Advice on Yelling/screaming Son

We recently took a love and logic class. They would tell you to completely ignore his yells and tell him, "When you are ready to talk without yelling, let me know, and I will be happy to talk to you at that time." It seems to work with my kids much better than yelling back. He will literally yell himself out.

And yes, I do think it is unrealistic to expect him to do
something the first time he is told. My 39 year old husband won't even do that!!!!!! :)

When he is listening or responding without yelling, make a comment about it. "I love how you are talking to me and not yelling. That makes mommy really happy when you talk to me like a big boy." Sounds hokey, but it works! Good luck.

When you say he yells, do you mean he yells when he's angry, or just yells all the time? If he's yelling most of the time, have you checked his hearing? I'm assuming this is not the problem, though.

Make sure you have his attention before you speak. Say his name, put your hand on his shoulder, get down to his level if necessary. Speak in a calm voice. Even when administering discipline, do it in a calm voice, not angrily. Try to think about the police officer giving you a speeding ticket. He doesn't yell or say "why do you always speed? You know you're not supposed to do that? How many times do I have to give you a ticket before you learn your lesson?" lol No, he says "Do you know how fast you're going? I clocked you at 92 MPH. Here's your ticket. Have a nice day." (I've never actually had a ticket, so maybe I've just seen too many movies I don't know)

No, you shouldn't have to repeat the command, but he may need time to mentally process it and change gears. I pause, and if I don't see obedience, I begin to count. Backwards. From three. They never have a chance to think "maybe mom will count to 5 or 10 today" If I get to one, there's a consequence. This is similar to the "1-2-3 Magic" book, but I started doing this long before I read the book.

If he's really out of control on it, don't even count. Make it an immediate consequence, but you have to do it EVERY time. Whatever behavior you're working on, you can't let it slip by even one time. If you're not sure it was intentional, it doesn't matter. If you're in doubt, err on your side and give the consequence. Otherwise they will find loopholes. The more you waffle, the more they wiggle to find the boundaries.

When my first was about 3 or 4, I was frustrated because he yelled all the time. Then I realized that I yelled all the time. I told him one day that we both had a bad habit that needed to change. I got two clear plastic cups, and split a roll of quarters between them. I labeled one Mom and the other one Tim. The rule was that if we caught the other one yelling, we would take a quarter out of their cup and put it in our cup. If he could get all of mom's quarters, he could have them all. After the first few days, quarters changed cups less frequently, and at the end of 3 weeks (the time required to form or unform a habit), I let him have them all anyway.

Another trick is to speak softer the louder he gets. Usually he'll quiet down just to hear what you're saying, especially if it appears to be something pleasant.

Hi A., I wanted to share with you what we realized with our 4.5 year old Son. First of all, positive affirmation wasn't something that came naturally and of course our reaction when they are loud is to become louder soooooo, using a softer voice has the opposite effect and praising them when they are exhibiting the right behavior works wonders. They get conditioned at a very early age to tune us out and they also get used to us making withdrawals emotionally and criticizing them. Our child is very "goal oriented" and we started a "star chart" that has his responsibilities on it. WE explained that we are a team and that it takes every person in our family to get things done. He doesn't read well yet so there are pictures of his Jobs on the chart. We explained from day one of doing this that we will only ask once and if it doesn't get done, no star(no star no fun stuff). He loves this because he has some control and feels really good about being a helper. Its funny how when they have a little control(over things that don't really matter)and see and hear us responding in a positive and encouraging way the turn around that can happen. It's still work, don't get me wrong and he is far from perfect but it has made such a difference. Alot of this we learned from Love and Logic. No nagging, no yelling, no repeating just some sanity! Blessings, J.

I have a 6 yr old that is loud all the time and I'm always telling her to be quiet. Timeouts work for us b/c it gives her a break from whatever is causing the stimulation and excitement.

Afterwards we talk about what she did wrong and she knows to try harder. I know it's frustrating to have to tell your son this over and over again but my daughter's pedi said that at this age, repetition is the key. You need to keep repeating the rules and he will get it.

Sometimes I think kids pretend to not listen b/c they are trying to see how much you'll let them get away with. Just be consistent and firm and before you know it you won't have to repeat yourself.

My daughter has most of the rules down that we have for her. The being loud one is the hardest for her to get.

The first thing I thought of was his hearing. My son has had many problems with ear infections and I can always tell when he has one because he starts talking loud. If you have not had his hearing checked I would do. sometimes they don't know how loud they are being.

My daughter is much younger, but for eating her dinner we let he go till she starts playing with her food then we tell she has two minutes to finish up. If she is not done eating in two minutes she loses it. She eats more then enough so I don't think her missing the last couple bites will hurt. One thing my parents did on the toy thing for me and my sister. It just took one time- they took a trash bag and all the toys not put away went in the bag. They got taken away for I think two weeks till we could show we respected the toys we still had which were not many. If things ever got bad again all they had to do was threathen with the bag and me and my sister were cleaning deamons till it was clean.

Hi A.,

I feel for ya. I have a near 5 year old myself and she hears just fine, she just doesn't listen. What I have started doing is telling her to look at me when I speak to hear. I then ask her if she understood, she tells me yes and then proceeds to follow the directions I gave her...i.e., picking her trash up and throwing it away, not getting into something, etc. If she doesn't listen then there is a consequence dependant on the action.

On the yelling...I find that when I do it less, the kids do it less. I know how hard it is not to get heated up yourself when your kids are driving you bonkers. I try not to let their emotions cause the same emotions in myself. I look at them and say "Boy, your sure having a hard time right now aren't you?"..."Why don't we just chill out for a few minutes and then you can explain why your so upset." You'd be surprised at how well it works.

I do have a question for you...are there a lot of TV's, stereos, etc. going when he's yelling? I've noticed that my girls yell over things just to be heard. If the volume is down than they usually don't yell. Just a thought.

When all else fails...give Supernanny a call! Trust me, there are times when I've thought about it!

I hope this helped in some way. Good Luck.

Has he had his hearing checked recently? Just an idea.

Hi A.,

The only thing I would address beyond what has already been mentioned is the time out issue. I'm not sure what you mean when you say you 'aren't convinced they're appropriate for his age'. I totally believe time outs are appropriate for all ages, including my age! I say my age because when my children get a time out it not only gives them a chance to cool off and reflect on their behavior, it gives me a chance to cool off too if they've pushed me to my limit. Then, I can better address correcting the behavior at the end of time out. Time outs work wonders at our house. My older two boys are 11 and almost 10. They have grown up with time outs...one minute on the timer for each year of age...however, I must say that some of their time outs got a little longer directly proportional to the offense. (When you have two boys who are 15 months apart...some of the offenses can be in the red alert range...mostly directed at each other! ha) Now with their little brother, who is 3, they are all too eager to show him the way to time out and explain the rules of 'no talking, no watching tv, no messing up the pillows while in time out, etc.' I try to be the one enforcing the rules, but sometimes I have to beat them to it! My three year old knows and understands the concept of time out and at the end of time out he is expected to apologize for his behavior, or he stays longer. Lately, he tries to apologize before his 3 minutes are up to get out sooner, but 'if he does the crime; he has to do the time'. So, I stick to my guns, so to speak. Time out diffuses a situation very quickly. It puts you in charge and calmly teaches the child they cannot get away with poor behavior without consequences. When the timer goes off I always make sure to calmly discuss the reason they were in time out and the expected future behavior and I always end with "I love you". We then clean the slate and start fresh and don't harp on the previous offense. My children and I totally believe in the value of time outs and believe they can be appropriate for all ages. I would encourage you to reconsider the value of time outs.

Best of luck!

have you thought about having his hearing checked or have the doc check for ear infections.one of my twins does this and i was so frustrated until i noticed one day he was listeing to the tv with his ear against the speaker eventhough it was plenty loud. the doc says he has abnormal amounts of drainage in his ear which causes build up and he has frequent ear infections but the only symptom is him not being able to hear so he talks really loud and i have to tell him something 3-4 times or make sure he is looking at me when i talk so he hears me.i felt really bad once i realized this wasnt his fault and i'd been getting on to him for it. this may not be your sons problem but its worth checking into. good luck -A.-

Hi A.,

I would say for you on the screaming and yelling that when he does it you need to explain that he needs to use his "inside" voice and that he can only be loud when you are outside if it is apprpriate.
I have 4 kids total and there are times when the 2 middle ones get really loud and I have to tell them to turn their volume down please.

As far as the listening goodluck, if you find something or another suggestion let me know. I have a 15 y/o who doesn't listen at all. I have a 6 y/o who when I ask him to do something he does hear me but tells his 3 y/o sister to do it instead of him. My 3 y/o listens pretty good but here again she is only 3 and she has a one track mind at this point.

Here is a suggestions though then when you are telling him or asking him to do something make sure you're not "yelling" at him do it. And when you do ask him to do something then you can't yell it either. Normal tone voice all around and a deeper tone when you are getting mad at him and a higher pitch tone when he is doing what you ask him to do.

My mother yelled at my sister and I and it didn't matter wether we were doing something wrong or not. The more she yelled the more we ignored her. It wasn't that we didn't care what she was saying but when she was constantly yelling good or bad we just tuned her out. So thats what I mean, we as parents lead by example and if you are yelling at him and then telling him not to be loud what do you think he is getting from it. If you talk in a normal voice and behind him then you might check his hearing or if you wisper right behind his ear.
If you say somehting in a normal tone voice and then he begins to listen you are making head way. By the way some kids are just loud and don't know how loud they are. My son has a friend and he has always been loud and we have known him since kindergarten. If you are talking to your husband and he is in the living room and you are in the kitchen and then you are yelling at him so he can hear you over the t.v. thats not doing anything for anybody. Its like you turn the t.v. up so can can't hear the kids and then the kids start talking louder so they can talk over the t.v., turn down the t.v and you will turn down the kids. Just a thought. Hope this helps W.