Any Ideas on How to Deal with a Bully?

I know you say she would never be welcomed in your home but this is one time when I think the following statement would really apply "Keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer" It would be very difficult but reaching out to her and modeling a loving and friendly environment on your turf might make her lighten up some. You're right, she is a miserable and insecure girl, doesn't excuse her behavior at all but gives you some serious insight on her problems. I'd try to reach out to her before writing her completely off as a lost cause.

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This is a hard situation. Let me tell you that I experienced a similar situation at the school I had gone to for all of my Jr. High and High Shool and my senior year my parents put me in a different school. It was the best thing that could have happened to me. I met my best friend there and we still stay in touch. I had a wonderful senior year. I was in a private school and if you can afford it and your daughter wants to I would suggest the move. It is a hard call. Let your daughter make the choice. She needs to be given the opportunity to make adult choices. Best of luck to you.

I cannot tell you what to do, but here is what my mom did. My brother was bullied alot in Junior High so over the summer she put him and I both in boxing and we learned alot. Not just how to fight but we also learned self disipline and when it is self defense and when it isn't. My brother finish and graduated high school with no problems. I guess since he had the confindence in himself he didn't let anyone push him around anymore. I got in a few fights, but I have NEVER been picked on at all, and it was all self defense. And I never got in trouble for it. Maybe give your daughter the self confidence to stand up to this girl once and for all. Once she has the experience, wisdom and confidence, bulling shouldn't be a problem anymore. But I'm old-school so this is just my advise. My kids are 5 and almost 4 and I plan to put them both in boxing when they turn 6. Good luck, I hope you find something that works for you soon. I'm sure school cannot be fun for her : (

Hi S.,

How heart wrenching that your daughter is having to go through this. I am currently taking a Love and Logic parenting class that has answers to all kinds of questions we have about rearing our children from ages birth to ????? They have some great strategies to dealing with all kinds of problems that crop up and I know I saw articals/books on bullying. Their website is : www.loveandlogic.com/

Also James Dobson from Focus on the Family says that children should be removed from a situation that is threatening to them. Look on his website at: www.family.org/

I know Love and Logic will say that it is best to teach your daughter some strategies to deal with this problem herself. When teachers, parents, and other adults get involved it can set your child up for more bullying and make her more of a target for others.

My children are small so we haven't dealt with these issues just yet so I surely don't have the answers to your dilemma. I just have happened upon these websites and thought they may have some help for you. Let us know how things work out.

M.

You might want to read "Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons. It is about aggression in girls and may provide some insight into what's going on and how to deal with it. As someone who was bullied daily in the 9th grade, I feel for your daughter. I kept it from my parents as much as I could because I didn't want them to take action and cause the situation to be worse. That was 21 years ago and I still remember it vividly. I didn't know these girls -- they just shared a locker next to mine, and they decided to make my life miserable for my entire freshman year. I had no classes with them or any other interaction. Who knows what drives some people to do such horrible things to others...

Good luck.

S.,

My heart goes out to you. I too, was bullied in high school and what I have to say is this. Even though you want her to fight her own battles, it sounds as if this is an instance in which she could use your assistance. The counselors and others at school have way too many students to deal with to keep up with all problems. Just go to the counselors anonymously or call them and explain the problem. Express your concerns and see where you get. If you don't get anywhere, go up the chain of command from there, try the assistant principal, make an appointment and go in and talk, that usually works best. Maybe they could try to get her into classes next year without that girl in them. This girl is negatively affecting your daughter and it WILL stay with her for a long time, believe me. You can argue that she is affecting her grades and perhaps chances at college with the school, that should help. I had a boy at my duaghters high school that was encouraging her to skip school, smoke and was bringing "contriban" into the school, etc...I talked to the school about him for 6 months straight, and finally, the next school year, he was assigned to an alternative school. So, I know it can be done. I can tell you this, I was a straight A student untill the bullying started and then, my grades dropped terribly. I didn't go to college (what a waste!) because of the negative experience I had in high school, didn't want more of the same. Even though she is in the 10th grade, you are still her mother, her champion, and sometimes, we all need to be reminded that there are people who will "go to bat" for us, when we cannot do it for ourselves. Please, help her, she will thank you for it in the end.

Best of Luck,

S.

Looks like you've gotten some good advice--I would probably go with trying to bring the girl into your home and sit down for dinner with the family. Most bullying is rooted in jeolousy and envy, and those two emotions are usually based on unfounded beliefs ("she's got a better home than I do," etc.etc.) The main thing is making your presence well-known to this troubled young lady and do it on a regular basis. Make sure the administration at this school is aware, as well. If your daughter is a target, it's likely there are others out there, as well. If none of this works, then it may be time to seriously consider moving your daughter to another school. I know it seems unfair to her, but it may turn out to be the best thing for her, so she can have some peace.

I am so sorry that BOTH of you are going through this. I was bullied in high school. By a BOY! The strangest thing is that when my son started school, he was bullied also. This kid turned out to be the nephew of the boy who bullied me in high school. It turns out the entire family are bullies. My son (and I too) were going to private schools. I didn't realize what my son was going through for years until he confided in my husband (his step-dad). Then it all made sense. He didn't like going to school. He refused to do the work required even though I knew he was perfectly capable. He flat out didn't care about ANYTHING. Well, my advice to you is that if you could move her away from that girl, you would be better off. I didn't move my son because he had only 2 more years left at that school, but when he started high school he bloomed. Looking back now, he and we missed out on those junior high years. School administrations do not have the ability or permission to handle these kids. Even if your daughter is not physically touched by this girl, the effects of words and peer pressure can be sometimes more damaging. Your daughter won't get these years back and high school is so important.

I would definitely talk to the school counselors. Be assertive. The education system is responsible for your child's education and physical and emotional health. If there is a problem that is affecting your child's enjoyment of school--the school should be made aware of it. Let them know that you expect something to be done and if no action is taken you will hold them responsible if any harm comes to your child. Be calm, but firm. Also, I know that your daughter is afraid of this girl (and probably has every right to be) but when confronted with a bully, you have to look "brave" and confront them. Calmly and boldly tell the bully to stay away and that you will not be bullied into doing everything they want. Get other friends to help be supportive.

Here is something I found online that might be helpful also.

What to Do About Bullying
Bullying can be a big pain, but you don't have to let bullying get the best of you and your buddies. Here are some things to try if you're bothered by a bully:

Act brave. When you're scared of another person, you're probably not feeling your bravest. But sometimes just acting brave is enough to stop a bully. If you walk by as though you're not afraid and hold your head high, a bully may be less likely to give you trouble.
Ignore a bully. Simply ignoring a bully's threats and walking away robs the bully of his or her fun. Bullies want a big reaction to their teasing and meanness. Acting as if you don't notice and don't care is like giving no reaction at all, and this just might stop a bully's behavior.
Stand up for yourself. Kids can stand up for themselves with words by telling the bully to stop it, and then walk away. Kids also can stand up for each other by telling a bully to stop teasing or scaring someone else, and then walk away together.
Tell an adult. If you are being bullied, it's very important to tell an adult. Teachers, principals, parents, and lunchroom helpers at school can all help to stop bullying.
Be a buddy. Kids who are being bullied can use the buddy system. Make a plan to walk with a friend or two on the way to school or recess or lunch or wherever you think you might meet the bully. Offer to do the same for a friend who's having trouble with a bully.
Don't bully back. Don't hit, kick, or push back to deal with someone bullying you or your friends. Fighting back just satisfies a bully and it's dangerous, too, because someone could get hurt. It's best to stay with others, stay safe, and get help from an adult.

Can you talk to the school about the issue while school is out and see how they handle these kind of issue without being specific about who it is? If the school has a negative reaction to the issue it will give them time to forget about it before school startes again. good luck.

S., It looks like you've done about all you can do. All the right things. I would be willing to bet that this other girl gets in some serious trouble over the summer or probably won't last long next year before she has to be put in an alternative school. I know you said a small town and it does make it hard to avoid her, outside of school. Keep building confidence in your daughter as you have done and I wouldn't change her school. That kind of lets the bully win. But sometimes, I have talked to counselors and they have kept it away from my sons who said what, but never much help. My sons have beaten up Bullies, only for them to return. But the very best thing is that every Bully, I can think of, ended up in trouble on their own and got kicked out of their school. Best of Luck and try to have a good summer, not worrying about it. They all get caught sometime or run into a Bully that's Badder than they are.

Do you know that bullying is illegal and she can be charged with harrasment. If I we in your situation (I am also the mother of a high school girl) I would be more concerned with my childs well being and less about the mommy battle issue. She needs to be shown that she can control a situation by handling it like an adult. Go to the school mom and you may discover that she isn't the only kid this "Bully" is pushing around. This kid needs to be shown she can't get away with disrespecting other people. Good Luck, N.

Remind your daughter that bullies are that way because they feel so low about themselves that they want to bring people to their level to try to make themselves feel better. Doesn't work. Give your daugther love and support and have her never give in to feeling low because of this pathetic person. The bully deserves your daugther's pity and nothing else.

If you can, get more involved in the school. Be present and let the staff know you. If you are known then the bully will be less likely to harass your child. If it is affecting her education, you need to step in. HS is the foundation for college and the rest of her life. She should not be so sad during it.

I had the same thing with my daughter growing up. One little girls manipulated a group of girls,parents, teachers, coaches. Charming could act like no tomorrow. Be your best friend for a week and a week later be you closest friend's best friend and leave you out. She had two older sisters and watched with their interactions. She could control the universe. I remarried moved my son and daughter far away. But my daughter even named her dog this girl's name. My daughter did not fit in where we were northerns and we moved south. Different cultures and those kids had all grown up together. She rebelled and really I lost her closeness forever so far. She is still far after moving back in that area to live with her dad and new step mom who only wanted to show me she could take her from me. It lasted 4 months and she lived here and there with different people. Now I feel she is still making mistakes in relationships but has grown a great deal. She has never asked me for anything. She struggles and makes her own way. How do we deal with this brat? Ignoring she will not tolerate. Taking sides she has everything in her favor because she has them all wrapped around her finger. I pray for you that your daughter can go to a new school. We built a group of our own in school. Those special people that were cheerleaders and only into themselves and so shallow. We one by one invited others that were loners or hurt by someone, or not what they wanted to be in out group gaining a bigger group. Having more control over our fun and lives. I guess, getting organized. Remember Hitler? He controlled others and no one stood up to him. But what if as a group they do. What if they are ignoring and having their own parties and fun. What if they leave her out and give her a taste of her own medicine? There is always someone alone. Some one who is a nerd who is into learning or does not look like they want who has not bloomed yet. Look around and find people you can be a friend to. I believe that even having our children is to teach us how to grow. As we teach others we learn. Social skills. Maybe someone does not know how to do their hair offer. Have a make up party. Do not let this bully be the one in control. Names will not hurt us but build confidence in outselves as humans God loves. I used to be shy and one day I was reading a book that why would God make me Shy? From then on I learned how to talk to others and when we put others in front of our needs we learn to appreciate and be grateful. Life is finding our gifts God gave us. See if she can teach others how to care, pray for this bully and not lash back but if she sees that you are still going to have fun. Pizza party, pool party whatever she can have her favorites but there is good in all of us. So find that good in others who do not shine outward but inward. WE are who we hang with. Be careful who we spend our precious time with because they rub off on us. God Bless you and hope this may help. Just keep brainstorming and keep her involved in the process. I remember a gal that had a handicap child and she helped her by inviting friends over for creative things to do. No matter what God loves us and he gets us through tough times.Try to keep her focused and not on poor me. More like thank God I am not like her. G. W