AH Parents - Do You Pick up Extra After Spouse B/c of Income Difference?

No, I don't pick up more for my husband because he makes more money than I do. I do it because after 15 years of marriage and 20 years of togetherness, I realize that I'm the cleaner of the two of us, *I* have the cleanliness desires/issues and he ain't gonna change. He's not a slob, but I am a neatnik. As Tim Gunn says, this is how I 'make it work.' Has NOTHING to do with money, but like I said, a desire to have a happy marriage. So I swallow my annoyance 85% of the time.

Good question. And for me LeeLee is spot on. It doesn't come down to money for me/us. Mainly because I don't bring any in, lol. What works for one doesn't work for the next.
I've also learned that my brain is wired different than hers. She leaves her empty cup on the coffee table because she doesn't think to put it in the sink. I don't perceive it as her being lazy, forgetful, dependent or any of those. It's just how her brain works. And she is an extreme people pleaser.
On that same topic, I as well am a huge people pleaser. But I also feel obligated to have her life as worry free as possible due to the fact that she is the sole earner, but it isn't about the money...?!? does that make sense? And that is why I do what I do.

Just because she makes more money mean she doesn't have to help out around the house. You work too. It doesn't have to be 50 / 50 but it has to be something YOU can live with, since you do the majority.

Sometimes 'people pleasing' is a good thing.

Rule of thumb: Is it hurting you (or someone else) to be nice to someone else?

If not, then it's not a problem.

Similarly... if you're putting your loved ones on the back burner to get the affection/attention/approval from a stranger/aquaintence/etc. STOP. Work from your priority list downward. (This is the 'hurting someone else' aspect of the rule of thumb).

I don't think you have to do tit for tat / she does x for you so it's "okay" to do y for her. As a matter of fact, that's generally a reeeeeeally bad idea.

Sometimes you can just be nice for no other reason than that you love someone.

Sometimes what looks like being nice to someone else, is actually taking care of yourself (mess tolerance is different with every person) without demanding that other people meet your expectations. AKA wanting a clean bathroom... someone can rant and yell and cajole and try to get other people to keep the bathroom how they want it and get resentful over it. OR they can just clean the bathroom themselves. Happily if a clean bathroom makes them happy, or resentfully if they want other people to be doing it for them. That's an expectation thing. Expectations aren't universally bad, either, but they tie into resentments like bows on presents.

Point being; It's okay to do something nice. For someone else, or for yourself. Just because you happen to feel like it it. It only becomes a problem when it's being done out of manipulation or is hurting someone else or yourself.

Well, in our case, my husband WAY out-earns me. When we first got married it was very close to 50/50 regarding income.
Now I work PT and he works a TON.
So, in our case, it's a matter of I'm here more and have more time to get the household stuff done.
I don't clean the house "for" him, I clean the house because, logically, I have more time to do it.
That said, I have an amazing guy, so even when I "drop the ball" so to speak, he would never say a word.
Just don't mistake your inner voice with what you think she might be thinking/saying in her head!

See those port a potties really messed me up. Ya know, those stickers that say save steps save time? I saw them wayyyy too much when Christine played soccer.

Turned me into one huge efficiency freak. So it goes against my potty education to have both of us pick up our plates. :) I pick up Troy's plate if it is there and empty when I am going to the sink. He does the same if he is first. I am pretty sure I do it more but I feel like healthy is not keeping score.

I guess I am saying I think healthy is when both people bring 100% to the table. I also think most relationships do. I think you start having problems when you keep score because you will see everything you do but maybe half of what the other does.

I know it is easy to devalue the other's contribution. I see very few stay at homes, myself included when I was one, who don't realize the sacrifice of just being out of the home all day. Sometimes it helps to think for all the times you just want to get out of the house your spouse is probably thinking all I want to do is go home.

When you look at it from working it is easy to look at someone staying at home that they just play with the kids. Sorry but a good parent is not playing with the kids, they are trying to negotiate with terrorists. How much are those people paid, ya know.

I guess I am saying if no one is complaining you are probably doing things pretty darn equal.

Hey you want the real answer to your question, ask Mrs on Purpose, do you think I do too much? I would bet she gives you an honest answer.

I get that you have to "check yourself" when you're doing what might be just regular stuff to other folks. I think that it's okay to do it sometimes just out of generosity or kindness. Maybe you can put some numbers to it (like it seems you probably do) if quantifying it makes it easier.

On another note, I understand that recovery for you might mean certain things that I can't speak to. That said, I think that a certain level of co-dependency between spouses is what syncs them. That's the logic behind opposites attracting and complementing each other, etc. Yeah, we're supposed to be two healthy and independent individuals coming together, but we then need to be able to lean on each other for certain things that we ourselves can't or won't do. Now, there can be a fine line between that and enabling, and that can only be decided by you guys, but you know what I mean. (Ugh, I'm an over-thinker, too.)

Sometimes I'll hold back on doing something for my husband just to see if he'll do it on his own. If it's for him and he doesn't care, I cut myself some slack. If it's for US--like dishes--then I think that it's perfectly fine to dump his in with the rest of them. I don't need to prove a point by letting his plate and fork and glass be the only dirty dishes in the house.

We clean up after each other, and watch out for each other, because that's what people who care about each other do.

I don't mind being the one who does the majority of the housework, because I do consider that my job. Of course, I'm a SAHM, so it's not like I'm working all day then coming home and cleaning up his mess.

He works hard so I don't have to. I appreciate all that he is doing, and I try to show that appreciation by making our home a relaxing place for him to come home to.

NOW, that does NOT mean I am his maid... I do expect him to be reasonably tidy. If I am having an off day, or need some time for myself, then I am going to take it and expect him to pick up the slack. I do the same for him.

Our relationship is all about give and take. :)

This is a really good question. I don't see you cleaning up her plate as people pleasing because you don't mind doing it, and it doesn't sound like she's trying to take advantage of your good nature. If, however, she expected you to always have the house clean and got annoyed when you didn't... so you started working tons harder to make the house perfect and clean up after her, then yes - that would be people pleasing and not a very nice home atmosphere. Like everyone else, I don't see cleaning up someone's plate as related to how makes more money. For example:

I am awful at putting my shoes away. I just forget. My husband has been picking up my shoes for 14 years. During that time he made double what I did, was then unemployed, made the same as I did, went back to school and brought in no income, then made the same as I did, and now makes more. Similarly, I do all of the grocery shopping. If I left it to my husband, we'd never have food. Even when he was unemployed and had the free time, I still did the groceries. But he did take on more of the other house chores.

To me, it all comes down to your motivation. If you do something because it's not an effort and makes the house run smoother, then keep at it. If you do it because you somehow feel less worthy because you make less and you're trying to prove your worth and make sure she still likes/loves you... then it *could* be people pleasing.

This is tricky. I think picking up a mess, because it's stressful...is being a good spouse. I think reminding to take vitamins if forgetful, is just a nice gesture. Doing extras for a spouse, is being a thoughtful spouse. With that said...

Cleaning up after her and clearing her plate, then needing a way to rationalize...to me is people pleasing. She is a grown adult, Cleaning up after her all the time, really serves no purpose. You are not reducing her stress, reminding her of something important (vitamins,) or simply doing something extra for the joy of it. This sounds like habitually doing an act she is well old enough to do herself, in order to please her. OR...

Are you the cleaner and tidier person in the house? Are you better at cleaning? Is she NOT the best at cleaning, because she she knows you will coming after her and cleaning everything up? There is a difference, see.

In my home, I don't do anything to achieve balance. It's OUR money. I clean up before he gets home usually, because no one wants to walk into a mess. It wouldn't matter why he was out of the house, I'd still do it. I don't do this, because I have an innate need to please him. We are in a marriage, so we give and take. Whew...that answer got wordy. I'm not sure I made any sense...

I think that we should all take personal responsibility and clean up behind ourselves. As for it relating to income? I don't think so. There are "chores," and then there are the things we clean up that are personal.

She should have picked up her own plate, rinsed it, and placed it in the sink to be washed with the rest of the dishes. It's HER plate.

Just like she'd put her dirty clothes in the hamper. They're HER clothes.

Or put her wet towel on the hook. HER towel.

See where I'm going?

So yeah, if you're doing the little things that most people would consider "personal messes," you're people pleasing.

What I've done: I'm in the kitchen with my hands in the dishpan. I'll say "honey, can you bring me the stuff that's on the table so I can wash it?"

Eventually, it's habit.

It's just courteous. We don't create MORE work for our loved ones to do.

Oooh. Good question.

I don't think earnings have anything to do with division of household labor. I think it's more about who has the time to do these things. I mean, if your spouse travels extensively, how are they supposed to dust or vacuum? How are they supposed to mow the lawn or take the kids to the doctor? It falls upon the person who has the time and is at home. In my house, that's me.

I think that you're a courteous/thoughtful husband when you clear her plate on occasion. But when you do it so much that you feel like you're being taken for granted, it's time to stop and have a conversation. Like you said, she's an adult and a part of the household.

Everyone in the house has an interest in keeping it clean. Really, it doesn't matter who made the mess. Everyone helps. I also don't think you should have to remind adults about what needs to be done (ie put their dirty dishes in the dishwasher). If a mess stresses her out then she can work off some of that stress by cleaning up!

I have no idea. I have zero experience with officially diagnosed issues. (My MIL has many issues but has never sought treatment or diagnosis to my knowledge). Anyhoo...

I suppose I am not a people pleaser. Because I don't have that problem. I don't even work at home, (I'm not a WAHM, "just" a SAHM) and I don't feel any urge to pick up my husband's messes. I am a homemaker, not a maid. I don't see any reason that he can't put his dirty socks in the hamper 2 steps away, instead of leaving them on top of the bed, where he took them off. Same goes for the strings of dental floss I find lying in various places---the floor (where it wraps around the vacuum bristles), the bed, the sofa, just wherever he happened to be flossing his teeth while watching TV. Umm... that's just gross.
I also find his "stuff" all over the house... his watch could be in 15 different places at any given time of any given day. Same with his wallet, his phone, his ipod, his keys. And then he gets all irritable when he can't find something when he is in a rush to leave home, and has the attitude that everyone should jump up and help him look for it. :/

So, no, I don't feel helpful about that sort of thing. I get irritated by it. Either he wasn't raised properly (and it really is not a "wifely" thing to do to try to "raise" your husband, they sort of don't like that kinda behavior) or he's just lazy. Either way, I can't fix it. So I TRY to ignore it.

As far as the dinner plates, my husband has made it our kids' jobs to do that. AND clean up the kitchen. They are old enough, and they need to learn to contribute to the necessities of life in a family. We don't want spoiled adults for children later on. We want them competent and ready to move out on their own at the appropriate time, and stay there, successfully.
:)

As for being over-sensitive about it? You might be hyper AWARE. Is that what you mean? Being Fair is all a matter of what YOU think is fair. It is very subjective.

I don't think it's so much that you're a people pleaser (with HER specifically). It's more like...you're a nice guy, you like your home and family to be in harmony, and if clearing her plate and taking care of the little things (at no massive extra effort on your part) gets you to that nice, stressless place, then, yeah, you'll go ahead and do it. She may not throw you a party every time you do, but she probably DOES appreciate it.

I'm the same way with my husband. I do all the little things around the house that keep it running smoothly (as well as all the big things the NEED to get done). Of course, I don't work out of the house AT ALL, so this is my job. My husband shows me his appreciation by rubbing my back when I'm tired or bringing home dinner from a takeout place when I JUST DON'T WANT TO COOK anymore. So it's those little things we do for each other that really keep this place happy and harmonious. Sounds like you might be the same way in your household.

I don't pick up after my spouse because she now makes more than I do. I pick up after her because I love her and want to make her smile.

I grow plants in the garden because its what she likes and what I like. She is on an organic health kick and since I don't use chemicals, she loves my home grown produce.

Good luck to you and yours.

I dunno , I do things like that cause I like to. It's not really a big deal to me. It just one of those things you do. I was taught you help where you can. Even if its something as simply putting away a plate or grabbing an extra napkin on your way to the table. It's just kind of a simple small way to say I love you , I care about you.

No, I don't think it's people pleasing.

People pleasing, by my definition, is when you are pleasing people and sacrificing your own happiness.

Helping, from a co-dependent point of view should always go something like this: I have no problem helping you do whatever; however, when helping you begins to make me unhappy I can stop at anytime without suffering some sort of consequence from you. Helping you should be an enjoyable experience for you AND I. If I stop enjoying it for whatever reason, I can stop with no consequence from you. Co-dependents sometimes have a tough time determining when to stop because they aren't really sure what makes them happy, and not necessarily the best at asking for what they want and need. Boundaries tend to be non-existent. Unfortunately, codies tend to latch onto those who have NO problem taking advantage of that. I'm not saying that's the case with you, just in general.

So in your case, cleaning up the dishes is cool, as long as you do not mind and your wife doesn't expect you to do it because why? She can do it herself. There's nothing wrong with doing that.

I think you start venturing off into enabling when you are: EXCEPTED to do for others. You cannot stop without suffering some sort of consequence, and you do not enjoy it. You're doing it for the happiness of another person (see people pleasing). Helping benefits both people. Enabling benefits only one.

So do I do more at home because my husband works? Yes and no. There was time he expected me to do more, beyond the scope of being a SAHP just because I'm home all day. It was a new thing for both of us, so it took some tweaking.

For example: I'll wash his clothes. That's within the scope of being a SAHP in this house. Ironing his work clothes for the week is me helping him. There was a point that he expect that, and I had to explain to him that I'm helping him out, and I'm not going to do that all the time.

Whenever you're feeling resentful, it's time to talk.

Great explanation of what goes on in your head, and it is exactly the same as goes on in my head, but not just related to husband but also teens (12 and 15). I have always though of it as a "training" issue - if I keep doing everything for everyone then they will never know how to do it themselves, or even appreciate when someone does it for them. BUT my big realization has been: everyone "sees" different things and finds different things important. For instance I can block the staircase with a basket of laundry and my husband will step over it and never even consider it might need to be taken up/down. But he will walk in and notice instantly that there is a new scuff mark on the wall that I honestly did not even see until he pointed it out. So while we both like clean things, I see the laundry and he sees the wall needs touching up and we both were blind to the other's HUGE trigger. Only after dealing with annoyances and some bikkering did we finally understand the other's view. I also think that BOTH partners need to be willing to give 100% in order to even come close to a 50-50 distribution. For that reason we have found it simplest to divide the work along fairly traditional lines : mom has inside responsibilities (laundry, cooking, floors, kids clothing and baths, homework, etc.) and dad has outside duties (garbarge, yard, painting, carpentry, cars, etc). Notice that laundry and painting fall under the domain of the one who finds it important. Neither of us gets to really sit around and do nothing (except when we ignore all the things that need doing on purpose), so neither of us feels taken for granted.
We do have a "family rule" that everyone at least scrapes their own plate clean into the trash and puts it into the dishwasher. Perhaps by discussing what both of you think are areas that could improve the family harmony you can come to understand the other's point of view. Another big realization that took a long time to sink in for me is something my husband used as a mantra when I was getting him to tidy up his messes: "the house is here for us, we are not here for the house". Could be used as an excuse to be a pig and live in a mess, but on the other hand keeps the tidying from becoming overly compulsive or controlling. It is all give-and-take.
Congratulations on being a recovering alcoholic, and I love hearing a dad's point of view.

I dont think it is a big deal, my hubby sometimes picks mine up because I get up to do something, usually for the kids, and then I forget. Even though hubby makes more than I do, we still both do things around the house. I may be home all day, but I dont always get stuff done, so when he gets home he will help. I think they things you are doing for her are just from being a nice caring husband, and are part of your personality, most likely part of the reason she fell for you in the first place! I too am somewhat of a people pleaser, I am always doing for others what I hope someone would do for me sometime if I was in their situation. I watch my kids kids if my friends are sick or tired and need some down time, I will stop and help the older person load thier heavy items in the car in costco or grocery parking lot, I will stop and make ice tea/lemonade and take out to hubby while he does yard work, make meals for sick friends, ect. You sound like a great person!!! Not too many men that would and do the things you seem to! Keep doing what you are doing, it is who you are!

Mr. Momwithcam sounds much like Mrs. Dadonpurpose. My husband uses the same reasoning (EXCUSE) for not helping with the chores. He does work long hours, but at the same time so do I. I leave the house before he is awake and come home and do all the usual mom stuff. He does leave in the morning, but just not as early. Because of his long hours, I am pretty much a single parent, because he doesn't come home on average until 10 or 10:30 at night. He worked long hours before he had a wife and I hope he didn't marry me to clean up after him.

Before the little one, I used to make sure he had some sort of dinner, whether it was a prepared meal or a sandwich. But now with the little one, my time is divided differently. So if I cook, I make sure there is enough for him. I do his laundry and the majority of all the other house work. However, I think he is capable of taking care of himself, so I don't carry his laundry up, he has to grab it on his way up the stairs and put it away. After all, I washed it for him. I don't pick up his plate, although he often just puts it in the sink unless I catch him at the moment and ask that he rinse it. So that is pretty much how it goes here...you get the picture? If he can get away with it, he will hope I do it. If I catch him, I make him do it. It is kind of like another child, but after 15 years, that is just his personality. I forgot to mention, his cooking sucks to the point that no one will eat it. If he had free time, I would stick him in a culinary school! So no help in the kitchen.

As for income, my take home pay is significantly less than his pay. On the other hand, my income is needed to support all of the activities he likes to be in. As well, I carry the family benefits. In our house, income has never played a role in reasoning.

My question to you, is your wife's job more stressful or tiring? Only after a hard or bad day do I see a reason to pick up after her.

I don't talk about my work at home, so my husband thinks he is the only one who has stress. I just refuse to bring it home. During the summer I do feel bad for him working in the LV heat and do extra stuff for him, but I really believe he should be able to take care of himself.

I think people who work from home get cheated. Everyone seems to forget they are working.

It sounds like you are feeling like what you do for each other is not an even trade off and you have balanced it with income. If that is the case, you should not feel that way and should let her do it herself. If nothing else, she should be responsible for cleaning up after herself.

I think someone once said here on MP something really smart and simple that stuck with me since. It was along the lines of your at home "job" (responsibilities) is essentially a second job, completely independent from your income "job" and deserving the same attention and respect. Meaning everyone does what needs to be done to keep the home life in order regardless of any other jobs or duties. Obivously this needs to be fine-tuned for all the crazy work schedules out there. But what I took from it was that most of us, as families, have very full plates regardless of how much we earn or if we "march off to work" each day. But the house still needs to be functional. Period. And everyone living there should pitch in physically, not just financially.

So with that in mind for your situation, no matter how much she makes, she STILL needs to do certain things around the house to contribute. If she doesn't clear her plate and it bugs you, do it. No big deal. But hopefully it's not EVERY plate for every meal and that she is contributing in other ways to play a part to keep things functioning. A balance. Doesn't have to be "His" and "Hers"/"Mine" or "Yours". Just a balance that works. (Just a small example how things go around my house. Husband puts in a load of wash. I put it in the dryer. He gets it out and puts it in a basket. I fold it, except for his socks - there are just too many LOL, he puts all the clothes away, but not the linens because he doesn't do it the way I like it. ;) It's not always the same, just get done one way or another.)

And without having an actual clinical/professional opinion on the co-dependant stuff, I'd say this balance idea rolls over directly into this. If you find that the "extras" are really often and really feeling overdone, then stop and take a look at the big picture to make sure you're not overextending. This won't benefit anyone, like you mentioned.

It's good you're thinking about this stuff and trying to sort out it's importance in the grand scheme of things - not the easiest task.

P.S. Sorry, like my answer wasn't long enough, but just realized how well my office motto works here too: Communal vs. Hierarchical. Nails it in a nutshell.

I am a SAHM, but even when I worked full time as a teacher, my husband ran circles around the income I contributed. I am a people pleaser too. (I am a middle child, so pacifying/pleasing others comes with the territory!) I do most of the cleaning, laundry and other household duties on a regular basis. I am not a neat freak, but I do crave order so it just makes me feel better to keep up with the chores every day. My husband does all of the yard work (except for my flowers and such) and he will help clean up, change diapers, etc. etc.
My mom had foot surgery last Friday and her recovery has been quite slow, so I spent all weekend taking care of her and her household needs completely. My husband cleaned our house and did all of the laundry! It was such a blessing because I couldn't have taken care of two households on my own.
So sometimes I feel like you-am I the only one picking up after spouse and kids?? Then situations like this occur and makes me realize we truly are working together as a team. We people-pleasers just need to learn how to speak up when we feel like we need help or being taken advantage of. Many times the other person isn't even aware that it is causing you grief!
Another thing I can suggest is the book The Five Love Languages. When I read this post it made me wonder if your love language is acts of service. You feel most appreciated/loved when other people do things for you. Other languages are words of affirmation, receiving gifts, physical touch and quality time. It is an interesting read and might help shed light on how you and your spouse express your love the best.
HTH,
A.

Cleaning up a bit during the day seems like a fair part of a SAHP's job description. But cleaning up at the end of a meal could be more of a team effort. Like Christy Lee said, you can ask for specific help. Can you put the dishes in the sink while I store the leftovers and Kid A loads the dishwasher? And then we can all go for a walk/out for ice cream/put our feet up and watch a movie- faster.
It doesn't quite work that way in my house. We usually leave the dishes until midnight, and then while I'm loading the dishwasher I tell my husband who is relaxing on the sofa, I have room for 3 plates and 2 cups, is there anything near you? And he'll accept the challenge and see if he can fit more than that in, and then start the dishwasher.

When my husband and I first met, he didn't always brush his teeth. It wasn't important to him growing up, so he had a lot of cavities. I would remind him, and give him a back rub while he brushed. Now he doesn't have to be reminded any more. He knows I changed his habits, and is grateful for it. (I can tell because he tells this story to our son when he complains about brushing).

All I can say is I make significantly more than my husband and I'm the one who cleans up after him and in the house way more... So I don't think it's about the money vs how clean one spouse likes things versus the other... Or it's about traditional gender roles and I think your wife is lucky you're not being nitpicky about that!

Are you doing it because it's just a nice thing to do for your spouse or are you doing it for something in return (praise, because she complains, etc.)? I think there's a difference in doing something because you want to be nice vs you have to fall all over yourself to please them. If I set the coffee pot for DH and he wakes up to a fresh pot, that's just a nice thing. I don't do it because he makes more money.

I think you can look at the behaviors and decide what you expect to get out of it - and if there's, say, fear of being reprimanded by her or a deep need to have praise or reward, then reconsider those things. If you just clear the table because you want to, and because you and your wife are a team, then don't worry about it.

I am sure most AH people feel completely used at some point. Why are you rationalizing? I am confused. I will pick up my huisband's clothes from the bedroom floor(he leaves for work in at 1 am and often lets them lay where they fall!). It sounds like to me that you 2 need to have a talk about what the other's expectations are regarding housework.