Another Child or Not?

I only have one daughter (who is 15) and I really miss having a sibling for her. She is very active outside of the house (involved in many sports, etc. starting from K-now), but she is alone at home. All she does is watch TV or go on the internet. The three of us are close (Mom, Dad, & Teenager make 3.) so I really worry about what is going to happen to her when something happens to us.

I personally think Heidi F.'s response is brilliant! Take one day at a time. If the job looks good now - take it. You can always make adjustments when the time comes.

You have to do what will work for you. If you can afford another then go for it. I don't really believe that child spacing issues even exist. I have 4 kids, 2 adopted, and they are almost 6, 4 1/2, 4 and 2. They all play wonderfully. My 2 that I gave birth to were 20 months apart and that was great. My nieces were 3 years apart and that was great. It really doesn't matter. The things you have to think about are:
how many in diapers at once
how many in car seats
how many in strollers
how many in daycare at once
Things like that can make a difference depending on money, space in the vehicle, daycare, etc.
Hope this helps,
J.
Mom to 4, almost 5 through another adoption and hopefully more :o) Being green in MN :o)

I have one daughter and one is good. She is not only a good little girl but she is my best friend. We do everything together and it is so much fun. I see my sister with three and she is struggling all the time. I would say do what is in your heart but remember that it is ok to just have one.

My kids are two years apart and are now 6 and 4, they have been best buds from the beginning

Hi Amy;
I would take the job if you like what you do. January is 8 months or so from now and then you can decide if the second child is a choice. I would have a second child, they have a playmate, learn sharing, and experience much more with two or three children. I understand the cost, but they are so much of a treasure as they and you grow together as a family. Good luck with what ever choice you make. L., I am a young grandma now it is great.

What's important to you? work or giving your child a sibling? Personally, I'd want to give my child the sibling and if my employer couldn't work with me on my hours then it's not the company I want to work for. Jobs are out there and if you can't find another job can you survive on one income? I'm sure you can find PT work or two PT jobs. This is a tough one but I think in the long run it'll be better that the children grow together and they have someone to lean on when their parents are no longer around.

Ultimately the decision has to be from your husband and yourself, but...... I have been around kids ALL my life (my mom did home daycare and I do now). I will say that you can really tell the kids that are only children. I think it is best to have at least 2. The only children don't seem to get along as well socially. They don't have to share anything at home. Someone with an only child may see it differently, but I can usually pick out an only child from the group. My kids are 2 1/2 years apart. It was a great spacing. Again, it is truly a decision that only you can make, but I hope I helped. I also think that you should take the full time job. You never know if you will get pregnant when you want to and the extra money will be helpful. Then you can decide once you have the 2nd one if you want to keep working full time or if you want to be home more. Take it one step at a time.

I could be wrong, but it sounds like you are not ready to really think about another child at this point. Perhaps you could take the full time hours for now and then reevaluate down the road. Listen to what your heart is saying. If your main worry is money, it seems like people can make it work if they really want to. Your daughter is at such a fun age, maybe you just need to focus on that for now and time will give you answers.

As for spacing children, it seems there are hundreds of different thoughts and many are in direct conflict with each other! When it comes down to it, it really depends on you, your first and subsequent children's personality/temperments, and many other variables. Some people breeze through adding a second child to the family and other's just about break down!

Good luck!

Take the job and try to conceive when you are ready. My hubby and I tried to have another one for 4 years before it happened. My children are now almost 5 years apart (my daughter is a AWESOME big sis, and helper. She adores her baby brother). They are very close. Just because you want to try to have more kids in 8 months does not mean it will happen that fast. Who knows, it may happen next month too! Take the job and whatever curveballs life throws at you and enjoy your daughter. Congrats on the job offer!

Amy,

I think you could do both. You could work the new job until you have your second child and then at that time, you could cut your hours back. I'm not sure if you work for a small or a larger company, but you shoudl be able to rework your hours with your HR department afterwords. If you take full time now, that doesn't mean you have to keep full time in the future.

As for the age range spacing, I think that's a great space. We had our kids 20 months appart and that was difficult, becuase my oldest still was having communciation issues, by 2 1/2 speach and comprehension should be good enough your oldest will be able to communicate well with you and understand what you need from her or say to her.

I honestly don't think you need to forget a second child if you want one in lieu of work. If your boss values you, you will be able to cut hours back later again. If not, there are pleanty of part time jobs you can get. Another thought is finding a company you can be a rep for. You could work that a bit while you are in your other job and grow it enough to possibly supplement your income when you have a second child.

That's what i'm doing. I am a rep for, with a great compensation plan and it's a lot of fun for me and I'm currently working it with the thought that in a couple of years i'll be able to stay home with my 2 boys.

Dear Amy,
There is 2 years and 8 months between my first child and my second and about the same between my second child and the one that I am expecting. It is a great age range. One of the many books I have read by John Rosemond, suggests that it is better to have them a little farther apart, so that they are more independent and not as emotionally needy when that second child comes. I love the spacing.
God says that children are a blessing and they truly are.If you can have more, be thankful and go for it. You can work the rest of your life, but you can't always have more children. It is also important for your other child to have a sibling. It teaches them things that you really can't, sharing, caring for another human being and so many things. They are great playmates, but not without their challenges either.
Good luck,
T.

Hi Amy. My brother and I are 2yrs. 4mos apart and have always been really close. My husband and his sister are 23mos apart and are the same way. We loved growing up with the age difference we did and are planning on doing the same (or at least trying to) with our kids. We felt close enough to our sibling to be able to play together when it was just the two of us, yet being two years apart we also had our own group of friends. Regarding having another baby, I would say go for it, even if for your daughter's sake. I don't know any only children that didn't wish they had siblings. There will always be more money to make, but it seems to me that at the end of a lifetime you never hear people wishing they spent more time at work, yet you often hear they wished they spent more time with their kids. I don't know... that's my 2 cents, thanks for letting me share! Good luck with your decision!

I really can't understand why so many mothers want to have their children spaced at some ideal number of years, it really is not that big of a deal! Don't worry about how many children you will have, and don't feel like you MUST DECIDE NOW OR NEVER! Just relax and enjoy the child that you have! If and when you and your husband feel ready for a new baby don't stress too much over how far apart your children will be in age. My 2 little girls are 3 years apart and they get along great! I have a friend whose 2 boys are 6 years apart and they still love each other and play together all the time. Age difference does not matter as much as the love and empathy that you nuture in your children. There are plenty of siblings that are spaced 2 years apart and hate each other's guts, and there are plently who are spaced apart the same amount or more or less who are best friends, whether or not the siblings get along has little to do with spacing in my opinion. As for the job, only you know if it is worth it to you and your family to take it. You could always quit if it does not work out for you. Good luck with your decision!

i dont want to tell you to not have another child they are a blessing but with my experience... right now i am pregnant (7 weeks to go) and so far just the cost of getting me clothes that fit around my belly is proving to make money matters worse on us and i dont have a job right now and nobody hires pregnant ladies not matter how much the employer says it dont matter. i tried and i didnt get the job. but anyways. the economy has proven us a little defeated right now and i dont knw how its going to be when baby arrives. so far i have spent around 300 on clothes and i havent even started on stocking up on diapers yet. i would just suggest that you tally up everything even the cost of your weekly gas fill to see if the whole money issue is going to be a deciding factor. me i had no choice. it was a surprise sprung on us at the wrong time.

Hi Amy,
I am glad we decided to have 2 children. My boys are exactly 2 years apart. They are now 12 & 14. My oldest was almost out of diapers by the time the other came along. Sure it is work caring for 2 small ones but what isn't work and the reward is so fulfilling. You can balance your time with both. They will be at different ages so their needs will be different.
As far as continuing working, I am so glad I did. I wanted to quit and stay home when my boys were young so bad. But my job was flexible enough that I could switch to 2nd shift so I had the kids during the day and my hubby had the kids at night. It was important to us to raise them ourselves. When my kids were preschool age, I sent them but that was 3 days a week for 2 hours. They needed that for socialization. It made our marriage stronger too. We both had responsibilities with the kids and the house. Sure we weren't together every night as a whole per say but when it came to our days off together we cherished that time together. Bedtime, meals parks whatever. We both bonded with the kids in our own ways as well as together.
Today, I am so glad I didn't quit my job. I have all my seniority, vacation and perks from my job. What would I have done when the kids went off to school? I would have had to start all over with a job with who knows what hours or days. We live comfortably and we even have a nice nest egg for the boys college future. Sit down and write out the pros and cons of continuing working and of having another child. I think you will find you can do it. Sure there may be some juggling that will have to take place but in the long run, the kids grow up so fast. Enjoy every second of every day. Have faith and be a confident, loving parent. You will do great in whatever you and your hubby decide. :)

The best gift you can give your child is a sibling...

That being said, do you want to go back full time? If you do, then start full time now and whenever the future brings another child you can cut back. If you really cherish the extra time you are allowed to spend together (and really don't want to give it up) because of your part-time status, then stay part-time.

Our daughter was 26 months when our son was born. She adjusted very well. Loved having a baby around but really didn't care what he was doing. Now that he is mobile she is more protective about (what she thinks) is "her" stuff, but that is normal. If I could have changed their spacing I would have had them closer so our daughter would have had less time thinking everything is hers...

Either way, don't let your job decide if or when you have another baby. Talk with your husband and figure out what is best for your family.

I'd say forget worrying about things you can not control and go ahead and have those children you've been dreaming of.

Since the beginning of time there have been economy woes, food crisises, and war, but life goes on. It's inevitable for all of us, whether we choose to have more children or not, jobs may come and go, as may financial hardships. In response to some of the comments posted earlier, I feel it's a terrible shame that in society we've come to feel children are a financial burden. The question we should be asking is what will life be like without them?

Historically, many cultures believed that children and lots of them were a sign of prosperity and of wealth because many children meant hands to help on the farm, male heirs to carry the family name, and daughters to marry in with other families to further their prosperity. Those cultures who put limits on children because they were viewed as burdens to society and competition for food and wealth have historically collapsed and suffered.

Consider the current situation in China, where families are limited to "one child" and no more, for the good of society. There the government put restrictions on families to ensure wealth and food for the entire nation. No one there anticipated the horrible earthquake that has taken so many lives. The big story in the news is that many parents are in terrible shock and mental distress because a large number of the victims were children killed while at school. The video of wailing mothers and fathers is heartbreaking. Many of these families can not physically have any more children because of the laws imposed there.

If truth be told, most of us can live without cars, big houses, spendy vacations, or personal hobbies and sports. Afterall, how often do these "things" really bring us true joy and satisfaction? Some people feel their careers are satisfying, but how satisfying is it when you get a pay cut, dissed by your boss, or have to work long hours and days away from home? How satisfying is it to have a big mortgage and lots of lawnwork and upkeep? None of these "things" can say "I love you". You can't cuddle with these "things". You can not nurture and watch these "things" become wonderful individuals that can change the future world for the better. With the birth of each child, there also is the birth of hope. No, no matter how many people want to keep putting a price and material value on children and the joy of motherhood, the bottom line is you can't. Children are priceless, and those blessed enough to have them are the truly rich.

Don't underestimate the resourcefulness of you and your husband. No matter what happens to the economy, a family grounded in love will find a way to survive and thrive. The best love stories of children and parents are the ones where the obstacles of life (financial hardships, death, illness, etc) were overcome through the power of trust and love. With love anything is possible.

As always plan wisely, frugually, and to the best of your resources and ability, but leave the rest to faith and live your life in hope. With hope, everything will and does fall into place.

Hi Amy -
I think this is great spacing. We spaced our two children 3 years apart. Then our daughter was out of diapers by the time our son was born. That was nice. I thought a lot about having an only child as well. Our logic was that siblings can be such great friends and wonderful support to one another through many of life's roads. Having the patience that you do, I think you could definitely handle it. God Bless. If you want to continue this conversasion, you can email me at ____@____.com

There is nothing greater than watching my children together. They are two years and two months apart and I love the age difference. I'm currently pregnant with #3 and the age difference between my middle and third will be exactly 2 1/2 years. I agree that working full time isn't the best option if you can avoid it, but that's me. If you think you won't be able to get part-time hours once #2 arrives, I'd probably say not to give them up now. Best of luck!

Take the full-time position. Why not? Then go ahead and start trying for your next baby in January...it's 8 months away, and then 9 more months before you have the baby! Plenty of time to work right now. You can switch back to part-time when you have 2 kids.

As stated, this is a most personal decision. If you don't really need the money, your daughter does need you now whether you have a second child or not. If you get pregnant in your ideal Jan/Feb time range, that's almost a year and a half of working full time before baby 2 comes. Can you be open with your boss and state hypothetically if he/she would care if you went ahead with full time now, thus they wouldn't have to train someone new, and then cut back if/when you do have another child? Really their effort would be the same, just delayed.
My kids are 2y9mo. and 2y11mo. apart. The oldest and youngest get along best bc of personality, having nothing to do with spacing. We have middle child syndrome maximized. :(

I do not have an opinion on working, but I wanted to tell you about the spacing of my kids. My husband and I started trying to conceive when our daughter was 1 (right after her b-day actually) and did not actually conceive until a week before her 3rd b-day. I thought a close space would be best, but I am sooo glad I was not able to have my 2nd right away. She turned 4 years, 4 months after our son was born and it has been wonderful. She will be going to 4K in the fall and I will be taking a part-time job as a bus driver and hope to go back to school. I have spoke with friends that have parents 2 years a part all the way to one that has them 8 years apart and the consenses seems to be that the ideal age gap is about 3 years. BUt I look at this as great only because I do not want to go back to work full-time. lol

However, in terms of wanting to get back in the work force, if you want to work, I suppose closer is better.

For you, I would do what is best for you and what you want. Ask yourself if you can afford not to work. For me, I couldn't afford daycare if I was working, so it was not worth it. Also, do you like working? I hated my job. It is a very personal dicision, and one you and your husband should think through. But most important, I think, do you want more kids? Make you family the most important. There will always be time to work, but not always time to have kids and be with your family.

Good luck!

My oldest was an only for 7 years, in those 7 years we played dress up, dolls, play doh and every board game out there. I absolutely loved to have her all to myself all those years; when she was 6 going on 7 we decided on having another child, she was sooo excited when I got pregnant, and now she loves her little sister dearly. The baby follows her around the house and I would actually like to add another one to the clan but I feel I got the best of both worlds, raising an only for a while and now having my two girls.
I would say go for it! I never thought I would want more babies since my oldest was a preemie and those early days were super tough, but now I think I should have started earlier so I could have more!
Good luck and God bless, hope you have a happy healthy pregnancy if you should decide to go for another one.

Ultimately, you have to follow your heart and your head. Life is compromise, and you have to do what you feel is right for your family.

I, personally, would never want just one child. The skills that they teach each other can not be taught anywhere else as effectively. My boys are 19 months apart, and it was really hard in a lot of ways--two in diapers, two in daycare, etc--but I would not change a thing. And both my husband and I work fulltime. There is a lot of shuffling, but it's worth it for us.

my now 2 1/2 year old was 18 months when we had our last baby. I think that they get along better than the older two do. If I could do it over, I would have had all my kids that close. That's just my opinion, what ever you decide will be right for you. good luck

I would say wait. The economy IS kinda tough right now, and, if something did happen jobwise forcing you to put your kids in daycare full time, one is cheaper than two. If you wait a little while, and needed daycare in the near future for some reason, at least your oldest would be a little closer to school age. Another reason to wait a bit (this may seem a little ridiculous), but my kids are grouped close together (a set of older kids and a set of younger kids), and having graduations/college expenses one right after another is tough. I have a little break in between the two sets and boy I am financially looking forward to it when it gets here!

I don't think you should look at this as only 2 options: work or second child. You can go back to work AND still have a second child, either on your original "schedule" or later on. You can decide whether or not you want to stay full time when you have your second child. Plenty of people take maternity leave and then go back to work full time (babysitter is more economical with 2). Plenty of people also have their children 3, 4 or 5 years apart (my brother and I are 6 years apart and have always been very close). You can also talk to your boss and lay out your situation and see what he/she thinks. Most employers would rather have you be honest up front (that you wouldn't want to stay full time if you had another child) than to take the position and then leave again.

My second child is going to be born this summer which will make them about 2 1/2 years apart. Right now I work part time but I have been trying to find a new full time job. My feeling is that I would prefer to get in somewhere and get comfortable doing the job, have my daughter get used to daycare than have to go through those extra transitions after #2. But that's me, and I'm not having a whole lot of luck anyway. My other thought was that while paying for 2 kids in daycare would suck, perhaps the extra income NOW would also help out savings.

I'm not saying this is what you should do too, but maybe I'm bringing up more things for you to think about - like what you want to do AFTER the new baby, whether you'll ever want to be full time, your own money situation, etc. Good luck!

I would not let the economy drive whether or not you have another child. If you really want another child, and you choose not to because we're in a recession, when you are old and grey you might regret it. If you can provide your children with the necessitites of life, go for it!

If I were in this position, I would go ahead and take the FT position. I would then take the difference between my old pay and my new pay and put into a savings account.

You may conceive in January, and you may not conceive until June. Who knows. You probably have a good indication from your first child, but every pregnancy is different. The point is, you may have a fair amount of time to work FT before you actually have your second child. After you do have the baby, you can always negotiate back to reduced hours or maybe it will be time for you to find a different job.

Hi Amy I cant tell you what to do but my girls are 3,11,13 and 16 the space between them is hard yes but more love in the house is always welcome! Save money before the second one it will be alot easyer,go back to work, it may take time to have another baby. Good Luck P.

We can only plan so much in our lives. We have a 9 yr old boy, almost 6 yr old girl and we just had a little girl in January. We debated as well about having another. Each time I look at my littlest, I am so thankful for her and cannot imagine life without her. When deciding whether or not to have a third child, I mainly thought about the future. How different would our family be with another or without another? When my husband and I are older, we wanted to have more family around and realized how much a third child would be a blessing.

So, if you are on the fence about it, I say just wait and think more about it, and pray about it as well. If you feel forced to make a decision about something you are not ready to make (job or child), then my advice is to do nothing and wait until you know what you want.

Good luck.

My children are 2.5 years apart. I am happy with the spacing. I would not have wanted them any closer and they are not to far apart that they do not play with each other. They are not 4 and 6. I have always worked. I had my oldest in a center until she was about 18 months. I had reservations at first, but I did not mind the reality. I did move them to an in home daycare provider and they love it. The love going to play with their friends everyday. I have absolutely no rejects over my decision.

This is what has worked for my family. You are the only one who knows what will work with your family.

My daughters are 1 & 3 - 23 months and 3 weeks apart from each other. I found this spacing to be great. Older one is able to help and hasn't had enough independent time in the world to get too jealous. When I was pg with our second, our pediatrician said that this spacing is good. He said that many times if you wait until the older one is 3, it presents many behavior challenges from the older child. I found it to be a good spacing too, because we still had all of our old baby things, car seats were still current, etc.... My sister and I are 7 years apart and growing up, it was very difficult because we were at two different places in our life. We only became close when we were much older and into our 20's.

I think the most important thing is that you need to do what fits into your lifestyle. We always make sure we give lots of one on one attention to our 3 year old so she understands that she's important too.

I'd go for another child, we had a birthdaughter then struggeled with infertility and adopted our second daugther who is a tremendous gift to us. But I've learned not to take the ability to have kids for granted.