Almost Four Year Old Daughter Worried About Mama's Hospital Stay with New Baby

She likely has fear of the unknown and this is the one tangible thing where she can focus her attention. I have three daughters and there are a few things that we did to help the older siblings feel like they were a part of the experience. I got them big sister t-shirts that they wore to the hospital to see the baby for the first time. I also got them gifts that were "from the baby" and gave the gifts on their first visit. With my second child, I gave the first a baby doll that looked like a newborn complete with a hospital bracelet. She mimicked me taking care of the new baby with her new baby. I also asked the nurses if she could have a bracelet. They made one for her loose enough that she could get if off and put it back on. My oldest has a security blanket and I made sure that it was with her on her hospital visits. I also made sure the baby was not in my hands when big sister first entered the room. My older daughter got in bed with me and then someone handed us the baby. Give her "big girl" jobs like introducing the baby to the grandparents, etc. Talk to the baby out loud in front of your daughter and tell the baby how lucky she is to have such a great big sister, etc. Lay it on thick - they love that. Don't waste too much energy worring about it before hand. Be prepared and take one situation at a time when the time comes. Maybe when she leaves the hospital, a grandparent can take her somewhere special before she goes home. Good luck!

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I'm wondering how we'll do with a second child, too, since our second son will be born next Tuesday. Our oldest turns 18 months on Sunday. I figure he's too young to understand much of anything about what's going on, so we've been making very gradual changes, like putting him in a booster instead of a high chair, and moving furniture, and such. I bought him a baby doll last fall so he could have a "baby" of his own when brother comes, and he's had fun pointing to facial features and hugging and kissing his baby. (I wonder what will happen when he tries to make brother "dance," though.) We'll have family to stay with him while I'm in the hospital (I need to have a C-section), and family to help once I'm home, and I've been making some file folder games for him to play with, that he won't see until his Aunt comes, so he'll have something new to distract him.

As for fears, well, I've read that it's generally good with toddlers, etc., to validate the fear, to put it into words and let them know it's okay to feel worried, but also to show that you are in control of yourself and therefore the situation, and that should reassure the kid. She may be worried that you're in the hospital for a bad reason, since usually people only go to the hospital because they're very sick. So, if she likes her pediatrician, for example, you could reassure her that your doctor will take great care of you and that you're in the hospital to stay healthy and safe, and not because something bad is happening. And if she can visit you in the hospital, so much the better!

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my daughter was the exact same age, same birthday month, same month our son was born! the hospital here let us borrow a little fold out bed and macey was able to stay overnight with us. it was wonderful and such a special time. even if you just let her stay one night, maybe daddy or grandma could stay too. my children are so bonded to each other and i think letting them stay in the hospital with us (we had another baby 1 year ago and macey 6, dylan 2 overnighted in the hospital room with us) it was a little crowded, but this kept them from feeling left out. wishing you the best!

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I know it is worrisome, but try to relax. My son refused to give me a hug or even talk to me when I had my daughter and he came to the hospital. It broke my heart! Oh I cried...but he got over it and so did I. I just got out of the bed and got on the floor with him and kept acting like nothing was wrong and eventually he warmed up to me again. Your daughter just needs some time to get used to the idea of you being away with the new baby. And your promise of some alone time with her was right on! Take a deep breath...

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My daughter was almost 3-1/2 when my son was born. She seemed a little aprehensive about my hospital stay, but didn't seem like it was a big deal. I was surprised when her grandparents brought her to the hospital the 1st time and she looked really scared and teary-eyed. I just had her climb up in the bed with me to snuggle before we even introduced her to the baby. Once she found out that there was unlimited juice and snacks in the hospital fridge, she was totally fine! The next day, she ran into my room excited and sent her daddy for her juice. Just make sure she has some fun activities planned with her grandparents to keep her busy and keep her mind off your absence. Good luck!

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I was concerned when I had my 2nd that the 1st would be jealous. Before the birth I got little gifts for the older sister and packed them in the hospital bag. When Mia came to visit each day, there was a small little gift for her. I tried to get things that would also occupy her while she was visiting, like a new coloring book and crayons. I made a huge deal of the big sister thing and Mia and Emma are close to this very day.

At three, your child is not really equipped to express her feelings and fears about all this. The problem might not be the hospital stay, she can just express that concern and latch onto it since you understand and respond to her concern. Be really enthusiastic about her being a big sister. Comfort her and baby her and make her feel secure in the coming months and just get through it... she'll get through it too, I promise.

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I just went through this in July! My daughter is the same age as yours and it is normal for separation anxiety to resurface again at 4 (especially with the new baby issue). My DD stayed with grandparents from out-of-town, too. We just talked about it often, let her see that we were excited, made sure she knew that she would come and see me in the hospital, etc.

We also totally bribed her with some of her favorite things - like Grandpa taking her to McDonald's for lunch and play time, lunch at Cracker Barrel with Grandma and Grandpa. They arrived a few days early and started taking over the bedtime routine so by the time I went into the hospital, that was normal, too.

I also stocked in several gifts (mostly small and a couple medium) and my mom and dad would give her one each day that I wasn't home (or use it to distract her if she was upset). These also gave her something to do when she visited at the hospital.

The big thing I think is to talk about it a lot and be excited about the baby. Explain why you and baby have to stay (so doctors can watch baby) but act like the hospital's no big deal. We explained about Daddy staying with mommy to help and that we did the same thing when she was born, too. My DD was nervous but it turned out fine. She had a blast w/ grandma and grandpa! They ate out, went for donuts, went to McD's - you name it ,they did it!

My parents really understood that we needed them to care for my oldest and they visited every day just once, and then devoted themselves to caring for her. They were awesome. especially since my oldest had pneumonia at the time! Yes, right before baby was due my 4 y.o. developed pneumonia and had to wear a mask to meet baby. That was hard but we all made it through - so will you! If your oldest is in school or Mommy's Day Out, I'd skip it for a few days before baby is born. Have some special time with her and minimize the chance she'll get sick right before. Trust me - it's not worth the risk of getting sick!

As for keeping you daughter with you in the room, that's a personal choice but I would advise getting as much rest as you can. AND taking this time to bond with new baby. I didn't want my daughter to see all the nurse checks of my incision, etc. She came, she saw baby, she laid next to me and I loved on her. Then she went home to her comfort zone and played and slept while I marveled at my new baby and slept!

Things will get crazy the moment you get home, so remember, your daughter knows you love her. She's with people she loves and trusts. Take this time to heal and stock up on sleep, and to devote all you have to the new tiny person in your life. Those first moments go so quickly - there is nothing wrong with having that time for the three of you (Daddy, too). Your daughter will be fine!!!

Good luck and congrats! Don't worry too much - she'll survive and won't be scarred for life (even if she doesn't handle it very well).
Hang in there!!!

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Have you considered a homebirth with a midwife? The statistics are even better than hospital birth (unless it's a high risk pregnancy). See: http://www.cfmidwifery.org/pdf/CPM2000.pdf or
http://www.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/330/7505/1416ee
Then you wouldn't have to worry about her having a come-apart. She could go in the next room with Grandma, or come in and out while you're in labor and know you're ok!

I agree with Chris. Allow her to be there as much as possible, but remember most stays are now only 24 hrs after birth and you WILL need your rest!

Luckily March is still a while away . . .keep talking about it, tell her stories about "another mommy" that went to the hospital to have her baby and how the little sister had fun with grandparents, visited mommy at the hospital, etc.. until she gets more used to the idea.

Does she have a reason to fear the hospital? Have you recently been visiting someone sick at the hospital? or nursing home? Perhaps she is associating that with your hospitalization?

When my daughter was young, I had to be hospitalized for emergency surgery, and had to stay for a few days.
She was worried because she was old enough to understand that people go to hospitals when they're really sick. All the machinery and equipment in hospitals freaked her out a bit as well.
She stayed with my folks, and they brought her to see me every day so that she could see for herself that I was going to be okay.
Her fear and concerns are perfectly normal, especially if she's not used to being away from you unless it's for something fun like a sleepover with her grandparents, and I'm glad to see that you're not just brushing it off and expecting her to "get over it."
Keep telling her when she gets upset that it's going to be okay, that the doctor just wants to make sure that you and the new baby are okay after she's born, and make sure that your husband brings her to see you.

You must visualize the outcome you want- over and over.

You will attract what you fear.

Also, I wouldn't worry about this too much. My son broke down in the hospital when the second son was born. The older one was turning 4 the next month. Anyway, he was bawling and sobbing because he "wanted a sister". Grandma had to take him home. Afterwards he never mentioned it again and just loves his brother. I think your daughter will 'forget' all about it and you will be surprised that you were so worried. But seriously- visualize the outcome you want and you will have it.
M

let her come to the birth? or if you aren't comfortable with her in the room, have someone stay at the hospital wating area with her, letting her come in and check on you whenever she feels like she needs to. also, unless you have a csection, you don't really need to be in the hospital at all. why not just go home after the birth? there is absolutely no reason to be there for two whole days, if everyone is healthy. just wait an hour or two to make sure your bleeding has stopped and head out. it's easier, really to be comfortable at home. you heal better, sleep better, and everyone can start adjusting sooner.

I had this same issue with my 3 and 5 year olds when I told them about being pregnant. We had to discuss this every night at bed time that mommy would be going to have a baby at the hospital and stay over night 2 nights (they knew this from their friend's mom just having a baby). They were afraid of the new baby hurting mommy too when coming out of the tummy. After many repetative converstations about this I went into the hospital. I think it helped them that when baby sister came into this world SHE brought them each a new gift which was special to them. I ended up only staying in the hospital one night (NOT because of their concerns) but because there was a child who cried ALL night the first night and I did not want a second night of the crying. - I guess just keep reminding her of all the fun she will have with the grandparents and maybe a special gift from the baby to her - good luck.

Get a button or t-shirt that says she is the big sister. Make that the focus instead of the hospital stay. Don't let her worry about mama being in the hospital be over whelming. When I was having my 2nd child my oldest was 3. I got a teddy bear for her and we play like we were daipering and feeding the bear and we talked about what to expected and when the day came she took the bear with us and grandparents watched over her. She was worried about the hospital stay but she got through it by letting her visit if she promised no crying when she had to go. The main thing is don't leave her out make her feel still very important to you and very much loved. Because the new baby gettes lots of attention. Just love her the way you always have.

My oldest DS was 4 and half when his little brother was born. I had him stay at the hospital with my husband and I through all of the labor(that included through the night). Sadly he had to miss the delivery because I wound up having an unplanned c-section. My DH took him home each night after that. I have known some people to keep the kids there the whole time. My DH wouldnt do it though because he wanted me to get rest.
Keep talking to her and letting her know that everything will be ok. You can let her know that the only time she wont see you during this time is at night when you are both sleeping.

When we had our second child, my mother came in from out of town to help my husband with our oldest.

The day my youngest son was born, my husband and I came to the hospital and left our oldest with his Nana. After, the baby was born my husband went and got my mother and our oldest and brought them up the hospital.

We kept him on his regular schedual the rest of the week, and my husband and mother would bring him up in the evenings to visit.

It would be best if your husband goes home at night and you try to rest. The hospitals nurses can help with anything you need.

Two days will go by quickly, and she will be fine. I had to stay for three days and my son who was four days from being 3 survived .