October 27, 2010,
R.G. asks from San Clemente, CA on October 23, 2010
Anger Management? - San Clemente,CA
I think I have a problem controlling my anger sometimes! Just the slightest thing can set me off into infuriation!!! I have NOT always been like this.. I think it started when my husband and I gained custody of my 2 neices.. at first I felt sorry for them so I was overly loving and giving.. then they seemed to be spoiled and unthankful, my husband and I started having problems and now it seems I am bitter! I am 6 months pregnant and need to control my anger before my child gets here! I DO NOT want to be so condesending and bitter!! What are some ways to help me not want to RIP heads off in the middle of a 5 year old melt down cuz she is BEYOND tired or when my 9 year old neice is asking me a million questions and I just want peace and quiet!!!?? HELP!
T.M. answers from Bakersfield on October 23, 2010
The fact that you actually realize you are having anger issues means that your problem is about 75% solved already ;)
You just gotta put yourself in check, take a breath, ask yourself if getting mad, upset, mean or whatever is gonna make you feel better? I'm sure the answer will be NO.
I'd sit the 9 yr old niece down and have a woman to woman talk with her... she can be your best ally since she's 9 and can be very useful to you. Treat her like a big girl, and then expect big girl behavior from her.
You coddled them a bit too much in the beginning maybe, but it is not too late to change the game plan. They live in your home, you are the acting parentals.... so parent them, dont cripple them by treating them differently out of pity.
Everyone should have their chores and you should have your quiet time for yourself every day. I used to call it "my hour of silence". And everyone knew to leave me alone and not ask me anything for an entire hour.
You are hormonal, that's part of the 25% left in your anger problem.
You will be okay, just get a grip.... have a cup of tea. Stress rubs off on everyone in the household, don't be contagious.
7 moms found this helpful
M.. answers from Ocala on October 23, 2010
I respect you for seeing that you have a problem with anger and that you want to get help. You are brave to post this. I hope that you only get positive responses.
I wish you the best in everything you want to do.
Love all over your husband ( he needs it ) and it will make you and your baby feel wonderful.
Remember there is a season for everything and this shall pass.
God bless you and your family.
6 moms found this helpful
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R.J. answers from Seattle on October 23, 2010
The biggest upside is that this is ACTUALLY most likely hormonal.
Some women get a version of depression (like PPD) DURING their pregnancies (like me'self). Others descend into wrath and rage. MOST get the happy/glowy thing. SO didn't get that. I was suicidal from around 5pm-6pm for 9 months. Every single flipping day. (In our family, it's actually called "the suicide hours"... the point that arrives each and every single durn day where you just want to die. I didn't know this wasn't common outside my family until later OR that there are antidepressants which are safe to take during pregnancy... which could have evened me out).
Hormones are big scary heavy hitting things. They can cause murderous or suicidal mood swings which are NO joke. The whole "get over it" or "just take a breath" thing just doesn't work, because your brain chemistry is seriously screwed up for no other reason *except* for your hormones being wonky.
Talk with your doc. You may have a VERY easy fix for your sudden onset rage.
And yes... the MOMENT my son was born I started feeling like MYSELF again. Untold, unimaginable relief. Each and every single day that passed, more and more like myself. Until I was actually ME again. (Day one was about a 70% difference, and then it just creeped after that).
Looking at it that way... I'd far rather have pregnancy induced depression, rather than PPD. PPD has no definable end in sight, and it can last for as little as a few months up to a couple of years. The much more rare kind that strikes during pregnancy, however, has a real definable "end" date.
Talk with your doctor, pronto. You and your family don't have to be suffering through dangerous rage or depression.
3 moms found this helpful
D.B. answers from Charlotte on October 23, 2010
R., talk to your doctor. It's important that you get some help with this. I think that if you could handle this on your own, you would already have done it. Don't be ashamed to ask for help.
3 moms found this helpful
M.L. answers from Seattle on October 23, 2010
You are not alone. Your doctor can help you and it will make life a lot easier. It is a perfect time now to get the whole family on a schedule and routine with chores and helping you out before the baby gets here. It will also make life a lot more managable for you. I am sure some of it is hormonal, however, you have a full plate. You sound like a wonderful person, taking on other people kids to raise them is a huge job and not always convenient. You and your hubby need date nights, embrace this time while you are pregnant with your first and make sure you take care of yourself also. Things will get better.
2 moms found this helpful
L.C. answers from Los Angeles on October 24, 2010
Oh Sweetie, my heart goes out to you. I went through similar feelings when in the grip of depression....I couldn't control my rage. Your resentments are eating a hole in your heart and you are a step ahead because you recognize it. Honestly, what helped me the most was the AA serenity prayer! "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."
You have an image of what you thought you life would be with your baby and now there is the "intrusion" of these two girls into what you thought would be your life with YOUR baby.....try to remember that these girls didn't want to be where they are any more than you did - they are victims of the circumstances of life. You need a safe place to vent your anger and resentment so that you don't either dump it on your husband or thrust it at those two little kids (who are ill equipped to deal with it at all). Vent it to someone who is NOT involved and then let it go.......
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A.V. answers from Los Angeles on October 27, 2010
You seem to be in a very difficult situation. My sister is in a very similar situation and eventhough she and her husband have extensive backgrounds with troubeled children, it can still be difficult. You are NOT the only foster parent having a hard time. You are doing a wonderful thing by giving those girls a safe place to be while they also go through such a difficult situation.
Since your girls have a social worker, my suggestion is you ask her about a support group for you. Do the girls have counseling to help them through all this. I imagine they are also feeling very angry and bitter but do not have the coping skills necessary or the words to verbalize their feelings. Family sessions with them might also be a good idea since you will be integrating a new baby and that could make them feel more insecure and displaced than ever. They might even be harboring secret fears there will no longer have a place with you.
Meanwhile, find some time just for you. Whether it's 30 min for yoga, a walk or listening for music, it is essential you take care of yourself. Equally important is to also find some time to reconnect with your hubby at the end of the day to look forward to the new baby. You oth deserve that.
When you find yourself running out of patience model walking away, taking a minute and returning to calmly address the situation. Concentrate on positive attention so you can foster more of it. When you tuck the girls in at night make a point of remembering ONE good thing that happened during the day and how much you want to have an even better day tomorrow, even if the day was miserable.
Don't be embarrased or feel guilty about your frustrations and anger. You can feel all that and still love those girls and do what is best for them. All parents feel it. Good luck!
1 mom found this helpful
E.B. answers from Miami on October 23, 2010
Talk to your doctor. When I was pregnant with my 2nd son I literally got so outraged with my husband and the 1st boy I left them at Target and called them a cab to get home because I didn't want them around me at all. Needless to say I ended up going back and getting them. I don't think my husband talked to me for a week though. The next day I went straight to my doctor because it wasn't the first time it happened. I got in my car one night and just drove around for a few hours just trying to clear my head. Most of it was because I wasn't getting any help at home from dad. And my son was not on a schedule. My doctor did not prescribe me anything, instead he told me to get my son on a schedule and get my husband to do his own chores. Well the only way he would go to sleep early was if he slept with me. and my husbands side of the closet got clearer and clearer because each time he'd leave his clothes where ever they went in the trash. You are more than likely experiencing alot of hormonal imbalance on top of not getting a lot of help at home. Get the girls on a schedule NOW. Don't wait tell your husband to help with that and all the other chores. Kicking them out of the house is only temporary :)lol...j/k.... See if your doctor can put you on a low dose of an antidepressant. Hang in there... good luck and congrats with the baby.
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