Advice Please! - Hermiston,OR

Hi Angela,

My heart goes out to you and your precious daughter. My best advice is to pray. It sounds so simple, yet it works! God loves you and your child, and her father. :)The best way to completely get rid of anxiety and fear is to turn it over in prayer.

I, by no means am trying to preach to you, but this is something I have learned the HARD way. The best answer to any situation is prayer. God will lead you to the right steps to take in any situation. :)

I will pray for you and your family.

Many Blessings,

K.S.

2 moms found this helpful

Not sure how things work in Oregon, but ordering overnight visits (especially EXTENDED overnights) for young children isn't the norm in Washington.

My guess is that there is not a darn thing you can do that will convince her father to remove his head from his posterior long enough to put the best interests of his daughter first. The only thing I can think of is to ask some type of child expert to prepare an opinion as to why this type of plan would be harmful - but I wouldn't count on it making a darn bit of difference.

Hopefully your attorney is proving to be a supportive and aggressive advocate for you. Has s/he told you the way your local courts usually decide with regard to custody and visitation of young children?

Good luck. And you keep being a Mama Bear for your little girl!

2 moms found this helpful

The best way to fight a custody battle is to not fight it. Go along with what he wants. Once it is no longer a power struggle he will be much more reasonable. Give him the eight weeks he is asking for. I'll wager that after one week dealing with an unhappy two year old he will be ready to let her come home early. When someone knows that they can freely have the visiting time they demand, it becomes less important to them that they actually get it. The worst that can happen is that you get a break from motherhood for eight weeks and your daughter gets to know her other relatives on her dad's side. I am assuming that they are responsible people and will take good care of her. Although it is hard for a two year old to separate from mom, it doesn't hurt a kid to know that others love her too and that mama will come back.

1 mom found this helpful

I am so sorry. This is a tough one.

Have you tried talking to him? I know how this goes, been there.

In the end, attorneys inflate and exaggerate things. each wants to be a 'winner'.

A couple things:

1. Maybe you could try asking for a compromise (this means you too)
You must sit with him and write out 'this is what I want...what would be ideal for me' then on the bottom of the page, 'this is what I think you really are trying for, what would be ideal for you'
Then, on the back or in the middle of the paper (preferably on the back so that you can talk about the wants of each without being distracted)
So, on the back write a genuine compromise.
Maybe you are right, power and posession. If so, maybe after he 'wins' he will be more lax about it all. But maybe, just maybe, he realizes that is his flesh and blood, the good that came from a poor ending. Maybe being a daddy is the thing that gives him security.
You have this baby and you will love and get love unconditionally. You will watch her grow and become respectful and gracious. play sports, be good at something and proud of it.
Believe me, you do NOT want to be the one to take it from this man. Remember why you cared for him. Feed off of that and your desire to teach her the good in people. Teach her that you will support her in the relationships in her life.

Now...I could go on here, and often I do...I am trying not to..so...
He does have the right, you do have the right. You both have mouths and ears. use them.

Your compromise...you will pick up and deliver the child (then you are driving her and you get to sho her that you are welcome to her other safe place.

His compromise...re evaluate in 2 years, but keep this every other weekend and potentially holiday variances. 2 weeks in the summer for the first couple.

you must be willing to give. Don't just expect him to. please.

2. verbalize, show and prove a clear intent to communicate with him and with her while he has her.
She has to see tht you will work together. You must start the framework and standard-setting now. you are BOTH parents.

If there is a legitimate safety issue, take it to the court, take it to the cops. Don't make it something it isn't . You want her too.

Skip the attorneys for a day. Be parents, not boxers.

You can be and will have to be strong. If you let someone dictate what your life will be, you will resent and lack power. You will feel defeated. But, if you bend and do it by choice, it does not hurt so much and it makes you approachable.

Have I rambled too much.

My 2 cents X 30

1 mom found this helpful

I just want to reassure you with a few tidbits of my own story. I also went through a divorce when my DD's were 2 years old and 4 months old. I understand your fears and frustration, and I am SO SORRY you are having to deal with this.
In my experience, my daughters and I have had a lot of letdowns with their Dad. There have been the times when he did not show or call, and when I called him to find out why he was not here when his precious girls are waiting by the door with their backpacks, he would say, "Oh, yeah...I can't come today, I don't feel very good." Those were tough times, and still are, sometimes. We did get through them by making those special times for the three of us. Sometimes other family members would pitch in and "fill in the gaps." Like you, I have a terrific, supportive family, and they have been amazing. My Dad was my youngest daughter's main male role model, and they have a very special relationship. All I can tell you is that I have prayed hard over the years, and God has been faithful. We have often been without child support, but never without anything we needed, and usually had most of what we wanted, too. My daughters are 15 and almost 13 now, and say that they had a great childhood. They understand now that their Dad does love them, but cannot really take care of them the way they need him to. They love him for who he is and are actually good examples for HIM to follow, of all things! LOL! Three years ago, I remarried an amazing man who cares for us all as though we had been his all along. I never imagined anything like that would happen, but it has. If I have any words of wisdom for you, here they are: 1.) God really WILL take care of you and your daughter... even with a flaky, selfish Dad in the picture. She may mature faster, but she will have a greater amount of maturity than her friends, which is not altogether bad. 2.) Don't get frantic about meeting the right man. I was single for nearly 10 years, but I am so glad I waited and did not marry a lesser man than I did. He would have been worth another 10 years...SERIOUSLY!
I will be praying for you and your daughter, and that her Dad will begin to look at things from her perspective, rather than using her as a pawn to make his point. I know you are afraid, but I think you will find out, as I did, that you are so much stronger than you ever imagined. God bless you and your family! :)

1 mom found this helpful

I don't have much to add about how to get him to understand what this might be like, unfortunately it has been my experience that some people just won't get it. I have worked with CASA's in the past, which are court appointed advocates...and they can be helpful. You could try to have her connected with a counselor, there are several that will work with children of that age and they may be able to help advocate or offer info to the court about the emotional impact that this might have on a child of this age. I have typically offered this advice to parents in this type of situation, if you can't do anything to change the plan that goes into place, you may find some relief in taking steps to help her feel ok away from you. Ideas I have given to other families have included things like: have her spend the night away at other family member's home to help normalize the experience, help her find her favorites-toys, pictures, blankets, stories, etc for her to take with her, set up ways that you would contact each other (ie. phone, if you all have computers, you could see about a web cam and use skype to talk via computer and see each other), get a children's book from the library that talks about visitation and read it to her-several times over the next couple of months. Kids are extremely resilent and if she has support from you, that is the best thing that a kid could get in difficult situations. I would also add, that if he has never been a full time parent, you may find that he "thinks" this is the plan that he wants, but when the reality of daily care of a 2 y.o. is felt, he may be more flexible. Good Luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Angela,

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. i've been in this situation as a child (i was 2 too) and adult and let me tell you one thing...do what's best for your child! i get so tired of the people who say that a child needs to spend time with both parents even when one is a bad parent. most of these people don't get it, they have a great dad or husband and don't understand that there are men (and women)who will use a child to hurt the other person or only see their child to "look" like a good parent. if you are sure that he will not do a good job at taking care of her or will probably end up not following the plan in the future then fight to limit visitation as much as possible now! don't believe she will have trouble in future relationships if she doesn't see her father and all that garbage people are handing you. as long as you set a good example for her on how to behave as a women she will be just fine. plus, having a dad that doesn't show up to see you and comes in and out of your life a ton of times is way worse on a child then one that just disappears (this i know!).i'm sorry to say it but i really wouldn't take advice from someone that hasn't been through this situation or is on the opposite side because that advice will not benefit you and may cause you to doubt yourself. bottom line, your daughter is all that matters and as her mother you should continue to fight for what is right for her.
oh, and i also agree with the other mom that wrote that it's worth it to wait for a great man when you re/marry. i did and it is so worth the wait! a great stepdad is better then an awful bio dad any day!

fill free to cantact me about anything!
God Bless you and your daughter!
-B

1 mom found this helpful

It sounds as though Dad is too far away to be involved more closely in his daughter's life on a bi-weekly basis, and for all intents and purposes, weekend visits would be spent traveling to and from your residence. It is fair that he has for 8 weeks during the summer so he can develop and foster that bond and relationship with her. It may be difficult for you and it's a bitter pill to swallow, but it's in her best interests, as much as you don't believe that any one, her Dad included, would care for her as much as you do. The problems between you and your ex-husband need to stay between the 2 of you and not involve your daughter. Do everything you can to make this 8 weeks in the summer the best time for them. It will only benefit your relationship with your daughter as she gets older. Daughters who have good relationships with their dads have fewer problems as adolescents and teenagers. This isn't about you and your feelings, it's about your daughter. Your parents are taking care of you, it's only right that your daughter have both of her parents caring and sharing her life. Don't cheat them or yourself.

1 mom found this helpful

From someone who went through all phases of parenting plans with a non-so-interested father who also asked for loads of time to make it look good...
Now 7 years down the road, kids almost 11 and 17. It's impossible to tell in our perspective what that time means to the children, even when you don't feel comfortable with it and for good reasons. You can bring up valid safety concerns with a motion in court that you can do yourself.
Otherwise, let him have that maximum time and just see if he lives up to it. If he does he will be forced to grow in understanding that responsibility and how to care for her. If not, then it will evolve in another way.
It may be impossible for you to communicate successfully what you feel she needs to be safe and happy with him. That's why you're probably divorced. But you will have to trust their time together works for the best. The legal system will not support a mother in anything else without true risk of harm, and frowns upon any attempt to lower parenting time.
If she grows later to dislike the time with him and can verbalize it, you can pursue an evaluation and again, change the plan through a pretty easy process without a lawyer.
Best of luck,
Liz

That has to be the hardest thing to go through. If it was me I would find a really good doctor or paster who you could have help you deal with this. Maybe once your able to deal with the feelings of the result of this place your in you will have more room to find the answer.

I can understand the anguish your going through. The reality though is there is a dad and he too wants to be involved.

Its got to be tough and I pray for you ...

I just went through this as well. My daughter's dad lives 3 hours away and suddenly decided he wanted to be a daddy. I do not know where you live but in Oregon there is no way a 2 year old child would be ordered away from her mother for 8 weeks of a summer. I don't even think they can order overnights at that age. Go to mediation!!! I am serious, the court will order it anyway and if my ex and I would have gone to mediation in the first place I would have saved thousands of dollars in attorney's fees. The mediatior will get to the bottom of the issues and prepare a parenting plan for you. My daughter's dad wanted her for 4 days at a time every other week due to the driving time. We compromised and I gave him 4 days every 3rd week and it is working out great. Since my daughter was not comfortable with him at first he had to come to us for 5 supervised visits with me (and he had to show up for all of them) before moving forward to the parenting plan. I needed to know that he was serious before I would proceed. I understand how you are feeling right now but there is a good chance that everything will work out!

Angela,

Get a court appointed Guardian ad Lidem (sp?) (S)he is a court appointed court representative that is there to represent the child's best interests. They don't really care about the parent's bickering, but are there to protect the child. Your situation sounds like a prime candidate for the Guardian.

Best Wishes,
M.

Hi Angela,

I will try to make this short.. I now have a 20 year old son..husband and I divorced when he was 4 years old. He also didn't seem interested because he was in pain but he loved his son but he also had an anger management issue.. I bit my tongue, tried to keep peace and upon my son's request.. we split the custody down the middle.. no child support.. every Monday we switched..and no one got him for an extended time.. it was FaIR!!! Yes, we made a commitment to live in the same town and agreed if anyone were to move out of town, they would lose custody.. so we made this comittment for my son because he was the most important thing in both of our lives.. I'm not going to lie, it wasn't easy but I thought it was the most fair thing to do and to this day have no regrets.. His dad and I are now best friends and his wife was one of my bridesmaid.. Shane is happy, grown up, successful and in college!! It does all work out but hang in there, do what you feel is right and fair in your heart and it will all come together! Good Luck, P.

Angela,
I would imagine that you are not necessarily bound to this standard "parenting plan" even if it is widely used in your area. Hire an attorney or find a mediator and fight for the schedule YOU want. No one knows what's best for your child more than YOU do! Don't even try to justify or rationalize your reasons to anyone. Decide what is good for your child (and you seem to have a fair sense of that because you even acknowledge the value of having her father in her life) and what is comfortable for YOU the MOM, and stick with that!

Chances are that you will be able to get what you want, or at least something closer to it, because the legal system is biased in favor of mothers. Use that to your advantage!!

I also like Dorothy L's advice to use some psychology in dealing with the child's father. One book that I've found helpful, not only in dealing with kids, but with ANYONE, is "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Their book "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children" is equally helpful. Either way, their books are easy and fun to read (you won't be able to put them down because of all the personal examples) and you will probably be more effective at getting what you want after reading them. Good luck!

When you get around to talking about support you will see what kind of dad he is. If he fights it you will get a clue. Don't forget to ask into her college years if she is a fulltime student as you will go broke trying to get her through college without help. Don't forget books, activities through school and medical. You need financial help for many years to come. It is not easy at all and an break you. How do you know he isn't a good parent when alone with her? You need to have all your ducks in a row. Keep a detailed journal to back up your feelings. Otherwise you just look like a mad ex. If he is a good dad, work with him as kids really do need a dad. I've been mom and dad to my kids for years and wished, prayed and dreamed of them having a good dad who would take part in their lives. It didn't happen. Believe me, being both isn't like 1+1+2. You get so overloaded it makes you tired beyond words at times! If you an work with him it is better for you and for your daughter.

Dear Angela, I'm the care giver for my son and have always been. I made sure the judge knew that when we were in court. So taking my son away from me for two days would be very tragic to him since he's never done that. My son is 4 (3 when I left his dad) and he continues his longing for me even when he's with his dad one night.
So I would suggest you let the court know your schedule with your daughter so they can see how much she is with you and how long she's with her dad.

S.

I was divorced in 2002. At the time my daughter was 7 years old and her biological dad lives 5 hours a way. I would be more than happy to send my parenting plan. Have you tried mediation? Our mediator (I live in marion county) said there is a long distance parenting plan outline. Just like there is 8075 for people who live within X-amount of miles from each other. My daughter only visits him 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off during the summer and 1 weekend a month. We use the school schedule (I know she is only 2, but you can try using it wanting her to have a regimen set in play prior to school). I would be more than happy to send you a copy of our plan. I felt the same way you do about her being gone. She is now 13 and we are going back to court because she does not want to see him any more. So it does turn out for the best, it is hard I know.

My sister just went through the process of putting together a parenting plan. (Her story is also too long to tell.) Remember that just because that is what he is asking for, it doesn't mean that is what he is automatically going to get. If it works the same way here as it does in Montana (where my sis lives), you submit your parenting plan, he submits his, and then with help from a third person, a parenting plan emerges that takes into account both of your needs. You can request that until your daughter is older (select a certain age so it is clear when you think it would be appropriate) she not go on extended stays with her father. And you can list your reasons for making this request. (I don't know if the list would be included in the parenting plan itself, but you can certainly write out your reasons why you are uncomfortable. Proving it's in the best interest of the child will only help your case.) Odds are, though, that he might just be making a big show and when it comes down to it he'll back off. If he hasn't taken that much of an interest in her to date, there's no reason to believe he'll become father of the year during the summer and arrive on time and ready to be a full-time parent as he is currently requesting.

It is better to have a parenting plan than not. As hard as it is and as trite as it sounds, try not to panic or worry. Be honest about what you want and what you think is best for your child, then ask for that.

Good luck!

You really need a parenting coordinator. Dr. J Krechman is very good. She is in Portland. If you absolutely cannot afford one (some take payments) you can use Resolutions NW (they are free) but you will need some professional help to put together a plan that is safe and reasonable. You are correct - 8 weeks apart is too much for a two yo; it is too much for any child under HS age. "Standard" for non-custodail parent tends to be every other weekend and one week at Christmas and one in the summer. I don't know where 8 weeks is considered standard.

Additionally, it is very easy to add more time later, but very hard (think going back to court) to take it away if it doesn't work. Be very conservative at first - less is more. If your ex lives 200 miles away and does not have custody, then it isn't really up to him to make a lot of demands. You also do not need to agree to joint custody if you don't want to. Courts don't award joint - it is an agreement parents can make if they choose.

The best thing I think I can tell you in this instance is that since you seem to be able to see a "standard" parenting plan being invoked, the sooner the better. We are at the end of summer now, which means that your 2 year old daughter will have 9 months or so of weekends and holidays to get to know her bio dad before he gets her for 8 weeks. That will at least give her a little more time to get to know him so that he is not a complete stranger that she moves in with for 8 weeks. When I went through my divorce, they threw a "standard" parenting plan at us, but I live about 5-6 hours away from my sons dad. Thankfully, we were able to come up with something that worked for us, and thankfully for me (at least at this point), that my ex almost never contacts me at all....but back to my point...in our parenting plan, there was a stipulation of sorts that said something like all dad visits until age 2 were to be with me present in order to give our son a chance to get to know his dad. In your case, you could try asking for something like 3-6 months...of consistant visits working up towards an overnight visit alone with dad around say christmas time or easter time...might be worth a shot anyway. If your daughters dad truely wants what is best for her and can see that you are trying to agree to the standard plan, he may be more willing to accept somethign like that for his daughter's well being. These things are tough no matter what the outcome. Hopefully he truely cares about his daughter and is not just trying to put you through the ringer.

I was in your situation about 10 yrs. ago when my son was almost 2 yrs old. His biological dad was not a very good one and he was doing the same thing. He was very irresponsible and also still into drugs and other women. I was very worried abut his safety and well-being when he was in his biological dad's care. I was very young then and I agreed to the general visiation agreement. My son was then stood up many times by his dad and he never took him that long in the summer. The only reason he saw him as much as he did was because he was a boy and not a girl and the fact that I took my son to his house and then I picked him up also jusst because I did want him to know his dad and I felt a little sorry for him sometimes because he was so pathetic. This last Christmas was the first time he has seen my son in five yrs. I think the responsibility of having to come and pick him up and take care of him all by himself and then have his stuff ready when I come and pick him up was too much responsibilty for him. My son is now 12 yrs. old and he talks to his bio dad on the phone but we live way too far away for him to visit anymore and that is nice!! Guys say a lot of things that they do not mean. I think that he just wants to make you angry and get bak at you and he knows how much that little girl means to you. Unfortunately, that beautiful little girl is in the middle. Just be there for her and never say anything bad about her dad but never sugar coat it either. Always tell her the truth even if it hurts sometimes, when she gets older she will understand and love you for your honesty. If you need anything please message me and I will try to help!! You are lucky you have a lawyer to help you!! I will keep you in my prayers, to keep your daughter safe and help you not to worry because God knows what he is doing!! God Bless, K.