Advice on "No Cry Sleep Solution" - How to Put Baby to Bed Awake

I have a 16 week old, born exactly on her due date. Up until she was 13 weeks, we had to put her down in her crib completely asleep. If she woke up, we had to rock/bounce her back to sleep before we could put her down. We did try putting her in her crib drowsy but wake and rubbing her, using the binky, singing etc. It sometimes worked, but mostly she'd start crying and stare at us as if to say "why am I still in the crib? Pick me up?" And when we didn't she cried harder.

I have no issue with crying it out, but not at 3 months. And like you I wanted to get her to fall asleep on her own.

We purchased a Fisher Price Ocean Wonders Aquarium that attaches to the crib. Why we didn't buy this thing sooner, I have no idea!! We put the baby down in the crib and she's awake, not wide awake, but not drowsy either. We put the aquarium on, she stares at it and is asleep within 10 minutes sometimes sooner. Some nights we can hear her talking to it through the monitor before she falls asleep. It's adorable.

Now I understand, she's not falling asleep totally on her own as she does use the crib aquarium, but the thing is so soothing between the music, ocean sounds and fish moving. We have had no problem getting her to sleep at all with that. Eventually, we'll take it out of her crib, but for now it allows her to be by herself and fall asleep, which in my opinion is the first step anyway. Who cares if she has some assistance from Fisher Price.

Oh, we do have a bed time routine -- after she eats, if she hasn't fallen asleep, we take her upstairs, sit in the rocker and read a book or two. Then rock her for about 5 minutes. Just enough to relax her, but never enough to put her to sleep. We then put her in the crib and her eyes are wide open. She'll give us a few big smiles, we kiss her, say "good night", turn on the aquarium and leave. Within 10 minutes, she's asleep.

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Okay, I have a friend who used this method and it worked wonders for all 3 kids. My intention is to use it also. It takes a lot of time for a few days, but then you are done.

Put the baby down, awake, drowsy, whatever - but NOT sleeping - the second he crys, pick him up, (you'll probably be hanging out in his room for this) once he is calm, put him right back down. Pick him up immediately when he cries - (he needs to see that you will answer his needs) You may pick him up a hundred times on the first day, but the next day will be a lot less (like 50) and then the next day less - she said with each kid it took about 4 days and then it was over. There really was no crying, because you don't let them cry - you pick them up immediately. Also you DO NOT put them down until they are calm - no sniffling or anything.

About me:
I am also against crying it out, and we use a co-sleeper attached to the side of our bed. My daughter comes to work with me and spends a good part of her day in a sling or carrier.

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I am a huge fan of the Pantley approach. I was nursing my daughter to sleep on a constant basis, and that seemed to be okay at the time, but the older she got, the worse she slept, becoming more and more dependent on me to be holding her in order for her to be able to fall AND stay asleep. She got to the point where she was only taking half hour naps (way too short for a baby), and was waking up every hour and sometimes every half hour at night. She just wanted someone holding her all the time! We got the Pantley book and it saved us! What we did was try to tackle the nighttime thing first. It did take some time - you can't just try her methods for one night and then give up. You have to realize that it's not going to work the first one, two three, ten times you try it. Your baby has these habits ingrained at this point, and you will have to work hard to break them. It took us about two weeks to start seeing changes (which Pantley says is totally normal), but the changes did come, and in about three weeks, she was sleeping eight hours at a time (which for her was a pure miracle)! She then was sleeping 10 hours, then 11 (which is what she is still doing now). After we had a few weeks of good nighttime sleep, we then went after the nap problem. I think trying to change everything at once is too stressful for the baby. If you haven't already, I urge you to read her whole book, in order, and to not skip to the chapters you think you need. Do the sleep charts, write out a plan like she suggests (instead of just picking a few of her suggestions) - if you do it like this, you are much more likely to have success. Also, about your other question, I would nurse my daughter before naptime/bedtime, then put her down when she was almost asleep - you know, when the eyes are closing. She would often sort of startle when I tried to put her down, but I just stayed there and patted her back (she was a tummy sleeper) while doing the "shhhh" thing. If she got too upset, I would pick her up, nurse her again and repeat the steps, putting her down when she was falling asleep, but not quite asleep, then patting her back and shusshing. It took a lot of patience, and for the first few nights I thought it was never going to work, but I didn't give up, and after awhile she learned that this was the new reality and she adjusted. I hope this helps - stick with it! And good luck!

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I know you mentioned not liking the Ferber approach - I used that. You need to go in every 3-6-12-20 minutes to re-assure them that they are fine. I did do this with my daughter - she was 2 1/2 years (yes I rocked her to sleep all that time). Problem was she couldn't get back to sleep by herself and I was up every night. The first night I put her in the crib and went in after 3 minutes - then 6 minutes then 9 minutes - I couldn't wait really really long. But after 45 minutes - she was sleeping. The next night it took 1/2 hour and she was sleeping. By the third night - she said night night and went to sleep. I recently used the same method with my 1 1/2 year old and she is not put in the crib wide awake and falls asleep. It seems terrible - but it is such a relief afterwards. I do respect your choice but I thought I would let you know how it worked for my personally. Good luck to you in whatever you do. There is a book out there by Richard Ferber "how to solve your child's sleep problems" just in case you wanted to see what he has to say. TRISH

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Hi S.,

Easiest solution is to WRAP him in a blanket but a dirty one that is used everyday( bring one into the bed with you so it smells like mommy and daddy and the feel is the same as in bed with you.

Next start the sleep procedure get a pacifier and rock, OR just cuddle him close which is what i feel is the best

DO NOT TALK or hum or sing because that stimulates them and its not a sound that can be easily reproduced , I use the aqua sounds by fisher price, its the best because it attaches to the crib, the batteries seem to last forever, and its only 25 bucks

First start out in his room with the music gently playing,
while you hold him wrapped in his blanket,
then after he falls asleep like that a few times ( say after a week)
you then wrap him and put him in his crib, hold in his hand thru the crack while he whines ( NOT CRY but you know that whine that they do before falling asleep)
Do not talk just listen to the music and hold his hand

I pet my sons head a few times and rub his nose, then pop the pacifier in his mouth and kiss him on his forehead and then leave the room, the music or rather water wave sound lulls him to sleep and he rarely cries most days he falls right to sleep ( if he whines its for other reasons like he slept too long in the morning or played to hard, ect...)

Worst case if he cries for more than say 8 minutes max
pull him out and hold him for a few minutes til he falls asleep.

the routine will work, his soft blanket makes him feel secure,
and this helps him fall asleep and stay asleep for longer.

I have 3 children and this has always worked, and I slept with ALL of my kids in the bed.

BUT i will suggest that, you alternate where they sleep as
when children are in ONLY your bed it makes them feel afraid to be anywhere else, and can also be tiresome with more than one in your bed, My husband and I have a KING which is still too snug for 3 children at one time, specially if you have to go to work the next day ( NOT ME but my hubby LOL)

Eventually After transitioning him into his crib you can wrap him pop his pacifier into his mouth, rub his head and nose , turn on the music and leave the room,
Mine usually fall asleep after a few minutes quietly, but on occasion they whine, like i said wait 8 minutes or until they cry hard and then pick them up.

Good luck

M

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Hi S.,
I tried No Cry Sleep Solution as well with little success. My next move, and more successful I might add, was based on the book "the Baby Whisperer". It seems to be a combination of approaches where it recognized that the baby will cry (b/c he wants to continue to fall asleep in your arms and is used to it) but also emphasizes that the parent be with the child through the process of learning to sooth oneself and put oneself to sleep. I recommend having a look at the book at least. In the end, you will need to adopt any method to what works best for you and your son.
Good Luck and may we all get more sleep soon.
C.

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S.,
I just recently read a book about helping babies sleep better / longer, applied the techniques to my baby and found that the book is absolutely genius!!! I HIGHLY recommend it!
The 90-Minute Baby Sleep Program: Follow Your Child's Natural Sleep Rhythms for Better Nights and Naps by Polly Moore
Best of luck!
Ellie

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I struggled with my son, now 14 months. He was a terrible sleeper until he was 9 months old. He slept in a co-sleeper next to my bed until he was able to roll over (about 5-6 months) and then he was in his crib. I always had him fall asleep in my arms, or while nursing. Many people criticized me for doing this and said, "He'll never learn to sleep on his own." He presently sleeps like a champ from 8 p.m. until 7 a.m.

Have you tried the book, Good Night, Sleep Tight? It has many other suggestions. HOwever, the BEST piece of advice came from my doctor when he was 9 months and I was delirious with sleep deprivation. She said to give him the t-shirt I wore that day and put a bottle of water in the crib with him, along with an extra binky. I put him in the crib, drowsy, with my t-shirt. He immediately clung to it, smelled it, curled up on it and fell asleep. I heard him stir in the night. He found the water bottle, drank, put the binky back in his mouth, clutched the t-shirt and fell back to sleep. He still sleeps with whatever t-shirt I've worn that day. I realize my solution is for an older baby, but the Sleep Tight book has some GREAT suggestions.

Good luck and remember YOU have to be comfortable with what YOU are doing for YOUR baby. Don't let anyone bully you into doing what they think is right. Don't try and tackle all sleeping times at once. I started with the naps. I would put him in his crib, wide awake, when I went upstairs to get dressed. He learned to be amused by things in his crib. (that way, when he wakes up, he likes where he is) I also have a great Fisher Price Aquarium that plays music and has lights and fish that move. He loves it. Then, later, at naptime, I'd put him in there drowsy and sit in my rocking chair, so he could see me. Sometimes he fell asleep, others he cried. Eventually, I was able to put him in the crib for naps. He also napped in his carseat for a while and also in his swing. Maybe those would work as well. Nighttime is toughest. Working on naps first, helped me.

Some kids just aren't ready to sleep on their own until they're older. It sounds like you're doing all the right things. Remember, do what feels right. The Sleep Lady book, "Good Night, Sleep Tight" is awesome. I bought a used copy on Amazon.com, really cheap. It's awesome.

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The real sticking point is that you are going back to work soon, so you can't "wait until he is older" even though I think that makes it harder since they become MORE aware.
When my (now 7 year old) son was a year old, I began my own refurbished Ferber approach (I am not familiar with Pantley).
I refused to have him cry it out so I would put him in to his bed (with his crib-stuffed-animal-toys) when it was bed time and just stand next to the crib, no physical or eye contact. The first 4 days it worked like a charm--he played until he literally conked out. Third day, I stood about a foot from the crib and day 4 I stood about 6 feet away and did the same with no eye contact --same results .
Day 5 I stood at the doorway and he figured it out, stood up up in the crib and cried Mamamamama. I went over to him, gave him a kiss and lay him down on the bed with no eye contact or words. He popped right up but I went over to the door and stood there without eye contact or verbal interchange. After a minute of complaining I went back to the crib, kissed him, lay him down and walked out of the room. He called for me/cried for a minute and I went back in to the room kissed/ hugged and lay him down. We repeated the scenario--walk out, wait a minute, go in, kiss/hug, walk out--for about 15 minutes before he finally just went to sleep.
It took about 3-4 days before he would just lie down and go to sleep without complaining, but I felt that he knew I was there, responded to him albeit slowly and he didn't fall asleep crying. If a minute feels interminable you could try 30 seconds, but I think he wasn't damaged by the 1 minute wait.
PS. I did this with night time sleep but continued to "cheat" with naps by putting him in asleep, whether by swing/rocking, stroller, or car ride. He eventually outgrows the naps and I couldn't do the other approach because I was too tired and needed a nap, too! Naps may be harder because it isn't as dark, but if he is tired it should work anyway.

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Hi. The way I got my son to go to bed drowsy instead of fully asleep was to 1. watch his eyes while feeding him before a nap and watch for them to start getting heavy. 2. when I saw that he was NEARLY asleep, I would take him off the breast or bottle. This sometimes would require tugging every minute or so for a couple of minutes. This would avoid yanking it out on the first try and getting him upset. 3. Once I got the bottle/breast out quickly and without upset, I would put him down in his bassinet without changing his position in my arms. I would lower him slowly and remain closely hugging him for a minute or so while he was in the bassinet (it does WONDERS for your back, ha ha, but it's worth it). 4. When I felt he was relaxed enough, I would slowly remove my arms from the hugging position.

I hope this helps!!!
K.

Hi, S. - We did do the no-cry sleep solution with our first but he was a little older. I would suggest re-reading the Pantley book to be sure you are doing everything correctly. Sometimes when things become routine for us, we forget the details. OR maybe he's just not ready yet. Try again in a week or two.

We used an ocean waves CD in conjunction with the method and that worked well.

Sleep sack in place swaddling?

I know you don't want to hear this but I did end up using the cry it out method for naps after months of walking/driving around for 2 hours every day to get a nap. I couldn't take it anymore. By that time, I could handle the 2 days of crying (40 mins/20 mins respectively) because I was beginning to resent my son and more importantly, he needed the rest. I read somewhere that the crying is sometimes necessary to release excess energy from all the day's stimulation...for what it's worth.

Just pick something and stick with it. You have to show him the way. Consistency is key. Good luck.

Whatever you decide, choose one way that works for you and the baby and stick with it for both naps and nighttime. I believe children thrive with structure no matter what the age. Good luck!

My son was also premature, and wound up sleeping with us for the first couple months. We transitioned him by using his car seat attached in the stoller. This way he could be rocked to sleep, until he learned to fall asleep on his own. Once he was doing well with that, we put him the stroller without the carseat, and then a pack and play. Within a month he was going to sleep on his own in his crib, in his own room. It worked for us, and a few others I have suggested it to. Good luck, this can be a very trying transition.

Liz

This may not be the most helpful advice, but my daughter woudl never fall asleep on her own either, I also chose not to let her cry it out. I waited tills he was asleep before every nap/bedtime and then set her down. Once she got older she brought a bottle to her crib with her and that relaxed her enough to sleep, then after she turned one it was a sippy cup. She still brings a sippy cup with her both nights but she can fall asleep on her own as well, she simply grew out of it.

All prolems that we moms stress over when we have little babies will soon be resolved, I would honestly keep letting him fall asleep in your arms unless this is creating more of a problem that i saw into it.

Hi S.,

My son was much like yours, though not a preemie. And I too refused Cry it out, and loved cosleeping with my baby. I love Elizabeth Pantly's book, very caring. I would also recommend Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's book, Sleepless in America. Also very loving. She addresses temperamement in much more detail and gives a lot of suggestions based on temperament research. Your baby sounds sensitive, like mine. Attachment is also a factor, my son sleeps better and longer for naps when I'm not around, and even did at 2 months.

You may need to just hang in there a little longer until your baby becomes a bit more neurologically mature before he can start to learn to sleep more independantly. I had success getting my son to fall asleep "by himself" (he was close to one year, and I use quotes because it was in my bed with me near, but have to start somewhere) by putting down first after 20 minutes (fully alseep for him) then every three days I put him down three minutes sooner, still touching him, then removing the touch gradually sooner, until he could fall asleep without being touched. It was gradual and methodical, hard to do when so sleep deprived. Many books discuss various gradual approaches, and one thing I came across was that you will want to make a gradual change every three days, enough to register but not dramatic enough to really upset the little one. More than three days and it's just a new habit. It has helped me over time to keep this three day rule in mind, since the gradual (compassionate) approach is slower than the cold turkey, which doesn't work with certain temperaments, and may only backfire.

I also found the Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems helpful for sleep issues (with older baby's, not newborns since she recommends scheduling, not a good idea for a newborn, especially a preemie and especially if nursing). She has a patronizining tone, and I did not care for some of her other idea's, but she is anti cry it out, and compassionate towards baby's who have been subjected to it. It takes time, it is painful, but your baby is very young. I personally have found working on naps to be the toughest. Your baby might be different. I'm sorry you have to go back to work, I did that too, it is hard!

Your baby will outgrow the erratic sleep over time, and you will sleep again too! I think you will have to wait longer before you can really dive in with any kind of sleep training, I don't even think a Cry it Out person would recommend it at this age.

All the best,
C.

Hi! I am a Mom of ten and have practiced putting my infants down in a drowsy stat and patted their backs to soothe them to sleep. At night I feed as they become wakful and have a cradle at my bedside..to roll them back to their space after each feeding. I am not ususally up at night as they are kept calm in bed with me and then back to their bed. I would suggest working on the naps first, but yes it could take a few days to work thru and help your baby settle down...one day is not a good judge of how your infant will do. I do not CIO to the point of leaving them for any lenght of time, 10 minutes and then soothe them ..after going to them twice I might pick them up and most times they fall asleep in my arms, then I put them down in their bed, at that point and sleep for about 2hrs. Hope this helps a bit..my main parenting tip is to make a plan and stick with it, then adjust it after 4-5 days if it is not working...babies need us to be consistant, to feel safe~D.

I am not sure if by "No Cry" you mean that not a tear is shed, or just that you don't want to leave the baby all alone to cry itself to sleep. Some techniques that have helped me get my baby to sleep for naps and at 7 when he is ready for bed but I am not, are 1)Having a routine- We sit in the rocker, and I nurse him wrapped in a blanket while I read and rock 2)When he is sleepy, I put him in the crib on his tummy and pat his butt gently, and keep firm pressure on his upper back with the other hand. He fusses for a bit, I think because he would prefer to be in my arms, and he is tired and cranky, and it is frustrating for him that he isn't asleep when he is so sleepy, It took a long time at first but now I can usually just pat him for a minute, and when he's really tired I just lay him and leave with no fuss. This might not work for everyone because many people won't let them sleep on their tummy when they are as little as yours (2.5 months, right?)- but I started this when my son was 3-4 months (before that, he always slept in the sling or in bed with me, til he became too distracted to sleep in the midst of things) and could turn over anyway, at which point whether I laid him on his tummy or not he would flip to his tummy. Also, I found I could wear him in the sling a lot longer without my back bothering me when I bought a pair of expensive orthopedic shoes (the kind dr's and nurses wear) around the house.

2 other ideas- essential oils that promote sleep (Either distilled in the air or rubbed on the temples in a salve), and warm baths and a warm room- the warmth makes him drowsy.

As much as I wish I could tell you that there is a "no cry sleep solution" I can't. I will tell you that I don't believe in a child crying themselves to sleep either. I feel that when a child cries they need a response from the parent. When babies are not where they want to be they will cry. You have to break a habit that you have created for your child and in doing this there will be tears, yours and his. When my daughter was born she camped out on my chest for the first 6 weeks of her life. My husband would sleep out on the couch with her on his chest just so I could get a couple of hours sleep, we loved every minute of it. Then I had to go back to work and the bliss ended. We tried everything and then realized that she didn't like sleeping on her back, we had been letting her sleep on us on her belly. So we got a wedge and a warm water bottle. She was propped up on the wedge just enough so she could easily breath and not be completely on her belly and we used the water bottle to simulate our body heat. We then bought a machine that played the sound of a heart beat. After two nights she finally slept without being on our chests. There was tears, but we knew what we were doing was in her best interest and ours. Crying isn't a terrible thing as long as you know your baby isn't hurt, hungry or uncomfortable and as long as you don't let it go on for an extended period of time. Good luck and remember, tears will happen if not now, when his two.

Dear S.,
I've had (and still going through) a similar experience with my daughter is 5 months now. She had a traumatic birth and had difficult settling, so we rocked her to sleep and gently laid her down after she was fully asleep (we also co-slept). Due to physical limitations (I'm a very small person and my baby is very big for her age) and the fact I need to return to work, we have started to lay her down in her own crib in our bedroom. I don't lay her down semi-awake - that didn't work for us - it just woke her up completely. When she was younger, she had to be in full deep sleep in order for the lay down to be a success, but in the past month, when I lay her down, she opens her eyes and awakes but then gradually closes them after I pat her shoulder. Point is: it will take time but you will see progress. Some babies are just more aware and active that they just can't put themselves to sleep.

One helpful thing about the no-cry sleep solution -- there is an e-mail address for Dr. Pantley, and she DOES respond. When we were having trouble (a different issue, so I can't be helpful on your specifics), I sent a desperate e-mail to her. First we got an automated reply, but then a personal response that really helped. I was amazed to find out the the author is for real -- she really cared. And then we got other e-mails about her upcoming books/events, not spam but good stuff. So, if you don't get the help you need from these responses, there's one more option. Good for you for reaching out!
--W.

Have you tried putting him in a pack n play that has the vibrator on it so he's still getting the enclosed feeling along with the movement or rocking him or walking around with him. Target also sells a first years vibrator for the crib. You might as want to try the hot water bottle wrapped in something that smells like you when you put him down in his own bed, he'll get the same effect as your body heat along with your scent, to relax him.

My baby was not premature,(10 days early) but when she was 1st born I either let her fall asleep in my arms or in the swing until she was asleep and then put her in the crib. At around 3 months old (she is now 5 months) I tried to break both habits because I was returning to work.
Dr. Harvey Karp video The happiest baby on the block really worked. There is a blook too but the video is around 30 minuts and shows you all the soothing techniques with demonstrations so I thought the video was more helpful. Swaddling is great!! I thought my baby was to active too, but this video shows you how to do it and to get the baby in it to stay!! I highly recommend getting the video. I bought it on Amazon.com. You have to keep at it, but now my baby girl goes to sleep for naps and bedtime in her crib when she is awake and sleeps through the night without a problem.This started at about 12 weeks old. If she cries out, I just give her a pacifier and she falls back to sleep. Stick with it.. one time is not enough. Hope this helps. R. NYC

S.
Have you tried a swing or vibrating bouncer to at least get baby out of your arms? Let him swing and hopefully he will go to sleep and all you do is transfer him to his bed. Establish a routine of this along with his other things....feeding, bathing, etc..and hopefully he will get accustomed to this. I know my swing was a God send.

My son had difficulty sleeping also. He would wake up 30-40 minutes after being put to bed and several times during the night. For our son we found out that he needed to be in an upright position in order to stay asleep. We had him sleep in the swing (on low setting), the swaying motion helped lull him to sleep and he would sleep through the night. Later on when we transitioned him to the crib we used a wedge to keep him in an upright position (don't use the boppy in the crib, it's not safe). You can also raise one side of the mattress to create a slanted surface. Good luck.

I have a 4 1 /2 month year old baby girl and she has only recently been able to go to sleep on her own so it could be that it is just a little early yet to start training your child to go to sleep on his own. I, like you, tried putting her down drowsy for a month or so before this, and it just didn't seem to work. My pediatrician suggested that is unlikely that most babies can be trained to sleep on their own until after 3 or 4 months of age.

I would recommend Marc Weisbluth's book, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. It includes all different methods of sleep training based on your own approach to child rearing (including no cry method). It helped me alot. Dr. Weisbluth, like my pediatrician, stated that it is unlikely that your baby can sleep (self-sooth) on his own until 3 or 4 months of his corrected age. Some babies take longer than this.

I kept trying each week to get my daughter to sleep on her own and eventually it started to work. Now we are in pretty good shape. But I will say that we didn't follow a strict "no cry" approach. This is what worked. I watch for her to start getting fussy after she has been up for about 2 hours(e.g., she will start crying a little bit while playing on her activity mat). I put her down in the evening with her pacifier and she will usually start to cry. I leave the room briefly for 2 minutes, and then return and give her a pacifier and sooth her without removing her from the bed, putting my hand on her stomach for about a minute. This usually calms her down. I leave again, and usually she will fall asleep on her own after this, but sometimes I might return in this fashion another one to two times to get her to sleep. This worked for me initially for evening and now works at nap time as well. And now in the evening she will sometimes go down without crying.

Not sure how much help this provides. But good luck to you!

My kids are 13, 11 and 8, yet I clearly remember what a challenge the whole sleep thing is - and on top of it all, I know I was extra emotional from the sleep deprivation. We had our kids sleep with us and that really worked the best - I laid down next to my oldest when she was napping, then gradually worked her into sleeping independently. I will be honest though, we did have a few tough nights of crying before she learned how to go to sleep on her own. It really was only two really hard ones and then dramatically better each time though. It will probably be a while before you reach that point though. Remember, you are the expert on your own child and own family. Don't let the pediatrician tell you what you should be doing sleepwise - My husband and I knew when it was time to let the kids cry a little bit to learn - There will be lots of times over the years that your kids won't be able to learn a lesson easily and smoothly, there will be tears (and maybe a little growling :) but there is plenty of time for that later, your little guy isn't manipulating you yet!

As far as the actual sleeping went, for us it was different with each child. My oldest liked to stay up late and was not much of a napper - she just doesn't need loads of sleep - so we needed to pick her sleepiest time to teach her to go to sleep on her own. My son had fluid in his ears, so he never slept through the night until he had tubes put in at 2 1/2 - sorry! My youngest did not want to be by herself, she got really mad that we insisted that she stay in her crib (this was when she was more like 6 or 7 mos.) and she did howl about it for a couple of nights and I hated it, but then she figured it out and we all survived - so follow your instincts and your heart and I am willing to bet that between that and the desperation that comes from being sleep deprived, you will be able to find a relatively happy medium. This really was the most challenging issue for us, so good luck - and remember it really is a stage, it just seems like forever!

hi well they sell a teddy bear that had the heart beat sound it will help with the transition between your arms where he hears your heartbeat and his bed with out you.hope this helps

The best advice I ever got was to follow the program of "sleep, eat, play." Feed your baby right when he wakes up so that he is not tempted to fall asleep in your arms when you feed him. And when it is nap time, put them down before they get too tired and cranky. (The drowsy thing never worked for me either because they get too comfortable in your arms and don't want to be transferred to a bed.) Watch for little signs like rubbing eyes or yawning and put them down. Your baby should be on some sort of a napping schedule, so you probably know about when it is time for him to go down. It's been amazing for me to see my babies kick their legs for joy when I put them in their beds and go to sleep without a peep. Hope this helps.

Hi S.:

I have a five year old girl but when she was first born I had the same problem, when we came out of the hospital I will let her fall a sleep in my arms then take her in her crib if she weak up in the night I will put her in the bed with me and when she was two months all I moved her crib to her own bedroom and I was told by my mom that the best way to do the change for her was to start with both at the same time the naps and the night time sleep and to start with putting her in her crib with one of the rails open and for me to sit at the end of her crib and to rub her head softly and also to put soft baby music in her room rite before taking her in to her room. I did this the first weeks it took her like one to one and a half hours to fall a sleep but with time it was less and less time never cry and slowly when she was three months for her naps I will put her in her crib by her self but with the music and by the time she was seven months she was falling to sleep by her self to today she sleeps all night trough by her self but I can take her in her room to sleep if her baby soft music is not on. Give it a try it may work and good luck.

Congratulations on your baby boy. I recenly read an article on MDweb.com about just the situations you are talking about. Please check out the website. From what I've read, premature babies will take longer at the beginning for such just things. My guess would be he will start to fall asleep around 9-12 months. I use to rock my daughter to sleep for the longest time and thought I was hindering her ability to fall asleep on her own. She transitioned just fine. Although she was not a premie, I definately did this much longer than the "experts" would have advised. Each child is different and you have to find out what works for you and your child. I would also try to tackle one issue at a time. It will be much easier on you and him. Just one thing - after reading your message, I get the impression you are trying to get him to sleep on his own because of his age. Again, each child is different. If having him fall asleep in your arms works for you at this momment, continue; I would wait another month and try again. I hope this helps. Best of luck. R.

I think all living things like to sleep with other living things and you shouldn't put to much pressure on your self to get him to sleep alone. He was premature and needs to be close to you. I know it is hard but I think taking it easy in the transition is a good thing. Keep up the good work.

Trying with naps first is probably a good idea. If he can get to sleep without a problem, then go for bedtime. I think it's almost like a training thing and as they get used to something, it will become routine. I can respect your choices, as this is your child...and I hope you have success in getting him to sleep on his own. My children were good sleepers so this was not an issue for me. Good luck!

I have to just let you know that the only person I know that went along with the choices you have had to rock and nurse her child asleep until she was over two. I know that doesn't give you any new ideas but I want you to know that you are not alone if you just have to do what ever you need to to have your child not cry.

Hi S..
I followed Dr. Weissbluth's Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child book and it has worked wonders for both my children. As newborns, they both would only sleep while being held. For my oldest (now 3), I discovered the book at 4 months and my son took to his method immediatly. For my 2nd son (now 9 months), I tried to get him to sleep on his own from about 2 months (b/c I was desperate for a break from holding him), but it just didn't work until he was 4 months as well. The method in this book seems to be about the same as yours. Put them to bed at the first sign of drowsiness and see what they can do on their own. I used the gradual method. The first day, I let them cry for 5 mins, 2nd day 10 mins, etc. It is very time consuming on your part. So I guess my thought from my own experience is that your son may still be to young, considering his corrected age, to fall asleep alone. Good luck and I would be happy to talk further if you wanted.

S., i have had 3 preemie babies, so i can understand your reluctance to let them cry it out. i waited until my twins were over a year old and very desperate for more than 3 hours of sleep to try the cry it out method. anyway, maybe your baby is too young to try any sleep training. also, the key is consistency. whatever method you use, be consistent that means you and your husband-mine wasn't so we had issues. good luck, A.
p.s. Farber does not advocate crying it out, if you read the book, it is not as bad as the bad press it gets. i found it very helpful. you might want to just read it for yourself. Dr. Weissbluth also has a book i found helpful.

Hi S., I'm no expert, I can only tell you what I did. I'm also a first time mother of premies.(2 month premature) But I have triplets. My son and daughter were good about going to bed awake no problem. My other son would only fall asleep in our arms. We had to than put him to bed very carefully or we'd have to start over again. I eventually, started putting him down awake, letting him cry for a couple of minutes than going to get him. I couldn't let him cry long or he'd cry so hard he'd throw up. If he sounded like he was calming himself down I'd let him go longer, before getting him. It took 3-4 days until he calmed himself down enough to fall asleep on his own. It was also hard on me because I enjoyed holding him til he fell asleep, but I knew it had to be done, better sooner than later. Because it would only be harder if I waited. Now I put him up to bed awake, I give him a bottle, and turn on his music box,and night light, and he falls asleep on his own. I hope I'm able to help in some way. Good Luck to you.
D.

I'm very pro BabyWise and The Baby Whisperer. Neither involve too much crying, and have worked like a charm for our 4 kids(including twins, and 1 child with bad reflux). But we started the process around week 2(to start getting them to not fall asleep at the breast), so I'm not sure how it would work coming in a few months later.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

our girl is 9 1/2 months now. we had much of the same you talk about, and were basically exhausted. a few things that helped:

first of all: congratulations on having a healthy little sleeper - sounds like he's doing a good job learning to sleep on his own a little at a time.

here's some of my experience, i hope it's helpful:
a friend gave us the book 'healthy sleep habits, happy child'. while this was helpful in some important ways (mostly in learning to recognize drowsy signs), it was also really unhelpful (and even stressful - we finally just got rid of it), as our baby NEVER had a regular sleep schedule like the kids in the book, and believe me, we tried (even solutions you have decided not to try, which sometimes worked and sometimes didn't). what i ended up learning from this experience was that all babies really are different, that, unlike most of the books say, sleep is not a problem to be solved, but a rhythm we needed to discover together with our babe. we are continuing to discover it. i don't know if that helps, but changing the way i thought about it really worked for me.

we also got a miracle blanket, which is a special swaddle. they have a website. i highly recommend it. our babe was super active, but this REALLY helped (she worked her way out of every other swaddle), and she loved it. we also used a pacifier (something i was adamantly opposed to, but sleep deprivation is a form of torture, so...), and it was surprisingly easy to wean, as when she got too big for the blanket she started to pull the pacifier out and basically worked it out herself.

your baby will let you know what he needs, even if it sometimes seems counter-intuitive for you. as he gets older you'll see that he will often be leading you, saying, hey guys, it's time for a crib (or cup, or whatever). it's great that he's taking naps by himself for 30-40 minutes. our girl was like that. she never had those blissful 3 hour naps the books talk about. not once.

it's also helpful to remember: things will change. she started taking regular naps at around 7 months (she just did it one day, with no help from us, and then we caught on and started following more of a set schedule. so far it's worked great). before that she was ALL over the place. she NEVER napped for more than 40 minutes at a time. now her usual is about an hour and fifteen. and that will change too, of course.

there were times we let her cry, but these were because it was clear that she was exhausted and that our trying to sooth her was actually getting in the way of her process of getting to sleep. it never came from a 'we've got to let her cry it out!' place, but from a place of feeling sad that she was so tired and trying to give her the space to find sleep for herself. again, intuition based rather than book based.

one thing i really learned from the first six months was that sleep deprivation is just part of being a parent to the most wonderful little person in the world, and it's not permanent (though i think the wrinkles are!)

so i guess my advice is pretty basic: glean from the books but don't go by them, see sleep as a relationship rather than a problem, and above all follow your intuition and listen to your little guy. he's doing great.

One thing that worked for my daughter to get her to fall asleep on her own in her crib for daytime naps was to put her in very wide awake with her black and white mobile to watch and some gentle classical music on low. She'd lie and kick for a while, watching the mobile then gradually quiet down and fall asleep. This got her used to the idea of falling asleep on her own in the crib, so after a while I could just put her down for a nap and she'd go off to sleep.
I think it's really important that they get used to falling asleep by themselves as little babies, so I put both my kids to bed awake. I have never let them cry it out though. They are both terrific sleepers now. Good luck.

I'm reluctant to respond because I don't think this is the advice you want but I can totally relate. My son is now 5 1/2 months and is only now starting to learn Pantley's method. Until now, he couldn't fall asleep other than in my arms and I thought I'd never get a nap and would be forever pacing the halls at night. I refuse to let my baby cry it out - the one time I tried, look on my sweet son's face was so desperate, I never want to be the cause of such sadness again. Maybe wait a while - your baby is very young yet and might need your comfort a little longer. In the grand scheme of things, it's only a short while... Be patient.

Hello;
Your son sounds just like my daughter was (but mine was colicky in the early days). She's 2.5 now. And I had the same philosophies as you - exactly. Still do - expecting baby #2 in May and am praying for an easier sleeper!
After having my daughter, and seeing other friends' babies, and reading every book on the topic - I believe that there is no "solution" or "trick" and you just have to persevere with what you feel comfortable with.
But I do think that babies can be "taught" to sleep on their own. Some just take longer than others (especially when the parent isn't willing to let them cry it out, like us).
Here's what we did... maybe you will find something useful.
Our daugher started settling for her night sleep easier than she did naps. At 8 weeks I could get her to fall asleep in my arms and then I'd transfer her to a very small bassinet (that actually attached to her stroller). She slept pretty well in it... so we then put it in her crib. After a week or so of letting her fall asleep in my arms and then putting her in the bassinet in the crib (usually after lots of crying... she always faught sleep - still does!), then I'd put her down directly in the crib (again, she was already asleep). At 3 months, I would put her down in the crib when she was drowsey (I'd rock her for a while) and then I'd put her down awake. She would fuss and cry... I would let her cry for just a few minutes (until I could hear it escalate) and then I'd go in, calm her and usually end up putting her down after she was asleep. I didn't want her to cry it out entirely, I wanted her to trust that I was there for her - but I wanted to plant the seed that this was the idea... going down awake and her putting herself to sleep. This was the routine at bedtime until she was about 6 months. It would take me anywhere from 20mins to an hour to get her settled and asleep.
During this time, naptime was harder. She fell asleep somewhat easily if I bounced her in her BabyBjorn bouncy seat. So for the first nap of the day, I would bounce her to sleep as I drank a cup of coffee over the morning TV shows. Then she always slept if I took her for walks in the stroller, so for the second nap of the day, I would usually go for a walk. For her afternoon nap, I would usually stay home and try to get her to sleep in the crib. I wanted her to practice daytime sleep in the crib too. That was often quite hard and her naps were not very significant. I was consistent and did the same things I did to get her to go to sleep at night.
I kept a log of her sleep patterns, and I did notice slight improvements - so any new, small success gave me hope and the boost I needed to keep going.
At 6 months I started letting her cry a little more - but once she escalated to the "hard/hysterical" cry, I went to her.
Once she started crawling - at 7 months... the sleep came a little easier b/c she was a little more worn out. And then when she started walking at 11 months, it got even better. She (like yours) entered this world a very active baby (no swaddling for her either!!) and it wasn't until she could get out some of this energy that sleep became less of a battle.
The other thing that I did from the time she was 3 months... was to have a story or 2 before bed (even naps) so that she knew that it was story and then lullaby and then off to bed.
When did the crying stop? I don't really remember... probably around a year...
You'll probably get your little one sleeping in a good routine (relative to your goals and philosophies) by 3-5 months and you'll think you've got it made... but I'll warn you that every few months, something changes. For example, at 6ish months... your baby will probably stop sleeping through ... and this will likely be due to teething - not that he's forgotten how to sleep through. Just keep those kinds of things in mind. But one thing that I was diligent about was keeping her routine the same everyday - I think that's really important for the "sleep challenged". At about 8-9 months I really had her in a regimented daily routine. I never let anything get in the way of nap or bedtime. But now that she's not napping, we run a real free form routine which is great!

My little girl has never napped as much as other children her age... but I attribute that to her level of "activeness". And she now doesn't nap at all (ugh!). But she does sleep in a big girl bed - on her own (most of the time) -- and I know lots of "good napping/sleeping kids" who actually still sleep with their parents. Mind you, our daughter sleeps with us if she's sick or has had a bad dream.
I guess the bottom line is that it's a constant effort with some children, while others are really easy sleepers.
Trust yourself. And don't compare your child with others (it'll only make you crazy... it did me!).
To this day my daughter has never told me that she's sleepy or that she wants to go to bed (like I've seen other kids do...). She will fight to stay awake to the bitter end. That's just who she is! She's energetic, curious, fun-loving and a spitfire - and I wouldn't want her any other way.
I can really empathize with you... good luck and trust your instincts!

All the best!

The "the Baby Whisperer" book was great. It actually addresses a lot more than just sleep, so this me helped me.I never used the sleep method she introduces, we did a very modified ferber at 4.5 months and have been very happy since. A word of advice on all these books, is to remain open and flexible. thses are only books, and you have to modify as it fits you and your baby. For instance the "the Baby Whisperer" book introduces a routine that may not work exactly for you. Based on how my son was, any new routine took at least 3 days to a week before he would take to it, so even if it doesn't work at first try to stick to it for a few days and you'll see the difference. Good luck

hi, do you "swaddle" your son? my daughter in law has twin girls, she wrapped them for months. she was able to put them down and they would fall asleep, i'm sure that this was not only because of the swaddling,but i think that they felt very secure. maybe if you start by swaddling, holding him until he falls asleep and then putting him down, you can proceed to just putting him down. Good luck.

oh sweetie can I relate. my son who is 36 yo old now was born preemie at 3 #s 14 ounces in my 7th month. You know what ??? Don't worry about what all the so called experts have to say.......... you can't love them enough or hold them enough or kiss them enough.........honestly. They grow up all too soon and it's all over. Just enjoy each sweet day with him you can . They turn oh about 8 yos and then they get tough and don't want their mamma to hug them or at least let the public know all about it if they do!!!! And they turn 16 yos so fast grab your car keys get a girl and it's all over! who cares what the experts all think!!!! It's all about YOU and your happiness not somebody elses. Oh and I forgot when I had my daughter who was a normal birth at 9 months pregnant I carried her ALL DAY LONG with me in one of those soft front pack baby carriers . At about 5 months of age she got so sick of ME that she literally pushed me away with her hands in the baby carrier and said " ugh" lols lols lols. I got the clue and let her down.....She learned to crawl away real fast too on her little hands and knees!!! :-))))) I dunno........ that's the way I was back then and the kids always said I was like sticky fly paper!!! I love kids to pieces!!! The trouble with babies and kittens is they grow up to be adults and cats..........too bad. I also cried when my son learned how to ride his first bicycle to phrase a song ; my poor heart is sentimental not made of wood....... I got it bad and that ain't good........for little kids I guess......... Hope this helps :-)))))

My child was also born premature however only 5 1/2 weeks- Shortly after he was home his reflux got really bad and he was only not in pain if he was upright therefore sleeping in our arms most of the time- he was eventually put on medicine for the reflux but became accustomed to being held- however in time by rocking him to sleep or holding and swaying and then putting him down in the crib patting his back he eventually transitioned- still at times some naps he has more difficulty going down then others and needs a little more time being held before going to the crib however, i do work 3 days a week and he goes right down in his pack n play for the sitter who i trust and really respect so there is a little mom/dad manipulation- however i tend to enjoy every moment that i can comfort him and i don't think there is a problem helping a child learn how to sleep and facilitating it when he needs it!
I would try a nightly routine in which a calm setting is established first and then when he is off to sleep land putting him in his crib while still patting his back and every night remain in his room for less and less time till he falls asleep -good luck

WHat worked for me was that when he was drowsie, I put him in the crib with some soothing music without word, pacifer in hand and I would just sit in the rocker next to the crib. Once he got hip to it I gave him one of my t-shirts with my smell on it which was a lavendar sent. It is very calming and all he wanted to do was see me. By doing this you don't have to let him cry. After a week of doing this then you can start leaving the room for minutes at a time as he drifts off and will go to sleep on his own. I am so glad the droctor taught me to do this because as he got older, bed time was a breeze and he slept 12 hours a night and still does at the age of 13:).

We used the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child". It gives you an idea of where the baby is developmentally and why they are sleeping (or not sleeping, as the case may be) the way they are. We decided against co-sleeping, but the book talks about effective co-sleeping as well. For me, it was a life saver because I felt like I understood why my son was doing what he was. It may or may not work for you, but I recommend it to all new moms. Good luck!

Our issue was somewhat different, but our solution might be helpful in your situation. We have a 5 month old son who had an absolutely wicked case of colic for the first 4 months of life--literally crying for 12+ hours a day and not taking any naps at all. Nighttime was also difficult. We couldn't get him to fall asleep anywhere, even in our arms. It was terrible.

Two things changed our lives: super tight swaddling and a swing, which we let him sleep in every night and for naps (on the rare occasion he would take one). Now that he's outgrowing the colic, he is no longer dependent on the swing or the swaddling and is able to fall asleep in his own bed as long as we get him in there at the first sign of tiredness before he gets cranky. For most nights and naps, he now goes down easily.

The swing might be a helpful transitional tool to get your son used to sleeping on his own. Once he's no longer dependent on your arms, you can wean him into his bed. I know there are many who disapprove of the use of the swing, but for us it worked wonders, and we no longer need it. It was a miraculous transitionary step.

You might also want to reconsider the swaddle. We gave it up initially because our son really hated it. But he would flail around in his sleep and would wake up every hour or so by smacking himself in the head with his little arms. We revisited the swaddle--this time making it really tight and confining his arms. He protested loudly, but in the end it actually extended his sleep periods by about 2 hours. And finally, getting him into bed when he's winding down but before he gets too tired and cranky (which is an art!) really makes a difference, as does a routine that lets him know it's bedtime.

Good luck!

When my son was born, I was determined to teach him how to put himself to sleep from day one. He, on the other hand, wanted me to do all the work! So, what I did was to rock him until he was relaxed and pretty much asleep. Then, I would put him in his crib and gently jostle him as I laid him down so he would have some awareness of where he was going. Sometimes, he would just drift right back. Other times he would begin crying. I would stay with him and put my hands on him. Sometimes that stopped the crying and he'd go to sleep. Others times, no. I would have to pick him up and do it again. It was a lot of pick up and put down and I can't tell you there was no crying involved. If he didn't want to take the nap there and wanted to be in my arms, he was going to let me know it! But I felt that my loving presence let him know he wasn't alone and that I would help him to a point. He did learn to put himself to sleep after a month or so of this. Be patient and try to set a pattern for your baby. Choose the same times everyday- I think that helps the baby know what to expect. And, choose the same place and routine. Like, a feeding, read two books and then some rocking. Good luck.
J.

Oh we went through this too but quite a bit later, around 18 months. We did Sears first then Pantley. We did exactly as you describe above. We worked hard on naps first since going back to work was a motivating factor. I would nurse down, wait a bit, transition to bed (warming up the bed, and sometimes with a piece of my clothing nearby) then keeping a close watch on transitions then going back in *just* before a waking cycle and gently smoothing along the back or just hovering a hand above. We also sat or lay nearby getting up sooner and sooner as the weeks progressed. It took about 3 weeks. You are following what makes sense to you, there will be hiccups, as soon as you hit a good stretch your baby or life will disrupt. It's tough to imagine but your baby will sleep! Our son is now 5 and sleeps like a champion! But also knows that if anything bothers him in the night, he can come to us and that makes him feel very secure. Good luck!

We didn't start sleep training at 6 months, as recomended by our dr. So maybe trying again in another month or two might help we he's older and can self sooth. We would put him to bed sleepy but not asleep and having the paci helped. I think we are really lucky b/c it was pretty easy and our son didn't cry much. We also have a fisher price aquarium in the crib which also worked as an encouragement. He loves to watch the fish and listen to the music play-it's very soothing. There is also the supernanny way of staying in the room until they fall asleep and gradually move toward the door until they don't need you there to fall asleep. I'd say that consistancy is the key. Start at nap time & then bed time. I don't think there is a particular right or wrong way to sleep trian I think it all depends on what your comfortable w/ and the personality of the baby. Good Luck hope this helps!

Hi S., I also had a preemie. He is now 4 1/2 years old. He was born 6 weeks early (32 weeks) and stayed in the hospital for about 6 weeks. As for sleeping, please try to relax, I believe your baby will sense the stress that you and Dad are feeling and this will further impede his sleep. For our son, we did similar to what you are doing now for sleep at night. We had a bassinet in our bedroom and would have him in our bed with us until he fell asleep and would then put him in his bassinet once he fell asleep. We did this for about 1-2 months, I believe. During day time for naps we would have him fall asleep in our arms and then put him in the bassinet attached to the playpen. We would also lay him on the couch at times with support around him in case he rolled or anything. As he got older maybe 3 months and older we would put him in his crib while he was sleeping and then started putting him in his crib while awake/sleepy and play his mobile music which would then sooth him to sleep. I did not read any of the child psycologists books that you metnion, frankly I had no time nor interest. Raising a child is a lot about trial and error rather than listening to experts with all different opinions. I did read a lot of the parenting magazines though and read what other parents did to handle different situations. I also took advise from my Mom and other mothers. As your baby grows sleeping will be easier. I am also a full time employee and my son did just fine during those early years, I'm sure your child will do fine as well. Try different things to see what works but give it time and read less books and focus more on your child and try to read his/her vibes and sense what will work for him/her. Most of all relax!

At this age, given that your baby is already used to falling asleep in your arms he is going to complain a lot if you put him down awake. If having the baby fall asleep in your arms works for you, keep doing it, but if it doesn't you will have to let him cry some. One word of advice: if you start letting him cry, you have to steel yourself and let him do it. If you relent you are only teaching him that crying hard is his way of getting things the way he wants them, a technique he will use over and over again when he becomes a toddler.

I let my son sleep in my arms, but put him in a basinett at night when he was newborn. It took me several months to start putting him to bed awake, I usually nursed and rocked him to sleep then laid him down. He just gradually adjusted to the ability to be put down awake, probably around 6 months old. He also never was a long napper and was woken up very easily. I used a fan in his room for background noise to help him sleep. I think white noise helps if he is a light sleeper. My son is 2 and he sleep great and always has been good at night especially. Good luck!

Ha ha.. I'm on my third baby and finally got one I can put down drowsy.. and it doesn't always work with him either. My first was colic. She wouldn't even nap off of my body until she was 5 months old. She would always fall asleep on me (usually during nursing) and I would put her down *after* she was already asleep. My second was an awful sleeper!! He slept for 15 - 20 minutes at a time, ALL THE TIME! Both of them didn't sleep thru the night, or fall asleep by themselves, until they hit their second birthday. I wish you lots of patience and hope you find a solution that works for you & your baby.. it's probably the hardest part of being the parent of a newborn. My mantra has always been: "This too shall pass." because it always does. Tomorrow you'll be sitting there looking at photo albums and your "baby" will be 20 years old and in college. Just enjoy every moment that you can and don't stress too much about any one thing. As long as you're giving the baby love, it really doesn't matter if they need a little more help to fall asleep or if you keep them in your bed until they're two.. you only get to do it once with each baby, and the time really is so short. As my grandmother said, "Just love 'em, love 'em, love 'em, and you can't go wrong."

p.s. In case anyone thinks I "ruined" my first two with letting them fall asleep on me.. they are both excellent sleepers now, at ages 5 and 3, and I have *wonderful* memories I will cherish forever of rocking my babies to sleep and looking down on their sweet angelic faces as they slept. :-)