Am I Expecting Too Much of My 4 Year Old Son?

I can say as a former teacher and now stay at home mom, this is a huge frustration to us all. I have a 3 year old son who up til this point has loved learning his letters, numbers, shapes etc...he will be 4 next month. We started to try and write letters this month...he still hasn't even decided if he's going to be left or right handed...what has worked for us is using fun toys he likes and tracing...for example we use the GI Joe guys spread the legs and make the outline of an A. Tracing...tracing and more tracing. This is only thing working right now, I feel like all my teacher friends put this huge pressure on, make sure he can write his name and that he knows this and that... Take your time!! Boys don't go as fast as girls and each child learns sooooo individually, whatever you do never tell him that you can't tell what his picture is as this will be a devastation to him and could make him give up. I know as moms we are always pressured to keep up with everyone else, but they grow up so fast, the last thing you want is your last year with him to be a battle. I taught at Sylvan for a couple years and what we would do for kids struggling in kindergarten and writing is put some sand in a container and have them write the letters with their fingers, this helped the kids a lot...his brain may not just be developed for free hand yet....Another thing is try something and if he does get frustrated, wait a couple days and try it again...it will click..youre doing a great job, don't give up!

Hope this helps and good luck!!!!

R.

1 mom found this helpful

OMG, let me just say that schools now a day's but so much on this FCAT thing that it is unreal. I have a learning problem and so do my 8 year old son and my daughter is in Kindergarten and I am starting to worry about her too. Let me jsut say don't go crazy with him in that area. I will say introduce the Pre-K books this way you can help him a little. Make it fun don't push it on him. For getting him to write letters, if you have a sand box show him and then have him show you the letter by writting it in the sand. He may be an auditory learner not a visual learner. Continue to have him draw you pictures and sit and draw with him a couple of times. Even if the picuture is not exactly right draw a couple of simple things and have him try and draw them too. Like a square etc. The scarry part is that by the time they are in Kindergarten the expect them to know their ABC's, 123's and even how to read. I can't believe this in what they want Kindergarteners to know it is horrible. Just work with him slowly don't push it on him and make if fun for him. Make games out of education. They Have a really great toy called word whammer it is a Magnet piece that goes on the fridge and it has letters. You can get the numbers for it too. It will work on letters with him and also 3 letter words I found it great with my kids. It makes it fun. Also us the sand to write letters and shapes, use shaving cream and have him show you letters. As I said My oldes has a learning disability so I can tell you what I have been told to do with him it should help let me know what happens.

There's no need to push your kids at this age. I never did any of these things with my daughter who is now 8 years old, in gifted, and reading on an 8th grade level. She learned to write her letters in Kindergarten (though she could recognize both upper and lower case before that). She also learned to read in first grade when her school taught her. Within 3 months she was reading chapter books. So many people put so much stress on children doing everything early but I don't think this is really beneficial to the child.

When my daughter was little I used to take her out into the backyard and we would watch insects or finger paint on large pieces of butcher paper. We read a lot of books together. We went to the zoo so many times that she could tell you the names of all the animals and which of the primates were monkeys or apes or prosimians by the age of two (and there's nothing cuter than hearing a two year old pronounce "prosimian"). We did the aquarium and the beach and hiking and every children's museum within a two hour drive. I would take her to my geology lab class at the university and she would demonstrate to my students how she could name all the minerals.

She actually made scribble pictures when she was 4 also. I don't think she "got" drawing at that age. There were other kids in her class that drew very detailed drawings. She is a great artist now and she loves to draw.

So I wouldn't worry about that stuff at all. There's no need to shove "learning" down your kid's throat. Let them be kids for the brief 4 years that they can. They'll be in school writing their letters for the next 17 or so years. I'm sure your son will get the hang of it after a while! Your son will benefit a lot more from having you talk to him and give him experiences that he can build on later. People this age learn best while doing- so take him out, let him get his hands on stuff, talk to him, and show him how fun learning can be!

E.....
To put it simply....don't worry about it. Just relax. I have four sons and each has their own learning style...identical twins as well. My K5 son didn't know anything to start this year. All the other daycare kids could write their names, know the alphabet, etc...who cares. He will learn and at his own pace. But if you hurt his self-image about it and he thinks mom isn't proud of him...you will do more damage and slow his learning curve. Just encourage him, make it fun...focus on his drawings and how good he is, etc...and before long, he'll get it!!! When he's ready....to force him will only prolong the situation and cause heartache. He's a child and children learn differently, at different paces. He does not need to be compared to anyone for anything. Let him be a child...love him unconditionally. Encourage him for what he does well...make stuff up if necessary. My son is coming along just fine, at his pace and I have had to make sure that the teacher understands this and encourages him as well. My son would be more disturbed if his teacher and parents thought differently of him than if he knew how to spell words correctly. That will come! I've seen it too many times and you can read journal upon journal of great scholars that will atest to this. He will have enough pressure as he matures...give him love and acceptance and don't place outrageous expectations on him...school will do that and so will this world! Make learning FUN or you are in for a long, hard battle for twelve more years!! It all works itself out...your love and support will carry him through anything!!!
Just relax and be restassured that your son will be ok!

I wouldn't worry too much. My 4 yr old daughter is writing her name and knows most of her letters and she started preschool this fall (she'll be 5 in December) but sometimes when I want her to draw a nice picture she'd much rather do abstract art. I know she CAN do the drawings/letters/numbers but I try not to push her too hard. Some of the other children in her class cannot yet write their names and don't recognize or write a lot of the letters in the alphabet so we feel that maybe she's a little advanced at this point.
I recently started my 3 yr old in the Marion County HIPPY program. There isn't one available in Sumter so I have to use my father-in-law's house... but if you can arrange it, depending on what county you are in, maybe having a structured lesson from an outside source would help. You meet with the person once a week and they show you how to teach your child and give you a very detailed lesson packet. The three year old lessons seem a little lower than what I'd expect of my 3yr old, so maybe if you check out the 4 yr old lessons you'd get a better idea of what he needs to be prepared for preschool.

I also have a four year old who, from time to time, gets pretty frustrated with the things I expect from her. How early did you start these things with him? My daughter has been writing her name, numbers, letters & shapes for some time now, but I started giving her crayons to hold at 8 mos. I'd try to make it into a "reward" situation, or perhaps a "big boys can do this..." kind of scenario. My daughter loves to be considered a "big girl", and simply won't do "baby" stuff anymopre. Unless he has other difficulties (how are his motor /fine motor skills? Does he have a problem expressing himself, or is he anti social), I wouldn't worry too much about it. He'll do it at his own pace. Sometimes when we push, they rebel, even at this early age!!

Hey there, sorry i didn't see all the other advice, but I would say you are definately in the right direction. My son was the same way and know (at just five) he writes all his letters and sounds out words phonically to spell. He has no interest in reading (but I think spelling just reverse reading). Anyway, I think there's too much academic pushing this days for prek, I actually just did a research paper for school and found it can have negative effects. By the way, every child is eligble for the Florida PreK..no income qualifications. Not sure where you live but Kidstop early Learning Center on Gtwy is terrific. Also PBCC has a great program but I think they have a waiting list.

Typically, boys mature at a slower rate than girls both emotionally and intellectually. He may just not be ready for all of this yet. And he may not be ready for kindergarten until he is 6. Boys are generally not ready for kindergarten at 5, but girls are. Keep working with him, but know that he may just not be ready for all of this yet. If you are really concerned that its a learning disability, talk to his pediatrician about testing. If that is the case, the sooner you know the better.

E.,
I have to say I agree with the moms that pointed out that boys tend to be slightly delayed when picking up certain skills. I am a teacher and this is widely known. (My mom is a retired K teacher and my best friend is an AP of an area elementary school... both have cited this to me, too.)
As for the advice that your son has some sort of disability or learning problem... whoa! I'm sure that you'll be aware of anything that seems abnormal with development and not jump to conclusions.
I wanted to keep my suggestion short... sorry. MY LAST ADVICE would be to visit a preschool, watch what the students are doing. At least then, you'll be able to see a range of abilities. As one mom pointed out, the VPK program is free and available to all... take advantage of it. It will help get your son ready for the routines of school next August at the very least. (Following the teacher, socialization... many other benefits!!!)
Best wishes

I just wanted to say that I think your son is just fine and don't worry about it. As a matter of fact he might be feeling frustrated simply because you are worried or frustrated yourself. Kids are really sensitive to what we're feeling. If he's telling you about his blob GREAT! I think he's on the right track. I wanted to recommend a book to you. You might be able to find it at a library or the bookstore.

Scribble Art by MaryAnn Kohl. I think you'll find it interesting.

Good luck and have fun!

Dear Miss E.,
It sounds like you are a very good and helpful mother who is trying to make sure that your son is on track with his education. The situations you are describing sound very normal to me. I have worked with pre-school children, and I have learned that children progress at their own rates.
When my daughter was four she loved to paint and draw as well. When she would bring me pictures, I would write her descriptions down on the drawings- (e.g. "This is a cat chasing a mouse.") We would proudly hang the pictures on the refrigerator, and I always encouraged imagination. Often, her drawings and letters looked nothing like the things she would describe. I really think this is okay- you will treasure these pictures someday. If you are looking for activities to strengthen your son's hands for fine motor skills as he is growing, playing with clay/playdough and kneading bread can be helpful. I hope you both have fun! M.

hi,

It sounds to me like your son may have a learing disability .does he have troubles keeping focused one one thing for more than a few mins? all kids are different but it sounds like he may have add. you definatley need to take to a doctor. every community has a place where you can take your children for different screenings. for example speech therapy, behavioral screenings, dyslexia, to screen for autism and that sort of stuff. ask your doctor and he will let you know. you might also want to try putting him in pre'kindergarden ..its free. onlythree hours a day and help them get ready for school. maybe he will listen to someone other then his mommy, i know that when kids are at home sometime they do not want to do stuff like learning abc's cause they just want to play ..i do not AT ALL think you are expecting too much from him. just make sure if you are pushing this on him that you do so in a fun way. all children develop at different ages . my daughter ( because i did push her at an early age) knows how to write her ABC's .upper case and lower case. and of course she loves to draw. but then again some of the other kidsin her class for example only know the upper case of the alphabet and are stll learning the lower case. my daughter will sometime draw like a perfect house with flowers and trees and birds and people, but the other times she also draws blobs.. dont worry too much about his artistic ability cause some children or adults just cant draw. i think my daughter draws better than i do . while i do strongly believe that now is the time he needs to learn these things.. you also dont want to stress out about it cause if you pressure him it may just backfire. talk to a doctor he may have a learning disability,

good luck and god bless,
A.

Be patient mom. Some children mature faster than others. We were concerned about one of my grand sons who unlike all the rest, was about two before he began speaking in complete sentences. He is about four now and is talking up a storm. Just keep working with him without being too demanding. After a while, you will begin to see growth.

I hate to be the one to tell you this but, yes. However, as a parent your expectation is not uncommon. I am a preschool teacher and mother of three (5, 6, 9). And while it can be frustating, please know there is nothing wrong with your son. At this point the best thing you can do is praise every effort he makes and encourage his creativity. When he makes you a 'masterpiece' let him dictate to you. Label different parts of the picture. Offer him a print rich enviroment. If your not opposed to it, label lots of things at home(i.e. a sticker that says 'chair' on the back of a chair). Enourage lots of language activities, identifing letters and letter sound is a higher priority than writing a perfect 'A'. You may also give him lots of activities that encourage both small muscle developemnet and eye-hand coordination. Lacing cards, for example can be made at home or purchased at *Wal-Mart*. So, in all, don't worry! Please feel free to email me if I you'd like more ideas. Or call me, after 2:00 at ###-###-####.
Good Luck!!! A.

Hi E., I am ateacher , and I taught kindergarten last year. Relax, it is perfectly ok for your 4 year old to still be scribbling. When they enter Kindergarten at 5 years old most of the children do scribble. But the important part is that he is explainig to you what he drew. Encourage him and tell him what a great job he is doing. You can still show him how you draw people and objects. But in his own time he will begin drawing more deatiled pictures and move away from the scribbling. Now it is important he develop his motor skills and just learn how to hold a pencil and crayons. In time he will draw you his own little Picasso's. Take care. :)

Hi E.
I applaud you for questioning and asking for advice! In short, yes! You are asking *way* to much of your *child*. Not just your child as a 4 yr old, but of your child. Whether he is 4 yrs old, or 10 yrs old, who are we, as parents, to put restraint on their art? Look back at all the famous artists. Lots of their stuff looks ilke chicken scratch and scribblings that are selling for millions of dollars! Those people are famous because they didn't color in the lines.

Children, especially at this age, NEED to scribble. The NEED to use too much glue andmake a big puddle of it in the center of the page so it runs through. They NEED to use an entire bottle of glitter on one section of paper. They NEED to be given stacks of scrap paper that they cut up into millions of tiny pieces. They NEED to make faces of people that don't resemble faces at all.

I am part of a preschool co-op where we, as parents, offer our children a variety of areas to explore, create, and even mess up! In this sense, we are helping our children for later years.
Children who have been allowed to use too much glue, colors outside of the box, etc., are the children who get their impulses OUT before kindergarten, so that when they are handed a bottle of elmer's glue on the first day, they don't go haywire with it. It's not a mystery anymore! They have had months and months of being able to squeeze as much glue as they want, and eventually, it lost it's excitement after about a week or two. THOSE are the children who become more controlled in their artwork.

Kids who's parents are always hovering over them while they work, always have restraints on whatever their hands touch, and so when they get into a kindergarten class and don't have their mom there (and only one teacher who has 20 other kids to monitor), they literally go haywire with it! They do things that children should be allowed to do at 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 yrs of age. If your child isn't allowed to explore and get messy with you, he will do it elsewhere, only it will *then* be a hinderance to him and his teacher, because he won't be able to move forward as quickly and learn how to control his artwork.

I defeinitely think you are on the right track in your thinking of the demands on school kids. They get higher and higher, and with more kids in the classroom, teachers don't have *time* to do freeplay like they used to. So if children don't get that time do do freeplay and exploration at home, it will only frustrate them, YOU, and their school teachers.

My BIGGEST piece of adivce is just let go! Please don't worry about your child's handwriting or artwork at this age. If you try and put restraints on him and what he does, it will only discourage him and make him not WANT to do artwork or learn to write, etc. Relax and offer your child lots of safe things to explore with. Put a sheet on the ground outside and dumb a bag of birdseed on it. Give him a few cups and spoons and just sit and enjoy watching how much FUN he will have with it! Put a mat down on the table, give him a thick piece of paper, and a bottle of glue (if you want, you can close it a littleat first so it's not quite niagra falls, lol) and just let him squirt glue all over it! He'll have a blast! You can also add colors to the glue like green , blue, etc.

Give him some children's Fiskars scissors and a pile of scrap paper, magazines, newspapers, old cards, etc., and just let him ct to his heart's content!

Most of all, just relax and let him have fun so that he will, in the future, be ABLE to control his impulses when he's in school.

Blessings,
D.

honestly i dont think enything is wrong my daughter is a little over three and i try doing these things with her and she wont do them for me but when she gose to gradma's house she writing numbers, letters and flowers trees ect.. but when i ask her to draw for me i get nothing but a bunch of scribbles maybe if you have the option try to have someone elese work with him i think the only way my baby is gonna learn i only found out a week ago she was doing this and i gess shes been doing this for a while now!! good luck i hope you find something that works for you

My daughter excelled in learning her letters after I bought her a chalboard/easel. I don't know what it was about the chalk, but it made her want to write and learn them. Perhaps this would help your son also? I got mine at Toys R Us, it was a little pricey (39.99) but it's Crayola brand, and I think it was well worth the investment. It is a chalkboard on one side, and a dry erase board on the other, that comes with little magnetic letters and numbers.
Also, I found that if I got frustrated in the slightest bit, it made her twice as frustrated as I was.
Hope this helps!