Any One with a 16 Going on 17 Daughter

I have a 17 year old son and it is DEFINITELY the only punishment that is effective with him. If you want to really get her attention and show her you are serious about whatever issue than I recommend taking the cell phone. It's amazing how quickly they get it together!

Ok, my 14 year old son begged us for 3 years to get him a phone, we finally relented this past christmas and even bought him the first 500 minutes. We decided to make him responsible for all his minutes but bought him a really nice phone. It has worked wonders but he lives for that thing! THen to make it even worse he LOST the dang thing. Life ended for approximately a week and since he can't find it and we will not buy him a new one he has decided life can continue without a phone. Give her a week and she will realize there are other forms of communication, hopefully!:)

i don't have a teenager, but i do remember being one who had a hard time letting go of phone time. at that age, my parents were trying to enforce a 15 minute limit on my phone calls, for reasons that made sense to them, but they were unaware of how much i needed to talk to my friends on the phone at the time. i had a few close friends and that year we had no classes together. i even shared a locker with my best friend and was lucky to see her for 2 minutes in a day. i was lonely and counted the minutes until my friends got home from various meetings and practices so that we could finally talk. none of us had access to cars and my parents were very busy with their businesses (part of the reason for the phone limit), and couldn't drive me to friends' houses. i tried to keep the phone rule, but i just couldn't because emotionally i needed so much to talk to my friends. so my parents eventually took away all phone privileges to enforce my respect of their rules and i went into a depression. they were clueless about it. now, i don't necessarily believe that teens need cell phones, even if they help pay for it with their own job. i just think sometimes their money could be better spent or saved. but before further limiting her phone use, please consider first if she would have her social/emotional needs met without it.

My son is 11 (almost 12) going on 17! While the real hormones have yet to kick in, I can sympathize! Your daughter will not die without her cell phone. Obviously, there is a reason it has been removed from her possession! If this is such a life-threatening issue, she should have thought a little harder about whatever she did to get it taken away from her. Remember too, that her brain is not fully developed and she will make strange decisions. Teens can't think as logically as an adult. Without knowing more, it's hard to tell if you are really an evil, over-reacting mom (tongue in cheek) or simply being a good parent (not a buddy) and disciplining your teen. Hope you feel better! BTW, my husband still lovingly calls his mother, M.O.M. = Mean Ogre Mother!

I have a seventeen year old brother. From what I've seen and feel, best to stand your ground and not give in.

No, We are not the only one's whose daughter will die if the cell phone is taken away. I have an almost 15 year old and she just cannot fathom not having her cell phone. It is total security for her. I have had to take it away recently for poor grades and the first three days are the most difficult- but then she realized that she will live without it. However; when she did get her phone back she gave me a big hug and was text messaging away. I also was relieved because I do too depend on her having her cell phone so I can keep in touch with her throughout the day. I believe the cell phone will be with us forever- our children will grow up getting instant gratification -for example: digital cameras. Anyways, you are not alone and good luck.

T.- work ful time- 3 kids -14,7 and 4

Hi R.,

You are not alone! I have a 17 yr old daughter, her most recent ''cell phone'' crisis was not being able to find it before school. You'd of thought the world just came to an abrupt end! Naturally it was MY fault she couldn't find it! (Even though I don't use it, touch it, or see it!) So, yes I know what you mean about their impending doom should the cell phone be taken from them though they will and do live thru it. I had to confiscate my daughters phone for 2 weeks (the perfect punishment let me tell you!). Her world did not end and she knew if by complaining about the unfairness of it all only prolonged the length of time she went without it! Don't know if this helps you any just knowing you are not alone, but hope it does. Keep the faith!!

You can not be a friend, you have to be her mom. Don't take anything personal, choose the battle and make sure it is worth it. And say what you mean and mean what you say. You don't have to like her hair do or clothes but you have to set the limits on what she can do. She'll be angry but you have to do what you and your husband feel is the right thing. They do eventually grow up and get over it. Keep things simple and approach whatever it is with out emotions and be sure to listen to her because we can make mistakes and there is a need to reevaluate what your expectations are. Hang in there, it does pass.

here we are: my little one is 17 :) !
so what about the cellphone?

I found the greatest way to communicate with my daughter:
she is not very talkative in real life,
but when i text-message her to the other room in the same house,
she responds immediately,
and she is full of wit, and loves-it !!!

it's a new generation, R.!
they grow up with technology
and they consider it not a luxury or convenience
but an utmost necessity, a tool that helps them to live...
we cannot change it, this is another era.

What we CAN do,
is to set up rules.
Actually, this is a TOOL FOR YOU,
to make sure she behaves
and has all the chores and homework done:
if you know that she's attached to her phone so much, USE IT !
"You have chores-homework done, all is well:
here's your phone-cell.
"You missed one homework, - minus one hour of the phone,
put it on my desk and go finish your task.
You do not behave well, cellphone walks away for a day,
and oh, you cannot go out with freinds
if we do not have connection!
(this is crucial: moms and daughters
need to have connection at all times, right?)
Now, if you do want to go out, can you take the phone for coupe hours:no honey remember, this was the agreement
and you need to remember:
all is cool
if you follow
one simple rule:
you do allright
you have the phone, and all again is good."

did you try it?
It works absolutewly WONDER-FULLY:

and please, to not get upset, or angry!
stay happy, and smiley: you are a FRIEND.
For this simple rule to work,
before you start this awful 'punishment',
you need to talk to her first,
and set this rule up TOGETHER:
ask her for timing:
for how long she misses the phone when she:
~ did not submit homework
~ forgot to make some chores
~ misbehaved
~ whatever she sometimes does not do right...
you can ever write it down and place it next to the calendar:
this enables her to know the consequences,
and she cannot be angry at you:
it was a teamwork, to set the rule up,
and now it is not you who punishes you, but she just has to follow the RULES: unemotional, and impersonal.
You only remind her: 'sorry, honey, go read the rules-note..."

P.S. when I text message her, i do it awfully slowly,
but she likes getting my messages,
so she is patient to wait,
and answers promptly. :)

I wish you both all the best!!!

P.P.S. Are they not great, our 16-17 year olds ?!
:) when she was 13, she told me, on my approaching her,
usually so cozy and hugable:
"MOM YOU"R IN MY BUBBLE!"
This was the very first sign, when I realized: I have a teenager in the house! :)
They require a little different approach,
but they are so cool!

Hi R.,
I have a 16 year old stepdaughter that is full of drama - it's normal for that age...she will die if she doesn't have her car, or her phone, or if we make her stay at the ranch for the weekend away from her boyfriend...the drama never ends...biggest thing is, stick to your guns when you are punishing...I don't know of any kids yet that have actually died because they couldn't talk on the phone...but if you go back on your punishment she will figure out quickly that you are not serious when you hand out punishments...hope this helps!
T. Jo

I have six. The youngest is 16, a girl up to 27. I have four daughters and two sons. She will not die without her cell phone! It is part of the age. The drama queen! You might want to do some bonding time and make a total day out. Movie, lunch, shopping. Find out why she feels this phone is soooo important. Do you know her friends? Have a slumber party with just a few of them. Find out what is really happening. Just a few thoughts. What else is going on? Is there a boy involved?

It is hard to tell what you need help with in your letter. I hope this helped please let me know if it is something else. I might be able to pick my teenagers brain for some ideas. She has help me with problems from other moms.
C. B

Hi, R.. I've got a 16 year old in the house. She is the same way with her cell & computer. (both of which we take away for punishment periodically...right now she's been without both for about 2 1/2 weeks now) To tell you the truth, she's a more pleasant kid to be around when they're taken away because she'll actually communicate with us (since she has no choice) when that happens. Anyway, just shoot me a message if you have something that you need to discuss. I'd be happy to share a little something if it may help. Just hang in there.....teens are teens....even if they think they're "grown". =)

I take it you didn't get the memo that says " Removal of phone and other electronics will cause the world to end, their lives to fall apart, and you will become person non-grata and the most unlikeable mom out there!"

I get reminded of this from all of my teens on a regular bases, and then I remind them that phones, mp3 players, video games ect,.. are all privlages and the last I checked the government never said I had to provided them with these things, only that I had to keep a roof over their heads, food in their stomache and clothes on their backs, and it doesn't say name brands either!

Welcome to the club I have 4 teens, all with b-days this summer, they are going to be 17,16,16 and 15 then I have 3 little ones and I can't tell you which age group is easier!

The best advice I can give is to be there when your daughter is....meaning if she wants to talk at 3:00 am in the morning...you have to be there to listen. My kids had weird hours when they were that age and we got most of our talking done after midnight. They want to be validated...they want someone to listen....they need a soft place to fall....
This too shall pass but this time in their lives is so important and it deserves some sacrifice on the part of us parents.

My children are 1 and 5 --- BUT --- I am a high school teacher and have a lot of experience with teenagers. Your daughter is not going to DIE if her cell phone is taken away. I am appalled at how many teenagers have cell phones. College professors call it the longest umbilical cord. I think kids are forgetting how to interact with one another. They text message or email instead. I think cell phones should only be used for emergencies (like a credit card). Cell phones should be a privilege. The good news is that you found something that is important to her. You can use that to get her to do things you want her to do. If she does A,B, and C for you then she gets X,Y, and Z minutes on the cell phone. I wouldn't give her carte blanche minutes. Get prepaid cell phone minutes. The catch is that you get to monitor her text messages, etc. She is still a minor and living under your roof and your rules --- what you say goes. She may think she will die --- but really, she's learning boundaries and values --- which every child needs. Remember, you are her mom, not her friend. She'll still love you even if she says otherwise. And you'll still love her even is she is being a difficult teen.

R.,

My children are 25 and 23. My oldest is a girl.
Perhaps once in a while I might be able to give some advise.

My daughter was actually the first in our family to get a cell phone and I really appreciated it when she was on dates.

Of course things have changed in the last 5 years. I am getting to the point of your daughter. There are times that I would be completely lost without my cell. It does bother me to see teens texting while they are supposed to be listening.
Maybe there gets to be a class on cell phone etiquette.
Hopefullly you have unlimited texting in your phone plan.
I know the first time I saw my son's bill I was in shock.

Best of luck. My children's teen years were challenging.
With Joy, C.

I have two teenagers 15 yr.old daughter and an 18 yr.old son. I agree that taking the phone away is the "end of the world" (insert sarcasm) for any teenager. I am glad to hear from other parents who need help with teenagers. I work full time, work Mary Kay part time and have three kids. My youngest is 5, my nephew that we recently got full custody of, so I feel your pain. Let me know if there is any other way I can help you. ____@____.com is my home email. Just know you are not alone in the teenage daughter pain!!

Hi R.. I have three teenage daughters, 17, 15 and 13. I don't quite understand your question, so try again and I am happy to respond. Thanks.

Not only can my 16-year-old daughter (who will be 17 this August) not live without her cell phone. WHEN (not if) she breaks it (she's on her fifth or sixth phone) from flipping it open too hard or dropping it or whatever, she seems to think we are responsible for purchasing a new one for her. Best thing I ever did was put insurance on her line. $50 is a lot easier to swallow than $200 or better, but she still has to work it off. This is THE most effective punishment. This and taking away the car keys. Without either, my husband and I are considered the ultimate worst parents on the planet!
My kids are 16 (G), 8 (G), and 3 (B). I feel your pain.

Hi R.,
My daughter is 17. She just got grounded and her phone besides other things got taken away. She is adjusting rather well considering one month she had 11,100 text messages. What other questions do you have?
J.

Hi R.!
I have a 17.5 year old and when she needs to be brought down to reality, I take her phone away! This is the one thing she cannot live without. SO...when I need her to get something done, or she is out of control, I take that phone and it works like a charm!

A., seasoned mom to a 17.5 year old, an 11 year old and an 8 year old.

I have teenagers, and I have to say we all need more advice on our teens than on all these little baby issues! As for your teen, everything is soooooo extravagant! They will just die over everything!?! But how else can they learn lessons and responsibility for their actions? I've had to take my kids' cell phones away a few times, they just have to deal and realize that not everything is roses, and there are rules and consequences. She'll get over it, just give her incentives to earn it back.

That's me! She's 16 going on 17. I only pay for the basic cell phone because it's really for me. I need for her to be able to call me when she's finished with an activity at school (or something similar) so I can pick her up. I do not pay for any texting. She is well aware that she'd have to pay for any extras from her money. Guess what ... we've NEVER had any extra charges. If you are intending to take away her cell as punishment, make sure you're not punishing yourself. If so, get her a trac phone (sp?) with limited minutes to be used only to contact you and/or she can only have it when it benefits you. She's going to DIE because you have her attention. Do it! You are in charge and now more than ever she needs to know that. Cell phones and car keys are the two most impactful recourses.

Blessings,
L.

My oldest daughter is exactly 16 1/2 yrs. She has had her cell phone taken away while on restriction. Yes, sometimes she has acted like it was the end of the world, but she quickly gets over it. The topic is not allowed to be carried on in our home. You've said your peace, I understand you are upset, but the topic is over and you'll have your phone back when you (fill in the blank). That's that, no more discussion of it. I feel for you and wish I had better advice to give. This is what works for our home.

R., I am a mother of 2 daugthters, my oldest is 16 going on 17 and my youngest turns 11 in 19 days. My teen throws a fit when i threaten to take away her cell phone. Im sort of a softie, remembering how i wanted someone to talk to when i was depressed when i was younger etc. I have allowed my daugther to keep her cell phone to this date, but i have also made arrangments for her to PAY FOR IT to help her be responsible. If payment is not recieved by the 5th, her phone is suspended. ( this action is FREE with your provider, atleast mine is) This will hault all the texting and late night calls. We also have a rule at our house that she can not use the cell after 10 PM, she cant use it at school and cant send or recieve provocative pics, texts, and it will be checked from time to time. So far, this has worked for us. I have recently decided if our kids like us, we arent doing our jobs as parents and being too much of a friend. they have FRIEDS at school, we need to help mold them into productive citizens befor they leave the nest. Tough love........ its harder than it sounds, especially if you have a soft heart like i do. In the long run, your teen will thank you. I dont believe that kids should just be handed everything and have no consequence. I have taken internet privledges, tv and phone away for bad grades. I am currantly awaiting her monthly payment on her phone, or, as the mean ole parent i am said to be, will suspend her cellular service until she gets a job and acts responsible-- Adults get utilities shut off for non payment, its a good lesson to learn early on! Feel free to email me direct if you wish, tdbierschied @ citlink dot net. I wish you and your family well! sincerely, T.