Advice with Adult Child Taking Care of Parent

Dearest B. - I am the daughter (in-law) that moved in with my mother-in-law when she became ill. It has been 10 years and it has been the hardest time of my life. I love my m-i-l and she loves me; but, there are no two women that do anything alike. My situation is different because my m-i-l is sick and I do have more control. I do try NOT to take over and always remember, it is her home, not mine. That is the truth, but, it gets in the way because I have created a "poor me" attitude. Don't let you or your daughter get to that point. Even though you were once a family, you are now only related, and living in the same house. Your daughter will feel that she is taking care of you and she will be the dominating female figure. BUT, you can't let her take over your live and you can not take over hers. Neither one of you can afford to lose who you are just because the other one is there.

YOU need to set some ground rules. It IS your home. Your situation helps your daughter as much as it helps you. One person should not control the other and it sounds like it could get that way for you. Even if you find it is not working out, it will not be easy for you to ask them to leave and it will not be easy for them to leave if they really feel you need them. Hence, the ground rules!

Ground rules should include regular chores, housecleaning, cooking, expectation for pets, respect for privacy, television time, share of utilities, share of food expense, lawn care, when is quiet time, what is yours is yours, what is mine is mine. You should not become their maid and cook and they should not become yours. It is very easy to "borrow" something from the other person and before you know it, it item is in someone else's room and them it is just gone. They have to respect your things and you theirs. It appears there will be at least 4 more people moving into your home. You have to set ground rules or you will be sucked into thier lives and lose your own.

I know it will be hard to do; but, do this before they move in. They will not want to lose their things so they will want room to put their things in your house. A house is only so big and you both may have to get rid of things; but, that is a two way street! Your daughter will be able to justify anything if she feels she is helping you. You will need to speak up and not let her take over your life. She will not do this to be mean, she will do it out of concern for you; but, you deserve to live your life too! So, it will be up to you to set the ground rules and let everyone know when they are not obeying the ground rules. The rules may need to change every now and then.

You may find a Saturday morning family meeting necessary at first to find out what is working and what isn't and make an action plan to see how the change is going to work. Your daughter's children will have issues that need to be addressed. This would be their time to freely express themselves and feel like they, too, are part of the family. We meet from 10 a.m to 11 a.m. - no phones, no tv and we don't answer the door. It is our family discussion time - and we never run out of things to discuss!

I know a lot of people are doing things they don't want to do right now just because of the economy. I wish you peace and that the Lord will bless your family.

God Bless You and you will be in my prayers. T.

1 mom found this helpful

B., my heart goes out to you. God will see you through the crisis that you are going through even though at times you may wonder where He is. I have been down this road with my parents. I always allowed my Mother (even at the age of 92 years old) to make her own decisions. It was still her life and her money even though she had become dependent on me. I always tried to look at it....."if this was me in her shoes". I would want my children's help......not them controlling me. I am hoping that if or when the day comes that I need my children's help that they will remember how I treated my parents and take that as an example on treating me or my husband. Right now you are in a very emotional state and you need to take care of yourself so that you can spent time with your husband. Take one day at a time. Ask the Lord for His wisdom for each day in what you should accomplish. You need to spend all the time you can with your husband and God will order your footsteps......not your daughter. God will tell you when to sell your house.....not your daughter. Stay dependent on God for His direction and peace. As a daughter (like your daughter) helping my parents, it was very emotionally draining on me. Hopefully, your daughter is trying to help you and not take advantage of you. Even though you need your daughter's help, she is just that......your daughter. You are still the Mother and the owner of the house. You must stay "in charge" of your life. Let your daughter know how you are feeling that she is controlling you. She just may be so concerned about your finances that she may not realize that she is coming on so strong. If you MUST sell your house immediately, then you need to do it at your pace. On your home equity loan, check to see if they can foreclose on your house. Not all home equity loans can do that. They really do not want your house so I hope they would work with you on making some sort of payments even if it is $5.00 or $10.00 a month.

Remember that God is your strength and your guide and a God of miracles.

First, let me say I'll be praying for you. I can only imagine how hard things are for you right now. Please try to keep in mind that however hard it is for you to adjust (and with everything going on it has got to be difficult) that it is an adjustment for your daughter and her family as well. You guys are going to fight and butt heads but just remember how much you love each other. That is what really matters

It sounds like you have different expectations as to when and how all of this is going to happen. May I suggest that you sit down together and each lay out your expectations and timeline, and then you can find some middle ground? When you know where each of you is coming from it should help ease the hurt feelings and resentment.

Good luck, let us know what happens!

Keep in mind your daughter is there to try to help you. I know you may be tired, but you may also, subconsciously, not really WANT her help. If you don't really want to move, you are going to resent any efforts she make to get your house ready. In this market, I'd say that she is right - get your house listed immediately. If could take months to sell and the small things to fix are probably not going to make a difference regardless. It sounds to me that she is right on. Waiting until you know what is going on with your dh may be just long enough to get totally over your head financially. If you are already delinquent on a loan, you can't afford to stay there.

As a child who offers substantial assistance to her parents, my mother takes my advice very seriously. She knows I can often see her situation more clearly since I am on the outside. I am not as emotionally attached to her house or her stuff, so I can make more rational choices.

Think about your daughter's motives. Is anything she is suggesting unreasonable? It sounds like you need her at this time - I wouldn't push her away.

I don't think you're wrong at all. You shouldn't try to sell the house until YOU are ready to. You're moving her and her family in to help you not run your life and make big decisions like that. After all it's your house.

B.,
I have moved in with my parents at one time to help them out. My dad and I used to butt heads all the time. I would NEVER tell my parents what to do. At this time you should now that selling your house could put you more in debt then what you are. Houses are not selling for what is owed on them. Make sure you have her pay rent for living there, and help with food and bills. This will help put money away for you. As for the room getting done.. She is the one moving in. So why you are at work trying to make money she should be cleaning it out and getting it ready. This is what I did, and think it should happen that way. She is supposed to help out with you not order you around. You are still the Mother, and she needs to now that. And its your house and your rules. I dont think you are doing anything wrong. hope this helps.
P..
SAHM of 2 girls ~ Married to a GREAT man of 10 yrs

Hello B., First of all, my prayers are with you. It sounds like to me you enjoy your independence and the daughter is trying to help you. Is she your only child? Do you have a will set up to designate who the house would go to after your passing. You could let her take the house over, fix it up and sell it for the profits (designate this in writing)which could then be put in an account for you to live on. Find a low income Apt, there are some in brand new ones in Burleson and some older ones in Mansfield. Let the daughter take the house, fix it up and either sell it or live in it. There is always a way to make it without combinding families. If your soul mate gets to come back home in the near future you could then make the decision to either buy once again or stay in your current living space. I love my Mother and would help her any way possible if I needed to. But I know she would be miserable living with me and I wouldn't put her through that. Two families living together is a disaster waiting for a place to happen.
There are mortgage loans (203k loan) out there for people who want to buy a fixer upper home.
Good luck you and your family.
J.

It sounds to me like your daughter needs to back off a little. It is your house and if you are not comfortable selling it right away she needs to be understanding of that. On the other hand I don't know how old you are but it sounds like you are able to take care of yourself and are working outside the home. I have watched my husbands aunt and grandparents who are in their 80's need our help and asked him to help go through this. His uncle was in the nursing home then passed away. His aunt was not in good health and was not able to take care of her BIG house. We talked to her about selling it and getting a smaller house or an assisted living and she flat out refused and got very ugly towards him. She was starting to show signs of Alzheimer's so that was why she was acting so mean towards him. She was real close to not being able to take care of herself so it would have been best for her to have listened to him. He house would have been worth around $500,000 with some repairs and updating so she would have been set. Now she is sitting in a nursing home down in Mexia far away from all her family because a greedy nephew decided to take charge and take over her money, house and her and her house will be sold and she will not get a dime and none of her family that is close to her will either. So I would talk to her in private and tell her your fears of selling right away and also tell her that you don't want to end up being put away by force by someone else and all of your estate be taken away from you and her. I would tell her she is being a little too pushy and she needs to let you make your decisions for now but to work together and leave an open door for her if you ever do start getting to that point where you need to let her take control that she can talk to you and say that it is time. I am so sad to see what happened to my husbands aunt. If she would have not been so set on wanting to stay in control and staying in her house where they lived. There comes a point where you have to give that up and it is for the best. My grandmother lived alone after my grandfather died and as much as I hated to see her sell the house and move in town to a Sr. apartment bldg. I know she is better off. I would just talk to her and keep the lines of communication open with her and let her know you are older too and can't get to cleaning right away after work she needs to realize you are not as young as she is. As always pray about it before you talk to her and God will lead you to the right things to say.
L.

B.,
I can totally understand your situation. I've been going through a similar situation. My father-in-law died 2 years ago and my m-i-l had to move in with us. It has truly been a very hard 2 years. She is a very dear lady, but going from living 2 hours away from her to seeing her here day in and day out has been extremely difficult.
First of all, please try to see things from her point of view too; this is a huge adjustment for her too. For the first year, I felt very resentful of her, and still do at times, but it has gotten much better. First of all, just make sure that, even though you will be living in the same house and will be wanting to do things together, make sure you keep a part of your lives separate as well. My m-i-l goes to the senior citizens center every day during the week and stays most of the day. That helps tremendously.
You do at least sound like you are more independent and strong minded than my m-i-l does, so that will be of big help to you both.
Just remember to have patience with each other and listen to EACH other. Don't try to compete or try to take each other over. I will be quite honest with you, 2 grown women living in the same household can really turn into a battle of wills and territory, so just be careful to be respectful of each other and really listen to what each other has to say. It will probably be very difficult for a while, but just remember, just be there for each other and don't lose focus of the reason you two are making this decision. If things get too much to handle, each go in your own room and do alot of praying. You will get through this and you will be fine.
I pray that your husband gets well.
God bless you both and take care of yourselves and each other.

B.~
You have received alot of good advice. If you are struggling financially and do decide to move please check out the following website. My mom moved from California to Evergreen in Mesquite to be close to me. I found Evergreen by chance and it is an INDEPENDENT LIVING senior community for 55yrs old and up. But most important it is whats called a tax credit property. Which means the rent is ALOT cheaper because businesses donate money to get tax deductions and they pass those savings on to the residents for their rent. The residents have to be on a limited income. The facilities are absolutely beautiful! My mom loves it there. She plays cards, dominos, majaan (sp) Wi bowling and is very active in all the many things they have going on all the time. SHe told me that never in her life has she had friends as nice as she has now. They go on trips all the time. There are a few different locations. Oh by the way her rent is about $660.00 a month for a two bedroom apartment about 900 sq ft.
I wish you all the best of luck and I do agree with alot of the others . . Communicate your feelings calmly with your daughter.
http://evergreenhb.com/home.htm

Definately set up some ground rules. I've had several siblings move back home with my parents while they were looking for work/between years of schooling, ect... It always ends up with my mom feeling like she does all the work and is being used by her children. At the same time, the kids feel like they are doing all the work (which, knowing my siblings is probably not the case). My mom is not in the best of health and can't do everything all by herself when she has "kids" to "look after". If they are moving in so that you can help them till they get stable, set a date with them (or have them set it) for them to be prepared to move back out. Living with your children long term is difficult and can eat away at your relationship while they are there. If I moved back in with my parents (which would take a huge catastrophe of some sort) I would respect my mothers wishes and make sure I worked hard to help out how she wants me to help out, but at the same time, expect to be able to have my own life too.

Good luck.

Do not sell your home. Maybe you could pay the mortgage and your daughter/significant other could pay all other expenses including food!

Your daughter is acting like the parent which often happens. What you should do is sit her/significant other down and discuss the things you/she wants done. Write down these things.

Maybe take one room at a time for a week to clean out. Then whatever items are not wanted/needed any longer, have a garage sale. Things take time but time flies by and keeps a mind occupied!!!!

Hang in there.

Talking out expectations and ground rules are very important. I know she is moving in to help you but I am betting this is helping her family too. Discuss everything from chores to kids routines. If you are not ready to sell your house you should not rush in to that. With todays market and the difficulty in getting loans houses are sitting on the market longer and most reducing there prices. If there are repairs to be done those will need to happen first to get the best interest in the house. If selling the house is the only option for everyone to make it long term financially then start a game plan after you have the house organized and prepared for their move in. Preparing for them to move in should be a group effort. Your daughter and her husband can help with clearning rooms. When doing that see if any items can be put in a garage sale or sold on e-bay. This will also generate money and reduce the things that need to be stored or moved later. Sit down and discuss the budget and who is paying for what so that there aren't fights about it after the move in. It's an adjustment but many families do it everyday. Have the agreement that if things are getting to "hot" on a paticular topic that you will have a cooling off period before talking again. As for being tired, everyone will be tired for awhile. Just try to make time tables for getting things done and work to keep them as best you can. Good luck and we will pray for all of you.

B., please take care of yourself foremost. Let your DD know you are not an indegent but appreciate her help. Sit down and have a heart felt conversation telling her how you are going to plan your future on your time. Explain to her that you know as a mature adult major life changes should not happen in haste. Not only that but physicaly and emotionaly you need rest part of each day. You don't want to put yourself in the hospital due to stress. Now, DD is just scared for you to loose everything and needs reassured you are going to get these things done. To that a would say to her that you will do it soon; like by whatever time frame you need. Tell her you want to fix a few things and when they are fixed you will sell. The market is bad right now and the better the home looks the better price you will get. If you will have a realtor sell the house have them come in now and tell you what would and wounld not be worth fixing. This will save time and money and fighting with your DD. Let her know you do need her support and love her for wanting to help. Let her know you are still her mom and if she needs help getting through this (dad in hospital and scared about your future) she can talk to you. Don't let her take over. It is too much stress for both of you. If you are ok mentally you simply need help physically you should let her know that. Well, I wish you two the best in this situation. I have watched my step mom and her mom go through this and it is very tough. Just remember she is doing it because she loves you.

If I were to move into my parents house to help them out, I would first of all respect the fact that the house is still theirs and it is their decision to sell or not. I would not expect my parents to bend over backword for me as they did before I was out on my own, but also expect them to treat me like an adult. Just my thoughts.

It sounds like you have alot on your plate and your daughter is just trying to get all the ducks in a role. She is probably worried about how you are handling all this and wants to make things easy on you by putting the house on the market.
I do not think she wants to take charge as much as give you a purpose and direction because she might feel you need alittle bit of a guide. With all that is going on. Talk to her, if you are going to be living together then the 2 of you need to keep the lines of communication open.
Tell her... I am tired I might need some help cleaning out the room. But then understand that she might be thinking "I do not want to clean the room because its HER space she needs to be the one to make the decisions as to where the stuff is to go.
Keep your chin up. Remember you raised her to be the woman she is..She also has a family to make sure are comfortable and are able to adjust to the changes.
GOOD LUCK!!

I took care of my Mama, and I'm about to move back home to take care of my Dad. I wanted nothing from them in return. They gave up their retirement at 50 to take in their son's sick, drug addicted, premature infant 30 years ago - I owe them my life, and I gladly put mine on hold to take care of them at the end of theirs. I've always given them a payment every month - equal to about my car payment. It used to bother my husband, until I explained to him that - imo - elder support is really no less of a moral, if not legal obligation, than the child support he pays his ex wife... and it is how I choose to spend that part of my income.

My family is weird like that, though - after Katrina, they all came and lived with me for a few months.. they paid the electric bill (together) and bought groceries; and my brothers did some home improvement stuff for me.

Dear B.,
I'm sorry, I didn't take the time to read all of the responses, but I felt I just had to respond.

I would suggest that you guys high-tail it to a counselor to help you work out your expectations! I can't emphasize this enough! If you want to keep your house and she wants to sell it, this is a major issue. My brother broke relationship with my parents over this issue (with other issues mixed in).

It is your house, your children can have any opinion they want to have and they can express that opinion, but they don't own the house, you do.

Here are some useful questions to ask yourself:
1. Is this the best market to be SELLING a house?
2. What is my daughter's motive in wanting to sell the house?
3. If your daughter did clean out the room on her own as someone suggested, would you care about what happened to the stuff that was in it?

We felt it would be wiser for my parents to sell their large home and get rid of stuff, but we waited until they felt they needed help to accomplish that. It took many weeks and much work to help them declutter and downsize and get ready to sell the house.

The idea of selling the house while your husband is in the hospital is overwhelming to me!

I don't know if any of this will help, but it's part of my two cents!

A.

Also, why would you need to downsize now that you will be having MORE people in the house? And won't their rent and bill payments help you catch up on your mortgage payments? How are you going to afford the hospital bills? Will you need to sell the house so you can pay those bills? Can your daughter and her ex-husband help to make any of the repairs to get the house ready to sell? What would help you be "ready" to sell the house? In other words, WHY don't you want to sell the house? Is it so your husband won't worry or will be able to come home to the same house he left. Or is it so you will feel safe and secure in familiar surroundings while you go through the situation of him being in the hospital? In other words, for your or his sense of security?

Here's something to consider: Is your neighborhood going uphill or downhill in value? If downhill, then selling now might be a good idea. If it's going up in value, then you can afford to wait(for emotional reasons) to sell.

If my husband were in the hospital I'd sort of want to wait until he was out so he could be PART of the decision to sell. Unless it's a huge property and it would not be good for him to do the maintenance.

Do you see why I think it might be a good idea for you and your daughter and her ex-husband to sit down with an emotionally uninvolved person like a counselor to work through some of this stuff? There's so much involved here!

It might help your daughter to read the responses people sent you. Maybe it will help you guys have a chance to talk in-depth about the issues involved and you can work out a suitable compromise. Like maybe your daughter could help you clear out the room she's concerned about. If it's emotionally difficult to part with stuff, then you could take pictures of it and "have" it on paper, but you could get rid of the item and have the room. In this way, you would be making progress toward your goal of downsizing some day.

I will pray for you.
A.

You've received alot of advice on the relational side, so I'll leave that be. The only thing that I'm not seeing people speak to much is the delinquency on the home equity loan. Unfortunately, if you look at the loan documents on that line of credit, you might find that your lender has the right to foreclose if you are behind in your payments. That may force you to start thinking about moving right away even though you are in the midst of a really difficult situation. Perhaps you can approach the lender and work something out to give you more time.

B., if you and your daughter are already "butting heads" as you say, it will not get any easier once she moves in.

I take care of my husband's grandfather. He still lives on his own but he needs a lot of help etc. The only thing I have wanted from him was respect and to be treated nicely. I think that goes both ways. We need to show him respect and take care of whatever he needs. Caring for an older parent is not easy but it can be very rewarding too. Having If your daughter is wanting to help you, maybe she could clean up the room so that they can move in.....it is definitely a give and take relationship when caring for and helping an older parent.

In your case, you are still a high functioning adult and working.....It would be good for you all to all sit down and express your expectations on what you both expect to get out of this relationship. You also already have your hands full with working and meeting your husband's needs while he is ill and don't need to be taking care of others and what they are needing from you. Good Luck!

My heart goes out to you! It is a very stressful situation. To begin with, as a Christian you have the most important being supporting you...God and the family of God.

Remember that this situation is stressful on your daughter and family, also. She is struggling to make things right as fast as possible to set up a comfortable home. You know that takes time.

If you are not ready to sell the house and move on then tell her exactly that....you need time to see the outcome of your husband in the hospital. You don't need the added stress of trying to sell a house. I do not know whose idea it was for them to move in theirs or yours. But you stick to your guns, don't give over....you are still the MOM.

And make good use of your church family...they are their to help if just listen and pray with you,

That is what I will be doing..praying for you and for your husband and for your daughter and family.

God Bless
G. L

If that is the only solution you have to make it work. First you both need to sit down and lay some ground rules. She is your daughter, but she is also an adult too. You should treat each other as adults and not be controlling. Tell her your feelings and let her tell you hers, each speaking with no interruptions. Make sure you both respect each other's private lives, and don't make plans for each other without checking first. You will be like roommates. Don't let her take advantage of you by making you feel obligated to keep her kids while she works or goes out. Spend quality time with the kids while the whole family is around. If there is no respect on both sides, it won't work and you will strain your relationship. It almost sounds like to her this is a chore she has to do and is not real happy about it. Don't let her overpower you. That's why you must sit down and talk it all out BEFORE she moves in. Don't set all the rules yourself....let her have her say and consider "reasonable" suggestions. Remember, it is still your house. Set in writing how the bills will be paid. Sometimes when adult kids move home, they feel like they have a "cushion" and can use their money for their own likings and pay bills later. Make sure you have an adult relationship, but keep the mother-daughter relationship also. No controlling by either party as this will stress you both out and she will probably win. Is she really "taking care of you", or will she just be living there and helping out with the bills? There is a big difference. Just remember, communication is the key to everything. Be honest. There will be a time of adjustment for both of you, so take one day at a time.
If you decide to sell your house, I'd put it on the market now. It may take a long time to sell, and you can get it repaired a little at a time during the time it is on the market (just the little things if you can afford it). With the economy the way it is, it may not sell because nobody is lending money. If you decide to stay, then just do your best and do what you have to do. I'm sorry your husband is ill and I wish you and your daughter all the best.

I have been in your daughter's position. It is hard to parent a parent. There is a tremendous amount of stress in both your lives, however, that does not give her a blank check to run the show. It sound like you need to sit down with her a make a plan. It might be a good idea to hold off on selling the house until the housing market stabalizes some.

Sit down with her a make a plan. Explain to her gently that she needs to tone it down a little.

I struggled greatly with my parents. Mom need to be in a place where she could be watched 24/7(dimentia,copd), but Dad insisted he could do it. It finally killed him Jan 2, 2008. He said he would die in that house of 35 years, and darn near did until I showed up and called an ambulance. He had pnemonia so bad they drained 850cc of fluid out of the chest cavity. He survived a week in the hospital and his heart gave out.

It is great that you are willing to let them help you, but be clear with your daughter. It is strange for her - believe me! Let her know the boundaries and I think all of you will get along better!

Take Care!

P.