Anger Issues - Yuba City,CA

Sounds like he's got a lot of stuff on his plate (diabetes and Dad's absence.)
That being said, 8 years old is a hard time for many boys. He's not quite a little kid anymore, but not a teen either. I've noticed w/ the boys I nanny for that they started to become much more difficult at 8 years old. They too acted very angry. They too had much to be angry about (their mother passing away and an absentee father w/ temper control issues as well,) but we all need to make lemonade out of lemons don't we?
Right now he needs you more than ever to establish appropriate boundaries (especially in how he's allowed to express his anger.) Let him know you understand his anger, but set firm limits on how he is to deal with it.
Also, w/ the diabetes, is it possible that his blood sugar is out of whack? I'm not diabetic, but when my blood sugar gets low, I get stressed much more easily and my temper is MUCH shorter. I would talk to your Dr about helping him stay more constant.
Good Luck - that's a tough age, but if you can get it under control, you should be able to relax until he gets to Middle school (when he will need a whole new set of boundaries.)

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Have you tried a child psychologist/psychetrist? Choose which ever one works for you, one prescribes drugs and the other does not. We used one when my son was 2 1/2 to 3 and she used play therapy. She was great. Not only did she help my son, but she also helped us to deal with his behaviors and explained why he would act a certain way and how our responses (both verbal and non-verbal) contributed. I hope you do find something that works for you. Good luck.

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Hi D.,

I have not shared this experience with you. What I can offer is my own experience. I have low blood sugar, which causes some of the same symtoms of diabetic. I some suffer severe mood swings, anger, depression, etc. I am a very calm person, and generally considered reasonable. However, when my blood sugar get very low, I am a completely different person. I have been known to yell at my kids, boyfriend, etc. Maybe your son's blood sugar is a little high during his anger bouts. What works best for me during the times of anger, is when my kids, now grown, or my boyfriend speak to me very calmly. Sometimes they will hold my hand, put a their hand on my shoulder and just ask me if I'm ok. If they get angry in return, the situation quickly escalates. Hope this helps.

T.

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Hi D.,

Wow you have a lot on your plate! I really commend you for all you are doing for your family. I agree with the advice of the others in reaching out to others families and organizations that help families manage diabetes. I don't have much expereince in that aspect so I am not sure how much I can help there. My advice is to maybe consider researching a karate class for your son. I have three kids as well- two boys close in age and a daughter. My boys are 10 and 8 and they participate in shotokan karate classes that focus on conflict recognition, prevention and anger management. They combine physical movement and meditaion practices that have helped my boys. My oldest has a migraines and it has really helped him a lot. My middle son has always had a difficult time managing his anger in a positive way and I have noticed dramatic differences in him since they began studying. There are tons of different types of karate and you have to careful with the method and message some places have. Just make sure that your philosophy matches the program you choose. I may be able to put you in contact with someone depending on where you live. Most people who practice true karate will not let finances prevent a child from learning. Good luck and hope you find the support you and your family needs.

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Like the other suggestions, I say therapy......& quick. I say quick cuz my girlfriend's now 23 yr old daughter was diagnosed w/diabetes at 15 yrs & has recently realized that a lot of her emotional issues have to do w/not completely dealing w/having diabetes. My friends daughter is very over-weight, dropped out of college (w/1 yr left!), works retail, makes bad choices in guys & still lives at home kinda living in a bit of a la-la land. I know your son is only 8 but diabetes is for the rest of his life & maybe that's what the anger is about. Hope this helps & good luck!

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Dad being overseas may make things worse, however my only suggestion is to sign your son up for Diabetes camp so that he sees that there are lots of other kids with the same problem and that they have to deal with it too while having fun and leading a normal life. I understand these camps are great. Good luck to you.

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Hello!
My 3-year-old son was diagnosed with Type 1 a week before his 2nd birthday. Since he's so young, though, we haven't gotten to the anger stage yet. I don't think he realizes this early that he's different than anyone. But have you heard of the Brave Buddies Yahoo group? It's all parents of kids with type 1. If you join the group and post a message about this, I bet you'd get lots of helpful responses. The group's great! Hang in there!
A.

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Hi. I have diabetes too and know taht when my blood sugar levels are not stable, or where they should be, I become angry/ rageful for no reason. As an adult I understand what is wrong with me, and know how to control my behavior until I can get my blood sugar back to a healthy level. Frequent eating of foods with healthy fats (nuts) have made a huge difference. I feel calm from within. It was truly a life transformation when I made that simple change. Try talking to a dietician who deals with diabetes.
Good luck!

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Hi D. ~
I am a Type 1 Diabetic. My heart goes out to you! You are living my worst nighmare; that a child of mine would have it! In my wildest dreams I cannot imagine managing someone else's Type 1 Diabetes!

One thing to be aware of is that blood sugar levels have a direct impact on our behavior and emotions. When mine gets too low I get confused and tired. When it is high I am a royal b_ _ _ _!

I can share a little with you, but I came down with it at age 31 which, although is not unheard of, is a little unusual. So I did not have it as child like your son. I remember feeling very angry at diagnosis ... the limitations it demanded of my life, the time it takes, the monitoring of everything because of it ... I remember feeling resentful of it. I remember feeling my body had let me down. I felt mad that I had to deal with this and "nobody" else did. Perhaps your son is feeling some of the same or ... things appropriate to his age. You sound like a savvy parent and most likely your medical team has put you in contact with wonderful Type 1 professionals for you and your son. I hope you are in close contact with the JDRF, if not DO SO. They are where you can go to seek help for questions and problems EXACTLY like this one. I imagine that over the years they will become a mainstay of support for you and your son. If he has not attended classes with other children with Type 1, you may give some serious thought to this ... connecting him with others his own age will go a LONG way to helping him transition into this lifestyle; and it that - a lifestyle. The attitudes he devleopes NOW will be the ones he will carry with him in his life as a Type 1 Diabetic. The other idea I have for you is to contact an orgaization called Dogs 4 Diabetics - www.dogs4diabetics.com - This is a AMAZING organization! They train service dogs to a Type 1 Diabetic to detect both low and high blood sugars. They are based in Concord, CA. CALL THEM! If you want to talk with me more about it, please feel free to email me and we can go from there. I wish you all the luck in the world. My heart goes out to you.

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My son is 7 and many times we have these issues without the diagnosis of diabetes. Perhaps it would help if he could meet other children who are like him. Maybe your doctor can help get you in touch with a group of some kind. This must be difficult dealing with on your own. Perhaps there is also a support group for you as well. My prayers are with you.

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Hi D.,

I have concerns about the thought being that his anger is from him having diabetes. Do you think it is because of the testing or the shots, if he is using insulin? Or the kids at school talking about him and making him feel bad about having diabetes? Are you really open with him about diabetes and explaining to him what is happening to his body? Kids age 8 start to care what other kids think of them and start to change things about themselves to fit into “society”. This is something he can not change, so he may be angry and lashing out to prove that he can not be controlled.

I agree that you do need to look to a professional or family member with diabetes and or your pediatrician for assistance in understanding what is really going on with him. Ignoring him even if it is anger that his dad is gone will not help the situation. He is not a two year old throwing a tantrum. No matter what it is, dad or diabetes, he needs to learn to talk about his feelings. He is old enough to have grown up feelings but needs help to learn how to appropriately display them. In both of these issue possibilities he has no control over either.

My recommendation for the fits is that you walk away initially or send him to his room for a cool down moment and then go in and sit with him and talk to him on his level about why we was angry. I think after a few times you’ll see a pattern.

It’s hard being the only parent making all the major decisions when your main source of support is gone, especially with three little ones. It sounds like there is so much going on in your life right now that is different from the norm, and your 8 year old is feeling every bit of your frustration, anger, fear and tears. I applaud you and reach out with a huge hug! Keep up the good work!!

I hope this helps a little...

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Hi D.!

I have a question for you...have you told your son that it's okay to be angry? Having him accept the reason for his anger is a start to healing and dealing with the anger. He needs to be reassured that his anger is valid, but of course not acceptable when it comes to lashing out. Sit down with him and let him know it's okay to be angry and let him know that you are angry about it too, but also let him know that it's not okay to take his anger out on the people or the things around him. He needs to find an avenue for his anger. Do you attend a church and have a pastor he and you can talk to? Or is there any way you can get him into counseling so he can learn to redirect his anger? Also, go to Barnes and Noble (or view it online) and look up books for kids with diabetes. I am sure you will find books on helping your kid adjust and accept diabetes. Make sure your attitude reinforces the fact that it's going to be okay! This is very important since our kids emulate what we do and how we react to situations.

Gosh, I hope this helps you. I wish you luck.
J. - a mom of one 3 1/2 year old

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I have a 17yr old son with Type 1 Diabetes since he was 7 yrs old. I understand what you are going through with dealing with a child that has anger issue towards his disease. My son's issue was that everyone treated him different. He wanted to be "normal". We felt guilty that he was given that horrible disease. Looking back I would have done it different. Not to focus on his disease. Make sure he was accountable for his choices and actions. Its hard to deal with as a parent. We feel so bad and responsible. My son today is doing much better than when he was younger. It does get hard at times dealing with a teenager and diabetes. We go to the PENS Team downtown who has helped me to know what he is going through is the same as most kids with diabetes. And he will be ok.

W.- Married 39 yr old Mother of 4 boys 19, 17, 16, 12.

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Hi D.,

Well, it certainly seems like you have your hands full! I remember when my four children turned 2, 4, 6, and 8, and how each of those ages was an age of disequilibrium for my child. The two-year-old who isn't yet verbal enough to express frustration often throws a tantrum. A four-year-old who falls off the stairs that will be easy to climb the following year may swear or become "out-of-bounds" in other ways. Six and eight-year-olds have their own frustrations. At eight, a loving child may suddenly "act out" against a younger sibling. By the next year, i.e., 3, 5, 6, and 9, children are at an age of equilibrium and better able to cope. Parents are left wondering what happened to the distruntled child of the year before.

Now, besides being eight, your son has diabetes, a new sibling, and a father who is gone (perceived by children as abandonment. That little boy has a lot to be angry about! So, Mama, how best to help him express those emotions? I don't think punishing "acting out" behavior or rewarding "good" behavior is the answer. A wonderful book, Connection Parenting: Parenting through Connection instead of Coercion, Through Love instead of Fear, by Pam Leo, published by Wyatt-MacKenzie Publishing, Inc., Deadwood, OR, would help you immensely! You can also go to ConnectionParenting.com to get information. Her book is not on a CD, too. Pam, a mother of two, grandmother of three, and a woman who worked with children for twenty plus years, writes about the things children have taught her. Her advice is worth gold!

Your son obviously needs additional love and support at this time and, when he gets it, he'll know you value him and consider him worth the time and trouble! In the end, this approach will serve you both well.

Warm regards, M.

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Hi D.,

If everything is under control as far as treatment, I would try diffusing therapeutic grade essential oils - they can have a wonderful emotional response with people - that's why aromatherapy is so desirable. Lavender is always a great way to begin - and it might help everyone be calmer, more relaxed, etc.

Also, if you're open to energy work, you can go to emofree.com and check into EFT (emotional freedom techniques). If you were to teach that to your son, it would give him something to do physically that's pro-active. There's lots of free info there.

Blessings,

B. C., CR, SCCI, BCRS, LSH, EFT-CC
Certified Reflexolgist
Certified CARE Instructor
(CARE - Center for Aromatherapy Research & Education)
Board Certified Raindrop Specialist
Essential Oil & Herb Specialist

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Is it possible that the source of his anger is actually fear associated with your husband's deployment? Little kids don't always have the language skills or the general thought processes to sort out what their anger is about. It could be, because kids fill in the blanks to their own detriment, somewhere he's heard an extremely scary story about diabetic seizures or military injuries or something and that is needling him...

I'd definitely seek professional advice - if it's truly an anger management issue he can get some tools... if it's something else then maybe he needs someone to coax what that something is out of his little head and then help him cope with it.

Good luck,
JillS
whose mom and dad often had to play 20 questions with her to identify what the source of distress was.

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I would look into Homeopathy. It does amazing things for people with emotional imbalance. I have a few people in my life who have turned to it for their children having anger issues, impulse control and more. They swear by it. I know it has helped me with other issues and one of the benifits I also noticed from it was I wasn't edgy or snappy, things seemed to function more smoothly for me. I would look into it. Good luck.

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Yes, he's got diabetes. He has been allowed to be "Angered" by that , but he needs not have that excuse. Dont be so understanding. People deal with deseases like this, and including this, every day without being angry. It's not an acceptable excuse for bad behavior. Nip it. There's a book called "Real Boys" that deals with boys emotions, what they are, and how to deal with them. it's good.

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Hi D.,
I am not an expert by any means, but I have had experience with children that don't know how to handle anger. All I can suggest this that you keep the lines of communication open. Talk to him about his feels of anger - don't negate them - explain how he needs to control his response to his feelings of anger, possibility frustration also, that throwing things or hitting people are not socially acceptable.

its sounds as if this is what you have been doing already, I can only say that by continually responding in the same manner yourself, sets the example to him - believe me I know how hard it can be not to just lose it, especially in since you are in essence a single parent.

there is also counseling for him. I would speak to his doctor and find out about any groups. or contact the diabetes society, there might be something there. Children naturally go through the "terrible two's" every seven years or so - some of that is probably playing into that.

Is your son involved in any kind of activities? I hope this helps in some way. Good Luck, keep the faith and God Bless.

bobbi b.

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Have you ruled out irritability because of hypoglycemia first? I have type 1 diabetes but I am a grown up, and I do allow myself some slack; so it's important to pick and choose your "no" or give him some choices. Maybe if I know the scenario I can offer more specific suggestions. My heart goes out to you and your son; it is a difficult disease to manage at any age.

A bit about me; I am a certified diabetes educator; are you seeing one with your son?
I.

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Is there a child counselor where you live to help him to learn how to manage his behavior? If he needs to use bad words to get it out, I'd let him let it fly. But hitting and other physical expresssions of anger can't be allowed, especially with a tiny baby around.
In our household, we don't have any prohibition on words and I've been called all sorts of things, but it's always an opening for me to acknowledge his anger and for us to begin a dialogue. Anyway, just a thought. Some people are bad-word-averse. But I think sometimes it helps them just to call you a "big fat muffin" or worse.
Are you sure that the anger is related to his awareness of the diabetes? Or is it something else? If his dad is overseas, I hope that you don't have the TV on for the kids. It might just be causing too much anxiety for them at this age.
Good luck with this.

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You may falsely be assuming it's the diabetes that made him become more angry, but I suspect it may be the younger sibling being born that was the real trigger, since you had a child right about the same time as the diabetes was discovered. He was also at the age when a lot of kids start being more physical with their anger (particularly boys!). I have a son who has a lot of anger problems that are gradually getting better as we've worked with him on understanding his feelings, being able to use words rather than actions to communicate them and learning ways to decrease the angry feelings. Many children have trouble with this. We spend a lot of time talking about feelings and the golden rule and it's working. We try to give him little or no attention for outbursts (he has to go sit in the other room or we walk away and give him ALOT of attention when he uses words. A psychologist gave us a thermometer picture colored with blue at the bottom (for happy), green in the middle (for getting a little bit upset), yellow (for getting angry) and red at the top (for really angry). He now tells us "I'm getting red!" We then talk to him about how he moves down to yellow and green. We spent some time when he was not angry helping to identify what makes him happy. Then we tell him when he's angry to think of what makes him happy and see if he moves down the thermometer. It has really made a difference. He still loses it more than we would like, but we have stopped most of the physical expression of his anger and are now only dealing with the intense verbal expressions of his anger. We also spend a lot of time helping him understand the golden rule. We'll ask him when he's yelling if that's how he wants to be treated. That often stops him dead in his tracks. Just a few ideas.

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If you have never heard of them, Hand in Hand Parenting is a great source of information and help on behavioral issues. Someone gave us a booklet series when our daughter was born, and we think it is wonderful. They teach about childrens' emotions, and how to help children express and work through their feelings. I am re-reading the booklets again, now that my child is 18 months old, and the techniques are very helpful. Their websit is handinhandparenting.com.

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Please check out the free Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) manual at http://www.emofree.com

It is amazing and when I demonstrated it in front of a group of hospital admin. people, three of them came up to me afterward and were just flabbergasted that it worked so quick. One of them said she had been in therapy for YEARS and she can't believe that one 5 minute demo gave her the relief she had been searching for all those years.

For your son, I would target "people don't care what I want, they make me do things I don't care about" and "my blood sugar is fighting me and I want to be safe" and "I'm worried that my daddy doesn't love me because he left me, but somehow I want to know that I am safe and my daddy is safe and even if he doesn't come back, I still love him and I know that (use what ever word you feel comfortable here: God/Universe/Source/the powers that be) will take care of him and make him safe even if he leaves home and even if he leaves earth he will forever be in my heart. Because he is in my heart I can send him love anytime and that will keep him safe like a cloak of invisibility and love is always more powerful than fighting"

You may do the tapping by yourself and pretend that you are your son, this is called surrogate tapping or surrogate healing, likely you will benefit greatly from this as well as your son. I feel strongly that this is already helping.
If you have questions about the manual please call ###-###-#### or just email me.
Love, L.

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Hi D.,

So sorry to hear that your son has Diabetes. It is not easy for a young child to understand or cope with this. You have received much good advice from many in this forum. Now it is my turn to add just a few more which I know works!

1. Start the day with prayer together with your son. Have him pray for his family and his Dad and for you.
2. Have him pick a happy song for the day and tell him that whenever he feels upset to sing that song. You can sing along with him.
3. Take a nice long walk together every day. Identify flowers and trees along the way. Quiz him as you go.
4. Spend some quiet time with him like reading together or helping him with homework when the other kids are asleep.
5. Turn off the TV.
6. Keep him busy doing constructive things like legos, helping you around the house, or making something for Daddy to send to him.
7. Invite a friend over once in a while.
8. Have him take music lessons.
9. Homeschool him. He may be learning this behavior from his friends at school.
10. Write a letter to Dad every week.
11. Have your son keep a journal each day. At the end of the day read it together with him and discuss.
12. Pray with him thanking God for a wonderful son.

God bless you and your precious family.

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If you haven't already, you should contact the local Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation ###-###-#### or www.jdrf.org/norcal. They have parent support groups and kids camps that help deal with the emotions and the roller coaster of having Type 1 diabetes. I have met a lot of great kids there that revel in being around people who understand what they are going through. (The parents appreciate the support too.)

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My great grandson age four has type One diabetes
his anger had everything to do with what was going on with his sugar levels.
His mom and dad take him to UC Davis in Ca.every three months.
She moniters his sugar around the clock. It can change in minutes. He is now a very happy little boy but his anger was just as you described.
Also do not overlook stress, it is very real for a young child.

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I really don't have any advice for you, but I can relate! My oldest is 9 and has been diagnosed with ADHD and although is doing GREAT in school has lots of anger issues. I do have two other children, boy-7 and girl-6 who really seem to set him off. If you get any advice, I'd love to read it.

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You might want to check out a woman named Sharon Ellison. She done a lot of work with parents around children and anger. Her work is called Powerful Non-defensive Communication. She has books and CDs and works with people individually as well. She is based in Oakland, Ca. Her phone number is ###-###-####. Good Luck, D.

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Hi D., My husband is also OCUNUS in Iraq and I have a hellion of a 2 year old who is perfectly healthy. My approach is to ignore and walk away and than he'll come to you, believe me I have been having the most emotional and difficult time with him and he is trying to manipulate me to get what he wants. Stand firm on your responses and ground, stand firm and walk away all he wants is your undivided attention and he is angry daddy is away and it is your fault. When he acts ungentlemenly, give him the response he does not expect, walk away and tell him whne he is done he can can come talk to mommy about what is wrong and you will listen as long as he speaks and not yell. I know it is not the grand answer and I am trying so hard myself, our sons are manipulating us to make us feel guilty , that's what kids do. I have a 13 year old super boy crazy girl which fashion is her life, my terrible 2, which I call PITA, pain in tha A**, and my 5 mos. old who is an angel and a blessing. Try my suggestion, believe me, I ask everyone I can for advice about him and my little man is trying to manipulate me. Good luck if I have any more suggestions passed my way I would be more than happy to share. This is our 2nd OCUNUS in 3 years with 2 babies born, phew, God just keeps throwing it at us, doesn't he? You are in my thoughts and prayers and if you can, say the Serenity Prayer during his "moments" to take you away and calm yourself down.

Kindest regards,

Mother and Soldier of 3,

CW2 S. Sandman CALIFORNIA ARMY NAT'L GUARD

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I grew up with a borther who had type I Diabetes. His mood swings were extreme, depending on his sugar levels. Is your son on the pump? My brother got Diabetes in the day when there were no pumps... so I'm not sure what the latest medical devices are circulating as routine for Juvenile Diabetes these days, that's why I ask.
I just know, that living with this, blood sugars were the primary source of his moods. up/down/up/down.
In regard to destroying things, and your sons anger, you need to dig deep and ask him "why do you do that" "does that make you feel better" Question his anger.
Something must feel right to him to do that. Releasing his anger this way is not helpful... a strong exercise program to release his frustration works wonders. Swimming, bike-riding, something that tires him a bit and puts his energy into exercise.
Just thoughts. Good luck. Its a tough disease to live with... I know.

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