Almost 9-Year Old Flying Alone!

I beleive it is time to address this in court or mediation. Get it down on paper who is responsible for what in getting this girl back and forth to her visitaions with her biological mother. If you have been doing more then your share on this aspect I agree that some line needs to drawn. By having the custody papers amending with new guidelines will take the pressure off of both of you and legally put the ball back in her court.
Also make sure the girl knows that you have no intentions of hurting her mother or her but that you feel her mother needs to help with the tranporting of her more.
I hope this helps.

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T.,
I have a much younger sister that was the child in your situation. It was her dad who lived in another state. My mother and he discussed the concerns over visitation, and what would be best for my sister. (She began travelling to see him by the age of 3)
What ended up working after several years of trying different things, was to have him arrange for an escort on the plane. Minors are not allowed to travel without adult supervision until the age of 12. And even then it can be advised to have someone with them. If your child is capable of communicating the needs and concerns she has, and she asks her BIO-mom to pay the additional (maybe $45 bucks) so she feels safe to fly, then perhaps that may be the compromise you need.
If she isn't willing to then you may need to get another mediator involved until the issue is resolved. I do agree with you in that this is something you and your spouse should not have to commit to alone. If BIO-mom wants a relationship, and she wants her child to feel safe and comfortable, she will have to see that it's partially her responsibility to arrange a safe means of travel for her 9 year old.

Good luck-
T.

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I will tell you up-front that I have no personal experience with this situation - but I do have 2 children and from a mother's perspective, the deciding factor for me would be the fact that your daughter is not comfortable, is in fact scared, to fly alone. If that factor was different, perhaps my opinion would be different. But given her level of discomfort, that would settle it for me. She's old enough to be somewhat rational about this, rather than being 3 and scared, so it is likely very legitimate fear for her and perhaps tied to the tension or something else related to her relationship with her bio-mom. I would honor your daughter's desire not to fly alone. Another member's response seemed right-on - put the offer out there to have your daughter ready to go on XX date at X time and let her bio-mom make it work. Actions speak louder than words - make her walk the walk - not just a bunch of talk and drama.... Good luck to you. Your daughter is fortunate to have you on her "side".

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I faced a similar situation with my daughter when she was 7 yrs old. It was shortly after 9/11, so it was fresh in her dad's mind the tragic events that occurred with the airlines and those flights that day. Our divorce decree thankfully did spell out that he was to provide the transportation to and from his home. My daughter would have to fly from Portland into Chicago or Tulsa, depending on where he was. First, I directed my concerns to hopefully where it would count the most...I addressed concerns that if the airplane was to be high-jacked or some tragedy occur, how frightened our innocent, little 7 yr old daughter would be if she were with a stranger. (Even when they are being escorted on and off of an airplane, the airline steward/stewardess does not stay with the child at all times)In the case of a high-jacking, there would be a total state of confusion, leaving our daughter most likely alone and terrified. Chances are if you state your concerns about her flying alone or escorted and a scenario of "what if?", that bio-mom will surely decide on a different course. Point out that if a family member (preferably mom, including step, or dad) flies with your daughter and something happens, at least she will be much more comforted by having mommy or daddy with her. Make sure you play to her sympathies. If she does not listen on the phone, send an email or letter with your concerns. Make sure that you don't sound accusatory, but truly concerned. Perhaps even if you offer to drive to meet her half-way or all they way. Definitely confirm with the attorney as well what the repercussions would be if you did not send her. If bio-mom is supposed to pay for a portion of it, perhaps, that will put an end to her demands. Best of luck...hopefully bio will think about the welfare or her/your daughter. That is what is most important!

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T.,

I was a child of a broken home with one parent in one state, and the one I lived with in another. The few times I flew there was always a family member, or close friend flying with me. Your daughter is blessed to have you standing up for her.

I agree with many of the previous posts, Bio-Mom needs to pony up. If the two of you cannot come to an agreement outside of court, you might want to consider a Guardian ad Lidum (I don't know Latin so I probably spelled that wrong). That Guardian is a neutral party that will represent your daughter and what is best for her. The Guardian will make decisions that are in the best interest of your daughter, not you as the parent, or her Bio-Mom, and advise the court.

You are doing a beautiful thing by asking the Bio-Mom to be more financially responsible for the life she gave up if she wants to see her. Like another mother said, Welcome to parenthood. Bio-Mom can't have it both ways, if she wants to see her daughter, she needs to step up and be a parent, which includes being concerned about her daughter's welfare.

You should not make your daughter fly alone under any circumstances if it scares her. That, in my mind, is a recipe for disaster.

Hope this helps,
M.

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I think you are basically correct. If her biological mother is trying to bully you into doing something she knows will make your daughter uncomfortable, then she doesn't seem to be thinking about her own child's best interests. If she moved away from her child and that made visitation inconvenient, then she should live with the consequences, not her daughter, or you.
If she wants to "address spring break", let her, by being the adult and flying in the plane herself, both ways. Or she can come for a visit and stay in a hotel, and see her here. There are plenty of ways to address spring break without making a preteen fly alone. I don't even make my eight year walk to school alone for goodness sakes.

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I believe setting healthy boundaries is a good thing.

To say that you don't believe your daughter is ready to fly alone and it doesn't work for you to fly with her right now is a healthy boundary. If the other mom doesn't like it. Then put it in her court let her make the choice.

For instance if you say "I'm sorry but Sally is not going to fly alone if you would like to accompany her both directions that would be great. If that doesn't work for you I'm sorry, but of cource that is your choice." It puts things back on her allowing her to make the choice to follow through or not.

But be prepared if she doesn't like what she hears she may tantrum again. Like she did for the councelor.

Best Wishes!

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Who does the court specify is responsible for transportation costs for this visit? If you guys, then it is your responsibility to accompany her yourselves. If her mom is responsible for the costs, then she has to accompany her. Unless the court order forces you to send her on the plane alone, you are correct to be hesitant and refuse to force your daughter to fly alone against her will. If it is a connecting flight, even more so. Unaccompanied minors are not supervised as well as the airlines lead you to believe, and you have no idea what kind of wacko might be seated next to her (or worse scenarios). No need to get defensive or yell, but just state your position and ask them to call you back when they have a solution that fits your safety requirements.

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I am a divorced parent I know how difficult is is working with the other parent on visitations!
First of all, what does your daughter think? Does she want to see her bio mom and fly out there (aside from not wanting fly alone)? Has she personally expressed this to her bio mom?
Second, it is not what we the parent thinks, it is what is best for the child. Is there a reason why the bio mom doesnt want to come out here to get her? I would talk to your atterney and see if there is a way to get it stated that she hs to be doing the transporting in person. I know how hard this situation is!!
Hang in there and really listen to what your daughter wants! It is important that she is part of the dissions when it comes to this.

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Hi T.,

9 years old is absolutely too young to fly alone. Flight attendants and flight staff are not babysitters and do not act as such. It is especially concerning that your daughter has a fear of flying. Putting her on that plane by herself will terrify her - she is not ready for it. There are not as many people around these days as in the past that look out for other people's kids. There is no way in hell I'd even consider it. You are absolutely correct that bio mom should step up to the plate and escort your daughter for her visit. Or fly out to you and visit with her in your hometown. No judge in their right mind would force you to put your daughter on the plane alone either.

You're doing the right thing.

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I think that you are doing the right thing. Especially if your daughter is afraid to go it alone. I would definitely talk with your attorney and see what you can do to modify your current judgment with the court. BIO-Mom is being completely unreasonable and obviously has no concern for her daughters feelings and well being. Continue to stand your ground and if need be, take it to court. At least you have all you need to show that you have been compliant to this point.

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Your job is to do what's best for your daughter - but you know that. She's 9, so she should be able to clearly communicate what she wants. If she's scared to fly alone, then have her tell BioMOM that herself. She can write a letter if a phone call would be too difficult, as long as it's her letter and her words and can't be seen as something you dictated.

In my opinion, BioMOM should get on a plane and escort her daughter. If it's a money thing, perhaps offer to split the cost of her ticket. If it's just her inconvenience... welcome to being a parent. :)

Good luck!

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You are totally correct. If Bio-mom wants to see your daughter she can pony up the money and time. It is not your resposability to take care of transportation for bio-mom. I know the courts will see it your way to if it comes to that. Make sure you write this in a notarized letter and have it delivered to bio-mom certified regsitered mail USPS, so she can't say she didn't know why & of course keep a copy for yourself. Just remember to keep yourself covered. It would also be a good idea to get this in a parenting agreement that BIO-mom is financially responsable for all transportation of your daughter for visitation to BIO-mom and back to you and that your child will not fly unescorted. If she wants to play parent part of it is acting like one and paying up like one. Hope this helps.

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You are absolutely on the right track. Make mom do her part by coming to get that child. I see quite a few posts here of people speaking about their "good" memories flying back and forth as kids, some as young as 6 or 7. But what I think is being missed here is that this isn't the same world we were all raised in 20 years ago. There are things that I was allowed to do as a child, and have the fondest memories of, that I would NEVER allow my children to do, simply because people in general don't have the same amount of respect for others that they used to have. Kids are generally being raised without a sense of community and caring for others. Not all kids of course but enough that there seems to be no qualms about scaring younger kids.

Kudos to you for standing strong and looking out for the best interests of this child, when the other person who should be most concerned with this childs well-being, physically and emotionally, has so selfishly dropped the ball.

Hi T. A
I have a 17 year old grandaughter whom I have taken care of most of her life. Her mother is a single mom, and her daughter is a lovely young lady. My grandaughter's dad lives a state away and although he hasn't paid child support until the last few years he now insists on visitation. Which, of course, means that she is to travel to him! I have done my best to see that we have open communication with he and his family, his mother is sweet and like a sister to me. He has his own family now with another daughter & a wife. Although my grandaughter loves her dad and his family, she does not like to travel there alone, (which includes a 45 min. plane ride) because she knows she can depend on me to be there for her, and always has. I stay with a friend when I'm there and she is free to spend time with her dad's family. Your child, you say, is afraid of flying alone, why would you force that?(especially at 9 years old?)It sounds like you have done your part and Bio-mom needs to do hers, and I think you have a great attitude about it. Please stand your ground, I would pray that the legal system would honor the child's wishes and do what is best for your child.
My grandaughter's father has never even tried to come to her home to visit and she has noticed it. By the way, my grandaughter is an honor student, holds down a part-time job, loves God and life. Do stand your ground.

I don't have much experience, but a friend of mine recently split with her husband. During that marriage she adopted his two sons (at the time ages 2 and 3 from a previous marriage) and since then had a son together. All three boys call her mom and they are all considered a family...But Bio-Mom from previously has bopped in and out of the boys' life. Since the split, she has realized that she will never be able to leave the state until the boys are out of high school (6 years from no or more) and they both wanted to keep the boys together, so both she and her ex share custody. She has a legal representative if ever Bio-Mom decided to fight for her boys back. In the end, do you have any legal footing to stand on? I know its sometimes gross to involve the legal reps, but in my friend's case, she was able to keep all the boys together, and work with her ex without hurting the boys. This may not help, but something to keep in mind. I would also be as cautious as you if it were my child!

I can only speak from expierence I was flying alone between parents from age 6, (am now 30 with a 2 year old) and my parents made it fun for me because I was not a fan of it. They used to make "puke puppets" if you will excuse the expression out of the bags on the plane. I loved them and would play with them and make my own every flight I took which was once a month back and forth. The flight attendants took great care of me and the passengers somehow always talked to me and made me feel more comfortable. I can't say anything for the relationship with my mom that my father was trying to preserve for me but I can say that I actually have some pretty fond memories of the flights, I even got to ride with the pilot once. See if you can't create somethings about the flight itself that are special and unique. I am sorry you all have to go through this but I can assure you it is not the end of the world. Good luck to you.

I have a 9 year old and would not fathom having him fly
alone--no matter whose turn it is to do whatever. Seems to me if someone wants to see your daughter, she can figure out how to make that happen without compromising the child's well-being.

I think standing your ground and stating that if she wants to see her BIO-daughter that she can get on a plane and come and get her. If your 9-year old is scared to fly alone, that should be enough reason to not put her on the plane alone, regardless of court orders. Good luck - I feel for you, and sense that you are very protective of your little angel.

Hi T., you didn't say how long of a flight the 9 year old would have, but this is my experience. My granddaughter (now 22) used to fly by herself to visit us for a month every summer from the time she was 7 years old. Her parents would put her on the plane in Hawaii where they lived, & we would drive up to Portland (from Medford) to pick her up so she wouldn't need to change planes. The airline charged something like $50 to make sure any unattended child was safely on & off the plane. But Rachel was an independant child who WANTED to be able to come by herself.
I think the BioMOM SHOULD come pick her up, but if she refuses, perhaps you could encourage the child to do this "big girl" thing by herself.

I would absolutely make the woman come and GET the girl. I see no reason why she can't. If it's really that important to her she should make it happen. Next time you speak to the attourney or rep, say: "Yes, we will have her ready to be picked up at x o'clock on whatever day, no problem!" Be cheerful and let them do the rest of the work. The airline won't MAKE you make your child fly alone. Nor should this woman.

Hi T.,
First off I feel for you. When my parents divorced, it was ugly. My sister, dad and I moved to another state, and my dad paid for us to fly down to see our mother every other holiday as stated in the custody papers. I am now a mom of two wonderful children and to this day, my mom has never payed for any traveling expenses. When my oldes was five, he flew down to see her. (Of course, my husband and I paid for the airfare.) There were many attendents to assist him along his route and take care of his every whim. My mom even had to get a special pass to pick him up at the gate and security had to check ID's before they would hand him over to her. I believe the same would apply to your daughter.

Second, before you do anything else, CHECK WITH YOUR LAWYER. You may be violating her custody rights by not allowing the visit because she is being difficult. I would hate for you and your husband to get into trouble with the courts because she's a "Stinky Pete" and won't take care of her financial responsibility. I actually believe it is her obligation and not your's to make the visitation happen. PLEASE, CHECK WITH YOUR LAWYER FIRST. DON'T SET YOURSELF UP FOR A LAWSUIT BECAUSE SHE'S DIFFICULT! She has the right to see her child, but I don't think she has the right for you to pay for the traveling expenses.
A.

Wy not have the daughter call to her mom so she can tell her how afraid she is about flying alone. Perhps if SHE asked her mother to come and get her, the Bio-mom would comply.

My son started flying alone at 7,from from San Diego to Portland. He loved it and it was a great experience for him. He has traveled a lot so he didn't have fears of flying. The great thing is that children flying alone have to take direct flights(if there is no direct flight there is no flying solo) with no getting off the plane, they put them at the front of the plane and always around holidays, spring break, and summer there are other children flying alone and they seat them together. The airlines are always so great and give the kids more snacks, usually stickers, flight wings, and a visit to the pilot. You(the parent) also get a pass so you can walk them and pick them up from the gate, so there is no navigating by them selves.
Children feel so impowered when they can start figuring out the world a little by little on their own. My son takes amtrak every summer and some holidays to see his grandparents, again that system is so set up so kids have a great experience.
My son is now 12 and feels that he can get most anywhere with little to no fear of doing it on his own safely and responsibly.
What ever is going on with the mom is to bad but all the other stuff is easy to over come, especially if the child isn't given any reason to fear being by her self.
Hope this gives you more insight.

Unless your court order states that in order to accommodate Bio-Mom's visitation rights that you are required to have your minor child fly unattended to see her I would say absolutely not. Furthermore I would end the flying back and forth escorting her business permanently. This is the child's BIOLOGICAL mother, not her parent. If she wants to see the child then she can get herself on a plane and do so. As you said, you are not contesting the visitation or trying to inhibit the relationship in any way. But you certainly should not be required to pay for your child's transportation to visit this woman, nor should you be required to be the ones to do the traveling.

Additionally, your child is frightened of flying alone so I would get that court order changed post haste to state that Bio-Mom is allowed visitation but that it is to be done in your home state/town, for the emotional well-being of your child.

i know you wrote this a long time ago but i am just reading it today and i wanted to respond. although my situation is not the exact same, my son started flying alone at the age of 5, which was not something i condoned, but when it is court ordered it is court ordered.
now my son is almost 9 and he has been flying for about 4 years. i just want to assauge your fears. i dont like that he flys alone, but he has a blast. there are other kids on the airline who fly alone, the flight attendants are really good to him. and he gets the opportunity to build a relationship with his father.
what his father should or shouldn't do is not my problem. what is my problem is making sure that my son sees his father. all the monetary stuff i can take him to court over but it doesnt come into my sons court at all.
let your step daughter go -she deserves a relationship with her mother irredgardless of how you or your husband feel about her. it isnt the girls fault.
and let her see you taking the high road. this way you have the opportunity to show her how you would hope she would act if she were in a similiar circumstance.
sorry,
im not on a soap box.
i just know it is sooooo frustrating. and i wanted to say something.
i hope your road is paved with smooth stones,

E.

I can understand your frustration about biomom's history of "doing nothing", especially compared to all you have done for you daughter, and you therefore wanting her to fly with her, and you anger at her in general. But I do think a 9-year-old is old enough to fly alone. I wonder how much of her fear of flying alone is coming from your fear? I think it might be good for her to have some counseling to help her overcome or deal with her fear before the trip. I assume that she has flown before - is she afraid of flying in general or only of flying alone? Obviously airplane travel is potentially dangerous, but flying with one's parents is not inherently safer than flying alone, and I think statistics show that driving in a car is more dangerous than flying. I would talk with the airlines. I don't know what their policies are these days but assume that they would be willing to give her extra attention on the flight. I think flying alone, with good preparation and confidence on your part, could actually be good for her self-esteem and feelings of empowerment. And it will save a lot of money! I flew with my brothers when I was 6 and 8. My daughter started taking the Greyhound alone at age 7 and flying a year or so later.
Now that I've read the other responses I'd like to add a little more to mine. Although I think 9-year-olds are generally old enough to fly alone, obviously it depends on the child, and I would not put her on the plane if she is terrified, if she isn't able to work through her fears. I think other important aspects of this are how she feels about seeing her biomom, how the visits with biomom go, whether you and or biomom talk bad about each other, what the level of tension is around the whole situation. I think whatever you can do to let go of/work through your anger at biomom and find a way to get along better would help your daughter immensely. It's so hard for a child when people she loves are angry with each other. I do think it would be good, even if she doesn't fly alone yet, for her to have some counseling to help her feel more confident. Also, I think the distance and time involved in the trip are important variables. And I agree with the other people's good ideas of making the trip more fun and enjoyable for her. I do wish you well!

Why haven't you gone to court and requested an adjustment of the parenting plan? You can request that she come and get the child for visitation and you go bring her home, a 50/50 deal. Also if the child is of an age the court can approve the child be accompnied with an escort from the airline(they do this for a nominal fee)instead of either parent.

Caressa

I am sorry for your family, this is more evidence in favor of closed adoptions.

Your attorney is the only one who can answer these questions. What you can and cannot do is determined by the divorce decree. Does it state who is to provide transportation?

My daughter's decree does not address transportation. Fortunately the father lives nearby and the parents take turns.

Ask your attorney what the bio-mom could legally do if you didn't fly her back there. Then weigh the consequences between against sending and sending her.

Have you called the airlines. Can she fly alone at that age and what services (protection) will they provide for her?

I've learned that when dealing with difficult people to sympathize with their difficulties while standing ground with your decision. Maybe she doesn't have the money to fly. Maybe she has responsibilities that prevent her from leaving her home. Unless your decree states that you are to provide transportation I think that she wouldn't have any legal ground to force you to send her. On some level she knows that she's lost and you have the power. Knowing that may help you to be able to be more sympathetic.

Tell her you would like for her to visit with her daughter but you are unwilling to let her fly alone. Focus on your daughter's needs. Say you know she would want what is best for her daughter. Build her up so that she feels that she has some say in what happens.

She may be so angry that she won't be able to have a reasonable conversation. In that case let your attorney deal with her. You stick to your decision as long as it's legal to do so by the decree.

I wouldn't send my children of any age fly alone in today's world. Maybe if they were a responsible teen that I trusted but not a 9 yo. she has good reason to be afraid.

I notice that you use the word "alone", but the flight attendants are very attentive to these minors, and flying is actually safer than driving. If you look at crime reports, there isn't more crime than ever, but we get more reports than we used to of it (from t.v. news, crime shows etc).

So, if you remove all the emotions from it--imagine she's going to see your mom or your favorite aunt who you love and trust immensely--and you realize that minors always get to their destination, and you remove the judgements over money, it probably wouldn't be so scary for you. From your use of the word "alone" and the way you characterize "bio-mom", I get the impression that you are afraid and uncomfortable with many aspects of this situation and you are not addressing your own fears and discomforts. I wish you all the best because I know it's difficult for you, but it might serve you and everyone well if you work on coming to a peace with this difficult reality in the life of you and your daughter.
All the best,
C.

Hello T.. Although I'm not a mom, I am a teenage girl whose been stuck in the middle of two divorced parents since I was 6. When I was 9 I moved all the way across the country to with my mom, while my Dad still lived in Louisiana. My brother, 2 years older than me, and I would travel to Louisiana and back by ourselfs. As an "unaccompanied minor" the child will get on first and get off last. We were escorted everywhere, from the bathroom, to the gate, to the "playroom" while we waited for our plane. Flight attendance and other airport workers are very cautious and caring. Till the time I was 11 I traveled with my brother. Once I was 15 I was able to travel alone without accistance or any sort. I had a cellphone to call my mom and dad when I landed and before I took off. They gave me money for food and I had colors and music to listen to while on the plane. I was never once worried about being alone. When traveling 2 to 3 times a year 2 planes each way, I became very familiar with many many airports and my way around. As a 17, almost 18 year old now, for the first time last year I traveling to Europe alone. It was wonderful. I think flying alone as a child is a good expirience because its kind of a way to test yourself to make sure you know the rules about strangers and being in a public and unfamiliar place. Traveling alone I would have to say definatley contributed to me being so independant at my age. I am very confidant that if I was stranded in the middle of no where with very little cash I would be able to find my way home and stay safe. Good luck.
Sincerely
L.

I think she should be the one to pay for the tickets however many that may be. You need to support your daughter and what is best for her.

First, I'm curious as to why your daughter might be afraid to fly alone - is this something that can be worked through with counseling? The airlines are generally very good with unacompanied minors (contrary to popular movie opinion) and I have had positive experiences.

Otherwise, what about a train trip mom & daughter could take together? They are advertising it like a "cruise" almost - and it would be much less expense (even if mom flew up & back and just did the train with the daughter) - but I have no idea of the distances involved.

My advice - try to think outside the box - I sincerely hope you can find a solution that works in everyone's best interest. C.

Seems as you tried going out of your way to make the trip less stressful. Time for the mom to step up. It isnt your problem she is being selfish. I advise you to speak to your attourney before she claims you are going against the order and you get into trouble due to it. Remember the courts look in the moms favor then the dads.

Good luck and happy valentines day =)

Personally, I was terrified to go on a plane until I was 18. Depending on your daughter's personality, it seems she is more introverted. And does not just take charge and do things by herself without knowing that she is doing the right thing, the right way etc. If this is the case, to put her on a plane by herself may really cause a rift in relationships on both sides. You and your husband for sending her off, and her mom for making her do it and not really caring about her own feelings. I would definitely try to find a healthy medium in visiting. Let your daughter try to express her feelings and what she feels and thinks about visiting her mom. It may already be difficult for her that her parents are not together, and to see continued conflict and confrontations that don't have a peaceful resolve is confusioning. I hope that everyone will be able to lay aside selfish motives and ambitions and really consider what is at stake and how invaluable a child's life is. May this all be forming on her character and used for good, whatever decisions are made.