After Prom Party

Hi V.,

First of all, Congratualtions to your niece for having the courage to take care of hersel.

Secondly, She would benefit from attending an Alateen meeting in your local area.

Thirdly, You also need to be congratulated for being a responsible adult.

Fourthly, There is a new thought about getting groups together to make decisions that help hold people accountable for their actions.

I would suggest that you contact ###-###-####

and tell them you would like to have a meeting with some folks who where involved in this incident.

See what they say. In this way, you will be demonstrating responsible concern and hold everyone accountable for their actions.

For your future reference, check the web at www.iirp.org

Good luck and God Bless. D.

It sounds like you are your niece's legal guardian? If not, why aren't her parents involved in this issue? I think they should be the ones to handle it. If they aren't around, then it's up to you.

Your niece is definitely mature and handled this well.

If it were me, I would talk to the parents about the missing medication. That is serious. So is allowing underage drinking in their home. Were the parents even there? How could they sleep through kids drinking? In my opinion, I think you should talk to them about the drinking and tell them why your niece won't be hanging out over there or with their son anymore. Maybe they weren't there, and they don't know what was going on.

I would never go to sleep or leave the home while there was a party going on with both boys and girls in my house. That's unthinkable in this day and age.

ok, Just a question, I was never a partier so I have no idea. People seem to be coming down very hard on the parents for going to sleep, but i'm wondering, did you expect them to be part of the party all night long? I'm assuming this gathering wasn't something that was planned to be over with at 2 am or something. Perhaps something more along the lines of kids hanging out until some time early morning.
So short of frisking all the kids,or refusing to allow trouble makers to even be invited, what were they supposed to do? Again i'm making a big assumption that these are nice kids, who may have made some seriously wrong choices this night, but hadn't really been trouble in the past. Your niece knew these kids well enough to expect them to behave right? And it isn't one of those situations where the host parents were passing out shots???
I hope this doesn't sound ingorant, i'm just wondering what it is safe to let my kids do when they are this age. And what would be expected of me if i tried to host something like this for my kids friends.
If my assumptions are right and the dates parents, were trying to be responsible, they just wrongly and naively trusted the kids, then I Do think they should be told. If this isn't something they would normally allow then i'm sure they would want to deal with it. If this IS something they knew would happen or that they had a hand in, then, just keep your niece as far away from this people as possible.
She sounds like a good kid.

Well what I think is even more imperative is whether or not her date's parents supplied the alcohol or not. It seems to be a growing trend among parents to think it's ok for them to supply alcohol at their teens party with the excuse that "they will only drink anyway and atleast we know where they are!" This is such a lame excuse! There is a reason for why we have an age limit for drinking in this country. Talk to the parents and see what they say. Then if the answer is yes encorage her to find new friends

Sounds to me like everything is already "worked out" b/c she's not allowed to go there again, she 's disillusioned with him anyway, and the parents cared SO much about the behavior that they fell asleep. I don't know that your comments would make any difference to them anyway and may brand your neice as a "troublemaker" with her peers. I'd continue to discuss with her how she made exactly the right choices, took the right actions, and made you proud. Good luck!

Hi V., First of all, it is a great compliment to you that she trusted you enough to call you. Secondly, your niece is a fabulous young lady. I am a teacher and most kids would not have the confidence to get help in this situation; they just would have stayed at the party. I would not call other parents unless your niece feels that is the right thing to do. It would betray her confidence, and then next time she might not call you. You are lucky to have such a great relationship with such a great kid! :)

I think it was unecessary for you to "ban" her from the house...it sounds like she wouldn't opt to go back there, and she already handled herself well and made great choices.
Now you know you can trust her in those situations.

If you want to deal with this properly, make a police report about the medication. Then it won't be your neice resposible for "ratting" about the drinking, etc...she can claim she was forced by you or her parents because of the meds. Also, one of those kids taking her meds could have potentially damaging, if not fatal results. The police will sort the rest out. Doesn't matter if it was pain meds or allergy meds. Still dangerous. I'd call the police. The parents of the host will have to answer to them.
Good luck!

V. D I assume that you have custody of your niece, Not that it matters. You should feel very lucky that your niece feels comfortable enough to confide in you about things like this. Most kids that age do not confide in anyone. If I were you just so you do not lose that connection with your niece, sit down and talk to her again about both of your feelings and what actions you both feel should take place. Maybe you can come to an agreement on which actions to take that will satify both of you. I forgot to say I know you are very proud of her as you should be. Good Luck and keep that line of communication open with her.

I would definitely call or visit (probably visit in order to show confidence and calm control- if they think they can hide out "sleeping" and allow kids to endanger their lives by drinking in their home-confront them) the date's parents and let them know you were very disappointed in their lack of supervision and enabling underage drinking in their home. If you had known this was happening you a) would not have had your niece there and b) would have called the police.

As for your niece feeling disappointed in her friends, encourage her not to take it personally. She is not responsible for other people's actions and she's old enough now to know that many people will be drinking from now on-legal or not. This has been the case in high school for decades-some kids do it, some kids don't. She can't expect her friends to live up to her standards. She needs to do what she knows is right and not feel bad about herself and not stress out about other people. She always has the choice not to hang out with them anymore. After prom, there's not much school left. Thank god! She'll have to choose friends based on common interests and values going forward, why not start now! I remember sometimes feeling awkward that I wasn't partying like the "cool" kids in my school, but I never felt mad at them or awkward around them. I even hung out with them. She just needs to feel OK about herself. Congrats on her being such a good kid!

As for the meds, water under the bridge. No way to find out who took them. Kids are total pill poppers and cleptomaniacs, especially at parties where it's OK with the parents to drink underage. She shouldn't be carrying them around to those environments in the future! Which she won't be, I'm sure.

You sure have a smart cookie in your niece. I can only hope to have the same relationship with my daughter when she is older!

I would not contact the parents. In the long run, I think it might cause problems for your niece. I realize that that might sound cowardly, but the reality is that teenagers can be very, very cruel.

Bottom line is that you want to raise your daughter to be responsible for herself. Sounds like she is.

Good luck!

T. :)

V. D,

I agree...keep on praising your niece for having such a good head on her shoulders and for calling you. Keep supporting her as she works out the social issues at school. I have mixed feelings about calling the parents...while it would be the right thing to do, in so many ways, it also may create much worse issues for your niece.

Good luck!

Hi V.. Four stars to your niece that she followed her common sense and got out of the party before "something" happened. This is a prime example of why structured "after prom" parties are a good idea. In my hometown the PTA/PTO puts together after prom activities for all the kids. They usually get "locked in" a local bowling ally or social hall to enjoy food, games, and more dancing...all supervised by dedicated parents and teachers in a drug/booze free enviroment. There are prizes donated from local businesses, and the kids have a great time all night off the streets and safe. Our tradition of going to one of the local theme parks the next day (after a couple of hours of sleep) is also still going strong. (We don't have school picnics like most schools in this area do.) One other thing I have noticed is that most prom's in this area end really early...10pm. What are kids supposed to do? To spend all that money, energy and time for an event like prom only to have it end in just a couple of hours? Hmmmm I think this just sets up situations like the one your niece encountered. It's too bad that both of you were let down by her friends and their parents, but you can't change it now, all you can do is go forward. I would call the parents in question and express (calmly) your disapointment/concern if for nothing else than their own information. Best wishes.