An Attitude Towards Homemaking

Hi H., I can SO relate to your delimna! The advice I was given by a VERY wise older lady in my life when feeling bad about not financially contributing to our household was to sit down and figure out how much money I was saving our family by doing all the jobs I do for us. How much for instance would these household employees cost each week? BabySitter:
Cook:
Maid:
Accountant/Bookkeeper:
Taxi Cab:
Laundry Service:
Hairdresser(if,like myself, you cut their hair):
Planner(for all the appointments such as yearly checkups,dentist appt.,etc..):
Grocery Shopper & Deliverer:
There are many more jobs but you get the idea. If your family had to pay for all of the services you provide for them, I doubt your husband could get by with working only 1 job himself. Also,your children(step or blood)benefit from your being home. Even if they are school age it is a proven fact that children who have a parent home when they return from school are less likely to get into drugs and other harmful things. I hope you can stay home with your children until both you and they are ready for you to return to the working force. GOD bless, W. B

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I can imagine how frustrating this would be! My suggestion is for you to add up the costs of what a child care provider would cost. You could also get a quote for a housekeeper, and point out the things that you crurrently take care of that he would be responsible for if you worked outside of the home - or things that you currently do that would just not get done at all. I hope this helps - I know you are working hard!

http://www.azstarnet.com/news/127624 is a great short article about this...their figure is $134,121 per year!! That's the figure I like.

Another was drastically lower, $30,000/year which I think is hogwash. http://www.womenwork.org/resources/tipsheets/valuehomemak...

Because what they don't factor in, that I could see and I just glanced over it, is what I would need to go to work. Like another car perhaps, gas, insurance and upkeep for that car, meals out for lunch, daycare, added doctor visits because seems children get sicker in day care than at home (been there done that), work clothes for mom, meals eaten out in the evening because both mom & dad are too exhausted to cook, perhaps a maid to clean (see reason just stated), just to name a few things.

I worked a full time job when my 2 oldest were little. In 1988 my husband joined the Navy and they were 1 and 3 and I quit my job. I knew it would be hard facing years of Dad being deployed and I knew they needed the stability of Mom, besides I missed the little buggers like crazy when I was at work. I felt I wasn't the best Mom because I was gone all day & exhausted when I got home. PLEASE NOTE MOM's...that was MY heart and thoughts, each of us has to make the choice they feel is best for their families.

Anyway, I have been a SAHM ever since and have not regretted it at all. Sure it's the hardest job I've ever done, then I added homeschooling to that mix, but it is by the far the most rewarding thing I've ever done and continue to do. My kids are 10,15,19,20 and 22 and I LOVE my job. The older 3 are done with school & working full time jobs, the younger 2 are now in public school and I substitute teach at our churches private school. I usually work about 3-5 days a month and that's great for me! My family also has some health issues that require me to cook all our meals from scratch including breads of any kind so it's great that I'm home to do that.

Your husband needs to know that no one can love those kids more than yall and to ask himself what is the most important thing here? Is it the bling bling you can buy them or the love, security & stability you can give them. My kids love that I'm involved as Room Mom, Choir chaperone, Health Room worker and PTA member. They like having me here when they get home so they can tell ME about their day, worries, conflicts, accomplishments and to talk over a plate of homemade cookies.

I want my home to be a place of rest and comfort and for us, again each family has to make this decision together, me being a SAHM is the best way to achieve that.

I am the mother of a 25 yr son with special needs. Since he started school at age 4, I could only working during school hours which is very limited. With 4 children the only sensible choice would be a job with the school system so that you would be off when they are. Unless you are a teacher, the pay will be limited. You need to call and find out the cost for daycare and after school care for 4 kids. Even though you would for the school system, schools begin and end at different times. Also ask your friends which ones they recommend. Also, your husband needs to be willing to help with washing clothes for 6 and cooking dinner. Most moms are overwhelmed at night with cooking, bathing and helping with homework.

Hi H. I know how you feel although I don't have any advice to give because I am currently going through the same thing with my husband. I do feel better knowing that I am not the only woman who feels this way. My husband is always putting pressure on me to find a job but he also exspects me to continue doing all of my motherly and wife duties as well.
Hang in there I hope we both come up with a solution.Please let me know if you do.Thank you

K.

Getting a job to prove a point may help. When you go to work, make sure that he understands that all of the things that you did alone before must be split equally and done TO YOUR STANDARDS. It will not last long before he tires of working all day and then spending his precious evenings and weekends cleaning and maintaining the home and yard and doing the laundry, grocery shopping and not to mention child rearing. You did not say what the ages of your children are so I make this statement without knowledge of your child care requirements.

Men generally beleive that taking care of the details of the home irregardless if the woman works or not is still her responsiblilty. I deal with this myself everyday and it is frustrating. It is especially hard when you are married to a man whose own mother coddled him to the point where he has no idea how to do even basic things like properly clean a tub. I work full time, have 2 children and still for the most part do all of the home care. I will give credit where it is due, my husband will pick up the main living areas and vacuum. But I do not pat him on the back for doing things that he should be doing anyway. Good Luck.

This may sound completely insane, but one way I have been able to get my point across when it comes to household duties is to just GO ON STRIKE. It is hard for your husband to see how much you have done all day when he comes home and the house is clean, the laundry is done, the beds are made, the dinner is ready..... let all of it go for about 3 days, and he might have a change of heart. Once, my husband had a meltdown because I had decided not to cook dinner one night. He acted like it was the end of the world and just went ON AND ON AND ON about me not cooking, which infuriated me, because I cook EVERY day and make EVERYTHING from scratch - I am very "ANTI-FOOD-IN-A-BOX". I was so angry with him that I went the next day and bought 90 TV dinners (one for myself, my husband and my son for a month). He NEVER complained about me taking a night off from cooking again. :) Since men's logic is not the same as a woman's, sometimes they have to see the alternative before the "get it."

I suggest leaving for a nice 4 day weekend without the children. Leave a list of all of you daily activities/chores, and add a few "abosolutely needs to be done". Express that you want the house as clean as you left it. And then, have fun!! They have ER for the really serious issues!! Sometimes my husband "forgets" all that I do in a day, and doesnt realize just how tiring and challenging my day can be..

You can go on vacation for a week and leave him with all the chores! Ha,ha. But seriously, Do you have children? If so, kudos to you for staying home and raising them. As for your husband, I suggest you itemize all the jobs you do around the house and errands you run during the week. For example, Nanny, Housekeeper, Personal Shopper, etc. Then research how much each profession earns. That's how much you're worth. Let's face it, you're worth way more than that! No one can replace you as your children's mom.

Ask him what it would cost to hire someone to do everything you do if you died suddenly. I assume you have small children. They would need full-time daycare. He would need to hire a housekeeper to cook and keep the house clean. He would need a babysitter anytime he had a late meeting at work or wanted to go out for the evening. He would need a chaffeur to take the kids to all of their after school activites (ballet, soccer, gymnastics, baseball, football, etc) and to stay with them at the event if he could not be there. He would have to do more too: grocery shopping, clothes shopping, birthday present shopping, Wal-mart shopping, etc. I think I read somewhere that the average housewife/mother should make about $150,ooo per year. Hope this helps! You might also goe away for a long weekend with your girlfriends and leave him to take care of all 4 kids by himself. Make sure you do it on a weekend when he will have to take the kids to a birthday party or a soccer game or something. It would be great if he had to go to the grocery store (with all 4 kids) or take them all out to dinner. Good luck!!

Honey, I know how that goes! You get no respect because you're not bringing in any income. But being a SAHM is an importatnt job! I stayed home with my kids for the first few years of their lives, kept an immaculate home and always had meals on the table when he came home. They don't realize or appreciate what you do on a day to day basis until you go back to work. Try not to do your regular routine with laundry, cleaning, and all the other 'fun' stuff around the house. It's super hard, but do it for about 3 days...or more if you can bear it. If you can't do it (I'm a neat freak), then spend those days out and about, shopping, go to the movies, visit some friends, anything to avoid the housework. When he comes home each day and finds the place a mess, let him know that this is what it looks like when you don't "go to work" everyday. Sometimes our husbands need to SEE to believe what we do is important. good luck!

I'm a stay at home mom, too. I feel lucky to be able to afford to stay home, but don't forget about the expenses of running a household when both parents work. How much would you have to pay someone to take care of your kids while you both worked? If you are doing all the cooking and cleaning, then think of how much money it costs to hire someone to do that work. There are services that run errands for busy families, like picking up dry cleaning and prescriptions- how much do they charge? Everything you do all day would cost your family money if you were working and hired someone else to do it all. I hope that helps you figure out your monetary contribution - and of course there is no way to assign a money value to the love your children are getting from you and the peace that you provide your household by not having to shunt everyone to daycare, to work, school, etc. Good luck! and enjoy your time at home.

I know this sounds immature but you should go on strike!!!! I don't think he'll realize how much you do until it's not done.

Hi H.,
This is a tough one. I found what helps a lot...having your husband take your place for a couple of hours. Not only did it open up my husband's eyes, but he learned how much he enjoys the time w/them. (Meaning how much he misses out while he's at work). It's not all roses, but at least we take turns understanding each other's jobs. Might help if you worked before being a stay at home mom. I worked like everyone else prior to kids. So, I know what it means to "go to work". The only difference; not all jobs are alike.
Hope this helps. Do keep up the good work. In the longrun, you'll see it will pay off.
-L. F. Murfreesboro, TN

Hi~
Your letter reminds me of a little joke I read. Here it is to the best of my memory:
A father to some pre-school children came home one evening to find the half dressed children playing in the yard with no supervision. A trail of sand and cereal led him into the house where food and dirty dishes were everywhere. He asked, "Where is your mother?" and one of the kids said, "She's upstairs in bed." Thinking that she must be seriously ill or injured, he rushed upstairs to find his wife in bed watching TV. He shouted at her, "What's the meaning of all this?" She calmly asked him, "You know how you usually come home and ask me what I did all day?" He said, "Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?" She said, "Well . . . Today I didn't do it!"

All I can advise is to treat him with honor and respect, use the money he makes frugally and tell him that you're doing the most important job in the world -- rearing his kids!

Blessing 2 U!

P.S. I'm a 50 year old grandma to 3 and Mom to 4 adults who I stayed home with for 20 years. My mother was a SAHM and his mom worked (and she rather expected me to, but, thankfully, he never did until I was ready to).

Let him do it. You never understand till you walk a mile in someone's shoes. Maybe that is what he needs.

I am very fortunate because my husband has wanted me to stay home since before we had kids. I now have been home for 11 years and I actually home school my children. I gave up a paralegal position in Charlotte to stay home. I thank God everyday that He has allowed me to stay home with my kids. I could not imagine having to go back to work after 10 weeks or so of having my babies. I really do have a high respect for those women who work because I couldn't imagine coming home everyday and then working again by cooking and cleaning and homework, laundry, etc. A while back there was a show done on either 20/20 or Dateline and they showed that a mother who went back to work costs more than a mother who stayed home. They said her salary barely covered the expenses of working. I saw the people who suggested you call a day care, but also take into consideration the wear and gas on your car, the new clothes you have to have, the pantyhose you need to buy, the shoes, the meals you will eat out because you are too tired to cook, the weekends that are spent cleaning and catching up on laundry because you can't do it during the week so less time with the kids. Take all that into consideration. I'm sure there is more so add them into there too. Also, your children are being raised by someone else! First a day care, then school, then back to day care until 5 or 6 at night. School starts at 7:20 and then they don't get home until 6 or so each night (and if you have to go to the grocery store, that's longer for them). They are gone from the house 11 hours! So who is raising them?? Not you and your husband! Instead of having him prove the financial rewards, you prove, on paper, that it would be beneficial to stay home. Have your figures and show him. Also throw in there about the kids not being home and being raised by someone else with values I'm sure are way different than yours.

Do you have kids at home? I always explain it as "children are the most important thing in the world, therefore staying home to care for them is the most important job."

HI H.,
Allow hubby to stay home in your place for about one or two days then I bet you he WILL get it! If we got paid what we were worth we would all be millionaires for sure! We are taxi drivers,councelors,maids,cooks,teachers,and the list goes on and on. So..set it up so you guys can trade places and then he'll leave you alone about it...because he'll gladly go back to his job!

Blessings,
M....proud MOM of 4 :)

Hi H.! I am sorry to hear of your situation. However, what you are trying to prove, your worth as a homemaker, will not be able to be done through words. It can only be done by the fruit of your actions.

I am a stay at home mom, my husband does encourage that, but he also considers it goofing off all day. My response is to not combat with him, but everytime I have an opportunity to thank him, ie. I attend a school function-"Thank you for allowing me to stay home with our child, I can be there for her it means so much to both of us, I am glad I can do this; and I thank him for it, it gives him a since of accomplishment because he is providing for us. It will only be in your change of attitude and response to his negativity, in a positive way that his attitude will change.

I don't want you to think that I have some high and mighty way about me,because I don't. I have always been a stay at home mom, but hated it until I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Once I was saved, I began to live out motherhood and my marriage as God prescribed and it changed my life and the life of my family. My child came to Christ almost a year later and my husband almost a year to the date. When he was asked "What brought you to this decision?", his comment was, "The changes I saw in D. and Sarah." God is so good. HE (God) says in His word(The Bible)"Wives follow the lead of your husbands. Suppose some of them don't believe God's word. Then let them be won to Christ without words by seeing how their wives behave. Let them see how pure you are. Let them see that your lives are full of respect for God." (I Peter 3:1-2, NIV) I can only say these things to you, because I was married and divorced and married again before I knew the Lord. I tried it my way and it was not until I did it God's way that it worked. You did not say if you or your husband are a Christian, if you have asked Jesus into your heart. I urge you to do so first if you have not and begin to seek God's will and to pray for God to change your husband's heart. I will be praying for you and your family. feel free to contact me persoanlly and I will give you my number if you would like to discuss anything I have said more. I just have such a heart for the Lord and how He really can change lives by just doing what He says in His word. I am proof of that, but by no means have not perfected it. I seek the Lord daily. He is not looking for perfection. He(God) only wants us to come as we are, believe, and trust in Him.

I will be praying for you and your family. Please call if I can be of any help.
Sincerely,
D. S.

According to Salary.com, the average stay-at-home mom should make $135,000 a year if she were working outside the home.

"The job titles that best matched a mom's definition of her work are (in order of hours spent per week): housekeeper, day care center teacher, cook, computer operator, laundry machine operator, janitor, facilities manager, van driver, CEO, and psychologist."

I thought it was interesting. You might want to share that number with your husband.

I'm sure you can find it on the web but someone out there calculated how much a woman would make for all the work an at home mom does and it was a pretty astonishing amount. Find that and show it to him.

H., I feel your pain sister. Unless you make enough to cover all the expenses of working(daycare,travel,clothing,etc)
and want to hold a job outside of the home it is not worth it. My husband was raised by a single mom and was always in childcare or unsupervised when he was older. It was hard for him to understand my need and want to stay home also. It was only until I did go back to work with our second child and he realized that I was always stressed out and barely making enough to cover the expenses of working, that he realized it was better for me to be at home. They get a hot breakfast and he gets coffee every morning, the house is always clean, the kids are happier and healthier, I am not stressed out, and I have time to fix them a nutritous meal instead of takeout fo dinner. I think a lot of people in general view staying at home as being lazy, however it is a VERY hard job. Leave him with the children for a day without any kind of assistance. He will quickly realize how important your job is!

Have you considered starting a home based business. This way you get what you need and your husband has what he wants...an additional stream of income in the home. I started a homebased business with Arbonne International and it has been great. You have the luxury of being a stay at home mom and still contribute financially to the home. Consider it. It's a great way for stay at home moms to still work while taking care of the first priority, the children.

visit my site at www.abriggs.myarbonne.com

Good luck honey, I have tired to tell my husband the same thing for 26 years. Some men just don't get it and never will. Don't worry about it anymore and just be happy with how you feel about it, you know how much you are worth and how things would change at home if you weren't there. You could give him a little taste of what it would be like if you did work and how he would have to help out at home if you weren't there, get a job for a month, he may very well change how he feels. I've had to do that a time or two in the last 26 years.

I consider staying home with your kids as an economic investment! By being with them (especially in those early years), you help form a happy, healthy brain. That pays off in the long run. A man named Art Rolnick of the Federal Reserve Bank did an analysis of money spent in early childhood education and the effects on society. For every $1 spent on early childhood, you get a $16 return. You teach your kids to be successful - which in turn, makes them contributing members to society. You are woth it!

Good luck! I think is may be a more "I work harder than you and it's not fair." argument. Parade magazine listed, by area code what a stay-at-home mom would be paid according to all of the jobs that we do. If you have 4 kids at home, I can't imagine that you would come out ahead financially if you went to work. You two need to sit down and talk about what your priorities are as a family and how you think you can achieve your goals. His family shouldn't dictate how you live your lives. Maybe there's a little bit of jealousy on their part that you are not working and they are making comments that stick in his mind? You can go to parade on line and maybe look up what your worth. In my area it was close to $150,000! I would not make that much if I went to work. Good luck!

Check out this link, which gives an estimate on the worth of the stay at home mom in savings toward childcare as well as all the extra duties you do in taking care of your home and children...This should certainly be an eye-opener for him...

http://www.drdaveanddee.com/momsalary.html

there was a similar request aboutt he same situation the other day...i wrote her a responce that she found quite amusing and useful...maybe it will help you too if you check it out.

Here is what I did and my husband came around real quick. Go to or call a day care center and find out how much it will cost to put ALL of your kids in daycare. Ones that need full time and ones that would need before/after school care. Then find out how much the average salary would be for a job you are qualified for. Even as a paralegal making excellent money in Florida, I was paid weekly. It took two of my paychecks to pay for before/after school care for 3. I ended up having to quit my job because our 3 children turned in to monsters. The stuff that was coming out of their mouths, their behaviour, all got out of hand. The selling point for the day care was the children would be doing their homework right after school. They actually gave the kids a choice, homework or play. The daycare told me they could not make the kids do their homework. Which one do you think the kids picked? I was wrung out. I worked from 8-5:30 then came home and cooked supper and did all of the "home" things, plus had to get 3 kids to get their homework done. My children are now older and I am a REALTOR. It allows for me to be more flexible than most jobs, but I still show homes in the evening and on the weekends. I just have to schedule around school things and doctor appointments. One job that I did do, is substitute teach. That way, I worked at my kids' school and I took them to school and brought them home from school. If they were out of school for the day, I didn't have to worry about it because I wouldn't get called for a job. You have to do what is right for your children. Not sure this has helped, but it is just what happened in my family.

May God bless you my fellow homemaker. You can never explain your "worth" as a home maker/ stay at home mom. You're priceless. The only way he will have any idea is when you go on a extended weekend vacation and leave him with the kids. You'll probably miss taking care of your family, but it will give him an idea of all the things you have to do on a daily basis. I will be taking one of those mini vacations myself this spring. For me I just went out with a friend for a the entire day. Since then he still complains a little, but he definitely respects me as a SAHM.

Both my husband and I thought for the longest time that we HAD to have 2 incomes to make it. We did what we had to do in order to keep 2 paychecks coming in the house even though our marriage suffered for it. We thought we were doing what was best for the children. I lost my job just before Thanksgiving in 2005, and it devastated me at first because I was sure that I was going to be the source of our financial ruin. Turns out that the part time job I got shortly thereafter (I returned to school and worked on my non class days) was nothing by play money for us- we could pay all the bills on his paycheck! We realized that by me not working, we were actually saving money. The cost of 2 vehicles (gas, maintence, insurance, car payment) adds up, daycare is expensive, those trips to the drive thru when you're too tired from working all day to cook add up, worrying about if you're "spending enough time with the kids" is a huge stress, and not to mention, worrying about if you 2 are spending enough time together. My biggest advice to you would be to make sure that his paycheck can cover the bills before you do anything. We did hit a rough spot that landed us in bankruptcy court earlier this month, but that was because we were still trying to pay the bills that WE made on HIS paycheck and due to several family deaths last year, he missed quite a bit of work and I withdrew from school so we got pretty far behind on everything.

Hi H.,
You need to tell him to do your job one day and see if he thinks its easier then. Men don't understand how hard it is to be a housewife. Just, on the weekend, make him do everything that you do in one day. I know after that, he'll respect you alot more for what you do.

I too am a stay at home mom with two boys, 4 years and 6 months. I do however sell Home Interiors and bring in enough money to help pay a few of the bills. Maybe you could try it. For more information you can visit my website at www.homeinteriors.com/rjross
Also I would leave him home with the kids one day and that might help change his tune.

Take a week off and go visit someone. Or go to the beach with a friend. By the time you get back he will be begging you to stay home.

go here: http://swz.salary.com/momsalarywizard/htmls/mswl_momcente...

this is one of my fav emails received in my life:

JUST A MOM?
A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk 's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself."What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job or are you just a......?""Of course I have a job," snapped the woman. "I'm a Mom." "We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like,"Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "What is your occupation?" she probed. What made me say it? I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. "Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?" Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field,(normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?)and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom." Motherhood! What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door. Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" and great grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"?I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants".

The best way for him to "get it" is to leave for about 3-4 days. If your husband is set in his ways then 2 days may suffice. Then he'll see the light. I will sometimes just go run errands and my husband will ask what time I think I'll be back.-----Give it a try. I bet he'll appreciate you in ways you've never known when you return. Good luck!