Alcohol

Hi M.,

I've read your post and your 2nd response. I think that you are to be commended to reaching out to Mamasource moms. You are doing a lot of things right here - you've gotten your GED which you never, ever have to apologize for or be defensive about! You are to be congratulated! You have a strong bond with your sister, and you clearly are dedicated to your daughter.

You have been with Chris for 10 years so that's since you were 16 years old. He has been your whole life and it is understandable that you love him and want to defend him while still reaching out for help. There are things that have been recommended to you which you don't feel apply and/or which you are not ready for. So you need to take advice that you feel will help. Only you know where your relationship is at right now.

I agree about Al-Anon. There is great and non-judgmental support. You can get help on line if getting to meetings is tough. If you are in financial straits, then the cost of your husband's alcohol is a big problem as well. Beer is expensive. He is not there for you when he is drinking even if he is not being mean. So counseling or Al-Anon will help a lot with figuring out how to handle that. If you can't afford counseling, ask your town's Family & Children Service group for low-cost help, ask your doctor (OB/GYN, primary care, or pediatrician) for a referral to someone who specializes in your issues and who will operate on a sliding scale or take your insurance, or reach out to a local minister or other clergy member whether or not you are a member of that church. There are many resources out there - you just need a little help in finding them.

First, get your sister to stop saying anything about how she feels about him, and to stop putting comments on his Facebook page. He obviously got very angry, and that's because (I'm guessing) that he KNOWS he has a problem but isn't ready to face it yet, so he gets furious if anyone criticizes it or refers to it. Then you can talk to her about YOU and have her be a source of support for you.

If you don't want your daughter to see this behavior anymore, then you have to go out for a while. You don't have to call it "leaving" but you can call it a visit with grandparents or your sister, whatever. You mention that everyone has a "full house" but maybe it won't be an imposition if you spread your visits out among a bunch of people who love you. I know you don't want to make him mad but there's no point in you witnessing this. I also know it's not easy to pack and leave with a little one because they need so much stuff. Maybe you can have an overnight bag in the car and ready for a visit.

You mention that you lost all your friends when you had your daughter. Find some free groups like local mothers' groups, a library story/play group, or start one. They rotate from house to house and all you do is provide coffee and snacks when it's your turn. Some towns have a Newcomers Club (even if you're not new, you can join!) that sponsors activities. Put a flyer up in the children's room of the library or at the child care area of the gym to see if anyone is interested in starting one. Get some new friends who will provide you and your daughter with play time/socializing and ultimately let you meet some new people, some of whom may become close friends.

Good luck and keep reaching out!

1 mom found this helpful

I haven't read all of your responses, but I was wondering if anyone had mentioned the ALANON meetings . They are designed for the sole purpose of helping those who have loved ones who are dependent on alcohol. You might check if their are meetings in your area, as that would be of great benefit to you to meet others who are going through the same problems as you. In my opinion, your husband should find a AA meeting in his area,along with a sponsor from that meeting place who has a lot of years sobriety who can help him during his first year of sobriety, and during his recovery process.
It might also be helpful to find a counselor in your area who specializes in alcohol and addiction treatment. If your husband truly wishes to change his ways, it is important to be of support to him, however, you also need support and encouragement through this difficult time. It will be an adjustment for him and for you. If you need help finding any resources or locating a meeting I can help you out.

You sound just like one of my friends she had a husband just like the one you describe never got physical until one day I got a phone call "Can you come pick me and the girls up? X gave me a black eye"
He isn't physically abusive now but believe me if he continues drinking like this he will be. I am glad you have are staying w/ your mom you need to stay there until he 100% gives up the drinking. He needs to go to AA and you and your daughter need to keep your distance. I also recomend you seek some sort of support group. I wish you and your daughter the best of luck.

You say this only happens once or twice a year but that he drinks 2 - 3 times a week and you try to go to bed before he drinks too much. If you stayed up - would it happen all the time? There is no excuse for someone to treat you that way or say the things that your husband says to you. It's horrible and you need to get help. Not only is it destroying your life but your daughters as well. How sad that you have to go to bed to avoid it. My husband and I go to bed together - time varies depending on what we are doing but we always go to sleep together. It's a nice way to end a day.

I'm not married to a drunk but my father was one and I know how it affects everyone. You don't have to leave - kick your husband out until he cleans up his act. Him losing his family and home can be a great motivator. Don't worry - he will need to keep paying. You might just end up saving his life.

Go to an al-anon meeting for help and resources. And stop making excuses. He's not that wonderful and if he puts the two people he's supposed to protect and love more than anyone down on a continuous basis or hurts them intentionally.

M., Two things I can recommend is going to al-anon meetings :http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ and a great book to pick up is 'co-dependent no more' by Melanie Beatty. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. J.

The United Way has a referral service:call 211 and then the menu will walk you through the options. I just called and you Press 5 for English and you will get a volunteer who asks you zip code and age to get you to the correct help line. They can line up temporary shelter if you just want to leave for a while to get some peace for yourself and get the message to him. I would recommend you call them and even just get some phone counseling and advice. If you keep enabling him, and he does not change, eventually your daughter might come to understand that men are like daddy and end up with a man very much like him, and be just as upset as you are now. Act for her sake if not for your own. Like you said, you deserve respect and decent communication and unless he wants to change he probably will not. Please call. Consider yourself hugged.

You will know when you've had it and when you are ready to take action.DO NOT leave your home-if things get bad try and wait (if not in danger) until he is sober and talk about the situation.

Hi M.,

There are a couple of things you can do. You can start by expressing this to your husband (when he is not drinking) - just be honest with him about how you feel when he drinks. Be careful to stay on your side of the street so he doesn't get too defensive.* You could ask him if there is anything bothering him that he is using alcohol as a way to escape. If he is unwilling to tone it down after that discussion it may be that he is unable to. If this is the case you can start going to Alanon. You can find meetings in your area. You can't make someone stop drinking, but if it is interfering with your marriage you should make him aware.
* I wouldn't get into him going off about your sister - I would suggest you keep it more neutral (Honey, I am concerned that you have been drinking a lot lately - is there something going on? When you drink I feel like I don't know if you are going to be fun or if you are going to get set off - it scars me." ......

I wish you luck with this.

hello M., I do not know what other have written b/c i am new to this site, but alanon is a great resource for people with loved ones that they may feel have alcohol problems. I know the website in RI is www.riafg.org and the # is ###-###-#### in Cranston and they may be in your local phone book. They are all people in the same boat as you there and it has helped me tremendously. Good luck....T.

First of all, I'm really sorry that you are having a tough time. The only advice I have is to find a counselor who can help the two of you resolve this extremely important issue. You are right that it's not okay for your daughter to witness you being verbally abused by your husband. No one deserves to be mis-treated by their partner.

Hi M.

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. It has to be difficult. Have you looked into any couseling? whether it be conseling on your own or as a couple? I would highly suggest it. You may think talking to a stranger about all this might be odd or not helpful, but this is what I recommend. I seeked counseling a few years back (on my own) to deal with a problem that my husband and I were having, and yes, the first few visits were awkaward for me because it was like talking to a stranger. However, it was a professional who had some great ways to help me through my issue. I ended up seeing her for a year and to this day I still think about the advice she gave and certain things we discussed and how to deal with them. I had to do a little research and find someone who was covered by my insurance. So all I paid was my co-payment at every visit. I HIGHLY recommend you seeking professional advice! Start by going to someone by yourself and if they recommend couples counseling, well, then take it from there. Best wishes.

I am going through the same thing you feel thats its ok cus it dosent happen all the time and you dont just want to throw all the wonderful times you have spent together away so i will also be looking at the comments you get you are not alone!!!!

This will 100% get worse over time. He needs to stop drinking. If not you and your daughter need to find a way to seperate from him. Sorry for your situtation.

M., Hi its C. I would encourage you to join an AA group for wives, Alchololics follow predictable behaviors and I want you to see how you help to enable that behavior. The group counselors can give you assistance in helping you to communicate your concern. It sounds like your husband while he may be wonderful does not respect you while he is under the influence of the alcohol (drugs). Just because its legal doesn't mean he doesn't have a severe addiction. If he were under the influence of any other drug, and it produced the same results would you stay?

There are shelters you are able to go to. Getting back on your feet will by no means easy but you can do it. This is something no one can do for you and I want to encourage you by saying you have taken a wonderful step by contacting the awesome women in the group.

Seek out womens shelters. They will help you get back on your feet and possibly help you to go to school so you can
increase your self confidence and start creating a healthy and happy environment for your daughter. I am the grandchild of a severe alcholic and my mom suffered for years from his irrational behavior. Choose differently for your daughter. She makes a difference.

Dear M.,

i come from an alcoholic home. My family is wonderful. But it took Al-Anon for me to be able to be happy with me and them. It sounds like you have all the ingredients for a perfectly happy life with your wonderful husband and daughter. It sounds like Al-Anon may be able to help you realize this happiness for yourself and your family:

http://www.ma-al-anon-alateen.org/

Alcoholism is a disease that noone can conquer alone. But there is help and a community out there. If you try it, it may be for you. It was for me, even though it took courage to make the first steps. Check out the website, and see if this may be for you.

I just read your post about the responses you got. You make a lot of sense to me! Healthy and clear and full of hope. As you can be, i firmly believe.

All the best and good luck!

D.

See if you can get him to go to counseling. Maybe with you.

you wrote in your bio that you have a "wonderful" husband. are you kidding yourself? I grew up in the exact household you are describing and I would run not walk as fast as i can to a shelter or relative. There has to be someone who has room (temporary) for you and your daughhter. If you stay how are you going to explain why daddy is so mean, angry, and scary? Its only going to get worse. Can you try and tell him that he needs to leave and get help from AA or your going to get a divorce. Drastic times call for drastic measure.... Good luck . youre much too young to be living his life.