Another Child - Denton,TX

Dear C.,
I would take your husbands view point into definite consideration! I can relate to your openess feeling perfectly happy with having one daughter. If you are seriously considering taking the step to have another child, I would not wait too much longer as the potential sibling will be near a six year age gap difference and this is if you conceive quickly. Make an appointment with your OB to discuss your age factor and any or all other concerns you may have and then make a mutal decision together after having all the facts in hand. I believe if you came from a family with lots of siblings you may not want to have lots of children sharing clothes, parents affection and so on....if you came from being an only child you might be more open to having lots of children surrounding you. There is no right or wrong answer, just what you are comfortable with. As for your original question definitely knowing that you want to have another child? I married my husband and took on raising his son from his first marriage who was six years old. I had a son that was 2 from my first marriage and shortly after we were married I did want to get pregnant. I thought having a baby together would bring our blended family closer. Four years later came son number 4 and yes I wanted that pregnancy too because I wanted a girl so I can understand if your husband wants another go at it for a possible boy. For my own situation, it has been a wild ride but I would not have had it any other way!

Obviously this a decision unique to each couple. My husband and I were opposite of you and your husband -- I never waivered from wanting to have more than one child, but after our daughter was born my husband said he was perfectly fine with just. But I am one of 5 kids and just felt that having siblings was ultimately the best -- even through all the good, the bad and the ugly! So we had another, a girl, and they are 4 1/2 years apart and have never had sibling issues and clearly love each other. So when I suddenly wanted #3, again my husband was on the opposite side of the fence. I didn't beg or plead but ultimately he knew how much I wanted it so we were blessed with daughter #3 who is 12 and 8 years younger than her bigger sisters. And they absolutely love her to death, as do we! Your heart cannot ever be too small to love all of your children. Just think about the way you feel about your daughter and multiple that by 2 (or 3, or 4 . . . ). It is beyond my ability to express in words! And believe me, for all my husband's initial reluctance he absolutely adores his 3 beautiful daughters!

There really is never an easy right or wrong answer to a question like this. All three of my children were "surprise gifts" (I was on birth control with all three, though probably human error on my part was to blame not the method used). We just had our third child two years ago (my third, hubby's fifth) and I had my tubes tied after that, confident that it was the right decision for us (he is about to be 50, I am 33), but since that time, I have had mixed feelings on doing it. There are times when I look at my children and seriously regret closing the door on having anymore children, though I know I am blessed with the wonderful children that I have. Then there are times when I feel like I am being pulled in so many different directions that I feel so completely overwhelmed and wonder why I had them in the first place (these are few and far between but frustrating and guilt inducing none the less). But I knew from a young age that when I grew up and got married, I wanted a big family. It just boils down to what is right for you and your family.

The only one that can ultimately make this decision is you, but I think that you should probably sit down with your husband and have an open and honest talk about it. Give each other a chance to get your feelings, concerns, and wants out on the table and maybe that would help you better. Even though the final decision is yours, I do believe that it is a decision that should be made with your husband.

When I read the 'Positive' on the pregnancy test! Truely, it was something that we had sort of talked about, but never had a strong feeling one way or another. We had one son, and that was fine. Hubby had his son, was happy with that.

Then one day, I realized I was late, took a test, and well.... we now have a boy (8) and a girl (3). Of course, about the 6m of the pregnancy, HE started talking about NOT having anymore. I asked him if I could just get through that pregnancy first before deciding on any future issues.

M.

My husband and I always said we wanted 3-4 kids...

Around six months after having my (now 2.5 year old) daughter, I had baby fever and my son was born 5.5 months ago.

Now, I'm contemplating if we want more....for various reasons (hubby works nights, money, etc).

I KNEW I wanted two because I wanted the kids to be able to play togther, I wanted them each to have someone to lean on when they are older that is blood related, I wanted our family to have more than one child so we could do things as a 'group' (not that you can't with three but IMO, when you have one child, the child is sometimes treated more like an adult than a child in some instances). I didn't really care if we had boys or girls but now that I have one of each, I'm really glad!! I want to be able to care for and watch my two kids grow up!

I am not against having another 1-2 kids but not right now!! Honestly, if we had all the money in the world (okay not all of it but enough that they didn't have to go to daycare and we didn't have to worry about money if we had two more) than I'd be all for it. However, some days when I'm not getting a lot of sleep, I SERIOUSLY reconsider! But I do not think lack of sleep is a good enough reason to not have kids!

I want to stop having kids by the time I'm 36 (6 years away) so I told myself that I have six years to decide if I want more. I do not want more as long as my husband is on a night shift (because I do not want to CHOOSE to raise a large family alone five days a week) and also do not want to try for another until we have our addition added on (live in a 2 bedroom house).....but other than that, i can honestly say I"m not DONE having kids. We may never have more and may decide that we are done, but at this moment, I'm not sure!!!

I think you should write down the pros and cons......I think you would see that there are so many more pros to having a second child. The cons are lack of sleep, more daycare costs, two kids to raise instead of one. But the pros I can't even begin to list...there are too many!

Good luck in your decision!

Definitely discuss with your husband. But, please know that evenif you conceive today, the almost 6 year age difference will be hard. They will not be playmates. I have an only child, 13. I thought I would want more, but when he was about 3, I realized I was complete. Talked to my husband and he felt the same. We have never regretted not having another child. When people starting trying to "guilt" me into another one, I found a great book. "Parenting your only child". It goes through several points about why to have another one and makes you really think about the reasons. It also helps you with advice on raising an only. My son is well adjusted, has many friends, is very close to his cousins and is not spoiled anymore than his friends who have siblings. Good luck!

Personally, I think it enhances a child's life to have sibblings. I did not want to have any children but got pregnant unexpectadly at age 28. I now have 4 kids. It is very demanding on me for sure, but I think the benefits to them are great. They learn how to get along with diffrernt personalities, take turns, cooperate, consider others, share... I feel it's in my heart to have a 5th child, but the reality of the first year after baby is born is overshadowing right now. I have a really hard time emotionally the first year. I don't handle sleep deprivation well. Although my head says I don't want to go through it again, I do think one day I will have another because I just feel it in my heart. Just look deep in your heart and you'll find the answer. It's hard to believe but you would really love another child just as much and think they are the absolute greatest kid ever too. Best wishes.

Never an easy decision. Make sure you and your husband talk, talk and talk some more about the decison. There is no "right" answer. I'd start by asking yourself WHY you do/don't want one more. Ask your husband to really identify WHY he does. Then talk about that. Whatever you decide you can't lose, you sound so happy already! Good luck.

It is a decision that you and your husband need to make together and come to an agreement so that you are both content with your decision. If you are worried about loving another child as much as your daughter (and that can be a common concern), I would not let that worry you. You will love another child just as much and will not be able to imagine life without them once they are born.

Wishing you all the best in your decision!

I decided to have my second child partially because my oldest wanted one soooo much. Also, I have siblings and know how special that relationship is, especially when you are adults. Will your child have any family to turn to after you and your husband pass? That was an important consideration for me. When your older child is the age of your child, they make wonderful helpers and can deal with jealosy much better than when they are closer (in my opinion.) I am so grateful that I have two wonderful girls now. You will not love your children the same. You will have a unique kind of love with each one.

Oh, I think you already know the answer from your question. It's not in your heart to have another child right now from the sound of things. But, is that fair to your husband if he wants another one? We have the same issue - to have a 3rd or not? I want one, he doesn't.

We're going to have to have a long discussion to look at the reasons for each side of the argument. As a couple, it needs to be a decision you make together and that you feel comfortable sharing your points of views freely.

Good luck!

C.,
I understand your feelings. I am a mother of one birth child. I am an only child and always imagined having lots of children but once my son came. I could not understand how I could love another child as much as him and not take any love away from him. Many people told me you just do and it all works out. I later married a man with a daughter and I love her just as much as my own son and they both do not feel any less than the other. I have even asked my son does he feel like I am giving him any less love, time or support than before and he says no he really likes having a sister around all the time. I wish you luck no matter what you do...

T.

Well, I always knew I wanted more than one child. My reasoning was the fact that I can't imagine my life without my brother and my sister and my nieces and nephews. We are all SO close. I'm so close with my sister-in-law that she was my matron of honor in my wedding 10 years ago. If it weren't for my brother...she wouldn't be in my life. =0) I just think about the future, when my parents are gone, I'll still have my siblings and their families. I wanted my children to have the same. To know that they will have eachother when we're long gone from this earth. Kinda deep, I know.........but it's just how my husband and I think of things. We're both so close to our siblings that we just couldn't imagine having an only child. But, to each their own..ya know? You know what feels right for you and your family. You'll get it figured out. ;0)

Here's the best counsel I've ever heard on this topic:

Don't have another child if it will negatively affect the attention, care, time, and physical resources available to your existing child(ren), who are here at your bidding. That total picture will look different for every family, based on energy, health issues, finances, support systems, etc.

I'm glad you're seeking a diversity of opinions that will help you make the best possible decision. So here's mine: At 62 years old, I am watching shocking changes in our environment, and can see staggering challenges mounting almost by the year. I think it's acceptable to replace ourselves with one child (one per parent), but beyond that, we could be fulfilling our desires now at great cost to future generations. And one of those generations could be our own children's.

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best.

Several people commented on the age difference and not being playmates. My first 2 boys are 2 years apart and then there is an 8 year span before the next. Definatively, the first 2 played more together when they were young. When they were 8 & 10 and their brother came along, they were the helpers and doted on him. Once he was pre-teen age, they started playing together a lot more. Now at 19, 27 and 28 they are very close. Good luck with your decision.

I have four amazing children. I can't imagine my life without them. We thought we were done after our third was born. But as they got older I really wanted one more. The first three are about two years apart and the third and fourth are 5 years. I was worried about the age gap between them but its been great its sooooooo much easier having a bigger gap. The way you need to look at it is asking yourself are you going to look back when you are 60 and have any regrets? Once you have a child you can't imagine your life without them. Children are all gifts from God!!! I have plenty of friends that were only children and they all are amazing people. So what ever you and your husband decide I wish you the best!!!

I always think about when my hubby and I are old or sick. Do we really only want all that responsibility on one child. I think if you know you're not DONE, then try for another. I thought it was crazy to think I could share my love with another after having only my son for four years. It happens, though, and we now have three that are our everything!! Best wishes

I have a 15 yr old daughter, only child. We are so blessed.

I knew from day one, planning pregnancy, etc that one child would complete my family. My husband happened to have the same feelings as I did so we never had issues with one parent desiring something different.

We have no regrets about our decision to complete our family at 1 child. I have heard all the hoop-la about her being spoiled, her not having anyone after we die, us not having anyone to take care of us if we are sick and being a burden to her..... First off....we did not have her so that we'd have someone to take care of us when we get old. That would be a very selfish reason to have a child.

Daughter is well cared for and since we are planners, she does not have to worry about us supporting her and making sure she goes through her education and moves away from the nest debt free with strong support from her parents. She also has no worries about feeling obligated to take care of us when we are old. She knows we made all those plans a long time ago.... this is her time to shine and be the bright, beautiful, talented young woman she has become.

It is a personal decision and what is right for one family may seem completely wrong for another. Best wishes whatever your decision may be.

We were in the same boat until one day I was talking to an older friend(early 70's) and she said she loved being an only child but when she was in her late forties both parents died and she suddenly realized she had no one to remember with. She could tell other people about the fun times she and her parents had but no one else was there to remember the fun times. As a result our children are 8.5 years apart but that helped me make the decision. Good luck.

This is a very personal decision. I didn't have my first child until I was 38 and so I had a hard time deciding about a second one. I finally did decide to have another child. I have never regretted my decision. Having one child is much easier, but only children miss out a lot by not having a sibling. Of course, yours would be pretty far apart at this point. My sons are 4 years apart, but they have a great time together. Yes, they fight and argue a lot, but they really love each other. It is nice on family trips for them to have someone to play with.

The other thing to consider (which is scary) is what if you lost a child? This would be terribly sad, but a comfort to have another child. I also hated to think about when we were old and needed care, what a comfort it would be to have two kids to share the burden. Of course, there are lots of scheduling difficulties with two sets of activities. I don't know how parents with 4 or more kids do it. But I think that children that have siblings grow up less selfish and more prepared to deal with others. That is not to say that all children would be that way. We have friends that have only one son and he is a great kid.

It will be a big shock for you since your daughter is already 5 to start all over with the baby stuff. My friends insisted on having a shower for me with my second child, since I had given a lot of stuff away. That night I sat and looked at all the stuff and cried! I had forgotten what all you need for a baby. But since your daughter is much older, she will probably be a big help and really enjoy having a baby brother or sister.

Good luck and do what you feel in your heart is right for you.

It was so nice to read all the responses to your question! Here is my experience. I had my daughter, and was so happy to keep it at one child. She was my world. I never imagined haiving children, and then suddenly my heart was full with this little girl and I had never been happier. Then, when my daughter was 4 my younger sister became terminally ill and died. The feelings I had during her illness, of closeness, love, sharing, made me realise that I wanted another child so my daughter could have this closeness with a sibling. That was it, decision made. I went on to have another daughter and two sons. The age gap is large, but it has never been a problem. They are all best friends. Plus it's true that you just seems to have more love to spread between them, no-one does without! Good luck on your decision!