After Day Care Transition

My two kids, age 4 and 1, have both been in full time daycare since they were 3 mos old. I have been through phases of having the same issues. My opinion is that the kids are most comfortable at home and with mom or dad, so that's when their true spirit can come out - I can't tell you how many days I hear that they had a great day only to deal with meltdowns at home. I also parallel it to my own days of being exhausted after working all day and putting on a happy face for coworkers, customers, etc, but when I get home, I just want to decompress and I think our kids just don't know how to do that yet, resulting in said meltdown. And while, some days I know that nothing I do may appease them, I have found that a predictable evening schedule and making sure that I take time out to spend one on one time with each of them as many evenings as possible can really help.

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Sounds like she is tired. They start doing so much more about this age and are so active that she is probably just worn out. Maybe start doing a little quite rest time (like 20 minutes in her room with books or "resting her eyes") when she gets home and see if that helps. Also I have to say that it is just part of the age - 26 months is a prime age for tantrums regardless of what they have been doing during the day. Hang in there!

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Is she sleeping well at daycare? Is she really hungry when she gets home? Regardless, a whole day of daycare is a lot for a little kid and a loong day. My three-year-old son goes to daycare three times a week and comes home pretty wound up from playing with the other kids and from being "on" all day. Some might not agree, but what I find works is a little down time - from just chilling in front of his favourite cartoons to reading to spending a little time playing on his own or telling me about his day, these things help him wind down. It's hard now because I have 9-month-old twins who need my attention as well, so I tend to make them all dinner as soon as he comes home (would love to have family dinners, but my husband doesn't come home until after 6:30 p.m.) and then he chills in front of his favourite "toonies" while I get his his brothers ready for bed. I try to encourage him to tell me about his day when I get a moment, too... He was an early talker, though, so if your 26-month-old isn't holding conversations just yet, maybe time reading to her if you can or 30 minutes of chill time in front of the TV might work... anything just to wind down a bit... Also, two and a half is the magic age when all hell breaks loose during the terrible twos, not two - so maybe she's just hitting that age. Wish I could help more...

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My daughter is 2.5 and sometimes does this too. She loves her daycare, but I often notice this happens also after long periods with her grandparents who love her. My theory is that she has to be more on her best behavior when she is at school or with other people. Just like we need to unwind when we come home from work she needs that too after trying so hard to be good. They always say they are better behaved for others than for you because they are most comfortable with you. She doesn't know how to express that, and maybe doesn't even realize it, and is home with mom who she feels the most comfortable with so its just those emotions getting the best of her.

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I agree with the previous poster she sound either tired or hungry. If you have a snack and drink ready for her in the car that may help.

J.
Mom to Mara 9, Cate 7, and Olivia 6

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I experienced the same thing with my boys when they went to full-day day care. Tiredness was the problem, even if they slept well there. It is so stimulating that it jsut wears them out.

Put her to bed earlier than usual the night she goes to daycare. Perhaps a longer, soothing, bed-time routine. Warm bath, good long story, and straight to bed.

Picking her up with a snack is a great idea as well.

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Daycare is super stimulating for little ones. We kind of had similar issues. What worked for us was bringing a small snack for my son to eat on the way home, and something for him to drink. The snack was usually fruit (banana or berries), or a piece of cheese, or a few crackers (crackers last resort as they're kind of filling before dinner and not all that nutritious). That improved his mood enough and concentrating on it helped him relax. If he was wound up and fussy when we got in the house, we'd sit down and read a book. Somehow that was the magic trick. I think since we read every night to wind down, he just has an auto response to relax when we sit down together to read, and it's often what we have to do when he's in a state. Good luck, hope you find what works!

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She is tired. She is playing hard with the other kids. and needs to unwind a bit. That's what it sounds like to me anyway. Maybe she isnt napping well at daycare?

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Hi Mariella,

I am a preschool teacher and run my own program. I've also been a nanny as well and know firsthand how difficult pick-up transitions may be. I read a lot of the posts below and agree that daycare is a big day for little ones. While it seems like fun and play to us, play is the work of children and it is work to follow along with the group and their transitions throughout the day. Your daughter's actions are a very age-appropriate response.

Tantrums at this age, in my experience (and this is supported by brain science), often stem from frustration or bodily need. Tiredness, hunger, and a need for some time to one's self are often the key reasons I see for tantrums in younger children. This is not the same as an older child pitching a fit for a toy, so you don't need to correct this. These tantrums are just her feelings, tiredness and frustration coming out. I usually try to circumvent the situations that can cause tantrums first, and then, if a tantrum erupts, try to give support ("I know you are sad/mad") with boundaries ("It's okay to be mad, and I need to make dinner. If you want to yell, you can do that in your room." or "I need you to be in here until you can be safe with your body". ) I have found that tired children often need us to just leave them alone to be angry, and they usually come out when they are ready for hugs and comforting. When this is done lovingly (as opposed to "Go to your room, I can't stand this!"), it usually gives the child permission to move through their emotions.

In my parent literature, I ask that parents be focused only on the children at pick-up time. The child is ready to reconnect with their parent and so phone conversations or conversations with other parents should be concluded before we say hello to our children. Not everyone will agree with this, but my colleagues and I have discussed this in particular, as we have noticed more accidents and tears when parents linger to chat with each other than if they just pick their child up and leave at once.

Our children want to connect, so be available for them. I also ask that parents have a healthy snack ready in the car as well. There's nothing worse than driving home with an upset child who's hungry. Children get busy with playing and may not eat enough at daycare or preschool. And I suggest some unstructured playtime in their own space once they are home. This might be a place off the kitchen while you are cooking dinner, or some playdough to pound at the table. Many children are all done with taking turns and sharing by this time of day, so if you have multiples, consider trying to find each child a little space of their own.

Most importantly, I like to remind our families that tears at pickup really don't have much to do with us, their parents. I see older children who are upset at pick-up sometimes, too. When I was first nannying, I'd be hurt to see a child burst into tears at the sight of me when I was picking them up. As I matured, I realized that this is ALL about them and had nothing to do with me.

And yes, early bedtimes are definitely recommended.

If you have more difficulty with the transition while *at* the school, see if you can get your daughter's caregivers on board. In some cases, perhaps you can call the classroom when you are about 10 minutes away and let the teachers help your daughter transition out of playing and into her shoes and coat. I once led a toddler classroom where we actually handed a child out the door and into the hallway to their parent instead of having the parent come in to dress and ready the child for leaving. This helped her family immensely. Positive changes like these can sometimes help. Good luck!

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She may be tired or hungry. What time do you pick her up? How long is she there? Are there any new kids or caretakers with whom she may be having difficulty? Is there another baby or child who demands a lot of attention, is disrupting your daughter's sense of security? At 2 she's probably not interacting much with other kids. Is the day care allowing her enough down or alone time? Have they changed anything in her routine? What is their routine. How long is it between her last snack and when you pick her up?

Talk with the staff and see how her days go. Does she have meltdowns or tantrums there? How do they discipline? Does she sleep during rest times? She may be holding in her feelings at day care and then is able to let them out with you because you are safe.

Or most likely she is just tired and hungry. She's learning new skills. She's around other kids with different personalities. I remember being tired and cranky sometimes after work. Actually more often then I'd like to believe.

My granddaughter was in preschool when I was picking her up. I spent 15-30 minutes with her in the car before we drove away. I held her, listened to her talk about anything she wanted to talk about. Read a couple of small books, listened to a book on CD. Gave her one on one quiet time with me.

I suggest that if you can just spend some time holding her that might help. Perhaps have a light snack for her. It's a big transition for a little girl. You could try playing some soothing music on the way home.

Or once you get home include her in your getting dinner ready. Perhaps put her in her high chair in the kitchen and give her a light snack. Sing to her. Definitely do not require that she do anything. She is most likely tired and perhaps overly tired. And most of all keep the atmosphere positve and calm.

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I would just let her know that she will be coming back the next day and she may calm down. She likes daycare and she is not ready to go home. My two boys have done that.

She's two. Probably in a growth spurt, either emotionally or physically. Very normal.