Anger Issues-modified

I'll be sure to follow your story. I too have a son with some anger issues. He is one of 14 year old twin boys. His sibling is totally opposite from him in every way. I just thought that the anger was somewhat limited to fights with his brother. Now I am finding it spill over into his friendships, other family. Hope you get some good advice. If I have any successes, I'll be sure to share with you.

K. C.

I'm so glad you're reaching out for help on this!! Besides hitting those pre-teen years and possibility of puberty, have their been any major changes in his life? Even changes that seem minor to you may be major to a 9yo...

That being said, my dad & bro both have anger management issues (they are essentially the same person, only with a 25 yr age difference!). My dad was in his late 30s before he learned how to deal with his anger, and oddly though he was awful at it and would get mad at that, golf would help. As another poster mentioned, my bro wasn't stimulated enough at school, then my parents issues & divorce didn't help. He has gotten better with his temper, but he still made some bad choices.

I think you really need to sit down and talk to your son about it. The first time my brother came to me and said he had no idea what he had done in a temper tantrum was very scary- he had completely blacked out and beat the tar out of one of his good friends over some nonsense and had no idea later- he was about 9 or 10 at that time, not to mention worse things he had done too, and that's when he & my dad finally sat down and talked it out. Our dad doesn't believe in medicating for any sort of mental/emotional problems and is totally against psychologists (after a bad experience with my sis and one), so he taught my bro to take a time-out. Just count to 10 or 20 or whatever until he could calm down. I've recently started losing my temper a lot (due to lots of stress, which has never happenned before). When I talked to my chiropractor about it, he suggested instead of counting, repeat positive affirmations- I am peace, I am calm, I am serenity, I am joy, etc.- in the same manner one would count. You said that he won't always be able to walk away, which is true, but most people will understand if you ask them to just give you a minute. Unless they are antagonizers who like to see people blow up, they will know he's getting upset and will generally give him some time.

My dad & I were talking last weekend, and unfortunately it seems my 3yo has also inherited this strong spirit, but we're trying hard to redirect him and teach him to control his temper from a young age.

Please remember that every challenge is a blessing in some way. I call this my son's strong spirit, and I know that eventually it will really benefit him in his life once he learns how to control & redirect it for the better. We always laugh that he'll make a great lawyer or activist or some great leader... Blessings to you & your family!

Try spending one on one time with your son. Do that several times and see if he can open up to you. He is starting a difficult stage and needs more understanding from mom and dad.

Good luck,
E.

Professional help sounds like a good idea at this point. A psychologist or pyschiatrist can test him to determine what his issues are. I firmly believe in therapy. I was a single parent who taught high school for 38 years. I saw really good results both personally and professionally when people (adults and/or kids) received good counseling for a period of time.

Hi L.,

I don't have a child in this situation but I felt the need to tell you that what's going on with your son sounds lot like what my husband went thru as a child and still deals with now because he has Bi-Polar tendencies. I know hearing Bi-Polar is scary, I kind of freaked out when my husband told me about it before we were married, but then I did some research and its not as scary as I first thought. Anyway, it may be something to talk to your Doctor about. My husband still has issues where the smallest things make him sooo mad and he feels he has no control over it. I can try to tell him to take a deep breath or count to 10 but his brain wont shut off the anger. He even knows he gets mad at the dumbest things but still can't stop. The good news is there are some really good medications out there that help calm people down with this type of Bi-Polar disorder that won't numb their minds. That was the biggest issue for my husband when it can to taking the medication, he didn't want to become to numb to do his job (Software Architect). But once he started on the medication it was like night and day. He was so calm and the liitle things that use to send him into a rage just rolled off his back.
Anyway, again I know thinking about Bi-Polar disorder can be scary but the one thing that stuck in my mind when I did some research was 80% of all successful people have some form of Bi-polar disorder. I hope this helps some and it sounds like to me you're doing a good job at trying to help your son. Its not easy to live with some one with anger issues. Keep up the good work.
Ang

You are a great mom. I also have a 9 yr old boy with similar issues. I have come to realize that he needs to be constantly challenged, mentally as well as physically. And he needs to hear from me words of encouragement. I try very hard to focus on his talents, and good behavior. Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a book "The five love languages of children" Hope this helps. Blessings.

L.,
i have a grown son ,who you are disgriby(Sr spl) to a tee Please get him to a child counsler then a DR maybe even a phychrist they really are the only ones who can digoness him ,but some towns to have a child dignonest clinic he his Screaming for help.I did'nt liston when my son did ,,he ended up being a cutter not a nice thing to see your own baby slice their selves with razors ,stitched up and toke off to a mental hospital,it's a law in Tx there they give them oner dose of meds because they are harming them selves .Now my son refusses help because he says the meds take all his feelings ,and yesthat is what they did do ,i've tryed to tell him if he'd go in now they would'nt do that ,because he doe'snt cut anymore.PLEASE Help your son
L.

Speaking of hormones: you officially have a pre-teen on your hands (9-12), and perhaps a visit to the pediatrician for a blood screen for testosterone level is in order. He may have begun the puberty process and the testosterone is the culprit. An anger management group or indiv. sessions with a counselor could help him manage his anger with his growing hormonal state. And you and your husband can equip yourselves with the suggested techniques as well, to help him and to model conflict resolution.
In the meantime, I can send you a tip sheet for him called "When I'm Angry" for kids, if you'll send me your email address or call me after 9am at ###-###-####.

"I'll admit both my husband and I can be yellers at times, so some of this is probably learned behavior. " - yep. Its really counterproductive to yell at your kids.

Other than the above, which you are already aware of, I'd say look at the difference in how he is dealt with at school and how you and your husband relate to him at home, that might be your key since his problems seem to be mostly in your home. What happens to him when he yells at you? What are the consequences of that behavior? Are there any? Thats where I would start, if he isn't held accountable for his unacceptable actions, then he's just going to keep repeating the behavior.

I agree with Ang, I have experienced Bi-polar myself in dealing with my husband. He gets angry (or used to) at the smallest thing, (the dog walked in the room and he was off on a tangent) he is now on medications that regulate the chemical imbalance that the bi-polar stemmed from. If you can, talk to your family doctor, if they won't listen, MHMR has wonderful child psychiatrists and they charge on an income scale. I know that because my son was tested, turns out his was a mild depression from dealing with his dad's mood swings over the years. My son could never do anything right in his dad's eyes until my husband started on a treatment plan. Now, they are close and everyone is happy. The sooner you can get your son some help, the better off he will be. Good Luck and God Bless!

PS The RIGHT medications will NOT take away his emotions and feelings, they greatly improve them!

L., first of all, bless your heart! Your candor demonstrates your honest desire to help your son.

Sometimes I think that our society and the way we live our lives has taken a lot of activities out of our daily lives that used to be a good vehicle for boys and their natural agressiveness. Years ago, many boys had chores on the farm, or wide open spaces to run and play. We live our lives very differently now, and yet a boy's need to RUN and YELL and BE A BOY has not changed.

I was raised with THREE SISTERS - NO BROTHERS - and am now a mom (newly single) to three boys, 15, 8, and 6. What started as anger in my oldest only got WORSE when his dad and I divorced. There were days where episodes with him left me trembling and afraid.

AS HARD AS IT SOUNDS, I made a valiant effort to REMOVE MYSELF EMOTIONALLY from the outbursts. I would quietly say, "I love you and want to hear what you say, but if you use that tone of voice, or talk over me, I will not listen." At other times, I waited as long to respond to him as it took him to obey me when I asked something of him.

Once I just responded like he responded to me . . . "WAit, I'm doing something" or similar phrases, and would not answer him directly for about 1/2 hour. It drove him crazy, but it made a point.

I also took stock of our relationship. I was NOT spending much time AT ALL with just him. The younger boys need me more and were getting the lion's share of my time. I made time just for us - like watching a movie to "old" for the younger ones, or just talking - and would say to his brothers, "Please do something else for a while, I am spending time with your brother."

I also got him involved with me in the kitchen, and would include him in things that I used to have his dad do . . like hang a picture on the wall, or say, "I need some muscle - can I borrow you for a few minutes?" He really responds to comments like that.

Keep saying that you love him - keep hanging in there. This too shall pass! Of course, seeking professional help is always a good idea if you feel like you need it. I would check at Second Baptist Church. Their pastoral ministries staff is wonderful.

Good luck!

Wow. It is very hard to handle these issues. I suggest having him testing for ADD or ADHD. ADD and ADHD have several other disorders that link together. One of them is anger management issues. Now don't worry, just because he is diagnosed with one or both of these disorders does not mean that he can't be a model student. In my experience, they can be straight A students or they can be failing students. If he is a straight A student...do you notice that he gets bored easily. My son is ADHD and a lot of what you describe has been seen in our home. There are things that can be done to help him and you. First, make sure that he understands that it is okay to feel the way he feels....after he is tested you can decide his treatment. A psychiatrist should be the one you have test him. Then he can see a psychotherapist to help him deal with is issues...Good luck. This is only a suggestion, but I hope you will try to have him tested. If he is not ADD, etc...what do you have to lose by testing him.

I don't have a 9 yr old son..but I am magoring in psychology AND attending counseling for my angry, ADHD 3 year old.

The best advice I can give you is to discipline your child BEFORE you start yelling. Don't continue to give in to his bad behavior by argueing and repeating yourself. That's how he wins. Put him in a secluded place for discipline where you and him will not argue. While he's there let him throw his tantrum..And completely ignore it.

And you're kidding yourself if you think that yelling and losing your patience is setting a good example. You've hit a nail right on the head by saying that you know that he's going to act like you and your husband. YOU'RE EXACTLY RIGHT!!

I encourage you and your husband to go to counseling for your son. (I say you and your husband because your son more than likely wouldn't want to go...and would create another battle that ya'll obvioiusly don't need). I found, in couseling our parenting styles that my son has massively improved his behavior. Try a locel MHMR. You've gotta start with improving your behavior, then your son's will improve rather rapidly.

My husband and I were ones to yell also. And "lose patience." It doesn't help the child at all, which is who's really at stake here. It just teaches them that losing control is okay if you're provoked..and that's just NOT the case. Losing control is simply lack of self discipline, which I had to learn the hard way. It's not easy or a quick fix, I promise. But it will work in the long run. The sooner you get help for your son the better for all of you! :)

Hi L.,

Well mom sounds like you are on the right track.. number one rule in my opinion with kids seems to be that they take out their "rage" where is is safest (with family and close friends" doesnt make it right just means they feel safe that you will not pop thier head off for the outburst. I would say your son is likely hiding an issue hun.. Kids especially boys are not good with emotions, so often sadness and fear will come out as anger.. if he is frustrated with himself, he will get angry at his brother for doing something he does himself, like loosing the water.. Please don't wait for a miracle fix, if I were you I would right away get him in to see someone, a counsoler, therapist, advocate. Doctors now days are so fast to put a child on medication for these things, please exhaust all efforts first.. My nephew was exactly like your discribing he would always belittle his sister to the point she became nervous, he isolated himself by yelling at friends.. Turns out 8 years after it all began we found out he had an older family friend expose himself to him once.. only once.. and that was the core of the rage.. That is what you need to find, the core, because i promise you there is one.. maybe not the same as my nephew, but there is a core issue..

Good luck