Am I off Base Here? Asking for Help from DH...

Your husband has learned how to say 'No'.
It's a useful skill when applied appropriately.
You need to learn how to say it too.
When the principal sent an email for just one more thing - you should have recognized it was a straw that was breaking your camels back - and you should have said "Sorry I just can't do it this time around.".
When your plate is so full you can not fit one more thing on it, it's kind of hard expecting help when you can't get a grip on your limits.
I'd be annoyed at the principal rather than be annoyed at Hubby for not helping out.

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You have enough on your plate. Sometimes you just have to say, "I can't do that." This is one of those times.

You can send a reply e-mail saying you'd love to help, but you are already stretched to the limit that day because you had a planned doctor's appointment for your daughter.

It really is that simple. Your family does come first.... and your sanity. Don't try to do it all. The meeting WILL go on and there will be people who can bring treats. And if they run out of treats for everybody, OH WELL.

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T., I have to run out, but wanted to quickly say to please not worry about the dessert. You are a saint to be doing all you are already doing. The other ladies can bring dessert - you shouldn't have to.

Either that, or just take a box of cookies.

Hope your daughter is doing okay. (A POX on your husband's boss, by the way!!!)

D.

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I suppose you could be justified in being aggravated with DH, but why waste the energy on that? He probably feels like having some (even tiny) obligation hanging over his head totally negates the "freedom" he was "surprised" with by you picking up the kids. Here's a big juicy apple--oops, not so fast! You can't have it after all.

The place to put any frustration (in my opinion) is with the Principal. Really? The principal asked the PTA to bring in desserts for the PTA meeting? Why not let the principal bring in desserts for the parents volunteering at the PTA meeting? Hmmm? I just think it is rather tacky to send out a last minute email TELLING you guys (who are already serving and working hard!) to bring desserts. Wouldn't you think that if you guys wanted to do that, someone would have brought it up at your last non-general meeting?

That issue aside, just decline. " So sorry. I had previous obligations. "
The end. Don't feel any guilt about it, either.

ETA: After your SWH: I know a lot of people (me included) responded with "don't worry about making anything", and wasn't the point of your question. But it does have something to do with it. They are the reasons that your husband won't help! You just want to know right or wrong about being mad with your husband? Ok, then, NO. You shouldn't be. He is trying to save you from yourself and the principal. AND he is simply trying to enjoy/appreciate what you promised to him by agreeing to take kids to the dr's appt. You asking him for his help with this is reneging on what you promised him--- that he could leave work on time and be free of obligations until you got home later.

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Tell the principal that that is simply not going to happen. Perhaps the principal can provide dessert if it is so important.

ETA - I just read your so what happened. I am AMAZED that the principal e-mails you to say - oh by the way could you just bring by dessert for 100 people. OMG - what is he thinking?

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Don't feel bad if you need to say "no" this time around. You're not the entire PTA, and the responsibility should be shared. You can't do everything that people ask of you. I have a hard time saying "no" to people as well, and my husband is my reality check on it. When I take on too much and start asking him for help, he quickly makes me realize that I shouldn't have said "yes" in the first place.

I'd just let the principal know that this time around you will not be able to bring any items in, but ask the rest of the PTA members if they will contribute something.

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T. yes he's being less than stellar but probably resents that you took on an additional obligation.

I'm going to give you some advice you didn't ask for...take it for what it's worth. As a veteran PTA mom, learn early to not say yes to everything. PTA will suck the life out of you if you let. It takes everything you have to give and unapologetically comes back for more. What you have to learn, especially in the younger grades, is that if you can't do something, plenty of other people will help out. As the kids get older participation drops off and then they really do "need" you but now, everyone wants to pitch in.

I enjoy baking and when given the opportunity, whip up ridiculously labor-intensive desserts at the mere suggestion of bringing dessert. DO NOT be like me. If they really need every board member to bring a dessert, pick up a package of brownie bites at the grocery store bakery this weekend. They won't melt in the car. Here's the thing - NO ONE EATS DESSERT at PTA meetings (especially one at 5:30 in the afternoon). There have been lovely snacks at many, many meetings I've been to over the years and for whatever reason, moms don't eat dessert in front of other moms so they just sit there and then get thrown out. This is not the time or place to put any effort in. Either say that you can't bring anything this time but will help another time or buy something.

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Agree with B.
You volunteered to help. They upped the ante and it ended up being a board position. Now you have to be at the meeting this day, and the principal upped the ante by requesting dessert from the volunteers too? That's ridiculous. Your time and your husband's time are as valuable as the principal's time is. I can see your husband's point of thinking it's ridiculous for him to go out of his way to arrange dessert be delivered for someone who is really pushing the limits. Heck, he's not even going to get a piece of that cake! I suspect your hubby thinks that no only should he not deliver dessert for the principal, but that you should't be making dessert for the principal, either.

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I would tell the principal - NO. Explain your daughter has a doctor's appointment and you will NOT be able to contribute at this time...

If you are determined to do this? Buy something the night before and send it to school with your child. I personally don't like that idea - but if you are determined - do it that way.

As to your husband? What do you want from him? You want him to pick the kids up or pick something up for the school and drop it off? I ask this because your post is all over the place with everything going on - from stress from your daughter's surgery, PTA volunteering morphing into more and now this...conflict with time and what the principal wants...

Tell him what you want and expect. I want you to go to the grocery store and pick up a 12 pack of cupcakes from the bakery department and deliver it to the school. Don't worry about all the other stuff...with men sometimes just use the KISS method - Keep It Simple Silly - don't tell them all the other stuff - that's just "fluff" and gets mixed up in their brains...

Cut out all the other "STUFF" and say this to him:

"John, on Tuesday, August 28th, I need for you to go to the grocery store and pick up cup cakes from the bakery and deliver them to the school."

That's it - end of story. Any more than that and it gets lost in translation. I'm sorry things have gotten way out of proportion...it's OKAY to say no. It REALLY is...

Be clear and concise about what you expect of him. If he can't deliver - then he's being an a$$...if also sucks that he has a boss that doesn't understand about children and surgeries...

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I read a lot of the responses and I agree that you are justified in your frustration.

To be honest - I'd not even worry about the dessert at the time - sure the principal asked for people to bring them - you've got a lot going on. Tell the principal - "I know you asked this but I just can't do it - can I offer some cash for someone to pick something up for me?"

3 moms found this helpful

If I asked my husband to do this, I'd probably get one of two responses:

1) a moment of silence and then "Sure, I can do that"

or

2) no silence and "Sure, I can do that"

The moment of silence would be him not wanting to do it, but being smart enough to not give me a hard time about it. I probably would have actually sent my husband to the meeting in my place...and he would have gone. As he did to all of my daughter's dance meetings last year because I was always stuck doing my MBA work in the evenings.

I wouldn't make a huge fight about it, but calmly talk to him and say what he did to upset you, why it upset you, and how you'd like to handle the situation if it comes up again.

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Why don't you just drop off the cakes when you pick up the kids? You already said the principal will be there so he can schlep them along.

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Totally agree with Katie below. He's being ridiculous, but in my opinion, it's also ridiculous that they expect you to bring a dessert when they already know you have a full plate that afternoon and will be late. Cordially decline the dessert this time.

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A skillet to the side of hubby's head and a selection of cookies that won't melt in the car for dessert?

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"I volunteered to help with the PTA this year at my son's school. It has quickly morphed into me being a member of the PTA board and becoming really involved. "

Are you me? :-D I grudgingly attended a PTO meeting and became the VP and fundraising coordinator immediately.

"So I get this email today from the PTA saying that the Principal has asked that the PTA bring in desserts for the meeting."

I would have simply said I could not, because my scheduling with the kid didn't allow for it.

I'm sorry that your husband is such a pill about it, and I don't understand what his problem is. Unfortunately, you have to work with what you can control. If your husband isn't prone to helping when you ask, then you do have to learn to say No in situations like this. There isn't anything wrong with the principal asking, but it doesn't mean you have to say Yes.

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Wow. I'd be upset at my husband too!! That's just plain ridiculous.

But here is what I would do - tell the principal that dessert is just NOT coming from you this time! You're obviously getting very involved with the PTA, so there will be PLENTY of other opportunities for you to bring a baked good to school.

Definitely let your husband know he's being an idiot. And forget the dessert this time!

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So he's feeling pressure from his boss. His daughter is having surgery. You've chosen to take on this position and when he doesn't want to add to his plate, you're upset? I think you brought this on and you can help your family and school by simplifying.

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Didn't read all your responses but I did read your question and SWH. And I just wanted to add to answer your question.

I don't think your asking too much at ALL.

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Did he actually just say, "No" to that simple request? And then told you you brought it upon yourself? I think you should firmly tell him you need him to do it, and insist.

In my experience, men can become selfish if allowed to do so. So I would personally make my stand now with husband. Unless this is a really rare occurrence with him, and he is normally very helpful.

But as others said, you can decline to bring the desserts.

Good for you for volunteering.

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Seems to me that they're his kids too and you participating in PTA benefits them, so he needs to shut up and deliver the damn cakes.

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I make sure he doesn't have any problems getting to work or working overtime, as I take care of most things kid-related because his work schedule typically doesn't permit it. And he is always willing to help me out to the best of his ability.

So, in this case, he wouldn't have argued with me, nor would he have seen it as "my problem" as it concerns the kids, which makes it "our problem" regardless of the fact that I took on the responsibility on my own. But that's my job, and we support each other to get both of our jobs done.

In any case, I think it's really inconsiderate of him since the reason you are going to be running late is because YOUR DAUGHTER HAS A POST-OP DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT! Seriously? You get to do all the running around for the kids, but he can't run a few cupcakes (that he doesn't even have to make! I would have asked my husband to make them!) a few minutes down the road?

Yeah, he doesn't have a leg to stand on. I hope he's at least making dinner that night.

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I totally understand your frustration because my husband is the same way. I love him to pieces! But anything that I have "taken on" that is a volunteer thing OR something for my work, he will not help and he says "YOU are the one who took on too much..."

I have come to understand that my husband just isn't the volunteering type. He would never think to donate to charity (he's not opposed to it, but it would not occur to him) or volunteer at a soup kitchen and he definitely would not join any kind of PTA or volunteer organization.

My husband is a hard worker though, and he works HARD for our family. I'm guessing your husband does too? My husband puts in many hours at work so when he's not working, he's NOT WORKING. I can imagine if I asked him to drive 10 minutes out of his way to drop off cupcakes--he'd have a FIT! However, he does carry our financial burden on his shoulders as "The Provider" and I have come to understand that is his limit for responsibility.

I know your frustration, I love to volunteer and often get myself in way over my head with running to appointments. I never want to let anyone down who is counting on me--I'm sure you're the same way!

Like the other moms said, I have learned to say "no" sometimes. You do not have to do everything!

Of course, to people like US, driving 10 minutes out of the way to drop of cookies is something we probably wouldn't think twice about. We'd just do it.

But for our husbands, they just don't see it that way. I guess we have to love them anyway!

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I would tell the PTA that you can't bring in food, but you can do napkins, forks, plates, cups, anything else that won't be destroyed by sitting in the car.

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I have found that's how a DH can be. I needed to take a child to a weekend preschool class and wondered if he could watch the other 3 on the weekend for 3 hours. He said no because he's way too tired from work to watch kids, and he needed to get a haircut. So for 3 hours I chased the baby around the lobby and managed the other two.

He will not do favors after work or on weekends, for the most part. I feel for you! I commend you for being involved with the PTA. I can't do much (though I'd like to). I can imagine how delivering hot lunches to rooms would go with 3 toddlers in tow, lol. They say to bring sibs! Your plate is full too.

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He is your husband. Why in the world is he not being supportive? You brought what on yourself? Responsibility... having fun doing PTA stuff... taking HIS kids to the doctor? I mean, really?! I would be so mad and I would let him know.

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I'm not quite sure I would have even asked my SO. I think I would have said "I have to pick the kids up and take daughter to the doctor so I need you to drop the dessert off at the school for me when you get home". And left it at that. There is no reason he shouldn't be able to do that.

that would hurt me if my husband refused to help out with such a small detail. i'd talk to him about this situation. husbands need to love and care for their wives, and should want to help them out. especially in this case, with everything else that you have to do. you guys are a team and should be working together, helping each other out. i hope that if you talk to him, he'll reconsider being like this in the future. hope this day ends up going smoothly for you.

Call the principal back and explain the situation. Surely the principal can pick up the slack and bring some appropriate desserts or you can assign someone else on the PTA to bring them. Have each member be responsible for bringing something. As the head of the group, you get to delegate.

Actually I would have sent an email back that said no, you would do it some other time but this particular night was out of the question since you were going to be coming directly from the doc's office.

Otherwise find a grocery store somewhere after the doc's appointment and run in to pick up a cake or some cupcakes.

I think hubby should help but chances are if you are different than me he thinks he can get by without helping.

My Hubby is responsible for the kitchen and the trash. If he doesn't do it, then it doesn't get done. The other day the dishes were getting stacked up a bit, not even a full sink full, and I asked him when he was going to hire someone to come do his chores. He got up and went and loaded the dishwasher. He does not get away with not helping. If he wants food he has to clean the kitchen because I will not do his job for him. He is an adult, I do everything else that is cleaning. If he wants me to cook he will have to clean the kitchen and take out the trash because I won't cook while it's dirty and he will have to cook dinner.

Needless to say, he usually cleans the kitchen daily.

I haven't read the responses so forgive me if repetitive. I too would be miffed with my husband if he acted that way. 1st of all you are taking off of work to take your child to the doctor and are also picking up your son that he would normally have to pick up. 2nd of all you joined the PTA to become an active member in your child's education which your husband should appreciate. Last and most important, you are supposed to be a team with each of you pitching in where needed.

I can tell you my husband would never act that way. He not only would have said sure I can drop it off but he would have said what can I help you bake so we can knock this out quicker?

I would calmly talk to your husband and tell him how he made you feel. He may not realize how selfish and immature he came off.

May I suggest you make a big batch of rice krispy treats to take? They shouldn't melt while you're at the doctor. Or maybe just run to your local grocery store the night before and pick up a variety of cookies from the bakery, they should also be fine in the car.

Peace and Blessings,
T. B

1. Please, please, please if you ever want to do something good, learn to say no.
2. Husbands will only help when you don't need help.
3. We (I have to include myself, though my kids are adults) want to help our kids, the husband, the school, the neighbor and it just wrings us dry. If the school principal wants desserts at the PTA meeting, let somebody else bring them. And a little remainder; PTA works with volunteers. The principal gets paid for her job. So, who should be bringing the cookies?
You have a lot on your plate right now. Give yourself time to breath.
Good luck and good health to your children.