six months (back up money). Forgive the reality check, but in my world you just failed.

Becoming a single mom may seem like a "dream come true" right now, but it isn't and it isn't fair to a child that could be in a loving, committed, and stable two parent home. Raising a child under the best of circumstances can get pretty dicy at times and it's really helpful if you have an in house support system.

There is a lot more I could say (been there done that, by chance not choice), but I hope you will see a lot of input from single and married mom's out there.

5 moms found this helpful

I second Bobbie T's suggestion; "make sure you are financially secure and all of your ducks are in a row"! A young child will cost you, bare minimum $1000 per month, and that's if you breast feed, tack on another 300-400 for formula... Oh, and make sure you have family and a support system in place, you're going to need it. Yes, I speak from experience, I am a single mom. I left my daughter's father when she was 3 months old, by choice (we were not married). I'm not just a single mom, but rather an ONLY parent. I was not (am not) financially secure (got laid off twice in 2 years), nor do I receive child support (he's a dead beat) and I do not have family or a support system. I can't even explain to you, how hard it's been, even to say, it's been harder than hell, seems like such an understatement... so, yeah, make sure you'r financially secure.

4 moms found this helpful

You know that women are settling down later nowadays, don't you? Why the hurry? You're only 28. Just wait until you meet the man that makes you feel differently, because it will probably happen eventually. Do you know how many people say marriage isn't for them, and then they meet their soulmate, who changes everything?

Anyway, I know you are getting feedback you didn't ask for, but it's because we have some really caring women on here that have been there, done that, and can see holes in your plan that you haven't even thought of. And you have us other moms who are thinking about this baby that will be purposely brought into this world without a father & know that it puts the child & you at a great disadvantage.

I know you think you know how it will be, and that you're totally prepared, but I grew up with a single mom & no matter how you arrive at that lifestyle, no matter your career, money situation, stability, etc. it is 100 x harder than having a partner to help you raise this child, end of story.

3 moms found this helpful

If I could turn my ex into a SD I would <bambi eyes> but that's probably not what you mean.

Just wanted to say: Good on ya!

Not out of bitterness, but in true respect, as I would anyone else choosing to go after a difficult career, dream, hope, goal.

3 moms found this helpful

Girl I am two years younger than you. I have an 8 year old, a 6 year old, and a 3 year old. I've been married twice to dead beat dads and divorced. While my older two from the same dad visit him every other weekend, my youngest has a dad that couldn't care less. For me I was 17 when I got pregnant and I believe it knocked some sense in that me that I was sorely lacking. While I realized this and changed myself to ready myself for motherhood, my husband did not grow up with me. I'm single again, by circumstance, not choice. I believe I gave my all to save both of my marriages until there was nothing left. My first one took off with another woman and is now married to her, and my second one was abusive to me and my older daughters.
I hate men right now, I have to be honest. I sometimes feel like giving up on them myself. However, I know exactly what it's like going it alone. With three babies, I went through medical assisting school and have been a midwife apprentice for a year. I work on call graveyard shifts and don't get to sleep the next day because I have to get my kids to school, pick up my kindergartner half day, and I have my three year old constantly when I'm not at work. I am lucky that I have a mother that helps me sooo much. My mother by the way is also single with ten kids. She has been since I was little. My dad is a child molester. You can imagine the damage that caused each one of us. She didn't just have to deal with being mom and dad to ten kids, she had to deal with each of our many mental break downs, and cope with her own all these years, plus my brother with brain damage and schizophrenia before he died. While my mothers situation is an extreme one, and mine different then your intent, I cannot stress to you how much you really do not know what you're doing until you actually become a single mother.
I have three daughters, I grew up not remembering a time when sexual contact wasn't happening. Have you any idea how hard it is for me to trust men? I have to worry now that men might just want me just to get to my daughters, to hurt them, because there are so many sick people out there. All this and yet, I want a father for them. They really want a father in the home, they want me to be happy with a man. I want to have more babies, and I only hope for me that it won't be too late for me before I give the right one a chance. It is a lot harder to find a man that will take on three extra munchkins on top of a wife. This is not an easy life, and even though I started so young you and I are still young. You are naive to think or believe that marriage isn't ever going to happen. You are also selfish to wish on a potential child to live without a father. They will always want one, and will always feel lost without one. Circumstances led to me not caring about my dad, but do you know how much I wish that I knew what it was like for those kids that had amazing dads? Ones that didn't hurt them? It is hard to believe they exist.
Just thought I'd tell you a little about how it is on the younger end being a single parent, but your post makes me think of me as a teenager, thinking I knew everything, how it would be, how I would handle it perfectly, and how it wouldn't matter what anyone said cause I was just going to do it my way anyway. It's sad that I have nieces that are 15 and 16 that sound just like you. "It's the end of the world after all"............. Really I was an idiot before I became a mother. However, pregnancy is not the fruit of knowledge for everyone. Sometimes Eve must learn from others, and others she will just keep on listening to that damn serpent!

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My daughter's conception was not planned, but my decision to have her and not marry her dad was deliberate (he proposed when I told him I was pregnant and I said No).
It's not easy, but there is no reason a single mom can't be a great mom and raise great kids.

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I guess you could say my Mom made that choice.
She was married to our father but after I and my sister were born she could see that growing up with him would have destroyed us.
So she divorced him, got full custody of us (he didn't want us anyway so that part wasn't hard) and she raised us herself.
She never remarried.
It wasn't easy, but she worked (taught 6th grade in public school), had a baby sitter for us, earned her master's degree (got her on a higher pay scale), eventually she bought a house (was nice not living in an apartment anymore).
My Mom understands what being a single parent is all about.
You might want to check out Parents Without Partners sometime.
There will be other single mothers (and fathers) who are raising their kids are their own for a variety of reasons.

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Did you search anywhere else besides a yahoo group? Because I entered in the google search "single moms by choice" and found a whole website and organization dedicated to just SMCs.

There also seems to be many links in my google search to what appears to be blogs, support groups, discussion forums, etc.

but here's the link to the main one. Odd that Mamapedia came up in your search before this one...

http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/

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Just a suggestion, there are already many babies and young kids in the country who need families. Is it possible for you to adopt?

One of my cousins was a SMC. When her daughter was about 3 she met the man that she eventually married. I wish I knew her better so that I could give you her contact info for some advice.

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I am a single mom have been for 14 years now. I have dated but I am done. I can have a better time with myself or out with my daughter now that she is old enough to do fun things. I just don't like the immaturity or excess baggage. I am 37 and I don't think marriage is in the cards for me and I have accepted that and I don't want to waste anymore time looking and just enjoy my life, my daughter and start taking care of me and what I want to do.

Oh goodness no!!! At 27 when I adopted my niece (due to an emergency situation, not infertility) I was traveling the world in an awesome career and had been married for two years. I honestly had not given two seconds thought into planning a baby and certainly never would have been thinking about that in junior high.

Motherhood is the most amazing thing ever and I am thankful she has her father every day as well (even though he is my ex now). Unfortunately, you can't ask your future child if they want or need a man in their life.

You can get a lot of amazing information here and it won't matter if you were a married mom or found your kid in a cabbage patch.

I'm an SMC. I can't see others' replies, so I'm not sure if anyone has pointed you to the Facebook groups Single Mothers by Choice group on there. (That is a closed group. The Single Mother by Choice is an open group.) I think that is the same group (for the most part) that used to be on Yahoo.