21 answers

Angry Vindictive 18 Yr Old Girl

I live with my boyfriend who has an 18 yr old girl. lives with her Mother, but visits weekly for dinners. She does not like me, is very disrespectful to both her Father and myself, and is in general an angry unhappy young lady. After a recent family get together a hand towel disappeared, the next day as I looked everywhere for it, I found in her empty room hamper. She had wiped her butt with it instead of toilet paper...I'm appalled.

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thank you for the feedback, both positive and negative, it was quite helpful. There are no easy answers, but I can tell you that I have bent over backwards to try to have this girl like and accept me. I can't help the fact her mother had an affair years ago and Dad has moved on. Mom should have thought about the family before she screwed around!!
She refuses to counsel however, I am...this behavior from an 18 yr old...or anyone visiting in OUR home will not be tolerated. By the way, I raised very successful children by myself...with trust, respect, rules and lots of love.

Featured Answers

The bigger question is what is going on in her life that leaves her unhappy. Perhaps dad can take her to dinner alone and spend time rebuilding the relationship.

6 moms found this helpful

You might want to take a step back and let her have a relationship with her father only. You are 'the girlfriend' so his adult daughter has decided not to have a relationship with you. That's her choice. On the nights she's going to be there just leave the house and find something else to do. It'll give the daughter time to spend with her father which is the most important thing. Maybe you could suggest them going out to dinner once a week which will give you a little alone time.

5 moms found this helpful

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How do you expect your boyfriend to punish an adult daugther who doesn't live with him? She clearly has issues, but this isn't a discipline problem. It's years too late for that, she's not a child. If I were you, I would just not be there for her visits. She clearly wants nothing to do with you, and that's fine. You're not married to her dad so you're not family. I would encourage your bf to spend his weekly visits with his daugther alone, just the two of them. No reason to subject yourself to her immaturity - let him deal with her, he's the parent.

11 moms found this helpful

No, you don't punish her and neither does her father. She's 18. You should have simply taken things from her hamper and dumped it in the washing machine or trash. The type of confrontation you're thinking of shouldn't be occurring.

The problem I'm having with this post is that you're only giving us this very limited snapshot and are asking us to judge this young girl based on this single action. There's no history given about her relationship with her father or with you or anything.

The more important relationship ought to be father and daughter. No matter what else, he needs to maintain that relationship with her because how he behaves and treats her and shows her he loves her is going to be the basis for how she chooses men in the future, and how she treats her children when she has them.

What you did say was key... you live with your boyfriend. That sounds to me like you're in HIS home. The fact that she has her own room there tells me that it's HIS home. If it were your home I have a feeling you wouldn't allow a room for her. Think about that. That girl knows she's not welcome with you. And now you have her father treating her the way YOU want him to treat her. Not very kindly.

10 moms found this helpful

Good Heavens, she's a guest in your house. Why would you "confront" her? Would you react the same to another guest? Like your mother or your sister, for example? Would you punish THEM?

In all likelihood she was too embarassed to tell you about it and had no way to hide it. Geez.

I would think your stance on this would be CONCERN as to why she might have bleeding.

Why even have her over if you're going to treat her like a criminal, or worse still, a 5 year old?

Why doesn't she just spend time with her Dad outside the house, like lunch once a week, movie, bowling ect.?

I'm guessing she will be out of your life soon as no one is MAKING her be in it.

More likely however, they'll both be out of your life soon. Generally speaking if forced to choose sides, a man will choose his daughter over his girlfriend. At least I'd HOPE so. If not, that might explain WHY she's "angry and vindictive".

:(

8 moms found this helpful

The bigger question is what is going on in her life that leaves her unhappy. Perhaps dad can take her to dinner alone and spend time rebuilding the relationship.

6 moms found this helpful

You can't "punish" an adult weekly dinner guest in your home. Clearly, she has issues, but she's 18, not 8. If another dinner guest did this what would you do? My guess is not have that person over to dinner again. What she did is gross and disrespectful. An adult should know better. Your boyfriend should know how upset you are by her actions. I would ask him to consider meeting her somewhere in public once a week for dinner, breakfast, or coffee, instead of having her for dinner in your home. If he does not like that idea, then I would make myself not home when he invites her. He can cook and clean for her if he chooses. I would not. She owes you an apology, not just laughing it off.

6 moms found this helpful

You might want to take a step back and let her have a relationship with her father only. You are 'the girlfriend' so his adult daughter has decided not to have a relationship with you. That's her choice. On the nights she's going to be there just leave the house and find something else to do. It'll give the daughter time to spend with her father which is the most important thing. Maybe you could suggest them going out to dinner once a week which will give you a little alone time.

5 moms found this helpful

Guess what? She's 18 so that makes her an adult. It's unfortunate that she acted like a 5 year old, but she's not 5 so she can't be punished.

Your boyfriend could tell her that she's won't be welcome at your house if she continues to act like that.

Or you could tell your boyfriend that you're not interested in being around his daughter when she acts like that.

You have no obligation to spend time with her. If it were me, I would make dinner plans with friends on the nights she comes over, or go out shopping, or ask the boyfriend to meet his daughter at a restaurant instead of having her over to the house until her attitude improves.

4 moms found this helpful

I don't have much to add after reading the other responses, everyone else pretty much said it...but I will add, just for humor, you should have rubbed the hand towel on her nose like you do a bad dog.

4 moms found this helpful

Wow, what a piece of work.

You don't have a say in this. She is a hot mess and her father doesn't know what to do about it. It would be helpful if he went to a teen counselor with her.

She may be the AGE of an adult, but she's not an adult. An adult doesn't act like this.

You should step back and let him deal with her with no comment. You also need to be respectful of her. If you actually plan on marrying this man and being part of the family, then you had better not burn your bridges with her. If you do, then you are partly consigning him to losing his daughter. That's not fair of you. You're supposed to be the adult.

Maybe this isn't what you want to hear, but you really need to care that she gets help, that he be part of helping her, and for them to have a relationship when he is much older.

4 moms found this helpful

How do you punish an 18 year old who doesn't live in your home? You don't, punishing her is only going to breed more resentment, is that really what you want?

Sometimes when dealing with an angry, ornery child (regardless of age) the best course is to take a less is more action. Do not let them see that they are getting under your skin, use humor where you can, and do not make it a battle. You will almost always loose, cause they have the stamina to carry it on for however long they feel they need to.

You are her fathers girlfriend, you do not really get a say. She's an adult, she is his child, you aren't even a step parent. That puts you in the position of low man on the totem pole. I'm not saying that to be mean, that's just the truth.

3 moms found this helpful

wow if a towel went "missing" i wouldnt go searching for it and confront a guest. How embarassing for her=(
Why arent you more concerned with how to help her out of a depression (if she is unhappy all of the time) instead of yelling about a towel she put in the dirty hamper when it was in fact dirty?

3 moms found this helpful

Interesting. Your title says, angry and vindictive. Which one are you describing, the 18 yr old or you?

It was inappropriate what she did but it's the kind of thoughtless, immature thing a teen would do, especially if she doesn't do her own laundry. That's a thought. Make her do a bag of laundry, it connects to the "crime".

Other than that, you haven't got a dog in this race. It's not your child. It's not your responsibility to disapline, in fact that's almost over for everyone. You can try treating her like an adult, who had people floating in and out of her life and imposing their ideas.

You can impose health boundaries on how she can treat you, or speak to you, calmly. You can't yell at her like a child. You can talk about your new boundaries and the consequences you choose when they are crossed.
Talk them over with your bf. Stop your anger before it happens, then you wont feel compelled to be vindictive.

3 moms found this helpful

Looks like perhaps you digging for reasons to be angry with her is what is driving her anger. Sorry but if someone is out to see no good in me I am certainly not going to look for reasons to like them.

Relationships are a two way street ya know!

3 moms found this helpful

Unfortunatly if she's 18 there is not much punishing you can do!!!!! It's good your bf was willing to confront her. Sounds like she has major issues. I would tell him until she can act right when you get with her you don't want it to be in your house. As you can't trust what she might do. Other than that there is not much that can be done. Sounds to me like the girl needs couniling but forcing an 18 year old to go woudl not be easy.

2 moms found this helpful

You can not really punish an 18 year old, but if she is disrespectful and rude just stop inviting her over.

2 moms found this helpful

The days of punishing her are long over (if it ever happened at all). She's 18 and she doesn't live in your home. What is it that you would like for him to do?

It sounds like the ENTIRE situation is very dysfunctional. Perhaps it's time to limit the visits or encourage her father to visit with her outside of your home.

For what it's worth, I would notice a hand towel missing. Why? Because I put out the "nice ones" when we have company!

2 moms found this helpful

This is not an issue with her - it's an issue with her father (your boyfriend).

You have decisions to make based on how he handles all this. But once he shows you his way of having a relationship with his daughter, don't complain about it down the road. Either accept it or walk away from the whole deal.

JMO.

ETA: And obviously you can't "punish" another adult.

2 moms found this helpful

It's pretty hard to punish an 18 year old. Bottom line, they can legally just walk out the door. This is a problem for all time - what to do with angry 18 year olds!

Since she is 18, if I were you, I would tell dad to either tell her to check her attitude at the door or not come for the dinners any longer. She's not a child; she is a young adult and dad no longer HAS to put up with her BS. It's time she learned that from this point forward, her relationship with her parents will be based on her treatment of them. They do not have to stand for poor treatment by her any longer.

1 mom found this helpful

It is up to her father to set down the rules and demand to be treated better. I would've made her was the towel by hand.

1 mom found this helpful

That's up to her father to 'punish' her if he so chooses, not you, his live-in girlfriend. And it's pretty difficult to determine if she's really angry and vindictive based on your paragraph. Sounds like there's more to this than you've shared.

1 mom found this helpful

If this really happened then I think you both need help. Who keeps track of hand towels and then if it is missing actually searches for it? On the other hand, using a hand towel instead of toilet paper and leaving it for you to find is sick. Very dysfunctional.

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