Advice on Immpending Divorce and How to Help 7 Yo Daughter Transition Through It

K.,

My heart goes out to you all, you have a rough road ahead of you. I have heard from other similar posts on this subject that there are several good books at the library, just ask them there. My sister says the same thing about me, my family thinks I have lost my mind lol but I have very alternative views and practices from the rest of society. But we do the best we can to protect our children and ourselves from all the chemicals and contaminants that big business has flooded our world with for nothing more than profit. So keep the faith and know you are doing what you have to do, the rest of society is simply ignorant, some by choice, some just don't know. My husband calls me the food nazi lol. But all of us are healthy and thriving so I must be doing something right.

I think the most important thing you can do is to be there for both your children is to reassure them that both parents still love them, answer her questions as honestly as you can, keep as much negativity away from them as you can, and they will know, without a doubt, that you will always be there for them. Kids are smarter than we sometimes give them credit for, they know when they are being manipulated, as often one or both parents try to do in a divorce situation. My husband did, and still does, try his best to turn my now 16 year old son against me (he never was very smart) and all it has ever done is drive a rift between them. And we divorced 11 years ago. Be prepared for anger from your daughter, it's normal, crying fits from both, also normal, and just love them and be there for them and listen to their concerns. School projects that before may have been effortless for your daughter may become daunting because of heightened emotions. Just be there for her and help her through it. Time does heal all wounds and even though you all may feel right now that you will never be ok again, you will. The toughest time will probably be while you are waiting for the divorce to finalize and the custody papers to be drawn up. After that, things will settle down as you all get into your new routines. Reach out to family and friends for support, you will need as much as you can get. And keep your kids busy with lots of fun activities. It is hard to be down and depressed when you are having fun and watching your children giggle with glee going down a slide. It always makes me smile to see mine smile. All the best to you.

T.

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I'm a 38 year old mom to a wonderful 26 mos. old boy and my parents divorced when I was 9yrs old. I think you are doing well. Reassure her regularly that mommy and daddy will always love her and will always be her mom and dad. Explain that lots of moms and dads don't live together and that it's never her fault. Try to keep something the same daily, like dinner at the table or something. During crisis if there is some consistency it helps little ones cope easier. There are lots of books on the topic and you can get an idea by looking on-line. Remember to remind her to be a kid. When she wants to get into a discussion keep it brief and remind her that her job is to play and have fun. Little guys don't need all the details or to be a part of any of the decisions. I feel like I grew up way to early and had too many adult friends and not enough kid friends or activities. I had a hard time because not only was I bounced back and forth between parents but my adopted father that my mom remarried stole me for five years and he had worn my mom down emotionally to where she didn't think she could get me back or was convinced maybe I was better off w/ a working parent. Not true, you love your kids and that's what matters most. Hang in there. If you think there is any truth to what your sister is saying you can think back to patterns in your life and see if it ties in to any difficulties w/ your parents. Ask yourself what did your ex do to make you want a divorce. All moms at some points feel like their husbands aren't good enough for your kids. You can't help want the best for your kids. My husband and I of 15 yrs. have each felt that way at times but we have communicated what our differences are to work them out or compromise. If he is abusive then absolutely be alone for awhile to rebuild your empowerment. Good luck to you. Take care.

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Dear K.:

I am sad to hear that your kids are having a hard time but happy to hear you are taking care of them and yourself. The most important thing to remember is that children will make divorce their fault, especially if you dont tell them different, over and over again. Do not wait for them to come to you to talk, but open up non-intense dialogue with them. There is a wonderful resource out there Called Sandcastles. Gary Neuman runs this and writes books about children and divorce and what to do. I HIGHLY reccommend this resource.

http://www.mgaryneuman.com/sp.html

Good luck going forward.

D.

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I have a set of books that are wonderful. One of the books in the series is called "Will Dad Ever Move Back Home?" It is published by Raintree Childrens Books: 310 West Wisconsin Avenue, Milwaukee Wisconsin 53203 That series has been a life saver as we go through all sorts of problems from a pet dying to being an overweight child. I don't know if you can still find the book...I've had it for a long time, but I'd be happy to photo copy it and send it to you if you need it.

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There is a book called "Books to Grow With" that has a whole section on divorce. I can give you a few titles out of that book for a 7 year old: "As the Crow Flies" by Elizabeth Winthrop,"At Daddy's On Saturdays" by Linda Gerard, "Charlie Anderson" by Barbara Ambercrombie, "The Days of Summer" by Eve Bunting, "Ginger Brown: Too Many Houses" by Sharon Wyeth, "I don't want to talk about it" by Jeanie Ransom, "It's Not Your Fault Koko Bear" by Vicki Lansky, "Mama and Daddy Bear's Divorce" by Cornelia Spelman, "Loon Summer" by Barbara Stantucci...there's a few for starters. Good luck and blessings to you and your family!

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K.,
I'm 54 years old. A little over thirty years ago I divorced my ex and ended up hooking up with and marrying a man who was also getting a divorce at the time. Both marriages had produced children and I have to say that neither my current husband or my self handled it the best way we could have although we did handle it the best way we knew how. Our kids were very small on both sides and I can't say that it's been easy even though that was the case. For the most part it has turned out very well with our kids although his son and one of my daughters have decided that even as adults they aren't responsible for their lives but that who they are and what they do is a result of their unhappy childhoods which is their choice and we have no control over.

I would think that first of all you might want to take the advice of Dr. Phil and not, not ever, put adult issues or problems on children or bring your kids into adult situations between you and your spouse. I guess that's a way of saying that your kids should only be on a need to know basis and that the only thing that they need to know is that mom and dad will always love them even if mom and dad don't love one another like a husband and wife does. I would also make sure your kids know that you don't hate your husband and he should make sure that they know he doesn't hate you either. If the two of you find a way to respect one another and to both separately and collectively make sure that your kids feel loved by you both and that even if you aren't married you are still their parents and are a parenting team all will go as well as possibly can be expected to go. Never but never, my current husband and I never did, say anything unattractive about your ex in front of your kids. You would think this is common sense but I've seen a lot of divorced people constantly putting their ex down in front of their kids. To me this is absolutely taboo but from your words it seems you would never even consider such a thing. Good on ya.

Oh yeah...about the different drummer deal...get on with your bad self sista! You go girl! Your kids will benefit greatly from it and they will learn to march to their own drum as well and be comfortable with it. Regardless of what anyone says being different is a wonderful quality!

Good Luck,
C.

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Hello K.,
Im a 32 yr old divorced mother of a 10 yr old daughter and a 4 yr old son. My divorce was 2 yrs ago and it has definately been challenging. My best advice to you is to try to keep them out of all of the messy stuff as much as possible but when things get brought up to always be honest, they understand more than you think and their always listening. I enrolled my daughter in a divorce counseling program through her school with classmates who were experiencing the same thing and it worked wonders. She was able to express her feelings with friends and they became little support systems for eachother. I had meetings with her counselor and found out my daughter was actually talking and counseling kids that were not so open to the counselor. I believe they need to express their feelings and not always to us. My daughter also got very involved in school programs such as soccer and drama.
Good luck and try to remember that their is light at the end and if your happy your children will be happy.
God Bless
A.

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I am 38 and my parents divorced when I was 6. I still remember it as if it were yesterday. I think it's good that you've kept most of this to yourself (in that if your daughter and son have not seen you and your husband arguing that is a good thing). My advice is to tell your daughter that her dad will always be her dad no matter what. You can tell her that you loved her dad at one time, but you are not happy together anymore and will each be happier if you don't live together anymore. Remind her over and over that it has NOTHING to do with her, because at some point she will think it's her fault. It's good to hear you are approaching it positively. Keep it that way and try not to let her hear negative things about her dad from you. She's best developing her own thoughts. Good luck to you - single parents deserve gold stars every day.

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When I had to do this I kept is simple as it was appropriate to the child's needs. Sounds like that's what you did. You might want to take her out to "lunch" and do a little bit more discussion. She's at that age that needs more intellectual information.

Blessing

Hi, K.--
I saw your bio information-- you are much like me! And... I am going through the same thing right now.

If you can get to the library and speak with a children's librarian, they usually have a listing of great books on these specific issues and can give age-appropriate ones. My daughter loved "It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear". She is almost four but it may even be appropriate for some older children. The library where we went had a section on divorce for children on its own shelf-- how wonderful, yet how sad that it is so needed.

It is so great that you are working through this and trying to help your daughter with her issues.

best wishes and good luck!

I don't know if you are in Salem or not.... but I had my son go to "Roller-coasters". It's for kids of divorce, in a peer setting they learn how to cope and what it all means and that it's not their fault or the end of the world. I was required by the courts to send him - something to do with Marion County and Divorce - but I'm glad I did. You should be able to contact the YMCA/YWCA and find out if that program still exists.

K.,

I feel for you and your daughter. I'm the product of a divorce, I was 10 when my parents ended it. It was very hard on my mom, because my dad was unfaithful, so that made it more difficult on us kids. The fact that you are "fine" with things emotionally will make the transition for your kids easier. Unfortunately, I ended up putting my own kids through the same thing. I divorced when my kids were 9, 7 & 5. The key is remain emotionally positive, but I think it's okay to show sadness (if you're feeling it), too. Be real. The other advice shared made good points about keeping it simple, not putting the burden of the situation on your daughter. Also, drill it into her head that it is NOT her fault; she did nothing wrong. This is the time to be understanding of her feelings and give her opportunities to express them. You can find some good books on Amazon.com. There's a divorce workbook, if you daughter likes to express herself in writing. It could be something she could do with you or on her own. There is also a book called "Two Homes". I've not read it, but heard from a friend it's a cute story for kids. I hope that all goes well with your upcoming changes. It's great that you are conscious of wanting to do right by your daughter. Just try to relax and that will help her to relax too.

I would highly recommend the book "Dinosaurs divorce." It deals with all kinds of issues that may arise for children experiencing the divorce of their parents. I believe I bought my copy at Children's Bookshop in Kent. My prayers are with you and your little ones as you go through this challenging time in your lives. I can testify that it is possible to have emotionally healthy children in a divorce situation, but it takes a lot of intentionality on your part... but you probably already know that. :) Hopefully the book can get some of those conversations started for you. Blessings to you and yours! :)