Advice Please - Fort Lauderdale,FL

Updated on March 17, 2011
K.S. asks from Fort Lauderdale, FL
10 answers

My daugthter started a new school this year she is 9. Being a new kid we tried to get some outside play dates. Well one went horribly wrong in December. To make a long story short the kid accused my daugther of calling her little sister disgusting and I knew she had not because I did not leave my daughters side and knew when she used the word and in what context which was when she was trying a new drink and she said it was disgusting. Additionally the other mom had taken some drugs and was out of it. I was very happy the playdate was over. But the mom came back and started to verbally attack my daughter and i had to jump in front of her. I also did try to call after to calm it down because i knew my daughter was upset. Well that only made it worse cause I lost my temper. The druggy lady had no clue and the kid was obnoxious. So I just told my daughter dont talk to them and try to make other kids. Well the girl started causing grief at school telling the teacher on my daughter and telling lies. I had to go to school and speak to her teacher. I had thought to keep the out of school situation out of school but was forced to bring it up to explain what was gong on. Well it got worse from there because the teacher must have been friends with the mom. Cause the girl started breaking crayons in my daughters face and telling kids if she would let them play with a toy if they yelled at my daughter. Thankfully there were witnesses to this and when we went and met with the prinicple we were prepared. The principle met with the my daughter and the girl to see if they could work it out. My daughter was still willing but the other girl was not so the outcome was they were not to have dealings with each other. My daughter was upset but did as she was told. Now this same mom is starting to help out in the classrooms and my daughter has to see her in the hallways. They have been good so far and not put her in any classrooms my daughtter is in. I'm at two minds. 1. Put he school on notice and make sure they understand if something happens to my daughter because this lady is here there will be big issues or 2. Doing nothing for now and telliing mny daughter to ignore the lady and if the lady does something get a lawyer and sui the school and the lady. What whould you do?

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So What Happened?

Thank you for all the good advice. And sorry for all the typoes. I was a little upset when I was typing this, I had just found out the lady has been hanging around the classroom areas and near my child. The drugs was I dont know the mom mentioned aleve but the dad mentioned Xanax or some such. Both perfectly legal but neither explain the behavoir of being out of it and stoned .Nor the fact that after they came back to start a fight with my daughter they left the place and forgot the little sister and left the little sister with me. The one they were sooo concerned about my daughter talking about. I was like what do I do, here is the kid and they have left the buildings. They came back a minute letter calling for the little girl in the place.The mom did complain about back pain? For the most part I have been very happy with the way the school has been dealing with the situation. The principle acted professionally and many of the teachers have indeed been working to keep my daughter treated fairly. I would still recommend this school to others. I am concerned about the one teacher but she is not with this teacher all day long. The kids switch classes through out the day so she only sees this teacher in the morning. I think I was shocked the school would allow this lady to help out the block of classrooms where my daughter is. I have decided it is probably best to stay low key right now and explain to my daughter to not respond to this lady and to tell me if she goes anywhere near my daughter. Whether from being in the same classroom or standing within 2 feet of her. I know of one instance where my daughter was talking to a friend in the hall way and the teacher in question and the mom where talking and as soon as my daugther stopped talking to her friend and walked away they stopped talking and left also. It coudl be nothing but I want to keep an eye on the situation. I think as long as the the lady stays away from my kid and there are no more adverse issues I will leave it alone but if there is I will have to send a caution to the principle to protect my daugher . I'm always the one who likes to document what happens so if something else happens down the road I can show documentation and back up. Again thanks for all the help.

Featured Answers

S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

WAYYYYY too much drama.
what do you mean by 'on drugs'? did she take something prescribed for her anxiety, some antihistamines, or was she on heroine?
kids fight. they dislike each other. they MUST learn to deal with this sort of situation. the crayon-breaking is mean and should be dealt with under the bullying policy, but you can't police every word this other kid says. cliques are endemic to public school. learning to deal with, rise above and ignore them is much more helpful to any targeted child than threatening lawsuits and trying to control the behavior of all the other kids.
you have no basis on which to accuse the teacher of favoring the other mother due to friendship. it's likely the other mom is telling the same sorts of things about you that you are here. there are always two sides to a story.
how about going to the school and enlisting their help to make this awkward situation easier rather than threatening them and demanding pre-emptive action toward a mom who is helping them out?
think about who looks crazier in their eyes.
khairete
S.

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D.B.

answers from Boston on

The school should have an anti-bullying program/curriculum to handle the nonsense with the other girl. No breaking crayons in the face, and that sort of thing.

I'm not sure what sort of drugs you are referring to, but if the other mom is using illegal (or prescription) drugs and has erratic behavior, the school will notice it. If she took too many cold pills and had an adverse reaction, she may not remember it or may feel badly about it and will be on her best behavior in the public environment of the school. She may even be volunteering there to sort of redeem herself in everyone's eyes.

This is a good opportunity to teach your daughter about dealing with difficult and irrational people, about being respectful and yet making better choices. The problem girl will not have any friends if she continues to act like this, and your daughter's patience will win out. It can be tough on a new kid in school, but let your daughter know that sometimes another kid can feel insecure or threatened by a newcomer, not the other way around.

I would not deal with a lawyer or start threatening the school. They are well aware of their liability. It would make much more sense to consider the teacher and the principal to be part of your team to ensure your daughter's education and adjustment, rather than "put them on notice" and be adversarial from the get-go. That will put you in the role of "trouble-maker" and that's not where you want to be. If you and your daughter are the reasonable and cooperative ones, it will be much better for you. It sounds like you are already on that road - your daughter was willing to cooperate but the other girl was not. I don't think this was lost on the principal. And, as I said, if the other mom is suddenly showing up to be seen in a good light, that's not going to be lost on experienced educators who have seen parents try to suck up and get on someone's good side.

The school should have very strict rules about teachers socializing with parents anyway, so I'm not sure why you assume that the teacher must have been friends with the other mom. The teacher is absolutely prohibited from discussing any child with anyone outside of the classroom. I would ASSUME that the teacher is doing things right rather than assigning blame for a breach in confidentiality. I'm not sure why you are blaming the teacher for the other girl's behavior - I understand that it sounds like she "must have" said something, but it could also be that the mother spoke to her daughter and they are seeing you and your daughter as the causes of the problem, or at least are trying to cover their butts on this one.

So, I think you will damage your own standing if you are adversarial or accusatory toward the other teacher and the school. Tell you daughter to be respectful, fun-loving and high class, and she will attract other nice kids. Take the approach that the principal and the teacher will do the right thing - if you need to meet with them, tell them factually what you have observed (without value judgments on the other mother/kid) and realize that they cannot discuss those people with you, just record their behavior. Ask for their cooperation and develop a team approach, asking how you can participate helpfully and positively. Don't threaten legal action - they absolutely know about this already and you don't need to throw it in their faces. You don't want to become "the problem" - you want to be part of the solution.

Good luck.

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S.C.

answers from Fort Wayne on

You need to talk to the school. I don't think that you have much legal ground to stand on as far as sueing anyone.

Meet with the principal again and tell him (her?) that there is a bad history between your daughter and this particular parent. Find out what her capacity is in the school and go from there. Maybe she's just stopping in the office for some reason, you don't know for sure. I would also speak to your daughter's teacher again. In fact, I think I would schedule a conference with the principal and teacher together.

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C.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

Your poor daughter. I thought grownups were supposed to act more mature. If the teacher is not helpful I would see if you could put her in another classroom.

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J.L.

answers from Chicago on

I would monitor the situation and see what happens. Keep your daughter focused on other friends and healthier situations. If the other Mom isn't causing problems I would just keep an eye out. If you see that there are issues I would certainly put the school back on notice and if that doesn't help then seek out an attorney and get his/her advice.

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C.F.

answers from Boston on

What kind of DRUGS is this lady on???? Do you think that should be mentioned to the school she's 'helping out at'????

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J.H.

answers from Kansas City on

Oooh, this is a tough one! Your poor daughter. It's tough when your dealing with people not of sound mind. Not much you can do without also being a little "crazy". Is it at all possible to switch classrooms for your daughter just so she can hopefully start fresh? I don't know if that's a good suggestion or not. With kids, these things do generally work themselves out given time. Try to instill confidence in your daughter. Maybe plan a fun activity and let her invite one or two other girls from her class to join in...free of stress, no mention of the other situation or girl or mom. Something sort out of the norm that wouldn't happen everyday...one of those places they can go get really dolled up or something??

I like theother answer that just got posted too! But also try to separate your daughter from it a bit so she's not consumed by this one girl.

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M.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Hello-drugs??? I wish you would have clarified THAT a little more. Nobody on drugs should be around children.

L.L.

answers from Rochester on

I would absolutely speak with school administrators and let it be known that if something isn't done, you plan to take legal action against the teacher and the school district because you have made them both aware of the situation. Let them know (very politely, of course) how grave the situation is and how seriously you are taking it.

Absolutely get your daughter into another classroom...or do you have the option of another school altogether?

I've dealt with a minor sort of this drug mother drama before, and it is sad. Keep your composure to make sure you don't come off sounding nutty, and I think you will come out on top! :)

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A.H.

answers from Omaha on

This is disturbing on several levels in my opinion. First of all, you said this woman was taking drugs while you were at your play date? What was she taking? If they were illegal she should be reported to authorities. Her children should not be in an environment like that. I wouldn't want my child or my family to have anything to do with this family because it sounds very unstable. As for the teacher taking sides because she may be friends with this mom is highly unprofessional. It is her responsibility to keep the children in her classroom safe at all times. It isn't always possible to keep kids apart from one another, but school should always be a safe place for kids. period! If you don't get satisfied results from her, then always go to the principal. It is your right to take steps to protect your child, but keep your emotions and temper in check too. You will get a lot more help and build your own credibility if you are in a rational state of mind.
I would put the school on notice that this girl seems to bully your daughter at times and let them know immediately if this mom or girl continue to create drama for your daughter. It also goes without saying that you and your daughter should just steer clear of this family and not "egg" them on. I would imagine this will blow over in time. There are good people out there so keep looking for them. Teach your daughter to always be respectful and kind to others and that it is ok not to settle for a friendship that doesn't respond in a similar fashion, even if she gets upset. We all want to have lots of friends, but these are toxic relationships and nobody has to endure them! It really is better to be alone than in bad company. Maybe join a church or get involved in school functions. Find things to do as a family in your town. The friends will come. I promise! Hope this helps.
A.

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