Advise on How to Handle Friend Choice

I am a retired police officer. What you describe indicates the possibility of something being very wrong. It is extremely inappropriate for an adult man to have pictures of teens on his site. And the pictures would indicate the possibility of a lesbian relationship.

Teens do sometimes explore various approaches to sex. What the other girls are doing may just be exploration but to post the pictures on the Internet doesn't sound right. It has been my experience that teens who are exploring are unsure and so wouldn't be so blatant about it. Perhaps the pictures are a form of acting out their rebellion. This form of acting out is also not appropriate.

I would not permit my daughter to be at their house. I would talk with the mother and see if she knows about the pictures; both those of the girls and of her husband. I would ask her what the rules are at her house and how she enforces them. I would ask why the other girl is living with them. I would ask for the name and phone # of the other girl's parent(s). I also might talk with the Juvenile Division or Sex Crimes Division of the local police.

And most importantly I would talk to my daughter in a calm straigt forward manner about my concerns being careful to not be judgemental. Perhaps start by asking her what she thinks about this and really listen. Then tell her about your concern. Ask her who took the pictures. My main focus would be on the father's site and his pictures of teens and how this shows a highly probably possibility that he has a sexual interest in teens. Emphasize that you love her and it is your responsibility to protect her.

Having the girls at your house gives you an opportunity to observe them and become more aware of their personalities and interactions with each other and your daughter. I wouldn't quiz the other girls. Actually, I would try not to quiz your daughter. My daughter would clam up when I started what she called "20 questions." I knew enough to make me anxious but didn't really know what was going on until she was grown. Fortunately she has grown up to be a responsible adult and parent. While our kids are teens it's easy to feel like they are ruining their lives. I found it much easier to communicate with my daughter when I reminded myself that I needed to assume that she would use good judgement and would be more apt to allow me to participate in knowing about her life if I could remain calm and expect that she would work it out in an OK manner. Probably not the manner in which I would prefer but it would be OK. And it has turned out to be that way.

I just noticed that you have 2 teen daughters. Is the sister older or younger than the 15 yo. Will she talk with you about what is happening? She may be aware of things that she would like to talk about but won't bring up herself.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Raising teens is very difficult for most of us.

G.,

Before this incident has your daughter shown good judgment? This really sounds like teenagers acting out/rebelling and trying to assert their independence. I remember as a teen I had a few friends that did odd things, like girls kissing girls, just for the shock factor.

There are also many reasons for Teen A to move in with Teen B. The biggest one I remember is that Teen A may think that her parents are the worst parents in the world and could be running away. Teen A may also have been kicked out of her house by her parents for whatever reason.

If you prohibit the associations they will still go on, just without your knowledge. Have an open, honest conversation with your daughter and let her know how you feel. Also remember to LISTEN to what she has to say about theses two friends. You have your ideas and opinions, and so does your daughter.

This is a real sticky situation and I hope all works itself out.

Good luck,
Melissa

I would sit down with her and calmly explain that you believe in the "different strokes for different folks" but this makes you feel very uncomfortable and explain why. I just had to have a similar conversation with my 16 yo daughter. She can hang out with her friend when at other's houses but not at his (too many weapons). On her calling them Mom and Dad - personally I wouldn't worry about that too much. I often see teens do that with their friend's parents ( I have about 20 extra "kids"). Not sure why but I remember doing that too. I wish you so much luck on this one. When I read your situation all kinds of red flags popped up! The dad's web page spooks me. Go over with her again about proper behavior between adults and teens (boy that dad spooks me!) as well as age appropriate behavior between teens. Forbidding her to go over will most likely lead to rebellion and she would end up over there more. Pointing out the "danger" or the stuff that makes you feel uncomfortable and maybe suggesting a limit until you get to know the parents better would probably work a bit better.

You are in my prayers!!

It sounds very inappropriate! I wouldn't let her go over there anymore. If she wants to remain friends with the girls she should have them over to your house when you are there. It is good that you are paying attention. She is too young to realize that these "cool" parents aren't what they seem. I'm afraid she's getting in over her head at that house. She might be mad at you now but you need to protect her. When I was 15 I was involved in a similar situation and I had to call my dad to come rescue me from a friend's house when things got out of control! Good luck!

Dear G.:

What you are decsribing here is not an issue of kids hanging out with bad influences. BIG RED FLAGS here. This father is really off the charts. I think your daughter is in danger of being violiated if it has not happened already. This man is obviously more than inappropriate and maybe even getting these kids to do things that they should not. Actually this all sounds dangerous and illegal. I would immediately contact the police and explain the situation and give them the info that you gave us. Let them decide if there is a problem. Children displaying nakedness and sexual content on the web is child pornagraphy and is probably illegal besides being dangerous and just not OK. I would run, not walk to my police station right away, without my daughter even knowing it.

Good luck to you and I really hope that your daughter and these other girls are ok.

Big time red flag, but what a delicate situation. *Sigh* I, happily or sadly, just recently testified against a "fatherly" man who had a habit of taking young girls on his work trips after telling their moms he had his wife going. I became one of his victims and I wished to God my mom would have done something. Since he was so big in the church all she did was make him apologize and swept it under the carpet and STILL made me go over to their house when she needed to go somewhere. These are dangerous times, and your daughter may be angry with you, but I would so play it safe. I have sisters into...kinkier things and the lifestyles are terrifying to me. Many of the guys like to watch younger girls do things to each other. I am not saying this is what is going on, but it is beyond weird for a full-grown man to have a myspace page full of teenage girls and for his daughter to be acting that way. This is more than curiosity.

Sit down and talk to her. Explain to her your concerns and put your foot down. She may get mad - she may even rebel (anything is possible), but stick with it. I'd rather a mad daughter than a damaged one. Tell her that as adults certain things aren't appropriate like having a page like that and that it concerns you. That you trust her, but don't know how to trust that situation. Whatever you do do not make it about same sex relationships as she will instantly view you as intolerable (even if you don't agree). Perhaps she can spend time with her friend out doing things, but not at the friends house? Bottomline is that you can't pick her friends for her, but the parents house should definitely be a bigtime no no. I hope you find a solution!

these are the situations i dread- the scary part of being a mom. there are some good ideas on here, but i think it's likely your daughter and/or her new freinds won't want to come to your house and be supervised. at least, that's how it was when i was in HS.
if you continue to let your daughter go there, obviously it's important to keep your daughter communicating w/ you. try to listen and relate as much as you can (without being a 'friend'.) Talk about the messed up people out there, how to identify them, what to do. i would be careful not to start by accusing the father of anything- she likes this person- but have her prepared and alert so that she will be able to recognize the signs and know what to do if something seems weird or she is ever uncomfortable. encourage her to talk about relationsips, these girls, and boys/sexuality in general as much as you can so that she gains a comfort level and can talk about about that type of stuff w/ you.
however you can limit/reduce how much time she is over there sounds like a good idea. augment that by giving her better options and some focus on her future. your world is very small in HS and it can feel like these poeple are everything. try to get her out to cool places where she can envision her future, possibly meet new friends and see cooler paths her life might take. i thought the idea about visiting colleges was a great one. Does she have other friends you can arrange for her to visit after school sometimes? Is there something cool she would want to do after school where she might meet other friends and/or be too busy to hang out with these girls? (guitar lessons, sports/activities/clubs, art class, teen activity center, a job (when she is old enough)).

I read your "What Happened" and I give a thousand thumbs up for what you did. That was evry brave and I comend parents who put their children's safetly (emotional. metal, physical) first. You are the parents and it is your job to keep your children safe. Thank you for being the parent you are. I wish there were more like you out there!!!

Good job so far but I would even step it up again. Red Flags, Her father may be sexually inappropriate or sexually abusive. Both of her friends have been in a bad situation to where they think it's cool to take pictures or pose for pictures like that. Who's taking the photos? The father? You have your hands full. If they do come over you may want to have an informational book lying around w/ certain areas flagged or even left open for the girls to educate themselves. You could try to get the girls to open up to you to help. If I were you I would have a heart to heart with your daughter about the trouble and effort it would take for them to all be friends and the consequences of the friendship. Then set real strict boundaries for awhile. Hopefully, your daughter will put 2 and 2 together when you ask her questions and speak to her so she won't be mad when limiting her visits at your house and end the visits to their home. I'm so sorry she and your family have to deal w/ this. I think they may be able to stay friends but there would need to be boundaries to save her from this situation. I don't think there's anything wrong w/ young girls being curious about homosexuality but the my space and the dad having my space is alarming me more. Good luck.

Oh, I think you've just described those of us with daughters' worst fear. I'm really sorry. The worst is that she will still hang out there if you forbid her to go. I would talk with her about why you think it is inappropriate so she doesn't just think your being an old stick in the mud about same sex relationships or whatever. Sexuality is SO different for kids now. But I must say...unless your daughter has confirmed it, those pictures don't mean they are lesbians. Sadly but true - many girls act that way because they think guys like it. It's just like those two odd girls that are dancing and grinding on each other on the dance floor so every guy in the bar looks at them. Come on, we've all seen them. We knew what they were doing because we saw our date look at them too...but he then turned around and spoke with you, took you home, became your boyfriend and met your parents. And those two odd girls are still out there wondering why guys only take them home for one night.

The rules have changed and yet they haven't.

Anyway - off topic, sorry. I would approach it from that stand point...BOYS and INDEPENDANCE. Because she's 15 and that's what life is all about at that point. Do you think that she will be college bound? My Mom started taking me on college tours around this time to keep me focused and excited about life after high school. And she wasn't taking me to Yale and Harvard mind you. Just local state schools or private ones. It's all exotic at that point.

first of all I completely agree with you. I do not have teens yet but I do talk to my daughter about her intuition. If I don't like something that she is doing or involved with I tell her how I feel about it and then we talk about how she feels about it. Usually she feels the same way but is conflicted about what to do. So like everyone else has said huge red flags and keep communicating with your daughter.

G., it's OK to say no to your teenager! She may not get it now, and may even be mad for awhile, but you're doing it to protect her...not to punish her. There are way too many red flags with this new friend situation, and you need to let your gut guide you. This is a tough age for teenagers, as they want to fit-in, so they often make poor choices. Maybe, for awhile, you should only allow her to hang with these friends, at your house, while you're home...?

I don't have any profound advice, but perhaps you could set a boundary that she can't go over to her friends house anymore, but the girls would be welcome to visit her at your house. I would guess if they live with a dysfuctional family they probably need some good friends and role-model parents. As a side note, I called my best friends mom by "mom" when I was around that age, but it was more of a joke, like echoing my friend saysing "please mom!" when we wanted her to do us a favor like drive us somewhere.

Big Red Flags! I think I would try and figure a way out to not have my daughter go to their house after school everyday. The dad sounds like a pedophile and is totally unappropriate! And it's strange that the parents are letting these two girls live together with no boundaries what-so-ever. Children need and want boundaries...so you definitely need to give her some. I'm sure she will be upset for a while but you have to do what is best for her! And that is to keep her safe-and that situation does not sound safe at all! Good luck......

I have some similar issues, because I am very strict about the music and media my children are exposed to and other parents are not. I'm teaching my daughters when the inappropriate thing comes on, come home. I'm also cutting the amount of time they spend with their friends at their houses, where the inappropriate media is going on by keeping them busy doing other things.

As far as the other stuff you mentioned, I tell my girls what our values are, and that we don't do those things. It doesn't mean we're better than anyone else, but the fact is, bad company corrupts good morals. Everyone has choices.

I would talk to the parents and see if they will cooperate with you in what is appropriate and not for your daughters to see. If they don't listen, then I wouldn't allow them over there any more.

I think that you shouldn't forbid contact because of the whole mom said no so I'm going to do it anyway. all us mom's probably remember at least one thing that we did against our parents wishes. Problem is that this is something that is a real possible danger that will leave scars on her personality. that dad sounds creepy and trust your instincts. If you think he is bad, assume it until proven otherwise. So maybe a solution maybe, she is allowed to see the girls, but only at your home. explain the reasons behind it very clearly. the dad is not trustworthy. Maybe you could come up with some sort of activity night that the girls would look forward to at your house. that way you could keep an eye on them w/out being to "nosey"
If she wants to go over there, distract her somehow, a chore, activity, whatever it takes.
Oh and the whole mom & dad thing, now worries. I was raised on "mr jones" "mrs jones" .. proper titles.. I did that with my friends parents only cause it was easier. but it never hurts to ask her why she does it.

Most importantly, make time to spend with her one-on-one, keep the comunication open.

You are right to be concerned. Anyone who allows their teenager to have a sex partner move in is irresponsible. Think of the potential emotional problems for the kids if it doesn't work out. And if they let their kid do it they'd let your kid do the same stuff at their house if she went over for a visit. And the pictures of young girls on the dad's website....CREEPY! I would end all her contact with this family ASAP. You are doing a great job by monitoring her internet activities. That shows that you care alot for your daughter. She's lucky to have such a good mom. Remember
parents aren't supposed to be their kids best friend. There's plenty of time to be friends once they are well adjusted, independant, successful adults. H.

Hi G.,
I don't have teenagers, but I remember being one and I know that my mom let me make a lot of decisions for myself that maybe she shouldn't have. Then again, if she had tried to make me stay away from the 21 year old man that i was dating, i would have found a way to see him anyway. It's a catch 22... my mom says now that she let me be with him because at least she knew where i was and she didn't worry half as bad as she would have if i would have run away to be with him. I halfway resent this of her because this guy made me miss out on most of my teen years!
my point in telling you this is I guess you have to find a medium between keeping her safe and letting her learn on her own what her choices will result in. This "dad" seems like a loser who thrives on the attention of young girls. I'd say to warn her of the dangers, but she is 15. She's old enough to know right from wrong and she's had 15 years of your teaching... she'll eventually make the right choice and realize that something with that situation isn't right. I realized when i was 17 that my choices had gotten me no where, and I've realized in my late 20's that my mom was doing what she felt was right for me. I don't blame her... so I hope that this random advice helps a little:)
good luck and take care!

G., My Goodness. I like that you're so pro-active and involved. I'm sure you've explained to your daughter the reasons you feel the pictures were inappropriate and the reason for deleting the "dad" from her friends list - I think that's what caught my attention the most - a grown man with mostly teenage girls as friends on his my space spells TROUBLE! It's not normal and may be a grooming type of behavior, you never know. As for your daughter calling them Mom and Dad, I know that would hurt my feelings, but I think it's innocent, it could be that they insisted. I think I'd encourage her to have her friends over to your place more often than her visiting there (I'd question her visiting there at all). That would give you a chance to see for yourself what type of influence they are. It sounds like you could provide a more structured environment when they visit than what they receive at home. I'm not sure how well forbidding her to see her new friends would go but her safety is certainly first and foremost important. Find out what she likes about these girls and go from there. Maybe she's not sure she likes them at all but finds them interesting and they seem to like her.

Kudos to you for being a great mom! No matter what you decide to do. I'm sure she'll see the wisdom, if not now than in years to come. K.

Sounds like the father is a possible pediphile, and grooming these young girls. They are very clever at what they do. Forbidden fruit is always most desireable, so with your daughter, you have to be very careful not to forbid her to go over there. She may sneak and lie then. I would just try to keep very good communication with her, and look for opportunities to talk to her and get her opinion on things in a nonjudgemental way.Listen for what she's NOT saying..and keep your ears open to whether there's anything to worry about. How does she feel about same sex relationships? Talk to her. Give her the tools she needs to stay safe. I have 6 kids who have all taken different paths and made different choices. I've learned that I'd rather have you be honest and know what I'm dealing with, than tell me what I want to hear and lie to me. I can deal with the truth. What I mean by that is, don't alienate your daughter. Let her know your preferences and concerns, but let her make the friend choices. Perhaps you can figure out a way to have your daughter bring the girls over to your home more than she's over there. As for the father of the other girl, if the pics are concerning you, call and talk to a police officer to see what if anything they suggest. The father does pose a threat and I would not let my daughter spend the night over there. If she does go to their home to hang out, give her a time she has to be home. It will take a bit of genius on your part, but you can find ways to keep yourself in the loop.

Have you been talking with your daughter about it all? The more you communicate with her, the better your relationship will be. If you tell her she can't go over to that house anymore, out of the blue, she will not respond well. If you start talking to her now about it all and then explain after the fact that you don't want her in that home situation, I think she will respond better. But at age 15, the trust hasn't quite been built yet. The judgement is poor, and this is a good lesson in picking friends well. A good opportunity to talk about it all.