Age question...dating, Pregnancy and Life..

Well, it's def not the best case scenario, is it?

But I don't think it would need to be tragic either.

If a kid is 18 dating a 30 year old, we can have all the fits we want, doesn't matter kid's an adult (hahaha), so having fits will only push them away.

There are a lot of bumps in the road of parenting, things don't go as planned, wrenches in the spokes all the time. I guess this IS the mother of all wrenches, though.

A pregnant 18 yr old girl has many different options. So I think if her mom freaked out and had a fit, it might inhibit mom's ability to guide her to whatever mom thinks is the best choice. Pregnant girl will feel unloved unsupported, alone, and will not be willing to take any advice from freaked out mother.

So what would I do? Well, I guess I'd keep communication wide open, not make judgement, continue to parent my daughter (who IS an adult), in a back door sort of way, non threatening, and continually think to myself, and say aloud, 'We'll get through this TOO, as a family'. I think we could handle even THIS as a family.

:)

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I just pray and pray pray pray pray that I raise my daughter well enough that this would never happen. Maybe Im naive, but PLEASE God no!

But to answer your question, I would stand by my kids even if it kills me.

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There is nothing I could do besides help my child the best I can.

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My answer has too many questions, so it's not an answer at all.
Did daughter mature up after the baby? Did she graduate hs? What is the baby's daddy really like? Does daughter have a goal in mind? Does the baby's dad play a role in it's life?
20yr old daughter with 30yr old man doesnt sound near as bad as 18 and 30. It is unorthodox for sure, but doesnt mean that daughter is doomed. There are many factors to consider....

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I think I would initially be upset that I did not teach my daughter better!
Or make sure she was on birth control -- especially if she was dating a 30 year old man.

Nothing "magic" happens at age 30, maturity-wise. I know mature 30 year old men, financially independent 30 year old men, immature 30 year old men and 30 year old men that live at home--it IS kind of the trend nowadays to live at home a LOT longer.

Hopefully I would personally know the 30 year old man that my 18 year old was sleeping with by the time they made a baby!

I think a lot of parents find themselves in this situation and freak out initially. In the end they probably mostly choose to help and support their child in any way they can. :(

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There are a few different questions though.....why does he live with his parents? My uncle lived with my grandparents, but they weren't supporting him. He paid rent, had a car payment, did alot of the stuff around the house that they couldnt do.
The age thing is tricky. My hubby is 14 years older than me. But I dont think at 18 I would have been intereseted in him. Some men take longer to mature than otheres.
If my daughter was dating a 30 year old I dont think Id be happy with her at 18. If he got her pregnant Id probably want to make a Eunich out of him. But I would hope that he would support the child.

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Oh Lawd, what a loaded question for a Friday morning!

Well, if a 30 year old man was still living at home and not living on his own (probably also doesn't have a great job considering...), then I would rate his maturity level closer to my teenage daughter and the age gap wouldn't "seem" as big of a deal. With that being said, I would still feel very uncomfortable with it, and I'd at least make sure she was on some kind of birth control. And, I'd probably try to get to know him better. But pregnant too? I'd support her the best I could and love her no matter what.

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I have a few thoughts. While I was an 18/19yr old dating a man 11-12yrs older, he still had his own place. However, if he had to do it all on his own (meaning he'd never gotten married & divorced), I'm pretty sure he'd have still been living with his mom. He was a nice guy, my parents really liked him. He treated me well. He was super sweet. He had a 6yr old boy from his marriage. The way I look at it is, if he's a super guy that treats the daughter really well, what difference does it make if he's living with his parents or not? If you don't know the situation as to why... You can't assume the guy is a bum. My uncle (just turned 41) was living with my grandmother (in her 70's) to help her financially AND get her to Dr's appts and such. My grandmother was nearly 40 when she had my uncle.

I also know men here where I work that are working and going to college to get a degree in Mechanical Engineering. Most places want to see a Bachelors. Many still live at home because it's expensive to pay for school... No time to mow the lawn or whatever normal things you have owning a home (with full classes & full time work). There are a TON of things my husband and I have to do for our home, cars, kids.... Neither of us could afford college. Monetarily and physically speaking. Most parents aren't going to charge their kids as much rent as they would have to pay in an apt or home rental agreement.

It's not the 50's & 60's when people could get a really decent paying job without a 4yr+ degree. If you don't have some kind of degree or vocational backround, you're only making $10/hr at best. That doesn't pay the mortgage, utilities, food, car, and all the little necessities one needs. It just doesn't.

I would learn about this person before I made any judgements.

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I think this would call for alot of conversations with my child first and then the manchild(30yo). I would ask if she has a plan, if she is really in love with the man, if she plans for him to be involved in the upbringing of the child, is she planning on asking for child support, what does she know about the guy...is he employed earn a good wage?taking care of his parents? paying them rent? moved out but moved back when a solid job went up in smoke and he has tried to find gainful employement but lost his apartment? I would talk through all the questions to find out as much about the man as possible. Then in turn invite him over for a dinner and to spend a day with your family. He should be open, respectful, and willing to answer questions because at this age your daughter impacts your life unless you tell her to find a job and get an apartment. If their relationship is a relationship and he has just fallen on this hard economy..give him a chance. However if he is a mooch, he will always be a mooch, do not invite him to live at your house to be a "family" with your daughter. I would however discuss financials of child support, make sure your child knows that racing into marriage for the sake of a pregnancy would be so incredibly wrong and that she has made an adult decision to be pregnant so she needs to work on adult ways...job, lining up daycare, getting her education complete so she can make a living wage to support herself and her child. Remind her that if something happened to you tomorrow you would not want to see her homeless with a newborn. So for whoever the situation is for they have a tough road ahead as it's hard to be a Mom in a complete situation for the first time but harder without a solid income, man to share it with and a good plan for the future.

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What can you do once she's a pregnant "adult?" Help her out with the baby, I guess. You won't need to worry about trusting her any more, she's going to be too busy taking care of a baby to do anything else.

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I would not be impressed he got my daughter pregnant. He should definitely know better than to get an 18 year old pregnant. As far as living with his mother...a friend of ours lived with his parents until he got married at age 35 however he had about 15 rental properties and owns a beach house. Him and his wife just purchased a 5000+ sq ft house on 10 acres just outside of Phila. Fyi...he is a Plummer. While most of us were accumulating debt by going to school he was buying rental properties and working a ton of hours. His goal was to be able to retire by 40 so he could be around to watch his kids grow up.
EDIT - IMO he took advantage of her. My husband never would have been a willing participant in having me get pregnant before he married me.

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Ah, well...my husband is 17 years older than I am. I know, don't fall off of your chair! He is an overall good guy and we are happy. I got pregnant at 19 with our first...my parents were mad, but they supported us. And they love him now. Took a little bit of time, but they do. It all worked out. If my kids do it, I think I'd be upset! LOL

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I think that I would have a meeting with his parents. I would ask them why their grown son had not flown the nest like he should have. And then I would ask them what they wanted for his son, my daughter, and the grandbaby.

I would also take them some information written by credible sources about what happens when parents don't push their kids to be independent, but enable them to continue to sponge off of their parents.

What they say would determine what I would do from there. I assume this young woman has stars in her eyes and wants to continue the pregnancy and perhaps wants to marry this man. I would not fight it, because she likely wouldn't listen to me. But I would accept the possibility that at some point, she will be wanting to come home.

D.

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My husband is 12 years older... I would NOT have dated him when I was 18!! I was floored when he finally proved how old he was when we first started dating, I thought he was joking... he doesn't look his age at ALL, he looks much younger. Now, I'm 27 and he's 39 (hee hee hee! He'll always make me feel young!!), but when I was 18... that would have been CREEPY.

My daughters aren't allowed to date until they're 34 anyway ;)

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I would help and support my child at any age at all costs :)

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a. she is now an adult and is legal so while the age difference is weird, I have dated guys that are 12 years older than me. Not when I was 18, but then I wasn't dating anyone at 18, I didn't have time for guys, I was busy saving the world lol.

b. I have heard many people on this forum and met plenty in real world who are currently living with relatives. Siblings sharing houses. Kids moving back in with parents. It's like college all over again. Nobody can afford to pay for their homes all by themselves anymore. 5 years ago I would have said Looser. Today . . . I'd probably shrug my shoulders and thank my lucky stars I have the place I do.

Now if it were MY daughter and not just some hypothetical girl, it would probably be a whole different story. I have told my kids that while someday I want to be a grandma, I have no intention of raising their kids. When they get older I will tell them the same thing that I was told,

Protection fails, so do not have sex with a person unless you are ready to take care of a child and make sure it is with a person that you are willing to associate with for the rest of your life.

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Oh C. Your question is almost my real life right now...not my real life...my housemates real life.

He is my age...28.

He is totally smitten with our neighbor girl....who literally just turned 18, graduated from HS and is starting Community College in the fall.

Her Parents are livid...They are not yet dating, nor do i think they will follow through with any of their feelings.

I hope.

You may think I have too much time vested in their lives...but he is my best friend and she is someone who looks up to me and we get along amazing.

I have counseled my friend to just let life be at the moment...That if they truly like each other as much as I keep hearing, they would be able to just enjoy the company of each other and keep things simple, until her dad is not ragin Cajin about this one.

He is not technically living at home, he lives with us...AND the ONLY reason he is not working right now is because Borders just closed his store and the jobs they were promised else where faded away....lies they had been told.

So if it was ME and my daughter or even if it was my 30 year old son....I dont know...I know that once you are older..Love has no age limit(as long as it is legal)...If she wanted to play grown-up though and get pregnant, I think I would have to insist she not be living at my house......That she needs to go be grown up with her man.

Not a great answer...but when Life imitates the question..sometimes great answers are hard to find from the situation.

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It wouldn't bother me if my 18 year old was dating a 30 year old as long as he was successful and normal. It is neither successful or normal for a 30 year old man to live with his parents. BIG flag there! I would make no bones about my thoughts on a 30 year old man living with mommy and daddy.

If they then had a baby together, even if we had to go to court, he would need to be financially supportive of the baby. If they're dating, they need to get their own place. Very clear custodial and child support arrangements need to be legally made if they're not getting married soon.

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It would depend on several factors for me. Like if here were at home but had a stable job etc, then that would be different than a bum at home sponging off mom and dad. Like latin people often stay home until they marry, but they work. As far as my daughter being pregnant, I would want to know immediately what were this man's intentions with my daughter and my husband would be finding out! The age difference is not awesome, but not deadly either and I would want to know if he was intending to marry her etc and if she wanted marry him. If they wanted to "date", ie have sex and have babies and not marry while both living at home I would not be cool with that. I would not want to finance people who were doing everything to have children but not taking the responsibility to care for them. Can't let folks play house on my dime. So in answer to your question, I think I would tell my daughter she needed to make some grown up decisions bc she was now in the grown up world, was she going to marry this guy or break things off. If she wanted to do the dating thing and live at home and was working and paying her own bills etc, I guess there would be little I could do, but I suspect that her parents are paying and if that were the case I would say it was time to plan a wedding or call things off. That's what I think I would do, boy what a tough situation!!