Advice Please! - Hermiston,OR

Hi Angela,

My heart goes out to you and your precious daughter. My best advice is to pray. It sounds so simple, yet it works! God loves you and your child, and her father. :)The best way to completely get rid of anxiety and fear is to turn it over in prayer.

I, by no means am trying to preach to you, but this is something I have learned the HARD way. The best answer to any situation is prayer. God will lead you to the right steps to take in any situation. :)

I will pray for you and your family.

Many Blessings,

K.S.

Not sure how things work in Oregon, but ordering overnight visits (especially EXTENDED overnights) for young children isn't the norm in Washington.

My guess is that there is not a darn thing you can do that will convince her father to remove his head from his posterior long enough to put the best interests of his daughter first. The only thing I can think of is to ask some type of child expert to prepare an opinion as to why this type of plan would be harmful - but I wouldn't count on it making a darn bit of difference.

Hopefully your attorney is proving to be a supportive and aggressive advocate for you. Has s/he told you the way your local courts usually decide with regard to custody and visitation of young children?

Good luck. And you keep being a Mama Bear for your little girl!

The best way to fight a custody battle is to not fight it. Go along with what he wants. Once it is no longer a power struggle he will be much more reasonable. Give him the eight weeks he is asking for. I'll wager that after one week dealing with an unhappy two year old he will be ready to let her come home early. When someone knows that they can freely have the visiting time they demand, it becomes less important to them that they actually get it. The worst that can happen is that you get a break from motherhood for eight weeks and your daughter gets to know her other relatives on her dad's side. I am assuming that they are responsible people and will take good care of her. Although it is hard for a two year old to separate from mom, it doesn't hurt a kid to know that others love her too and that mama will come back.

FIGHT for what you think is best for your child!! If you feel she will not be safe around her father physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually. Take it to the courts. You've had her for the past two years, as a result you are the stability/security (that is important to the courts) she knows. Don't allow him to intimidate you into a standard plan. Voice your concerns to a judge and he/she will decide. I went through this with my three year old. thank God my ex-husband didn't have a leg to stand on based on his history. God Bless You and your family sweetheart.

Angela,

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. i've been in this situation as a child (i was 2 too) and adult and let me tell you one thing...do what's best for your child! i get so tired of the people who say that a child needs to spend time with both parents even when one is a bad parent. most of these people don't get it, they have a great dad or husband and don't understand that there are men (and women)who will use a child to hurt the other person or only see their child to "look" like a good parent. if you are sure that he will not do a good job at taking care of her or will probably end up not following the plan in the future then fight to limit visitation as much as possible now! don't believe she will have trouble in future relationships if she doesn't see her father and all that garbage people are handing you. as long as you set a good example for her on how to behave as a women she will be just fine. plus, having a dad that doesn't show up to see you and comes in and out of your life a ton of times is way worse on a child then one that just disappears (this i know!).i'm sorry to say it but i really wouldn't take advice from someone that hasn't been through this situation or is on the opposite side because that advice will not benefit you and may cause you to doubt yourself. bottom line, your daughter is all that matters and as her mother you should continue to fight for what is right for her.
oh, and i also agree with the other mom that wrote that it's worth it to wait for a great man when you re/marry. i did and it is so worth the wait! a great stepdad is better then an awful bio dad any day!

fill free to cantact me about anything!
God Bless you and your daughter!
-B

My only thought is to ask him if he is prepared to deal with separation anxiety--crying, screaming, weeping, wakefulness, etc. If he has little contact with her, he may not realize what a homesick 2 year old might be like. Suggest that he take her overnight once or twice first--nearby, in case he finds himself in over his head. If his parents could be with him at the same time, to guarantee her safety from an angry response to her normal fears, that would be good, too.

You might also get some advice from a pediatric psychologist about this, one who is used to testifying in court, a forensic psychologist. Also, you might ask for the appointment of a Guardian ad litem; this is an impartial third party who is supposed to represent to the court only what is in the child's best interests. The GAL does not represent either parent, only the child.

Good luck. I find that prayer helps a lot, especially ask for help from your ex-husband's guardian angel.

I don't have much to add about how to get him to understand what this might be like, unfortunately it has been my experience that some people just won't get it. I have worked with CASA's in the past, which are court appointed advocates...and they can be helpful. You could try to have her connected with a counselor, there are several that will work with children of that age and they may be able to help advocate or offer info to the court about the emotional impact that this might have on a child of this age. I have typically offered this advice to parents in this type of situation, if you can't do anything to change the plan that goes into place, you may find some relief in taking steps to help her feel ok away from you. Ideas I have given to other families have included things like: have her spend the night away at other family member's home to help normalize the experience, help her find her favorites-toys, pictures, blankets, stories, etc for her to take with her, set up ways that you would contact each other (ie. phone, if you all have computers, you could see about a web cam and use skype to talk via computer and see each other), get a children's book from the library that talks about visitation and read it to her-several times over the next couple of months. Kids are extremely resilent and if she has support from you, that is the best thing that a kid could get in difficult situations. I would also add, that if he has never been a full time parent, you may find that he "thinks" this is the plan that he wants, but when the reality of daily care of a 2 y.o. is felt, he may be more flexible. Good Luck!

It sounds as though Dad is too far away to be involved more closely in his daughter's life on a bi-weekly basis, and for all intents and purposes, weekend visits would be spent traveling to and from your residence. It is fair that he has for 8 weeks during the summer so he can develop and foster that bond and relationship with her. It may be difficult for you and it's a bitter pill to swallow, but it's in her best interests, as much as you don't believe that any one, her Dad included, would care for her as much as you do. The problems between you and your ex-husband need to stay between the 2 of you and not involve your daughter. Do everything you can to make this 8 weeks in the summer the best time for them. It will only benefit your relationship with your daughter as she gets older. Daughters who have good relationships with their dads have fewer problems as adolescents and teenagers. This isn't about you and your feelings, it's about your daughter. Your parents are taking care of you, it's only right that your daughter have both of her parents caring and sharing her life. Don't cheat them or yourself.

Hi, I'm not quite sure how I want to go about this. On one hand, as a mother, I totally understand the anxiety associated with having to leave your child with someone else, you always "know" that nobody can care or love your child as much as you do. I don't know why you and your husband divorced (I'm sorry you're going through that, it must be very h*** o* you.) or why you don't think your daughter will be safe with him but he is her father. My husband has a child with another woman and we've been through a lot with that whole situation. When his son was 5 years old the mother moved 4-5 hours away from us and it has made visitation extremely difficult. Is there anyway, first of all, for you guys to live closer? I personally don't think it's fair for the child to have to travel that much for visitations. Not only is it boring for a kid to be cooped up in a car for that long, it also is hard for parents to make that drive all the time. The child did not ask to be brought into the situation, she didn't choose her parents or the divorce. She just wants her parents and time with both of them. What about when she's in school functions or has something special or even in an emergency...it's h*** o* the other parent to have to travel for a function that might last an hour but ends up spending 9 hours in the car just to get there and back or it would take 4 hours just to get to the hospital if something happened to the child (Lord forbid). We miss out on so much of my stepson's activities because of the distance and how fair is that to the child? Next, as for scheduling visitations, I know you say you're concerned for the welfare of your daughter but it's just as important for her to see her dad as it is for her to see you. Girls that grow up with a father that isn't that involved are more likely to get into trouble with boys, partying, etc. Do you want that for her? It will be an adjustment for everyone involved and hopefully your ex will make a point to pay attention to the cues from your daughter. If she's missing you and acting out, maybe he could make a point to bring her back to you early or set up a routine where she can call you every few hours or something, until she's comfortable with the transition. You need to not fight in front of her or talk bad about her father in front of her because you will set the tone for how things go because you have her more often. I am now pretty good friends with my stepson's mom and I love her to death but when she is angry at us about whatever reason, it's obvious that she influences my stepson because he'll say he doesn't want to come visit us but when she's not mad, he wants to call and visit more often. Don't put your child in the middle, it causes TONS of problems. Just know that she needs BOTH her parents, as hard as that may be at this point!! Good luck and I pray that things work out. Divorce is such a horrible thing to go through for everyone involved!

I just want to reassure you with a few tidbits of my own story. I also went through a divorce when my DD's were 2 years old and 4 months old. I understand your fears and frustration, and I am SO SORRY you are having to deal with this.
In my experience, my daughters and I have had a lot of letdowns with their Dad. There have been the times when he did not show or call, and when I called him to find out why he was not here when his precious girls are waiting by the door with their backpacks, he would say, "Oh, yeah...I can't come today, I don't feel very good." Those were tough times, and still are, sometimes. We did get through them by making those special times for the three of us. Sometimes other family members would pitch in and "fill in the gaps." Like you, I have a terrific, supportive family, and they have been amazing. My Dad was my youngest daughter's main male role model, and they have a very special relationship. All I can tell you is that I have prayed hard over the years, and God has been faithful. We have often been without child support, but never without anything we needed, and usually had most of what we wanted, too. My daughters are 15 and almost 13 now, and say that they had a great childhood. They understand now that their Dad does love them, but cannot really take care of them the way they need him to. They love him for who he is and are actually good examples for HIM to follow, of all things! LOL! Three years ago, I remarried an amazing man who cares for us all as though we had been his all along. I never imagined anything like that would happen, but it has. If I have any words of wisdom for you, here they are: 1.) God really WILL take care of you and your daughter... even with a flaky, selfish Dad in the picture. She may mature faster, but she will have a greater amount of maturity than her friends, which is not altogether bad. 2.) Don't get frantic about meeting the right man. I was single for nearly 10 years, but I am so glad I waited and did not marry a lesser man than I did. He would have been worth another 10 years...SERIOUSLY!
I will be praying for you and your daughter, and that her Dad will begin to look at things from her perspective, rather than using her as a pawn to make his point. I know you are afraid, but I think you will find out, as I did, that you are so much stronger than you ever imagined. God bless you and your family! :)

I am so sorry. This is a tough one.

Have you tried talking to him? I know how this goes, been there.

In the end, attorneys inflate and exaggerate things. each wants to be a 'winner'.

A couple things:

1. Maybe you could try asking for a compromise (this means you too)
You must sit with him and write out 'this is what I want...what would be ideal for me' then on the bottom of the page, 'this is what I think you really are trying for, what would be ideal for you'
Then, on the back or in the middle of the paper (preferably on the back so that you can talk about the wants of each without being distracted)
So, on the back write a genuine compromise.
Maybe you are right, power and posession. If so, maybe after he 'wins' he will be more lax about it all. But maybe, just maybe, he realizes that is his flesh and blood, the good that came from a poor ending. Maybe being a daddy is the thing that gives him security.
You have this baby and you will love and get love unconditionally. You will watch her grow and become respectful and gracious. play sports, be good at something and proud of it.
Believe me, you do NOT want to be the one to take it from this man. Remember why you cared for him. Feed off of that and your desire to teach her the good in people. Teach her that you will support her in the relationships in her life.

Now...I could go on here, and often I do...I am trying not to..so...
He does have the right, you do have the right. You both have mouths and ears. use them.

Your compromise...you will pick up and deliver the child (then you are driving her and you get to sho her that you are welcome to her other safe place.

His compromise...re evaluate in 2 years, but keep this every other weekend and potentially holiday variances. 2 weeks in the summer for the first couple.

you must be willing to give. Don't just expect him to. please.

2. verbalize, show and prove a clear intent to communicate with him and with her while he has her.
She has to see tht you will work together. You must start the framework and standard-setting now. you are BOTH parents.

If there is a legitimate safety issue, take it to the court, take it to the cops. Don't make it something it isn't . You want her too.

Skip the attorneys for a day. Be parents, not boxers.

You can be and will have to be strong. If you let someone dictate what your life will be, you will resent and lack power. You will feel defeated. But, if you bend and do it by choice, it does not hurt so much and it makes you approachable.

Have I rambled too much.

My 2 cents X 30

I was in a similar situation and wasn't away from my son for a long period of time. What my lawyer told me was that we could work up to longer period of time. So rather than having him take you daugher 8 weeks, Start with 2 weeks in summer NOT Consecutively, then later as she gets older add another week maybee at 5. But I wouldn't allow the full 8 weeks and for sure not consecutively. He only gets 2 weeks with my sone, however he gets my son every other weekend and every tuesday which I didn't like. But I would Go over more options with your lawyer. The stand parenting is just abasic plan and doesn't mean they will actually use it. Modify it to your advantantage. But don't let him take her 8 weeks. She is to young. That standard plan is usally for older kids. Hang in there

Hi Angela!!

My prayers are with you and your daughter.

To me, the deciding question is: is your daughter's father truly so irresponsible that your daughter would not be safe in his care?

If you honestly believe your daughter would not receive the care she needs and/or your ex would actually hurt her in some way (physically, emotionally, and/or sexually), then you need to start documenting your concerns and working with your attorney on getting those concerns written up. At the very least, I think it could cause a delay in the parenting plan and/or cause the courts to consider supervised, short visitations (at YOUR home or somewhere close to where you live) for a year or something like that.

If he's just kind of a schmuck or even a nice guy whom you have fallen out of love with, you'll need to start the painful process of coming to terms with the fact that this man is your daughter's father and it is probably in her best interest to have contact him.

I read with interest the post by a woman who grew up with divorced parents (sorry, I can't remember her name!) and how painful it was to go back and forth. I agree with her that a girl (and a son) CAN grow up secure and happy without contact with their father - there are adults all over this world who grew up without a father (or a mother) and many of them have turned out just fine.

But if your ex is capable of taking care of your daughter, is clean and sober, is basically emotionally healthy, and wants to establish a relationship with your daughter, you're going to have to allow it.

It sounds extreme to me to send a 2 year old to go stay with a father she really doesn't know for 8 weeks. But I am not a lawyer and I have no experience in custody laws or parenting plans.

I wish you the best in this.

My sister just went through the process of putting together a parenting plan. (Her story is also too long to tell.) Remember that just because that is what he is asking for, it doesn't mean that is what he is automatically going to get. If it works the same way here as it does in Montana (where my sis lives), you submit your parenting plan, he submits his, and then with help from a third person, a parenting plan emerges that takes into account both of your needs. You can request that until your daughter is older (select a certain age so it is clear when you think it would be appropriate) she not go on extended stays with her father. And you can list your reasons for making this request. (I don't know if the list would be included in the parenting plan itself, but you can certainly write out your reasons why you are uncomfortable. Proving it's in the best interest of the child will only help your case.) Odds are, though, that he might just be making a big show and when it comes down to it he'll back off. If he hasn't taken that much of an interest in her to date, there's no reason to believe he'll become father of the year during the summer and arrive on time and ready to be a full-time parent as he is currently requesting.

It is better to have a parenting plan than not. As hard as it is and as trite as it sounds, try not to panic or worry. Be honest about what you want and what you think is best for your child, then ask for that.

Good luck!

Angela,
I would imagine that you are not necessarily bound to this standard "parenting plan" even if it is widely used in your area. Hire an attorney or find a mediator and fight for the schedule YOU want. No one knows what's best for your child more than YOU do! Don't even try to justify or rationalize your reasons to anyone. Decide what is good for your child (and you seem to have a fair sense of that because you even acknowledge the value of having her father in her life) and what is comfortable for YOU the MOM, and stick with that!

Chances are that you will be able to get what you want, or at least something closer to it, because the legal system is biased in favor of mothers. Use that to your advantage!!

I also like Dorothy L's advice to use some psychology in dealing with the child's father. One book that I've found helpful, not only in dealing with kids, but with ANYONE, is "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Their book "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children" is equally helpful. Either way, their books are easy and fun to read (you won't be able to put them down because of all the personal examples) and you will probably be more effective at getting what you want after reading them. Good luck!

I was divorced in 2002. At the time my daughter was 7 years old and her biological dad lives 5 hours a way. I would be more than happy to send my parenting plan. Have you tried mediation? Our mediator (I live in marion county) said there is a long distance parenting plan outline. Just like there is 8075 for people who live within X-amount of miles from each other. My daughter only visits him 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off during the summer and 1 weekend a month. We use the school schedule (I know she is only 2, but you can try using it wanting her to have a regimen set in play prior to school). I would be more than happy to send you a copy of our plan. I felt the same way you do about her being gone. She is now 13 and we are going back to court because she does not want to see him any more. So it does turn out for the best, it is hard I know.

Angela,

Get a court appointed Guardian ad Lidem (sp?) (S)he is a court appointed court representative that is there to represent the child's best interests. They don't really care about the parent's bickering, but are there to protect the child. Your situation sounds like a prime candidate for the Guardian.

Best Wishes,
Melissa

I was in your situation about 10 yrs. ago when my son was almost 2 yrs old. His biological dad was not a very good one and he was doing the same thing. He was very irresponsible and also still into drugs and other women. I was very worried abut his safety and well-being when he was in his biological dad's care. I was very young then and I agreed to the general visiation agreement. My son was then stood up many times by his dad and he never took him that long in the summer. The only reason he saw him as much as he did was because he was a boy and not a girl and the fact that I took my son to his house and then I picked him up also jusst because I did want him to know his dad and I felt a little sorry for him sometimes because he was so pathetic. This last Christmas was the first time he has seen my son in five yrs. I think the responsibility of having to come and pick him up and take care of him all by himself and then have his stuff ready when I come and pick him up was too much responsibilty for him. My son is now 12 yrs. old and he talks to his bio dad on the phone but we live way too far away for him to visit anymore and that is nice!! Guys say a lot of things that they do not mean. I think that he just wants to make you angry and get bak at you and he knows how much that little girl means to you. Unfortunately, that beautiful little girl is in the middle. Just be there for her and never say anything bad about her dad but never sugar coat it either. Always tell her the truth even if it hurts sometimes, when she gets older she will understand and love you for your honesty. If you need anything please message me and I will try to help!! You are lucky you have a lawyer to help you!! I will keep you in my prayers, to keep your daughter safe and help you not to worry because God knows what he is doing!! God Bless, K.

That has to be the hardest thing to go through. If it was me I would find a really good doctor or paster who you could have help you deal with this. Maybe once your able to deal with the feelings of the result of this place your in you will have more room to find the answer.

I can understand the anguish your going through. The reality though is there is a dad and he too wants to be involved.

Its got to be tough and I pray for you ...

From someone who went through all phases of parenting plans with a non-so-interested father who also asked for loads of time to make it look good...
Now 7 years down the road, kids almost 11 and 17. It's impossible to tell in our perspective what that time means to the children, even when you don't feel comfortable with it and for good reasons. You can bring up valid safety concerns with a motion in court that you can do yourself.
Otherwise, let him have that maximum time and just see if he lives up to it. If he does he will be forced to grow in understanding that responsibility and how to care for her. If not, then it will evolve in another way.
It may be impossible for you to communicate successfully what you feel she needs to be safe and happy with him. That's why you're probably divorced. But you will have to trust their time together works for the best. The legal system will not support a mother in anything else without true risk of harm, and frowns upon any attempt to lower parenting time.
If she grows later to dislike the time with him and can verbalize it, you can pursue an evaluation and again, change the plan through a pretty easy process without a lawyer.
Best of luck,
Liz

I just went through this as well. My daughter's dad lives 3 hours away and suddenly decided he wanted to be a daddy. I do not know where you live but in Oregon there is no way a 2 year old child would be ordered away from her mother for 8 weeks of a summer. I don't even think they can order overnights at that age. Go to mediation!!! I am serious, the court will order it anyway and if my ex and I would have gone to mediation in the first place I would have saved thousands of dollars in attorney's fees. The mediatior will get to the bottom of the issues and prepare a parenting plan for you. My daughter's dad wanted her for 4 days at a time every other week due to the driving time. We compromised and I gave him 4 days every 3rd week and it is working out great. Since my daughter was not comfortable with him at first he had to come to us for 5 supervised visits with me (and he had to show up for all of them) before moving forward to the parenting plan. I needed to know that he was serious before I would proceed. I understand how you are feeling right now but there is a good chance that everything will work out!

Angela,
Like many others, I understand what you are going through. You are right that it's heart breaking to hear from the courts that it takes something horrible happening to your child before they will listen to you. As her Mother, you know what's best for your daughter and you know every detail about your individual situation. It's a sad truth that I faced as well. My ex-husband tried to force me to get an abortion and I ended up leaving him when I was 5 months pregnant. However, the court awarded him a more than generous visitation schedule that has been increased twice - now that he's decided to pretend to be a good Dad. Like your situation, my ex sees my son as a possession and is only interested in how things look to others he wishes to impress.

First, let me make a couple reading suggestions that might help you. Try "Joint Custody with a Jerk" - the important piece in there for you is the book covers how to "share" your child with someone who isn't a partner in parenting. The second is "The Complete Single Mother" - both have some great advice with coping with difficult times. Remember that your daughter is feeding off your emotions and will copy you. As much as it pains me, I put a smile on my face and talk to my son about what fun things he'll do when he's not with me. I set the expectation of when he'll return to me and what I'll do when he's gone. I started it very early on and now he seems to find comfort in it.

Eight weeks is a very long time to a small child - heck, two days is a long time. I would suggest to him a gradual increase that would eventually equal the time he feels is owed to him. Start with two weeks the first year, then three, etc. Many times, the court will accept that. Make sure there are breaks in that eight weeks to ensure he doesn't take it all at once. Also, it won't mean much now, because she's so small, but build in communication time with her. If he has internet, suggest sending a video cam and have scheduled times to see her. That will definitely help you feel more connected to her - and allow her to know that you're not far away.

Hang in there! While it's never easy, you and your daughter will find ways to make the best of a hard situation.

Take care.

Hi Angela,

I will try to make this short.. I now have a 20 year old son..husband and I divorced when he was 4 years old. He also didn't seem interested because he was in pain but he loved his son but he also had an anger management issue.. I bit my tongue, tried to keep peace and upon my son's request.. we split the custody down the middle.. no child support.. every Monday we switched..and no one got him for an extended time.. it was FaIR!!! Yes, we made a commitment to live in the same town and agreed if anyone were to move out of town, they would lose custody.. so we made this comittment for my son because he was the most important thing in both of our lives.. I'm not going to lie, it wasn't easy but I thought it was the most fair thing to do and to this day have no regrets.. His dad and I are now best friends and his wife was one of my bridesmaid.. Shane is happy, grown up, successful and in college!! It does all work out but hang in there, do what you feel is right and fair in your heart and it will all come together! Good Luck, P.

When you get around to talking about support you will see what kind of dad he is. If he fights it you will get a clue. Don't forget to ask into her college years if she is a fulltime student as you will go broke trying to get her through college without help. Don't forget books, activities through school and medical. You need financial help for many years to come. It is not easy at all and an break you. How do you know he isn't a good parent when alone with her? You need to have all your ducks in a row. Keep a detailed journal to back up your feelings. Otherwise you just look like a mad ex. If he is a good dad, work with him as kids really do need a dad. I've been mom and dad to my kids for years and wished, prayed and dreamed of them having a good dad who would take part in their lives. It didn't happen. Believe me, being both isn't like 1+1+2. You get so overloaded it makes you tired beyond words at times! If you an work with him it is better for you and for your daughter.

Hi Angela.
Wow I went through this 10yrs ago. I feel your pain. Let's just say my ex looked at our daughter as a cash cow.
Has there been a Guardian ad litem involved? We did. That is what saved me. I wrote out my own parenting plan and it was not easy it took some time but I crossed all my T's and dotted all my I's.
My ex lived the night life if you know what I mean. So when the Guardian ad litem started her investigation. My ex back down and signed my parenting plan and so did the Judge.
It took a lot of work and I never stopped fighting for my daughter.
He gets to visit her, but its on my terms. It took me 2yrs to fight him off and I had learned a lot about the court system good and bad.
Remember too Attorneys are a dime a dozing. It does not sound like you have a good one.
Because if he or she was good you would not be going through this.
Has this went to court yet? Or is it still with just the attorneys?
Make your attorney fight hard for your rights as a mother.
As far as the father go's he is pissed and he will not back down. Find something that will make him back down.
I know one thing, try not to argue or fight with your ex. If he calls and starts fighting with you tell him your sorry but I can't talk to you when you are so mad and make sure you write all of what he says and does down. Dates and time s are very important to the courts.
Again try to find something, anything to get him to back down.
Fighting in the courts hurts the child more than anybody.
Last but not least. If he is a good man and a good father let him be one. And know that all kids need their father too. Your daughter will grow up with so much more and love you both for it. If he is a good father he should too get to spend the time with her.

I hope this helps. I don't have to much info to go on so I can't fully give to much advice.

take care
Mrs Knokey

All I can say is never stop fighting for your daughter and if your ex is a truly bad father them make sure you fight like hell. Don't give up. It will work out.
You have so many rights as a mother in the state of WA. Look into that.

Dear Angela, I'm the care giver for my son and have always been. I made sure the judge knew that when we were in court. So taking my son away from me for two days would be very tragic to him since he's never done that. My son is 4 (3 when I left his dad) and he continues his longing for me even when he's with his dad one night.
So I would suggest you let the court know your schedule with your daughter so they can see how much she is with you and how long she's with her dad.

S.

You really need a parenting coordinator. Dr. J Krechman is very good. She is in Portland. If you absolutely cannot afford one (some take payments) you can use Resolutions NW (they are free) but you will need some professional help to put together a plan that is safe and reasonable. You are correct - 8 weeks apart is too much for a two yo; it is too much for any child under HS age. "Standard" for non-custodail parent tends to be every other weekend and one week at Christmas and one in the summer. I don't know where 8 weeks is considered standard.

Additionally, it is very easy to add more time later, but very hard (think going back to court) to take it away if it doesn't work. Be very conservative at first - less is more. If your ex lives 200 miles away and does not have custody, then it isn't really up to him to make a lot of demands. You also do not need to agree to joint custody if you don't want to. Courts don't award joint - it is an agreement parents can make if they choose.

Angela-
You have had some really good responses so far, but I just wanted to throw in my two cents as well.
My son's Biological dad wanted nothing to do with us, and signed over his rights 3 years ago. I am so thankful that I do not have to deal with parenting plans and sharing my son.
That being said....Children are resiliant. She does need you, you are her mother. But, she also needs her dad. As someone else pointed out (a couple of mom's), the relationship she forms with her dad will determine what kind of relationship she will form with men as she gets older.
As hard as it is to swallow, you had a child with this man. He is her father. He has a right to see her. 8 weeks certainly does seem like a long time, and the first week or so your daughter may be upset, but she will get over it. She will be able to have some long summer nights and days with dad. that's GREAT!! A lot of times children see their parents (mom or dad) once or twice a week, and sometimes the transferring between households can leave children feeling kind of out of sorts. I know a lot of mom's that wills ay it takes their kid a day or so to get back to normal after visiting their dad's. this way she get a long extended time with him to get to know him.
Take a break. Go out with your girlfriends. Find a summer job! There are a lot of things that you can do when your daughter is visiting her dad. I know it's stressful....I get stressed when my HUSBAND takes my boys out. We, as mama's, know that we will take care of our children the best..but there are some dad's out there that can do a pretty fantastic job too!
Good luck to you, L.

The best thing I think I can tell you in this instance is that since you seem to be able to see a "standard" parenting plan being invoked, the sooner the better. We are at the end of summer now, which means that your 2 year old daughter will have 9 months or so of weekends and holidays to get to know her bio dad before he gets her for 8 weeks. That will at least give her a little more time to get to know him so that he is not a complete stranger that she moves in with for 8 weeks. When I went through my divorce, they threw a "standard" parenting plan at us, but I live about 5-6 hours away from my sons dad. Thankfully, we were able to come up with something that worked for us, and thankfully for me (at least at this point), that my ex almost never contacts me at all....but back to my point...in our parenting plan, there was a stipulation of sorts that said something like all dad visits until age 2 were to be with me present in order to give our son a chance to get to know his dad. In your case, you could try asking for something like 3-6 months...of consistant visits working up towards an overnight visit alone with dad around say christmas time or easter time...might be worth a shot anyway. If your daughters dad truely wants what is best for her and can see that you are trying to agree to the standard plan, he may be more willing to accept somethign like that for his daughter's well being. These things are tough no matter what the outcome. Hopefully he truely cares about his daughter and is not just trying to put you through the ringer.

I am finishing mediating our divorce (sigh).

I agree that if you guys are at huge loggerheads, getting the child her own advocate is a really really good idea.

On interesting thing that came up, was that we had negotiated a much higher than 'normal' Spousal Support amount (my soon-to-be-Ex having truly heard my arguments about providing actual financial security for the children--supporting my household was more important than trying to squeeze me to retaliate for my perceived wrongs or whatever). I was worried about it being enforceable: would only the 'normal' amount be legally supported, if he arbitrarily decided to change the amount? My lawyer said that with strong 'findings' in our document, the higher amount should be enforceable. The 'findings' are all those phrases like "In view of their (x) years of marriage, and the young age of the children, and (his) much greater earning capacity ...".

'Standards' are necessarily reflective of 'average' situations ... and of course no specific situation is actually 'average.' That's why they include 'findings' in the documents in the first place! Ask your lawyer (or your child's advocate) what findings might directly and appropriately affect the 'standard' parenting plan, because if the situation is as you describe, especially if you have not been trying to keep him from being more involved in her life, there is reasonable cause to assume he does not understand what this child needs and that he needs to learn that before she is handed into his care. There might need to be a clause that the plan will be reevaluated in two years (or would automatically change in two years), when the child would be developmentally more prepared to change parents for long chunks of time. Or something.

Your husband may believe he has the right to what he's saying--and he might be correct--or he might be trying to scare you into being controlled, or he might just want you to acknowledge his fatherhood.

Even though you don't perceive him to have functioned well as a father, he may feel that you kept him from it, or some other set of things kept him from it. Certainly it sounds like he (correctly!) perceives that you don't see him as having automatically a right to this role ... he of course may or may not see himself as having so-far failed or so-far been alright as a father, and his fight might also be partly to prove to _himself_ his role! In my situation, their dad is now a WAYYYY more involved, emotionally available parent since that we are apart (and for that matter, so am I)--a lot of our emotional energy was going into trying to survive our messed up relationship :(. And when we were together, the stress of being in the same room made us snappish/otherwise worse parents with the kids .. I know he perceives my parenting skills, based on what he really did see!, to be nothing near as good as they were/are when he is not around. I also know that the stress-years actually did make me a worse parent, and I am having to work to try to get back to where I was :(. I have to assume that those factors function both ways.

On the other hand, there are parents who are just horrible and unattachable, and he might be one.

One probably impractical idea, but I'll offer it--do you have a friend in that other city with whom you could stay, so your daughter could spend one night a week with you or something, help her know you still exist? In the books I've read, and I think in the Multnomah County required parenting class (for separating parents), there were clear guidlines for bonding: infants should see the absent parent as close to every day as possible, by age one they can mentally retain the absent parent for something like 5 days, by age two for something like two weeks ... anyhow, I don't remember the numbers exactly because we live close and try to see Daddy at least twice a week, but there are numbers, and as her primary attachment you should have a justified and arguable reason to see her at least as often as the studies say is necessary to prevent attachment disorders.

_I_ think. (Because, you know, I am an Expert in everything : P. )

(Of course, I also think our modern society sets us up for massive failures all around, and you, and I, and our children--and our husbands--are now suffering for it. Here's hoping we get some of it turned around in this growing up generation! Or what the heck, here's hoping we get it turned around in OUR generation; better late than never! Here's to the Rest of Our Lives :)! )

Sorry if I was preachy or anything. But there are lots of legitimate reasons to argue either way on this parenting plan, and you shouldn't fear bringing your reasons and reasoning to your lawyer and to court.

In the end, your daughter will know your fear, or will know your willingness/confidence. Do what you can. It is so hard :( to navigate these negotiations. Trust that you (and she!) will find Peace with whatever the outcome becomes; know that it will be up to you to guide both of you in finding that Peace--and that you can do it: it is there to find. In my faith-tradition, I add: with the help of God.

God bless. Keep loving her. Help her to love her daddy as best you can. And find people to love you.