Am I Doing the Right Thing.

Hi G.,
My heart goes out to you because I know too well how difficult this decision is. I have come to realize that your daughter's comment is oh so true-they have to learn from their own mistakes. I've been through this with my oldest son. The only catch to letting them make their own mistakes is that you have to make them responsible for their consequences and not run to their rescue, which is extremely hard! I would let her know up front that she has to be responsible for her own decisions.

I'm taking care of my mom who has parkinson's disease right now and also my dad who has had congestive heart failure 3 times within the past 4 months and have now found out that he has leukemia. One thing I want you to be aware of is that even though you love your parents very much, it can be tough sometimes. My days are filled with cleaning, cooking, and dr appointments. I live at their house through the week with only relief 1 to 2 days a week to "visit" my family. It can be very taxing emotionally and physically. My mom wakes up about every 2 hours to go to the bathroom and she has to be assisted, so I run on very little sleep-usually getting up at 4 am and going to bed at 10 to catch a nap before I have to get up again. We're also in the process of having an addition built on to our house which is a little more stress. So, just realize that between taking care of your mom and worrying about your daughter-you may be a basket case every now and then. Make sure you go through her drs and find every available resource that you can to help you. It's a lot of work in the beginning getting it organized, but I now have people that are helping with bathing, physical therapy, ect that come into her home. I wish you the best of luck. Just don't go into the situation blind and realize that you're going to deal with a lot of stress.

By the way, my son is now 22 and is out on his own. He's still learning some of life's lessons, but he's learned that it's his life and he has to solve his own problems. He still asks for advice sometimes, but doesn't expect me to do anything now. He's working full time, has a car and apartment. I also have a daughter that is 19 and is semi-out on her own. She joined the national guard because they'll pay 100% of her tuition if she goes to school full time. I've had to let her learn her own lessons about her checking account. If she overdraws, it's her problem. She learned very fast the value of a dollar when she had to start purchasing her own things. She's been through basic training, 2 tech schools, and is in her last week of her 3rd tech school. She has 1 week to find a job when she's finished because she won't be on active duty receiving a paycheck any more. So, give your daughter a little credit-she may surprise you. I'd give her one chance to try it on her own, but if she doesn't succeed I'd let her know quickly that it was her decision. And she may decide to move to where you are and go to a local college there.

We're also retired military. My oldest son still lives in the area where we are. My oldest daughter hasn't decided where she wants to live(probably nearby since she has a boyfriend that is very attached to his mom's apron strings). My youngest daughter wants to move back to Germany when she finishes college(we spent 10 years there while she was growing up, so that's what she considers home), and my youngest son says he's never moving out but is willing to pay rent(LOL). Think back to when you first moved out of your parent's home-you made it and have completed a career. She can do it, some kids just learn quicker than others.

Good luck,
R.

here is what comes to my mind on your story, Go and help your mother. She is the one who truly needs you. Allow your child to grow up, to mature, to learn from own carelessness and errors. With you nearby, she has a safety net. It's obviously to us readers that you jump to the rescue with every mistake made. So what if her checking account is overdrawn! It is her problem and she will learn how to keep that from happening BUT not with you rescuing all the time. I moved from the NOLA to Mexico leaving behind my 19 yr old son and 17 1/2 yr old daughter who'd both begged to have the apt to themselves. They both had insisted they could live on their own, make their own decisions, and take care of themselves. They made several mistakes including losing their jobs and hence the apt. Eventually they learned something. Humans require a bit of suffering before we learn. It's the nature of the human being. Allow your daughter the same experience! Show her how much you love her by giving her the opportunity to grow at her own pace and through her own experiences. It¿s the best gift you will ever give to her. NOW GO HOME, your mom is the one who truly needs you!

good luck and God Bless You. your daughter will be fine. Keep the faith!

Sometimes you just have to learn to let go. Your daughter is never going to mature in a meaningful way with mommy always there to bail her out. At her age, she should be quite capable of standing on her own two feet, but she doesn't, because she knows you are there in case things don't work out.

With you 700 miles away, she will have to take responsibility for herself, and guess what? We ALL went through that, and most of us survived quite well, thank you very much!

Please give her this space, and most of all, learn to relax. 700 miles may seem like a lot of distance, but it really isn't. There is internet and telephone calls just waiting for you to use them. Tell her that she can call any time or email or whatever, but that you expect her to be a responsible adult, and that you can't bail her out of every little situation she gets herself into. You have coddled her long enough, and it's time you spent some time helping your mother, who really needs you.

If you can, set aside a little bit of money each month in a special savings account. You can then use this to help your daughter if she finds herself in a big predicament, or, better idea, use it to pay for a ticket for yourself to go visit her, or her to visit you.

If you never cut the apron strings, she will always be tugging on them. It's time you cut them. You know in your heart and mind that your mother is in greater need right now, and honestly, it sounds like you need your mother, too. We all go through those times when we want to have our mother closer to us, especially if they are in failing health. You go and do everything you can for your mother. Don't feel guilty. This is the circle of life, and you are doing your part.

Good luck!

G.,

Just pray and leave your door open for her when she decides to come home, because chances are it will not take long for her to realize that she does need her mom. Good luck.

I say GO! I helped take care of my grandmother when she was dying and now I am helping my parents as they age. It is a gift to be able do these things for those who took care of us when we needed it. As for your daughter, pray and let go. I didn't grow up either until I moved away from my parents to another state. It was always so easy to let them "help" when we lived in the same city. Maybe your daughter needs to know there is no safety net. Of course, should anything truly serious happen you will be there to help her; but if she over draws her checking account a few times and you aren't around to cover it, she will learn how important it is to keep accurate accounts. It may sound harsh to you, but I promise, learning the hard way makes it last! Good luck to you both!!

Yes, you need to honor your mother in her time of need. Your daughter will grow up. If you are not there hovering and speaking your fears of failure for her, she may finally accomplish your deepest desire for her. Been there, done that - 1st in my own life and then with my own daughter. I held my breath and prayed a lot, but now she's grown has a lovely family and is a responsible young woman with 2 beautiful sons. If your daughter seriously messes up, she will have made her own choice and find her own way to get back home. She'll have to move back with you. That may be all the incentive she needs. Praying for you both!

I think you've made a good decision. This is probably the best thing you can do for your daughter. Stop rescuing her and maybe she will grow up. After all, why should she now? She knows you'll bail her out of trouble. If she gets into serious trouble & wants to come back to you, lend her the money for a bus ticket (not a plane -- don't make it easy), bring her home, and have her work it off & pay you back.
You'll always be glad you were with your mother in her final years, and that's something you can't get back. Live your life; as you said, your daughter is grown.
PS Only help her with college expenses if she's working hard and getting decent grades.

Don't pay for her apartment, if that is what you are doing. If her reasoning for staying in place is to attend college nearby, probably with high school friends, then that is fine. Have her live in a dorm and pay room and board. If they doesn't appease her, then maybe her reasoning for staying is to try and get that independence. If she wants to live in her own apartment and such, maybe she needs to hold on to a job. Just remind her that the four years you spend in college is your last chance to have the freedom of a grown-up while still have the financial security provided by your parents. It is a wonderful right of passage, but if she doesn't want to follow the rules, she is on her own and that is a hard road. I am a huge proponent of tough love as I have been on the receiving end.

Hi G.,

What a joy to have a close relationship with your daughter. I have one with mine too and I wouldn't trade it for anything. As rough as this is going to sound I think it's time for some tough love. She is old enough to be on her own and needs to experience some of these "wake up" moments in her life in order for her to grow independently from you. This probably isn't what you want to hear but it is in your daughter's best interest to be able to pick herself back up instead of running home to be rescued by mom. We had to do something similar with our daughter. Since we moved here from Colorado (she stayed behind) she has been forced to grow up and take responsibility for her actions. Mom and Dad are no longer just down the street and available for a quick $50 in a pinch. This has allowed both her and her husband to grow up and they are now flourishing. It might even be tougher on you than on her but bailing her out everytime is not helpful in the long run. In my opinion make your move and let her stay behind...she'll grow into a mature young woman after a few stumbles that she has to fix herself. And your relationship will flourish because you alowed her some freedom.

W. Q

Who is paying for her college? If it's you then you have some power right there. That said, in my opinion I would let her stay put and you go to your mother. A good way to learn is through your own mistakes and once someone is on their own they tend to learn quickly. Of course it will be worrying for you, as she doesn't sound very responsible, but I think she will resent you if you force her to go with you when she doesn't want to. Who knows, maybe if she gets too lonely or things get too hard she will decide she "doesn't like it" and transfer to a college near your mother's town. But you can't take care of her forever. When I went to college in '95 my mom gave me a book called 'Where's Mom Now That I Need Her? ' It is a cookbook with super-easy recipes, plus all sorts of laundry tricks for getting out stains, tips for buying groceries and saving money, car care, bicycle maintenance, etc. I don't know if it's still being sold but look for it! If she stays, one thing you need to talk to her about - credit cards. During my freshmen year of college I was bombarded with all sorts of credit card offers at school fairs and things, sign up and get a free t-shirt, etc. Well I ended up with several credit cards and I used them to buy things I couldn't otherwise afford which left me in huge debt and unable to make the minimum payments, which led to horrible credit. So please warn her about credit cards, they could get her in trouble! And also tell her that if she doesn't budget correctly or doesn't make enough money to cover all the bills then the FIRST thing she has to always pay and always pay on time is her rent. If she can't pay the cable bill, let that one go, she may even have to have her electric cut off for a few days or realize she can't afford a car, but always pay the rent first. It's hard to get in a decent place once you have an eviction or bad rental history (I'm a landlord). I've seen so many people who will not pay their rent but have no trouble paying their car payment or cable bill. That's just backward!! Good luck to you both, and your mother.

Give her a budget, tell her to find and apartment, figure deposits and average monthly billing for utilities, food bill, gas and insurance, she will either own up to it, or decide it is too hard and come with you. Just because she chooses to stay behind now, does not mean it will stay that way. She may want to be near you again before her first semester is over. I did not know anything when i left home at 17, but when mom is not there to clean up your mess, you figure it out VERY fast. I am now very grown and have 5 children of my own. As they get older, the more you let go, the more they learn.

i think you should let her try 1 semester at college. do they have dorms??? if so she will grow up quick. i think everyone should live in a dorm. I say she will grow up quick because i lived in a dorm with seven other girls (it was called a suite) 4 bed rooms and one bathroom (2 or every thing) but there was a girl that would not help us clean and we found out becuase she never had too. so we all showed her how to do things. the dorm moms will act like a mom to her and you will be shocked, she may tell u she is ready to come with you. the 1st 2 weeks are HECK on a college student. So give her a chance and i'm sure she has some friends moms that can help you

dear Gernia: As hard as this sounds. She is 18. Cut the safety net. outside of a major breakdown, she should live her own life. And life's conquences. Give advice only when asked for it and doen't be surprised when she doesn't follow it and falls down.

G.: Hey sweetie--I don't respond to many posts on here, but after reading this one--I have to respond! You ARE doing the right thing! Even though your 18 year old daughter sounds very irresponsible (I have a 17 year old daughter, 18 next month and she is the SAME way!) She is starting college soon, close to home and has decided to live in the dorms because I crashed her dreams of having her "own apartment, with no roommate" by telling her that the 26 hours a week she works will not pay for her own apartment! She is SO NOT READY for the REAL WORLD! She has been very sheltered by us and has always been given everything she wants/needs and more--but, I know, that it is time for me to let her spread her wings and fly and LEARN FROM HER OWN MISTAKES.........no, it's not an easy thing to do, because I love her so very much, but this is also the reason that I think it's time for her to begin to learn what this big world is all about! It sounds like the two of you have a close relationship, so, just KEEP ON PRAYING AND LET HER FLY!!! Good luck and keep me posted! sounds like we have much in common with our beautiful girls--who were just babies yesterday!

God Bless,

Yes, you are doing the right thing. It's also one of the hardest things you'll do in your life. I am doing the same thing with my 19 year old daughter right now, but even worse, I TOLD her she had to move out and find her own way. I found out she was smoking cigarettes, to which I am VERY VERY opposed. I told her if she could afford to buy cigarettes at $5.00 a pack, there was no way I was going to continue supporting her financially. I didn't kick her out in the street, but I made her give me her paychecks until she had enough to move out, and out she went.

The kicker is this, you have to really let her live her life. Don't bail her out everytime she screws up. It's hard...VERY HARD. But we almost completely cut our daughter off financially. I pay her car insurance and that's it, mainly because I am a cosigner on the car (before all this happened obviously).

We don't give her gas money, grocery money, rent money, anything. We don't even let her do her laundry here. Obviously, if it were a true emergency we would step in and help her out, but her day-to-day living expenses are hers and hers alone. She could get a 2nd job if she wanted to. She could get a BETTER job if she wanted to. But the only way they'll ever take responsibility for that is if we stop bailing them out.

It's probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but when they're ready to spread their wings, you gotta let 'em fly (and crash and burn a few times! LOL) They'll figure it out eventually.

GOOD LUCK. I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!!!! :-)

You are doing the right thing! Sometimes we do need to make our mistakes, and learn from them by ourselves. If you keep rescuing your daughter, she won't learn to stand on her own two feet.

I was the same way when I first left home-irresponsible with finances, self, and life in general. I learned from hard knocks, but I succeeded because I had to do it myself! Now, my 19 year old son is going through the same thing.

All we can do is pray!
Good Luck!

I think you and your daughter are right--she won't learn if she doesn't have to.
Perhaps you can firm up her support network--older and wiser friends who can do things with her and keep an eye on her--before you go.

G., it sounds to me like you need to let her make her own mistakes and pray really hard....many times a day. We raise our kids, give them all the info they need to be successful then we have to turn them lose to do or not do what we've taught. If you continually bail her out then you'll be doing that the rest of her life. Let her figure it out, she'll put those things you taught her to use at some point....have faith, God really is in control..you aren't...good luck, R.

G.,
Yes, I believe that you are doing the right thing. It is time for your daughter to get used to you not being there to rescue. Let me tell you about my son. I had no idea that we rescued so much until I became actively involved in teaching a workshop entitled Developng Capable People. My son was 20 at the time and in college 4 hours away from home. We simply told him that the resuce policy had lapsed. We assured him that we were still there for him if he needed advice, but he needed to learn to work through problems on his own. He went one summer with no phone because one of his room mates owed the phone company a great deal of money, his electricity was turned off for a few days, and who knows what else. He became a responsible young man. I am hearing now about some of the things he went through, but he managed.(He is now 36). If your daughter has traveled the world with you, she is probably very flexible and has skills that she hasn't used because she knew that you would do it for her or fix things for her. Give it a try! Let her make her own mistakes and not tell you about them unless of course they are big ones that are life threatening. She will learn from her mistakes. Prayer is a wonderful way for you to cope. A dear friend of mine who wrote the Developing Capable materials said that "weining is hard and it is much harder on the weiner than the weinee." Check out my website at developingcapablementors.com, there may be some information there that will help. Feel free to email me back. I just prayed for you and your daughter.
D.

Having spent 7 years in the Army as a helicopter pilot, I am surprized that the answer isn't clearer to you... She messes up and expects you to rescue her because.... YOU DO rescue her. Sounds like some time away from mom on her own is just what she needs. Be ready for a big mess up... she will test you to see what it will take for you to come back and bail her out. Ever think of getting her into the military? Basic and AIT will surely straighten her out!

Its obvious you love your daughter. And she will always be your joy. Let her go. She'll be ok. You've done a good job and she'll be fine. Go take care of your mom. She needs you and your daughter, well, darlin, its time for her to fly and she might screw up, but thats life and its ok and just have your cell phone ready when she calls and let her find her own way to you when she gets evicted. She'll be ok. She's getting plenty of prayer cover! Im assuming she's saved, keep her covered.
God bless military moms!!!! Double the duty, half the pay!

R.

Hey, sounds like me as a kid! :} I'm now 35, a cancer survivor, have my own home-based biz (been at it for 14 yrs now), and 2 lovely young girls, 8 & 9. My mom got pregnant at 39, and I elected to jump out of that boat myself. Had a rocky start and a $500 credit card that took me 3 years to pay off, but I'm still here and doin okay. If she wants to go to college, she's going to need a "mom-away-from-mom". As far as I know, there are "house moms" that help the kids out in dorms and sororities and such. Maybe you could talk to someone at the local college of her choice and see what they have to say about it. Does she have any local, level-headed friends with parents willing to "adopt" a certain amount of responsibility? Someone to call when she gets herself into a snare? Good luck, I hope this helps.

It is tough to be stuck in the middle. Of course you must do what you must to take care of your ailing parent. Your child (emphasis on child) seems to be the "in charge" person in your life and sucessfully manipulates you. My fav expression to use with my 18 year old son is "Adult decisions have adult consequences". Taking care of grandma is part of being a RESPONSIBLE adult child. There comes a time to let go and let your child fly and although I have a difficult time with the concept myself, there comes a time to show tough love.

Also, why can't grandma move in with you?

Hi G..

You didn't mention your daughter's dad. Where is he in the picture? If he is still in the town she wants to stay in, can he look out for her?

If that is out of the question, it may be time for her to "sink or swim", and get a reality check, and see what the real world is really like. She cannot depend on Mom to always bail her out. Life is not that easy. Quit making it easy for her. She will never learn that way. If she wants to be a responsible adult, she will have to learn life's hard lessons. Allow her to make mistakes. They are the best teacher. We cannot be there 24/7 for our kids. They have to grow up sometime!

I'm so sorry your mom is not well. I can sympathize. I lost my mom 4 1/2 years ago, and I still miss her. She was 85.

Good luck to you and your daughter!

A.

G.

Why can't your mom move to you and sell her home. This way you get both. Being close to you daughter and watching over her bad choices, and being able to take care of your mom.
this would work.

That's such a tough situation, and only you can make that choice. I'm sure you've been through every scenario possible. All I can offer are my thoughts and prayers that you've been lead in the right direction and your daughter will learn to stand on her own quickly. Maybe she's been irresponsible because you've been there to fix everything. Maybe she just needs to know that she has to do it all herself in order for her to step up and take responsibility. That's what I'll hope for for you and your family. They are lucky to have someone who cares about them so much!

G., I'm writing as a daughter and a mother. I believe you are doing the right thing. I only truly became a responsible adult when I was forced to become one. As a parent I know that seems hard and you are obviously a person that likes and needs to take of loved ones. Your daughter and mother are lucky to have you! Good luck and God bless!
A. N

I support your decision, G., and will keep you both in my prayers. My daughter is also 18 & it is very hard to let them go. I was a lot like your daughter at her age. I made MANY mistakes. Sometimes my mom could help me with them & sometimes not. I truly believe, though, that it was the ones that were BIG that I had to fix on my own (or not) and grow from that helped me become the woman I am today: mother of 4, wife of almost 20 years, Christian, leader, friend.

I promise to pray for you!! Peace, P.

G.,
Once upon a time, I was the same way your daughter is (for the most part.) I didn't handle my money well and was irresponsible with my time
(when it came to school/homework.) When I turned 18 my parents decided to move 8 hours away. I chose to stay. I wanted to stay close to MY home and the boy that I was dating (who is now my husband.) Although I did hold down a steady job, I also had an overdrawn bank account and found it hard to work 40 hours a week plus go to school full time. I was not great at keeping my stuff clean either. My parents were too far away to rescue me from all of my mistakes. That was the best thing that could have happened for me. It was a long slow process, but I found my way on MY terms. When I had an overdrawn account, I had to pay it off myself. When I moved out of the dorm, I had to do it myself. I am now a very independant person. I am a SAHM of two beautiful girls. My house is clean and organized, my bills are always paid...etc. Some of us have to learn our own lessons. Just pray for her (A LOT) and be there for her. God Bless you both, and good luck!!!