Am I Crazy? or Maybe Just Expecting Too Much?

Nineteen months is enough time to decide if you either of you wants to marry eachother-baby or not. Look for someone else. I'm older. I've seen a lot.

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It sounds like you're essentially married without the marriage certificate...so in his eyes (and most mens eyes) why bother making it official when you already live together, and have a child. He's getting love, sex, companionship, Etc. He's having his cake and eating it too.You haven't made him work for anything. I think you should try never mentioning it. If you nag, he will drift further and further from the idea. Let him be a man, and let him do it on his time. He might surprise you...Really!

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K., you are doing what you are out of your own expectations, not someone else's. I think you are perfectly right to want marriage to the father of your son. I understand that he has baggage from his upbringing. Imagine the baggage your own son will have when he knows that his own father won't marry his mother. I'm sure he wants more for his child than he had. Divorce is such an ugly, horrible thing for children. So is having parents not willing to make that committment to each other in the first place. I think you have been more than patient. If he is unwilling to commit, take that as a loud announcement from him. He either will or he won't. I honestly don't think you should need much more time for him to decide. I hope he makes the wise and loving decision for both you and your son. Blessings.

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ummm I say there IS reason enough to get married.. TWO reasons, your kids... Having come from a broken family myself, for years, I stayed cleared of marriage and will also admit, used my having come from a broken family as my crutch to NOT get too close to a person... However, I have since changed my thinking and I am happy to say, I am happily married. Of course, yes BOTH people have to want it. but at the same time, you've been considerate of your boyfriend, perhaps now he can be considerate of you and at least consider putting forth a future date. I definitely think marriage, finances and children are things that NEED to be discussed.. somewhere along the line IF you still want to get married and he doesn't , you might find yourself feeling resentful that you stayed put for so long... IF marriage is truly important to you as a person and part of your value system, then you need to know if he is at least going to consider marriage ... you know the saying, why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free....
I don't think you are being pushy... you have two kids.. not only do you deserve an answer but so do the kids..

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Maybe I'm feeling crabby tonight but I'm irked by your BF's logic. I don't think you are crazy. He might think he wouldn't have married you after 19 months of dating were it not for the baby but hey, maybe you wouldn't have moved in with him after 10 months of dating were it not for the baby. Besides, the reality is there is a baby! so I don't think it's feasible to even play "when- would- I -be- ready to -marry- if- I-was- in- an- alternate- reality- without- a- baby?" If he's not ready to make a commitment while he is living with you and your son as a family, then maybe he needs to experience what it's like to not live with you and your/his son and simply have visitation rights. That's the reality for a lot of other guys like him who don't want to commit after an oops. Sorry, this probably isn't helping you but it is my thoughts. My thoughts are that he has no motivation to commit and/or he's not mature enough to commit. I am sorry that you are going through this, it must be very hard to watch your brothers and their fiancees, you sound like a really nice person and I think he is the crazy one. He needs to feel "at risk".

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Hi, simmilar situation here ... 6yrs in and we are still not married however in the past year discussions have been easier. Really if you love him and want to marry him then allow him to come to the same conclusion. With a baby there are a TON more things that he gets to look at an decide about then other men who marry before baby. Really, you will change and he will change part of what will help is if you can change toegether well or not. If you do wish to marry him do not push him if you do not wish to marry him push all you want. That is my advice.

Side note, we are VERY stable probably more stable than all of our "commited" married friends are and a whole lot happier. I am from the broken home and he is from the very together home. Does it make me crazy when I am "always the bridesmade" yes but really it's only temporary jealousy because they are typically jealous of what we have together and still have.

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I agree with other posts, you don't want to marry someone who isn't ready... it backfires. just feel blessed and lucky that you have a guy that stuck with you (barely any of those left lol) after 1 month in getting pregnant... and treating you AND your son well. There are so many stories that end with a beat up baby or momma because the guy is immature and wasn't ready or didn't suck it up. If you two keep your lovey dovey alive then don't push it... you just want an idea, but to him he will probably see it as you want him to marry you now even if you only want an idea of when. If it goes on 2 years without so much as a hint of proposing then that would be the time to think of leaving. I think it's awesome he wants to wait til it's out of love, sounds pretty mature since some people think oh have to get married. It's sweet. How you feel isn't crazy. I get jealous sometimes of people getting married now lol and i'm single... even though I love being single.. isn't that silly. 19 months isn't a very long time and I know you love him to death and all, but give it some more time to REALLY know him. In the future I will always wait 2-3 years before I get engaged lol. I mean he is commited now right?? A lot of people think that if he won't marry he's got commitment issues, well if the guy's got commitment issues that means it started the day of the relationship (cheating and such) not the day someone pushes marriage (I hope you could follow that tangent lol). He could genuinely want to wait til it is love and not feel as though he married you cuz your his baby momma, and personally I think it's awesome... you'll always look back and say 25 yrs ago we married out of love not because we felt we had to.
Good luck sweetie :)

Oooh, think of this if your little boy is 2 or 3 when you get married he could be a part of the wedding... awwwee :D

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Well, in my opinion, you are not crazy, but you having a child really should not have a bearing on marriage. That isn't fair to the baby, he has enough on his shoulders just being himself and really shouldn't have the responsibility as being the "glue" for the family. So, I would as a mother insure that your son is taken care of by his father by getting child support payments in place. That way the child's support is in place regardless of your relationship with the dad. You don't mention whether of not you two are living together, which I am assuming you are, I would make certain that all bills are in your name if you plan to stay there with your son if your realtionship with the dad goes south, that way your not dealing with trying to get things changed over once you guys aren't on good terms. nothing worse then having your phone or lights cut off and having to come up with lots of money to get it switched over and turned back on. If you won't be staying there if you to split, then i would make sure all bills are in his name, so that he is resposible for those payments and your credit isn't damaged. Next I would make a list of what is his & what is yours and you both sign it and both get a copy and keep with a family member or friend. This will also help to get your stuff with a police escort if things go bad. This is what every smart woman should do to protect themselves as much as possible. When you bring all this up to him, explain that since he isn't ready for that type of commitment, that implys that the relationship could end and this is what you require to continue as is. Since he has the power of deciding to marry or not at this point, then you should have the power of having the easiest transition if he chooses not to marry. Oh & you should keep seperate bank accounts. Explain that marriage is not just a visible commitment, but much more and with it, the two shall become one. Until then you and he should acknowledge that you are two people living together, room mates with benefits, if you will. Marriage lets the world know that there is a commitment and that each of you are a united front and that all decisions, and sacrifices are made to the betterment of the family and no longer the individual. This is not an easy step to take and great care should be taken to make sure that you and he are willing to sacrifice for the other etc.. Who knows, once he realizes how marriage can change the feel of the relationship, he might be more willing to take the plunge, but if not, then you do have your booty covered, if not your heart. Hope this helps.

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The truth of the matter is, you don't want to marry someone who doesn't want to get married. Especially when they know you want to, and are attacking your reasons. That's not how love works.

If you agree to things on his terms-which you basically have to since you can't drag him down the aisle at gun point-then accept it ALL THE WAY and stop planning on him being the head of the household and husband you want.

Let him know you understand his feelings and as far as you're concerned you are two single adults with no obligations to each other besides being great parents to your child. Be gracious and don't bug him. Your "attractive" factor will multiply right there, but don't do it to entice him, it honestly sounds like there is a better candidate down the road for you to have a solid family if he's got all this damage and doesn't want to commit because of it.

Good work caring about your child enough to keep his father in the picture, but don't short change yourself by longing for the desire from him to get married and stay together "forever". Just because you accidentally got pregnant, does not make this man the perfect husband for you. If you do love him now, take things at face value, and one day at a time.

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The first year or so of a new baby is tough for any couple. This may just be a bad time to discuss getting married. I'd let it be for now.

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Yeah I know how you feel. My boyfriend and I have been together 5 years and have 2 kids together ages 4 and 2. I have brought up the subject many times and have been blown off. As of recent, I quit. Whatever, he dosn't want to marry me fine, I have found I have distanced myself a little bit. Self preservation is a very strong thing. I love him but need to keep a little space their because I don't want to be hurt. I don't know what to tell you except to let you know I know how you feel.

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Maybe he really isn't sure about the rest of his life. I think that is reasonable. If you had simply been dating for 19 months, you would probably not be expecting marriage. He may wish to avoid the relationship ending in divorce like his parents did if it turns out not to be forever. An unplanned child does not make two people any more right for each other than they otherwise would have been. And he simply may not be ready yet, even if he believes you are the right person. You did not say how old the two of you are.

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I know a few of the moms here say rock the boat to force his hand but be prepared for that to backfire. If things are going well, don't rock the boat and be patient. Especially if he came from a divorced family with issues. He obviously doesn't have very good role models or high regard for marriage in general. That doesn't mean you can't have a calm conversation about where your relationship is heading and what each of your expectations are.
Best of luck!

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How about you ask that the legal side of things get taken care of so that if something happens to either of you, the other can take over? We went to a lawyer and got a will/power of attorney/health care proxy package when our first was born, and amended it when the 2nd was born. Since you are not married and if you or he ended up in the hospital with something serious, only immediate family can decide what happens, and you will not be each other's immediate family. A will states what you want to happen to your assets (car, home, jewelry, etc) incase you die,a Power of Attorney gives the named individual the right to make legal and business decisions on behalf of another, and a health care proxy states what you would like to happen if you are on life support or in some way unable to decide for your own care. I would stop asking him about marriage, but settle the responsibility parts first. Then in a year you can ask him for his hand in marriage and say that nothing much is really changing since the legal side of things has already been settled, this is just a way to show the world how much I love you. Got to use your womanly wiles and your brain. Cheers!

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Is he getting all the benefits of marriage already even though you're not married (sex, living together, etc.)? If he is, then he may take longer to make up his mind what he wants to do. I wish you the best!

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Do I think you're crazy for wanting the father of your baby to commit to you and make a stable family for your child? NO!

That being said, your tactics may be "off."

Good luck - hope it all works out for you guys.

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Hello
I too came from a divorced family. My husband came from a family where his parents were married. I was never in any rush to get married. I met my DH when I was 15. We dated on and off thru HS and then stayed together after HS. The truth of the matter is he was ready to get married before I was. 11 years later I was finally ready. We were 26 when we got married. We are still married 18 years later. I do have to say I have been love with him since the day I met him, I just wasn't ready to take the plunge. We did not live together first.
You never mentioned your age.
I was scared to get married, I didn't want to live thru as an adult what I lived thru as a child. It was very painful to be a child of a divorce. My parents were civil too. It wasn't as bad as others haves lived thru.
I can understand you wanting to be married but why do you want to marry someone who isn't ready to be married? On the other hand my brother was in your situation and "did the right thing" and married her. Within 2 years they were divorced.
Give it time if it is meant to be then it will be!
Hang in there!!!!
:)

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K.:

i've been told that it shouldn't take more than one year for a man to decide whether or not he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Over that - he's just getting a free piece...

While I don't believe that to be the case - you need to learn how to communicate your expectations to him and he to you. If you can't agree on this - it will be harder - as if it hasn't been hard enough already.

I love that you are taking responsibility and accepting SOME fault. that is soooo hard to do!!! I do sympathize with you - as seeing your family getting engaged and wondering - well?????? YOU know you love him. Do you KNOW he loves YOU? Do you care if you have a "traditional" family or how do YOU want it to go?

Let him know how you see your future - find out how HE sees it. Hopefully, the two will mesh or you guys can compromise on it. Let him know YOU WANT AN DISCUSSION not a date as this is YOUR future too!!!

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It is beautiful you want to give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. I just wish I could have slowed you down before you decided to move in with him. The old fashioned saying of buying the cow when he is getting the milk for free is unfortunately true. It is not manipulative to protect your feeling and your heart by waiting until marriage but since you already live with him I wouldn't talk about marriage but I may modify our relationship for my own protection and preservation.

Men like the chase, they like the thrill of the hunt. They like to believe they came up with the idea of marriage because they like to pursue and conquer. It is how they are made.

My advice to you is to just spend more time making new friends, having new interests, and not being quite so available. If he can't even have a simple conversation with you after over a year and a half of being together, I don't know if that would be the type of man I would really seriously consider a candidate for marriage.

Be a great mom to your son while you are waiting for his father to get himself together busy yourself with other things. You may come across someone else willing, ready and able to commit to you and your son. Your boyfriend isn't ready and that's fine but don't settle yourself holding on hopes. He means what he said about not being ready and he is living with you already. Be open to the possibility of something else for your future. Guard your heart but don't speak to him just live your life like he doesn't want to marry you right now.

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im pretty much in the same situation lol my boyfriend would always argue about getting married. i want to get married because i love him and i want to have the same last name as him and our daughter (coming in feb). we comprimised and he got me a promise ring and promised that we would get married somday. so until then im giving our daughter my last name. ever since he got the promise ring i stoped bringing it up and now he talks about getting married this year. if you dont wait until you both are ready its going to put a lot of pressure on him and hes going to freak out! lol trust me. i hope this helps and good luck!!

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Don't push the issue. When and if he is ready he will ask you to talk about it. But the last thing you want to do is to force him into thinking about it--it will cause resentment and problems which could potentially make you break up. You don't want him to marry you for the wrong reasons--- let it happen, with time.
M

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Perhaps he wants you to leave the subject alone for awhile so he can properly propose =) Just give it some time. If you're really in love, then maybe that's what he's waiting for. The perfect way to do it! Be patient, and I'm sure he'll surprise you! Best of luck!

You're not at all crazy. But, bugging your boyfriend about getting married might not be the best thing to do. He'll just tune you out. And, he may be thinking that there is added pressure now that your brothers are engaged.
It might help to tell him that you'd feel better if you could at least discuss the subject and that it doesn't have to mean the same thing as actually setting a date or anything.
It's my guess that you'd feel your family is complete if you get married and even though you have a baby, it's my guess he's thinking you've only known each other 19 months.

I hope you can find a way to at least communicate about it.
Communication is key to any healthy relationship.

Best wishes!

I honestly don't think, from what you say, that you're being pushy. You want to get married--so, your brothers are getting married. That doesn't mean that you can't, or that you're not ready, etc. I think, when a woman is really ready, it IS hard to see others getting engaged--you automatically start calculating in your head--have they been together as long as we have? How long were they together before they got engaged? It is natural to play the comparison game--it doesn't mean that you're letting others decide for you, it just means that you'e really ready. Is your boyfriend at least willing to discuss a timeline? Or do anything towards working towards engagement? Like an engagement course, or reading or doing a marriage prep book/study together? I feel for you--I wasn't in your exact situation, but I was certainly ready LONG before my husband was. He dragged his feet--we ended up breaking up over it briefly--it was a difficult mess, there was a lot of resentment built up on both sides. Things worked out in the end, I guess that's the important thing! Good luck to you.

I think it is totally natural to want to know IF and WHEN your boyfriend will want to marry you. You don't want to wait forever!

But, at the same time, give your boyfriend credit for at least being honest with you about his feelings towards marrying you. That at least tells you where he is emotionally at this time, even though you are not getting the answer you want to hear. So, use this time to develop and grow as good parents, and to really think seriously about why you feel this man is the one for you, forever. Talk the time to scrutinize his behaviors a little more...and I like to use a trick I call the "weeks, months, years" trick. Think of a thing about him that you may not be crazy about...maybe it is not a big deal but occasionally it irks you. Can you deal with the behavior for the next 3 weeks? How will you feel in 3 months? 3 years? And, since we are talking marriage, less expand this to 3 decades? Will you still feel OK with it? And so on. Are you essential values in total alignment with his? Like...growing your family, child discipline, relationships with family members, religion, etc. Perhaps a counselor may help you sort this all out.

Well you live together and have a child so to me what's the big deal for him to commit? I think you are doing the right thing not pushing. His background isn't promising as he has seen broken marriages, but... and this is a big but, whether he marries you and you divorce or you go on as you are and break up, the impact is the same the family is broken. Maybe if he looks at it that way he'll see he has nothing to lose and everything to gain. Good luck.

You didn't mention your age which can make a different too.

If either of you is not 100% ready, you should wait. Wait a while and have a discussion with him when neither of you are stressed or rushed about other things. Say something like "We need to have a discussion, I am not trying to pressure you, but I need to get this off my chest and have a clear understanding". Go from there.

Hi K., marriage is nice if you find the right person out there. For some it may not be. His famiy and especially your bf's went through a lot I'm sure. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but your bf may think that you intended to get pregnant as a way to trap him into getting married. You're living with one another right? The question is, how is he as a dad? Is he the kind of dad that wants to spend time with his child or does he up and leave to hang out with the buddies when they call? Is he responsible? Even to you? Is he financially stable? That's what you need to consider. That will also tell you wheather he's ready for marriage or not. If there are a lot of minuses then I would start saving every cent and setting a goal to leave when the time is right.

I was just thinking that you are very acomodating to your BF and your son and you do have all the good reasons, but do you really want to marry someone who "comes from divorced parents with lots of hardship"? just because you have his baby?
May be you can do better? Just a thought... for you and for your son? Paper will not change your BF or the sourness between you two because he procrastinated. He should have at least offered to make an honest woman out of you when you got pregnant. After all, he was one without a condom, right?
I am not trying to offend you just turn your eyes to the other options out there. You seem like a very nice young lady.

I have been with my husband for 18 yrs. now. We just got married this pass October. I waited 18 yrs. I always tell people wait at least 3 yrs before really pushing the subject. I do not believe that people really now each before then. I always say the first years is the Honeymoon period. If you could make it to 3 yrs then I think its worth something. We have 2 children together 3 and 8 and two stepchildren 19 and 17. Good Luck! :)

he is being cautious and may have a fear of commitment. because he doesnt want to do what his parents did and that is smart on his part. I had commitment issues for 7 yrs after my divorce. he knows how hard it is and is trying to avoid a possible nightmare. now having said that my opinion is if you are still together you will probably make it but he has to decide that in his mind. in his tme not yours. talk to him and actually listen to him. his answer may be i dont want to make the same mistakes my parentsdid and that is commendable. but then ask him how long you have to be together before he will decide its safe. tell him there are no garantees in life but he is using his brain. it took alot of people to convince me there are no garantees and fear of what might happen doesnt help because it may never happen.

give him time and space. let him decide without pressure. I am the one holding out on us. we are common law married but not legally. this is more on me than him. but there is no garantees so either way I am playing roulette and so is your boyfriend. ask him what he has to lose by getting married and dont get offended by the answer. and he may just clam up and not answer you and that is ok that is how men deal. it may take him 3 weeks to be capable of answering it cause he has to figureit out in his own head. commitment issues are hard to get past I know i have been divorced for 10 yrs he is remarried and I am not. I know he got married for all the wrong reasons. to prove to her kids that they cant control their mother and I see his marriage being short lived but that is not my problem. I have nothing to prove to anyone. I make my decisions for my own reasons not cause someone else doesnt want me to or to prove a point I use logical reasons for my decisions. i have nothing to prove and nothing to gain by proving something to someone. do i think you should get married only if both of you are comfortable with it not because someone else thinks you should and not for the glory. if he is not comfortable with the idea and you pressure him into it it will not work he will always resent you for it.

Well, if you are expecting him to know when he'll be ready, then you are crazy. Like you said, his upbringing was significantly different from yours, so you shouldn't be surprised as all that he is going to approach marriage in a significantly more cautious manner than you. And be rest assured that this caution has nothing to do with how much he cares and loves you and his son. There are issues involved that need to get resolved before he is ready to marry, and in all honestly, your marriage would suffer significantly if he did not get them resolved beforehand.

What he needs from you is to know that you appreciate the life he is able to give you now, and that you will support him patiently and faithfully to resolve the issues that are keeping him from "taking the plunge". I would suggest counseling from him, and not just so he'll want to marry you, but because it will be good for him in general to address the anger / fear / betrayal, etc. he feels from his youth. As for you, you have to look deep into yourself to decide if you would be okay with living in this non-traditional but loving (as far as I can tell) relationship with him indefinitely. IMO, you already have what is most important in a marriage, why destroy it by insisting on a ceremony and a piece of paper?

Hi K., you sound really reasonable and smart. Do you guys live together? If not, you should prior to getting married. If you already live together then it's almost as though you are married without the paperwork. The truth is that if you two love one another and have a wonderful boy, then a piece of paper does not make a difference, especially if he comes from a not so happy family life. Even slight pressure can push him away, and if he's an honest and good person than that's the most important thing. I'm not opposed to marriage, I'm on my second one, but there's nothing wrong with not being married and still being a family. He should propose on his own when he's ready. In the meantime, think of it this way: he should still be courting you and you don't have to do his laundry or clean up after him daily. Not being married definitely has its advantages, as does being married. These days love and happiness (and own's financial status) is probably more important than marriage. Enjoy your life and don't stress about marriage, you'll most likely be there soon enough.

I don't think anyone should assume a marriage will occur when an accidental pregnancy occurs in a short term relationship. Many couples who have been together for a year and a half are not discussing marriage.
It doesn't sound like he's looking to marry you at this time. Maybe he will want to in the future, maybe he won't. Having a baby together doesn't necessarily mean that you are the the one for him (or vice versa!). Would this be the man you want to marry if you didn't have a baby together? Be sure of your answer before marrying him! It's fine that you want to get married to him, but you cannot make him want to marry you soon or ever. I would suggest discussing the direction and future of your relationship in general. Other people getting married is not related to the state of your relationship, you know that. If he knew when he'd be ready, it would mean that he is ready now. You can't know that you will be ready in six months or a year, it just does not work that way. What he knows is that he is not ready now, to marry you. You don't want to marry a man who is not absolutely wanting to marry you. It's fine to want to be married - I've been married 20 years, since I was 23 - but you can't make another person have the same feelings as you, and he doesn't have to want to marry you. You may need to accept that and decide if you want to continue in a relationship with a man who is not looking to get married in the forseeable future.
Good luck.

Pressuring him into a marriage he's not ready for is asking for a divorce, so you end up in the same (well worse) situation than you're in now. If he's not ready to get married, trying to force him into it isn't going to make him anymore ready.

Now, that's not to say forget your own wants and desires. If marriage right now is really that important to you is it worth walking away? Really think about why marriage is so important to you also...