Am I Asking Too Much ... - Redlands,CA

I say this with the kindest intentions, so I hope you view it that way. You need to see someone to get your OCD tendencies under control. It sounds like it may be getting worse. Obsessing isn't doing any good for you, and it's certainly not doing any good for your kids. You are going to raise them to be germaphobes too, or worse for you, they'll go the other direction and drive you crazy with how dirty they are.

Your MIL's clothes are not going to harm your baby whether she's been on a plane or not.

ETA: I love your SWH. You respond as if we're all crazy for responding that you need a little help. Please re-read your post. Your SWH sounds like it was written by a completely different person. You called yourself OCD. And you said "The thought of them all dirty and in bed kind of disgusts me." Sorry. That's not normal. So what if they get in bed after playing or being sweaty? I can't imagine making my son shower before his nap, just so he can play and get sweaty and dirty again.

So I'll just change my answer. Yes, you are asking too much.

10 moms found this helpful

It all depends upon how you phrase it. If anyone said to me 'please change out of your germy clothes' I would be highly insulted. Something like
'I bet a shower and clean fresh clothes would feel good about now, I have everything ready for you' might be okay.

The thing is being a germaphobe is really BAD for you and yor kids. Your immune system needs to be able to learn to fight off germs or kids will develope allgeries and get sick a lot MORE often.

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I think that yes, you are asking too much.

The hand washing is a given, but the clothes is pushing it. You are perpetuating your own, personal, paranoia onto others. Last time I checked you couldn't get sick from clothes. Not to mention, the woman is helping you out.

What do you do when you take your kids out in public? Do they play at the park or other kids? Do they go to school? Do they partake in any activities or sports? I'm seriously asking... I really hope you don't let these phobias affect you to the point that your family is living in a bubble. They have to build their immune system eventually. I believe in a clean home, but your level of OCD seems a bit unhealthy, honestly.

9 moms found this helpful

ROFL at the thought that it would be reasonable to ask someone to change clothes before holding your baby. If I were your MIL then I might actually indulge the request because I would be laughing so hard at the lunacy of it and it would be a great story to tell my friends. Yes that's a crazy request.

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Sorry - I think you are being a tad paranoid. I get the hand washing...

However, I will say that when I get off a plane - I really want to take a shower and change clothes - I wear comfortable clothes when traveling.

So instead of demanding her to take a shower - why not say "I bet you will want a few minutes to take a shower and change clothes after that plane ride!" If she says "No thanks!! I am really excited to hold my new grand baby!!" Just tell her that hands need to be washed first.

HAVE FUN!! ENJOY!!!

7 moms found this helpful

Well, you are being a bit of a crazy germ-o-phobe. Hands, yes. Clothes, no - because her shoulders and chest did not come into contact with the seat unless she sits on her face on the plane (LOL). I suggest you have one of those nursing blankets or whatever and lay them on MIL and then baby on top.

You MUST let your child be exposed to regular, every day germs. All this antibacterial stuff does is breed more and stronger germs, and not allow natural immunities to build. Breath, relax :)

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Yes I think you are asking too much. Hand washing is quite reasonable but changing clothes or showering? There is no way on the planet that any grandmother is going to fly into town and change her clothes or take a shower before she sees or picks up her brand new grandchild!! The baby will be fine. Let it go.

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I think handwashing will be sufficient.
Germs like moist places, and clothing isnt really in that category.

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It's actually good for your child to exposed to dirt and germs. If you don't allow it, you will give him the kind of "neurosis" that you have and you don't want that for a BOY. He'll be made fun of by other kids and be "different" when he's older.

You also need to understand that he needs to build up his immune system. The only way to do that is to let his body fight germs. Unless you plan to homeschool him and keep him home from church and only go out where you are there to keep him clean, he will be around germs. Letting him be around them now can keep him from catching every cold and bug that comes around once he gets in school, because his body already will ave already been exposed to germs before going to school. (Not that he can't get lots of colds - I'm talking about his immune system being strong due to exposure.)

I really think that you are overboard in this, and it's going to really affect your child. A friend of mine laments that she let this happen to her son - her quest to prevent him from germs and constantly fussing over him manifested itself in him fussing over his hair, face, bathing and clothes for hours every morning. He was constantly missing the school bus and it was an hour drive for her (private school) with a little baby. He COULDN'T get through his "routine".

Really, think hard about what I am saying. She thought she was doing the right thing by keeping her kids clean. This was the price she paid.

Don't let that happen to you. Go get some counseling. When what comes to mind when your MIL comes is her body and clothes crawling with germs, it means you have a real problem that needs to be addressed.

And it's NOT your MIL...

D.

6 moms found this helpful

unless shes a smoker i wouldnt ask for a change of clothes. she is doing you a favor and you should accept it like a gift. kids get dirty and kids get sick. i think you are going way over board with her doing more then hand washing.

6 moms found this helpful

Washing hands? Reasonable.
Changing clothes? If my DIL asked that of me I would definitely think she was beyond paranoid.
But I am sensitive to your situation. My daughter isn't OCD, but she has a germ/sickness phobia that causes her (especially during times of stress) to over wash and over worry about germs, mold, bad food and basically anything else that could make it her sick. So I get it. Her therapist taught her how to do relaxation exercises and write out her "realistic" fears versus her "irrational" fears and it has really helped.
You may not need therapy but there are some good books out there that you might want to try.
Good luck, I hope the visit goes well and that you are able to relax and enjoy your evening out and your time with your MIL :)

6 moms found this helpful

Personally, other than the handwashing I think you are being neurotic (your word) and that all will be well. Kids need to be exposed to all kinds of things including germs. You are going to do what you are going to do but do not be surprised if she looks at you like you are "on something" and scoffs with a "give me my grandbaby" and ignores your request.

6 moms found this helpful

I would simply have some towels out for her with the offer of her freshening up after she arrives.
I have travelled quite a bit and I always want a shower to just wash the day off and refresh.
I'm not a germophobe by any means. But after a long flight, a shower can feel so wonderful.

I don't think you have to ask her to do anything. Just offer her the chance to freshen up. Have towels and things ready for her and put it in such a way that it's accommodating to HER so that she can feel rested and comfortable.
I bet she'd willingly take you up on it if you put it the right way.

Make it about HER comfort and I don't think you'll have any problems.

Just my opinion.

I dont' think exposure to germs is necessarily a bad thing. There are likely more germs in your own kitchen than she will come to you with.

Present it as a relaxation and freshening up thing for HER as opposed to your fear about your children.

Be a gracious host and I'm sure she will take you up on it.

Best wishes.

6 moms found this helpful

Hand washing... No problem

Showering, changing clothes before your baby is touched?? A bit on the OCD and paranoid side for me.

You have to let a child live freely. No fun living in a bubble. Learn to let go with baby steps. Before you know it, they'll be heading off to college and the last thing I think you want is to send kids off to college unprepared, OCD, and paranoid of normal everyday activities.

Good luck overcoming issues.

6 moms found this helpful

Since your baby is 8 weeks old, I think the rules are different. Now if you asked her to change her clothes before even giving a hug to a healthy 6 year old, that might be considered a little excessive. It's reasonable to expose kids to a certain amount of ordinary germs and dirt. And letting a healthy pre-schooler lie down for a nap without changing clothes (unless the clothes are muddy or the kids have been playing in the leaves or the creek) is probably a very normal thing. Too much antibiotic protection often has the opposite of the intended result.

However, I think that no reasonable person would have a problem with being asked to be extremely cautious around a newborn.

You could even say something like "the hospital staff cautioned us to be very vigilant about our new baby and exposure to health risks and summer viruses. So would you mind not holding him until you've changed your clothes and washed up? You know how airports and airplanes can be, and he hasn't had his immunizations yet. And then I just know you will love seeing his little smiles. He has even laughed a few times (or discovered his toes or whatever). We can't wait to see what he'll do for his grandma!!" Make it positive and make grandma a part of the plan to keep the baby healthy. Ask her to help you make sure your other kids wash their hands before touching the baby.

If you need to, just say "I'll hold him until you've had time to change" and be extremely pleasant about it but firm.

But try to relax a little about the germs. You can't block them all. And your kids will develop a healthy immune system.

5 moms found this helpful

What we always do with infants is wash our hands and place a burp cloth or lightweight baby blanket over our shoulders..

I also try never to wear perfume or hair spray when I am going to be around super new infants.

The next time you see your own physician.. I suggest you mention this OCD.. sometimes it can become worse as we mature in age.

5 moms found this helpful

clean = good... obsessive germaphobe = bad.. makes for unhappy kids, and germaphobe kids are usually sicker than non... because they are overly stressed with fear of illness which in turn weakens immune systems thus causing more illness. vicious circle. Let mom hold him. Close your eyes, then take him wash him down and change clothes. Take deep breath and when all is relaxed explain your condition with her so she is on same page

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If you offered me the chance to have a quick wash/shower and a change clothes after I arrived at your house after flying, I would thank you!! I always feel grimy after traveling. If you tell me I "have to" before holding your baby, I would not appreciate that. I think it is in how you present it. If she doesn't want a shower, then a hand wash and a receiving blanket for her to hold the baby in should be fine. Germs don't reside on clothing, they are dependent on a moist warm environment - hands, breath, sneeze or cough.

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"Oh I knew you'd want to change after your long flight, so I bought you this lovely kimono" ......or-it's alright to say that no one holds the baby without putting on fresh clothes-period. Good luck-I don't blame you!

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OK. Do you mean you really have obsessive compulsive tendencies, or are a bit of neat nick?

If it's the latter, then you need to relax. It's truly excessive and frustrating to others around you. Not only that, it's unfair. I have a friend who does things like this and it has NOTHING to do with anxiety. It has to do with control and in copious amounts.

If it's the former, then you may want to think about what is rational and what is irrational. Ask yourself, 'Would a reasonable person worry about this?' Are you experiencing feelings of stress to the point of discomfort? Are you unable to think about anything else besides your MIL handling your child after being on a 'dirty' airplane? Is your mind racing because of it? Do you have the urge to snatch up the phone and say, "Erm, you did take a shower, right?'

Now, if this is going to cause a good amount of anxiety, like I've illustrated above, then I would simply tell your mother-in-law that you are dealing with some anxiety issues, and go ahead and make your request then get some help for your anxiety. If you come off as a neurotic daughter-in-law, well, if the shoe fits, but I mean that in the nicest way possible! I have anxiety issues, so I know what it's like. Things go a lot smoother when people know my triggers. They do not get so put off by my requests when my anxiety flares up. If this is a trigger, that's OK, but you really need to understand this and start working on it, otherwise, it will crop up somewhere else about something else. Anxiety definitely tends to mushroom.

Pick which side of the coin you fall on and address it accordingly.

4 moms found this helpful

I've traveled by plane a lot and I can tell you the 3 things I always want to do the moment I walk in the front door of "home". Shower, food, sleep. Depending on how far she's coming, making a gentle suggestion of a shower and a nap before you and hubby head out might go over wonderfully. Especially if your older ones are still young and super active, a nap would a good idea for anyone. :)

It might help you to not meet her at the airport with the kids. Stay home and let hubby pick her up, have the kids down for a nap when she comes home. That will help you. "Welcome Mom! The kids are napping now, you've got some time before they wake up. Would you like shower and freshen up before they get up?"

Good luck. A little percaution is fine, especially with plane rides, but do keep an eye on yourself, if you find you're becoming more ritualistic seek help.

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Yes you are seriusly overreacting.

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yes, asking her to change clothes will make you look neurotic. I don't mean this in a hurtful way, but since you actually are neurotic, and its what you need to be comfortable, it wouldn't hurt to ask so long as you blame it on your OCD. But that all depends on the relationship you have with her and how up front you are able to be with her and if she is aware that you have some OCD issues. But if you are going to be miserable otherwise and you are okay looking neurotic, then just kindly ask for what you need and blame it on your OCD.

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Exposure to germs is a good thing. But of course how you deal with it in your own home is up to you.

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See me, I don't think it is outrageous. If the request is worded correctly - using "I" statements - I know this seems a little around the bend, but ....
The suggestions you received about offering her a chance to relax, and change into something more comfy, seem a good way to accomplish this.

I am by no means a "neat freak" but when my son was a baby (16 years ago, La!) I could not stand for people to handle him unless I knew they were "clean" - so I can relate.

But, if your compulsion with germs etal, worsens then you may need to explore it a bit. :)

Now, go wash your hands and give the baby a hug from me.

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If you do say something, just be honest, tell your MIL he hasn't had any of his vaccinations yet and your concerned that she might have came into contact with something on the plane. I don't think that sounds too unreasonable?! He is a newborn after all...*most* people wash their hands and such before holding a newborn these days...

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With the best of intentions, yes, you're going overboard just a wee bit.

Germs don't hitch rides from airplanes to clothes to then attack after 8 hours of traveling.

I would suggest either finding a college coursebook (or above) on germs. Right now it seems like you have just enough info to scare yourself silly, but not enough to realize that germs are everywhere, and largely non-malevolent.

Until then, take solace in the face that your husband survived his childhood with your MIL. In fact, the vast majority of us have survived all kinds of "germs". it'll be ok. :)

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You are totally being neurotic. You know this since you pretty much admit it in your post. Your fear of germs is way overblown. And, in the end, your kiddos are likely to be less healthy because of it. You don't want to sound like the crazy, neurotic DIL, but you are.

That said, they are your fears. If you phrase the request to your MIL as essentially, "I know I'm being crazy/paranoid/neurotic, but I have a strange and unhealthy fear of germs. I'm working on this phobia, but I'm not there yet and would appreciate it if you would change your clothes before holding our baby. Hopefully, by the time of your next visit, I'll have a better handle on my fears."

Phrasing the request this way lets your MIL know that you know the request is unreasonable, but would make you feel better. Being the neurotic DIL is not so bad if you have a bit of self awareness of it (and are hopefully trying to get better about it.) Then let your MIL make her own decision to change her clothes, or not, based on her knowledge of your fears.

And, if you're still reading, your fear about whooping cough should be much, much bigger than your fear of general "germs." If she has time before her visit, make sure your MIL has the tDAP booster. She could easily catch/carry the disease without knowing it (maybe just have a bad cough), and give it to your not-yet-vaccinated infant. This would not be a crazy-neurotic request. This would be a reasonable request.

2 moms found this helpful

I so get it. I'm the same way. I gave my visitors T-shirts to cover their clothes, and they were just coming from their houses. I am always willing to do the same for others' babies, too. If they were coming from the airport, I'd probably wait until after their showers.

My LO gets a bath in the afternoon. Between bath and bed, he goes outside and maybe even to the store or grandmother's house. Before bed, I either change his clothes or peel off the top layer to reveal the onesie underneath. I have explained to my mother and certain others that this is how I want it. They comply because they recognize that it's MY CALL, whether or not they agree that it's necessary.

Here's the thing: It's YOUR baby. YOU get to set the terms, and it's awesome that your husband supports you. It's not right or wrong, just YOUR way. (I haven't even read all the responses thus far, but I'm pretty sure that they have ripped you up for being over-protective and a helicopter mom and other mean and critical things that they can throw at you, just because you don't do it the way they think you should.)

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I agree. When I worked well baby nursery anyone coming in to hold baby in street clothes needed to wear a smock. I NEVER held a relatives baby without a clean blanket thrown across chest or shoulder. Your baby. Your rules. No the baby most likely will not catch anything from a dirty shirt but if it makes you feel better go for it.

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My thoughts are that she will have been in the same clothes for several hours by the time she gets to your house. Why not plan on going out the next night so she can have some time to acclimatize and rest.

I think that would be such a nice plan.

Otherwise make sure the baby is asleep when she gets there. Then you can suggest she go change out of those clothes and get more comfortable. Make it like you understand how tiring and how grimy she might feel.

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You need to take a microbiology class - once you really understand how little all these clothing changes and baths actually accomplish, and have the massive freakout realization that your home, no matter how much you clean it, does contain the germs that cause botulism, and plague, and gastroenteritis, and roundworms, and fungal pneumonia, and polio, and dozens of other diseases...then maybe you can start to relax a bit.

That being said, I still wash my hands a dozen times a day, and I do make sure everyone in my household gets a shower after being on commercial airliners...but I know that it is not going to make the difference if my immune system isn't working right, or if it's a virus that I have not had yet. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to change clothes, as long as you realize that it's not actually accomplishing much.

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The hand-washing seems normal, but yes, she will likely think you are quite paranoid when you ask her to change clothes. It's alright though. You're the mom. We all have our quirks. :)

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Just purchase a hospital gown and shoe covers for her...KIDDING! Maybe you could ask her to change her top since he hasn't had his shots. I think if you don't mention the shots, she will think you are nuts.

It doesn't matter how I present things to my MIL, she always thinks I am nuts. You know your MIL by now and she should know you.

This brings back memories of my newborn. My MIL, FIL, and step MIL all showed up on our first day home. I swear they tossed my little sunshine around like a football. My hormones were in such a rage.

Best wishes.

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We had lots of family fly in when my first son was around 2 months old, I didn't ask anyone to do anything different. My son never got sick or anything either. BUT, that was me, not you. So if that's what you want, then no it isn't unreasonable to ask...just think about how you'll word it so you don't come off as neurotic...maybe say, "I hate to sound neurotic, but I'm just so paranoid of germs and know you just got off a plane, would you mind changing your clothes...then I'd LOVE for you to hold her!."

1 mom found this helpful

My youngest spent a week in the NICU after he was born so I was the same way with germs and I am like you with the bath thing. The kids go to bed clean and with teh baby, I am a bit of a freak. He gets a bath in the morning b/c I think after sitting in a diaper all night he'd want to be clean and again, I like to have him clean when he goes to bed. The kids change their clothes and wash their hands when they get home from school. The kids also get vitamins every day as do we to try to stay well. I don't think its too much to ask for your MIL to change, She may want to anyways after traveling.

1 mom found this helpful

I can understand but I would only ask her to wash her hands.
I would not ask her to change her clothes.
Especially if your child is not at high risk (like a preemie just coming out of
the NICU.

Updated

I can understand but I would only ask her to wash her hands.
I would not ask her to change her clothes.
Especially if your child is not at high risk (like a preemie just coming out of
the NICU.

1 mom found this helpful

I would ask her. When she arrives, give her a quick hug--then show her to the bathroom, hand her a fresh clean towel and say --here ya go--enjoy a bath and freshen up and we would love for you to come hold the baby. GL

1 mom found this helpful

I don't think your crazy. When ALL of kids were born we didn't take our "newborn" out anywhere expect doctor's appointments. We waited til that first month when they needed that shot and then we went off places. We clean our other children hands alot because we didn't want to get their sibling sick. I know you can control everything but thats what we feel better of doing at the time.

On the other hand my half brother was a baby and everytime they visited my stepdad's mom house he ALWAYS got sick. She worked at a daycare and been around sick kids and never change her clothes nor wash her hands. He was a few months old and got a BAD case of RSV and was admitted to hospital. Finally my mom put two and two together and reliazed he was getting sick everytime when they visited her. So what they did was they waited on the days she was off and brought him to visited and he never got sick anymore. I guess my mom wasn't a "clean freak" when it came to germs and etc. But now she is!!! She always freaks out on things and wash her hands all the time.

Do what yall feel is best for yall. It's your kids and if people don't like it oh well. ;) People don't like how me and my husband probably did things or do but its our kids not theirs.

Best wishes!! :)

1 mom found this helpful

I don't think it's unreasonable. It's all in how you approach and discuss it with her. And, in advance, would probably be best, so as to not spring it on her.

I think it's funny, how people worry about different things. My mom is a total germ freak. She carries hand sanitizer around and everytime we go in a store she makes us all sanitize our hands as soon as we get to the car.

BUT, she has her cat visiting with her right now and the cat is walking all over my counter and sitting on it and she doesn't think this is a big deal at all. I actually said yesterday "am I the only person who thinks it's gross that the cats butt is on the counter where we prepare our food?!" LOL

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I don't think its strange at all. I would want her to at least change her top, if not shower. I also feel like most people would want to change or shower after a flight anyway, so you may not even have to say anything to her. If you do end up choosing to say something though, I would have your husband do it. That way if she is offended, its by her son not her DIL.

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I think its great that you clean them up and change close before they get into their bed (naps or bedtime)... We really do leave so many germs and stuff behind on sheets its gross. I don't think you are wrong at all in asking your MIL to change her clothes, specifically for the reason you said... that germy plane. I'm sure she will understand.

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I think you're being overly cautious, but you probably won't enjoy your evening out with your husband if your MIL doesn't change her clothes and de-germify herself. How about you have your husband call her before she leaves for her visit and say, "Look mom, wifey knows she's being a little paranoid about germs, but we would really appreciate it if you would change your clothes before handling the newborn. It would make us feel so much better about germs since the wee baby is so young."

Have husband offer to throw her clothes in the wash with the rest of your laundry before you go out to dinner so you know she's not going to wear those clothes again before they are clean.

Most people cut moms of newborns some slack when it comes to germs and safety. I'm sure your MIL won't mind your simple request.

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Really, there is a lot of stuff in the airplane air, and have you ever noticed how weird someone's clothes smells when they get off an airplane? Do you want your baby to smell like that?
And you would be exposing your baby to a few germy extras if MIL starts hugging him in clothes she was wearing on the airplane, I have a masters in public health, and airplanes are notoriously germy.
But babies actually have stronger immune systems than we think, so don't get too freaked out.

At the same time though, I believe your concerns are valid, and really, you just need to talk to your MIL in advance, explain your concerns and why you have them, and how you'd just feel so much better about everything if she can shower and change her clothes before holding the baby, laugh a little at yourself, because it is a little OCD, but we are supposed to be a little OCD when we have newborns! It's a natural survival / mommy protector instinct.
Hopefully she'll take it well. My MIL is great, and would do it in a heartbeat, but my own mom is a stubborn mule and would get offended and think I was being ridiculous. I hope it goes well for you.

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Just blame it on the fact that he hasn't been vaccinated yet and whooping cough is making a come back.

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i think the fact you're going to wake your baby up to bathe him when you get back says it all=)

I think you need to breathe. Shes going to want to come right in and scoop that baby up. Start looking foward to your night out and stop concetrating on the one person who may cough on her on the plane. If anything jsut ak if shes around smokers to change her shirt and blame it on your ocd. Admit you're a tad crazy and people are more willing to cooperate and feel sympathy for you. Gosh I remember aunts laughing when I tried to sanitize hands when my daughter was 2 weeks...I think they would throw M. in a loony bin if I asked them to change clothes
ALTHOUGH my mom would when she came from work because she worked at a nursing home and smoked and said she was covered in bodily fluids and so on. Her idea and it worked when she was coming from work