Am I Being Too Sensitive? - Seymour,CT

I don't think you are overreacting at all but unless you want to possibly and probably make the situation worse and have the boys see each other even less, just let it go. Have a fun party!

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I think it was very tacky to accept one invitation and then accepting another for a party deemed 'better'. Somewhere along the line your friend confused birthday party celebration for a child with entertainment for my child. Your friend could use a couple lessons in manners because she seems to have forgotten hers.

As far as your party? I'd say just tell your son that Patrick won't be coming after all and plan on having fun without him. I don't think I'd mention much to your friend about the incident but I wouldn't go out of my way for her in the future. The thing with friends is that you can have them for 5 minutes, 5 months, 5 yrs, or 5 lifetimes. You may have outgrown this friendship for the most part but time will tell.

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Perhaps Patrick's best friend in the new school is having the water park party. It's hard to have a friend move away, but it happens. They make new friends and move away mentally as well as physically. I wouldn't confront Patrick's mother, but the next time you have a play date you might mention that your son was disappointed. Explain to your son that Patrick had other plans for that day and couldn't come. Then perhaps you can plan something special for just the 2 of them to do to celebrate your son's birthday the following weekend. Maybe a movie or lunch at a restaurant.

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Hi H., my daughter who is turning one on August is having her 1st party and my invitations are in the mail. I know how much effort you are putting in your son birthday party to make him feel special. What Patrict's mother is doing is disloyal not Patrick, he is just a kid. however, I think you should not even call her back, she is waitng for you to call back,this is about her somehow and not about the kids. you take the high road and snub her back."Do not call her or even mention it to her when you see her" she will be sure to mention this to you, because it's about her, if she does, just tell her, " my son had the most fabulous time at his party will all his lovely friends" leave it at that. you might need to start to put things in prospective with your son from now on. it is important that your values matches right now with your son parants values. "Watch out the apple don't fall far from the tree" (sometimes). Have a great party, don't let your son put too much into it. just tell him Patrict cannot make it at this Party, this time. keep him focus with all his other friends, At this age, he will react to how you react to it. if you show him you are angry, he will be too. i am positive he will have a great time at his party, forget about Patrict, he rocks now! have a magical day!

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Hi H.,

Your talking to the queen of "next best things". LOL I always hated when other kids would make up a reason not to attend a party or play date because something "better" came along. Unfortunately, parents are the ones that have the control. If that mother had morals, she would have stuck with the original plan to have her son attend your son's birthday party since that was the invitation that was accepted first. She's just teaching her child to not keep his word & that it's ok to hurt someone's feelings by backing out of prior commitments. I really don't think there is much you can do about it because people like that think they're in the right. I guess the only thing you can tell your son is that his friend has another engagement he has to attend. You're not really lying....he has to attend this other function because his mom is allowing him to go with Plan B instead of Plan A.

Good luck!
A.

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Hi H.,
I don't think your overreacting being upset. It is definitely disappointing. This same situation happened to my stepson. I was having a birthday party at our house and my husbands very good friend and children were going to attend ( five kids) My stepson loved all of them and we were very close. He was so excited they were coming to the party. It's all he could talk about. I got all my goody bags set. I got extra because they did have 5 kids plus all his other classmates. An hour before the party they called and said they wouldn't be able to make it. They said they'd maybe stop over the next day b/c they had a gift for him. I let them know I was sorry to hear that and He would be so disappointed. They decided to go to another gathering instead. Alex was so upset. I couldn't get him to stop crying. They meant so much to him. He had an OK time at the party but he was really bumbed. He is a kid with a huge heart. I let him know that maybe we could play another day. They called that night at 9pm and asked if they could drop off the gift. I adviced it was late and he was in bed. They said that was OK and they will just drop it off and go. I let them know how upset he was and that I couldn't get him to stop crying. Couldn't they please drop it off at a time so that he could see them. They said no. Thought it was cute that he was upset. They came that night. I told them again how upset he was and that they are really hurting him. Can't they just take 5 -10 min one day to visit with him. They didn't get it. Since then we have just been neighborly. My husband was furious. We haven't ever gotten together. Just say hello in passing. They obviously didn't care for our sons feelings.
I think you need to be polite and not make a big deal. It doesn't hurt to let the person know the cause and effect. They just might not get it. Any age you find out who your real friends are.

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I think as a mom we all want what is best for our children so no you are not overreacting you are just being a mom who wants to protect her child from being hurt. However how you handle it is a whole different story. I would not make up a story to tell your son I would simply tell him that Patrick can't make it to the party and just end it. If he asks more then I think it is okay to spare him the details and just simply say I am not sure. I am sure your son will have a great time at his party with his other friends. I would not confront her because it may not have a good outcome. Children can argue and make up 10 minutes later and when parents get involved the hard feelings do not go away. I think staying out of it and not making it a big deal with your son is the best thing to do. I am sure the next playdate they have the subject will not even come up. You are just drawing on feelings as a mom and kids just don't go there he will be fine. Unfortunately, we can not be responsible nor do we have control on how some people handle situations especially when we know we would have handled them differently. These are just the beginning of hard lessons that our children will have to face and sometimes the things we stress about just roll right off of them. I would just put your energy into your sons wonderful day and enjoy it. Don't let this ruin your day or his. Good luck!!

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1. don't hold a grudge.
2. tell your son Patrick had something else already planned and can't attend and then set up a play date sometime soon.
3. Call the Mom and just tell her your son will miss Patrich and your sorry he can't attend and set up that play date!
4. honest and truelly forgive her and Patrick and move on. Your son will have a great time with or without Patrick and it is HIS day any way so make it all about your son. Enjoy the kids that are there and have fun!!! I stopped worrying a long time ago about who isn't there and have fun with who is!!!! A.

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An honest, level-headed discussion is always better than bottling it up and losing a friend. There might be other circumstances you don't know about. Good luck!

Hi H.,
Are you being too sensitive? Well, I think I would feel the same way you do but in the reality of life it's not all that important except that you feel bad about it. Maybe you think more of the kids relationship then they do or maybe because the other party is with kids he goes to school with the Mom might feel that her son would feel left out of things when the other kids talk about the party at school. It's a hard call. If you are really good friends with the mom, you could let her know how you feel in a nice way. Is she an easy person to talk to? How important is your relationship with her? Some times things are better left as they are but if you are going to be upset about it then you need to talk to her. It's not good saying nothing and having bad feelings over it for years because you kept quiet. If it were me and it was a good friend of mine, I would say to her that I feel bad that her son isn't going to come to the party and it meant so much to your son that he was. One thing you might consider is as kids get older and have new friends that a child coming from another town might feel uncomfortable with kids he doesn't know. There are a lot of variables to consider. I guess go with your heart in your decision. This will be among many things that will disappoint you with parents where your child is concerned. I hope it all works out okay for you. I know me, I would say something to a close friend maybe not to a person that isn't that close. It all depends on how you will feel with whatever her answer to you is. Also, is she a confrontational person? If so, do you want to get involved with someone like that? I don't know if I've helped or not but good luck. I'd love to know what the final outcome is. xoxo D. I just read where you said you are good friends and she is your daughter's godmother. I think I would call, say your are disappointed and that Patrick will be missed. You could say, I just was wondering why the change in plans? Or you could let it go, don't carry a grudge because that will fester and enjoy your son's day with him and the kids that are there. Good luck.

Hi H.,
If this mom received your son's invitation and rsvp'ed to the party, then no, you are not over reacting. I would never allow my children to cancel on one party when they responded officially to the invitation just to go to a "better" party at a more fun location. This is extremely rude and is being a bad friend. I would not call the mother back, and let that be a message to her. I would not tell her it's fine or okay. It's not. She is not teaching her son proper manners or friendship. I would tell your son the truth - that his "best buddy" chose to go to a more fun party. He needs to know that this is the kind of friend this kid is, and if Patrick's mother is not going to tell him that it's wrong to do this, then let if the boys get together again, let your son tell Patrick whatever he wants - if your son tells him he's mad at him or that this really hurt his feelings, then let him. I am sorry for your son's disappointment and I hope that he still has a wonderful time at his party.

I would feel the same way! I think it's so crappy when people make plans, then change them all of a sudden because something "better" came along. She's modeling such disregard for others' feelings. :(

But what can you do? I agree with Jennifer- you're going to have to let it go. It's hurtful and frustrating, and unfair to your son. But don't lie to him. Just let him know that they won't be able to make it, because something came up unexpectedly. Then enjoy your party! No need to call her back, unless you two are actually friends. (But if you consider her a friend, that's another situation. Speak up then!)

Sorry she's a jerk. Hopefully your son and his friend will be able to work it out on their own. If it gets discussed between the two of them (and it probably will!), then you'll probably have to do some damage control. But in that case, it's a good opportunity to teach your son how to express his feelings. He can tell his friend how he feels- because that's what friends do!

The only way I would be truly upset with Patrick's mother is if the gym cost money and she (or Parick) decided that Patrick wanted to go the water park more. When money is involved, especially these days, you don't just make last minute decisions. It's not always the decision people have a problem with, it's usually the fact that the other person never gives you the respect, as a friend, to pretend they care enough to ask if you mind. That's when feelings get hurt. I think if Patricks mom would have at least called and talked directly with you and explained the situation, asked your opinion, and then acted, I wouldn't be writing this response. :)

that is so odd for her to even tell you the reason they're not coming. here: if you're good friends with her call her up and say "what am i supposed to say to my son? He'll be heartbroken not to have patrik there." and let her sweat trying to make excuses.
if you're not good friends with her, but more like on hi and bye basis, then really there isn't much you can say.

Sorry you thought I was being mean. I wrote my comments with the best intentions. Apparently, I wasn't clear.

If your son's invitation had already been accepted, I think the mother is making a poor choice. Part of growing up and being a good friend means learning that you keep promises made even when it is uncomfortable or unpleasant. I can understand that she wants her son to participate in a really fun party, but she should have discussed this with you before he accepted the other invitation.

Give your son the real reason his friend is not coming very neutrally. He is old enough to understand the situation, and has probably been faced with days himself where he wants to be in two places at once. I bet he is less hurt than you feel for him right now. We moms tend to take "slights" to our kids very personally, but don't. You may find yourself faced with a similar choice one day: disappointing your own son or someone else's child. And don't critize the child.

When you call back, and your should, snubbing is not an option if you want to be a good example to her bad one, I do think you could very gently point out that your son is disappointed, and that you yourself are a bit disappointed as well, that while you understand her position, you feel the situation might have been dealt with better. It will be a tough thing to do without putting her back up, but you'll feel better if you at least try. Then suggest your son and hers meet another time to celebrate the birthday, a special activity for just the two of them.

Hi H.,
You have many great responses here. I'd like to add a couple things. Alberta's 4-points are good - that's how we have to respond to things like this. However, I appreciate how disappointed you must feel - this incident shows your son's friend's (and mother's) decisions to social ettiquette. Their decision hurt your son's feelings -- however, you DON'T know how his mother expressed the consequences to her son (ie., it'll hurt his feelings, not nice to accept then decline for a 'better' offer, etc.). Even if you wouldn't let your son do the same thing, this is THEIR decision. After all, social ettiquette is around to prevent hurt feelings and encourage positive relations. Your son is old enough to learn about social ettiquette, why it exists and the consequences for not practicing good ettiquette. Also, people sometimes forget to use it with 'good' friends. This is a great opportunity for your son to understand that people make decisions different than he might, or prefers, and it's best to put it behind and move on w/o grudges. This will certainly happen again and we can't, and shouldn't, prevent our children from the opportunity of learning and becoming a better person from these life-lessons.
Happy Birthday to your son - he will have a terrific time!
best wishes,

HI H., I don't think you're being to sensitive. Patrick's mom already said he'd be coming to your boy's party, and that's how it should stay. She shouldn't let him change plans because something "better" came up...I think that's teaching him how to be rude & insensitive. I'm not sure what to say to her other than that you already told your son Patrick would be coming and he'll be sooo disappointed. Maybe she'll get the hint. I hope your birthday boy has a great time at his party regardless!

You don't need to come up with an excuse, because your son will find out sooner or later. The other boy will be talking about the other party. The best thing to think about is that maybe the child received the invitation for the other party first. That's what happened to my son.

perhaps you are being too sensitive, and our children feel what we are feeling. also, if your son asks, let him know that they had gotten the other invite first and already responded.

I would just tell her how disappointed you and your son are that he can't come anymore. I'd be disappointed too. If this is just one incident where they chose something else over your son, I certainly wouldn't stress over it or confront her. If it was a pattern, then I'd probably think twice about the relationship. Are you sure she chose the other party because it was just something better that came up? I'm sure in general conversation you can find more details but maybe the other party is a classmate that Patrick is close with and whom he sees more often, or maybe its a family member that he is more obligated to attend. ???? When you call Patrick's mother back, I'm sure she'll give you more explaination. Regardless, just let her know you and your son are both disappointed and just tell your son that his friend had to change the plans, something else came up. Then just let it go for your own sanity!