Am I Being Unreasonable on Honey-do List for My Home?

OK--He goes 2 weeks out of the year. What about the other 50 weeks? Does he belong to a cult that allows home improvements only 2 weeks per year? LOL
He (and his dad) probably enjoy their time together so I wouldn't mess with that.
Make a priority list and let him do O. small task at a time. That's the best way to eat an elephant--O. bite at a time!
Good luck!

You are not being unreasonable. I am also married to a very handy man and sometimes it seems like he'll do work anywhere but home. I don't know if this will work for you, but here is what I do with my husband. I leave a sticky note on the bathroom mirror with a list of what needs to be done. If you do this, you may want to go easy on him the first time and give him a task or two to start. I also give him a reasonable deadline in which to have the work done. If the work is not done by that date, then I tell him I will pay to have someone else do the work. That usually does the trick. He is very cheap and will do just about anything to avoid paying someone for something he is fully capable of doing. HTH!

I agree with the person who said you need to seperate the two situations. What your son is doing for and with his parents is wonderful. If it's not breaking your bank, and he can get the time off work to do it, then I think it's a beautiful gesture and a great time for him to spend with his aging parents.

But I can understand you have things that need to be done. Bring them up to your husband and see if you can start making weekend projects here and there, or pay someone to do it. Whatever you do...just don't bring it up with the point of "You do all this for your parents, but not for me." Just seperate the issues and deal with it on its own. And maybe there are some of these things you could do on your own. Painting a room is easy. You could ask your mom or a friend over to help paint or help with the kids. Make it a fun project. Could you imagine how impressed your husband would be if he came home to some of his honey-do items completed? Instead of it becoming a point of argument, it would be done, you would be proud of the job you did, and he would cherish his handy wife. Just something to consider.

I hope you mange to work it out without it becoming a point of contention in your marriage. Good luck!

cc

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I think it's sad when people keep score of what gets done where.
I totally understand that there are things that need to be done around your house, but, do you know what some people would give to have a caring son like your husband?
Maybe it's true and your father-in-law's house could have been completed 5 years ago. But, the project keeps your husband and his dad plugging along and connected.
It sounds like you have at least two sons. What if one day, your husband really wanted or needed to be connected with them, even though they had a family and their own home, and one or both of your sons said, "Sorry, Dad....roof's leaking and the car needs an oil change and we need to paint here. I can't find the time to help you right now."
My grandfather died when my grandmother was still a young woman. She raised a daughter and 3 boys all by herself. You better believe, anything that woman ever needed when she got older was taken care of for her. She was too proud to ever ask, but there was no question, from the beginning, when my aunt and dad and uncles got married, she would be taken care of out of reverance for everything she sacrificed for them all her life. It wasn't out of duty, or a chore...they adored her. It was out of pure love.
My dad was he first of the siblings to pass away. I'm still not over it. He lived 3,000 miles away and I wasn't able to see him nearly as much as I wish I could have.
Once time is gone, there's no getting it back, that's all I know.
You got upset and what did you do?
You called your mom.
It doesn't matter how old we get, we still need and love our parents.
I think your mom gave you some really good advice.
Your husband is being a great son. Let it go.
Hope that your sons will be as good to you.

I have a friend who's husband is a firefighter. He's fought on these huge California fires. Of course she worries. But, she learned early in their marriage not to complain. She didn't have the husband at home every night thing. She didn't have the take out the trash, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, fix the shingles on the roof and whatever else I post on the refrigerator for you to do type of husband.
To keep from driving herself crazy about where her husband was because they couldn't always even stay in contact, she painted the house. She cleaned the gutters. She fixed the shingles and kept up on the car maintenance. She realized it didn't have to be a matter of "my husband does it or it doesn't get done and then I'm going to be mad."

Your in-laws won't be around forever. Your husband won't be gone seeing them or helping them on projects into infinity.
It really hurts to lose a parent and the one thing you always wonder is if you showed them how much you love them.
Yes, we get married and we have our own families, but deep down we are still the kid who got tucked into bed every night or taught how to play baseball or showed how to make bubble bath beards.
Some people, as they get older, realize how short life is and we begin to realize that our parents won't be around forever. As a kid, you don't think about that stuff.

I don't think your husband is doing anything wrong.
I think you should be proud of him and support him and let your sons see as an example that even when you get older, you still love your parents.
When you get old, you'll hope your kids remember that.
I see both sides and I don't know what the answer is, but I hope you won't give your husband too bad a time about. It's not like they live 3 blocks away and they call him every 15 minutes to come over.

I didn't look at the other responses, but I wish you the best and hope you can find a middle ground with your husband.

It's a pain in the neck and some have a lower opinion about it. So just hire your own handy man and see if your husband notices (or even cares) that you don't ask him to do things around the house anymore.

What you have is a bit of misplaced anger. If your husband was doing some maintenance on your home, you probably wouldn't mind, especially if you guys can afford the contribution he makes in buying their supplies. No doubt, he likes the visits and perhaps working with his dad and doing what he's doing for them.

So, you have to work on how to best get your husband to do the home stuff. If your marriage is a good ione, that shouldn't be too hard. If his style is one thing at a time, likes company, go with him to get the supplies, whatever, consider it.

If the marriage isn't great, figure out what's holding it back and start to work on what needs to be done or changed. "We cannot change other's behavior, we can only change ourselves." That change may affect a change in him.

After reading the responses, I am very surprised at what some people concluded. Take a moment to think that perhaps these parents can't afford help now. Understand that many contractors overcharge and sometimes mess up things worse than they started. Consider that these parents might have sacrificed everything for their son. Consider how you would feel about a husband who refused to help his parents in a bind from age, money, and health. Also consider that the husband might LOVE doing this for them.

One thing has NOTHING to do with the other. In negotiating the projects that need to be done at your home, get and show him proposals you have gotten from handymen to do that work. Then perhaps he'll get on it (or not fight about your hiring it done because it is too dangerous, or too hot, or he doesn't know how to do it)

Ugh, I agree with you. I hope my son is as nice as that one day, but I also hope that I would never put him in that position. That is how I would look at it- Would I take advantage of someone that way? I hope not.

I agree that you have probably already spent what it would cost to pay someone to fix it. Your family should not be out of pocket on this 7 year ordeal to fix their house. So if he has made 14 trips at least a week long, he has already put in over 3 months of work time on this house. It can't possibly be in that bad of condition if they are living in it this whole time. How much longer is this going to continue? If October is realistically the last time this will happen, I'd say let it go. But if this project is only half done, I'd explain your position and say that you are unhappy. I'd lay it out with hours put in plus money spent, appeal to his logical side.

Or maybe his parents could give you guys the money to pay a contractor to fix up all the things on your house that need attention? Right now construction is cheaper than ever before, both houses could probably be fixed with the money this is costing your family. And maybe if your husband stops going twice a year, your whole family could go once a year, and have an enjoyable vacation. It would be one thing if this was just to visit his family, I would understand that. But sacrificing his family at home to do construction work doesn't seem fair to me.

Regardless, I think your attitude is very patient.

I understand your feelings and I'm sure I'd feel the same way.

BUT...

Whenever I decide what in my life needs to take priority, I ask myself this, "When I'm on my deathbed, which will I regret not doing" and I compare my possible scenarios. Morbid, I know.

We don't have our parents forever and while I bet it frustrates your hubby, too, sometimes, he's going to have a source of joy along with the pain of losing his family when the day comes. He is giving giving giving giving to them, and making sacrifices. It's so noble and wonderful and he gets to know his folks as adults that I think it would be an incredible loving gift to let him have this. They won't be there forever and the house won't be broken down forever, either. This is a matter of a few years, I guess, which I DO see is unfair to you and your home. IN the end, though, is a painted home of your own greater than the gift of sharing and giving to your parents? Will you have more joy on your deathbed knowing that those rooms were painted or that you gave your husband this incredible, generous gift of giving back to the people who raised him.

Just a thought. I wish you all the best.

They just want him there. It has nothing to do with contractors or money.

Wait until he is home. When you are in a really good mood, when he is in a really good mood....then simply say, "can we talk?".

Quietly, calmly, lovingly....talk about it. You'll be surprised.

...believe me...its got squat to do with an old house. (on both their parts)

Hire a contractor to do the stuff to your house. Openly let your husband spend time with his parents hasselfree. My mother in law calls with honey-do lists for my husband. When I relay the message, I tell him, "Your mom wants to see you. While you're there such and such needs done." One day your in-laws won't be around anymore and your husband would handle that loss much better when he knew in his heart he'd done everything he could to be with them and help them out.

Be grateful you are married to such a wonderful man. Remember the old saying, "If you want to know how your husband will treat you, look at how he treats his mother."

Outsource the things around your house and foster and enable your husband to love his parents. You'll be glad you did.

Wow, you mean he is giving up his own vacation time and time with his own family, not to mention all the things you need done around your own home and they aren't even footing the bill for his tickets?? I feel that they are being very selfish, not to mention cheap.

What would be fair is for him to go once a year and the other week spend at homeo with his own family and his own list of things that need to be done. He is being a wonderful son, but how about being a wonderful husband and father? I'm on your side on this one.

What did he say when you suggested working on your own home in October? I do not think that is unreasonable. And if he says no, discuss hiring someone to do what you need done, it's certainly not going to fix itself. And you can send your in-laws the bill..lol, yeah, just kidding on that.

Geez, my own son is 36 and has his own construction business and I would never think of asking him to do something like that. Wow, I can't get over this..lol. I can't believe they don't even pay for his tickets!

I've got my mother's voice in my head saying "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all", so I'm going to shut up now..

Being a person that lives a 16 hour drive from my own mother I would have to say that putting the home improvement project aside your husband should visit his parents twice a year. Please that's not at all unreasonable. I think the fact that he does for them and not you is your real issue. If you can't see it in your heart to allow him to spend whatever it takes to go visit his parents twice a year, then I personally think you are being very selfish. Is it ruining you financially? And your mother is right. A man that honors and respects his parents is a man to be proud of not resented.

I think you need to check your feelings and analyze what is really bothering you. Question: Why don't you go with him? Sounds kind of weird that you don't spend time with them? They are your in-laws: a valuable addition to your family. I would have serious issue with my own husband if he denied me the opportunity to see my mother the once or twice a year that we can visit her. And he and the kids go with me...as a family to spend valuable time with the woman that shaped me into the woman he fell in love with. She has value to our family......almost sounds like you don't like them, find any value in them and resent the time they take from you with your husband. I hope that's not the case. Because you are asking this forum for advice...I'm thinking you already know the answer to the questions you posted.

It's really hard to watch your spouse do for someone else what's not getting done in your own house, bottom line. I think that if your home were not going neglected, you would have way less of a problem with this. I think that it's somewhat easy for my husband to take me for granted because he thinks of me and our home as an extension of himself, and he puts other people ahead of himself. It sounds selfish to him when I remind him that I need him to put our home first, because he sees that as putting himself first. It's both the highest compliment and the lowest insult. This might help you to feel a bit better about it, give you some perspective.

Make a list of everything that needs fixing and assign that list to him. If necessary, let things start to fall apart around you. If he doesn't see a problem, he will have no reason to place any urgency on it.

I don't know what role you play in the finances. If this is burdening your pocketbook, discuss that with him and try to work out a plan. As his parents age, it is increasingly important to him that he be able to "repay" them for all that they have been for him in his life, especially since he does not live close by. Do not take this away from him. Show him that you want to work with him, and he'll be more receptive to you. Otherwise, you two will just fight about it all the time.

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Hi S.. I bet you are enjoying other peoples points of view. Here is another one. Have your FIL foot the bill for the flights and then you can stash that money and hire a contractor on your end to do what needs to be done on your house while hubby is away. Just a thought.

L.

wow, i mean, i understand helping out parents, but they would have to cover his tickets. very unreasonable for him to fly there so many times a year and pay out of his pocket. do the math see how much he has spent so far and see if that money would have covered contractor work. i bet you i'd come close. so yes he should help them but they should relieve him of the financial burden he has been putting on himself by doing this.

It isn't unreasonable for him to go see his parents 2x per year (I do that as I live far away from my family). I think the real issue is how will you get done at home what you need to? Ask your husband to talk about it and committ to a project timeline for your home - and then decide if he'll do the work or get a contractor.

It's all about balance. If you have that many issues going on at home he really needs to put some sort of a priority on those things. You say that he will be gone 9 days. And he goes twice a year. Is he using up all of his vacation time from work?? If that's the case that does not seem too fair. I think it's great that he is so helpful to his parents, but like I said, there has to be some balance. He has to worry about your house as well.

If I were in your situation, I wouldn't complain about him helping his parents, so long as it does not create a financial burden for y'all. If bills go unpaid because he is buying plane tickets or missing work, then the situation certainly needs to be reassessed.
I would do work on my house myself, as much as possible. I would paint and repair the deck myself. I would make sure that vehicle maintance and repairs were taken care of. I would have called the insurance company immediately about the roof leak.
For nearly 10 years, work took my husband away from home often, sometimes for long periods (like when he spent a year overseas) and I did those home repairs myself, asked friends for help, or hired someone for the job. Maybe I'm different, but I don't see why honey-do chores are only a man's responsibility. I always figure it's my home too, so I do the things I'm able to.
Also, think of the example he's setting for your children. Your children are hopefully seeing that he loves his parents and is happy to help them. When the kids are grown and y'all need help, won't it be great if they help y'all in the same unselfish way your husband helps his parents?

This is a tough one.
No, you're not having a princess. A wife is entitled to having her husband. He made a commitment to you. That said, this biannual project between your husband and his dad seems to be more than a project, it is a bonding activity.
First of all, the finances going into this project appears to be bothering you. He is spending money on the air tickets. Meanwhile, his labor is free.
I want to suggest that you hire someone to take care of your projects.
Can you afford to hire someone? If so, I would go ahead and just do that. If not, talk to your husband about the money you need to finish the things you need done in your house since he is not doing it.
I assume your husband has a job. If you don't want to hire someone, can he save some vacation time to help out in the house? Ask him to set aside that time and have him commit to it. If he does not have time left for helping his dad, he should at least divide the amount of vacation time he has between your family and his parents.
Bottom line, both of you need to discuss the way you and your husband spend time and money. You and your husband have a commitment to each other and it's not fair for him to do this for a prolonged period of time if it is infuriating you. The wife and family should come first. You may need a psychologist or pastor to help you sort that out and I strongly recommend that.

I just got back from a trip to see my mom. She is slowing down so much now that when I say good-bye, it may the last time. Let your husband spend this time with his parents. Put it in the budget so it doesn't feel like a burden. Then budget for your own supplies to make repairs.

My mom kept thanking me for coming and spending time with her. Yes, she loved having her home cleaned but she mentioned over and over how glad she was that I came and spent some time with her.

It won't be forever, so be sure to tell your husband how proud you are that he wants to help his dad.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your husband to put his home and his family first. I think for the first couple of years it was a nice gesture to go and help out his parents but after that I think it started to get a little excessive and it needs to stop.
I think you're at the point now where somebody needs to hire a contractor, either you or his parents. I'd just simply put my foot down and tell him flat out that he needs to start putting you and your home first. Period. He should not be feeling guilty for taking care of his wife and family. There should not be any loyalty issues. He married you and you come first. He's not a child and his parents should not be the priority in his life any longer.
Just simply tell him what you want and need from him. Does he even realize there's a problem? He may not completely understand that you're very frustrated at the moment and you may just need to be a little more blunt!
Good luck!

what your husband is doing for your inlaws is great. support that. neglecting your home is a different story. view them seperatly. i suggest you let the hubby take the kids to the zoo or some place for the day while you paint. that is something you can do. then the next month on a weekend you take the kids and work it out with your hubby about the roof leak. if he dosent fix it that weekend then you go ahead and call a contractor to have it fixed. then the next room to paint he takes kids. then switch with him...if he again does not fix what ever needed then call the contractor. ( if he dosent finish thats a different story give him a couple of weekends in a row to fix it. if it goes for say three months half finished or not much progress call a contractor you guys should set time lines )

Lots of great responses already... but here's a question I didn't see answered anywhere (unless I just plain missed it):

Does your husband have other vacation time during the year?

I mean, does he take a vacation that he spends with you and the kids? It is important bonding time as a family to spend time together like that. I get that he is probably doing a lot of bonding with his own Dad. Well, is there any way that he can arrange these trips so that you ALL can go? How far away is his parents' house? Maybe he could cut the "work" time down to 4 days, to allow for some travel time and you could make it into a family road trip? (Surely you could do that for about the same $, if it isn't completely across the country...) Or maybe one of your kids? (a son can work with them and be a 3 generation project if he is old enough, and a daughter can spend time with Grandma helping and bonding with her. Either/Both can listen to all the great stories about their Dad when he was little).
If you still get to have a "family vacation" in addition to these 2 trips he makes every year, then I am more inclined to let him do his bonding with his Dad argument free. With the caveat, that if one of the kids is old enough, it might be cool to take one along with him. If you don't get your own family vacation together, then I would say it is time to cut down to one working trip a year at his parents, and spend the other time slot with his nuclear family (you and the kids).

Possibly your husband is not mindful that he is making
a tradeoff; his parents' home modifications over his own.
Maybe he is rating his parents' standard of
living above his own.
It is/was easier for me to organize my mother-in-law's
house over my own. I believe it was because the
decision making was not tied to any personal emotions;
to throw away or keep and find a place for it.
Also, when you have a short window to do the repairs,
sometimes one can be more fruitful. He knows that his home
repairs will always be there waiting for him the following day.
If your inlaws are well enough to do, they might consider
paying his airfare in lieu of a contractor.
Could be that he also finds fullfilment visiting his aging
parents twice a year. I no longer have parents and that would
rate high on my list.
Hope you find a way to communicate with him without taking
away from his joy of doing these things for his parents.
Best wishes.

I sort of understand where you are coming from - being frustrated that there is a ton of work to be done at your house and hubby takes off to do someone else's work before the jobs at your house are finished. But seeing that the trip is twice a year I'd say let it go. IMO, that isn't unreasonable, especially since it is his own parents. I would recommend writing down what you see that needs done and working out a plan to get them completed. Best wishes to you.

I agree. They want his help, it's time for them to pay for the travel. If they won't pony up that money, he can stay home and fix up your house. Also, I think once a year is plenty, if he is truly spending more than a week at a time out there.

I am late in the game, but was happy to read how you resolved the issue for yourself. Good for you. I am in a similar situation in a different arena. I have learned to just ask for my needs, and not comment when he does other work elsewhere. Just be supportive. He resented when I would comment on he dedication to tasks not at home. He is now more willing to help fulfill my requests when I support him with other things. Does that make sense?
HTH, or at least supports your already decisions.

WOW! That is a can of worms! It seems as if it's your father in law who needs the adjustment in attitude. Does he know that his house will sell for less money if it can't pass an inspection and then he will HAVE to call a contractor to fix it?

On the one had kudos to DH for wanting to help out. Shame on FIL for making him (because it does seem like he is making him). DH needs to stand up to him.

DH needs to realize your concerns as well. You cannot live in a house that is falling apart. YOU call a contractor and get bids for what needs to be done at your house. You cannot let that go!

Good Luck!

We have the opposite problem. My father in law refuses to let my husband help him with anything. It is just a stubborn pride issue for my FIL. We are not talking about major projects; some have been as simple as getting the Christmas decorations down from the attic or putting bags of mulch in their rather small flower beds. These are projects that would take my husband less than an hour to do. My in-laws live less than 10 minutes away and my FIL is 70 and has severe COPD but he would rather pay someone else to do something than to take help from his son. This hurts my husband because he wants to help but kind of feels as though he will never be able to do something good enough to please his dad. So you may be dealing with some family dynamics that go way back in their family history. He may still be trying to win his dad's approval or your husband may have a strong gift of service and really enjoys feeling needed or his parents may guilt trip him into doing this for them. Did he move away from them or did they move after he was out on his own? It may be time to sit down and talk to him about why he feels he has to do this. The answer may surprise you and may give you more understanding as to why he feels as though he has to do this.

Now to deal with the projects at your home. Come up with a list of things that you think you need to have done at your house. Then make time some afternoon when it is just the two of you and talk about what you think needs to be done and add anything that your husband sees that needs to be done. Then prioritize the list and set out a game plan to get it done. Is there something urgent (like a roof leak) that would be best to hire someone to do now if he doesn't have the time to do it right now. Or plan a weekend a month for the two of you to work on the list. Are there things on the list that you could take care of? Sometimes when it is projects at our own homes it can almost seem overwhelming when you see all that needs to be done, so you don't even want get started. Where as if you have a time schedule of a weekend or a week to ten days (as in the case of going to his parents') then you know that I only have to work on this for this amount of time. I will do as much as I possibly can but at the end of this time frame, I am done until the next work day.

This is an issue that you can chose to let fester and get worse (kind of like the roof leak will do) or you can chose to work on a solution. The conversation could start off as "I appreciate the fact that you are a good son to your parents and that you want to help them out. I also understand that you probably enjoy spending time with them. However I do get a degree of frustration when you go to their house and help them with their needs but the needs at our house are not being addressed. I don't want this to become an issue between us so what do you think would be a good game plan to get our projects done so that you can still go to your parents and help them? Do you think we should hire a handyman to take care of some of the projects or would you like to pick one weekend a month that is dedicated to us taking care of our projects?"

This is one of those times in life that you get to make the choice of how you want to deal with an issue - (1) Openly discuss the issue and find a solution that the two of you can agree on or (2) Pout, let the issue fester and have fights about it for years, let it ruin your relationship with him and with his parents.

Good luck and I hope that you chose to work on a solution so that you no longer resent him helping his parents and he won't resent you for making him feel guilty about helping his parents.

I love Lynn L.s suggestion!!!! I would have a HUGE problem with the arrangement you described. It is one thing to be a "great son to his parents", but it is another for his parents to continue taking advantage of him for this many years!

You didn't in any way suggest that his parents can't afford to hire someone to do the work...you made it sound like your FIL just has a problem trusting contractors (understandable certainly, but not practical).

Here's another thought I just had. Why not suggest that your FIL come out to your place to "help" twice a year...he can buy the supplies for your house while your hubby spends a week doing the work!

Speaking as someone who's quite "handy", that roof leak needs to be repaired YESTERDAY...every day he waits, every rain storm, the problem just gets worse...it could be rotting out structural elements (e.g. roof trusses). What could be a simple "repair" now could become a ridiculously expensive "replacement" in less than a year (I learned this lesson with a covered porch that had to be ripped out and replaced...failing to use about $10 worth of caulk cost me $2200).

The deck may also be the same as is maintenance of automobiles...many problems, if they aren't caught and corrected quickly, become wildly expensive disasters (I blew an engine in my car in college because I kept putting off maintenance...cost me $3000 to replace it when about $100 worth of maintenance would have prevented it from happening!!).

As for the painting...do it yourself...get your kids to help. My son (he's nine) will be helping me paint his room as soon as he gets out of school...he "helped" paint it last time when he was just four (helped in quotes because he wasn't that helpful but he liked being a part of the work). You can paint a room in a day...and the more you do it, the faster and better you get at it...and you're helping your kids learn a valuable skill that could save them tens of thousands of dollars over their lifetime (and even pay for college...my roommate is working for a painter now to pay for her tuition...she repeatedly expresses her gratitude that her dad taught her how to do this kind of work).

I don't believe you are having a Princess moment. I am wondering why he's there for 9 days? That seems like a long time. I would visit my parents more than twice a year but I would be gone for a long weekend or such. My husband would have an issue with me being gone 9 days anywhere!!! I also understand the frustration. I think you are upset because he is gone for a period or time and ya'll are footing the bill. When hubby comes home tell him how proud you are that he wants to help his folks but suggest that limiting the time would be better for the family. Also, why not ask his folks to pay for one of the tickets?

I believe you really need to sit down and discuss this with your husband. Explain your concerns about this situation and listen to what he has to say. I think there is a compromise there. Good luck!!

I did not read other posts so sorry but since you have it solved i will just add one tiny thing: i do have a to do list for my hubbie. it is on the fridge on a dry wipe board I never 'hound' him to do it as like your husband he is very handy but very busy. I think when I bring up the list he resents it a little, feels overwhelmed and it makes him feel like my kid or something. So...I just leave it there and when he is doing stuff for the day I simply say, if you can try to do something off the list...if not whatever and that has helped. he does not get to it most of the time grrr but he is in a better mood about the list in general.

Not sure if this helps any, but my inlaws live in California. Even though they have 2 daughters that live in CA, neither one of them helps them w/"projects", they just take from them. For the past couple of years, my FIL has been having small medical issues and he qualifies for VA benefits, but even though he's capable, he just won't do it. I basically forced my husband to go and see his parents for 14 days, just because we can't afford (as a family) to go and see them, my husband shouldn't have to be punished. He's very close to his family and I like that about him, makes him a better family man for us - I didn't say handy man b/c Lord knows we've had to hire a few handymen ourselves. I'm closed to my family as well, but I'm lucky, they only live 3 hours away and I get to see them often. Anyway, I've decided that if we can't all go, he needs to go and spend at least 2 weeks in CA twice a year w/his family b/c our parents are getting older by the day -the parents that we used to know as kids are gone. I know that you want him to help you around the house, but not sure it's really about the help, it's more about spending time w/his dad. Good thing is that your children are learning from him that no matter what obstical ya'll face, you still have to find time for your parents...in the long run, over time, they are learning a valuable lesson about family and it'll be repaid back you over time w/your own children. My personal opinion is to adjust your attitude, be supportive...don't get me wrong, I'm not submissive at all to my husband but when it comes to family, I'm all for it and it's actually kind of nice to spend some alone time w/my son as well. Good luck!

This isn't an efficient use of time or recourses. I think your FIL just wants your son's attention. Just the money your husband has spent on plane tickets would go a long way to finishing the project. If your husband actually ENJOYS the time with with father, then he needs to call it a vacation, not going up to help with the house. If it is a chore, then he needs to stay home and fix your house. I think your FIL is being difficult and demanding.

I really like the ideas of your FIL paying for the plane tickets, or otherwise paying for a contractor for your house. He shouldn't be neglecting his own family for his parents. Ignoring your own needs for the needs of other's isn't such a good example.

How about calling a contractor to come and fix all of the things wrong with your house? when he pays the bill, it might dawn on him that things are being left undone at home.

No you're not wrong at all. I would tell my husband he needs to fix the things wrong in OUR house first. They are in no immediate need of selling the house. But that leak in your son's room could potentially get worse fast! What about the car? I mean, it's cool he wants to help out his aging folks, but he needs to concentrate on your guys' family.

I would agree with you, enough is enough. If they want him to keep coming down and he wants to keep going, then they need to start paying for his airfare, and he needs to do it after the things in your own home have been taken care of.