Am I Overreacting? What Do You Think Should Be Done?

Up until the notebook incident, I thought this was just normal kid stuff. It's not. This little girl needs a psych eval.-ASAP. I don't know if punishment would be the route to go at this point. Writing about wanting bad things to happen and then talking about it is on the sociopathic side. Before you want to start worrying about doing time for beating up 6 year old girls, I say don't get yourself too emotionally involved, I know it's hard,as far as wanting to defend your daughter goes, because this IS another 6yr old, not an older kid or an adult, and you are going to want to let your daughter handle her own on some things. That being said, this little mean girl may be in a worse situation than your daughter, so try not to feel too vengeful, just because you may have a happy home does not mean that others are that lucky. I would definately contact the school, perhaps the guidance counselor, I think you will get a more positive response by working the "will someone please make sure"Polly" is ok(at home, etc), she seems to be very inwardly angry" angle, rather than "she hurt my kid, she needs to pay". Now, I'm going to catch a lot of flack for this one, but I'm going to say it; Teach your daughter how to defend herself physically, if you can't or won't, try martial arts. I know the penalties for fighting are severe these days, but sometimes, when a kid is being bullied into a corner, it is better for that kid to stand up for themself, rather than get sick with anxiety everyday before school, or worse, worse yet, bring a weapon to school.

3 moms found this helpful

No I agree you are not over reacting, although careful with the smacking her silly. My daughter is now 12 and has always been everybodys friend. She still gets upset when another child is mean, rude, or bullys another person. Definitely keep up on what is going on so that when necessary step in and take action. My daughter would always come talk to me when it is starting to "get to her". We discuss how to handle it, once she has vented. It gives her PROPER ammunition for when the battle comes; i.e. don't name call back as much as you want to b/c that makes you like him/her; walk away if possible; get with adult authority especially if you feel threatened; etc. . She will meet ALL kinds of people in life. Remember, when one mean child is gone, it seems another is there to take the place. Learn when to flee and when to fight, and when to just shrug, laugh, & roll it off. I always tell her to pray for that child as he/she really needs Gods help. Most important, teach her not to let ANYBODY steal her Joy she has been blessed with as it blesses others.

2 moms found this helpful

Yes you should be concerned but I agree with Brooke. Typically when a child has the ability to act like that at school there is a much deeper issue at home. I am a teacher. I have taught quite a few emotionally disturbed children. Polly may not be technically emotionally disturbed (I don't know her & am not anywhere near qualified to make that judgment) but at least needs some counseling. The angle of trying to get polly help might be your best bet to get it changed. This child is definately suffering with something. As a parent it may be hard to empathize but as a teacher my heart goes out to the little girl. The parents would not be receptive to you but might be slightly more receptive to hearing this stuff about their child from a counselor. And the counselor has confidentiality requirements to follow & would not be able to tell Polly's parents what child/children this involves which may help in not placing the blame on someone else. Good luck with this.

2 moms found this helpful

i agree that this girl definitely has some issues that she needs help for. i do not think that you are overreacting at all. that is not a normal thing for a 6 year old to do. i think that you need to be sure the school handles this properly and not just give this girl a "slap on the wrist". with the crazy things that are happening in this world in regards to school violence, i would not let this one slide. i would think this is the type of thing a school should have a zero tolerance policy on. even though they are only 6 year olds, this is definitely a problem for this girl that has the potential to turn into who knows what!

good luck and let us know how it goes!

1 mom found this helpful

S.,
If I were in this situation, I would be LIVID as well, my oldest daught has been bullied several times and it hurts me terribly bad. So, I understand a little on this. I would definetly INSIST on a parent/parent meeting, and I would also INSIST that my child get removed from that class room. Your husband might think that you are getting a little overboard... but in this generation, we have children shooting other children at school. It isn't the same as when we were growing up. And if she is already wanting bad things to happen.. that is a sign for sure!!! This needs to be all brought out and don't let them just sweep this under the rug as if nothing was said. Remember, you are your childs advocate.. and you are the one to protect her at all times.
God Bless you.

1 mom found this helpful

It's time to "nip this in the butt". You already have an established relationship with the parents so talk to them in person or over the phone (don't email it's not as effective). Let te parents know what you heard and voice your concerns and how you feel it was inappropriate. Directly ask them to talk to Polly and discuss why she wrote and said what she did and ask how they will address it. Don't be afraid to resolve this. Most importantly talk to your daughter and discuss how to handle Polly if she verbally or physically attacks her and how she doesn't need those type of frienemies. Sounds like you need to make Chloe aware who to associate herself with and who to distance herself with even if it means no more party invites to Polly.

1 mom found this helpful

Wow, I feel for you! I don't have girls but have heard many stories! They can be so mean! I do not think you are overreacting at all. That said, remember the movie "Step Mom"? She taught her daughter something really creative as a come back to the mean girls. I would definitely have a talk with your daughter as to how she can handle things herself. Chances are when her parents get called into it, things could get ugly. However, on the flip side, maybe there is something going on in her life causing her to act in this manner. Always consider both sides because you don't know what's going on over there! I will pray this gets handled and does not go any further! Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

you said it all in your closing, you have "an extra cool daughter" perhaps the other child is one of several in her family and not so "cool" maybe she is lashing out because you can spend extra time with yours. you said her father was at school not mommy and that makes a big difference. does she have a mommy or a MOTHER figure in her life? she did behave at your party and you were still mad. maybe you can have a one on one play date for you and your daughter and her. i am thinking she is responding as she sees people at home respond and needs extra cool outside guidance to help her along. how about inviting her to your Sunday school with your daughter on Sunday?

1 mom found this helpful

Does your school have a zero tolerance policy? I would get a copy of it, and point out to the administrator how they are not enforcing it. If this is a private school their enrollment will be negatively impacted by their lack of enforcement. Go calmly to the principle, if you don't get results go higher until you are heard. I called the school board one time, got results the same day.

You have to be calm, state the facts, try not to be emotional: I need my daughter in a safe environment, it is your job to supply that, how are you going to do that? Let them talk, then state the question again. Keep bringing them back to this question until they can give you concrete steps they are going to take and follow up to make sure they have done what they said they would do.

Also, teaching your daughter to defend herself is a good idea.

1 mom found this helpful

Ok, I feel your frustration. I do not think you are over reacting. I had this same conversation with my girl friend last week. We were discussing a sassy 1st grader that bossed our girls and told other kids to not be friends with them. So, welcome to this age group. Obviously, Polly has some misguided parenting or maybe her parents are trying to correct her behavior, but have not found the correct tactic.
My hope is that your school will take this behavior pretty serious. My guess is that Polly will get a slap on the hand. I think if children are directed sternly from an authority figure, often they get it. I think the school should hold a group meeting of parents and children. Sometimes parents need a wake up call as to their child's behavior. When a meeting is held and the children hear the game plan for a solution, they are more apt to comply. Yes, I would be just as frustrated. People need to understand that our kids get older every passing day. If we let things slid, they will be old enough to know better and NOT know anything. Have a blessed day.

Ok I know you are angry, and I would be too. It's really hard to watch your child be bullied by someone. I think that the behavior that has happened recently is absolutely scary. I think you should insist that the parents of Polly and yourself should have a meeting along with the school administrators. I mean talking of how you want someone to be hurt is extremely distructive behavior, and it sounds to me like something is going on with Polly. She may need some counceling of some sort. I mean that is not typical 6 year old behavior. It's scary, and her parents really need to know what's going on with their child. Maybe there is something wrong. I know it's hard to see past the red hot anger, but I would also be concerned for Polly. I mean what is going on in her life that would cause her to be distructive like that? Plus you also have the safety of your daughter and the other children in the class as well. What if Polly begins to act on her thoughts of distruction? I think the school needs to take more action than just talking to Polly. This is not acceptable behavior, and could potentially mean harm to another student. You should be involved in all the different actions the school will be taking as well as Polly's parents. I hope that this child gets some help. It really sounds like she has something going on in her life that could be causing her to lash out at others.

This child has problems and her parents may or may not be aware of them. They need to however know from the school, what is going on. Your child needs to be kept from her, either the parents are up to something or the child needs to be seen by a Dr. She has some anger issues and may start to act them out. Take care.

GM S.,

You r definitely NOT over-reacting....that's what u call bullying...it's good that it got to the the teacher & to the Principal....we have tragedies happen even w/Elementary kids....someone needs to talk to her...she definitely has issues (she's not all there)....my son was also getting bullied a few weeks back and the same thing happened...the teacher was told...she told the councler and the Principal...and they pulled those 2 kids and they spoke to them....and thank goodness they have left my son alone. But as a parent it's our job to take care of our kids and protect them.....they need to know that we r there for them no matter what! I hope they kick that evil kid out of ur school so ur daughter could b more at peace....at her age she shouldn't be worrying about what's gonna happen to her the next day at school....I hope everything works out with ur daughter....take care!

I was reading very hard to see if you attend my school! Your situation just fuels my fire!!!

You are absolutely NOT over reacting because these are all warning signs. Trust me - 6yo's and 2nd grade is NOT too young these days.

If the school does nothing about these actions, I would suggest you call Polly's parents and discuss these issues with them. If they blow you off - which it sounds like they will because they have learned to overlook the actions of their precious angel - talk to your daughter. Unfortunately she may have to understand at a very young age that not all people are nice. Explain to her that she should avoid Polly (we had 8 kids in 2nd/3rd and 9 in 4th) the best she can. She should be polite when possible, but sit beside other kids when seats are available and drill into her that she tell you anything that happens between her and Polly. Make it a part of your everyday "how was school" conversation.

If the bad behavior continues or escalates (which is probably will), go directly to the school administration. If this doesn't get results, let the involved parties know that you intend to contact an attorney for advice. If the school has a bully policy - make the school accountable to enforce it.

BTW - you should contact the school yourself - don't wait to be contacted based on the lastest events. Implant yourself in the process.

Keep in mind that you still have time before next school year to interview / visit new schools. A change may be what's needed.

There was a blog in the Chronicle yesterday regarding bullies in school. I wrote a blog note on my FB about our experience in 2nd grade. Make sure your husband understands that Polly knows exactly what she's doing - and little girls at this age know how to manipulate adults.

Good luck - touch base with me if want to.

You already have a lot of responses and advice, so I will try to keep this short. You are right to try to protect your child, but you cannot make the world perfect for your daughter. This is a great - although VERY tough - life lesson for your daughter. There are going to be people that she likes and wants to be around that just do not reciprocate. Eventually, it will be boys -she is going to have a crush on a boy that does not like her, and I think it is a much easier lesson to learn now than when her hormones are raging! She cannot control whether or not they like her; she can only control herself- who she is friends with and how she acts. I would use this as an opportunity to teach my daughter that not everyone likes someone else and while it is very sad that Polly is not nice, it does not reflect on her. I am sure that you can use this as a lesson on being nice, too. I know your daughter does not like EVERYONE. I would use this to teach my daughter that we need to be nice to everyone, even if we do not like them. She may be acting like "Polly" to other children without intending to be mean. Everyone has a bad day, and during a moment of frustration, we may ruin someone else's day.
I do not think Polly's behavior or her parent's behavior is excusable, but I do think some compassion would be more helpful than going with "scolding." Put yourself in the father's shoes. My guess is that the dad was not sure what else to do, and he will not know what else to do unless someone helps him. I would turn to the father and begin a discussion so that the anger you are building up can be turned into positive energy. My guess is that Polly is having a tough time at home, and maybe your support will be enough. Just an offer of help may open the floodgates, and he will likely tell you that is just as frustrated as you.
I do not think that it is okay to make a "list of bad things that can happen" to anyone, but I do not think any punishment is going to help. My guess is Polly is not getting enough attention - so a little love might be the remedy. Of course, without knowing more, I cannot say that definitively. All I do know is that if any child wants to be friends with someone who is mean, it is your job to help her see that she is still a good person, but it is probably time to find better friends.
Oh, and as for the school, it has been my experience (teaching in public, private, nice areas and poor areas) that the school is not equipped to handle the situation. Psychologists MIGHT intervene, but most likely all they can do is separate the girls if you are lucky and "talk" to the parents.
I wish you the best of luck and let me know if there is anything else I can do to help!

All the incidents should be documented & given to the teacher, school counselor, associate principal & principal. Do not expect them to copy your paperwork. Request a meeting. You are going in to discuss bullying and future danger to your child. Tell them you expect them to watch the children with this problem in mind & that you will tell your daughter that she can go to them for help & that you expect them to listen if she does. The physical event happened after school & out of their jurisdiction. The birthday party business is just rudeness on the parents part & unkindness on their daughters. That Polly was nice once & caused your daughter to note it just means that in general there has been something going on on a regular basis & should be noted to the school.
On your part -
You do not need to invite Polly into your home this year. Youu need to supervise any activity where they may be together more closely. If Polly harms your daughter again you do not have to wait for the parent to take charge. Tell Polly calmly after you have checked on Chloe that her behavior is unacceptable. You should also request a meeting with Polly's parents. They may decline. If they accept tell them you are concerned about their daughter's hostility to your child. Tell them you understand they are still young but that the hostility is causing a problem for your child. You are sure they will speak to their daughter & that you are sure they would want to be notified of any future events so it could be corrected before it becomes part of their child's permanent behavior. & Sound as sweet & polite & concerned for both kids as you can.
Up to this point it sounds like all you have done is fume. Which doesn't show your daughter anything other than an example to just "take it". It means the school is unaware of the problem. It means Polly's parents only know of one isolated incident & really since you invited their daughter over they think Chloe likes Polly since they only invited kids their daughter liked. Choe needs to know she isn't helpless.
Then follow through. If with even increased watchfulness on your part & the schools & Polly's parents something does happen then document it. (If minor- just remind the school that it has to stay alert) & let the parents know it in a phome call. If it is major document it & tell the parents that this is really unacceptable. If the school has a counselor the child may need to go in for a few sessions. If not you may have to file an information report with the police. All this of course depends on how major things get. It sounds like Polly is in charge at home. I am sorry your husband is not on board neither was mine. My son was bullied at school & it took a long time to get it taken seriously even though his attacks were happening at the school. The main thing is to let your daughter know that you are doing something, that she should report things that happen at the school to the teacher, has permission to defend herself, & that it is Polly's problem that makes her act like that. You might also want to get some of the stories on bullies & read them together.

Hey S.,

No you are not overreacting. Had the same thing happen with my daughter when she was in Kindergarten. She would tell me everyday about things this one little bully would do to her. Everytime I would go to the teachers and would be told that it was addressed. Finally, I was told that her parents had been spoken to about the matter. The next time something happened I called the parents myself.

The parents were so "oh, she just is so smart that she doesn't really know how to play correctly sometimes"---my thought is that they were total idiots.

Then the little brat hit my daughter in the back with her umbrella. Last straw....I marched up to the little darling the next morning and told her that if I ever again heard that she did something to hurt my daughter that I would make sure that she would get moved out of the class or out of the school.

Guess what......had a quick confrontation with the mom the following morning but the little brat never hurt my kid again.

Good luck,
DH

She's been turned in. The principal even knows this. This is a good thing in case it is a warning sign of some kind. But, kids will be kids. Focus on teaching your daughter some values about friendship and what to accept and what not accept. Teach her about not wanting certain people to be her friends if they aren't going to treat her right. Also, teach her how to get along cordially in a small group environment when someone else is there that doesn't like her. It's hard I know. But, don't overreact. Just keep an eye on it. Words can hurt. But, this is a good learning experience for your daughter. Let the principal handle it how she needs to. If anything else happens, the principal will be well aware of the previous incident. And, on the Father's behalf, give him benefit of the doubt for now. You don't know how he handles it when he got home. Hopefully, he did something about it. Regarding the notebook, she probably does like Chloe but got embarrassed when the girl asked about it and came up with an extreme response. I could totally see my son doing the same thing. I'm not saying it is right or to ignore it, but that it might not mean what you think it means. I too am in a similar situation with my daughter. At this point, I am focusing on teaching my daughter some social values. If it ever gets worse, then I will redirect my focus on the other student.

You've received some great responses, here's my 2 cents.

I personally think emotional bullying should be taken as seriously as physical bullying so I think you are right to be upset. At the same time there isn't much you can do because you are not there at school with her all day. So instead just talk to your daughter and make sure she knows that there is nothing wrong with her, and that Polly is a miserable little girl and because of that she likes to make other people feel bad to make herself feel better. Stress to her that it is important to treat everyone fairly and with respect but that she does not need to be friends with everyone or play with everyone, and the best thing to do is to keep those 2 away from each other! That may be what you can tell the school too.

My son has had similar incidents at his afterschool program, and i spoke with the teacher to make sure the kids are not playing together. His after school teachers are really great about monitoring things, but no one is perfect, and unfortunately we really don't have eyes in the back of our heads.

So I would suggest to keep in close touch with her teacher and continue to monitor the situation.

You can't control what others do, only how you react to it. So all you can do is keep bringing your daughter up the right way!

Hang in there, this will pass and she will be a better person for having gone through this!

We have a little girl ( about 9 ) in our neighborhood that I 've 'banned' from our house. She lives in our neighborhood and she plays with all the neighborhood kids, including my son. But this girl in the past has gone as far as coming out with a real knife because she got so mad at the other children. And no not all parents will see their children's unacceptable behavior. My son knows he is never allowed to play with her ALONE, I can't very well tell him he has to stay inside just because she's outside playing. He shouldn't be punished for her actions. He is never allowed to go inside her house, and she is not allowed in ours. I don't worry about anyone's feelings being hurt, or playing 'nice' with neighbors, I only look out for my son's safety first and do what I feel needs to be done.
This Polly needs help, she's only 6, don't wait until she's 9 and it gotten worse. Her parents needs to know everything. Hold them accountable. In the meantime, keep her daughter away from her. No invites over, no anything. Document every incident, every person involved, etc.
Like one mom stated, it may be overkill but if it gets out of control call the police and file. That will get everyone's attention.

Polly needs more than a slap on the wrist, she needs a good spanking and an attitude adjustment. Mean girls just get meaner as they age. Girls can be aweful, and your daughter doesn't deserve this. You are right to be upset. I hope everything well at the meeting. I think you have a "pre-meeting" with the principle to explain "Polly's" disturbing behavior before her parents arrive, tell the school about the incident where Polly kicked her in the crotch. That is very disturbing, esp a list of "bad things she wants to happen to her" Even 6 years olds can be devious and cruel, esp. I wonder makes going on in her home to make her act out that way. I would take it as far as you can.
Good luck, and I'll say a prayer for you. I'm sorry I don't have any better advice to give you.

PS I really liked the advice From: Nancyrae S Date: Wed.
Nov. 18, 2009
I think you shouldn't underestimate even a 6year old. My friend has a son that age that can tell lies and cry to make you belive him....when I found out he was lieing I was SHOCKED. My friend and I have constant talks with him about it.

Whatever needs to be done needs to be done. However, it shouldn't be done without her parents. I can't believe that her parents won't be notified. You should insist.

WOW! I don't think your over reacting at all! Kids can be so mean sometimes! Crazy it starts so soon! If it were me, I would have her change classes or schools or home school, at least for the year, maybe put her back in next year. But I would keep them apart. She has already caused pain.
A friend of my mom's daughter had a similar issue, her girl was getting picked on and rumors were started (at like 9) so she took her out and has home schooled her, and she is much better for it! Good luck!

it is natural to want to protect our children and I am not sure how I'd react if it was mine but being livid with the child is for your daughter to be - you on the other hand need to handle the adults!

None of this sounds fair and it sounds like a lack of training at home but since we do not live under their roof we can not lay that blame either.

I believe that children are naturally strong they have no idea the damage they can impose upon an other. Maybe the parents are just not completely aware of what and how their daughter is behaving cause I think they'd put forth the effort to change and help if they were educated on her actions a little! I just know that if I was not confronted (not attacked) I would not be able to help out the situation with my own children. Attacking the parents will not halp the situation either remember they love their child also and see her as being a sweet little angel also (love is blind)!

Good luck it is so hard to do things the right way cause we are all different in feelings and how we handle situations

I'm so sorry, I know what you're going through. My oldest daughter had a similar problem with a little girl ALL THROUGH elementary school. Every year I'd think, 'Thank goodness, no more Ashton' and then they'd be in the same class AGAIN. I finally reqested that they be separated prior to 5th grade and my daughter had a MUCH better year. Before that I felt like asking to separating them would be inappropriate and overkill, but now I wish I'd done it sooner. By the end of 5th grade, the little girl had actually toned down and was civil towards my daughter. Having them separated was the best thing I ever did. The problem we had was that ALL the children in this particular family caused no end of trouble at school. The rumor was that the little girl's older brother had been EXPELLED from his previous school, so the parents had to drive them to our school (no bus service). I don't know if that was true or not but I know they lived outside our district, and the older brother was a known bully, but when any of the parents would try to talk to his parents about the situation, they were in complete denial. The parents were very young and believed their children were perfect, no matter how many other parents, teachers, administrators, etc. told them otherwise. So basically nothing was ever done. The older brother had learned his lesson and never stepped so far over the line as to be expelled again, but I think he came pretty close. I know the little girl who bullied my daughter mercilessly also bullied other children and had other problems as well. Unfortunately, the mother was a super-volunteer who was ALWAYS at the school, so it was really hard for anyone to say anything to her. We pretty much just tried to keep our children away from her, which may be why she started trying to be nicer eventually. We moved after that so I don't know what ever happened with her. My advice to you would be to get your daughter switched out of the bully's class, and to request from now on that she not be in a class with that child. The administrators and teachers want the classrooms to be a place where the students can feel safe and ready to learn, and that can't happen when someone is being bullied, so they shouldn't give you problem with switching. Good luck--let us know what happens!

I'm not sure what I would do! But I do think that this girl, polly, may have some serious mental issues. Writing a list od bad things to happen to another little girl when you are 6 is NOT normal behavior. I would talk to the head of the school and see if they can encourage the parents to have their daughter evaluated. I'm not sure if there is anything you can legally do at this point, but id be keeping a list of every incident just in case things do not get better. I wish you and your daughter the best!!

My question to you: Is there another 2nd grade class room and if there is demand to have your child move there. And if not let the head person of the school know that you are watching them and how they handle your concerns. And that you will go to the School Board.

The parents of this child need to be contacted immediately. And I would insist she meet with a counselor at the school. This child has definitely got potential problems. Girls these days just seem so much meaner than they ever were. I am more than thankful that i have a boy! Good luck and stand your ground. I know it is not feasible to move your child to another class. But, something has got to be done about the attitude of this little girl now before it gets worse.

The school needs to take very firm action - and facts should be made known re: Polly's history of violent behavior. If Polly is allowed to continue this way, certainly some mother's child is going to be hurt, maybe badly. Someone, if not Polly's parents, needs to take responsibility in this, or else what is little Polly going to be like when she's not so little? Your response does not sound like overreacting. At least someone is paying attention here!

No, you are NOT over reacting. Polly's dad handled that poorly and was weak. Clearly she has developed beahvioral issues from such lack of discipline and not learned empathy-which leads to bullying. It makes me angry some parents do not see the long term effects of their laziness and refusal to discipline and explain actions and consequences to their kids and be ready to follow through. Parenting takes ongoing effort.. sadly some people just suck at it.

I think you have really taken the high road! First, congrats on being a class act, setting a perfect example to your child on how to act and not to get 'revenge' and not invite little Veruca Salt (lol, sorry, that kid is a brat) to the party. Your daughter is going to be a very stable kid and if she follows your lead will get lots of new friends anyway. In the meantime I am concerned a mere 6 year old girl would be so focused on making lists of 'bad things' ...so disturbing. I would be profoundly worried if I was 'Polly's ' parents, too. This speaks to something more serious and in need of being addressed. For that kid's sake I hope they do something.

It does sound like the parents need to get involved. What is annoying though is that Polly's parents sound pretty resigned to letting Polly do what she wants. Let's see how they react to the info that P is targeting your daughter. It doesn't even matter why she is at this point (jealousy? At that age?) just that is stops.

The school now knows so it will not snowball.. so that should help. As long as Chloe has such an involved mom she'll be ok. And The next incident (if there is one) speak up, go to the highest person in the school board if you have to- and state your concerns. I truly hope this works out for you and although this offers no 'good' advice just wanted to say you are doing the right thing and importantly doing it in a way that will help your daughter see how mature conflict resolution should take place. That is no small feat, either. I know I would have lost it and told the dad a piece of my mind.. so you should feel good about yourself. Keep us posted, and good luck.