Am I a Bad Mom for Feeling like This?

I have felt and feel the same way you do, exactly. I think part of it is very normal. The other part of it is we have allowed our kids to whine and fight and we can't take it anymore; but we haven't done anything to change it either. So it is a little of both. My husband and I recently had this same conversation. We have allowed it to go on for too long and we will have to revisit our discipline focus. For a short while - a couple of weeks - focus all attention on what it is that is wearying you. Are they whining? Are they fighting? Are they just not helping out with things in the house? Pick one or two and focus on fixing it. Kids will wear you out no matter what. And I believe kids should be allowed to behave like kids. But, I also believe we have to teach them how to behave for the good of the family - the whole family. So, focus all energy for a while on teaching them to change - at least for the most part - what it is that is bothering you. My friend took my kids for about 5 days because I had never been away from the that long. I could have used another week and then I think I would have missed them. I didn't even miss them that whole time. It's because it was needed time away from them. There's nothing wrong in that! You're not a bad mom because you need down time or you realize that you have let some things get out of hand and it is wearing you down. Be glad you had the down time. Choose what needs to be addressed first. Have a chat with the kids with the new expectations. And do your best to be consistent. This is what I am going to have to do as well. We have already started implementing some new things and they are working surprisingly well. And I have already noticed less stress on my part. So, I plan to focus on some other areas soon. (You don't want to do too much at one time.) You just need to make sure you get some more down time - short intervals to keep you sane. :-) But, you also need to reexamine what it is exactly that you need to help relieve some of the stress.

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Hi S.... You are NOT a bad mom for feeling like this. I repeat - you are NOT a bad mother! We've all been where you are. Any woman who says that they've never felt this way is either lying or had a charmed life.

It sounds to me like your emotional banks are depleted. Imagine your life as a bank. If you only withdraw money from your bank account, sooner or later the well runs dry and there is nothing left to withdraw. As women, we often give and give and fail to replenish ourselves. It sounds as if you need some recharge time and regular, separate "mommy" adult time without the children. Believe it or not, if you take care of your needs, you'll be a better mother and wife and certainly more balanced and happier in the long run.

If you can afford it, I'd try putting the 3 year old in a mother's morning out program 2 days a week to give you some time and space. Use that time to recharge you whether it's by cleaning the house without a child underfoot, taking a yoga or drawing class, etc. If there is something you did pre-children (did you draw, paint, run?) that you quit after the children came along, then go back and reconnect with that. In other words, make time for you and your needs too. Every week, (yes EVERY WEEK) do something nice to yourself and try to have some time and space for you.

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I am a SAHM to three children, ages 12, 10 and 5. I also feel like you do some of the time. I have found that I do better with shorter breaks more frequently. So, instead of getting away for a few days with my husband once a year, and having that be my ONLY break, I try and arrange date nights a couple of times a month. Nothing super-expensive, perhaps just dinner at a casual restaurant, or a movie. I don't like how I feel when we only manage to get away just the two of us 'once in a blue moon'...it was almost like I felt MORE burned out having that tiny bit of time away than I did if I never went away! Also, if your husband or 17 year old are up for it, it would be nice for you to get out and do some things on your own for a couple of hours once or twice a week. Again, nothing super expensive...even if you can just go to the grocery store or other errands alone, it will give you time to re-energize. I know it's hard, and there are no quick and easy solutions, but I just wanted you to know that I think what you're feeling is normal and you just need to try and arrange some no-kids time on a REGULAR and consistent basis. Good luck!

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You are doing nothing wrong! Make sure you are eating right and getting some therapeutic exercise. Find a walking buddy or get some good exercise DVDs. Make sure you are getting enough B vitamins. It is surprising how much our diet affects our moods.

I assume all your kids, except the youngest, are in school all day? Put the youngest in a Mother's Day Out and take some time for yourself. See a therapist if you have to. I am right there with you. Kids are so draining and if our minds are not in the right place, it is all the more difficult.

Make things easier on yourself by making a schedule for everyone ad sticking to it. That includes morning activities and afternoon ones as well. It will be hard to implement at first, but it very well may make you family run smoother so that you can take a deep breath every now and again.

I like to wake up at least 30 mins before everyone else so that I can collect myself before I have to be Mom.

Good Luck to you!

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S.,

No, you aren't a bad Mom. I also have 4 kids and look forward to the "Empty Nest" days. The reason you are wiped out is that you aren't taking any time for yourself. Also, you are looking at raising the kids as work. You need to find things you can do with them that is also fun for you. Have you discussed with your Husband how you feel? He needs to know that you need a break once in a while. Many SAHM's give each other a break by trading a few hours a week so that one of you can have at least 3 hours of "Me" time. Get a pedicure, nails done, or a massage or just go out to lunch with a friend during that time. Or, better yet, sign up for an adult-ed class that meets a couple of evenings a week and have your Husband relieve you on those nights. You will feel better and more satisfied if you are doing something to improve yourself and you can share what you've learned with your children. It can be an art class or whatever you have an interest in. It will also show your children that you are never too old to learn. By the way, what about the 17-year-old helping out too?

Most towns have a craft store that has evening classes. You could learn to sew, make crafts, paint oil or watercolor, etc. It's good therapy to do crafts. It will also give you the oportunity to visit with other moms and make some new friends. If the only people we interact with are our children, we get stale and boring. Believe me, I remember all the discussions with other Moms discussing the births, feeding, accomplishments, etc. of our children and after a while, it gets old. It is good that you realize that you need more. Now, do something about it. Your children and your husband will also learn to appreciate you more. It isn't selfish. Don't give up everything you love because you have to do everything for your family. That is how we women "lose our identity". It happens so gradually that you don't even know what you like anymore. Take time to rediscover your talents. You need to replenish the well once in a while. I found that going to church is a great way to deal with your feelings. The kids will be in the Kids Church and you and your Husband can learn about God's love together. It is also a good place for your children to learn some possitive values. In times of trouble, the Lord is always there for you and will guide you if you just ask and listen. Don't try to do everything on your own. If Mama ain't happy...ain't nobody happy. Remember that. Also, I noticed that the thing that makes me truly happy is when I am helping someone else. There are so many hurting people out there who have no one and you and your children could really make a difference.

Many years ago, I volunteered to do puppet shows for our local library. My children participated. It was so much fun. I made many of my puppets, wrote the scrips (mostly from stories in children's books), and got friends together to record the voices (different voices make it more interesting) and let some of the children who showed up actually work the puppets. They loved it. I built up a following of about 60 two - four-year-olds. One story was a Sesame Street Book about Donald, the Dreadful Dragon and the Duke of Dundeedle. It was a blast. I hope you find your gift. Bless you.

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S., you are a normal hardworking patient awesome Mom!
I feel exactly the way you do - some days I just want the kids to go away for a long, long time so I can have my own life. I think it partly has to do with being 30-something, and also partly always putting everyone else's needs before your own.
Make "Mom time" a priority. It has to be at least an hour, at least once a week. More often is best!!! Do what you want to do; not what you <should> do or what you <need> to do. It may take you a while to discover what you <want> to do (I am still working on that part myself). Laundry, cleaning, and grocery shopping are not allowed during Mom Time.
A great idea is to meet up with friends regularly. Even a play group with your toddler can help you connect with other moms and get some kid-relief (she'll be playing with new friends and you will too). The bonus is that your kids will see you not just as Mom, but as a strong person with her own needs and wants. It's good for them to see that Moms just don't cater to their kids - they have their own life too.
If you continue feeling burned out, and you're consistently getting angry or feeling sad, please consider talking to someone (friend, clergy, therapist). Even "normal" people have humps in their life they need help getting over.
Onward and upward! Hang in there, you are doing great :-)

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S., You have already received very good advice and I don't want to repeat it. The thing I would add is, unfortunately, stay at home moms don't get enough respect in this society but don't let anyone make you feel that what you are doing is not worth while. You have the most important job because no one will love your kids and give them what they need better than you. If you take this to heart you will get more satisfaction that what you are doing even though it seems tedious at times is very important. So take pride in your job. You might also think about finding a women's Bible study. Child care is usually free.

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Listen. We all go through this at one time or another. I know for me it has been a struggle to feel connected and have a support group to vent, laugh, cry, learn and encourage eachother. I can suggest this; GET CONNECTED!!!!
Find a local MOPS group or a MOMS group through www.meetup.com and find time where you can learn from other women how they handle tough times.
Sounds like you need "me" time too! Maybe get up a half hour before anyone else does and soak in a bath or read your favorite magazine or sip on a cup of hot tea! JUST half hour to rejuvinate--- it's soooo worth it!
Make time for you. Nobody else will.. Just do it!
I'm not an expert but I certainly know that moms are expected to be super extraordinary= we are humans and have needs too.
How can I ask God to bless you today? Really. Let me know.

Pelucha

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I don't know about you but I feel better now that I've read these other responses. I'm a 51 year old widow with a 12 year old and I'm almost always very happy to return to work on Monday after what seems to be a never-ending battle of wills over the weekend.
I think if more moms told the truth you'd find that a huge percentage feel burned out at least some of the time. Personally, for me it's most of the time.
Kisses to all the responders that made me feel normal!

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I think you are completely normal. Kids take advantage of us, often do not do what they are told and we are under appreciated. Is it any wonder we feel this way? I stayed home for 2.5 years with my last two, I am back at work full time now. Honestly I prefer to work. Sure the house isn't very clean things are not perfect but for my sanity this is best. I am now divorced and the boys go to their Dads for the month of July and let me tell you they are my life but when July comes I saver every bit of it. I will go pick them up once a week for a visit sometimes more I get my fill and return them. The quiet house, the relaxed days oh me oh my what a joy it is! I have quized several Moms and I am not alone, so I know you are not either. My boys are 20, 12 & 10. I also helped raise my stepson who is 19 now.

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S.,

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT feel bad. It is natural to feel the way you do. My goodness, you have 4 kids, I mean, I have one and I need a break. You see, S., what happens is that we are part of a patriarchal society and therefore certain expectations put on us by a male dominated society (not man bashing.) While men have evolved and have come a long way, the structure they set up is still around. Most of us have been raised on it, so of course, it feels odd to want to stray from the expectations society puts on us as women, mothers. We should be devoted and never complain. Easier said than done, that is why they (men) say it and don't do it. Although, for the record, they (men) are doing it now and are more evolved than ever. So what does that mean? We have to evolved, as well. In other words, we have to be okay with not falling in line with the old rules of expected behavior. We have to understand that things are changing an that it is okay to change with them. By no means, is it a pass to abandon our obligations as mothers, but rather it is okay for us to feel sometimes that our responsibilities may be too much, take a breather, regroup and NOT feel guilty about it. So you are fine, we are harder on ourselves than anyone else, so it is perfectly normal to feel the way you do. Just know that it alright to feel the way you do. Feeling guilty about it just makes it worse. Do what you are doing... share it with your spouse and a trusted friend, regroup and know that our children are a blessing. I mean after all, we would die out w/out them! HAHAHAHA

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In all fairness - you are a young mom yourself. Doesn't matter that you've been doing this for a while - your chronological age is the thing here. No wonder you are overwhelmed with a teen ager and then two in grade school and toddler, although I bet your 3 year old doesn't see themselves that way :-).
I don't know if you have outside support groups, ie: local church, mother's day out or any of the large variety of groups associated with mothers of young children. Even though you've been doing this a while, you could still use the comradery of other moms in similar situations and and hugs from those who've been where you are and survived.
I do applaud you for staying with your children and think a regular mother's day out for you for a while would be a life saver.
Let us know what you decide and if it helps.

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The way you are feeling is normal. After all, you have your hands full, not to mention you are taking care of two of the most stressful ages: toddlers and teens! I sometimes get burned out just caring for my toddler! Every day do something for yourself. While your 3-year-old naps, read a book, do some yoga, get a manicure, take a bubble bath. Also, I just discoverd a neat web site that helps you organize and plan your days/weeks/menus. Sometimes having a plan helps you feel less stressed and gets you motivated and energized. Check out simplemom.net. There are downloads for daily and weekly planners, as well as menu plans and recipes. Finally, it sounds like the getaway with your husband was wonderful. I know it is hard to get away for 5 days, but maybe you could plan for something like that once a month, whether it is just a weekend, overnight or even just a dinner and movie. I hope I could help a little!!!

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Well I think it is normal! You have four kids and one of them is a toddler;) I have only one toddler with one on the way and get burned out!! I do think that because it sounds like you started young that can contribute as well. But I will tell you that when you wait to start until you are 30 like I did then you go through the massive culture shock of your life not belonging to you bc you were an adult free to come and go for years before the kids showed up! I think that motherhood just has it's ups and downs. I also think that feeling burn out right after a trip is pretty norm too. You know just like when I used to work out of the home, after a vacation I would just realize all the work that was piled up and it was about a week or so before I was back in the swing, well being at home and taking care of kids is a job too and functions much in the same way. While mom's away things pile up! Even the kids emotions, they seem to pull on you more after being away because they didn't have you there. So coming off vacation can be rough whether you are working in an office or in a kitchen;) I say just hang in there. I am sure mom's of multiple kids will have lots of good advice for you. But my vote is that you are not a bad mom at all, just a normal one!!

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Hi S.,

I am a SAHM to a 2 1/2 year old girl and I feel like this alot also. Don't feel bad for enjoying time to your self. You have been a mom for a very long time and your children are lucky they have a mom who wants her children to be number one in her life. Everytime you start to feel this way take a break and just think how lucky you are that you have been blessed with 4 children.

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Jen said it very well. You have been a mom for more than half of your life! Your 17 year old is now the age you were when you had him? Imagine him being as responsible as you needed to be and never to really ever be able to have time to yourself. Being married is also a full time job in its own way.

Maybe you need to start asking for more help and more time off. You deserve it. Is your eldest going to graduate in the spring or will he be a senior the following? That can being on lots of stress to a household also, so you will need to make sure you are emotionally ready for that.

Maybe you need to set up some new behavior expectations. Some new chore responsibilities and a once a month 2 days off for mom.

Maybe start a "lunch bunch" where you go to a grown up lunch with friends and DO NOT TALK about mom things. I have been in a lunch group for 5 years and none of them even has children.

Go to a grown up movie with your husband once a month.. NOTHING ANIMATED.

You can do all of this by including your husband and the kids to assist. Make a list of what has to get done every day, every week and every month and then ask who is going to be responsible for each job.

Figure out some short cuts.. for laundry, meals, cleaning the house and appts. Then see what you can do about transportation to schools. Having kids in different schools can be stressful. All of those after school activities can also stress out a family so maybe make some decisions about all of that.

No you are not a bad mom. You are an amazing mom. You have put your family first. What you have forgotten to do is to take care of yourself. You deserve and need this time. You can make it happen.

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You have just hit a brick wall. If possible, place your 3 year old in a 2 day a week Mother's Day out program so you have a couple of days for you. However, use one day just to relax and have fun and use the other day to get or stay organized . The more organized and ahead of the game you are with your children's school work and activities the more you will enjoy your family. If there is a great deal if fighting and arguing it becomes very difficult to enjoy parenting. Find time one on one with each child each day even if it's only about 15 minutes.
The one on one time helps you meet your children where they are and better understand their needs.

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Do you have a life outside the house? Are you involved in things at school or at church? Do you do any volunteer work at all? Put that 3 year old in day-care a couple of days a week and get out and do something.

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No, you're not a bad mom. Hey, I was only able to stay home for 2 years before, emotionally, I had to go to work. It was affordable with only one child in daycare, but we're going to overlap with 2 for a short time before 1 starts kg -- yikes!

Anyway, after so many years of being a SAHM, your weekend of adult time may simply not have been enough. Others have mentioned a mother's day out program, or working part time while the 3-year-old is in part-time preschool. Those might be what you need. Or, you can see what the Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) schedules are in your area. Some have daytime meetings and they always have childcare. Seeing other adults regularly (not just at the occasional playdate) may bring you right out of your burnout. Good luck!

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I think you are a NORMAL M.. We've all been there (or will be at some point). When it hit me, I had 3 preschoolers, my husband "helped" by hiring a neighborhood teenager to babysit once a week. That girl was amazing, cleaning house as she babysat. I would recommend you call a local church and ask for such a teen, or two- one to babysit and the other to clean house at another time. I had to let housework go (I was trying to be Supermom). I went bowling once a week, which is when I had the babysitter. That gave me a chance for some exercise and adult conversation. As another post suggested, the occasional delivery meal really helped too. We had take-out every Friday for years. I mainly had to let go of my guilt (wherever in the world that comes from)-- it IS OK for a stay-at-home M. to NOT cook a meal, to NOT keep up with the laundry (I shoved towels in the cabinet, clean but unfolded), and to have some time for yourself. Although at the time I thought it would never end, those times are only a memory now.

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No you're not a bad mom!!! As moms we have a tendency to make everything about our kids and our family and don't leave anything left for ourselves - this in turn leaves us burned out as moms. What it means is that you need to take time out for yourself MORE OFTEN. I have a ONE 6 year old (not four children) son and it took me 16 years to get pregnant w/him and while I love him more than anything else in the world, sometimes I just DON'T feel like being his mommy. It's perfectly natural! And by showing your children that you're important enough to take time out for yourself shows them that it's healthy to have fun and relax.

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Hello S. I wanted to tell you that it's normal to feel the way you feel. You have 4 children and their ages aren't easy. I have a 15 yo, 14 yo, 6yo and 4yo. I know exactly how you feel, but my ways of dealing is I have let go of the fact that I am not super mom and that my house will NOT be clean 24-7 or everyones laundry isn't always done. Sometimes take-out it is. Most of all enjoy your babies and your older one's bc life is short and their only children once. Express your frudtrations with your husband and ask for some help when you need it. Good Luck

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Hey S....you have lots to read -good work and don't forget that mixing up your routine might not be a bad idea. Sometimes a change is all you need. Maybe you can find a mom to swap days with so you can eat lunch with hubby or just have a no kids grocery shop day. I feel this way alot and it is just my 3 yr old- so I make sure to change it up.

-S.

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Maybe you should look into daycare or something to that note at least one day a week to just relax and have mommy time. It sounds like most of them go to school during the day, so it shouldn't be that bad. I will say that when you go on vacation, it's hard to go home no matter what the situation.

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First, you are not a bad Mom. If you have been feeling this way since you are 16 years old & that was pre-kids; the symptoms you are describing are similar to depression. Depression is very real, even if the depression is mild. Go to your physician and lay all the info on the table with them. They can perform tests to rule out anything physical or medical. If it is depression, there are medications you can use and some are very mild. If it is not depression, perhaps you are trying to do too much. WOMEN ARE NOT SUPERWOMEN, YOU KNOW.

If your life is constantly with the 3 year old and then the other kids come home from school and one of them is a teenager then YOU HAVE TOO MUCH STRESS. Be sure that you take time for yourself daily. Get the 17 year old to watch the 3 year old and meditate; take a long, hot bath; exercise or do something that YOU enjoy at least once every other day.

Enlist the aid of your husband - they are HIS kids too. Get the kids to each do chores around the house to help you. This is NOT a lack of discipline and you are not a bad Mom. Know that there is not one Mom on this forum who has not felt worn out! Do you have a good group of friends - or anyone - whom you can talk too? Any girlfriends to just go out and eat with or a movie? Do you & your hubby have a special night just for you all? Don't always impose on the 17 year old - they need a life too; but so do you. You don't just live for your children when they come along - you have to continue to live & function too; because they won't always be there, they grow up real fast. Lots of Luck. GJK

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You're not a bad mom for feeling this way....you have 4 kids to take care of.

With the exception of the 3yo, all of your kids are in school and your 3yo will be eligable for school soon. Is it possible for you to work PT, either from the home or outside of the home in order to give yourself a break from kids, kids and more kids. What you might be craving is stimulation on an adult level vs a kid level.

You might want to sit and reflect and ask yourself - what do YOU want to do. Work outside of the home, go to school for some sort of training, etc.

Don't beat yourself up - do something for yourself. In the long run you'll feel better about yourself.

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I think you are perfectly normal! I am a first time mom, but I can understand.

Everyone's responses are really good and helpful.

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Sounds like you need to find a part time job or something that gets you away from the kids part of the week. Being a stay at home mom is one of the hardest jobs in the world (might be why I am a working mom). Find a job or activity that is for you only. It will give you something to look forward too. If it is only an hour a week that is one hour for you to look forward too. Love you little ones but love yourself.

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It always seems to be refreshing to get away from the kids for awhile and we need to do it for our marriages' sakes, but oh how hard it is to get back to work! If you worked in an office it would be like going back to answering phones after going on a cruise. :) Who wants to do that!

The mommy guilt comes in because, just as you said you love them so much and know you shouldn't feel this way, but miss the freedom of just having one person to care for, "you."

Taking some time for self, might be one way of handling this as some others have pointed out.

But another way of dealing with this may be to lose yourself in your children in simple ways...taking time to read to them, cook with them, enjoy a board game or movie, or something you like doing and including them in, and smiling into their faces with joy after seeing their antics.

Ease back in to that nurturing role by reconnecting with their hearts and it will help prevent you from burning out...Take a break from just being the adult disciplinarian and housekeeping help to being the mom you desire to be.

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Hi S.,
YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM!!!! You have four children and it is exhausting! Maybe you should go through baby books or something of that nature to make you remember why you love your kiddos so much ;). Having kids at 16 probably does have a great deal to do with your being burnt out. My Mom had me at 15, and she frequently feels this way. You lost out on your own childhood to raise a baby and I think it is totally natural for you to be tired of whinning and complaining off your kiddos. One thing I can say, try not to let your kids hear you talk about resenting them right now. It will hurt their feelings and it is not their fault that you are tired of being a mom. We stay at home moms are just like anyone else with a full time job, teachers get sick of teaching, doctors get sick of doctoring, nurses get sick of nursing....Mommy's get tired too so you have nothing to feel guilty about!
Jess

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You are not a bad mom. I find it interesting that I do the same thing. I feel bad about feeling burned out on the job of being Mom when I was allowed to feel burned out on other jobs I have had. I also think it is normal for you to feel so overwhelmed shortly after you came back from a wonderful vacation with your husband. I remember feeling that often too. Your body just has to re-adjust to the tasks you need to do daily now. It is always hard coming back from vacation. Give yourself a little time.

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Another mom recently confided in me her dream vacation- check into a hotel by herself without kids, sleep in, and just veg by the pool for a couple days. Sounds good to me, I'm ready to sign up!

Is your youngest in Mother's Day Out? Putting mine in school for a couple days a week gives me a much needed break.

Being a mom is hard, cut yourself some slack! Don't be afraid to schedule a break for yourself when your husband is home, even if it is just to go to the bookstore or get a pedicure. Connecting with other stay at home moms can help too.

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If you have not told your family Dr. about this please do so right away. There are alot of things that can cause this problem.Your Dr. should be able to help you. One thing that I did with my husband was to have one day aweek that we did something together. He in turn had one day a week that he spent with each child doing something that they wanted. My husband is gone now but that is one of the most important memories that my children have of their father.

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I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Mom's get burnt out and way faster because it's a 24/7 job not a 9-5. Any chance you live near Pearland/Friendswood? Come to roller derby practice, Mon 8-9. I've been doing it for a few months now, I'm not good at all but I am getting better, and it's a great outlet. A bunch of women of all shapes, sizes and ages get together for a couple of hours of relaxation on wheels. ;) It's not for everyone, but I LOVE it!

If you aren't close to us (www.southsiderollerderby.com), just google 'roller derby; your city' and if you're near a major city, chances are there is a derby league.

And if you think derby's not for you, take a no thank you bite before you say you won't eat anymore! ;) You need an outlet, I felt the same way before I got involved.

In Him,
T.