Advice on Relationship and Men

Hi S.!
Well, this is just my opinion as a 49yr old single mom of 6... I personally, would do anything I could to keep from going farther in debt. If his is the better vehicle then spend the minimum to get it running and be dependant on him for a ride until you can save up enough money to buy a cheap, dependable car. Honestly, a car is NOT an investment. It starts losing its' value as soon as you buy it. I tend to take the Dave Ramsey approach to being debt free and that means NOT acquiring any more debt. So neither of you needs to be grounded you just have to start working together, eating beans and rice, working 2nd or 3rd jobs if need be and get yourselves out of debt!
You CAN do it S.!
N.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi,
You want some sound advice so here it goes. Being buried by debt will not make things any better. Purchasing a car on credit is not an investment. You will feel good for about a month and then when the payment is due you will begin to question what you were doing buying something you can't afford. Your fiancee says he is tired of being broke which is exactly where I was a year ago. We haven't bought anything on credit for a year and my husband is working extra hard to get our current debt paid off as quickly as possible. We want to enjoy life and be able to do things for our children that we couldn't of dreamed of being slave to the lender!!! My advice to you is to start listening to Dave Ramsey from 1-4 on 570 am and to pick up his book The Total Money Makeover and see what you think about his teachings. It has blessed us beyond anything. Finances are a major struggle in relationships. Take an extra job or something and save up some cash and purchase a car that will get you to work and back and go from there. I know this wasn't the advice you were looking for but you are in control of your finances and you have to act responsibly.... most of the time things don't just work out...look at our country's bankruptcy/foreclosure numbers.

1 mom found this helpful

This is my first time to respond to any of the listings on this site, but I felt compelled to share w/ you something that has helped me a lot in my marriage. I highly recommend reading "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" by Dr Laura Schlessinger. I realize you are not married yet, but as you are engaged, you are as good as.

Men are complex & yet very simple creatures. It truly doesn't take much to make them happy. If money is tight, borrow the book from the library, that's where I got mine.

I've been married almost 24 years, work full time, have 22y/o daughter & 18y/o son. The husband & I have had our share of problems over the years, but I can honestly tell you that the book has made a HUGE difference in our lives.

Best of luck,
HS

if you live in arlington you may qualify for the ways to work program they will assist in repairs or give you a loan of up to 4000.00 to purchase a vehicle monthly payments are around 180.00 plus insurance.
Here is the website and contact info

Arlington
Karen Nolen-Rucker
Arlington Chamber Foundation
505 E. Border Street
Arlington, TX 76010
Inquiries: ###-###-#### and ###-###-####
http://www.arlingtontx.com
Karen Nolen-Rucker at ###-###-#### or ____@____.com Purposes

Support job sustainability
Car purchase
Car repair
Promote employee retention
Aim to improve credit and opportunities for economic self-sufficiency
Loan Size
$4,000 Car purchase
$750 Car repair

Loan Terms
Interest rate 8% maximum
Loan Length 24 months

Applicant Requirements
Application process, financial management classes, repayment within two years.

Eligibility

Resident of Tarrant County
Employed 20 hours/week and for at least 6 consecutive months
Other loan sources exhausted
Sufficient disposable income
Involved parent(s) of dependent children or support child(ren) under the age of 18
Household income cannot exceed 80% of the area’s median income

As for the husband I think you need to change the approach you are addressing the issue as a mother and a survivor he is addressing the issue on a monetary level which means no compromise, you need to appreciate his point of view and acknowledge it during the discussion..."discussion"....not the dictatorship and find a common ground since he his concerned with the finances you need to find out what he will be comfortable with spending every month for a car payment or saving to purchase a more reliable vehicle. Compromise you will agree to use the current vehicles for another 8 months or as long as necessarly.. as long the two of you are saving for a better vehicle etc. etc. and stick to it. Decide what is going to be eliminated or cut back to accomplish this and make it happen. Change the approach and appreciate the others point of view you don't necessarly have to agree but respect his opinion. Men need that!!

I agree you need reliable transportation, but I don't think you need to go out and get involved in another bill. I suggest you and your fiancee read "Total Money Makeover" by Dave Ramsey. www.daveramsey.com My husband and I are in "Baby step" two right now. If we had heard about this before we got married it would have saved a whole lot of stress.

You have gotten some great advice. I speak from experience on this. Fix his car and save to purchase a gently used reliable car. We bought a new minivan 2 yrs ago and it was the biggest mistake. We were in a tight spot b/c my husband has a company car and our personal car had a crack in the transmission block. SO we decided that we needed the upgrade from a 4door Honda Civic (we have 3 kids and 3 car seats)to a minivan. We should have looked for a used one we would have come out a lot better but we felt like we had no choice b/c my husband travels 2-4 weeks out of every 6 weeks, so a reliable car was a must. We paid too much for the van and after only 2 yrs and 17,000 miles we had to replace the brakes . SO scrimp as save as much as possible. You can do it. A few years(10yrs) ago we were completely debt free and it wasn't easy. We did it before we had kids and we ate a lot of oatmeal and beans. But we paid off 25,000 in debt in a little under 2 yrs and we paid off the Civic before our first child was born. Then my husband went back to college DBU and then went to Seminary, then we bought a house, then we bought a minivan, then we had to replace the back fence and clean up our yard after a bad storm, then the a/c unit went out and WHAM back in debt we are. So now we are buckling down again, it's harder now with kids but we are doing it. SO fix the one that it the most reliable and even if it will cost more in repairs b/c you are more interested in the reliability than the amount to get it fixed. Then save, save,save and then get you a reliable car. I hope this helps.

Just an idea on a compromise: If your car is in that debilitated, it may qualify for the Texas program that gives you $3000 for old cars--forgive me. I don't know the name of it. Why don't you too ride together for a while (it will save gas) and work towards saving, maybe $1000 additional with the goal of getting a reliable vehicle (don't need to be new to be reliable). And just maybe, by the time you get that money saved up, you probably will see how having another vehicle may not be necessary and you could use that to go towards something else. My husband and I only had one vehicle for about 2 years and carpooled to work.

PS--Caps = Yelling! Just a note... :)

Good luck!

My dad had once offered me his dad's Chevy, that had been sitting in Granddad's driveway for several years unused..other than for storing old newspapers, which had been used as bedding by some wild mice who had decided to live in it. My dad had said that the car wasn't reliable, but that if I had taken it and signed up for AAA, then I'd be ready to go! I think it's a guy way of thinking. I turned him down.

My husband and I replace our cars every 10 years. Currently, his is paid off and we're still paying on mine. We buy Japanese cars (Toyotas and Subarus... we had purchased a Kia - from Korea- since Consumer Reports said they were very safe back in 1995). We were lucky to get our Subaru discounted. How? The protective plastic sheeting covering the cars had gotten torn during the trip from Japan to the US and the ship's smoke stack had blown soot everywhere. There was no sign of soot on the cars, but still, they were discounted. Maybe you'll luck out on finding something like that.

It's good to be as close to debt free as possible, so I understand why your man wouldn't want to buy another car right now despite any inconvenience it causes by not having dependable transportation. However, most dealers take any car for a trade-in. (When we traded in our Kia towards the Subaru, the AC on the Kia needed replacement and we still got the replacement value in the Blue Book.) Hopefully if you guys were to consider replacing either of your current vehicles, you could get a decent discount for a trade-in at the dealership. You may also be able to talk them down on the price. We've been able to since they want to sell cars/move stock/earn commission.

Another way to get a discount at the dealership is to buy a car that's being driven by one of their employees. We bought our Kia Sportage from a salesman, who took his boss' boots and kids' artwork out of the vehicle and sold it to us before telling his boss... it was a "company car". The salesman also gave us a discount based on each mile already on the odometer.

There are also government auctions where you can buy vehicles. I've never been to one, but I've heard of them.

You're smart and will figure out something that will work for you and your man! :)

Kick him to the curb!!! Younger men who aren't mature enough to deal with life's little ups and downs need to grow up. Where you are and where he is... obviously aren't the same places. I probably haven't helped but saying he is an "impossible puppy" doesn't sound like you have much of a future together. Good Luck!!!

He's not being foolish, especially with the economy the way it is right now.

Hi S.,
I was in the same boat as you. I work full time and cook,clean and he has a nice car. His car is not paid off but, mine was. He got his income tax and got him a newer truck then he said well you can have my car and I'll pay for it or keep your's. Well I thought to keep his. His is newer than mine well I drove it for a week then he decided to get me a SUV cause it's bigger for my son and me. I was driving his eclipse. He said if we has w wreck then my son would get hurt cause it's so small. He does pay for it. He pays most of the bills. My boyfriend is older than me but, sometimes I think I'm older. If he cares about you and your daughter getting around and not getting stuck he would get you something else to drive. I understand where he is coming from that he does not want another bill but, you also need a car that you can depend on. If you need more work done on your car let me know. I live in Irving and before I got my new car I had a car that gave me problems and I took it to a place in Irving. They do a good job. My e-mail address is ____@____.com

Listen to Dave Ramsey (570am 1-4PM) or read the book Financial Peace. He would say buy a "beater" and pay cash.

Since you have a job, then let him finch for himself and fix his truck and you go and get a car no matter if he thinks it will add to the bills, you have to do something on your own for yourself. Some men want for you to be needy but then through it back at you. Just do your own thing and let him do his. Some where in between you will come to love, but you need to take hold of you.