All My Kids Do Is Fight, I Need Help!

Well, my heart goes out to you. You stated that you have gone down the therapy road - since the diagnosis are as such - what about the meds? Right dosage? Are your kids angry? If so, about what?
One time I had my oldest (11 now) write down what she was angry about, what she could do to make her life healthier, her thoughts on how our family could be a team. It opened the gates of communication and we solved many issues in a short amount of time. I have no PHd but I do know if kids do not feel they have a voice, it can come out in a very negative ways towards the ones they love the most. It is no wonder you are about to run away. I hope and pray for peace in your home. I do not think it is impossible. Cut out of your life what is not a necessity - any thing that is burdening you that you can get rid of. You need to take care of you or no one will be taking care of your children.

G. m

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Are you a Christian? Are you aware of the spiritual side of life? It sounds like you have multiple spiritual problems going on in your family. There are several excellent churches and prayer rooms that could really help you if you are interested. There is a prayer center in North Davidson that is non-denominational and open from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. I think. You could go and get prayer anytime, and if you want specific help, you could make an appointment. Write back to me if you are interested and I'll give you the details. God bless you, and I will pray for you. (If you are not in Charlotte, I can still tell you where to find prayer help/counseling if you are interested).

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i have 4 kids to.2 boys 2 grils. 15,11,8,9, my 15year old has adhd to.cant keep his hands to his slef.all my kids see a. therapy it helps me..to deal with it.and they have to do chores and outher things..ill pray for you.and your kids.we go to church that helps to..god loves you give it to him..he will help you..he did me. god bless you..J.

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Hi J.,
I to have this same problem. And I to have tried it all so i feel your pain. I have 5 children. the ages are 12, 12, 8, 6, and 4. My 12 ,8, and 6 yr old just moved back in with me from there dads. Where they had absolutly no discipline. Which makes it extremely diffcult. I dont have an anwser for you I to am searching for it. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. If you need to talk or vent feel free to contact me..

J.

I feel for you! Mine did the same thing for so long and still have a melt down at least every other day. I'm a single mom of 4, my oldest is 16, one 14, and 12 yr old twins. One of my twins is autistic w/ ADHD, and my 14 yr old is Ms. Drama queen. All 4 have dealt with depression off and on due to the divorce and what caused it, however; they are finally calming down. I've been where you are and wouldn't know exactly what to advise you of. I didn't allow TV, games, etc., when they would fight. I would sit mine in the living room side by side until they dealt with it, and I mean they would fist fight.
I have no clue whether this would work for you, but I did realize one thing: I had to be consistent, if I made the statement,"if you do that one more time ..........." I had to follow through immediately. Otherwise they walk all over you. Whatever your form of discipline, find the childs weekness (ex: videos) and take it, then stick to it. I just wish I knew something else to tell you. I'll keep you in my prayers, and remember: "This too shall pass".

Hi J.,

I feel for you. I have five children so we've had our share of fighting.

I went to a seminar yesterday with Larry Koenig of Smart Discipline. It was excellent and his principles would work in your situation.

It has to do with sitting down and deciding on a few simple rules, figuring out what each child's favorite toys/activities/priviledges are. And then making a chart for each child to place on the refrigerator. Each chart has something like 10 blocks on it. The first few blocks just have a letter in them. The last five blocks have the letter and then also one priviledge listed in each block starting with a small one and the biggest one last.

Then you have a family meeting and explain the system. Make it simple and clear. Then they know exactly what you expect. Every time they break a rule you mark a square. So they get a few free passes. Then you get to blocks with priviledges and if they gets marks in them they lose whatever is in that block, like TV, computer games etc.

They may grumble and complain about it but if you do it consistently without threatening them they will get with the program.

YOu start over every week. So no more grounding for 3 months. This system provides structure and helps most children feel more secure which then produces better behavior.

This is just a very short summary of a 2 hour program. He has several books and a website. If you have any questions I'll try to answer them.

I'm sure that you are exhausted and emotionally drained. Hang in there.

S.

I feel for you and I understand what your going through. I have 3 children. My oldest has ADHD and My youngest has ADHD,OD,and Bipolar. Its extremely difficult. Mine fight all day long. They are both on meds which helps some. But its really hard especially with my youngest.

Hi J.. I think Erin and the other Moms gave some really great advice. The only thing I'd like to add is this. If you can, try planning one day for each child to spend with just that child. I know this will not be easy with so much going on, but it will surely be worth it. Find someone to watch two while you take the third, and just go somewhere. It can be to the mall, the park, the skating rink, the mountains... somewhere that the child likes to be and would have fun with you. Spend that day talking with that child about anything and everything. Don't make the whole day about their problems, talk about other things too. I think you need to do this whole day thing (rather than just asking them at home) because when you do you are showing them that you care about them individually and are really tuned in to what they have to say. But at some point during the day, just ask that child point blank how he/she feels about your home life and what has been going on. Ask them what they think you can do to make things better, what they would like to see change in their siblings, and what they think THEY can do differently to make life better for them. I think this time will give the children a sense that you are plugged in and really care despite the limited amount of time an attention you are able to give them on a daily basis, and it will give them a sense of ownership in the problem. I know their individual emotional problems play a large roll in what is going on and those problems need to be addressed. But any child, no matter what emotional problems they have, wants to feel heard, understood and taken seriously. So do what you can, even for just that day, to make that child feel that way.

Then once you've gotten input from all three, sit them down together and talk about the plan you come up with to make some of the changes they have each said need to be made, and the new rules of the house. I really like the idea of the chart with blocks to mark off when each child breaks a rule, but I would suggest also having a chart with blocks to check off when they do something good like doing chores, taking care of animals, being kind to each other, being respectful to you, etc., with sometype of reward (extra time watching TV one night, choosing the meal for dinner one night, having a friend over, anything simple and preferable not related to money but still incentive for them). In other words, they need to be discouraged from bad behavior, but they also need to encouraged to show good behavior.

I also want to ask... where is the father in all of this? Has he offered to help at all? Perhaps he should be the one to take the two while you spend the day with one. That may be another large part of the problem if they do not have a strong father-figure helping to guide them. Even if he does not live in the same house, he still has a responsibility to help raise the children to be responsible, mature adults. That may be another conversation you need to plan on.

I would also like to suggest a couple of other resources. Dr. James Dobson's book "The New Strong-Willed Child" is an EXCELLENT parenting resource, whether your child is strong-willed or not. Also, check out "No Greater Joy Ministries" online at http://www.nogreaterjoy.org.

Good luck, and hang in there!

i have 2 daughters and most of the time that is all they do is fight. but what i have learned with them is that (sometimes)depending upon what the argument is about it can be easily settled by sending them to separate rooms and having them stay there by themselves until they have calmed down. then and only then will i bring them together in the same room to ask them why they fight about stupid stuff. i mean my youngest who is bout 5-1/2 can literally give her 8 year old sister a black eye and not even think twice about doing it. she is very hard and sometimes uncontrollable but we always find out the problem in the end and it stops the fighting for a while till something different comes up. but trust me the three of us also see a psychiatrist and having some mental malfunctions can make things a little harder to deal with but there are always ways around every problem. you just have to find out what it is. find out what they dislike about each other so much that it causes them to fight. most of the time when you find out what causes the fighting it makes things easier to find out the solution. like for instance; if they are fighting with one another because of the way they all look then find out what you can do to help them realize that no matter how different someone looks it doesn't reflect how they feel inside when they are put down or made fun of or pushed around. just because they may not all look alike doesn't mean they aren't alike on the inside. if the 14 yr old is getting pushed around by the 7 yr old then you need to find ways for them to solve their differences without killing each other. sometimes putting them in their own space gives them the time they need to realize that they need each other in order to survive in a family. all of your children are closer in age and there shouldn't be that much difference between them other then maybe friends and activities. i was the oldest of three sisters and my youngest sister and i were 6 yrs apart in age. now for girls we always fought like guys, fists and feet, punching as hard as we could till one finally fell or we were pulled apart by mom and dad, but now i am 26 and she is 20 and we are both married now and we are happier together now they we were back then. but we had to realize that without our differences we would have never gotten to where we are now. sometimes having big differences can be a plus but you have to find out what those pluses are before you can use them. find out what your kids like and don't like about each other, have them sit down at the table with you and talk about their problems and try to find out what might help them get along better. you will be surprised in the end, sometimes just getting them to sit down and talk with you about their problems with each other can make all the difference in the world. good luck and i hope that this does help.

sincerely,

J.

Unfortunately that is the age kids argue with each other OFTEN. I separated my childen I have 2. They are 18 months apart. I would send them to their bedrooms or I would say you have so much engery to fight lets go clean you room. They had very clean room no toy or tv in the room. My girls didn't get t.v's in their rooms until they were older. If your children share a room make them do some other chore, clean the living room go rake leaves.

Eventually they will get it. My daughters don't fight as much any longer.

Oh by the way they have a.d.d. Consistentcy it part of the key. And if you tell them you are going to take something away do it don't just threaten.

Hi J.,
I don't know a lot about the things that you are dealing with but I do know that My brother has ADHD and ODD and it was miserable growing up with him we constantly fought until my parents got the therapist to put him on ritalin. Maybe the therapist you are going to can do that put them on something else that would be more suited for your kids particular situation. My husband also has ADHD and he was on ritalin growing up also and it calmed him down and helped him a lot. If your therapist won't help you like this then I would try a different one. One thing that I would do is turn your situation over to God. He can handle anything. Pray about your situation tell God that it is his now and have faith that he will heal your family. He will provide a way for things to work out for you and your family. I know that since I have handed situations in my life over to God he works them out for me. I know that one of my Pastors sons has adhd and he may have some advice to offer you if you want to talk to him.
If you are in the Salisbury area I can tell you what church I go to and you can come to service on Sunday and talk to him if you want. Just email me and I will give you the directions if you are interested. I will pray for you.

J., it sounds as if you have a very difficult situation on your hands. It also sounds like there is a lot of stress in your house. With the behavioral and emotional disorders that your children (and you) are dealing with I think it is both wise and necessary that you continue with therapy. However, therapy is not a fixer in itself. Therapy is a tool that may or may not work depending on the type, your willingness to implement it in your home and how the style of therapy fits with your family's needs. Beyond therapy though you are obviously dealing with children whose needs exceed the needs of other children their age. I don't know the inner workings of your family but ask yourself these questions: 1)do I have a strong support system to help when I become overwhelmed; if not how can I find one?You may want to find a support group for parents of children with emotional disorders. It may help you to have a system of support and information. Also, engage a network of professionals(therapist, school counselors, doctors, health and nutrition experts.) You can't do this alone and you shouldn't have to. But you also need to have people around who understand how to address children dealing with mental illness. 2)how do I react to my children; could they be feeding off of my stress? 3)is their environment predictable (daily schedules, time with parents)? This is VERY important. Children equate security with sameness if their daily lives are chaotic they will react with chaotic behavior. 4)what can I do in my life to eliminate unecessary stressors in order to be able to meet the emotional needs of my children? /// Yours is a highly complex situation and I cannot profess to understand it from a blurb on a website. However, I do know that our children feed off of our energy. They also thrive in routines, and when they understand that their parent's expect certain things of them. Most of all they learn by example so if they fight and lack respect for one another ask yourself if they may be tapping into something that they've seen either from you, their father, or another role model. Another question, how long have you been divorced? Have there been any other major changes in their lives or routines lately? Do you offer your undivided attention as often as possible? It's often not as much about how much time you spend with your kids but rather how engaged you are with them when you do spend time together. In other words, ten minutes of really focused time talking, reading or coloring is worth more than an hour of being in the same room half listening and doing a million other things. Do your children help with all of your pets? Can the pets be a way of bringing everyone together to share in the accomplishment of a task? If not and you take care of all of the pets you may want to reconsider having so many. I would imagine having more that 7 animals - if the children do not participate in caring for them - takes up a considerable amount of your time and energy. Good luck, keep at it, let your kids know how much you love them and that you will do whatever it takes to help them.

You poor thing! This is a couple of years late, but I just thought I'd throw another book out there that you probably haven't read. It's called John Rosemond's Six Point Plan for Raising Happy Healthy Children. He doesn't do psycho babble, but advocates for no-nonsense parenting, and it makes sense to me. He has a newspaper column, that is on his website at www.rosemond.com. I get his books off amazon for cheap, or maybe they'd be at the library. Good luck with your kids!

I have a 10 yrs. old with ADHD and ODD and she fights with my 7 yrs. old and 6 yrs.old. I shut out everyone else and everything on certains days and we JUST sit. Sit in the house and be quiet until I make sure that I have everyone's complete attention. We have to stop our momentum often at times and fewer at other times just for me to have all of their attention in order to gain all of the control. Then we try to talk about the problem and it's ok to treat them like they are in school by raising a hand or finger to ask for permission to speak. you got to get and keep the control of everything around you and they have to learn to recognize that you are the boss.
R. Cole