August 09, 2007,
S.R. asks from Toledo, OH on August 08, 2007
I want a second chil but my fiance doesnt atleast not right now...we ahev a 2 yr old littel boy who gets lonely and i would like him to have a playmate.Well we just found out that his brother and sister in law are ahving another baby.they have a girl the same age as our son. I feel awkwardly upset about it. I knwo its wrong but i want a baby so badly and i hate taht they are having one and i am like this with everyone that has a baby even our best friends that recently had one. why is this any suggestions how to get him into having a second child?
M.R. answers from Cincinnati on August 09, 2007
It takes two people to make a baby, and both of those people need to be ready. Also you mention that you want a girl. What happens if you don't get a girl? What happens if your fiance doesn't want a baby but you get pregnant anyway? Have you thought out all the possible scenarios if you don't "get what you want"?
As far as your 2 year old "getting lonely" have you tried to make playdates with friends or getting involved in childrens' classes, park programs, or library story time? There are many ways to provide him with social opportunities without making another baby.
Wait til you get married. If your fiance doesn't want a child now and you force the issue he could be resentful and it could cause a major strain in your marriage. It could possibly end up where you don't get married, end in a divorce, or the marriage isn't happy because he feels 'forced'. Think of the impact that could have on not just one child now but two.
You need to have a long talk with your fiance. Having children is not all about what 'you' want but what the 'two of you' want. It's not just your life that changes; his does too.
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K.H. answers from Columbus on August 09, 2007
Ok, here is just my personal opinion. Enjoy your little boy for now and wait.
In early 2004, my husband and I were engaged and found out we were pregnant. So we hurried and got married just before our daughter was born. 8 months later we got pregnant again. So I was pregnant at the wedding and on our 1 year anniversary. It was soooo stressful and I wished i'd have waited longer to have both.
I say wait about a year and see how you feel. Whether you are married by then or not doesnt matter, but it's a lot easier financially (at least we thought so) in having the kids, especially the 2nd, to be married. My girls are 17 months apart--and I know even if you got pregnant today, yours would be further apart. All i'm saying is, wait until your son is older and can help out more and is more independant. I really felt like I had 2 babies. We sometimes refer to ours as "the twins."
Also, last but not least, you and your fiance are in a partnership...that's what relationships are. So, if you wind up pregnant before he's ready, he's likely to resent you, the baby or both. You do not want that. My hubby recently told me he's not sure he wants more (we agree to one more--in about 2 years), and this just shocked me. I really really want one more, but I told him if he really really didnt, that i'd respect that. No one can tell you what is right but you and your fiance, so it's totally your decision and the question of when is between you two. This is just my opinion and what I found to be right in my own experiences...Good Luck!!!!
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S.S. answers from Cleveland on August 09, 2007
Being a mom is the most awesome experience. I agree with you, having four children myself. However, it is not something that it is good to do alone. If your fiance is not ready for another child, then he is not ready. Relationships are difficult enough without the added stress of making someone do something they do not want to do and imagine bringing another child into that situation. Children are so sensitive, they really do know when something is not right. Enjoy your little boy while he is the one and only. Join a play group to give him playmates. We often take our little girls and spend time with them individually because we know how important that one on one time is. Once a second child arrives, they don't get that very often. Also, I might as well come out and say it, your relationship with your fiance will be affected in so many ways as well. You might want to wait until you are married to have a second child. Relationships are tough no matter how you cut it and the last thing that you'd want to happen is for yours to end with you having to be the sole caregiver of two children let alone one. Just some thoughts for your consideration. I know how difficult is to be a single mom as well. It is not easy when all that responsibility is mostly on one shoulder. There are feelings of resentment, guilt and tons of other things and you never want your children to experience those. You are in my prayers...
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A.M. answers from Columbus on August 09, 2007
I agree with the previous poster. There is a reason why your fiance doesn't want a child. Try to find out why. You may want to have a heart to heart and discussion of what you both want in life, etc. before making the commitment to get married.
i know how you feel about being jealous though. it's a terrible feeling. it seemed like everyone in my husbands family was having babies when i was having trouble conceiving and waiting and waiting. try to focus on the things you do have, like a beautiful little boy! how wonderful is that!?
do not get pregnant accidentally though, could mess up a lot of things.
C. answers from Cleveland on August 09, 2007
As much as you want a playmate for you little boy I'd advise you to wait, really until you have been married for a year. This isn't really the advise you asked for but... wait until he is ready to have another child. If having another child is more important than being with him then you need to find someone else. My husband and I dated for two years, lived together for most of that time and the first year of marriage was still very hard. No matter how well you know each other it is still an adjustment. We have two children (15 months apart) and we very rarely get time for each other. It can really affect a relationship. We usually take vacation days from work and let the kids go to daycare just so we can have some time alone even if we just go shopping or work on a project at home. And if he isn't really ready for another one... you may end up caring for both on your own.
K.M. answers from Columbus on August 09, 2007
This should become a *serious* topic of dicussion before you get married. Down the raod it could ruin your relationship. I agree that you and he should discuss the reasons why he doesn't want another child right now. Maybe he wants to wait until AFTER you're married- the commitment may not seem real to him yet at this point. Men can be funny creatures.
As far as being jealous is concerned, I understand. In fact, I have a good friend that was having problems conceiving when I got pregnant with my first. Although she told me she was happy for me, and I really think she was, I knew it was very hard for her. But just think, when you do decide, as a couple, to expand your family you might be the ONLY one you know to be pregnant at the time and you can have the limelight to yourself! :)
If you're worried about your son having a playmate, you could take him to parks & playgroups. Those are good places for kids to make friends. It also sounds like his cousin might be a perfect friend for him. Could you and your in-laws take turns having the kids over to each others' houses?
I also noticed you mentioned you wanted to try for a girl. If you do get pregnant again, don't be suprised if you have another boy.
My best advice at this point would be to enjoy the wonderful gifts you've been given. You have many years to have more children so there's no need to rush. Once you're more settled, I think your fiance might reconsider. Until then, find out what his thoughts are and try to compromise on when the "best" time for another child would be.
N.D. answers from Cincinnati on August 09, 2007
Honestly, I think pushing someone to have a child when they arent' ready is not a good thing. I know couples that have broken up b/c one in the couple felt "forced" to be ready for another child when they weren't. I know it's hard when you really want a baby. We are currently trying for our second but having lots of fertility problems this time around and we may not be able to have another. I really want a second as well, but that just might not be in God's plan for us. That's upsetting for me, but I have to find a way to accept it.
As hard as it is, try and back off wanting another child just yet. It sounds like you all have so much going on right now. Perhaps just giving it some time will help and focus on your son. I'm sure your fiance will come around, especially after your brother and sister in law have another baby and your finance sees its not a huge change. sometimes its the fear of the unknown, or being comfortable in your current routine. perhaps once he sees that its manageable he will feel differently.
K.P. answers from San Francisco on August 09, 2007
if it helps at all the jealous thing is really normal, i had my tubes tied 4 years ago and i still get jealous when my friends have babies, it's not even that i really want another one, we have 4, but the idea is always so nice. so it most certainly isn't just you. as for your fiance, everyone's already said it, you need to figure out why he feels this way before you really try to change his mind. is it financial, is he worried about having less time for you and the son you already have, is it a matter of space? relationships cahnge dramatically with children, not to mention the finacial burden they bring to a house and while most women are happy to give up a few things to have more kids, men have a harder time, they think that the only way to have another child is to me able to still maintain everything they have now and do it. not to mention how much of a strain a newborn puts on a relationship, you've been through it once and things probally still aren't the same as they were before baby number 1 but they are probally getting closer and closer to what was normal or at least you've found a pattern that works for the two of you, but men are men they think about sex all the time, they really do and it's hard for a man to say hey sure i'll give all that up again, it's really a lot of stress on a man when his SO wants a baby or even another baby, and the transition between one child and two is as hard as the transition between no children and one. once you hit three you don't even notice though, lol, i thik that's why once ppl get past that second baby they have several more. lmao. regardless talk to him and try to understand how much pressure this is on him, men are funny, maybe you can reach a desicion that works for both of you. good luck.
A.S. answers from Lima on August 09, 2007
I think it is a bad idea to try to push someone into having a child (esp a second one) if they are not ready. You should talk to him about why he doesn't want one yet. If the issues are time, money, ect then you should definately wait. Do not, under any circumstances, "accidentally" get pregnant. That is a huge trust issue that may never be repaired. You may just have to be happy for the others having babies right now, and soak up the spotlight when you are pregnant again later.