Advice on Moving Out on My Own

I know that there is a place called Catholic Charities that helps people with emergency situations. You don't have to be Catholic-I'm not. They can provide all kinds of help.
You should def get your life together and leave him unless you want your life to be like this forever. Love is good, not divorcing is good, but not at the expense of your heart and soul. You need to take care of you so that you can be the best mom to your kids. Don't worry about your 'man', b/c from what you have written, he doesn't measure up in my book.

Hugs to you B.. Many years ago my friend was involved with a man like this. She carried everything. I'll tell you what I told her-just because you love someone doesn't mean they are the right person to be in your life. I understand your religious convictions and the importance of making your marriage work but do you want your girls to grow up thinking this is how relationships should be. Would you want them to be treated like this by their husband? Would you want your son to treat his wife this way? Probably not. While I understand your feelings on divorce I honestly think God wants us to raise happy,healthy children that grow up feeling secure, knowing the value of work and commitment and most importantly, taking care of their full responsibilities. I think it's time to sit down with your husband (away from his parents) and have a long discussion about the future of your family. You say you don't even think he will fight for your family if you leave-that's pretty telling about how he seems to feel about his family. Definitely seek counseling together or if he won't go, you go alone. It will help to have a professional perspective.

hun you need to stop having children with this man. He is more of a child than your babies! He needs to stop relying on his folks, and act like a father and a husband. His behaviour does not show love to your or the children. Serious needs counseling.

Wow. Does your insurance cover counseling? Perhaps you should try to get him to go meet with a counselor with you. Perhaps someone in the clergy? It sounds to me like your husband has reverted to his childhood (living with his parents and letting them be responsible for him and make decisions for him). I do not advocate trying to raise your kids without their dad, but Daddy seems to have turned into a kid himself. Have you tried sitting down with him and (not judgmentally or argumentatively) asking what he plans for your family for the long term? Tell him straight out that you are not happy with the current situation and you expect things to be different in _x__ (6 months?) time. That you married a man who loves and provides for his family, and that you want him back. From what you said, he sounds more concerned with his parents and himself than with you and the kids. He needs reminding that when he said "I do" he left his parents to cling to his wife, and right now he is not following through on his vows. He is obligated to support his immediate family (you and your children) before he has any obligation to his parents, but he seems to either not be aware or to have forgotten this. Loving you includes providing for you and protecting you and putting you before his other family. When he does these things, then you will be free to love him the way you WANT to love him.. in the privacy of your own home (or apartment or wherever that is not someone else's home)..
You might even suggest to him that since he is so overwhelmed with responsibilities, and you don't want to add to them, that you will take on the burden of finding a place for your family to live on your own. Let him know that within a month's time (or whatever) that you will have narrowed down a list of places for him to help you choose from. Then do it. Find a place. Let him know, and tell him that you expect that the two of you should sit down together with your inlaws to let them know you plan to be moving out soon... no surprises... no guilt. I wish you well. You may want to call "Dr. Laura" she may have better advice than me...

If you are really serious about staying with your husband, then you and he need to see a marriage councilor or therapist. If you want to move out on your own then you can see what help would be avaiable to you as a single mother through social services and the early learning coalition.

Hi B.,
My name is C. a mother of 5 and Grandma of 3.
It would seem that you could use some one to talk to.You can talk with someone at the Clay County Behavioral Center on Hwy 220.You don't have to have insurance and I believe they could give you some good advice.
In the mean time I would suggest you stop listening to your husbands parents,and don't fuss with your husband, as it doesn't seem to be working. He sounds like he's not very mature.Just do what you feel is right for you and those kids at this time .You are doing more than your share.Try not to worry and go about your business. Raise your kids as you see fit. I know that's a tall order but your kids are depending on you.Try to be brave and ask God for what you need.
In the mean time get an appointment at the center ,they will guid you in the right direction.They have all sorts of ways to help.
Let me know how you are doing and I will say a prayer for you.

You have been flooded with advice so let me just "second" the recomendation for "A Weekend To Remember". www.weekendtoremember.com

I am now divorced, not by my choice. The whole awful experience did strengthen my relationship with Christ, but I do not recomend it. I say you need to FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT for the father of your children. Flood him with the repeated scriptures explaining that a man LEAVES his parents to become one flesh with his wife.

You and your family will be in my prayers.

YOU need to get some counseling with your husband, With 3 kids you need to try and make your marriage work. If he won't go, go alone.
He should be helping more with you working and him only working some.
Right now he has the best of both worlds, Mommy and wife under the same roof.
Leaving may be the soluntion in the long run, but for now the question is "Am I better of with him, or without him"?

For now, staying put will be best for your kids. DO NOT let him become a stay at home Dad.
I am wishing you the best
D.

He's not going to change because he is comfortable living at home with mom and dad. Your in-laws aren't going to sing another tune, because they get to have their baby boy home all the time and I'm sure they also enjoy having their grandchildren right there. The only thing you can control out of this whole situation is yourself (and your children). You need to figure out which is more important to you- your situation as it stands now (which probably feels heavy in your chest), or the freedom you could/would feel if you removed yourself from the situation. Obviously, if your husband would step up to the plate and provide for his family, things would be much easier. I guess you might want to ask yourself- Is this going to happen?

Hi B.,
Frist of all please let me say how couragous youare to look for help and you will be in my prayers as well as your husband and children,Second of all please know that the bible does talk about a man being the head of the house hold but it also taks about that man being after Gods own heart and leading his family in all ways.My husband is a stay at home day I am a ful time collage student and a full time self employed Doula(if you would like one)ha anyway.We went through a rocky start when we first started staying home before I was a Doula a was a detention Officer in a wilderness program for girls and i worked anywhere from 45-60 hours a week and he was at home and not much was getting done.I to wanted to leave and did when he was reintraduced to the familyhe now has a much better understanding of how hard it was for me to do everything we consulted christian councling before he ever came back and we still have our ups and downs but it works for us.I am by no means telling you to move out but I do believe you guys might want to think about counsling to better open your communication waves.P.U.S.H pray until something happens.
Please let me know if I can do anything you can contact me personally
Many Blessing
J.
Mom to Abigail and full time Doula

B.,
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all of this while being pregnant. I can't tell you what to do but I would certainly like to get more info to maybe try to figure out what's going on with your husband. Has he always been like this? (not motivated to work) If his behavior is related to the housing market my guess is that he's in a depression. If this is his normal behavior I would say get out now before it gets worse and before you completely snap on him and his parents. I have very controlling and opinionated in-laws that visit us from Virginia every 6 months and it seems they are always making excuses for husbands not so great behavior (at times) and they are always trying to figure out ways that I can make HIS life easier. I am a stay at home mom, my son just turned 1 and my daughter just turned 3. My husband works in South Florida all week and is home on the weekends and we have no family close by. Basically I am a single parent Monday - Friday.
I will tell you that it's not easy doing it alone. However if you're not able to get your husband to at least share in the financial responsibilities then I would certainly consider a seperation. I wouldn't say divorce quite yet. Sometimes you don't realize what you have until it's gone. Maybe that's just what he needs to open his eyes. How old is he? Just curious. Is your family nearby?
I think the idea is insane for you to take on the financial burden of supporting your family. Especially while you are pregnant. His parents need to stay out of it all together. I would not even consider letting them make any of the decisions for you and your family. They don't seem to have your health and the health of your babies at the top of their list of priorities. You need to take charge of this situation. I hope I haven't said too much. If you would like to continue to talk my e-mail address is ____@____.com
God Bless,
A.

I'm sorry I can't even finish reading this because I'm so upset with the people that you are surrounded by. I'm sorry that none of them are willing to help. You're pouring your heart and soul into your children and you have gotten nothing in return for how many years now?

Is he young enough to enlist into the military? The pay isn't much starting out, but it would whip him into shape, you'd have the best medical coverage there is and you could get on WIC they also give you housing pay and a little extra for him (for food called BAS). I'm sure you qualify for WIC because you count now that you are pregnant and will for at least 6 months after your son is born.

Look I read your last part. You don't believe in divorce...Separate then, give him that time to straighten up. Just because he loses his job doesn't mean he can't get out there a look again...

www.employflorida.com
when I first moved here, I think I applied to 12 places a day!!!

has he filed for unemployment? you've got to do something for yourself here, B..

Take care of yourself first as you are caring not only for you but for your unborn child and your two girls.

Why aren't the inlaws helping with the children if they are so gosh darned concerned with there son?

Wow, B., it seems that you are going through a very challenging time right now. Although you were hinting at divorce, obviously that is not what you want. Your situation has become so adversive though, you're throwing that idea around. I can only imagine how difficult that must be. Have you considered marriage counseling? I think it may definetly help you and your husband find common ground with many of the concerns both of you have. You have several different issues going on all at once as well. I'd recommend addressing one at a time..the easiest first. I'm guessing that your personalities may be a bit different seeing how your husband behavior seems to indicate an avoidance of conflict (all types..from parents, job, to dirty underwear). I'm also guessing by what you wrote that your husband is a loving and caring individual...he simply doesn't know how to best manage the stressors in his life at this time. Based on your note, it seems that your husband may be as miserable as you (although he may be internalizing his emotions). For starters, if you don't already, have some conversations about how what's going on with the family makes you feel. Encourage him to talk about his own frustrations and emotions regarding this matter as well. Be careful to not come across as accusatory or you may shut him down. Ultimately and ideally, you'll need your husband's support to get beyond the frustrations in your life right now. Devise a plan of action that he helps create so that you're both invested in the success of that plan...for example, ask him what he suggest would be a reasonable solution for managing the care of your children...separate task and assign them based on talent or preference. My husband changes all my son's diapers, but I'm the one who wakes up in the middle of the night when he cries. That works for us. There are several task that we've split which makes it much easier on the both of us and our son. Some things that are natural or "common sense" to you may be unknown territory to your husband, so be sure to give him lots of props when he does decide to help. Encourage every act by letting him know how his assistance makes you feel . He loves you and will want to make you happy. Ultimately, to get what you want, you'll have to work out a plan between the two of you to work through these issues. Seems that you have a good idea of what life would be like going it alone. You have tough choices to make...go with your heart. Whatever decision you make, the road won't be easy. Expect some resistance because new ground will need to be broken, but don't give up. Your children and your marriage are worth every frustration. Also, remember to take care of yourself while you're trying to work out and find solutions to your family problems. You'll make better decisions that you won't regret when you have all your ammunition. Solicit support from friends and family if you're able..even if it's only for emotional support. Good luck B..

Well B., I have to say I truly feel for your situation. Sometimes it is so hard to respect and please our husbands as the bible commands when he's not making an effort to "honor" his wife in return. (Not putting down your husband of course!) I've been there myself!

No one can tell you what to do. I can say that if it were myself.. I'd find a way to work at home. When I was married, I worked at home by running a licensed daycare in my home. It was wonderful. Of course you currently don't have your own home so that's a difficult task to consider.

Perhaps you'll have to let him know that you intend to find a way to do what's best for the children and you really want to know where he stands on that matter. Is he going to put the children first? Is he going to consider that they need a mother available to them? I'd really have a good sit down let him know that there are 2 choices in the matter.. to move out as a family or seperately. That you do not want to do the latter and would like to work on these issues instead. And you'd like to spend more time at home being a mother.

There are ways to work at home. I do it and I've got 3 kids and a grandchild living with me. I'm a single mom.

Hi B.
I don't know what to tell you....except I know others in your shoes, and I am praying for you and your children!!!! Let God open and close the doors you should go through. You are not alone and whatever choice is made w/your children in mind first is honorable....you are a great mom!!! I'll be thinking of you...J.

First off i feel where you are coming from. The only way you & Your Husband are going to have to leave his parents house. If that means renting or moving in with friends. By living w/his parents they are always going to be on his side & you will always be the bad GUY. Trust me this i know from experience with my Husband & I. I finally told my Husband that my son & I are his family now & he needs to realize that or he can stay w/ his Mom & we will leave. Needless to say my husband made the decision to choose us. I would sugguest you and your Husband have a heart to heart talk and you tell him how you feel & where you stand & if he loves you and your children he will be by your side. Because after all he did take the same VOWS you did TO HONER & CHERISH! But you really have to get away from his parents if you want your marriage to last.

B.,

Just wondering if your husband is a christian man. Because the bible verse you are referring to is talking about Men of Christ. If he is not following the word of the lord this verse does not pertain to him.
I just read an article in beliefnet.com about a woman who was married to an alcoholic and she kept praying for him. It was New years eve night and she begged him to stay home with her and her son. He had been drinking all afternoon and told her he was going out regardless. That night her son was cut on his arms by a window that was broken out due to the storm. She had no phone and lived out in the boonies. She prayed for the lord to help her, she thought he was going to need stitches and she didn't even have a band aide. There was a knock at the door and when she answered there was a lady with a package and she said honey you need to pray for yourself and your son God will take care of the rest. She was shocked. The lady turned and left. She opened the package and it was band aides and proxide. How could that women could have known. That night she went to bed and had a dream that she was running her own business. And everyone kept telling her pray for yourself and your son, God will take care of your husband. Sometimes in life you just have to move on and let the lord handle the rest. Probably not very helpful but just thought I would share. May God Bless you always!

Wait until after you have the baby then make the decision. My mother left our father when I was 11. I am the oldest, with a younger sister and our brother the baby. It is not the easy way out, for sure. I guess what I would try to think about is what kind of example he is to your kids. If he is not the kind of person you want your kids to mimic, then I would leave... but wait til after the baby is born. My husband, during all three of my pregnancies, was more hormonal than I was. Then we both levelled off within a month or so after the baby was born and now he acts like the husband and father I need him to be. Also, things seemed a little more stressful during the pregnancy of our third and I think it was because of his having to be "the provider" and the father of THREE!! (Which we were not anticipating! we thought we were done at 2 kids - all boys!!) Anyway, I would wait until after the baby is born and see how things go after that. Besides, you won't be able to afford to take 6 weeks off after the baby is born if you are the sole provider of the family. The good news is - if you leave him and end up divorcing he can stay with his parents and have more disposable income and the courts will award you more child support because he has more $$ available. :)
Best of luck!!
Jen

Do you go to church? Speak to your pastor ask some of the women at church to help with watching your children. At a time like this, you need friends and you need prayer. Pray to God to help you with this situation, also. I'll pray for you, too. God Bless!

HI B.,

I am so sorry you are dealing with this also. Your husband has a loyalty streak, which is admirable most of the time, and his parents are taking advantage of it. You working more is not a solution. You leaving is not a solution either. I do think you need to talk more with him honestly without his parents around. Write things down so you can make sure you cover ALL your concerns. Nagging doesn't help! Ever! Men just shut you off and don't hear another word. (If you don't cover the issues the first time, it will come out like nagging.)

You mentioned church and several ladies mentioned Christian counseling. I agree. Also, if you believe the Bible you have to know that everything that happens to us is to drive us to our knees to commune with Christ. He loves the fellowship of His children. Don't get caught up in "fixing" everything yourself. Women by nature WANT to do that. And probably can do it better than most men, lol. Sometimes, a wife, (i.e. me) has to let their husband figure it out on their own and sometimes they have to fall on their face. I hope it doesn't come to that for him but the hardest lessons learned are learned best.

Pray over your family. Pray that your husband sees what torment you are going through. Pray that he sees his parents interference. Pray for his potential! A praying woman availeth much!

I'll be praying too.

God Bless!

M.

Hi, I am sorry that you have to go through this at a time where you should be enjoying the life that is growing inside you. But first and foremost I would like to say that don't be influenced by his parents. Don't let them make you feel guilty for any reason. You are doing all you can and I find it rude and a little offensive (as a mother myself) that they would even suggest that you should work more then you already are. It would be a different story if you and your husband came up with the idea, but for them to push you to be the money maker is unreasonable, especially with a baby on the way. You should be able to stay home and enjoy your children. That is a choice that your husband should provide you. Now, I understand there are certain circumstances where that is just not possible, just like the situation I am in. My boyfriend (of 8 years) doesn't have a steady job so I have to keep working to make sure we can pay our bills. I was in the same delima as you (he wasn't very motivated at making sure he made enough money to support us) and sometimes feel like I still am, however, he has come around and finally realized that he needed to better... thus going to school and getting himself a degree. (Which I am proud of him for doing) I was actually getting ready to leave him after I graduated from college but a month before graduation I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to make it work for the sake of our child so I decided to stay with him. It was tough the first couple of months because I felt like he wasn't making sure he could support us and was relaying on me to bring in the money. And I was a little upset with him because I really wanted to stay home with our child for at least the first 3 years. My point is that I made it very clear to him that I didn't need him to take care of myself and our child. (granted it was a little easier because we aren't married) And if he wanted to be a part of this family or be part of his daughter's life he needed to get his act together. (Sorry... you probably didn't want to hear my story... but wanted to let you know you are not alone...I can totally relate to what you are going through, considering I went through it... and still am) ... Anyhow, I suggest you talk to your husband.... find out how he is feeling, what is going through his mind. If this is not his normal behavior, he may be depressed or even ashamed and doesn't know it. He may be stuck or scared to move on. I feel like there is a deeper underlining emotion going on besides being lazy. I also feel like he is being influenced by your in-laws. His mother may be convincing him that he doesn't need to find another job and that it is your responsibility. I don't know what type of person she is, but from what I gathered, she seems to be happy that she has a little boy back and by sending you off to work she is in a sense "getting ride of you" at least for the majority of the time. If that is the case you need to get her voice out of your husbands head. Not sure what the best way is to do that. But overall, you need to talk to your husband. And not in a judgemental, accusatory, defensive way but in a "i am trying to understand what you are going through" way. Once you know what is going on with him inside you can figure out where to go from there. Try and get him to come up with solutions to fix his problems and be supportive with that. Try not to be pushy (though sometimes you have to be). If he doesn't want to talk to you try and go to marriage counseling. If he absolutely refuses to work with you then it shows you that he is not ready to step up to his responsiblities and it would be time for you to move out. I think that staying with your in-laws is unhealthy for you which makes it unhealthy for your kids. I don't mean divorce, but a separation. You are practically raising your children on your own and you are already working to pay your bills. Show him that you don't need him financially to take care of your kids, but that you would much rather have him around because you love him and you want him to be there for his kids. I think living at his parents is also taking a toll on how he handles his kids. It seems like he is getting away with certain behavior that he normally wouldn't if he wasnt living with his parents. Do you have family or friends you can stay with or a little while so you don't have to pay rent or as much rent? Even if it means going out of state to be with your family for a little while, it may be an eye opener to your husband. I personally dread the idea of having to share holidays with my kids with someone else. Not having them for christmas or summer. Or the statement "I don't like living with you I am going to go live with dad".... these are the reasons that lets me keep holding on and makes me want to work things out with my boyfriend. I am glad you are willing to make things work and give your husband another chance... there are too many people that rush for a divorce.
I hope things work out for you. Remember to follow your heart. I am not very religious, but the times that I have asked God for guidance, he has given it to me. I believe in signs and that things happen for a reason. Don't let anyone make you feel like you are making the wrong decision when deep down in your gut you know that it is the right thing to do. You and only you know what is best for you and your children. (considering the state your husband is in he doesn't seem to have the best interest of your kids in mind) Don't feel guilty for the way you feel and remember, you don't need a man to do what you need to do for your children, it is just nice to have someone to share the joys of life and for your children to have their father in their lives. If you would like to talk more feel free to message me back. Hang in there! And communicate!! My moto is communication is key to any relationship whether, parent-child, friends, lover-lover etc.

B.,
Without downing your mate, I must say, you have definately got your hands full and your work cut out for you. However, you mentioned the one hope that you do have, the bible. With God, ALL things are possible. It sounds like its time for some intervention by an outside party. Do you attend church? Does your husband? It may be time to get a reminder of the values that should be a foundation for him and his family. Is there a pastor that you trust who may be willing to take him under his wing and mentor him? These are very important things to think about. If this is not an option, consider a trusted family member or friend (outside of his parents influence) helping him to gain a new "perspective" on things. Bottom line, change will not happen by your persuasion, but you can initiate it happening with someone he looks up to and respects who may not be so personally involved. And then, LOVE him regardless of his actions. That is the best way to win him over. L-Listen attentively O-Overlook Often V-Value Highly E-Encourage Regularly. Give him unconditional love and he will soften up and desire pleasing you. Most importantly pray with a thankful heart, even when you don't feel so thankful-especially for his parents, because you need them to respect you too.

The happiest time that my daughter and I had was after I left her dad, and before I remarried. It was just her and I. I was working full time and she was in childcare (Baymeadows Baptist). But the huge pro is that there was no argueing about decisions or anyone else wanting my time. We had fun time together we could sing when we wanted, and do what we wanted. It sounds like you're doing everything anyway and like he and his parents are just making it harder for you to do what you have to do. This is stressing you out, and you're wasting your energy figiting with your husband and in-laws, instead of using your energy for your kids. You can get basic food from WIC ###-###-#### (clay County). Churches also offer food banks on Saturdays where you can get bread, etc. www.freecycle.com and craigs list are good sources for clothes and baby items. I am a strong Christian and absolutely believe that you and your husband should try to work things out. But I believe that if you get a place, move out, and maybe have your husband or in-laws keep during the day so you don't have daycare expenses, eventually he will move in with you, away from his parents and step up to his responsibility. If he doesn't, there are plenty of single men out there that would love a family.

I think the best route for you both is to visit Weekend To Remeber (www.weekendtoremember.com) as it is a marriage retreat away from the kids to help you both understand your place in marriage, how families, especially parents, have no say in your marriage or life decisions and you must learn to put each other first and agree on the kids.

It talks about roles in the family and I really think from what you have stated it would be in your marriages best interest and more specifically in your childrens.

I have a hard time staying home all the time even though I know if I went to work I would be miserable. I tried to do my own company from home to make a supplimental income, but after the retreat I realized my place was predominantly to be in my childrens lives on a constant basis and it was his role to be financially and spiritually responsible for us.

Check out their website. I know you said you're pretty much broke, some churches will sponsor couples who are in need. Not based on income or anything.

Also, the biggest contributor to your problems right now is living with your in-laws. They talk about that at the retreat as well.

Best wishes for a happy future.. you've got a long road ahead of you.

J.

Dear B.,

PLEASE read LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by James C. Dobson (you are probably familiar with him and his broadcast "Focus on the Family"). You are stronger than you think you are. NOTHING will change unless you make the changes.

My husband abandoned me and my 14 month old son, just as I was about to have our second son two months later. This was exactly a year ago. Our divorce just finalized last week. I am declaring bankruptcy because he just stopped paying the mortgage and all bills (including credit cards with HIS debt that were only in my name because he wracked up debt without my knowledge). He moved to another state and also had an affair during this time. However, I can say that it has been a gift from God. You see, I believe my husband is bipolar, but refused to get help. My children and I are so much happier now because we are relying on the Lord to be our strength and not another human being.

May the Lord bless and keep you. May He make His face shine upon you. May He be merciful to you and give you PEACE!

Sincerely,
K.

OH MY GOODNESS!!! Where do I begin with my advice.... Well, for starters, Divorce is ALWAYS a last resort (if your a Christian woman.) I don't understand why he or his family can't see that you are pregnant!! What is supposed to happen when you have the baby? Who is going to work then? I know you already know this but, your husband needs to leave his parents! I think if I was in your situation I would want to find a way out as well. However, I would have to tell hubby "I am not leaving you, I am leaving your parents! You may come if you would like." If he was a good nurturer I would suggest him being a SAHD but he obviously is not. Yes you and your husband need to seek counseling. But I am sure he is reluctant to go because he is afraid the counselor will point fingers at him. Most men are afraid of that when they are in the wrong, however, a good counselor/ pastor doesn't always point fingers. They act more like a mediator. What kind of work does your husband do? His father? Who is the bread winner in his parents household? I agree with the Bible! So here is a plan of action for you- 1.Talk to hubby alone 2. talk to his mother alone (does she care about her g-kids? Does she want her son to end up like dad?) 3. Talk to Pastor/counselor (both of you if possible) 4. Research options to get your own place-look into Government assistant with food and daycare exspense. Move in with a friend temporarily just to clear your head. 5. DO NOT give up your children no matter what!! 6. Are the grandparents a reliable sitter? If so tell them to watch the kids if they want you to work more, until June. 7. Put finances income/outcome into writing so maybe family could see the importance of him working. Your money is eaten up! If all else fails, and you have tried all you can do, then you take the kids and have peace. Do not stay together just for them, they will end up miserable, because you are. They are young enough that the seperation wouldn't be as traumatic. I know you said you were afraid of what he would do if you left, but what if it is the wake up call he needs, just remind him that you are not leaving him. You need to protect yourself and your children from unhealthy situations!!! Good Luck and God Bless you always! The Power of a praying wife is strong!!! N.

Dear B.,
I think you hit the nail on the head and figured out the solution all by yourself. Your lat statemnet was "I can't motivate him". That's it in a nutshell. YOU cannot mativate him, so stop trying. Probably, all your doing is pushing him away by what he sees as nagging. Don't get me wrong. From your side of the story, this man sounds like he is in need of some SERIOUS nagging! But like you said, you can't mativate him. He needs soemone else. It sounds like his own parents are obviously not the ones to mativate him,either, so how about a pastor? You are so right about the Bible. The man is to be the head, but it's not your job to make him that way, nor can you do it. It sounds like your problems have progressed beyond what can be helped through communication between two people who love each other, so I would reccomend some christian counseling. I say "christian" counseling because a secular couseler is probably not going to agree with you that your husband is to be the head, and therefore not likely to insturuct either of you in the Bible way of good marriage.

I always think talking about things is the answer, btu if this isn't working in your marriage, seek counseling. For the sake of your marriage adn your children. God can fix this marriage. If you and your husband are both willing and TOTALLY commited to working it out, God can do it. If you don't have a pastor, try to fond one you can trust. I will pray for you. ~C.

I would try to get out some how, he sounds totally unmotivated and useless. What kind of people would want a son that doesn't take responsibilty for their family and work? Enlist his lazy butt in the military and turn him into a man. If he loved his kids he would go to the end of the world to give them the life they deserve, whether your married or not.

you mentioned the bible, do you attend church? maybe you could get some counseling from a pastor. you are right in this but sounds your husband needs someone else to tell him and his parents are not on your side. maybe hearing what he should be doing from a pastor or therapist would make him realize.
your husband is not holding up his end of the marriage, he needs to change. remember if you leave him though all those things you do not want now will happen. you will have to work full time. you will have to spend nights away from your children, and your children will have visits alone with your husband and your in laws who seem like they could turn against you.

You're in a very tight spot right now. I don't know what you can really do about it since you're living with people who don't seem to value you very much. I truly believe that you won't win while you're living under their roof. But your situation doesn't really give you much opportunity to get out. You're about to have 3 children under 3 years of age. That's a lot for anyone to deal with. And it sounds like you're dealing with it alone and trying to manage a childish husband and in-laws.
I agree with the women who wrote for you to seek counseling. If you can't get him to go with you, go alone.
He is avoiding his responsibility to you and the family that he has created. It sounds like he had some idea of what fatherhood was going to be and it turned out different. Some people can't mentally prepare for what it's like having children around. They get sick, they cry, they throw tantrums, it's a lot of work. He could be feeling very insecure about his abilities to handle it and lashing out in anger. I believe that anger is always a mask for the real feeling. Which is usually fear or hurt or embarrassment.
Divorce should always be the last option. Marriage is work and it takes time and it's not always glorious and fun. I don't think you should give up on him, but I do think that you need to take care of yourself first. You know that he's not good with the children right now so you have to be the one to hold it together for them. You can't do that if you let yourself get depressed and torn down by other people that should be supporting you. Have F. in yourself. Things have a way of working themselves out and the path you should take will become much more clear with time.

I went through this, somewhat (not as intense) with my husband. We did marriage couseling and it helped tremendously!!! I suggest it!!!! It sounds like you are expected to do it all. He needs to know that parenting and marriage is a partnership and should be 50 50. I wish someone had a magic wand, but there is not one. There will come a time when you may have to put your foot down and demand the things that you need and want. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with him, but with my husband I was honest as I could be. I told him that either he stepped up and helped out or I was leaving. BECAUSE... If I was going to be a "single mother" with him around, I didnt need him anyway... COUNSELING! THat is all I can say. And you will also more than likely learn that you both have things you need to work on. If you both are truly in it for the long haul you can make it through this tough time! GOod luck!

First of all, PRAY and really seek God for an answer. As you're waiting, think of what values are important to you the most. In all of what you wrote, although I think this guy is not someone I would stay with, YOU LOVE HIM. The most striking things that came out of what you wrote were You don't believe in divorce and you want the kids to grow up with their father. If those are your most important values, then stay with him, tell him what you need for him to do. Get in a calm place away from the inlaws, (have them babysit one night)and tell him your concerns, don't hold anything back. If he loves you, he has to take this seriously and do more to please you and keep you happy. Don't do anything drastic now because your hormones are going crazy with the pregnancy. Really pray about it to get peace and hear from God. He hears your prayers and will help you.

B.,
I am so sorry for your situation. I know you still love your husband deeply but I know that you love your babies much deeper too. I would suggest really talking to him, compassionatly and understanding, about how you can help him look for a better job. Maybe he needs encouragement everyday to get out there and find something. It is hard to start a new career. That being said you should not stay if you are miserable. Maybe a separation is in order for a short time, so he can get himself better. Do you have any family you can live with? Even if it means moving some distance it may be better for you and your babies. You need support now and when your baby comes. Who is there to help you? Truly consider moving in with some family that can help you til you can get back to work after the baby. What is done is done. You can't change the past. But you have all the power to decide your future. For you and your children. Maybe his actions is a way of telling you he is not ready for a family and responsibilities. Maybe he would just rather send you a check evey month. I don't know. But you are the adult and parent and it is your responsibility to care for and protect your babies. I think you would be surprised at what assistance you would qualify for if you separated/divorced. Also at what your family/friends are willing to do for you if you let them know your situation. No one should live the way you and your girls are now. Ask for help. Call your family. Let them know your situation. I hope the best for you

Wow. You are conflicted. I am hearing several different messages in your email. You want to move out, but you don't believe in divorce, and you don't think your husband would fight for the marriage, which, by the way, means that you don't think he values it or you. You want your kids to grow up with a father, but he apparently does no fathering and is lazy to boot.

You need counseling for yourself. After that, I would recommend counseling with your husband, although it sounds like he wouldn't go. But from what I heard in your message you need to value yourself more and figure out what actions your values will honestly lead you to take.

I guess you also have to consider that you don't believe in divorce but is this the marriage you want your daughter to recreate when she grows up, and do you want your sons to act like your husband? I wish you luck, but I really think you need some counseling so you can listen to your OWN thoughts instead of being drowned out by your husband and his parents.

With three kids, a nanny might be cheaper than daycare; you'd have to look into it. How about moving to be with your parents? Is that an option? Would it be any better?

Do you have any family you can rely on or let help during this difficult time? Unfortunately, it sounds like your in-laws are enabling your husband to not work. Many parents feel sorry for their kids or want to help them, but in doing so, they create a bigger problem because they are really enabling bad behavior. The bible does say the man should lead his house in Godly ways, but it does not sound as though your husband is of that belief. The man should love and respect his wife and defend her. He should be a role model to his children and teach them the ways of God. I know it must be hard to be in this situation, but if he is not willing to support his family and if he wouldn't "straighten up" if you moved out, you may have your answer. You sound very bright, loving, and strong, but if he isn't honoring you and showing you love by providing and supporting you and the children, you may be happier with other arrangements. His parents need to set him free, he's too dependent on them and they are encouraging his bad behavior by supporting it. It's hard for him to have his own family when he hasn't left his childhood home and role as the child. Best of luck for you and try to find family or close friends to help you and support you.