Advice on Marriage

M.,
Obviously all the details are not known, but here is my advice to you.
Your pain needs to be validated by your husband and you won't feel better until he "hears your pain and feels it". When he can do that from his heart, then you will begin the healing process and you will feel the desire and have the trust to work on your marriage. Your father hurt you terribly by not showing his love for you and that has transferred to your husband by your husband's own actions. Your husband CAN learn to do those things loving husbands do to make their wives feel special and cared for. What is it that you need M., think it out and then make a list and tell him straight forward that these are the things you need from him. But, you must be willing to offer to him what he needs also. Everything is a two way street. It is not an easy road, but it can be better if both of you want it and seriously work on it.
Another thought, if your father is still alive you might want to write to him and tell him how you felt growing up or even speak personally to him being totally aware that he will probably deny it and not make you feel any better. If that's not an option then stop looking back and just go forward working with your husband.
I wish you much peace in your heart.

With all your work and school you are not allowing any time for yourself or time with your husband. Too much "stuff" to do damages any relationship as you have the children to care for so there has been very little time left for the husband/wife relationship. He may nto be the perfect husband/dad but no one else will either. Please make a list of all this man's good qualities and try to dwell on them while you begin putting the negative ones out of your mind. It sounds like he is trying and it takes 2. One of my biggest regrets in life is not sticking with my first marriage where I had 2 children. I did remarry and had 2 more. Life is never perfect but unless he is physically or emotionally abusive you will most likely be much happier working within the marriage than getting a divorce and trying to go it alone. Being a single mother is a very difficult role to be in.Usually the husband only would have the children every other weekend and it would all be your responsibility the rest of the time. Money does not go as far supporting 2 different households and the child support you would be given would never make up the difference as he must have money to live on too. Divorce is and should be the very last resort. Please try to let go of the anger you are feeling toward your husband and remember why you married him. V.

I have been married for 38 years and what I have learned is that GOD IS FIRST IN MY LIFE, then my husband and then my children. Evidently with going to school and working full time, you dont' have time for much else. Something has to give and it looks like it is your husband. I am not saying that he isn't too blame for anything, but you are spreading yourself very thin and something has to suffer. If your relationship with your husband suffers, then your whole family will suffer and you may end up a single-mom, which I don't think you want to happen.

M.

You cant do this by yourself. You must pray about it and release it to God. He has forgiven us for all of our sins, Surely you can forgive your husband. Satan would have you to stay bitter, hurt and unforgiving but with the help of prayer, smiling and submitting you will soon be over the hurt and disappointment. It sounds like you have a wonderful family and if your husband is NOW trying to make amends. let him... Dont ruin it for the whole family. Forgive in your heart and release it. Tell yourself you can do this.. day by day.......I will be praying for you......

Don't try to fix him. You can only change yourself. You have 2 children, 9 years of marriage, and a husband that is trying. A lot to be grateful for. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Men don't understand that women in this situation are controlled by their emotions. You have to get control of that. You must journal. Write your feelings down immediately when you are upset and read them the next morning (privately of course). You will be amazed! Stay close to those who support your marriage, like friends from church. Pray for help with your feelings, not to change others. Tell him you love him, praise him, give him a kiss, ect... The more you meet his needs the more he will meet yours. You must
go through the motions everyday no matter how much you don't want to. Many of us know how hard it is! In time everything will recover and can be better than before even if you are at the point of feeling hate, disgust, wanting a divorce or whatever. Ask others to pray for you and your marriage. Pray with your husband. Keep your children in mind. Stay away from anyone leading you in the wrong way.

It's great that you are getting help. It sounded in your post like it was a one-time thing... which is better than nothing, but it would be great if you could see someone more regularly to help you through this. That your husband agreed to go with you speaks volumes. Many men are reluctant to do something like that. Give it some time. Keep working on it... let your husband know you are working on yourself too and not laying all of the blame on him. I haven't been where you are myself, but in the past few years I watched my best friend get to the brink of divorce. I didn't see them getting back to each other, and neither did she. But with counseling and hard work, they are better than ever. I think sometimes we have to really face losing something to realize how important and worthwhile it is. I wish you luck.

I am wondering why you waited so long to seek counseling. Was your husband not willing to go, or did you wait until you were completely fed up before you decided to go? Regardless it sounds like you are at the point of no return. If your husband is trying everything he can to fix the problem, I would stay with him and try to work it out for the best of everyone involved. Time can heal wounds, but he has to put forth a great effort to show you he wants to make it work. Let him know what he does or doesn't do to upset you. Guys just don't see it the same way as women. Tell him it will take time for your heart to heal. If he is not willing to fight for your marriage or starts off good and gets back into the same old routine, then there is no way for your marriage to survive. I am sorry that you are going through this. But once you are hurt so much, you just can't take anymore. I am going through this now and he is trying really hard to be good and make me happy. I think he will revert back to the same though. It is his personality to be the way he is, and I find it difficult to deal with his personality sometimes. When it is good, it is wonderful, when it is bad, it is really bad. I stress and can't sleep and feel like fungus to him. I am pregnant too, but I won't let that stop me from seeking out peace and happiness in my life even if that means living apart from him for a while.

I've experienced that repulsive feeling -- that's your ego trying to protect you from being hurt again. Redeveloping trust is a long, tiring, frightening process, but it begins with forgiveness. You said your husband is "trying doubly hard." Start by loving him for wanting to work to keep you. The other difficult part is to see that you caused this as much as he did. Be aware of how your actions affect him and how any pushing on your part could damage his ability or desire to pursue a happy ending. Make yourself compliment him, until it comes naturally. Find something that you still admire about him and let that begin to kindle feelings of warmth to him. Remind yourself of all of the reasons this marriage is worth saving and all of the reasons you chose him, want him, will be with him 20 years from now... Don't expect him to be the only one who changes and be honest with yourself about what part you play here. Yes, he will have to continue to do his share of "the work" but taking ownership of your actions and behaviors can be the most liberating aspect of marriage improvement.

You have a long road ahead, and it will be difficult, but set your sights on God and he'll guide you both to marital bliss.

God Bless You and Your Family!

It's wonderful that you two are getting help! But don't expect to forgive him or not have hurt feelings for quite sometime. You'll probably need to tell him that this will take you a while to get over and he'll need to be patient. How much time, you have no idea. It can be a year. The hurt didn't happen overnight...well, it was built upon...so he can't expect the pain to go away overnight.

You can work through this. I've heard of several books that can help you through this process, but I have no idea the name of them...perhaps do a search or hopefully maybe someone can help suggest a few. Wait a second...someone was asking about marital help type books on another group I'm on and let me check real quick....

Okay, here is a list of some books....I haven't read any personally, but still these were recommended by some people that have read them:

"The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage," by Dr. Laura
"The Peacegiver - How Christ Heals Our Hearts and Homes" by James L. Ferrell
"Bonds That Make Us Free" by C. Terry Warner

It seemed several liked the Peacegiver for both husband and wife to read.

Good luck and remember, just work through your feelings one baby step, one day at a time, no matter how long it takes.

May I suggest a book, one that I have read and am presently reading again. It is titled "Total Forgiveness" and is by R.T. Kendall. It is such a good book and has helped me in so many areaa of my life to get rid of anger and forget things that were constantly nagging at me. I must say I was skeptical when it was recommended to me, but I got it anyway. What did I have to lose? I was amazed at the way he explained things. It was like he knew exactly why I felt the way I did and explained it to me in ways I had never thought of. Give it a try. I hope it will help you sort through your feelings and make a decision as to what you need to do. I just know it will help. I wish everyone could read it. This world would be such a better place with a lot of happier people. My best to you and your family.

Hi M.,
Everyone has marital problems at one time or another. It's really a great thing that you and your husband are willing to seek counseling. When you say "back to normal" is that a state where he doesn't act like he loves you or is that a new state that he is trying to learn how to be in where he DOES act like he loves you? Does he even know what it means to "show love" so that it means something to you? If so, then recognize and appreciate the attempt at repairing the marriage. It is worth it in every way to try and work things out, especially since you have children. It must be very hard for you right now with your schedule. You're actually very fortunate to have a husband who will accomodate a wife who works AND goes to school full-time. I know you may not believe this, but a lot of men would not, because they do not want to deal with the extra demands of child-rearing that will be placed on them. I don't know what the "it" is that has driven you away from him and I am sure you have every reason to feel the way you do, but do try and forgive him by finding the good things about him and by asking God to show you how to forgive him and how to show love to him. Alone we cannot do it, it is through God's grace that we come to forgiveness and wholeness. It is worth it, believe me. I have been a divorced single mom and have remarried, so I speak from experience: KEEP WORKING ON YOUR MARRIAGE. Trust me, divorce with kids is just not worth it unless he is abusing you and them. You have no idea how hard it is on EVERY level when you are divorced and trying to raise children. It affects the children in a very negative way. Even if you remarry and have a decent man, just the fact that you have children from a prior union will affect your new marriage in ways you can't comprehend. So stick with the father of your kids and ask God to help you MOVE ON to a new and better marriage with your current man. Just remember: no one will ever love your children like he does.

Hi M. ~ I am sure you've been inundated with great advice but I do want to recommend a book that has changed my life in all areas. It's called Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping. The case study in the beginning of the book is about his sister and her issues with feeling unloved by her father and subsequently her now husband. Hope this helps.... blessings to you and your family.

I M., I'm sorry that you're going through this and I'm not trying to be fresh or anything but I watched The View recently and they had a couple on that wrote a book called 365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy. The couple talked about how what they talk about brought them closer together and made their marriage better. I'm not talking about you doing what they did but just read what they realized because what they did. It's just a thought. I really think you have too much on your hands... mother, student, career and wife.

My husband and I went through a similar situation when when we first had children. I love them to death but he wasn't ready to stop being one! We're going on our ninth year and we're doing good. It really took a want to make it work. We wanted to be with each other... we talked to each other truthfully.

Good Luck

M., I understand your pain. Your husband has hurt you bad and you have lost trust in him. He will have to work very hard for a long time to gain that back. You need to be very direct with him and let him know what you expect of him. Let him know that you want to try again but you are deeply hurt and he needs to give you time to recover. Recovery is possible! Be gently with yourself. The fact that he is repeating what your dad did means you have to heal that hurt too. Best of luck

hi M., i have been married for 4yrs but have been with my husband for 8yrs.we both come from very different backgrounds as well as different countries,we have come a long way!.being a mother myselfof 3 girls,i think you are doing too much working fulltime and going to school and taking care of the kids is to much!the two of you have no time for each other so maybe itis his way of missing you (men are very simple)i know from experiance.i am not saying give up on anything just give yourself a break and relize you are in this life together and not each others enarmy.

My advice, although it may sound cliche, works. Pray. Get down on your knees if you have to. But sit in prayer. Pray that your heart will be able to forgive. Pray for your spouse. I have found that praying for people who I am angry with helps me to feel better and it will help the other person's heart to soften as well.

I would also see if the counselor had any books that he/she thought were helpful. My husband and I have read marriage books and then were able to discuss the questions posed or something in the book that caught our eyes. The books we have read are:
The 10 commandments of marriage (by Ed Young)
The 7 principles for making marriage work (by John Gottman)
The 5 Love Languages (a really great book)
The first 90 days of marriage (we read it after our first 90 days of marriage and it was still applicable) (by Eric and Leslie Ludy)

Book for men that my husband liked: God's Gift To Women (Eric Ludy)
Book for women that I loved: Authentic Beauty (Leslie Ludy)

I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. The family unit is the most important unit and I pray that you will find strength through God's love and grace to forgive your husband. My advice would be to work at it really hard and pray. Only God can give you the forgiveness that you are looking for. Continue going to church together and make a choice everyday to love your husband regardless of the past. I know that it can be hard, but it has to be a choice that you make everyday. Don't give up!!

Hi M.,
I wanted to suggest a book called The Power of a Praying Wife, by Stormie Omartian. Your husband does love you if he is going to counseling and trying hard to change things. But without God changing him and you, things will go back to the old patterns that have been established. Remember that the enemy wants to destroy families. Our battle is not against flesh and blood. Let your Heavenly Father heal your heart and ask him to show you the perfect love he has for you. No earthly man can have that love for you, not your dad or your husband. We are all broken, all have pain in our lives, and that affects our ability to love others. Unless God changes us, there can't be lasting change. Be encouraged that God can meet ALL of your needs, ask him to help you lay down expectations of your husband, and help you to love him and do your part as a wife regardless of his part. I am praying for you!

Dear Margret,

No marriage is perfect. Marriage is work on both husband and wife. Trusting in God will help you through the rough times. A family that prays together stays together.
(Ephesians 5:25)Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.
(Colassians 3:19)Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
Healing and forgiveness is a process. In time all of this will be in the past.
You have to want to forgive your husband. If you choose to forgive him then let go of the hurt feelings so that you can start to heal. Don't allow the cylce to keep you down. Your kids are looking to you as an example. Show them how a husband and wife are to be and how they can work through anything.
At least your husband is trying to change and that is a good thing, right? Maybe your husband did not grow up with alot of affection. You can help show him how to be with his children.

Remember that your son can become a man like his father and your daughter could marry a man like her father. Children see everything.

I will be praying that you and your husband work through this patch and that your heart will be forgiving and loving.

Read Proverbs 31:10-31 for encouragement.

A.

You can not get through this challenge in your own strength! You must rely on the strength of your Heavenly Father. He knows your hurt and pain and the best answer to your situation. If Our Father can forgive and look past all that was done to Him, Surely He will give you the strength to get through your challenge if you ask, lean, and depend on Him. Rely on God to meet your needs for now. The rest will take time.

Dear M. B.
Divorce was the most difficult thing I had to do in my life! I understand what you are experiencing! In fact getting a divorce was the catalyst that brought me into relationship with Jesus Christ. It was there that I found Peace, Grace, Mercy, a Comforter, a replacement Husband, a friend like no other, and Jehovah Jireh. Seek him, your life will change I promise.

You have a wonderful opportunity here to have the marriage you always wanted and dreamed about. I am so happy for you. It will take work and adjustments on both sides and you are seeing that he is trying, now you need to do your part too, and that is forgive him. Philippians 3:14-15 "Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended; but, this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind...I press toward the mark" You have to forgive and forget. When past situations come to mind, forgive and forget...press forward to a better life. You can do it! For yourself, your marriage and for your two wonderful kids. I will be praying for you.

Since you said you went to a counselor at church, I am going to assume you are a Christian. When I was having marital problems, the best thing I did was to pray for God to change me first. Sure, there were lots of things I wanted Him to change in my husband, but I knew there was lots wrong with me also. I prayed that the Lord would change me into a wife that would support and lift up my husband, and who would love him despite his failings.

I know you said that you are having a hard time forgiving him. Have you actually prayed for God's help? Ask Him to change your heart.

I hope things get better for you soon!

A.