Angry with Unsupportive Husband

he will never be there for when she really needs him. He is mean, selfish. She needs to come to the reality that these two phrases define her relationship. Dont get over the feelings, get over the relationship. Trust me her life with be a lot easier. Or she can wait until her father is in the hospital dying and her selfish mean husband she has forgiven in the past decides that he is not getting enough attention and packs up and moves to Montana for his job... leaving her to deal with three kids, a grieving mother and a dying father. I watched my sister in law go through this she didnt let him back in the house she is much much better off

It sounds like they could benefit from some counseling and some open, honest, mature conversation.

Without understanding WHY he is unsupportive, it's hard to give any help. Does she know why he was unsupportive? Does he even realize he was being unsupportive? Have they talked about this?
My husband was pretty unsupportive of my first pregnancy. I felt rejected in that aspect of our lives. But, if I just let him ignore my being pregnant he was fine. There were issues with him over my pregnancy that I didn't find out for a long time. But communication IS the key. You have to be willing to open up. There is a baby involved now, so it's important to improve the relationship so she can leave the anger and hurt behind.
Good luck to her.

I feel like I was in the same boat.... with an angry and unsupportive husband in general. We were finally at the end of our rope, and I was seriously thinking about leaving. He decided to get help from a psychiatrist, and we started marital counseling as well. It has been such a huge change, and they key is that he was willing and ready to make changes in his life. I don't know where your friend lives, but I highly recommend our counselor in Littleton, CO. PM me for a name and number.

When working on myself, and in the work I do with other women, the focus is changed from the "other" (like the "mean" husband) and brought back to Self. There is Nothing any of us can do to change another person. Your friend will best be served by focusing on the things in her life that are creating her situation.

We know that we create our reality out of our belief systems. Many times we are completey unaware of these beliefs. These beliefs can be things like "I'm not good enough", "I am unloveable", etc.

One of my core belief systems was that "I am indadequate". Within that I believed, since my teen years, that other girls/women were better than me. I thus drew in relationships in which I was abused or cheated on.

I was married for 17 years (now divorced for 6 years). In my marraige, I did everything in my power to change his cheating behaviors. I did all the "right" things. I scheduled dates, gave him cute little notes, "loved" him, tried to be perfect, etc. None of it worked because he wasn't interested in change and it isn't possible for anyone to change another person.

Also, I was so focused on changing him that I wasn't looking at my own enabling and destructive behaviors. I was severely depressed which made it almost impossible to be "perfect" and therefore I would constantly beat myself up which would just create more depression. I was listening to the viscious voice in my head and nothing in my life could have gotten better.

My life transformed when I took responsibility for my own well-being, released trying to be responible for everyone else's well-being, and started resourcing myself through counseling, groups, friends, dancing, journaling, self-care, hot chocolate, lots of kleenexes, extensive reading, seminars, etc.

The best thing that we can do when a friend is in these situations is to support instead of trying to fix. We can listen and reflect. We can be a shoulder. We can hold a space for them to vent without feeding their anger. We can support them in self-care with little things like supplying their favorite tea or giving a gift certificate for a massage or manicure. Sometimes we can watch their children so they can have some time to themselves or help them seek out a good babysitter so they can get some professional support. The key is thinking "support" rather than "fix it". There is nothing that is "broken". There is just an opportunity for growth, understanding, awareness, and transformation.

Best wishes to your friend and to you in supporting her and being the compassionate friend you are. T.

I have been through this many times with my husband. Talking in the past did not help, but it does now.

I actually left my husband because of his unsupportiveness and downright rudeness toward me and the kids. After about 6 months of separation, he learned to fix what he was doing to drive me away & is much more supportive, helpful and appreciative now.

I do not recommend this as a solution, but it is the ONLY thing that helped our relationship.

I hope she can get some idea of what to do. The main thing I recommend is COMMUNICATE about her feelings to him.

Have a GREAT day!

S.

sounds like she needs to tell all of this to her husband--and if they need someone to mediate it needs to be a chaplain, or therapist. not a friend from either side.
couples set up their dynamics. they have built that relationship together--they need to work things through as a couple. as much as we on the outside want to fix things we can't.
I encourage my friends to look into www.marriagebuilders.com and check out Dr. Harley's books. If they want things to change they have to focus on themselves first, meaning what are they doing to make sure their spouse feels loved and fulfilled in the relationship, as a general rule the more we feel love the more we give love. Check out the 5 love languages, learn his love language, his dialects and speak it, and then help teach him what yours are as well.
he might be spending times with the kids playing feeling like he's spending quality time with the other kids--or if it's a first time dad maybe not knowing what to do.
if she isn't expressing to him exactly what she needs it isn't his fault he isn't giving it to her.
and it always goes both ways. also this soon after a baby...make sure she doesn't have some PPD going on that distorts everything.

If she has experienced any addiction (by her husband, family members, or even close friends), she can try al-anon which is a support group for people who have had to deal with addiction in their lives. I grew up with emotionally abusive (although not addictive) parents, and ended up marrying an addict. The feelings of resentment, anger and disappointment are very common in family members of addicts and al-anon has been invaluable to me as a free resource to help learn how to get out of that cycle, stop relying on others to make me happy and release the resentment. It is like free therapy and the people I have met there have saved my sanity during this difficult year of coming to terms with my husband's patterns of addiction.

If she doesn't have addiction in her family, she can still check out al-anon literature, as its message is universal and so helpful.

Good luck, L.

I think as women, we tend to support our friends by jumping to their defense, a good thing. Your friend is married to a man you described as mean, selfish and unsupportive. This is her husband. The man she married and the man she chose to have children with.

I think that the way we help a friend let go of the anger is to quit agreeing with the difficulties we see in their marriage, or with their children, parents, etc. and encourage them by pointing out the positive. Her husband has gotten "a little better." This is progress.

There are no instruction manuals. Sometimes while we are feeling unsupported, our spouse is feeling the same way. It is hard to go through a difficult trial and not feel supported, but my guess is she has women friends to be supportive in the areas her husband is working on.

The great thing is that we have the power to encourage and strenghthen one another and to build up the marriages of those that we love and care about.

When your friend starts to talk about the hurt and disappointment focus on the little bit of improvement and help her to embrace that as well.

This is really hard.
I don't know all the circumstances here, he could just be really mean and selfish, and she is just starting to notice now that she really needs him, or it could be a combination of things. Hormones affect you when you are pregnant, she could have interpreted his behavior a bit differently because of all the intense hormones.
Also her husband could have been reacting, unhealthily, to the stressful situation of a diffficult pregnancy. Maybe her husband doesn't know how to deal with his emotions and all the changes. When my husband gets worried, sometimes his first response is anger or just being defensive and uptight. I have learned that he is not really angry but that is his initial reaction to the stress. If I respond with defensiveness and anger it escalates the situation. But if I let him vent, even if i don't agree, and often wait until he has eaten if his blood sugar is low, then we can eventually deal with the real issue.
I sometimes feel angry and disappointed with my husband when he doesn't help me the way I think he should. This is how I deal with it. I know that my husband loves me, he just shows it in different ways than I would like sometimes. So when I am feeling like he is not being as helpful as I would like I remind myself that he goes to work everyday to a job that he hates and the only reason he does it is to support me and our new daughter. He feels like this is a huge sacrifice, which it is and I need to remember to thank him for it. I also neeed to remember that he gets stressed out to and I have learned to recognize when he is dealing with stress and when he is really angry about something.
When our duaghter was born he was great for the first week and then he went through this really really distant phase. He needed time to deal with the changes alone I think, and he felt a sudden urge to focus more on work and he became really stressed out about being a provider. The key is to really try to understand your partner and communicate. Learn what he thinks he is communicating to you.
Another thing is to focus on the positive things your husband does. That helps you be less angry. Write him notes about what you love about him. Focusing onthe good things will help you not blow the bad tings out of proportion. Remember that, although its hard to do when you feel hurt and slighted that there are usually two sides to the story, Take a look at what you are doing. I often ask myswelf, am I being rational and reasonable here? Sometimes i have had to admit to myself that I am not, and sometimes I have to insist that I am. The best way to get over being angry at someone is to do something nice for them.
Also, pray for the ability to forgive. That is a big one. Pray to forgive and to be able to let go. Holding on often hurts you more than it hurst the other person. You can't just forget about it, youhave to work through it but you have to be able to let go and I know that I have neeed the Lord's help with that.
Try having your friend and her husband read The Five Languages of Love.
Now again, if his behavior is not just a phase or a problem of miscommunication than they should really seek counseling. And maybe it would help anyway.
I also agree with those people who have talked about not getting in the middle of it. They need to communicate to each other, not just find someone that they can vent to about each other's faults. This is not healthy. NOt that she can't discuss problems but I hope you know what I mean.
Good luck.

I went through a very similar experience. I think it was far worse, though. It is very hard to let go of the hurt, especially when your husband never apologizes or otherwise shows that he feels bad about what he did.
First thing is something my mom said. She told me "you've got to get this poison out!" I had to talk with someone. At first, it felt really good to talk with my friends, but after a while, i felt I needed to talk to someone who could DO something about it! Granted, I knew my husband was suffering from a personality disorder, so I wanted to talk to someone who could do something about addressing his mental issues. But talking to a counselor helped me immensely. She helped me sort out what was normal behavior for him and what was just plain mean or hurtful. After being hurt so much and so often, you sort of find everything he says or does to be hurtful.
I also read a lot of articles about forgiveness. I am LDS, and LDS.org has a lot of resources for that. At first, I just had excuses why I didn't or couldn't forgive my husband. I would say, "but this is different!" and would harden my heart and couldn't forgive him. But I persisted in reading the articles, and eventually a few got through to me.
The counselor also helped me understand things from my husband's point of view. It helped me not overreact to some of the things he says.
And as horrible as this sounds, even after things were much better and my husband was actually acting decent, I had to pray for help to not hate him. Because even after you pull all the darts out of a piece of wood, there are holes in it. There are wounds that take time to heal, and even after that, there are scars that remind you of the pain. You still remember! I went through 4 years of absolute torture when my husband was mean, violent, and totally cuckoo in the head. I had to be patient with myself. It's been a year since he really improved and got to the point where he only has crazy episodes twice a month or so. Sometimes I still can't stand to be near him.

Your friend probably can't do this quite yet, but I just started something that is helping both my husband and me. I put a dry erase board (actually, to be pretty, it's a large photo frame with a white piece of paper in it, and we write on the glass) by the door from our bedroom to our bathroom. I write something positive about him, thank him for something he did, or even apologize for something on it. At first he scoffed and said, "What, is the the 'Positive Affirmation Board?'" But he started writing sweet things on it, too. For example, when I wasn't feeling well and he was up working late, he took his computer downstairs and tucked me in bed so I could sleep even though he still had to be up. I told him how sweet it was. I don't think he realized how much I appreciated it until I wrote it down. Best of all, it encourages similar behavior in the future! But mostly, it keeps things positive in our marriage. There's so much to complain about, so many negative thoughts that run through my head, even a year later. But that board makes me stop and think of something good about him. And it makes him feel better about himself. When people feel good about themselves, they feel better about other people and treat them better.

As difficult as their behavior sometimes makes it, men need to feel like Superman to their wives. When they don't deserve that title and don't feel it from their wives, they decide they can't even try anymore. It's a downward spiral. Building them up is a great way to get them to behave better, even though you just want to kick 'em to the curb.

These are all very difficult lessons I've learned over the past 4 terrible years. It's hard to let the anger go, but if you make it a goal to let it go, and allow yourself enough time, you CAN do it. The specific things I've mentioned help you do it.

By the way, it also helps to know that someone else has gone through the same thing, that you're not the only one who somehow ended up married to a jerk. And to all those people out there who are judging this girl for marrying a jerk, I can tell you that people aren't always who they seem. My husband was not a jerk when I married him. People hide things about themselves when you're dating. They're on their best behavior. But everything comes out after you've been married a while, and ESPECIALLY when times get tough (like a difficult pregnancy). AND people change, too. People are always changing, and it's not always for the best. Being married doesn't exempt anyone from changing!

actually you have to stay out of this. It is between her and her husband. She can go to therapy. She can ask him to go to therapy. It is their business. You can be a good friend and listen when she wants a friend to talk to. That's about it. It's not your business to suggest what she should do - you're not a professional, and the husband might rightly think you are interfering in their lives. As a marriage therapist, it's not something I suggest people do. I know you want to help your friend and it says a lot about how good a person you are, but it's not really the best thing to do.

If he was mean, selfish and unsupportive, he's probably always been that way, and she's starting to realize that it's a problem.

That's not something that can easily be fixed. Literally, the guy would have to go to a therapist and say, "I've been a nasty bastard my whole life -- what was I thinking?" and then learn completely new behaviors. It's unlikely that a mean person would ever do that.

I'm sorry that this is a difficult situation for your friend.