Anger at Husband

Seems like your anger is not about the crying baby or your husband. I think it may be related to your going back to work next week. Mothers and babies were not meant to be separated - an indisputable fact of nature. You may need to go back to work in order to sustain your standard of living. Be honest with yourself and you will find the answer you need. If you feel you must go back to work, deal with your feelings regarding leaving your new baby. Acknowledge them so you can deal with your anger.

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Until I read this post I thought I was the only one who had ever felt this way. I was like this when my first was an infant. I think that the stress and emotions that accompanied becoming a new parent were just so overwhelming sometimes. I couldn't stand it when my son cried. I'd feel so angry and frustrated and exhausted. I just felt an urge to release that stress in some way. I never did hit my poor, helpful and supportive husband, of course, but the urge was there. I think maybe it made me angry that he could seem so relaxed when my son cried. Also, although his life changed dramatically with the birth of our son, it wasn't initially as much as it does for a new mother. The anger feeling was also more pronounced when I was getting ready to return to work. I don't know if this is of any help, but at least you know you're not alone.

Have you tried stepping back and taking deep breathes? The feeling subsided as I became more confident in my skills as a mother and learned that, despite my best efforts, my son was going to cry sometimes. I eventually learned to even get away for awhile and let him care for my son. We mothers need breaks out of the house sometimes. A walk around the block with the dog did wonders. I also talked about it with my husband and we managed to kind of make a joke out of it as he would pretend to run for cover when I told him I was feeling angry or frustrated. That would really help relieve the stress. I later went on to have twins and I can tell you that the same thing did not happen, thank goodness. I was much more relaxed in caring for them. Best of luck.

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This is a displacement of your anger and frustration toward your baby onto your husband. You would say, "I would never hit my baby", but then it's safer to hit your husband. I would let my husband handle it and take a walk or do some breathing techniques to deescalate.

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Sounds like Post Partum Depression....Please get a doctor appointment as soon as possible..
Wish I'd known about this when I was young and had my children...It would have been a life saver for my sanity.

Good Luck and God Bless you and your new family...
A.J.

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I think both of the previous responders had great things to say. It's very insightful to recognize that you might be directing your anger at the situation towards your husband because it's safe to, rather than directing it to baby.

I also wanted to express that babies have no other way of releasing stress besides crying. They can't vent to their girlfriends over coffee or go hit a bucket of balls. All they can do is cry. Since your baby is having this crying jag just before bed, I'd suspect it's just him releasing the day before sleeping. Hold him, soothe him and just breathe deeply. (which also will help calm baby)

I find, even though my kids are 6 and 4, that I have the same problem. I often get angry at my husband. I think it is becasue we can't be angry with our children, he is the next best thing.

Honestly it sounds like a little bit of transference. You're probably not sleeping great yet with such a little one at home and when he starts to cry in the evenings you're getting frustrated and since you can't be frustrated with that sweet innocent little boy you're getting angry at your husband who is a handy target. This is all totally normal.

Eventually you have to realize that it's ok to be frustrated with your son when he starts crying. After dealing all day on your own for the most part hearing him cry 'again' can be frustrating. You just have to watch to make sure you don't want to act on any of your frustrations. If you feel that you want to you need to talk to your Doctor about that because it can be a sign of PPD.

Have you started to anything for yourself again? Even if it's just going to a movie once a week or sitting outside away from your husband and son to read a book for an hour, or soak in the tub? I would also try to get somebody to come watch your son so you can your husband can go out and be together. You need to start rebuilding your bond as a husband and wife team, that can get tattered with a baby that needs constant attention.

Good Luck and remember everything you're feeling...somebody else has as well, you are not alone!

TOTALLY NORMAL!, just don' actually do it. It won't last forever. A crying baby can drive anybody insane.

Very sincerely,
M.

C.,
I am no psychiatrist, but I think it is because you have to go back to work soon. You don't really want to. You may like your job, but you know you are going to miss your baby. When he cries, who can take care of him like you can? If there is anyway financially for you to stay home longer, work it out. If not, talk to your husband about these feelings. Otherwise the resentment will build more and you will say or do something you regret. It doesn't matter that he has been very helpful, these emotions involve you as a mother and how you feel having to leave your baby. I hope this helps a bit.

ICJ,

E.:)

We're the main care takers but it's normal to want to blame someone when we're frustrated and we can't blame the baby. Sometimes we get resentful because we're the one trying to calm the baby and get them to sleep... hang in there, it will get easier.

Perhaps your anger is a bit displaced. You rationalize that it's not the babies fault that he/she is crying so instead you direct your anger toward your husband. A fussy baby can be very stressful for some people. It can stir up emotions that you don't think could come from a simple baby's cry. My advice to you is that you put the baby in a room in her/his crib with the door shut and do something that keeps you from hearing the cries. Vacuum, listen to music, take a walk etc. It seems you may just be feeling the stress and anxiety from the baby crying.

Best wishes!

I looked up Brook Shields and postpartum depression on the web and there was information on the web about this. She had postpartum depression real bad. The sooner you get help the better. A lot of women have this it is more common than people think. Anti depressants and anti anxiety meds work. They say this just gets worse without treatment. The ladies that I know that went on meds even when breast feeding are all feeling a lot better now. So please call your doctor and get help. One ladies doctor told her she didn't have ppd. That was was not true she went to another doctor and found out she had ppd and is now on meds and feels so much better not crying ect. Call your hospital and they might have a ppd group and a mommies group too. Your baby needs you well. There is no shame to having ppd so many woman have it. this is a old answer i had. God Bless you.
Suzy

C.,

Thanks for sharing and know it's not really anything to worry about. You can't be perfect so if ya feel like giving your husband a whack it doesn't mean anything. I would think possibly.. he is a safe target and is the only person you could lash out at but you know it's wrong to do so. Maybe lock yourself in the bathroom and and shake a towel really really hard or whack the bathroom floor with it. No body will know what your doing. You can get all that frustration out. Then you might feel better because you did the responsible thing. So important you feel good about yourself right now, and it's tuff when the baby cries, No sleep is horrible! Your self esteem goes right down the toilet. There is just no way you can be perfect in what you think should be perfect emotional bliss toward everything and every body right now. I used to think I was nuts and the breast pump would back me up on that, I could swear it said..wacko wacko wacko when it made the pumping sound. LOL When I told my husband he listened to it and said.. "I hear it to, it does say waaack-o" I thought good, at least were both crazy! Happiest Baby on the Block video, get it if you have not all ready.

When I was a child, I needed to cry for a few minutes every night. It was most frustrating for my mother. But it was necessary for me to relieve tension to relax enough to fall asleep.

I hope this helps.

My oldest cried before going to sleep, I'd have to rock her. I think it was collic(sp?). I could never do anything about it. She eventually grew out of it and today is a very independent and mature 14 year old.

I never let her cry it out, although I hear that works well. But, she never needed a security blanket either (which my 2nd daughter did). I think because I would take the time to rock her to sleep, I was her security blanket.

Anyway, on the hubby part - that's postpartum depression. You might want to research some supplements or natural herbal remedies that may help you with that. Good luck!

S.

I don't know that I've had the urge to hit my husband, but I've had the urge to scream in his face. My second daughter had this problem, and we later figured out it was her way of getting all her energy out before she went to bed. I would rock her and it didn't help, she just needed to cry. Soooo, we started putting her down for bed and letting her cry it out, I know it sounds mean. For the first week I would go in and check on her every 5 minutes, and usually in 30 minutes she would be asleep. As the weeks went on, she eventually learned to fall asleep on her own. In the midst of it, it seemed like hours, but when we actually timed it, it wasn't even 1 full hour. My husband and I would sit on the couch together and turn the tv slightly up, and it was nice to look to one another in this crazy time. One, after 2 or 3 weeks, we realized we had sat down and not had to get up. Of course, then I was worried and I went in to check on her only to find she was fast asleep. In fact, I had to wake her up for the early am feeding, it was great. After that I have never had any major problems with her sleeping. Both my daughters were sleeping through the night by 4 to 5 months. Don't worry, take it by steps, and definitely give it time. Any habit that you're trying to teach or break takes at least 1 to 2 weeks. That's my rule. :)

C., Please tell your Doctor, this can be a sign of post partum type adjustment that Dr can help you with. Also it was taught to me that a few minutes of healthy crying uses baby energy then he can sleep. it sounds like it is working as it should. :>) S

Hi C.,

You would be wise to seek some therapeutic help. You may be angry at the baby for crying but, since you "can't" show anger toward your baby you displace it on a "safe" person, your husband. This is analogous to someone who is stressed at work and comes home and yells at the kids. The dangers of this are that you might eventually place your anger on the baby and hit him. Please seek help, you may be going through some post-partum depression, which is relatively normal but needs to be worked through. There are usually low-cost counseling centers available, if that's an issue.

V.

I was just reading an article about crying and how it can really intensify the parents' emotions. I agree that now matter how incredibly precious our babies are to us that eventually crying takes its toll. Babies usually have no other form of communication but crying. Parents can eventually feel helpless to know what babies need. These feelings of helplessness or lack of control can eventually lead to anger. So ultimately your emotional response is normal. Like any anger issue the first step is to try to "remove yourself" from the situation as best you can. This can simply be taking a second to breath in and out a few times. Maybe you have a friend or family member that can come by and help out. This gives you a moment to relax. Eventually you maybe able to teach your baby some simple sign language to help your baby communicate some simple things like "hungry" or "I'm wet".

This is very normal. You can't get mad at that cute baby for crying so you displace the anger on your husband. Its good that you are aware that this is happening so that you don't act on it. Just breathe, this won't last forever.

Your baby can sense how you feel. And you could be going through a post mental depression. I was real sensitive when I had my child. I was upset all the time. My husband would'nt stay in the same room with me and our baby. He had a baby from a previous relationship way before we got married and to this day he does'nt have anything to do with our son. He'll call him when he's drunk sometimes. But you are blessed to have a husband stand beside you. You might want to see a concilor.

Dearest Connie,

I just laughed SO HARD at your mssg on here I about fell out'a my CHAIR!!
I am so sorry but that's the funniest thing I've ever heard on here, or in a long time, ever! I'm gonna laugh all day about that---I can picture someone every time the baby cries just go over and HIT YOUR HUSBAND!!
I know you didnt mean it to be funny but I have a cartoon running through my head on this one.

Bless you, and maybe it's all his fault for getting you pregnant!

Wendy

I know EXACTLY how you feel! I know it doesn't make logical sense but then again who says new moms have to be logical? I think you need to be a little easier on yourself and remember you had a baby only 10 weeks ago. You are still going through lots of changes, physically, mentally and emotionally and I'm sure that as much as you adore your new baby boy, you are tired and have had to readjust your life to put his needs first. And our nerves can get frazzled and we need to vent; of course, you're not going to vent our the new love of your life so who's around to take your tiredness and frustration out on? Your hubby! I promise that will feeling of wanting to hit him will become less as time goes by but it may never totallly go away. My son is 13 months old now and when he cries and I'm tired, I still totallly take it out on my husband. I don't hit him but I definitely allow myself to vent until I calm down and thankfully, my husband lets me by being patient, understanding, and loving, all the while reminding me that everything is going to be okay. And usually in a very short time, it is. When all else fails, stop, take a deep breath, and remind yourself that without your wonderful husband, you wouldn't have the precious son you have that is a blessing to the BOTH of you. Good luck and know that you are not alone.

Hey Connie,
The crying of your baby is totally normal. we used to call it the bewitching hour because for some reason it was like from 5:30 to 6 pm my little one would just start crying and being fussy. Don't worry if it's for no other reason (hungry or sleepy) than it is just a time where they cry. As for your husband, I think it might be that you can't take out your frustrations on your baby so our husbands usually get the frustration, also known as displacement. I used to snap at my husband for no reason and just start yelling at him. once I realized it was because of being wound up because of a newborn I was able to control it better. When you feel the urge to get mad or hit your husband some techniques to calm down are to take a deep breath, count to 10 and go into the next room to take a break. It's amazing how just taking a deep breath will help the anger from escalating. Hope this helps.

Hi Corrine,

You're not alone. When I'm stressed, I tend to take it out on my husband to some degree or another. This was especially the case after we had two children 14-months apart. It wasn't intentional, and he didn't deserve it because he is a wonderful man but, because he is so wonderful and is a safe place for me to vent, I know that he has been the recipient of my snarky mood more often than he should. I'm more aware of my tendency to do this now so I work hard to deal with my feelings of frustration about things that don't involve him in a more constructive manner.

Also, as a mother of a newborn (or just a mom in general) it is so easy to not take care of yourself and to allow yourself to become depleted. Start the habit of getting of having some quiet time for yourself each and everyday. Take some time to read your favorite book, write in your journal, meditate, do some yoga, take a long bath, get your hair and nails done . . . whatever makes you feel nutured and calm. My children are 4 and 5 now and, although I've always understood the importance of this, I never really put it into practice until recently when I realized that although I'm a good parent, I was a stressed and haggared parent and stressed and haggared parents tend to be impatient and raise their voices more often than they should and, needless to say, my kids were not reacting well to it. Now I know that you can't give away little pieces of yourself to everyone else without reinvesting in yourself and holding a little piece of your sacred. It will benefit you and it will benefit your children in the long run.

Take care,

L.

Hey Connie - sounds like you're frustrated and you wish your husband would solve this issue for you. I'm sure this isn't a concious thing - like you said, he's been supportive and helpful. Don't be harsh with yourself - recognize it and maybe joke about it - that might elevate the tension and your pent up feelings. btw, a 5 to 10 minutes cry sounds normal to me, I wouldn't stress.

C. you need not worry. You are expressing anger because it is stressful that you have to deal with a crying baby. It works at your nerves. Relax, calm down and take it slow. Your baby will soon calm down and you will feel better. Alternatively if you feel you can't cope with the yelling, enlist your husban'ds help and let him deal with the baby once a night. THis will help youl God bless.
H.